He Doesn’t Want A Girlfriend, But He Acts Like Your Boyfriend

Contact info: contact@stephanspeaks.com

He Doesn’t Want A Girlfriend, But He Acts Like Your Boyfriend

Posted by Stephan Labossiere in Advice for Women, Dating | 176 comments |Tags: , , ,

confused boyfriend and girlfriend

Sounds confusing right? Like what the hell is wrong with this guy? Whenever you want to discuss becoming his girlfriend and taking things to the next level, this man insists he is not looking for a relationship. For whatever reason he decides to give you (i.e. too busy, emotionally unavailable, past hurt, etc) he doesn’t budge from his position of not wanting a girlfriend right now. For some of you it’s cool but for many of you a relationship is what you truly desire.

Regardless you continue to deal with him and it’s like you two are basically in a relationship. You hang out, talk, and do things that a girlfriend does which leaves you wondering where his head is really at. This man even gets bothered and shows some jealousy when you talk to other guys. So again what the hell is his problem? Why does he say one thing but he is showing you something else? Why won’t he just officially make you his girlfriend and stop sending you mixed signals?

Here is the reality for most of you that are in or have been in this situation. This man is telling you the truth when he says he does not want a girlfriend and a relationship. He is not prepared to be obligated to you or to commit to you. He wants to be able to deflect your questioning of his actions and his whereabouts. If other women come along that he wants to engage with; well he wants to be free to do as he pleases without any valid issue being raised on your part. What his actions are showing you is that he still wants the benefits and comfort of a relationship. He still wants the sex, companionship, and all the other things that a girlfriend provides which makes him feel good when he needs it. He likes the security of having you around and he will always have a fall back as long as he keeps you close. It really is as simple as that. If that man wanted to be in a relationship with you then he would make it happen. Hell some guys don’t even really want a relationship yet they will still lock the woman down to ensure that they get what they want. So if he isn’t prepared to officially make you his girlfriend then his mindset is clear, and you should take this man at his word on this one.

Let me make something painfully clear to all the women reading this. Most men don’t have to like you to want to have sex with you. Most men can enjoy your company yet never want to be in a serious relationship with you. That same man can become jealous and territorial if you talk to other men, yet at the same time have sex with many other women. I tell you this not to come off as negative but to share with you a harsh reality. It is in your best interest to understand that if a man is serious about you then he will be prepared to take action to back that up. He will be prepared to make you his official girlfriend and treat you as such. He will be receptive to your feelings and just as concerned about your desires as he is about his own. If you continue to give a man girlfriend benefits (some would say wife benefits) without any commitment then many men are likely going to take it. His decision to go along with this should not be confused with some secret desire you hope he has to one day be with you. You can continue to give and give and give yet still find yourself many months later with no relationship and possibly with him moving while making some other women his girlfriend. If he hasn’t made you his girlfriend after a good amount of time what makes you think that continuing to give him benefits is going to make him change his mind any month now. He told you he doesn’t want a relationship so why are you still essentially giving him one?

I know many women may be saying “why can’t men just be more honest about what they want”. Technically the man in a situation like this has been honest. He told you from the get go he didn’t want a relationship. If you choose to entertain this man and it all ends in disappointment he still can say “well I told you I didn’t want a relationship”. The confusion comes from not understanding how many men operate. Just like a lot men can have sex without emotions, many men can engage in relationship behavior without getting caught up emotionally as well. So if you want a relationship, then don’t make the mistake of accepting less than that man officially making you his girlfriend and behaving as he should in a relationship. Stop holding on to false hope and giving benefits to a man that isn’t prepared to make the necessary investment. He is being clear on what he wants, so now you need to be clear on what you are willing to accept.

Get your copy of my bestselling book God Where Is My Boaz: a woman’s guide to understanding what is hindering her from receiving the love and relationship she deserves - on KindlePaperback, or Audio Book format HEREYou can also get the PDF version HERE  

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

Tags: , , ,
  • Joelle Paule

    Great post Stephan. All I can say in this case is that it’s not fair to the woman then, men can have sex with you without liking you, men can enjoy your company witout being in a relationship with a woman. So we should do what? I mean I hear this all the time :that’s just how men are” OK if we are supposed to accept that this is the way men are, how about u guys accept that women want commitment from you guys, women want to be in relationships, they get caught up in feelings with guys! Why can’t you men accept that too? I just think it’s not fair for women cuz we get blamed for almost everything, as far as accepting being with a guy who says he doesn’t want a relationship.
     Another thing, if we are not in a relationship and he is jealous of me talking to other guys? then to hell with him!! We are just going to have to cut it off. If we are not in a relationship then allow me to talk to whoever I want to.
     OK I’m just a little frustrated today, but good article Stephan :)

    • http://twitter.com/legallychisis Dee ∆∑Ө

       What you do is don’t allow it! It’s that simple Men can only do what we allow. If you want a commitment from a man it needs to be CLEAR UP FRONT. We women tend to dill dally with what we want! If you want it and he does not time to find someone who does.

      • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

         You go girl, I am just saying! You are right, stop trying to be like these fools and stay focused on what you really want, which I am sure is NOT being a booty call in most cases.

      • Derrick Jaxn

        If what you want is more important than who you can have it with, then you’re right. But some men are worth the wait. It’s not all about sex, timing is critical. Have a baby prematurely and the chances for complications increase dramatically(analogy).

        -Derrick 

        • Daneille Scott

          I dont think “waiting” is a good idea. When is the right time? There’s not really a right time, if you want to be with someone, you be with them & stick through it together. If it wasn’t right then it wont work. I think the girl should detach herself and go on with her life. & if he decided he finally wants to be serious then thats up to her to disapprove or not

        • Moe

          I agree with waiting but I dont believe in being at a stand still. I was in this same situation for 2 months when finally I realized it was stupid so I left. I started a new job so I didnt really take much time out to text, call, or see the guy or anyone else for that matter. 2months after I left he called me to ask me out on a date. He said he realized he wants commitment and not just live by the fly because in the end it gets lonely. I didnt accept but it just goes to show that some guys will cone around eventually.

    • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

       Just remember two wrongs don’t make a right! Yes Stephan is RIGHT ON with this article. I think most women take this the wrong way, STOP accepting crap from Dogs, and stop being Booty Calls for players that only want Sex. You have all the power when a Man really Loves you, so stop wasting time with these fools. Also don’t make yourself a Whore, just like he is to get even, because in the end the only person that will be hurt is you.

      • zman

        “You have all the power when a man really loves you”
        If it is power you crave.when you make a man fall in love with you,its no wonder that some men fear giving you that power over them and choose to stay at a distance!!!

    • LG Kathy

      Why are some of us women today not willing to look out for ourselves? Why are we afraid to walk away from a make believe relationship that is not serving us? For one thing, us women don’t always stick together. And so many men these days have an overinflated sense of their importance, and women are buying into that. Men and women are equally valuable. It just breaks my heart to see a women not know her worth and ALLOW this kind of inferior treatment. The poster below is correct- men are doing these crappy thing because women are ALLOWING it. We need as a group to learn to say -next- more quickly and move on, and let those kind of men find another fool.

    • candy love

      That’s why I love that I’m a 100% Lesbian!

  • K. Major

    Great article!! I feel that a man should be allowed to do what he does and the woman should figure out if what he does is what she wants.  If its not WALK AWAY!!!

  • Xklusive5

    Great post Stephan! I have been trying to get this point across to women for a long time but for some reason they resist the reality by blinding themselves with the possibility! Thanks for sharing this bc their are so many women going through this exact situation right now! Good Work!

  • D Blue

    Women equate honesty with expressing feelings. Men equate honesty with expressing thoughts. The guy in this article was being honest. He expressed his thoughts. In male/female relationships it may be necessary to tune in to the gender frequency to hear better.

  • krekre

    As a girl I’m totally ok to be such a friends with guys, but guys always forget that then i behave the same… having different guys every day and sex and everything… that makes them nuts, but what do they expect, that I’ll be sitting home waiting when they call for me? no! I accept reality, but guys also need to accept, that we can go around having multiple ‘friends’

    • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

       WOW, be prepared for a sad life. Women can NEVER get even with guys being whores like them! I am sorry to be harsh, but I believe both Guys and Girls that sleep around are whores! If that is what you want, you have that right, but I am saying please don’t reduce yourself down trying to get even or keep up with these FOOLS!

    • hhh

      Exactly!
      I dated a guy who said he wanted a serious relationship but his behaviors didn’t match up and made me wonder, so. uI multi dated and was having my fun too. Then he finally came out of his true self saying he only said that to get sex, but saechoes he can have sex with lots of girls and I should have sex with only him. I said that’s not gonna happen dream on.

  • http://twitter.com/JameBang Jamee

    Always on Point

  • MarcusP.

    Great post I will add alot of these situations don’t mean the two of you sleep together, some guys want the emotional bond but like some women have lost faith in the male/female relationship. I.e not really believing it will work, it may get too serious and constricting very soon but as a young man also like women we just want to have fun as well(not just talking about sex) so to the women in this situation be patient but upfront with him and like Stefan said cant handle it move on, but don’t waste anger over spoiled milk.

    • Nikki

      I’ve been patient for over a year and I’m to the point of being tired. Do I care, yes! Do I wish we could be more and work it out, yes! Am I tired of trying, yes! It’s hard to let go when your heart is involved and hard to start over with someone new.

      • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

         This is exactly why women need to learn the word NO to men when dating. No commitment, No booty! Men have been playing games for years, setting up booty calls, but the women think they are it. If you are begging a Man to be your Man, LEAVE RIGHT NOW!

      • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

        The reality Nikki is that fear is paralyzing you in this situation. I don’t doubt you care for the man but your fear of walking away from this investment, being alone, and starting over is making it hard for you more than anything else. Understand that even if this is the man for you, allowing things to continue as they are isn’t going to do you any favors. Either this guy is not the one for you or he isn’t ready to be that guy. So walk away and focus on being the woman you need to be. You can’t get what you deserve if you are too busy holding on to what you don’t deserve.

        • Nikki

          I’m not scared of being alone and not willing to make a fool of myself just to say I have someone. But this guy wants to talk out problems and make them better when I just want to be left alone. I’m not used to that and stuff like that along with other things keep me interested. Now I have a child and he has no kids and often told me he needed to get himself together and be the man he needs to be before jumping in a serious relationship. But he treats it like a relationship! That’s the confusing part, he gets jealous, he can be around me and come to see me without us having sex. I respect his honesty and realness though I really do. I appreciate the fact that he can be honest with me and say I’m not ready. But it is confusing with your heart is involved and you know what you want but that other person feels they’re not ready.

          • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

            Well I can understand and respect him saying he isn’t ready. The problem is that you feel you are and continuing like this is starting to weigh heavy on you. If he needs time then so be it. You are doing the right thing by respecting that but he needs to do the right thing by respecting you don’t want to deal with this in between stuff. You can’t control what he decides to do so you can only focus on yourself. It is best you walk away and get yourself on the right track. When he is ready for something serious then there is no problem with exploring that.

      • YaYa

        I have to completely agree with you nikki. I am in this situation and in one month it will be a year. I love him to death and have been just as patient as you, but he does not ever seem to budge.

  • http://twitter.com/legallychisis Dee ∆∑Ө

    I’m sort of new to your articles Stephan!  I must say I do enjoy reading them. This article is on point, I’ll have to share it with some of my girlfriends :-)!  Maybe if they read it from a guy they will get it. I was raised in a home full of men so I am almost an expert on how it goes with most men. Nonetheless we women often forget our true power. We don’t have to succumb to our emotions, only to be left hurt and bitter. Men only do what we allow. We out here giving ourselves away, in hopes that a man will commit NO WAY!  We women are emotional creatures and often let our emotions think instead of our brains!! I do believe that we will one day (with reading articles like this) get it and stop allowing foolishness into our lives. Again great article I enjoyed reading it.

    • Lisa

      love your insight Dee

    • LG Kathy

      You are one wise young lady, Dee, and I hope that your level head about men will rub off on any of your female friends that are not being so wise!

  • Saritha Salter

    Wow, really opens your eyes to something… thanks for posting this!!

  • Moses

    Interesting, this is EXACTLY where I am at this point in my life. I make no excuses about it. At this point, I do not want to be accountable to anyone, nor do I have the space, room, desire for any of the sacrifices a relationship needs. I am a very good listener, and I will listen to those I care for, and will dedicate time, and go out of my way to help when asked, and even inquire on the welfare of those I care for. But I don’t feel obligated to do anything for anyone other than be honest with my feelings. That is causing frustration with a particular woman, but I have been completely honest, and this has been a transformation. I also accept the fact that if I want something form her, she is not in the least obligated, and I can be left out in the cold, so to say. This is not a permanent shift, just where I find myself. Now, when this passes, i will not be one to advertise that, but I will be fully ready to commit to the truest definition of the word.

    Now, i believe a man should be the one to seek his wife, and the woman should prepare herself for her husband. When a woman tries to keep the man by believing he’s going to change, and continues to allow his complete freedom, she is setting herself up for PAIN.  Yes, females are more emotionally attached than men, and men are very superficial, physical. Why? It just is, and realize it. You don’t have to ACCEPT the behavior though. Like Stephan points out, a man will act like he’s your man, sharing his burdens, and worries with a woman, and she will see this as a relationship while he’s just unloading on you cause you’re there. We relate stress relief with sex, and women will allow it as well because he needs it. That’s crusty Bullshit. I can guarantee, try NO a couple of times, see if the behavior continues. Lunch if I lose.

    • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

       Wow, man, you are full of yourself. I don’t think you know what women think, just like they don’t really know what you think. The problem is to many games! Women need to learn to say NO over and over again to guys like you.

      Yes I said it, women say NO! Find you a Man that truly loves you and then say YES all the time!

      • http://twitter.com/mosesjustmoses Moses

         Good Morning  Marshall,
        I need you to explain why you say I’m full of myself. I’m sure there are a few that would agree with you. Enlighten us.
        In the meantime let’s talk to your points. You say “I don’t think you know what women think” – Right. I don’t. And I ask if I want to know what’s on a woman’s mind. How do women think in general? I have a very good idea. How? Well, having an incredible mother, which I’ve always had a wonderful relationship with, 5 sisters, over 12 aunts, and so on. As a SOLDIER for 20+ years, I worked with, I led, and I was supervised by many women. I’ve seen them do great feats, mentally and physically. I’ve seen them rise above obstacles you can’t even fathom. As a matter of fact, the very best boss I’ve ever had was a woman, and years later we parted ways and we still communicate. I am a single father of 2, and 1 is a teen daughter. And in a very successful post military career, I work alongside very intelligent and admirable women. I would say I do know something about women. But you already labeled me, so all that’s irrelevant.
        To your statement “just like they don’t really know what you think.” –  I have an answer for you there. If there is a relationship that matters, that woman will know me. I have great platonic relationships because of that. No woman will call me a dog because I lied to them. Never happened. You’re obviously basing your comment on 1-2 sentences, and you left out the crux in Stephans’ article “This man is telling you the truth when he says he does not want a relationship. He is not prepared to be obligated to you or to commit to you.” You say I’m full of myself because I’m being honest and take time to explain myself why I am feeling the way I do?  I can go on and on but, ahh, NVM.
        Next you say “The problem is to many games! Women need to learn to say NO over and over again to guys like you.” Marshall, did you read the portion (apparently not) “Yes, females are more emotionally attached than men, and men are very superficial, physical. Why? It just is, and realize it. You don’t have to ACCEPT the behavior though. Like Stephan points out, a man will act like he’s your man, sharing his burdens, and worries with a woman, and she will see this as a relationship while he’s just unloading on you cause you’re there. We relate stress relief with sex, and women will allow it as well because he needs it. That’s crusty Bullshit. I can guarantee, try NO a couple of times, see if the behavior continues.” –We men have been categorized as superficial, lustful, weak for flesh, and more since Aristotle. My statement “You don’t have to ACCEPT the behavior though”, is paraphrased by you – “Yes I said it, women say NO! Find you a Man that truly loves you and then say YES all the time!” so, you give support to what I say Marshall.

        You also say “Women need to learn to say NO over and over again to guys like you.” When the opposite is fact. How? I’m being 100% truthful and honest. No woman will deny they prefer HONESTY.  Apparently you’re relating HONESTY to COMMITMENT.  I’m a very honest, candid man. I’m also the most caring, gentle, considerate and thoughtful man any woman can desire and have. If a man does not want a commitment, a woman needs to know, so she can have a choice.
        Again, I can go on, but NVM. I love my career, and I’m going to have a great blessed day.

        I will take this opportunity to highlight the owner of the blog, Stephan.  One MAJOR difference about his technique I have to highlight as admirable is he answers to  the question, not the person. If he answers a question, he will not say “You are messing up”; rather he will point to the subject as “The issue is”… He might answer to the person to his individual clients, that I don’t know.  But in the name of some calling themselves as No Nonsense, Direct, or To the Point”, there is offense, when it can be avoided. Stephan is candid, direct, answers questions, counsels his audience but does it with all in mind, and in a way an 18yo or a 60yo man or woman will enjoy reading his articles and learn. Many, especially myself, can learn some tact. I’m no ass kisser by far, but I will PRAISE in PUBLIC.  So Stephan, great blog, and wish you, your family and dear ones a blessed Holiday Season Bruh!
        MOSES

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          Thank you Moses. I really appreciate that.

        • Quietstorm

          Moses,
          I do believe most women would appreciate a man who comes into the dating situation with a clear cut statement of his intentions…such as “I am looking to enjoy my time with you and am still open to dating others. I don’t have intentions of having a relationship with you at this point, but do enjoy your company”. If a gentleman did say that…well, yes…it’s up to a woman to decide where she wants to go next with it.
          I believe this scenario is not one that occurs too frequently. I believe what many women encounter is a man who shows interest through frequency of interaction, some investment in special treatment, compliments, and even letting her into “his world”…signs that most women would take as a serious indication of interest. However, you have men that will invite you in to their world and do the follow up simply to keep you in their rotation…sadly, the women are feeling so special about your kindness, that they mistake it for true interest…when the man has no real interest in anything long term. The man can pride himself on treating “his friend” well and she goes along with it believing that there is a union…some guys will even go as far as calling you his girl, or his lady, and telling you that you have a monogamous relationship and then at a later date you find out that he doesn’t want a commitment…once you’ve already given him your heart, your investment, your body…a woman may not say NO because everything that he is showing her makes her feel safe to say YES. And out of the blue…it’s a NO whether she wants it or not. I think women need to check for and refuse to be in denial of the signs…they are usually there…whether they are signs that he’s ready to scream from the mountain tops that he’s all yours and he wants you as his own…or signs that he’s keeping his options open…we shouldn’t make excuses for his behaviors when they are less than we deserve or want…when they show he’s keeping his options open…we shouldn’t lie to ourselves about who he is…while we actually are simply holding on to who we would like him to be in our lives…it’s sad but the games that are played are often being played by both parties…No is a great answer…but, it’s just not always that easy because people can be master manipulators…we tend to live in some state of denial and we are somewhat control freaks….we want what we want….but when it comes down to it…the truth is what it is…either your in or your out…you have to determine what that means to your life and how you manage it and minimize damage. As far as I am concerned, in this day and age with all the dangers of sexuality and dating…I choose me first…so…if you don’t want to be accountable and in a devoted relationship…I won’t let you touch this, possibly cause damage and then try to toss me aside…I care enough about myself to say NO to that.

    • A woman

      Okay, so you are saying this is how men operate and women should realize and accept male behaviour and simply say “no” if they don’t want to tolerate it.  I get it, and it seems very simple because it is, kind of.  What many women however are going to say or think when they read your response above is that it isn’t so simple.  Because, men don’t always on day 1 of you meeting them tell you, “I don’t want a relationship.”  If they did, there wouldn’t be tons of women out there raising an eyebrow and getting upset when they hear men say “that’s just how we are, deal with it.”  The problem I see, and that I have experienced first hand is that men can literally lead you on and for months have you think you are in a relationship or heading there, and then change the game up on you for no reason and say after several months, “I don’t know if I am ready for a relationship…” after months of saying he wants one with you.  Are women emotional creatures? Yes.  But I am tired of people saying that about women and not about men.  Men are emotional too, just in different ways.  It’s almost as though they are let off the hook when it comes to responsibility when it comes to emotion – and not hurting people.
      I do not care if it’s genetically embedded in a male’s DNA to play the field or relate stress relief with sex, or if they are not as emotionally attached with sexual things…I care that they use this as an excuse to not be a decent human being and just be HONEST and up front.  Because, many men do not tell the woman from day 1 that they want no relationship.  If they did, trust me, most women wouldn’t waste their time.  It’s the issue of men giving mixed signals to emotionally manipulate the woman and keep her around and the woman most of the time wants to trust him – because that’s what human beings do – you either give someone a chance or you distrust everyone.  So you give him a chance and he strings you along and one day decides to divulge how he doesn’t actually really want a relationship…anymore.  And then the woman has had her time wasted, and the guy basically got to that point by being somewhat emotionally manipulative, because inside he knew all along he was stringing a person along, he knew all along the woman wanted a relationship and he didn’t…but used the woman.

      Let’s not mince words when it comes to men either.  As a woman I am sick and tired of this kind of dishonest behaviour being masked and labelled and intellectualized as male behaviour.  Fine, call it what you want to call it.  But being HONEST or respecting another human being’s emotions is something both males and females are capable of doing.  So when a man can’t be that decent person and uses a woman and strings her along, let’s call a spade a spade.  Men are capable of honesty – some of them just don’t like to exercise that muscle.  It’s called being deceitful and dishonest when the woman says she wants a relationship and he pretty much says the same and then turns it around on her months later.  It’s called using someone.  It’s called hurting someone for your own gain, and it is a shitty thing to do.  Saying that’s just how men are is giving them a free access pass to be assholes to everyone. 

      Women are not doorknobs.  If a man says on the first date, “Hey, I want no relationship with you, ever, and I never want to be exclusive with you” there would BE no confusion.  The reason this guy even wrote this article is because there is confusion.  And you know why? It’s because maybe MEN need to understand how WOMEN operate – which is – they are emotional, they want what they want too – so if you are on a date, what the hell are you doing on a date or seeing a woman if you don’t want to date her? Either tell her the truth from day 1 or just don’t date, or play the field and be honest that you are a player and playing the field.

      Such a double standard.  I am just seriously tired of it.  The woman is always to blame.  Even when she chooses to trust a man who says I want a relationship, then no I don’t want a relationship months later, she is the one who is called crazy or clingy for believing he cared for her and wanted a relationship.  Women are not stupid.  If a guy tells them he doesn’t want a relationship, most of them won’t stick around.  The reason most women are left confused is because men mostly are too cowardly to face their own conscience and themselves, and admit to themselves they are doing something wrong by stringing someone along and giving them false hope.

      So I agree with you – yes, women, if you want a relationship and the guy indicates that he doesn’t – obviously, you should take that at face value and leave.  But the issue is that the women are not told on day 1, “Hey, I just wanna use you for sex, and I will proceed by playing with your emotions and manipulating you and then when I am tired of you or someone else comes along I will suddenly out of nowhere tell you I do not want a relationship.”  Also, most guys say they want one or are in one and then make up their minds that they suddenly don’t.  So yeah, it’s kind of insulting to write something where you’re telling women something they already know – to walk away from a guy when he wont commit to you.  What you left out is that maybe the guy should tell the woman from day 1 what he really intends…why is it always left to the woman to be responsible with someone’s feelings?  That’s kind of the issue I have with this man vs. woman thing.  It isn’t a male vs. female issue to be a decent human being and be honest with someone…and that’s all most women are asking for.

      And personally, to me, it seems kind of cold and robot-like for any human being to have sex or be intimate physically and have no emotional feelings towards the person.  I am sure there are a lot of people who agree with me.  It seems like as time goes on we are living more and more in a over-sexed and under-sensitive world.  I believe men (and women, because it goes both ways) who do this to their partners or to a guy or girl are being irresponsible, cruel and mean to someone and essentially are wasting someone else’s time and using another person for their own gain.  That is called being a selfish asshole, not “just being a guy”.  There are decent men and there are those who use excuses for crap behaviour.  Crappy behaviour is crappy behaviour, whether you want to intellectualize it and blame it on male hormones.  If you have a daughter, like you responded below, ask yourself how you’d feel if an amazing woman you know was screwed over like that. 

      So in summary, women are not crazy and are not stupid, and when a guy is CLEAR and says “I do not want a relationship” they get it and leave him alone unless they have issues.  The problem is that men rarely do this, which is why there is confusion. THe reason they rarely do this is because they want to have their cake and eat it too, by using someone until they get tired of it.  If men were this clear, there would be no confusion – women would not be confused.  The confusion is with the mixed messages/aka emotional manipulation aka men using the woman.  ugh…never mind, I could go on explaining this for years and I still don’t think some men would get it.  If you want women to respect men for being men and know what their behaviour is like, men should respect that women are emotional creatures too and maybe they should be taught in society to be honest, don’t lead a woman on, etc.  Instead I find it’s the opposite most of the time, like articles written about women “not getting it” when it comes to men.

      You just need to realize that women are different than men if you wanna talk about behavioural patterns, and that is how men and women get each other.  You say you believe men should be the ones pursuing the woman and the woman should be the one readying herself for marriage…but that is exactly what a woman is doing when she trusts a man she is dating…who says he wants a relationship.  Trust me, no guy says on the first date, “I am not interested in ever being exclusive with you.”  It’s always an emotional manipulation game if it’s a guy that eventually admits he doesn’t want a relationship, and that is where the confusion comes in.  and it isn’t because he’s a man…it’s because he was too much of a coward to say it from day 1 and admit he is not the nicest person, because he wants to seem nice so he can get into your pants and then scram.

      The only point I agree with you on is that women should put up their own respective boundaries.  If you’re a woman who like many women equates sex and physical intimacy with emotion, do not have sex or become physically intimate with a man before he commits to you.  Tell him that from day one and I’m pretty sure by seeing how fast he will run in the other direction will indicate what he saw you as in the first place – just a piece of meat he wanted to use.   If he stays and wants to commit to you, you have the answer then too.

      Maybe the only way to avoid heartache is finding out from day 1, and communicating to the man – I am dating because I am looking for someone to be serious with one day, and then asking the doofis guy “do…you…want…that…too” and then he will say yes or no, and you have your answer.  So yeah, sometimes it’s not women who don’t get it, sometimes it’s men who just think it’s okay to be vague or say nothing, but by being in the role of the boyfriend..in a relationship…just without the label, he is kind of being a jerk  and not being truthful…and that is what hurts women (or vice versa) – is stringing her along and then changing it up on her or not being honest when she asks what you want.  It’s like men do it so they cant be called cheaters, and they also wanna be seen as a nice guy, but they wanna get into your pants, but they are kinda sorta lying about the relationship thing so they can just say whatever they have to say, to get into your pants, and then they wanna say “hey, this isn’t my responsibility” at the end of it.

      • somegirl

        Thank you so much for this. I’m in this exact situation right now and you perfectly articulated my frustrations. 5 months with the guy, I finally ask what’s going on with us and he says he’s not ready to be a boyfriend. So why act like one? Why not say this from the very first day so I wouldn’t take you seriously?? What if I’d never asked and had just kept waiting for him to make it official? (it was bound to happen any day now, so it seemed.) And now that I’ve invested all this emotional energy into this not-quite-relationship, it’s difficult to walk away. I enjoy spending time with him, he makes me happy, we don’t have any other problems etc etc. plus my dumbass gave him my virginity. I don’t even know.

      • hhh

        You are totally right on!
        men. Will ways lie to get sex, so we women should multi date until the one who behaves step up.

      • Opinion m

        In my opinion a REAL MAN know what if want from the beginning instead of doing all this testing water with different women he’s going to search for his one. So really this situation that the topic Is about Is going for the woman who happen to run in to a male who Is still in learning. Who doesn’t know all the games playing now will make them miss out on a REAL WOMEN who Is dependable trust worthy and love only them.

        • LisaB

          Preach ! Ms.Opinion preach !

  • Ms Sadly

    Yeah thats why I do what I do. I keep em as friends and when I decide to be with them I let them know other than that I aint giving em nothing! I believe a man needs to win my time and heart. I dont have to play no games, I just keep all things honest and if they dont like it oh well! I do me cause I got tired of being some one’s secret. I am worthy of love and when I have a man like that then yes I will let my guard down. Until then men keep it moving! I am good. I have been burnt before and I am learning my lesson. I may cry about a past man, but I got not be played again.

    • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

       That is right woman! Just say NO, until you can say YES to the right man!

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Just making sure you truly address the pain and hurt from the past. Your last line makes me feel that maybe there are some unresolved issues and that you are now operating with walls up to protect yourself. Many times the same walls we use as protection are exactly what ill block our blessings from being received.

      • TV

        so very true

  • Kandiegirl1020

    I can truly appreciate this article!!!! I am in this very situation right now..and I hate it!! Its been 3 years, with a benefits only start. We cheated on others with each other. Then about a year and a half ago we got much closer, were together in the same house (but not officially living together) everyday, helped each other, introduced the kids, holidays together, hung with the parents, a complete relationship from the outside, but with no real commitment. My demands grew and then one day he says I don’t want this, it feels to much like a relationship, i should have never started spending so much time with u. (He always said he doesn’t want a relationship)Talk about feelings hurt and confused!! That was 8 months ago and I’ve been trying to move on since but my heart won’t. I blocked his calls, he pops up at the house. Every time i get it together to be done, he kicks it up a notch. Now i have really had enuff sad days crying and confusion and when i finally put my foot down and say no, he wants to talk about how he thinks i am the one for him, he’s jus not ready yet, he doesn’t want to lose me..why can’t i be patient and let things naturally happen..after 3 years, i deserve sometime who knows and is ready..but my heart is holding on to hope that he will chg before i actually walk away for good. Reading this has bought clarity to mind..and possibly what i really am to him, his fallback :( Now i don’t know what to do. Do i just be his friend and cut out sex? Do I ignore him all together and dont even give him the time of day? (which is insanely hard) At this point I am truly in love with this man and can’t imagine him out of my life all together. Not to mention the kids..i feel like a woman lost and i hate this position i have put myself in.

    • Nikki

      I can totally relate to this!! It’s been over a year for me and I get the “I think you’re the one for me but why rush it. Let it happen naturally”. It is very frustrating and hard especially when they treat it like a relationship and seem to genuinely care. I’ve pulled away plenty of times but he always comes back, he’s the one that don’t want it to end. I have 1 kid and he’s great with her. I’ve met some of his family he’s met some of mine. Usually with guys the least little thing if I feel I’m not getting what I deserve I’m gone! But with him it’s different. So I definitely feel where you’re coming from.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I know this has been very difficult for you. Despite his attempts to not go away quietly and even saying he thinks you are the one for him; one things remains clear. He is not prepared to be the man you need him to be and enter in to a serious relationship with you. Even if you want to hold on to hope that this will change that doesn’t mean you continue to deal with him on a girlfriend level. I think you need some distance from this man to allow you to gather yourself and properly evaluate everything. It is hard to do that while in the midst of al the confusion. Cutting out the sex is a definite and I do not believe you can handle friendship with this man right now. You say you are in love but I question if that this is actually a deep unhealthy attachment. You deeply desire for this to work out especially after all the time and energy you invested. That doesn’t mean this is true love and if you honestly feel you are just his fallback well then that makes it even less likely. Don’t dwell on the position you have put yourself in, focus on the direction you will now move in. You know what you need to do deep inside but you struggle with it. Just embrace it and trust that no matter how this will all eventually play out, right now is not the time and walking away is necessary.

    • Kandie

      Thank you Stephan. I truly appreciate it. I read this almost daily to remind myself of what role I don’t want to play. Jus when I catch myself slipping, I refer to this. Ur response helps to give me strength and sustain my mind! Thank you for taking time.

  • Mrcoats948

    Ladies stop crying, and definitely stop being so THIRSTY for love. Enjoy the moment, life is too short to bitch about shit happening.

  • siara

    This is unfortunately very true but necessary for many women to know. Great read!

  • Derrick Jaxn

    Great post Stephan. Very well said. While you made some valid points, I believe you left one on the table. My personal experience, I’m acting as if I’m in a relationship but not wanting the title, exclusivity, etc that comes along with. The reason being is not so I can meddle with other women, but so I can meddle with the success I’m after. Basically there’s more to a healthy relationship than being faithful. There’s the comittment of time and energy that’s required. I’m 23 and just beginning my career path and I’m honestly devoting everything I have to just that. There’s not enough of me to go around. My grind consumes me. So when my “Love interest” brings up relationship, I shy away from the subject. She wants to contribute but I’m not seeing how that can happen. Her clingy nature is much more fitting for a more established me who’ll have more time to be just as clingy back to her.  

    • Mosesjustmoses

       Derrick,

      Very well put. I agree that career goals do take precedence for some and that is 100% just. In addition to your career goals,  your age does play a role when added where you are in your goals.  I say this in contrast to myself, who is at a comfortable place in my career, and not as young. Well, nowhere near as young!
      That is a hard pill to swallow for some who might not have the same aspirations, or driven as yourself, and place a committed relationship first, along with all  the effort a healthy relationship needs. At least you’re communicating, and that should make the pill less bitter.
      #salute

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I completely understand where you are coming from. The thing is though this makes perfect sense for you is it really fair to the woman involved. She can’t always be sure which man just needs some time and which man is simply stringing her along. If you don’t have time for a relationship and it isn’t about sex than by all means establish a friendship. Which by the way sets up a future relationship even better in my opinion. It’s just that behaving like a boyfriend when you are not prepared to give her the commitment can cause more drama and issues than most of us men would like to believe.

  • Derrick Jaxn

    You inspired a counter perspective my brother. Ceck it out when you have time. http://thejaxnfiles.wordpress.com/2012/12/12/why-buy-the-milk-if-you-can-get-the-cow-for-free/

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Cool I will do that now.

  • Brkashley

    OMG… Story of my life… So I stopped this situation after 3 years! Now I have commitment issues and trust issues, how do I recover? How can I go back to being a good women when my mind just tells me to “do the next man like the last few men did you” then I end up losing out because I don’t know what’s real and I’m playing him like he’s trying to play me! Or I assume he is. I am very thankful for have reading this, but because I am a “victim” now I am no good to anyone because I refuse to allow myself to get treated or done this way… :-(

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      You understand that your current approach isn’t best and that is a good thing. The first step is forgiving that man and yourself for holding on to the previous situation longer than either of you should have. Whats done is done but you have to let that negativity go. That situation is not a representation of what you will deal with moving forward. It is for you to learn from and now you have a better understanding of what you truly desire and how playing that game does not fit into your plans. You deserve a great relationship but you have to embrace that fact in order to receive it. We all make mistakes but it’s time for you to move on from this one and move forward in a more positive direction.

  • Melissa Patterson

    It’s almost as though i wrote this article myself. I always knew this but was following my heart instead of following my brain. I have cut him off for the last of many times and will never let him try to manipulate and hurt me again. This has been a difficult choice but it needs to be done.I have missed opportunities to date a wonderful man and I am going to take him up on that offer.
    One thing that really confuses me though was whenever I introduced him as my friend and not my boyfriend be it on the telephone or out in public he would become very upset. So there you go, mixed messages  I suppose. He has been calling ever since I broke it off and I do not answer his calls. Well, well, well look who is calling as I am typing this, wow!  I am willing to accept to respect myself and not fall for this sort of thing again.
    Hopefully the next girl doesn’t get taken like I have. Thank you for the article. :)

  • http://twitter.com/TerrillCharming Skyfall®

    A lot of women cant handle the truth. Thats really the bottom line. 

  • Joewoods73

    When a man says “he doesn’t want a relationship” what he is really saying he doesn’t want wone with you, but you are good enough hang around with until a better option comes along or someone  he really wants to get involved with. You are the “OK” girl, the BWB, the play girlfriend, the crutch to fall back on when the better option doesn’t work out. If you allow then to do this to you then shame on you! Kick this dude to the curb and go find someone who truely wants a relationship and wants to make you happy. Otherwise keep crying the blues because you got used!

  • Rakelchase

    Seriously, he doesn’t want a serious relationship yet keeps showing up and calling. Guess what I changed my phone number, blocked him and his family off my BB, facebook and yahoo chat. Final part I moved. His pathetic user sick self can never ever get access to me again!

  • D. Elaine Fields

    My God, who wouldn’t want all the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibility that goes with it?  Of course that’s what he’ll do if you let him, don’t be silly!  And don’t be mad that you didn’t think of it first.  Ladies, if what you want is a lasting relationship then the best thing will be to find someone who wants the same thing.  Being unequally yoked in a relationship is an emotionally dangerous waste of time.  When I was younger I couldn’t ever get or keep a man behind male “friends” that were always hanging around at the worst times chasing away prospects or trying to cloud my mind with their BS.  Even without sex a lot of guys love to have a girl around that they can call just to hang out, that might fix them a nice meal or likes to watch animae or play x-box just as much as they do.  There’s more to a man’s craving for female compainionship than sex and once they’ve found it they’ll do anything to keep “baby sis” off to the side.  They don’t want other men sniffing around and the last thing they want is for her to become somebody else’s woman.  Break out!  Let him know – you’re not my man.  And then let your actions speak even louder than your words.
    D. Elaine Fields
    http://www.defieldsbooks.wix.com/loveandlies

    • LG Kathy

      Love it, Elaine! Preach! I bookmarked you site, and will check out Love and Lies later!

  • Amy

    yep my ex and i broke up and we still kept in contact and he said he didnt want a relationship. then within two months he is now in a relationship with a woman 15 years older then himself. 

  • Colleenreid89

    So glad I read this. This is exactly the situation im in now. I couldn,t understand why he didn,t want a relationship yet expect me not to date other guys. Everything is a whole lot clearer after reading this. Brilliant post. Maybe he is not worth waiting around for after all. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/Queen.Of.Bathsheba Chelsea Nelson-Peterson

    It’s called a flirtationship.

  • K.Carter

    Oh this one is really what I needed to hear!! It sounds EXACTLY like the man I fell for only to get heartbroken. I was always secretly hoping he would change his mind about not wanting to be in a relationship and finally make me his woman! It never happened though, but now I know how to take a man for his words and more importantly his actions. I went to meet his mom, sister, cousins and all of his ‘boys’…so I thought I was “in there” and we would be together, but that meant nothing and to be honest I am now happier now that I’m freed of his needy ways and him not giving me a thing in return. 

  • Tcherina99

    It’s not just about sex.  I don’t sleep with guys before marriage, yet I’ve had this sort of thing on the emotional level, where they still strung me along, dropped many hints and mixed messages, and still got in the way of me liking someone more serious.  What was confusing was that many people said the guy is just “taking it slowly” and that he was a good guy since he wasn’t pushing me to sleep with him (well some tried and when they didn’t get what they wanted they still hung around and strung me along).  Still, I think the best bet here is not to sleep with them.  I’d have been even more hurt if I had and been strung along at the same time.  But on the other hand, any guy sending mixed messages and doing the same scenario, whether you are sleeping with him or not, is still using it for an ego boost.  In fact, I later read this in a book, that you don’t have to be used physically to be used, it can be emotional, too.  That if you have some qualities about you, such as good looks, talents, popularity etc that makes them feel good about themselves to have you waiting around for them, then they can still use it in the same way. 

    I think one thing the writer doesn’t factor in is that women get more attached, even when they thought they wouldn’t.  Then even when they realize what is going on, it is very hard for them to get out of the situation.  Also, some guys who send mixed messages are also very hard to get away from (manipulative) and can make it very difficult for the girl if she tries to contront them about it or leave (and women are generally more sensitive).  Except when the guy is ready to leave of course.

    Also, I don’t think most girls realize they are going to be strung along until they are deeper into the situation, and then it is harder to get out.  There is a myth that only commitment shy girls go for guys like this.  In fact, many girls want a commitment but are just not able to see until later (either from lack of experience or the guy’s expertise or both) that the guy does not..     

  • Vikkibmspoetry

    Mr Stephan, I have been with a man like this for on and off for about a year, I continued to spend time with him because I am not ready to be in a relationship either. A problem arose with this “relationship” when I found out I was pregnant. Now he not only doesnt want a relationship but doesnt want the child. So to say stay away from a man like this is an understatement, wish I had read your article earlier.

  • Elea

    I have a somewhat similar case. My boyfriend broke up with me months ago, something about ”not feeling what he used to” (we were together for about a year and a half already).. At the moment, we are still, in a way, ”together”, its a thin line between friendship and more. When we are together, he seems like a completely different person who is affectionate and likes me a lot, then later when we talk online (we live about 5km from each other), he always seems to be completely different, not that friendly or affectionate and often says ”yeah maybe we shouldnt do that at all anymore, we arent in a relationship”

    So basically he ‘Likes’ me, but doesnt WANT to Like me, because when he broke up with me, he practically wrote it down in stone.

    Whats your opinion and advice?

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Hey Elea send me an email to advice@stephanspeaks.com so I can address that question for you.

  • http://twitter.com/MsChroniclelist MsChroniclelist

    Excellent post and very true! I had to learn the hard way that men can seemingly do all things that say relationship but not actually want one with you. Hard lesson but I know to not accept this type of treatment ever again.

  • tracy

    Wow as a female I feel sheltered and protected and I am 40yrs old. I do not agree with islam as I am Catholic but one thing is for sure Islamic men do not lead women on in this nonsensical way. All of my boyfriends have been long term relationships (3) and one ex -husband). Ive NEVER had a guy say he was not ready for a relationship after a few months. Except this current one and I was not paying close attention to the pre-signs, as I was really mentally exhausated at the time, I met him.Ladies there are signs, pay attention and listen to your intuition. I was married at 21yrs old to a man who said he loved me in 3 months, engaged in 4 months.

  • :(

    This article hit home big time,

  • GirlFedUp

    Guys like this piss me off. If you want a physical only relationship, go find a girl who’s also looking for only sex. But, no, you want to pursue a woman who’s looking for a relationship because you like the feeling of her wanting to be with you while you reject her, but keep sleeping with her. A girl who’s looking for sex only won’t care what you do and she won’t give you affection, ego boost or a “girlfriend fix” as I call it. Stop playing stupid games and keep it real.

    • kiki

      I love your comment, Ive lived your comment. I hate men

    • Leeloo

      That is perfect. The guy I just “dated,” did that to me. He said that he was looking for a relationship, but that’s not what he actually wanted in the end. He tried to use me and was unsuccessful, so he then blew me off and I was left with feeling like c***. Meanwhile, he went on dating other girls….and obviously not feeling bad about what happened with me. It’s all about the “ego boost,” as you say. I get it now!! What an a******!!

    • Shawnee81

      This statement is definitely on point! I say all the time, if people would stop playing so many damn games and start keeping it real with one another, there would be far less confusion in this thing called dating. I actually had a guy tell me that he wasnt interested in a relationship. I totally respected him for that. If more men and women too.. would just be straight up.. there would definitely be less drama!

  • GirlFedUp

    Another thing, guys like this tend to affect women who are way too nice (I’ve been told I’m too nice by a male friend). All you wanna do is be there for him, support him etc. and he just runs with it. Don’t be afraid to cuss his ass out if necessary. Let him know upfront what you’re looking for, don’t let him push your boundaries. If he can’t get with it, say “fuck you” and keep it movin before you get hurt. Don’t be fooled by any of his good traits. Treat him like he treats you.

  • Alida

    this is close to the situation that I’m in actually.. :( he tells me that “He might be my bf once we hang out and get to know each other more” yet does treat me like his gf. and the first and only time that we got to hang out. He almost stopped texting me completely, and is all short with me. Idk.. And when we had hung out, we did get sexual but nothing to far.. and now he’s just.. idk ignoring me. before e hung out for the first time he almost worshipped the ground that I walk on. and now afterwards.. I’m like nothing to him at all.. idk what happened

  • http://www.facebook.com/susanna.bloderer.5 Susanna Bloderer

    I have never read anything so honest and spot on in a long time. Thank you for this article, it really opened my eyes!

  • http://twitter.com/Roro5614 RoRo

    Now
    after reading past the title, what stuck out the most is “he told you
    from the get”, but some woman keep hearing what we want and that small voice inside
    saying “I will get him to change his mind” SMH, that don’t work, and he
    will string a women along and take the sex until he meets the woman he
    wants to finally be in a relationship. There are two choices, when he
    says no in more ways than the simple word NO, either walk away or either settle for what
    you get because you want to. But don’t think you are the only one in
    his life thinking you can change his mind to be yours when he told you
    no… #Pass the time girl that is all you are Servicing him for.

  • jenjen

    Im in this situation,my “boyfriend” and I are 4 months in long distance relationship,the first two months were so amazing ,he’s been the sweetest guy I’ve been. We always date over Skype,sleep together…then he suddenly change. And he said he don’t want to be in a relationship coz it bugged him. He even change his status relationship on his facebook. I asked him if whats going on,he said he loves me but he don’t want to be in a relationship and he just wanted to have fun with his coworkers ,go party etc.I told him to end the relationship if he wants to go on on his own life.he said he STILL wants me in his life.. I kept saying goodbye to him. He don’t want me out of his life.

  • http://twitter.com/HollyCSees Holly Canuck

    I’ve been in this boat a couple times and to say the least it sucks. Messes with your emotions even if you try not to let it. Despite the men being honest in what they are saying, us women who let it happen aren’t being honest with ourselves. It’s just another game that we all play until we find the person for us.

  • MountMeth

    The complete utter truth. And we tell you these things from the get go, but we also end up finding the one through this process, well I have.

  • Claudia Keisha

    I read this post months ago and still ended up in this situation smh.. At least he ain’t getting benefits at all. So why does he stick around?

  • http://twitter.com/cupidsconcepts Cupidsconcepts™

    It’s about time for women to stand for something because we are falling for anything. I hate to sound cliche but the same way no means no when it come to sex, no means no when it comes to relationships. If you continue to force yourself into being with someone who does not want you in the same way you are essentially abusing yourself and thus traumatizing your psyche. Stop while you are ahead. @cupidsconcepts

  • Kalima

    I’ve been her and it sucks but you are right. woman should take his word and leave. after all we can only be responsible for our own behavior. but I also think men should be clearer. don’t give the relationship behavior if in fact you aren’t interested. that’s what creates the confusion. if action in fact speak louder than words his words often get lost in the tinder actions (this is not necessarily meaning intimate actions). but yes going forward I will listen because behavior is deceptive.

  • Karamia

    This was absolutely on point. Had to get knocked down a couple of times to get it, but this is so true. Thank you for sharing this. I think if women could get a better understanding on how a man’s mind works, we won’t end up investing time and emotions into false relationships.

  • TotallyFrustrated

    This is perfect. I’m in this situation & have been for about 10 months now. Although it’s slightly different because it’s a long distance “relationship” & I really don’t think he’s been with other women. He calls me his girl, but refuses to actually make it official. He insists he loves me & wants to be with me for the long haul, but yet won’t make it official..? Why?! Not to mention he still hasn’t introduced me to his family, even though he’s met mine several times… Am I being really naive here in waiting & sticking around?? My birthday is in a month & the last fight we got into I was going to leave him, but he told me he had planned on getting me a ring for my birthday so of course I got sucked back in thinking it would finally be the point of change… But I’m beginning to think it will never change.. Thoughts??? Anyone??

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Part of the issue might be because it is long distance. Meaning he isn’t willing to make it official because having to be committed to a person at a distance isn’t easy for everybody. If you know you aren’t happy with the situation then do what is best for you. Just take a positive approach to all of this. Maybe friendship (not friends with benefits) is best for now until you two are in the same place and he is prepared to make things official.

      • TotallyFrustrated

        Well, I had him read this article today after I posted my comment. His response was that it does not apply to him, because he’s not with anybody else, & considers himself taken. Reasoning for not being official: he doesn’t believe IM ready..not him… I think it’s an excuse, could he be telling the truth though??

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          Lets say I said he is telling the truth. Do you really think that is going to make you feel better about the situation? You’re hoping for me to confirm what you already know deep inside. Even if he truly doesn’t believe you’re ready that doesn’t mean you have to continue to entertain this gray area you’re in with him (that you are obviously not happy with). The choice is yours but you have to be willing to do what is best for you.

  • Stephanie

    I was friends with a guy then we started dating, after 4 months he told me he did not want a serious relationship but wanted to stay friends. Can you remain friends after dating?

  • tracy

    I had a similar situation. I knew this guy, he actually was after me for 3 years. So I decided to give in thinking it would be safe to do so… Hell no!!!

    Six months into it he tells me he is not ready for a girlfriend and I did not see that one coming. Over the 3 years we had our good days and bad days because we couldn’t get it together.
    I opted out, said well this is pointless and called it off. It does not make sense to me to be exclusive sexually. Its just wasting time if we are not make the entire commitment. I am much more better than that.

    I didn’t even bother to get my things from his house. To do so I would have to make contact and its not even worth the hassle.
    He is probably thinking i will call either for my things, or that this is just a hiccup that we tend to have.
    I’m not ready to play games! (shrug)

  • chillburr

    what if you’re giving up on him and finally he says yes let’s give it a shot.. i think i’m ready now..

    • “M”

      Sadly, that’s kind of typical. A lot of men will say that when they fear losing you and all the benefits you bring to his life (and they don’t have to be sexual). Make sure his words match his actions.

  • Patrice

    That happened to me when i was in high school but it happened a little different he said that he wasn’t ready For a relationship and i
    said ok then 3weeks later he is in a relationship with a other girl then i stop talking to and moved on but he was still acting like he was my man

  • Mz.RealDeal

    BRAVO!!! The truth arrow should hit many dead in the center of their forehead. Love yourself enough to say, “I deserve more” and bounce. You will save yourself so much heartache and pain. People only change when they truly want to.

  • Kris

    Men are confused and pigs they are only think about the wank nothing else.

  • Kristal

    Men are straight out pigs controlling smerts with big egos and small dinks

  • Marie

    What I don’t get is that for me and my guy (now broken up) it wasn’t about sex. We didn’t get to that point. He claims he still likes me and that he thinks “I’m perfect.” but isn’t ready for a relationship. I’m single and trying to move on because he told me that maybe in the future we can make things work when he is more ready. How can I move on when he calls and flirts with me all the time?? What does he want?? Why can’t he make up his mind? Why play games? Does he want me or not?

  • michelle

    I jus wanted to say that the stuf u are sayin is sooo true, n I been goin through the same stuff n I asked him for 40.00$ to get my hair did n he say no he ain’t got it, then earlier I asked for 20.00$ n he said no but every nite he wants me to come over. But I can’t get money for my hair, I been dealing wit him for 2yrs smh

  • Lisa

    This article has helped me make a decision I have struggled making for SO long…I just cant even thank you enough. I feel better already, but I know that Im gonna have to go through the pain of the loss…thats ok though. Again thanks!

  • Anais

    Women should use this scenario to their advantage. If a man acts like your boyfriend but doesn’t want a relationship with you, you have the right to date other men. (not sleeping with them). So date other men along with this noncommittal guy if you don’t want to cut him off completely. Sometimes these men change their minds and do want to commit when you pull back, they sense that they might lose you, but most likely you’ll get to the point where you don’t want them to be your bf anyway because you’ve met other men who are more invested in you. And the possibility of what is discussed in this article happening is why I advocate us women NOT putting our eggs in one basket in a man who hasn’t asked you for a committed relationship. Choose how invested you are in a man based on how much he is invested in you. And always let him initiate the “talk”. Chances are if you have to do it, you’ll just get all those lovely excuses about how he’s too busy with work, still hurt over an ex, etc.

  • Gloria Smith Alston

    Exactly what I experienced l recently; a heartbreaking lesson that I won’t ever repeat!

  • TV

    Going through this right now, been knowing this guy for 5 years…put aside so many for that person only to be told “I don’t want a relationship ” or “I ain’t ready yet”, it’s funny because a few years back he would say the sweetest things “I think I’m falling in love with you” (such nonsense), now we have twins ( a boy and a girl ) and it just made things so much worse ( or so I thought ); we argued like a couple, would cook for one another and all these things that were seen as “relationship material” but I have to thank him now… because after being so trusting of him, thinking I could confide in him as well and telling this person every ounce of personal details about me… being an open book ( because that’s what I thought true friends did) my past was used against me to belittle me, humiliate me and break me down as a woman….I have no desire for any relationship from anyone any longer… I’m content with being single now because all the love I had to give… will no longer be wasted… it is for my children….I wouldn’t say I’m cold hearted…im just T-I-R-E-D in every aspect of the word from years of mixed signals

    We have to finally put our foot down and truly decide when enough is enough, to no longer lead with our hearts but the God given knowledge…. excuse me [ common sense ] we were born with. It’s time to leave and truly be happy with ourselves and with a person who appreciates all that you have to offer… don’t worry about “him/her” they’ll be just fine… they didn’t worry about your feelings then… why worry about theirs now…….

  • deejourneyofafabmom

    Yes! Truth is truth. Wow, I just wrote about a similar subject on my blog. Often times, we hear the truth and ignore it anyway. When we are left hurt and broken, sometimes we have to accept responsibility of that.When people show you who they are, believe them.

    Dee

  • Ljay

    Most women know this already but still choose to play the fool. Nothing good ever comes out of this type of set up. This article said no more than what women already know, but some choose to ignore their reality. An unavailable person only leads to disappointment.

  • Cali Rose

    oooouuuchhhh! :(

  • Evelyn Jones-Guider

    Stephan the same thing happens in marriages where men aren’t sure if they really want to be married but they won’t divorce you either.

  • Tomi

    Oh my…I do this. I’m the “guy” in this situation! So, I’ve been hurting people?! Doesn’t count if it’s a guy, right? They don’t have feelings…right?

  • brighteyes

    Great post! Sometimes as a single mom, I struggle with wanting a full on relationship or wanting a committed friends with benefits. Most men don’t want to sign up to be a stepdad to your child and quite honestly, I lead a very full and happy life without a man.
    When I do feel lonely, it’s when I drive home to see family or spend time with friends and I don’t have someone to share those good times with. Or when I sleep alone at night.
    Regardless, this article has hit home with me as well. I lost my ex to cancer and it’s been a while since I’ve felt ready to open up and give my all. Somewhere in the mix, I met a man that makes me want to share my life again. The problem is, he was in a long marriage and says he’s scarred for life and isn’t looking for a relationship. I wish things were different for him but in the end, he was honest up front. And though I will miss him, I know I need to cut it off for my own benefit. I do wish we were on the same page. At this point in my life, in my mid-30’s, I just want someone to share and enjoy life with. I never had to question where I stood in my previous relationship and I won’t do it now. Remember ladies, plant seeds that will grow love for a lifetime, not a season.

  • L Maria Pa

    Very well written Yes it hurt to read the truth however we need to be reminded of said truth. We make the choice to stay or Love ourselves enough to wait for the one that wants the same things we do..

  • Daniel

    Well I was sent this by a girl i care very much for. While we have had sex less then 8 times in our relationship and it has only been in the last 24 days/10 months. We have very much so had a similar story to this one. As we have been seeing each other for almost a year with out a commited lable. I did try a committed relationship with another girl for a month during this time. That women I committed to did have sex which was lacking in my relationship with the women i am trying to decide to settle down and commit to for last year. During our one month break she dated some others as well. That women I left her for a short time was not my forever women. The women who wanted me to read this article very much could and should be. So that is a difference that eliminates allot of time you may suggest has been wasted or allotted or considered in my case.

    We have just entered a new part of a sexual relationship. I base allot of my commited partner desicions on several points which include career, sexual passion, family values, personality and my physical attraction. Understand sex is a real decider for some women, men or me. To be honest I’ve been trying to decide if we would be a good match being a forever couple. Before I commit. At the age of 33 i need to not waste our time, if im not sure we have a great chance of marrying and living a great life together. This blog has helped me though. To see the thoughts and my own wrongs.

    First I like sex every day or to fool around several times a day. Sex meaning oral or intercourse. We just started having sex recently. It seems like your not able to have sex often do to your current medical situation. Before it was about us not being in a relationship for the absence of sex. But now that we are having it im excited to take that next step even if it is not often. I know you are worried about the medication side effects that may permit body to have routine sex possible. Urinary tract infections. I respect that.

    I’m very calculating with every thing I do. I also enjoy being very adventurous and kinky in bed. We haven’t even went there yet since we just started. So I’m learning about you and us at the moment. I can understand if you would want to take a step back and be friends cut out the sexual relations. That may be good? I saw some truth to this story for men or myself at times. It was a good read.

    I’m dealing with allot of the things in my life. I have always been doing really good things in my careers as well as life. Your the type of girl I should settle down with. Completely stop any thing negetive left in my life and start a family.

    I guess this article did not mention the fact that some guys may be trying to convince them selves that for sure they are making the right decision to commit. Possibly scared that if they do commit and things don’t work out they will hurt the women. To be considered that some men and women have non selfish reasons for not committing other then selfish sexual greed.
    I am big on trust and respect. Far different then many men. And for that reason I am scared to commit. Fear of hurting the women. And I care for her deeply.

    Or possibly I’m selfishly prolonging the scary fact that I can’t be with the right girl. Dealing with that is Scary!! It may take complete rewiring of myself to correct. Possibly instead of actually rewiring my attraction to the wrong women I fear that I may retreat back to the dark side of past. Which at times still accomplished great good for others as a great leader. But is also aggressive, dangerous, intimidating, hyper sexual, mind altering dependent, attracted to the wrong women, and all around half the person I don’t want to be.

    I guess this brings up a whole other concept of the fact that we are animals that were not intended for a single relationship. The human subject some beleive was not built to multiply through monogomony. There are few animals that are designed in that fasion. Like an aggresive animal I may be a male that was intended to care for my animal pack fathering with several women. Intended to protect all with aggresive animal instinct.

    Or maybe I’m a man who has battled the beast inside myself. Still while making many bad choices in my life I have also made great choices that have benefited many. I have never cheated on a women and I have no children. I could be a product of controversy of great nurture over nature. Raised as well by my family as I could be for what I may truly be. I may he on the edge and may need more time or maybe I’ve used all my time.

    This is my first blog ever, I never downloaded a song in my life and I thought this article was great. I thought I would share my ideas and or angle on this issue. Because love is difficult and desicions for it should be taken with care.

    Kristin if you read this it may be confusing. As I’ve dealt with these thoughts my whole life. I’ve never told you I love you. Because I’m scared for these reasons to do so. Even though I love you very much. I never given someone so much time that did not seem to fit the mold I’m drawn to. I dont know if that makes this wait right in any way. I also may be still finding out if i deserve you. Because your pretty perfect.

  • Gemma

    What does it mean when an emotionally unavailable guy cuts you off and comes back after a month or so? And by coming back I mean acting more so like a boyfriend but not communicating it verbally.

Schedule A Session Today!

Schedule A Session Today!

Get life and relationship coaching from relationship expert  and coach Stephan Speaks