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Posted by on May 16, 2013 in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating, Marriage | 13 comments

It’s Not About You

its not about you man woman mad on couch

Guest Post by Natalie Vartanian: Do you want to know the quickest way to have a more loving, healthy, mature, respectful relationship? Remember (and repeat) the following statement: “It is not about me!” In other words don’t take things personally. Once you get this one small but powerful realization you can apply it to any challenging or stressful situation and you will be a much calmer, happier individual in general.

The first time I ever really grasped this concept fully was when I read Don Miguel Ruiz’s book called ‘The Four Agreements.’ This was in my early twenties. Before that I was super sensitive and would easily get triggered by things people said or did around me. One of the four agreements he claims will help you achieve ‘personal freedom, love, happiness and peace’ is “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” And he means ANYTHING. It sounds radical I know. Also sounds easier said than done. And it is. However this one shift in perspective changed my life, and as a result the way I started showing up in relationships.

To put this into context, imagine the following scenario: You have been seeing someone for a couple of weeks and there has been major flirting and sexual chemistry. The day finally comes where you are going to have sex with them for the first time and he can’t ‘keep it up’ or she is super dry. Since many of us have experienced this in some fashion or another, it is very easy to assume that his lack of firmness (or her lack of wetness) is an indication of their level of attraction to you. However, it could be a number of reasons to cause that situation. It may be that he drank too much, he could be tired or stressed out (most likely reason), is used to masturbating often or already went past his masturbating quota for the day, etc. In terms of a woman, she may be worried about how she looks physically, is unsure of your feelings for her, is stressed, has had a string of negative sexual experiences before meeting you.

Another scenario: You have been really looking forward to going on a date with someone who you feel is a ‘keeper’. The day of your date, they send you a message in the morning and apologize profusely but have to cancel because they didn’t make their deadline at work and need to stay late to finish the project. Here again there is so much room for assumptions to be made and things to be taken personally. Where most people (especially women) will go in this situation is believing that the person does not care enough about them to figure out a way to have kept their date. They will jump right to ‘taking it personal’ first instead of considering and embracing that this was a genuine situation where the person could not make it. They should try putting themselves in the person’s shoes for one minute. They probably feel just as bad not being able to keep their commitment and be their word. They most likely would rather be laughing and talking with you over dinner and drinks than having to put in work late night at the office.

Even if you are experiencing the 1% of the time where it actually may be about you, it is still an assumption unless you get that information straight from the horse’s mouth. If you are going to assume, why not assume that it has nothing to do with you! Taking this approach will actually smooth a lot of choppy waters … both internally and with others. Take time to communicate any concerns and give the other person an opportunity to explain what their actions are really about. It’s better  to take a positive approach to gain clarity vs. an unnecessary negative reaction when it wasn’t even about you to begin with.

About Natalie Vartanian
Natalie Vartanian is a certified life coach, motivational speaker, personal development consultant, giggler, lover of skinny branches and a gypsy! Her favorite topic in the whole wide world? Sex and Relationships. She travels around the globe inspiring people to dream big and take the risks toward their most fun and adventure filled lives, full of loving relationships and hot sex!

13 Comments

  1. I love this, it describes my attitude since the begining of the year and just like you said Stephan I am more relaxed, less stress out, and really I am enjoying more my relationships with male or females. I don’t make things about me, by doing so I learn much more about others, I see more things from their body language, I “hear” clearly instead of “listening” I am happy I finally got to this realization. Can you say GROWTH? Thanks for the article. Great word

    • Joelle – I love how you mention that when you stop making it about you it actually gives you a chance to learn about others. WONDERFUL realization. So true. Really glad you are taking this on and making it part of your being. ;)

  2. This is seriously such an important reminder! It is so easy to take things personally because you think if it affects you, then it must be about you, but that’s just not always the case. This goes hand in hand with Don Ruiz’s other agreement, “Don’t make assumptions” for me. When the heart is involved it’s too easy to take others and what they do personally, but you just can’t ever know what’s going on in their world and it’s amazing the weight that is lifted off your shoulders when you let that responsibility go and give things a little space to just happen.

    • Dana … agreed as to assumptions and not taking things personal going hand in hand. It is absolutely freeing! Life is SO MUCH calmer living these principles. haha

  3. Definitely has helped me out ALOT! The relationship I am in now I’m learning not to take things so personally. My feelings get hurt very easy – to the point where I close my significant other out; then he figures I’m upset & has NO idea as to why I’m upset.. This article has hit EVERYTHING on the nose. Thanks for this!

    • Soooo glad this helped Jessica! How have things been since you have been more aware of this? XO

  4. My name is Rose Smith from united states of america. I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in February this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR.MADURAI he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is maduraitemple@yahoo.com

  5. I love that book. Great post. What about when your long term partner cheats on you? It's still not about you, and you can choose to not take it personally, but it still hurts and can break your heart. And if it is your fiancée or spouse, and they never apologize, that still isn't about you, but they're not hearing nor seeing nor "getting" your grief, the loss of intimacy, and your pain can be very hurtful all over again. It might not be about you but then it seems impossible to be close to them anymore. Does this make sense? Thank you so much. xo

  6. My name is Ralph me and my girl are have some problems . I was on some chat lines. I'm no longer on the chat line but she things I mass up on her. I did not but I need to make things. Better for us I love her and I don't won't to lose her
    So if you can please help me Ralph Hadley

  7. Hi Andrew – that is a really good question. Of course there are going to be hurt feelings and there are consequences to every action (someone who is caught cheating will face repercussions, i.e. their partner losing trust in them). In those situations, time and a rebuilding of trust is what is needed to move forward. I have seen it happen and it takes a lot of dedication and work from both parties, but anything is possible if the intention and committed action is there. Hope this helped! XO

  8. I am so sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your partner Ralph. In the same way I described to Andrew, it is going to require time and the rebuilding of trust. Maybe start by asking your partner what it will take for her to trust you again? You will need to not just tell her but show her that you love her and do not want to lose her. Actions speak louder than words most of the time. Being open, honest and vulnerable is the key here. Speak from your heart for her to be able to really hear you. Hope this helps. XO

  9. great post…I loved reading it…challenged me to have a broader mind….

  10. Thank you for sharing this article. I am so glad it sparked some good stuff for you to contemplate and hopefully shift the love energy around! :)

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