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Posted by on Aug 9, 2011 in Advice for Women, Dating | 160 comments Tags: , , , , , ,

“He Won’t Let Me Go”…That Doesn’t Mean He Loves You

let me go man holding on to leg of woman

“He won’t let me go” I have heard this so many times from women who come to me for advice. In the midst of battling the reasons whether they should stay in their relationship or if it is time to walk away, they find comfort in believing that the man must love them because he refuses to bow out peacefully. Granted there are many situations that the man is truly in love with the woman, but do not always be fooled.

A lot of times what is really happening is that you’re just too damn convenient. You are too beneficial to this man for him to dare let you walk away. We all see women everyday who basically are the mothers to the men they are with. They do it all and sexual benefits are included. They take care of everything, carry the financial burden, and allow the man to get away with way too much. He can cheat on her and disrespect her. He can break her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Yet because he insists that he wants to be with you when you’re ready to leave you actually start to buy into the “he won’t let me go, so he must love me” perception. If he really loved you he would not do half the things I just listed. He would not wait until you’re ready to leave to finally step up his game (he will step it up long enough to reel you back in but then it is back to the same old negative behavior). If he actually loved you then his heart would weigh heavy on him when he knowingly and continuously brings you stress, unhappiness, and hurt. A man who loves his woman cannot continuously watch his woman in pain and be OK with it. Some situations are not this extreme but the principle remains the same. He keeps you around and fights for you because you’re his meal ticket. So why would he let that go.

Love has nothing to do with it and a woman needs to be honest with herself. She should not continue to feed herself a lie due to her fear of a failed relationship and being alone. At the end of the day, I nor does anyone else have all the facts to your situation. So our opinions are somewhat limited. As a woman you have to trust your intuition more because rarely does a woman not know the answer deep inside. For those that are spiritual I do know somebody that does have all the facts and that’s GOD. So when you’re in a situation where you really don’t know where you stand with your partner then lean on GOD’s guidance. Because believe me, that man can and will say whatever is necessary to keep his benefits going but GOD will only tell you to do what is beneficial for YOU. Don’t keep telling yourself and others that “he won’t let me go”, because the real issue to consider is why do you continue to allow him to stay. 

Get your copy of my bestselling book God Where Is My Boaz: a woman’s guide to understanding what is hindering her from receiving the love and relationship she deserves - on KindlePaperback, or Audio Book format HEREYou can also get the PDF version HERE  

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

160 Comments

  1. So, So, True… Let them know. Ladies its time to wake up!

    • thank you, hopefully the women are paying attention to this

  2. Im currently in this type of situation and I suffer daily from depression and anxiety. I will be moving back to my home state to get away from him and move onto what GOD has for my life. I should’ve left a long time ago but now is the time.

    Pray for me…..

    • I agree with alot of this but often I would tell people not to rush because people do change and to just leave him would probably hurt him alot to.  Men are not 100% flawless just as us Women are not but if he’s at least a good guy or loves you then it would more than likely be something still there as far as your relationship is concerned that would make it worth keepin alive.  Because when me any my husband split up it was horrible all we could do was think about each other and if it was the right decision and now a year later we’re back together… and happy too… If he was abusive or was on drugs then i would say bail as fast as possible but in certain situations just hitting the eject button isnt always the best scenario.  Anyway best of luck in whatever you do… 

      • I understand where you are coming from Jasmine and I don’t disagree. I just think people have to realize the difference between the right people going through some bad times, and the wrong people who have no business being with each other. Also when marriage comes into play then it does change the dynamic and how I view things should be approached.

        •  I agree with Stephan. I was in a horrible relationship with many of the listed “signs” in the article. I stayed and even married the man for it to only become MUCH worse (abuse-emotional and mental and getting close to physical) only to find out on our 2 yr anniversary that he was having an affair with his high school friend while on vacation to his home town clear across the country and COMPLETELY out of my element. Try having to stay with someone for a week after finding out (because the airport being 2 hours away and no ride and no money to get there) by reading emails and the other girls husband what was really going on and nothing from your own husband. It wasn’t fun. Now I am divorced and REALLY happy.

          My sister is with this guy who claims to love her and has said numerous times he would take care of her. But he hasn’t shown it. After them both being deployed he didn’t do what he said he would (and he could) and actually caused her to go into financial debt losing her car, phone, among other things. She had to have surgery on both her feet and couldn’t walk. She asked him to get her some more water and he threw a fit telling my mom outside “What does she expect me to do?! When she says jump I have to say how high?!” He didn’t and couldn’t take care of her. I’ve told her numerous times and talked to her a bunch but she “Loves” him.

          My foreign exchange sister has been with her boyfriend for 10 years and it never felt right when he proposed. She had a skiing accident last year and had to have a rod put in her leg from her hip to her foot and during that time her boyfriend was there for her the whole step of the way, taking care of her and doing everything he could so she would be comfortable and ok with little pain as possible. He didn’t complain. He’s helped her and shown he has and will take care of her. At the place of her accident she said it felt right, so she proposed to him a month or two ago and he cried.

          I’ve decided that I don’t want a relationship like my sister has, I have done that and all I have gotten out of it was really bad things and even now 2 years later I am still battling emotional scars. I want to have a relationship like my exchange sister’s. I can just see the love he has for her and I have no worry he will take care of her always.

          As far as “people do change” part of Jasmines I have to disagree to a point. People change yes. I heard/read once that the only woman who can change a man is his mother-when he is a kid. You can’t stay in a relationship because you think he/she will change and especially if you THINK you are able to change him. It will never work and all you will cause is more frustration and hurt on yourself. If there is a problem, go to counseling at your church. At least there you both will learn what problems are really going on and have a better chance of fixing them.

          • I know I’m late.  I want to encourage you to concentrate on 2 key areas:
            1) What are you thinking? The crux goes to how you frame the world around you.  Your Frame of Reference is key to walking out f the human blindness that is the human condition.  More than likely, you are caught up or stuck in the past–something you went through that keep rearing its ugly head. 

            So, take a minute to re-calibrate.  Ask yourself this.  Could that relationship have simply been a bad choice for me?  Why did I choose that person?  Do they recognize, appreciate  and reciprocate my own values or are the COMPLETELY incapable?  Based on your answers, act accordingly.

            2) Spiritual connection.  You have to tap into something, stronger, truer, and unmovable to as definitive standard against which to hold your thoughts to weed out lies you might be believing about yourself!

            Good success to you!  I’m excited that you have chosen a more purposeful vision!

      •  I’m glad you guys are together and happier. I thought I was in love, but it’s not enough, I’ve bend over backwards for several years, getting hitched for his benefits was just one of the many…I’m sad that I’m always working to support him and then he says I screwed his life and money is not everything…I think I’m going to leave tomorrow so he may begin his ‘wonderful’ life without me. I need all the help , so I will try to keep myself busy, reading what others are going through helps me a ton and keeps me on the goal of being happy again.

        • If you believe in GOD Sophiekarki then I encourage you to pray and seek his guidance. I can see you are hurting, but no matter which direction you go in with this you will have to start with forgiveness. Forgive yourself for what you feel may have been bad decisions you made. Forgive your partner for how he has mishandled things thus far. None of us are immune to mistakes and hurting others (whether we realize it or not). Everything will work out the way it needs to if you let go of the pain and operate on a positive level.

      • I tried waiting for change but it never happened. We were together for 18 years and married for 16 1/2 of those years. We have now been separated for the last 2 months and of course he wants us to be back together. I can’t do that! It’s hard but I know GOD is going to make me a stronger woman and get me thru this. HIS BLESSINGS ARE ALREADY POURING ON ME! I trust in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I just continue to pray for my husband in hopes that one day he will change for his next relationship and not treat the next woman the same.

    • That is unfortunate that you have had to go through that, but it is good that you now recognize it for what it may be. If GOD has told you to move on, then that is a decision I could never argue : ). all will be well

      • Hmmm, I don’t think God told her to move on, thankfully she’s come to the conclusion on her own. I don’t understand this misplaced idea that God’s making these decisions, why God all in caps as well?
        Good luck anyway Storyofmylife.

        • Craig she made the decision, but for people who believe, they can seek out God’s guidance on what to do. As for the all caps, it is a habit I use to have, can’t honestly remember how it started, but it stemmed from emphasizing his importance.

    • i was in your position for 3 years he would make me feel bad for leaving him so i would stay then he would tell me i wont meet a great guy …Trust me you can do it just pray and ask God for strength

    •  I am adding you to my prayers, you sound exactly like how I hope my own daughter will speak when she wakes up and walks out.  God is with you.  Trust Him for only He is Faithful and True and He PROMISES what He keeps.  He that keeps you will never leave or forsake you.  He is with you always even to the very end -and He is the End of all our struggles for In Him is REAL love and life.

  3. so what does it mean if he tells you he cant see you guys being together since you broke his trust but yet he cant beak the emotional attachment. me and my ex are in a transition stage from lovers to friends but we are still in love. he refuses to try to work the problems out but yet he still provides and is there for me whenever i need him. i’m tired of the emotional roller coaster but i am still willing to work it out because i do still love him. i know actions speak louder than words but he is so hard to read at times.  

    • honestly, from what you have just said it sounds like he is just scared. His fear is holding him back because he doesn’t want to be hurt again, but his love doesn’t allow him to let go. If you are tired of the roller coaster, then get off the ride. He needs to work through some things, and you may need to as well. Choosing to be friends is a middle ground you both are settling for but it doesn’t address the real issue.

  4. This is so true myself was was in that situation. You see love not suppose to hurt I gave more than I was suppose to even lost myself to please him. See my flesh want me their but my spirit didn’t. So I chose God and I haven’t looked back.. taking it day by day bcuz all I knew was him.. let go n lt god

    • I’m happy you were able to move on from that. Just remember that the problem wasn’t that you gave too much love, it was simply that you were trying to love someone that wasn’t the one for you.

  5. I was with you until you said God…

    • lol well I understand we don’t all share the same beliefs so I can respect that. 

  6. Totally agree with everything here I was in controlling and abusive relationship everytime I tried to leave my ex would say he loved me but would never change also think I was a meal ticket hard to accept but true year on can see this, all girls out there if your man belittles you criticizes you shows cruelty this is not love but rather control

    • Thank you for sharing that. I am sure there is a woman who may have needed to see your story to realize she needs to find the strength to move on. Like you said, no man that loves you would treat his woman that way. It definitely is an issue of control and women need to recognize when this is indeed what they are dealing with. 

  7. This was a great article and very much illuminating. Thank you for sharing :-)

    • Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  8. Hi, Im in love with my bestfriend atm and its absolutely killing me, she knows and Ive told her to please respect that for me because ive been there through so much with her, i just said I needed time to get over her without jealousy. In the past 10 months (when i told her), she has had one boyfriend, danced with a guy very rudely..infront of me…and the last time we went out together just when we were getting to a stage that was good, went all out and kissed and danced with this guy all night. I came to a decision not long ago, that it was just best to cut her out for good because I was getting suicidal…

    but she was crying on the phone saying that i can trust her again and that she made a mistake…am i only making this harder for myself knowing she could  hurt me again???

    • In your case, i probably wouldn’t trust her. 10 months is a long time to play with someones emotions and if she cared she would have straightened up a long time ago. She’ll miss you when you’re gone because she’s going to realize she had something good; but this will be a learning experience for both of you!

    • To give you the best answer I could I would want to hear a little more from you. Such as why aren’t you two currently in a relationship? Based on what you shared i do think you need to step away for a little bit. I can’t say cut her off for good, but you just need some time to get yourself on the right track. I would never suggest people acting out of the fear of being hurt, If you are one that believes in GOD, then I do encourage praying about this situation. Either way I would like for you to contact me via email so we can discuss this further contact@StephanL.com

      •   hi stephan i have sent you an email :) please check and reply when you can xxxx

  9. I totally agree with this and i also agree that they’re some women  who are the same as these men you described above!!!!

    • Absolutely and I plan to address the women that do the same in a future post.

  10. AMEN!!!!! Brother Labossiere! I hope yall women listening cause he’s tellin you something good. Alot of women do appreciate the advice tht you give cause there are many women that are waiting for the love of their life to “sweep them off their feet” whether they admit it or not EVERYBODYwants that fairytale so tell ‘em like it is lol Don’t hold no hands and don’t sugar coat any words :-)~SMILE~   

    • Thanks you Pooblyshus : )

      •  hi stephan i have sent you an email from a different email account of mine :) please check and reply when you can xxxx

        • I will definitely do that

  11. So agree & I learned that the hard way. If he really loved me he wouldn’t have done the things he did. I was fooled at a time, but so glad I wisen up and left because I knew my value within self!

  12. will you have a book written for ladies on what to expect and how to deal with getting your feet wet after being taking for so long cuz da dating and singe life is rough

  13. will you have a book written for ladies on what to expect and how to deal with getting your feet wet after being taking for so long cuz da dating and single life is rough ?

    • I do have another book that I am currently working on. It will touch on that subject and many things that I feel single women need to know

  14. So I need help. I broke with my ex boyfriend because he said he couldn’t be with me for no explanation. I find out a month later after we agreed to be friends that he had cheated on me during a rough patch in our relationship thinking I had done something with a guy even after we had talked about how nothing happened in a situation I had no control over. I confronted him and he admitted to it and that he was angry at me, drunk, ptessured into it, and that it was a comoetition with hinself knowing he was on the wrong path and he said he felt guilty which is why he couldn’t be with me because I had done nothing wrong and he needed to grow up, which is why he made me break up with him. He didn’t expect me to forgive him. We weren’t friends for 2months no communication at all blocked from (fb, twitter, cell, etc). During this time he was on depression pills for hurting me and having arguments with his parents about what he did having to stay at other people’s houses because of it. I got sick and passed out in a parking lot last week when he was there drives me home, he carries me in my house, cooks me food, gets me something to drink. Stays with me to make sure I’m okay and leaves. The next day he calls to make sure I’m okay. I say thanks and we just got to talking and he tells me how hurt he’s been for hurting me and not being mature. Saying that each day he’s trying to be better. He says he misses me and wants to try to make things work slowly, no strings attached just seeing where things go. I’m torn between him actually caring about me and not caring about me. I pray to god everyday. What do you think?

    • I apologize for the delayed response. I think it would be fair to say that he does care about you. The real question is should you two be working towards making things work or going your separate ways. That is the question you should ask GOD. If the answer is making things work, then you both have to take an open and honest approach from here on. You have to make sure you forgive him for his mistake, and he needs to forgive himself as well. Don’t play boyfriend/girlfriend while taking it slow with “no strings attached”. So no sexual relations and all that. Again though, see what answer you get from praying, but no need to ask if he cares about you. Personally I care about everybody, but that doesn’t mean I am supposed to be in a relationship with them.

  15. Great blog love, ladies know your value.

    • thank you very much : )

  16. I have been unofficially dating (without the title of his girlfriend) a guy for a year now. We started out as great friends and later developed feelings for one another. Apparently my feelings were deeper than his. Because I loved him, I was being intimate with him, always allowing him to consume my time, and being there for him when he wanted & needed me to be there. I always brought up the relationship topic but he said he wasn’t ready; yet I still continued to sleep with him without a commitment. Now in present day I have cut off the sex for 4 months now but it hasnt phased him. Every time I say I’m done he comes at me harder. I thought that if he didn’t want me then he would just leave me alone. Now I’m stuck because I love someone who isn’t deserving of my time.

    • He “wants” you, but he is not prepared to “be with you”. Don’t get the two confused. I’m glad you took the step to eliminate the sex, but now is the time to take that next step and focus on becoming the woman you need to be. Allowing yourself to be consumed with this situation and this man’s inconsistent or confusing behavior is simply keeping you from moving forward. He may very well be the man for you, but he obviously isn’t that man right now. So you need to make sure you are progressing and fulfilling your call in life. He needs to figure out what he needs to do, but that is on his time, not yours. Let GOD guide you from here and trust you will put yourself in a much better place.

  17. I’m
    in a tricky situation also, my partner and I have been together near on 7 years
    and in that time we have started to grow apart.

     

    In
    that time I bought my mothers house in which we live in.  I pay the mortgage as it’s my family home,
    but I have always insisted to him that the investment is both of ours while we
    are together.  I have advised that I want
    marriage and children, all of which has been met with contempt in the past,
    until I put my foot down and said that these are things I want and deserve and
    if he can not commit to these things  it
    is a deal breaker.  I really want to be a
    mother; however I want to be married.  It
    is important to me to stand in the eyes of God and make my vows.   I know this might see controversial since I
    live in sin, I know it is an old fashioned view, but I at least wish to get it
    half right.

     

    Since
    I have told him it’s a deal breaker he has said he will give me these things,
    but now I feel I have backed him in a corner and that the only reason he is
    with me is for selfish reasons.  I do
    everything for him as he seems not to be able to handle any responsibility.

     

    I’ve
    done everything for him in the time we have been together, financial and
    emotional.  I’ve paid for everything and
    looked after him like his Nanna has, and believe me I know I have made a rod
    for my own back. Every thing was okay because there was more laughter than
    tears until about six months ago. He started having trouble at work and lost
    his job.  He went self employed being an
    electrician for a man who was not paying him on time, sometimes he would go
    eight to ten weeks without getting a penny. 
    This is when he started getting abusive, verbally not physically but it
    hurts quite bad.  He started snapping at
    the littlest thing, blowing up and calling me names.  I know I do not deserve it ; I’ve got enough sense
    to know that, even if not enough sense to make a clean break .

     

    His
    pride was hurt because he no longer had disposable income.  I tried to bring him out of his depression by
    pointing out that I support us fine, and that this is just a temporary setback.  To help him out I gave him my car to help him
    travel to jobs until he could get a small van, paid for all his food and gave
    money to his nanna (what he normally gave to help her our) but nothing would console
    him.  He kept focusing on the negative
    financial implications when he should have been focusing on the fact that he
    has loving support from me. Not to mention the fact he has no financial
    commitments such as a mortgage or debts like I do.  What annoyed me more than anything is that he
    was missing the point of life.  Money is
    not everything, its necessary but not the be all and end all of life.

     

    During
    these six months, I’ve started to step back from the relationship and I’m
    finally seeing what’s wrong with the whole picture.  He has never committed to me financially, he
    has lived at mine, eaten my food etc all of which I gave freely because I love
    him, but has it been appreciated?  When
    he worked he would pay for going out for meals and drinks, anything sociable,
    but he always controlled the money.  When
    ever I asked for money to get myself through the month I would have to pay
    every penny back. 

     

    Here
    is my dilemma, I’ve tried to leave, asked for space and then been
    suffocated.  He is saying he is working
    on everything and that he truly will give me the marriage and the children, but
    if he can not commit to be financially, is he really going to help me bring up
    a child?  My head is going around in
    circles as I feel like I’m trying to abandon him in his time of need, also because
    I allowed and enabled this behavior so I am partly maybe even wholly to blame
    and should take responsibility and give him a second chance.  Or am I just kidding myself? 

    • You have carried him financially for 7yrs, therefore you should not let the idea of “abandoning him” stop you from doing what is best. Yes you contributed to enabling this behavior, but you can not allow your previous mistake to hinder you from currently doing what is best. You simply need to ask yourself, “is this truly the man for me”. I know how difficult it can be to walk away from a relationship you invested so much in to. I understand the fears that come with letting go, and not wanting to start all over and move on. With that said, if you can’t genuinely say that you are sure this is the “right man” for you, then choosing to continue with him will only create more years that you will wish you had back. If you are honest with yourself and look deep down inside, then I am confident you know the answer to the question. Human nature causes us to second guess what we already know, but you can’t and shouldn’t run from what is your reality. You know what you need to do, and I pray and praise GOD because I know you will find it within yourself to move in the direction that is best for you. It is tough, but trust that everything is going to be great once you follow your spirit. 

      • Thank you Stephan.  I
        really liked this article, and hope it gives other women (and men) who are in a
        similar situations the strength to know when to walk away, and knowing that
        they are not alone helps I’m sure.  I now
        know I need to do this for me, and that I do not deserve to be shouted at and
        made to feel worthless.  This morning I received
        a very large bunch of flowers with a card with the message ‘sorry’.  But I’m strong enough to know that this is
        him being scared about loosing me for the wrong reasons.  I’m strong enough not to be taken in by this token,
        although I have said thank you for them since it is only polite.  I have advised him it changes nothing as not
        let his hopes rise, a £35 bunch of flowers is not going to repair the damage that has been caused over the last several years.  He’s not a bad man;
        I think we are just not suited to each other. 
        Maybe he needs someone who will stand up to him and set the bar higher
        than I did.  All I know is that I need
        time on my own, and hope to one day find someone who will contribute equally to
        a future with me.  When I say contribute
        equally, I do not mean just financially, as sometimes I will earn more or less
        than my partner, but emotionally.  The
        main issue was not just the money spent but the emotional gap between us.  How could he love me and treat me like
        that?  The answer is he did not, because without
        respect there is no love.  Thank you
        again Stephan :) carry on the good work x
         

        • I am so glad to see you are headed in the right direction. I knew you could do it, and you will get to receive so many blessings for taking that next step. Thank you very much, and I’m glad this article was able to provide some help to you : ). As you stated, I hope it will help others as well.

  18. Allowed myself to be there…then finally said I had enough and walked away. I had to realize if that love was hurting me it was infecting the others around me. I had to forgive the “situation” #noregrets

  19. I’m going through this situation right now. I’ve know home for 8yrs and we broke up for 2 of those years because it became violent with third parties being involved. I decided to take him back because he said that he had “changed” and I believed him. I ended up pregnant with my 3rd child our 1st and he treated me bad my entire pregnancy and post pregnancy as well. I left him again about 4 months ago and he had been begging me back ever since, but I refuse and he gets mad and degrades me, talks about how no man will want me because I have 3 kids, I’m boring and have no life cuz of my kids. He talks about my body and pretty much everything hurtful he can say. I’ve come to the realization that he is the guy that this post is talking about, I’m just a pawn that has played his game for years, I don’t think he wants me to achieve anything beyond him… But I appreciate this post and reading others because now I am more motivated to move on because I feel like no one understands what I’m going through and how I feel. I feel like I’m the only one going through this situation. I wish the best for everyone. Be blessed God loves us all as one.

    • When a man can continuously verbally abuse you like that, then you can rest assured that this is not love. I’m glad the article could provide you strength and motivation. You deserve great things and you already know what you need to do. Trust me when i say there are many others in your position so you are not alone. They understand, and I understand, and I want to see you receive the best. Take the necessary steps, and let faith not fear guide you through the process : ).

  20. I had a hard time with this bc I didn’t think anyone else would want me bc I suffer from MS. I’ve recently figured out that doesn’t matter. Loved this article! Thank you!!!

    • I’m glad to hear that you have conquered that fear, and now you can receive the blessings that are waiting for you : ).

  21. i feel like this is a comment once again directed towards the male especially black male, and this just doesnt happen always to women but also to men. But i feel like so what if a man needs a lil financial help from hes wife , girlfriend or whatever type of relationship it is. Im just saying this topic can always go both ways male or female so dont get it twisted like women dont dog men out for money at the end of the day.

    • You are 100% correct Jeff. There are women who do the same exact thing, and I can add some additional reasons (not good ones) why they do it as well. I definitely plan to write an article about that and I will link it with this one. Now nothing is wrong if a man hits a rough patch and needs some financial help from his woman. The problem is when that man is only holding on to that woman to receive help or benefits. If a man does not truly love that woman, and knows he isn’t serious about her, then he needs to let her go. To do otherwise is selfish and it just is not fair to the woman you are with. 

  22. I think I’m in this situation now. Me and him have been dating since February. We moved fairly fast because he’s easy to talk to and very outgoing. I just felt really comfortable with him. He looked out for me in my time of need, and I did the same for him. I was even doing his homework (smh), because he was “too busy.” Long story short, I’m staying with my mom’s for the summer, which is 2 1/2 hours away from him. I left in May. He still hasn’t seen me “due to his car not being able to be driven that far because he needs a radiator.” I snooped into his accounts and found out he’s been talking to other women. He’s like on 50 dating sites. And he stopped calling me as often. But he never takes the blame. I’m always the problem to him. He says I’m too needy, nosy, and I want to rush things. He said I want him to be madly in love with me but that takes time. Well, shoot, it’s been over 4 months, how much time do you need? lol…I don’t expect him to be head over heels yet, but talking to other women is disrespectful to me. Like, he couldn’t wait for me to leave town for him to be on the prowl. I’ll take some of the blame. I let us move too quickly. He told me from the jump that he had a sex addiction, but he prayed for God to send him someone that will help him get on the right path. I felt like I should have ran then, but I had so much compassion for him. He told me he’s still in love with his ex, who he hasn’t seen in 3 years, because he never got “closure.” So how can I expect him to give his heart to me? After I confronted him about everything and he finally calmed down enough to talk and not yell, I told him we should just be friends. He didn’t like the idea. He didn’t want to let me go. I stopped calling him and texting him, so he calls like once a week. I know he has a lot going on, and I deserve better. But when I think of all the memories and stuff, I get sad and I miss him. But then when I think of how I feel disrespected and of no value to him, I realize I can do better. This was a really good article. I really see how he’s trying to hold on to me, because I cooked for him, did his homework, showered him with affection (no sex though…I’m still a virgin…been holding out…so glad I didn’t give him that, though it came close a few times), gave him gas money when he needed it, and because I’m a darn good woman–and he knows it. He’s just not ready for me. Oh, and he’s been helping me a lot financially, so he threw that in my face the last time we talked. He said, “Your phone bill is almost due. Who’s going to pay it?” As if I’m depended on him and need him. He’s uses tactics like that to get me to stay. As much as I love and care for him and wish him the best and pray for him every day, I can’t allow myself to be treated like this any longer. I’m not perfect, but I am worth much more than that!

    Just pray that I don’t get weak and take him back….even though, I secretly still want it to work out. 

    • I’m not going to tell you not to take him back, but I will say that you do not need to entertain the idea unless a lot of change has occurred. If he gets himself together then I understand your desire to want to try (not that I am saying you should, just that I understand). If he is still operating with all these issues and concerns, then you would only be setting yourself up for failure by taking him back. Technically, you never really had him to take him back (just have to be honest with you). You two were never official, and it seems that you were just sharing him with others (if not physically, definitely emotionally). So you know what you deserve. We asked GOD to send him the right woman, well maybe you should consider asking GOD if he is even the right man for you. 

  23. Sometimes women kill me acting as if they do not know when they are hurting or if a man is betraying them. Oh, they definitely know. One of the best attributes that a woman has is instinct, but she refuses to use commonsense. Some women do not listen or pay attention to any signs when a man is cheating. They go into denial mode and put on the rose-colored glasses and almost go legally blind to avoid accepting the fact that a man is being disrespectful. I used to be one of those women, long ago. No amount of praying to God helped until I was ready to stop being a fool, accepting nonsense and started loving myself completely. That self-love comes from within. When a man truly loves a woman, he shows love, not mistreats her. He gives a woman the utmost respect. Just because he gives you amazing sex does not mean it is love. I am glad that I learned the difference. If a woman keeps on waiting for a man to change, she will change into bitterness and lose valuable time, get fat, skinny, wrinkles and have regrets. Focus on your life. Be strong. Let him go. You do know that there are more men out there. LOL. One man will treat you right.

    • You are right Poeticsong320. Many women will pray to GOD for that man to change, but they are praying for the wrong thing. They are not in the right place physically or emotionally, and they should pray for the strength to become the woman they need to be. Like you said it starts from within, and the more that start to realize this, the more that can start to move in a better direction. When you take the time to become the “right woman” you will see how easily you will be found by the “right man”.

  24. In the hood, they call it “in house pu**y” Some women have a psychological need to feel wanted and to provide for a grown man. However, until she breaks the mental chains of this psychosis, he will always keep her as the spare tire.

  25. I have been divorced almost 2 years and have moved on with life. I was very unhappily married. Moved, a new job, and a wonderful man. My ex tries to make me feel quilty for being happy because he isnt. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. I cannot help the fact that he hasnt found someone else or that he doesnt make changes in his life to make him happy. I am not selfish but it just really cannot be my problem. I wish everyone could be as happy as I am. But I did it myself for me and for my own happiness. Yes I had good friends along the way to offer advice. But in the end it was still me that pulled it together. I dont want his childishness to interfere with my relationship with my boyfriend. How do I ignore it and not let it get to me?

    • You do that by realizing that he continues to refuse to take responsibility for his life and his actions. It is a shame but it is not your burden to bear. Forgive him for how he has handled things, and always remain a positive source when you must communicate. Other than that, it is not your fault and you cannot allow that to hinder you any further. Your current relationship and family deserve you at your best, and letting this feeling of guilt linger can prevent that from happening at times. When we get to a better place there will always be something or someone to try and drag us down. Don’t feel bad, just smile and laugh it off because it is your confirmation that you have indeed moved in a better direction.

  26. I am in this situation. I am so stupid allowing him to stop me whenever I am going. You are correct I am so beneficial to him and he will not afford to lose me.

    • You are not stupid, this happens to a lot of people. It isn’t easy letting go sometimes but now you know better. I know you will do what you need to do. What is done is done, time to move in a better direction.

  27. wow..soooo true, i knw im dun wit being a convience cuz this nigga NEVA loved me. #true shit

  28. My life in a nutshell… I believe that my husband is a HCP/BPD.  Therefore, the last 15 years of my life have been walking on eggshells. Always wrong, always to blame, the brunt of every classless joke you can thing of, including the threat to trade me in for two 18 yr olds when I turned 36. I needed permission to go anywhere. I was THE caregiver of our 3 children and held a full-time job.  Needless to say, my self-esteem was rock bottom and when some health issues arose a male friend became my support system. I take full responsibility for making that BAD BAD choice. Then my husband found out. Things went from bad to worse. I endured 4 months of isolation, physical, emotional and psychological abuse… hundreds of hours (no exaggeration sadly) of interrogations. I endured it because I felt like it was my punishment for having the affair.  But after the worst physical confrontation, he said that he thought we both needed it and asked if I felt better too… I had enough. I got an order of protection. Then I did something stupid… I let him back in. He was very convincing of wanting to fix what he had broken. A year after the order, I am back on eggshells… fixing what I broke in him by having an affair. He even has gone as far as to say that he is disappointed that I haven’t apologized to him for getting the order of protection and that he never beat me up, just roughed me up a bit and scared me.  The rational part of my brain says leave, hell run and don’t look back but then the guilt hits… Thoughts?

    • When guilt is the reason you are in a relationship, then the reality is that you don’t have a relationship. Nothing about this sounds healthy, and the fact that “love” was not mentioned even once in your comment says a lot. You already know what you need to do. I will tell you this, forgive yourself and forgive him. Yes you made a mistake, but as long as that is being held over your head by him or by you, well then it will be very difficult to continuously make progress in this situation. Again, you already know what you need to do. Just make sure to have an open, honest, and calm conversation with him about how you truly feel. If the answer is not clear right now, it will become much clearer after that much needed conversation.

  29. I am in the same boat. I have been trying to get a divorce for over 3 years. We have 2 kids together and combined with cultural stigma towards divorce in our community its been extremely difficult. I have begged and begged him to let me go. I just wanted an “amicable divorce” whatever that means. And he used that to the end. asking for more time, more chances. He is extremely manipulative  and to his benefit I’m too naif and easy going. Recently I found out I got pregnant from this man (please no judgement, I am already drowning in hormones, guilt and embarrassment over ‘how could I let this happen’ ).  I could not go through with abortion. Now I told him if you want to stay married and move back in (we have been separated recently)  that is fine but it will be just to raise the kids and nothing more.  he turns to me and says “no” He says “if you want to end it that is fine with me ( are you kidding me I’ve been wanting to end it for years and it was never fine with you) , he continues  “if you want me to come home you need to make this marriage work” which means I need continue caring for the kids and catering his needs with a smile on my face even if it means I am dead inside.  And this man after all the turmoil he caused, after all the pain, now got me exactly where he wanted, in the corner, my arm twisted tight in his hands. 

    The thing is after agonizing for a month since I found out about the pregnancy I feel like I rather go through the pregnancy alone and raise 3 kids on my own than having him move back in continue this miserable “marriage”. I mean I cannot connect with this man at so many levels physical, emotional, spiritual, ideological, just general life views are different. If there is a magic solution out there to make this work I swear I would try it. Who would want to break up their family and be a single mom taking on all the burden but I don’t see any solutions. I just can’t get him to understand or maybe he understands but it is not convenient for him…

  30. Wow, this sounds too familiar! This is what happened just last week between my husband and I. Together for 5 yrs, married for 3, I was upfront about what I won’t tolerate, no babygirl, I won’t do that. I spoke up continually and should have paid attention to the signs but my co-dependence caused me to be blind. Earlier this year, I decided through prayer and going to meetings, time to take responsibility for my role in failed relationships, set boundaries, and realized that my feelings DO matter! After saying he didn’t need counseling after my suggestion we get couple’s counseling, I was done. He began going to men’s meetings at church, but I still wanted no part of this “change.” I was leaving, ready to move out, had deposit on an apartment, then we reconciled. We went to counseling at church and worked on our relationship, or so I thought. After counseling was over, he stopped the men’s meetings, and behaviors that were unacceptable came out again. Complacency! Enough was enough and I moved out last week. NOW he’s had an epiphany that he “wants” to change since I followed through and left. NOW he says he understands what he did/why I was at my breaking point. We are separated and I am thinking I am being played. I am saddened that he “just now gets it”, angry that he didn’t listen to me for 5 years, and guarded and leary when it comes to believing him, that he wants to work on being a better person. Reason I am leary is due to his saying, “You opened my eyes…before you left, I didn’t care what anyone thought, if they don’t like it, tough, leave, bye. But because you left, I want to change.” I told him to back up, and asked if he wasn’t tired of all the crap he continued to do/think for most of his life, and the results never being different, wasn’t he tired in his own skin??! And being told my leaving makes him want to change is the wrong reason in my book (he has said he needs to change and will hopefully get me back). I know God has plans for me and doesn’t want me to be the perpetual doormat I’ve been since my family of origin!

  31. Is this still open for comments? I have a situation I need advice on. Seriously.

  32. Thank you for sharing such an important message in your Blog. I agree 100% with what you’ve said. Love isn’t enough…..respect, trust, dignity….a few words that if absent from a relationship….it won’t work.

  33. The info provided is from a person who knows little of love and what successful relationships are like. I’m sorry for all the men and women who fail to see that they are truly products of their early childhoods. It is easy to quit instead of the pain and suffering one must endure to really understand who they are. Marriage means little to our society. Is it that hard to imagine why? Picture yourself swearing an oath to your spouse in front of God, family and friends that reads, “I promise all these things provided they never do the following…” It sounds silly right. Who would want to be honest in a time where false image/lifestyle and debt are personified in our leaders, sports figures and generally anyone famous we foolishly believe to be qualified as role models. I know the heartache of loving unconditionally. I know the decent into agony when the rug is pulled from underneath you revealing a black hole of emotional decay. What purpose does it serve to criticize each other and battle over who is right or wrong? Oh that’s right it makes us feel better in the moment. I forgot that forever is just a moment not a lifetime of events or moments. I’d challenge anyone to reflect back on a moment when they were passionate and inspired by something then somebody very close to you criticizes and eventually proves you wrong. Now, how did you feel? I’m probably asking too much since our perspective changes as we change over time but i think you get my point.
    My name is Brian, i believe in true love. I am an American, a father, a Marine, and i am a soft hearted man. At my worst I, make impulsive selfish choices, emotionally withdraw, enjoy the rage I feed until it consumes me, i lie, i am indecisive, i am evil. At my best I am, compassionate, romantic, intuitive, insightful, willing to help others, a best friend when needed, i am happy. My wife left me after losing my job and told me i wasnt worth loving and her only physical need from me was money. When you are physically attractive, so I’m a Lil vein is not like I’m saying you’re ugly, and emotionally available to your high school sweet heart & spouse of 7+ years and they no longer want you it can turn your world upside down. Obviously this woman is crazy and her irrational behavior only supported this belief. Then i realized i was loosing my house couldn’t keep much less find a job and she wants me to pay alimony and only allow me one day a week with two weekends a month with my babies. I wished evil me were here to suffer for his work in creating some of this crap i was drowning in. I had to fix something, but what…the only thing we can. I am now working on myself after finding myself. I just wanted to put this out for those who think they can’t change their world. You can do what ever you imagine yourself doing. That includes the thoughts and behaviors of those close to you. Obviously there is no magic trick here but I’ll let you read the info from the website for yourself. I wrote this for myself 1yr ago and every Brian out there today who desperately wants their soul mate back because it feels like your soul will shatter if you don’t. Look up environment changer and you may find the answers but you may not be ready for them or the work.

  34. I dated this guy for 7 years. On and off.
    I call him how husband. Yes, we’ve been married for only 3 month and we’re having a huge crisis.
    We’ve been fighting about many issues but mostly because i don’t feel he supports me. And his parents always come first.
    Fights started to get phisical, like pushing, cursing, but never been hitted yet.
    We’ve always had this kind of relationship, where he would messed it up and then come back apologizing and saying he loved me so much he couldn’t and wouldn’t let me go.
    Now i don’t know if it’s time for me to get it over or to try to make it work again.
    I’m lost…

    • Well based on your comment it seems that the issues were never properly addressed. As you stated one of you would mess up, come back saying I’m sorry and I love you etc etc, and then you are back together again. So what may be missing is an effective approach to addressing all the issues that exist between you two. Also as diffcult as it may be at times I want to encourage you not to feed in to the negativity. No cursing, pushing, or any form of verbal attack you can think of. If you want a shot at getting some positive results you will have to rise above this and take a positive approach. The physical part of this concerns me so I do suggest talking to the right people about this potential issue. The main thing here is address the issues at hand and take a positive approach.

  35. I dnt know if I’m in this situation or not, see my man he doesn’t cheat on me or treat me badly… however, he was fired from a good job that he had a few months ago and since has not seemingly been trying very hard to find a job… I really need the help and he knows that, I see him handing in applications every now and then but nothing has really come up. He still has another job but it is very low pay and does not help me at all… I’m not sure if maybe he found that I will take care of him or if he’s actually just stuck between jobs… maybe time will tell but i’d still like an opinion…

    • Honestly it sounds as if he is just going through a rough time. You say he isn’t trying hard but you do see him turning in applications. I feel you should talk with him about this. In that conversation be loving and take a positive approach. Recognize the efforts he has made but come together with him to come up with a more efficient plan to look for a better job. Proper communication will help make things a lot clearer for you.

  36. I appreciate this article more than you know, I am that woman. This is a hard situation to be in because my spiritual man says “stay, pray & let God” but me, the flesh wants to end the pain! Every time I try, I can’t do it. I love him I’m torn because I feel his heart (probably my own) in everything. What I don’t get is why he does this, all he has to do is say he wants a divorce & stop trying to save us. It’s selfish! I don’t take care of him or allow him to get away with stuff. That’s why we’re separated. He doesn’t abuse me but he lies & cheats!

    • In order to “let GOD” you must first find out what exactly GOD wants you to do. Seek his guidance on whether you stay or go. Seek his guidance on how you proceed after you get that answer from HIM. This is not for you to determine based on your logic or what anyone else has to say. This is between you and GOD and when you trust and implement his direction you will find yourself on the path that is best for you.

  37. I have said it over and over to women that I know and I tell my daughters in advance – don’t give him extra credit just for wanting to be with you.  That’s a mess and it sounds ridiculous when presented at face value but it’s what many women do.  Half that man’s appeal is his willingness to be with you.  Now if you have nothing to offer then maybe that makes sense, but if you’re taking care of yourself physcially, paying the bills, taking care of him emotionally, mentally, physically, being a lover, friend, sister, wife, mother – balancing it all then WHY ON EARTH WOULDN’T HE WANT TO BE WITH WITH YOU? DUH!  Raise the bar ladies. 
    D. Elaine Fields
    http://www.defieldsbooks.wix.com/loveandlies

  38. This was good until you put GOD into this. Learn to be a strong willed person through personal devolpment instead of leaning on a false security blanket.

    • I understand you not being into the “GOD” part and typically I don’t place it directly in the articles. I am a strong believer but I want to be able to help anyone no matter what their personal belief is. I feel we should always be able to respect each others beliefs and still b able to have healthy and positive discussions about real issues.

  39. I need help.  I am dating a man that has asked for and received from me thousands of dollars for camera equipment to start a new career (which he is doing very well at), helped with rent, pay for many of the meals, purchased clothes, etc.  When he had some “extra” money he purchased two expensive cameras instead of offering to pay me back.  He says he pays me back in other ways by taking me to art openings, dinner, drawing and painting pictures for me, etc.  We do not have a sexual relationship because he has “intimacy issues” that stem from childhood.  We have been together 31/2 years and we have had sex maybe 6 times and then it was without any feeling from his part, just wham bam thank ya maam.  I have caught him in several lies about talking to his ex-wife (she lives several states away and he never sees her) but he is very secretive about his phone messages and won’t take a call when I am around.  I have tried to break it off several times and every time he begs and pleads to give him another chance as he is working through his baggage and is once and for all resolving it.  (we are both 46 and have been married twice)   He says he loves me like crazy and that he wants a normal, healthy relationship built on trust and he knows he messed up and has alot of repair to do.   I am left feeling used, ugly, no self esteem, lack of trust and depressed all the time.   Every time I tell him it’s over, he tells me “why would I fight so hard for you, if I didn’t love you?”  Help.   :-((  How do I get out of this mess?  I do love him very much but love is not enough in my opinion.  

    • To be honest I feel you do care for him but I think if you looked deeper within yourself you would come to the conclusion that you are not “in love” with him. You seem to have an unhealthy attachment to him and this has impacted you in such a negative way “feeling used, ugly, no self esteem, lack of trust and depressed all the time” that it has made it even harder to walk away. Of course this man doesn’t want you to go because you are too convenient and beneficial to him. He has no reason to let you walk away so don’t expect him to make this easy for you. You just have to take a stand and stick to it. The simple fact is that you are not happy and have not been happy for a very long time. You deserve so much better and this situation is not good for you at all. You have to do what is best for you and just let go. There is no easy way around this. Focus on yourself and getting the healing you need. Also if he wants to claim that he truly loves you well words are not enough. You know what you need and he isn’t willing give it to you right now. Again love yourself enough to do what you need to do.

  40. I was in this situation with my now ex, when I kicked him out for cheating on me with his ex, he went back to live with his mother.  The ex lives in the same town he lives in.  He begged me to forgive him, and start all over, and I did, but I did not move him back in my home, something just wouldn’t let me do it!!  Well, Monday night, he text me to come see him, and I wasn’t gonna go, but I did.  I drove an 1 hr and 30 min.  I get there, he hugs me, he kisses me, I take a shower, and go to bed.  So at about 11:30 pm, I awake to a heavy knocking, on the door of the house, as though someone was in trouble.  He jumps out of bed, and goes to the door, I roll back over, and go to sleep, then I hear scuffling in the kitchen, when I walked to the front of the house it’s his ex!!! They are fighting right in the kitchen, and I am standing there, like “is this ish really happening”?  she yells at me I wanna talk to you!! He finally gets her out of the house, and into the rain, picks up a knife, and she gets in the car, and all I could do was stand there!!! This woman, stayed outside that house in the rain, until 2 am, then drives off.  I got the number from him, and called her.  We met, and talked.  I told her that it was over, between he and I and that I hope everything works out, because, I wasn’t taking care of no man!!! All she could say was that he said he wasn’t gonna ever leave her alone!!! She enabled him, that is why he was in no rush to come back, because she was doing everything.  I explained to her that her self worth was more important!! She did not get it!  He has absolutely nothing to give either of us, but when he was with me, he had gone back to school, and I was in his ish everyday, for self betterment.  With her, it was I will give him everything, so that he will stay with me.  As they say the first time shame on you, the second time shame on me!  I allowed that second time because I wanted to forgive, and trust again, only to be back at square one!!! Alone.  I prayed, and asked GOD, to get him out of my mind, and heart, so I know this is going to be a process, but I know my choice to let go completely of him was the right thing to do!!! A man is a luxury, not a necessity!!

  41. I have been praying for years hopeing to have a better financial life but nothing seems to happen. 6months ago out of curiosity, I bought your Lottery Spell & I won! Even though I didn’t hit the Jackpot but this is the first time in my life I did it.thanks to this man that cast a spell for which iuse in palying this lottery and i won i am grateful god bless you.if you need him for assinstance you can contact him in his email adderss/churchofproblemsolvedchurch@yahoo.com

  42. I’m in this situation as I write this. At the moment I am fully aware that he couldn’t possibly love me after all the awful things he does to me. It’s not the first time I’ve reached this awareness. When he comes back into my life somehow I end up believing he’s sincere, terribly sincere. I can’t go through this again. I pray a lot. I’ve always prayed. As of tomorrow I may find out I can move out of town. It’s my opportunity to escape from him and start a new life. God’s been listening. This man does not love me. How can you slap someone around and declare your love for them in that instant?

    • That can happen when a person is actually trying to keep control over you. You knw what you need to do. So embrace moving in a positive direction so that you can get what you truly deserve.

  43. I’m going through a similar situation NOW. I once loved this man, but as time passed, the bad decisions that he made, the disrespect and complete disregard for my thoughts, feelings, and my belongings got out of control. He would ask the borrow the car (because he never had one), and stay gone over night, causing me to have to find alternate means of transportation to work in the morning…wouldn’t have the decency to call or pick up the phone during these times… He’d sometimes have the house as dirty as a public bus station… He was a self-employed barber, but whenever he had money, he’d disappear, and wouldn’t return until he was completely broke. He began pawning my things until eventually he pawned my tablet and three flat screen televisions. I was livid to the point of calling the police and reporting these items stolen. He promised that he’d get them back… Never did. I got fed up and told him that it was over and he needed to leave. At that point he got physically abusive. He basically imprisoned me, snatching my car keys, and chasing me around the house so that I could not leave, and strong-armed my cell phone from me so that I couldn’t make any calls. I managed to mace him, and run to a neighbor’s to call the cops in order for him to leave. He left before the police arrived…but in the middle of the night, lo & behold he returned. I feel like I don’t know who he is any more… He does not want to leave, and I know that (as stated in the article), it’s just been too easy and convenient for him… I know the only way to be rid of him is to send him to jail… I filled out a police report, and got a temporary restraining order… Wish me luck – - I’ve never dealt with anyone like this in my life… Is there a certain type mental disorder associated with this sort of behavior? Surely, a mentally stable person would not plow over boundaries the way that he has… Thanks for the article, and for allowing me to share my story… I wish all the ladies here the best…and I’m sorry you all dealing with this type of turmoil.

  44. I can relate to this article. I am in a somewhat relationship and I am at my breaking point, but its with a woman instead. I have talk to her and asked her for my space. Some days we are good and other times we are not. I am already stress with school and she adds to my stress levels sadly.

  45. I am currently in this situation with my husband. I asked him to leave over a month ago and he is still around. I just told him today that he needs to be gone at the end of the month. in the past he has been abusive on three occasions and most recently in March he quit his job. he says he has his reasons for quitting but i just dont want to hear them. so now that I am at my wits end and going to file for divorce he wants to beg and tell me how things will be different. initially, i was fearful of leaving but i am way past that. I am at the acceptance stage and he still wants to hang on. He also holds over my head that I said divorce isn’t an option when we got married but that was before the abuse and abandonment from him leaving his job. So I know this move is right for me and I just need him to leave. I see a lawyer Monday. How do you keep your sanity throughout all of this. Life has to go on!

  46. I have this guy that wanted to see other women. (Dating for a few months). I told him go ahead and go explore, I’ll go do the same. Now he’s freaking out telling me he’s not sure if he wants to do that anymore and he doesn’t want to lose me. I have not given him anything sexually and I don’t do anything for him really. I wait for a serious relationship for that stuff. I do give him companionship since we hangout but I don’t know if him not wanting to lose me is selfish or if he really cares.

    • You are his back-up plan. Stand by Chick…in the wings until he finds the next one he really wants to be explore. Don’t let him make you his ‘stepping stone’.

  47. @relationshipExpert I am paying attention to this… amazing advice and very true, thank you… I have been battling on whether to leave a really bad relationship and constantly feel stuck because he said "he refuses to let me leave", and that "we are still togeather" when I don't want it, he says this sobbing, holds me down and claims he will hurt himself and gets very angry when hes the one who cheated, lies all the time and manipulates me sometimes… its easy to confuse that with love when they would do anything to keep you.. its heart breaking really to see him so upset when I say I will leave but my heart is breaking being here and I'm losing myself.. He says I'm the only one who gives him selfesteem.. glad you confirmed what I know deep down, this is NOT love. It gets confusing sometimes when you want to believe the best in people and help them.

  48. Very true, thank you!

  49. I can’t seem to get my trust back in my husband because he lies about stupid stuff now. There was a woman who claimed she was his gal and I was desperate and pathetic because I told him to dump her as a friend or leave me. She made comments that were not something a friend would make. And to make matters worse, he has done things that he knew would anger me and told me if I trusted him I wouldn’t be so angry about it. I had her blocked on our phone and he unblocked her proving I guess hes the man of the house and I need to get over it.

  50. Your post describes my marriageto a tee. After 22 years, I’ve felt little signs of infidelity, not necessarily physical but its there. Also, years of emotional and psychological abuse, broken homes, dishes, you name it. I’m filing for divorce now and he’s terrified of losing his cook, housekeeper, child minder, but he can certainly do away with his wife or friend. I want someone who truly sees me for me and not what I served them for supper and put clean clothes in his dresser.

  51. I am going through this situation right now and the amount of mixed emotions I have is unbelievable. Sometimes I think I’m doing the right thing but then I tell myself “then why doesn’t he want to let me go” this article just explains everything and I need to hear it sometimes to remind myself since I get lost in the confusion and illusion that he does truly love me. I am. Convenient for him, he had a hard life and I help him financially and emotionally while he was sucking all my energy out. This is the 4th time that I left but this time I’m staying strong with the support from my friends and family. It is so hard so hard when u don’t know what is true or not and to just believe it even if you are a strong person you still get confused. Thank you for this.

  52. how true Thanks!!!!

  53. Like you said, as a woman, you know deep inside. Good blog Stephan!

  54. "…the real issue to consider is why do you continue to allow him to stay." Because I wanted to be the one he changed for and I had invested so much of myself in him.

  55. Is he a scorpio? He has serious issues that he needs to deal with. I have been in your shoes and felt so drained. If he will hurt himself he will KILL you. I hope your a believer in God because your ship is sinking and your wasting your time. He wont change unless he wants to. Leave him and see what happens

  56. Amber Banay Why you said Scorpio? I'm curious.

  57. Angela Morton-Isaac I have dated 2 scorpio men seriously and they were the best and worst in my life. Some of the things Kristin said reminded me of what the last man put me thru. Both guys I dater were romantic, passionate,and giving. Day and night as far as their backgrounds but manipulative serial cheaters, and liars. They both played so many mind games with me that no men have ever tried. Other people I know that have dated scorpio men said the same. I don't usually believe in astrology but when I looked up the sign scorpio it described their exact personalities….

  58. Best of luck to both of us Kristin we deserve real love

  59. Wow……totally speaks to my situation! I’ve been separated from my spouse for over a year in the same house!!! No advances from him AT ALL…hard to believe by most but the man has never tried to sleep with me. What do yall think about that??? We are now divorced and he is to leave this week. I’m definitely convenient and the benefits of me in his life far outweighs his contribution. You re so right a woman knows in her heart!

  60. Wwwwoooowwwww!!!

  61. What if the roles were reversed, and she won't let me go?

  62. So very true.know a lot of women who are like this

  63. "Don’t keep telling yourself and others that “he won’t let me go”, because the real issue to consider is why do you continue to allow him to stay."
    Yes, sir…

  64. This is so true ,they are confusing you so ,but one thing is for sure they will never change ,as soon as you give him another chance ,he strike again .They are too selfish to think of your feelings ,they are the only ones with feelings :(

  65. the reasoning is the same man or woman…you're giving her what she wants without you getting what you need

  66. You are Absolutely correct in every single word you just spoken so eloquently! And I have move on with my life. And I'm not rushing into anything! I'm letting God do His work in my Life. I will not allow anyone else break my heart. When all I did was gave them my love, unconditionally!

  67. This is an excellent article!

  68. I love this book

  69. I JUS LOVE HOW MR.STEPHAN GIVES IT ST8 NO CHASERS…..FUNNY THINGS IS WE WOMEN HATE THE TRUTH….MY BLESSING JUS CAME WHEN I LIKED HIS PAGE…GOD SURE DOES WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS……I THANK YOU ON BEHALF HONEST REAL WOMEN…..

  70. This article is right on the money so true something to think about

  71. Great! Time to wake up girls!

  72. Hey im tired be giving man money every month he work every day he get payed under table got child aport on him i pay his telephone every month he dont help me with my house bills all he do with his money play lotteey numbers smoke weed play video games and kick it with his friends and families i dont know what i got myself in to with this person he be give me little money like a kid

  73. I think my boyfriend are useing me after i look out foHim. He be call me dumb a bitch i know shit talking about child and my mother. I think abot to leave this man alone

  74. We love to add you as our beautiful intelligence friendly spiritual friend.

  75. True. i am in this situation. we have been together 3 years. highschool sweethearts.i have 2 kids from a previous relationship and he helps me with them watches them, he does OCCASIONALLY help around the house, but when it comes down to bills, he feels because i have kids he should only have to pay 1/4 rent & 1/4 electric. wow. lets me pay when we go out to eat,etc. but if i say anything about it he is always willing to tell me that he will stop watching mg kid

  76. I met this handsome man in 2009. We dated for two years but I eneded it after that because he hadnt grown up yet @ 35-36 yrs old. His priorities were all wrong and plus he was a womanizer. Not only that he’s still with his baby mama. For two I didn’t call or txt and then finally we met up again. He’s changed some. He’s always went to church. That’s pretty much his entire family. But he’s still somewhat of a womanizer. I live an hour away. His job is scarce. Its hard for him to find a good job because of a long list of misdermeaners. I told him being a friend too that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to rise again. He works @ a car wash but its been cold so of course, no money. He wants to leave but child support will hit him hard. I know he loves her but its @different level because she belittled him all the time and talks bad about him to their kids. He says I keep him grounded cause I keep him motivated. And that I’m his heart. Also that he likes me a lot like deeply but he just told me that God was really talking to him like really talking to him and he doesn’t want to miss out on his blessings but then he said he just wants to be best friends no sex cause its hard for him to come see me being I live over an hour away and he cant help me like he wants. Then he said you know we’re going to always be around each other though. It hurts cause I see progress in him and I don’t want to miss out on that. Cause he’s really sweet. And I have respect for him for being honest. He said I was his heart but he’s mine too. He said if God wants us to be profoundly together, then it will be.

  77. Part 2: what should I do? I truly love him. Should I forget the whole friendship thing? Is he just trying to be nice.?

  78. If he's all tha why? Is she waiting on him to be honest and go herself. Many relationships are torn apart due lack of communication. A man can only use you if you let him, and same goes to the female. Many don't like the idea of being alone, or starting all over. I have a question. If you came from a two parent family were ya mom in dad in love, and was mom or dad staying the relationship for the kids. No man if he's ready to end the relationship will just for the kids sake, what is a relationship, and what does a real marriage look like? This is point that I want to end with. No man or women can be forced to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in…real talk js

  79. ❤️this!

  80. Love your way of looking at so many different relationship issues! They're very helpful! Keep em coming! Thank you!

  81. I REALLY ENJOY AND LEARN FROM THIS PAGE

  82. This is very true.

  83. l see so many men and self help relationship guru's always offering advice to women maybe start giving men some advice on how to treat a woman

  84. Thank u fr sharin d truth

  85. Great article!!!!

  86. Lord so true. I actuall lived this, and just forund out he had another woman, but never wanted me to leave.

  87. I have one that has not let me go in a different way. He never accepted any gifts of any kind from me ever, so I am no meal ticket whatsoever. I know that we have no future together but I Still had to force myself to release him in my heart and mind. He has more than one “catfish” account my social media page and he even found me on Match.com. At first I was flattered that he still cared enough to try and keep up with me. Now I just feel creeped out . . .

  88. Love it!

  89. Im sorry but some of this really gets old it appears that noone thinks a woman is capible of doing all these same things to a man snap into the real world this type of use and abuse goes both directions

  90. Funny how you and Kim Stone have the same Exact Story and use the same Exact words….

  91. This is so true! Let it Go, trust in the Creator and move on. Take it from someone who is living it! He is not worth the precious time that is definitely too short!

  92. I was unhappy in a relationship, he doesn't treat me, he lets his mother interfere, dominate us and she lives in his house with her BF! About 4 years into that relationship (why that long? Cause I have started seeing signs) and I tried to break up with him, he kept saying he wanted to marry me etc etc (I think he was using fake emotions). Then after I went back to the farm a couple days later for a few days, I was thinking and thinking of a plan. When I went home, I was going to sneak into his house while he was at work, grab what's left of my things and drop his stuff off and leave (Friday) and I stayed at my cousin's place and my guy texted me if I am home or something, I didn't want to lie or tell the truth, so we started thinking. I decided to text him back that I am not home (but in town with a cousin) and I stayed over night and texted him about 5pm, that is when I gets off work on those days. I gaved him a long text (with my cousin help), decent, mature text and at the end I said "don't text me, don't phone me, don't come knocking on my door" and turned off my phone till hrs later, he never replied, that was August 10, 2013. And still single and enjoying what I have missed out :)

  93. This is what I needed… Thank You !!

  94. I feel that. I'm thinking it might be helpful to men to talk more with another so we can limit the number of times we have to tell ladies to leave him alone. This somewhat leaves a misguided notion that men are bad, when the reality is that many men, although they know right vs wrong, have rarely any outlets to talk with other men about positive relationships.

  95. My husband has been a truly wonderful man during our marriage of 10 years. Then he decided to cheat on me with an old girlfriend. She just happens to be the same woman that he cheated on his first wife37 years ago. I've since found out that he cheated with her on some of his other relationships too. I am devastated. Why would he do this? We had such a great marriage. Now he's gone and changed it. He says he doesn't love her and never has. He wants forgiveness. How can I? How can I just turn off the love we had? I'm praying, but getting nowhere. I just don't know what to do.

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