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Posted by on Nov 2, 2012 in Real Stories | 18 comments Tags: , , , ,

My Husband, His Baby Mama, and I

baby momma drama

At one point, I thought things would get better between the three of us (my husband, his baby mama and I). I thought we could come to a mutual agreement for the child. At this point, I believe in the statement “Things get worse before they get better”. Let me break it down for you…

My Husband and I have been married since 2008. We were High School sweethearts and prior to us getting married we already had two children together. During the time we were apart we both saw other people (The Rebounds). Long story short, he had another child (#3 for him). Prior to the child he had with Ms. Rebound; she also had two other children from different men (3 “baby daddies” total). Neither one of those fathers were actively in their kid’s lives (no child support, visits, NOTHING). My husband only stayed with her for the child (so he says). They stayed together during her pregnancy and a little over a year after that. My husband is a “Stand Up Guy” who filed Child Support on himself shortly after we split and he had his third child added as soon as he was born (he & Rebound were still together). He has paid Child Support since day one. He always did his part with our kids and hers. I never kept my kid’s from their Father, EVER!

So, after things did not work out between the two of them, they split and we eventually got back together. Honestly, we hooked up a few times during both of our relationships with other people (always safe) but that was up until he told me about the other baby. We got back together maybe a month or so after he split with Ms. Rebound. A year later we got married and one year after that we had our third child together. THIS IS REALLY WHEN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!

They were supposed to have a mutual agreement as far as the child was concerned. Unfortunately Ms. Rebound knew the only way to get to my husband was through their son. So she started saying we couldn’t pick him, you’ll never see him again, blah, blah, blah. Then she would send text messages to our phones just wanting to pick her son up for no reason. She would also makeup lies to tell the daycare which would cause them to not allow my husband to go there and see his son. She would keep him away for weeks at a time but when she would call she’d expect him to jump. When he didn’t jump that would infuriate her more. This went on for two years. I know you are probably thinking “why didn’t your Husband just get a Court Order to see his son?” I use to ask him that all the time too. The only defense I have is that he is such a non-confrontational…Okay, I have nothing. He says “we will pray about it” but I think it takes more than just prayer. Don’t get me wrong prayer + action = results *shrugs* well that’s what I always say.

Last year she was still keeping his son away from him. She has not been in a stable relationship (I lost count) since the two of them broke up. She claims to be in love with EVERYONE that she hooks up with and at one point she even dated MY BROTHER! (Her and my brother used to go to school together). The couple of months that she was in love with my brother was the ONLY time my husband didn’t have a problem seeing his son. My husband didn’t care that my brother messed with his baby mama because we both knew my brother! She went from dating men to women and then back to men again. Constantly moving and changing her cell phone number. Late last year we found out she was a in and out of jail and just had so many issues going on. Needless to say that this was a very unstable environment for the kids and for herself.

My Husband has not seen his son in a month. Ms. Rebound’s cousin called us the other night and filled us in on most of the above. She told my husband “if you have any ounce of love for your son, PLEASE do whatever is necessary to get him”. So after that phone call my husband decides to give Ms. Rebound a call. When she finally answered he confronted her with everything he had just been told. Of course she denied it and refused to tell him where they were staying or what school the child went to. FINALLY, my husband filed a report with the Department of Children Services. Now I have tried to tell him that I’ve had his back since day one but am I wrong for just being TIRED and NOT CARING anymore? It has taken him five years! I’ve put up with her constant disrespect and flat-out bullsh*t. I’m NOT going to leave my husband but I just feel like showing him some tough love and having him handle that all by himself. We currently have the child with us (Temporary Court Order), he calls me mom and I have never treated him any different from my three. I’m just ready for all the drama to be over.

Anonymous

Stephan’s Side Note: Sometimes we are so busy holding on to the past that we can’t even notice the blessings in the present. This woman had not forgiven her husband for how he had handled the situation and for simply having to deal with all of this. Rather than see that finally things could be resolved and that things would be much better, the frustration of the last few years had her prepared to take a position of payback (which she perceived as tough love). Tough Love comes from a good place but the reality is this was coming from negative emotions. This would have only caused issues in her marriage and pushed her husband away when he needed her by his side. She should openly and calmly express how she feels to her husband. As a man he has to be willing to acknowledge all her efforts and how this situation has made her feel. Both have to agree to now move in a positive direction together and let Love not frustration guide them. Always address your issues, forgive, and embrace taking a positive approach to your situations. A goal in marriage should be to grow together…not let the unresolved negativity push you two apart.

 

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

18 Comments

  1. After spending as many years fighting for your family, you make a strong decision to stop. That so called “tough love” will only make your marriage more strained. Stand strong on God’s promises and believe He will bring you through. “In all things give thanks.” You have weathered the storm and now your breakthrough is on the way. Don’t ever allow your worldly decisions to overshadow doing what’s right. When it’s all said and done, we don’t know God’s plan, we just have to follow the blueprints. Stand until the end. PRAY

  2. I totally agree with you Stephan. But can I acknowledge this woman for how she appears to be a stand up kind of woman who has stood by her husband throughout the course of the drama, giving support and offered suggestions to no avail for at least 2-3 years. It seems that her support and suggestions meant less to him than a cousin of this baby mama. Suddenly he decides to take acting after taking his family through all that drama. I believe sometimes that we must acknowledge the ones who support us and make them feel secure that thier comfort is most important. This guy just praying about it is also communicating that he is not the man that she thought he was and doesn’t deserve the respect that she seems to be giving him. Women want to know you will put them first…she is still not sure because what will happen after temporary custody is over?? She can forgive but I believe there is an underlying question whether he will stand up in the future and be a man and protect his wife and his family from this drama.

  3. So I completely understand this situation (my parents had it worse then this to say the least)…and reading this I can tell/see/and understand your frustration too. I would be irritated and would want to show some tough love to my husband too or say “if only you did his or that” or “told you so”. BUT, through all that crap you guys are a team. Remember the vows “for better or worse.” This is definitely a “Worse” moment but it will get better.

    I agree with Ptrisha1- doing the tough love thing will just strain the relationship more. From this stand point he should have stepped up and done something sooner-I understand that and I’m all for get it done get it done get it done. BUT I can/do respect he wanted to pray first and if he was feeling like he should wait/God was telling him to wait then I can not argue with that. Have you thought about his feelings during this process? This probably irritates and hurts him as well and the only way he’s make through is because of you, being by his side. 

    Tough love: If you want to distance yourself from your husband, cause a fight, build a wall between you two, break up your relationship, divorce, hurt your children-lets face it they know something is going on even when you don’t talk (they are not stupid)-all that stuff…by all means, show him the tough love. Maybe this won’t happen but I can guarantee one thing: you will only make it worse, and you are laying that foundation for a wall.

    Just my 2 cents.

    • My Mom started this, distancing herself from the whole situation. Telling my Dad it’s his problem because she was tired of it. I do not trust my half siblings completely-heck at all but my half sister wanted to be part of the family now that we are all adults. I am pretty much having to choose between my Mom and my half siblings…because she wants nothing to do with them because of all the crap from their mother and what she made my half siblings do. This is hurtful to me even though I don’t trust them they are still family. So yes I know how it feels/the affects of what can happen.

  4. Ok.I guess it’s good to know that I’m not the only one in a similar situation. I too have given my significant other advice on how to get a handle on the situation at hand. He chose to ignore me and do things his way. After countless trips in and out of state to go see his child and to be able to not see the child after hours on the road and wasting money on gas…he stated to see it my way. When he started to see it my way I really felt like this woman..I don’t care to even be involved anymore. I took the time out to show you how much I cared by giving advice and when you got upset, I was upset with you. When you were let down, I was let down with you. When things didn’t go your way it affected me as well. So now that I’m tired of being jerked around with you I’m at the point where I’m tired and now I’m going to let you handle it Not that I don’t care about you, I just don’t care to be stressed out about it any more because I showed you through my words and my countless actions to help you get control of your situation that I cared. So I know exactly how this woman feels. The biggest thing I learned was when you are in a committed relationship with someone who is in this situation their journey becomes your journey. I think that her husband needs to realize how it has affected her. She’s affected to a greater degree than what we see or she’s telling us. The two of them were involved with other while they were seeing other people. He goes and has a baby with her. Now she has to deal with that situation. So it’s a lot for her to handle. By her giving him advice shows that she has taken on his journey and not because the two of them are married. I’m assuming the child was born way before they were officially married. Because she has demonstrated her care for him and his situation, he should acknowledge that she has been trying to help him from day one. True they should be praying about it. That will help to make them stronger and will also help to make the situation better, but he is going to have  to give God something to work with. Put some action into it. He won’t be able to fix it alone (which is why he’s praying in the first place) but he could have done something way before now. I understand what you are saying and you have a point from a man’s perspective. However, if he feels that way after the fact then that is just crazy to me. His wife has had to deal with a lot from the situation and his BBM. Dealing with her alone is probably enough to drive her crazy. So I think he needs to take the time out to acknowledge all that she has done in the beginning and recognize that she did it because she cares for him and his situation along with fully understanding why now she’s tired and not really fixed on helping him at this point. They just need to continue to pray about it. I’ve seen from my parents situation and even from mine where prayer can turn things around with his BBM and in their marriage.

    • You make an excellent point. If you notice I went back and updated my side note. I realized that I only gave stated what I basically told her because she was the only one I had an opportunity to speak to. Had I spoken to the husband then I would of definitely explained to him how he need to acknowledge her feelings and how this ordeal has affected her. So I changed the side note so that when men who read this (who are or ever find themselves in a similar situation) now they too will have some advice to take away from this scenario. The main thing is that we move in a better direction. I think we can all understand her feelings, but we can’t allow that to get in the way of having a better relationship. 

  5. This is a classic case of someone not ready to let go. You have to put people in their place and make them stay in their lane. She no longer has the right to call you outside of “friend” hours. If its not an emergency, then shut ‘em down. Here is whats funny, people fight you tooth and nail for child support, then when you pay it, they suddenly want you to “be around more,” now isnt that funny. Make them respect your new relationship. Hold them to what the court agreement says. They made a choice to put the kids in the system now they have to live with that. 

  6. Thank You Stephen, for your advice. I applied it to my situation! 

  7. FOR THE RECORD, I NEVER said I would Stop standing by my husband. I just wanted to know was my feelings wrong and/or even normal. We are in a much better place now. We have Full Custody of my stepson now and his Mother recently signed over all of her rights (for her it was never about the child in the first place) We have not heard from her since we were served with papers of her relinquishing her rights. I am still a little sadden by the situation because I know what it feels like to grow up with neither a Mother or Father (biological) but I’m am thankful that God work things out for the best interest of the child. Thank YOU all for your input, opinions and encouraging words :-)

  8. The thing I mostly take away from reading this, and all the comments?
    I’m glad that I ALWAYS use condoms. No “baby mama drama” for me. 

  9. this whole bull shit story about love when ppl are cheating and lying you don’t even know what love is I Feel Sorry For His Children Cause They Gonna Do The Sam b.s with men n woman when they get older smdh

  10. I was just saying the other day that sometimes we women need shut up and let well enough alone.  I mean any woman who’s ever been with a man that knows the frustration of telling a man something a fagillion times only to have him turn to you one day after days/weeks/months/years and say “honey, you know what I was thinking. . .” or “baby, you know I was talking the so and so the other day and HE said . . ” It’s infuriating I know! But dang, ladies, once you get your way, is it really important who’s idea it was?? That is the very definition of a nag.  Even when he’s finally right – he’s wrong. Your best bet is to congratulate that brother on his wisdom and MOVE ON!

    craziness.
    D. Elaine Fields
    http://www.defieldsbooks.wix.com/loveandlies
    #whatwouldyoudoifhismistresscalledyou

  11. I honestly think your answer is bullshit, and I mean no disrespect to you at all. But she has every right to no longer care to beninvolved in a situation that honestly should not involve her. That is HIS child, not hers, an therefore it is HIS responsibility to make sure that whatever needs to happen for that child does happen. If it takes him 5 years to finally decide that he wants to try for custody of his child after years of seeing that child at only his triflin baby mothers’ discretion then it seems to me as if he really may init have been sure that he wanted that child as a permanent fixture in his life. I love my husband with all my heart but if he ever puts me in a situation like this, he’s on his own. You’re a grown man, figure it out.

  12. I should have known that this woman was the devil when she had me come over her house and she lied to her boyfriend and said I was her cousin. One year later, I’m a dad. She did me worst than the first dude. Here is a real phone conversation between us both. Man this is so crazy I went through the exact same thing. In fact in a way I’m still going through it. I’m not seeing my child like I’m supposed to either. In fact she kept my daughter away from me for 8 months. Then she moved 1200 miles away without even telling me. My wife and I wrote a book about this whole thing.

    Phone conversation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ps6YLJI04qE

  13. I Agree Also the kids shouldn’t have to be put in a terrible situation I Love that she has put the BS behind her & focused on the Love 4 the child…:)

  14. The tendency in these types of relationships is for all parties not to set and respect boundaries. Many babydaddies have unfinished emotional business with the moms of their children and are quick to take up with another relation?ship which only ex)temuation. Moral ?

  15. Oftentimes in relationships like this, men fall silent while the women involved (baby mamas, wives, or girlfriends) are left to duke it out and try to make sense of the madness. Relationships like these need BOUNDARIES and men need to LEAD. Also, so many “baby daddies” have unfinished emotional business with the mothers of their children and think that running away and hiding out in a new relationship will fix it, only to have to deal with the storm in the form of not being able to see their children, court dates, etc. Do the hard work BEFORE you get into a new relationship gentlemen. And ladies, if you choose to be with a man who has children outside of your relationship, make sure that he has a respectful relationship with the mother of his children with boundaries already enforced; and if necessary, give him TIME to do so. No relationship is built overnight, including a co-parenting one. Do the work, or pay the consequences later. PS.. can wives and gf’s PLEASE stop the list of negativity and put downs on the mothers of their man’s children? I’m sure if we examined your parenting skills, they’d fall short also. It’s not a competition ladies. It’s a life and innocent children are involved. -Melissa http://mamasbaby.blogspot.com

  16. With all due respect: Your response, Mr. Labossiere, is crapshoot. You completely dismissed the YEARS before the wife got to this point and reverted to the asumption that this woman is indirectly punishing her husband.
    Whether her ‘tough love’ is coming from a negative place is hardly the point, and I’d almost say irrelevant. The point is this: This woman trusted her HUSBAND, not boyfriend, but legally-bound individual to care for, defend, and protect her, their home, and his family (including this little boy from an unstable parent). His actions- or I should say, inaction is **exactly** what prompted this woman’s response of figuratively throwing her hands up in the air and giving up.
    Nothing in this woman’s post indiciates she is “holding on to the past.” I have two problems with this phrase you nonchalantly threw out there:
    For one, this woman is dealing with the “habitual behavior” and “personality” of the child’s mother.She is not dealing with some mere occurrences that happened before her time. So this isn’t a case of “past slight.” It was an environment. One that she was fully submerged in and part of.
    Secondly, for those of you who have never witnessed firsthand, or have been, in a stepmom position with coniving, vindictive women, cannot fully appreciate the emotional damage and chaos they can affect with the man, and as a domino-effect, with the wife and the family as a whole. By her husband choosing to be “passive” in what can only be described as a war zone, he gave this woman every right to maintain an offensive position and take the necessary “precautions” (i.e., not caring anymore). I would bet my bottom dollar she is doing this to save her sanity, and most importantly protect herself and her family- something which HE should have done since this was his creation.
    Too many men get married and allow these women to violate boundaries expecting the wives to understand that this is them advocating for peace. The problem with that is their relationships with their wives and the subsequent family is destroyed/severely damaged in the process. And then we wonder why second marriages practically don’t stand a chance…..
    The best thing a man can do in these types of cases is protect their home.

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