How Many Men She Slept With Shouldn't Matter

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Why How Many Men She Slept With Shouldn’t Matter

Posted by Stephan Labossiere in Advice for Men, Dating, Intimacy | 355 comments |Tags: , , , ,

sexy woman looking in the mirror

In today’s day and age sex dominates our society. Yes I think waiting till marriage is the best thing to do (which I will discuss in a future post) but I still acknowledge the fact that many of us make a choice to engage in sexual activity before marriage. Men “getting around” has pretty much been accepted as it is. Women on the other hand get slandered, disrespected, and chastised for their choice to be promiscuous at any point in their lives. I feel this is an unfair double standard and I refuse to judge them or cast a negative light upon them for their choice. Too many people use the fact that this woman has slept with a certain number a men that they personally deem too high as validation to dismiss this woman as a potential mate or a future great wife. Why are we so stuck on this? Should the number of men she has slept with really help determine if a man should be with a specific woman? I say how many men she has slept with should not matter.

What do her previous partners have to do with who she is today? Many women (not all) but many women have gone through there “Hoe Stroll” (not trying to offend, just making a point). “Hoe Stroll” is defined as a period of time where a woman is much more promiscuous than she has ever been or will be again. Many times the stroll occurs in high school or college, but it varies for different women. With that said, don’t expect all these women to reveal this information. This is why the whole idea of using her number of past partners as criteria is unnecessary. You can be with a woman who only tells you she only slept with 3 guys when in reality you may have to add a 0, or two 0’s. You may never know and either way it shouldn’t matter. What should matter is if she is STD free. This should matter in the sense of being fully aware of it, but I support any man being with that woman if you love her regardless of what she may have. There are women who have been with one man, and have gotten an STD. While the next woman can be known around town and still have managed to not catch any STD’s. So again basing her value as a woman off of numbers shouldn’t really mean much.

Some may argue that it speaks to her character. I understand where you are coming from, but I do not fully agree. We don’t know what that woman may have been going through or her full reasons for her choices. Some may just love sex and wanted to explore. Others may have been dealing with some deep issues and did not know how to properly handle it. Either way I think all women when put in the right relationship (and have taken time to heal & love themselves) are capable of operating as the best women they can be. Now if the real reason you hold this against a woman is because you don’t want to have to compete with the level of pleasure her past lovers provided, well you just need help then. That should not deter you, if anything let it motivate you to just be better and become the best lover she has ever had.

All in all I just don’t feel we should be looking at the amount of men she has slept with in the past as evidence for if she is someone to be with. I have seen women who had only slept with one man end up being “loose” while in a relationship. I have seen women who may have once been viewed as “hoes” be the most faithful in a relationship. Her past had less to do with either scenario, but her current relationship had plenty to do with it. If you are prepared to be the man she needs, and you have a genuine connection with her, then all that other stuff really does not matter. If you can’t provide a woman with certain things you will always leave the possibility of that relationship going in the wrong direction. Nothing wrong with knowing who she was with in the past, but understand and respect who she has become in the present. We block love sometimes for all the wrong reasons, and how many men she has previously slept with should never be one of them.

Related Article: The Double Standard

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About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

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  • Sharona Thomas-Wilson

    Personally, I am a bit old fashioned…I just think that having so many partners that you are ashamed to admit the number is disgusting. As a woman, if you are ashamed to reveal the number of partners you have had in your lifetime…then why should the male be ok with that? If I were a man, I wouldn’t want to be with a woman and everytime we leave the house fear bumping into one of her former sex partners…what does she have to give her husband if she has given it to 100 men?

    • RelationshipExpert

      ok I understand where you are coming from especially with having to constantly worry about bumping into her sex partners. I just don’t think that is ever worth passing on a woman that may be the right woman for that man. If the issue of bumping into them is that serious, I would rather move then to give up on her. Most of us have things in our past that the next person can view in a negative light. I don’t think we should judge a person based on that. As far as what does she have to give, my answer is her love, support, and the happiness that she provides. She is still fully capable of satisfying a man and fulfilling his needs….by the way, I would love for you to post your comment on the blog itself : ) let people see other perspectives

      • Jamie O.

         And who are we to judge anyway?

        • Kamalabsolom

          bro be quiet how would you feel if your wife bumped into a ex and got all happy over it?

      • kp

        Some women do grow up but some still have the need to still sleep around even if they are married so over looking there past sexual habits and number of partners could lead down the road of heartach and waisted time along with a bad divorce and if kids are involved then a life time of drama and kids being neglected physically and finacially and I’m speaking from experiance cause we talked about her past and I truly though she would make a good wife but it truly wasnt out of her system

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          I’m sorry you had to experience that. I completely understand where you are coming from and I do believe in discussing a persons past. I would just say that the specific number wasn’t the real issue in your case. It was the fact that she had not worked through her issues and resolved the things that contributed to her taking this route. When we don’t heal from our past and address our issues we will likely set ourselves up fro more problems later.

      • Joe

        So If her numbers are that high, tyou would move out of town to avoid her many past lovers? Really? You don’t think that’s extreme? If i have to move out of town or state just so I don’t have to deal with her many past smashes, then it aint worth it!

      • LR

        Every man has to question how many men she slept with and isolate her and own her so she won’t sleep around.

    • 4sholebaby

      She has the same thing her husband has to give to her. Her husband probly slept with 100 plus too

      • SHARONA

        THE DIFFERENCE IS A WOMAN’S BODY IS BUILT DIFFERENTLY AND THE WEAR AND TEAR IS MORE EVIDENT.

        • StephanLabossiere

          Just wanted to throw out there that this isn’t always the case. Some women know how to take care of themselves in a way that would cause you to have no clue how much “wear and tear” they may have. Have you ever heard of kegel exercises? Again I am not saying go out there and be “loose” just addressing your point about the wear and tear.

          • Brandon

            Women should in my opinion do kegel
            for their own well being and for that matter
            for their partners.

        • me

          The “wear and tear” should be the same from sleeping with 100 different men as sleeping with one man 100 times.

          • StephanLabossiere

            *Applause* That is an awesome point! 

          • some dude

            this is not true. the more different men she has slept with, the more chances she had sex with an extremely endowed man, which would compromise the elasticity of her vagina. I have had sex with a really “tight girl”, but she was only tight because she had strong kegal muscles. Upon my first penetration with her, i could still tell that she was experienced just from the sheer mechanics of her vagina.

          • UI

            Interesting. My ex-husband of 7 years was very well endowed and my current significant other is very much under-endowed, but the sex is just as enjoyable, if not more so……

          • Dave

            Isn’t it women who tell men & society: “You can’t tell me what to do w/ my body?”…Especially when it comes to pregnancy & abortion?…Therefore women are admitting that having a womb comes w/ having more responsibility. If your not going to be responsible w/ your body your either going to lose that double standard, or lose respect. The Era of female double standards is drawing to a close. “Your going to get what you want, we’re going to see if you want what your going to get.” You want to beat these entitled, feminist pigs guys? Don’t marry & don’t give them kids. Both come back to screw men.

          • http://twitter.com/DaKidGowie Verified BO$$

            Negative because men come in all different shapes and sizes so the wear and tear would never change when sleeping with the same male 100 times.

          • Fufs2

            don’t forget the emotional wear and tear, the baggage

          • Avxc2011

            Please! As promiscuous as men are! they are the last person to even go there! Get urself checked and keep ur pants on before u question her!!!

          • Brandon

            LOL ! Do you think that you can scold men into non judgement ? Or control and/or reduce the rejection that women are going to receive ?

          • gotsomevalidquestions4u

            Dude, you better check yourself before you mess yourself! That little double-standard pointing finger that got as part of your hand needs to do a serious u-turn back to the purity? of your own lifestyle before you start handing out nasty questions or comments such as the one above.

          • Amandababyy94

            honestly your vagina doesnt really strech out till you have a baby. ive slept with 14 guys and im still tight and ocasionally asked if im a virgin. it depends on the vagina not the number of guys.

          • candy bar

            Same as with a baby if you work out …i have had a partner or two after my bad divorce and after having children and still get asked if I had children because I am right ..I personally think it depends on how the person is made idk..what do I know though ..

          • candy bar

            Oops tight

          • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

            People please keep in mind, God made Average for a reason. Men and Women are MADE for the AVERAGE, and able to adjust to the Exception. Society is emotionally drained because of this ignorant behavior. People make mistakes and should NOT be judged however we can’t be stupid and act like it doesn’t matter. If I was looking for a Woman, I DO care about her past, and she should care about mines. I don’t really care how many people she has been with within reason, however I do want to know what I am dealing with, and I would like to know whether she would be completely honest with me, IF I DESERVED IT!

          • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

             Is this a JOKE? Education can do wonders! Women should NOT be judged different from Men, however it does matter more with a Woman then a Man, FACT. Especially when you are getting up into the mid Twenties to Hundreds.

          • Sharona Thomas-Wilson

            Men are different shapes and sizes therefore I beg to differ.

          • Brandon

            Depends on if the wear and tear is being done physically or mentally. Phsyically, I’d agree. Mentally….not so much.

          • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

            That is an excellent point

          • Michael L. Mackey

            Right…..so why would I want her after all that wear and tear….LOL I’d rather all that Wear and Tear come from me. I’m selfish like that….LOL

          • gotsomevalidquestions4u

            And, why would she want you after all your wear and tear? God’s commandment is….. Thou shalt not fornicate. Not ……Females, you shall not fornicate. The commandment was and is for both genders of mankind. Why is that so conveniently forgotten? Hmm?

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1135144617 Nacene Ajosmee Thomas

           I don’t think u r being objective. If u had slept with a hundred men would u have wanted anyone to judge u? Better yet, have u ever been judged or discriminated otherwise? Furthermore for both sex d rare and tear is evident.  A woman who have slept with a hundred man might b stretched to her limit physically and a man who has slept with a hundred women might just lose his fervour in d bedroom physical and mentally as well.

        • http://www.facebook.com/zach.smith.39794895 Zach Smith

          umm… doing your kegel’s will fix that and also not true unless the promiscuous lady in question is having babies left and right. 

        • Gloria

          Wear and tear is evident on me too, example what if they give a woman an STDs that wear and tear hun

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joseph-Mentor-Nichols/512545338 Joseph Mentor Nichols

        Any person with more sex partners than years of life has an addiction and needs to be rehabilitated.

        • Karmah2012

          totally agree!

      • brandon

        And that’s why marriage is on the decline and will go steadier
        downward but that’s not a bad thing.

    • MsSadly

      If they pass some one that they slept with on the street the best thing to do is ignore them. Life goes on and if they are not in someone’s oh well. Next!! lol but seriously men and women should be viewed the same. it just kills me that women be the main one judging other women.

      • altamera74

        We all make judgments all the time. For instance, you are judging that other woman for judging other women.

    • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

       You GO GIRL! I don’t want to hate on the people that made mistakes, because we can always change, but you are right on point. Men just want Women to stay loose, so they can keep getting laid daily! Nowadays, everyone is playing games, and everyone will lose. A Woman or Man that sleeps with 100 people is emotionally DEAD!

    • Seany ORiely

      Agreed! Thank you!

  • Aundreas81

    Personally, the number of guys dated doesn’t equal number bedded. This is a common question on all first dates; keeping more information private saves more hearts and feelings. There’s timing to all things, even discussion about lovers.

    • RelationshipExpert

      Definitely dated and slept with two different things. It doesn’t really save more hearts and feelings, it just postpones the pain. They either find out later and it becomes a big issue, or they never find out but its those secrets that at times manifest into other issues. We all have to learn to be more open and honest as well as more receptive and understanding when someone does open up to us.

  • Nakia Carter

    I agree. No one-male or female-should be judged for their past actions. Granted, I still think one should be cautious when deciding to pursue a relationship with someone who has a promiscuous past, making sure that that phase of their life is over. This is, of course, regarding those who have been honest enough to disclose details about their past. (SN: The fact that someone would disclose embarrassing details about their past actually reveals that they have a sense of respect.)

    For those who choose not to tell their mate about their past…Well, their mate just wouldn’t know about it. But what we all know is that everyone has a past. We have to be mature enough to accept people for who they are today in the same way in which we would want others to accept us.

    This is definitely topic that deserves to be discussed further. Thanks for sharing!

    • RelationshipExpert


      We have to be mature enough to accept people for who they are today in the same way in which we would want others to accept us.” awesome line and I agree completely.

  • Mncp2

    I Think that u r bringing this up is great and it needs to be talked about more.i Think when u Get older u Think more about this things and talk about it and see that people can change and of course u go thrue life experiance different things.we r not all the same and what people do different things and shouldnt be jugded by their past

    • RelationshipExpert

      Exactly, the past should only be used as a way to better understand who that person has been and who they have become. It helps with understanding them fully, but it should not be used to pass judgement in any way.

  • fetish4green

    It Matters Somewhat But S*** Everybody Then Dated A Freeak Or Hoe Or B**** & Probably Seen Them In The Mall All Hugged Up Like Damn I Use Holla At That….We Grown Now Sometimes People Change…….!!!

  • http://twitter.com/NickWestbrooks Nick Westbrooks

    I think it would’ve been good to also discuss the trust issue briefly. Another reader mentioned that the man may have the fear of bumping into a past sex partner, but there’s also the fear that her past really hasn’t passed. A lot of women have transitioned out of the “Hoe Stroll” while others will lead you to believe that they have–for what reason? I don’t know. You can probably answer that. But I had a young lady who was interested in me. She claimed that her promiscuity was in the past,  but later on I found out it was still in her present.

    • RelationshipExpert

      You make an excellent point and I wanted to leave the door open to a separate post that would address the trust issue as well as the “why she has slept with so many men”. Because the “why” rather than the number of men is what really should be discussed in order to better understand who this woman has been and has become. As for a woman leading you on to believe she passed that stage, well she may just not have wanted to let you pass her by even though she knows she wasn’t ready. Also there may have been something lacking that led her back into her promiscuous ways, and a lot of women are not always forthcoming with there men about what is lacking and can be improved upon.

  • DaniiDee530

    I agree totally. As you stated, as long as she is disease free, there should be no issue. So what if she runs across someone she slept with in the past? Does that past “lover” (so to speak) affect her current situation? Because if not, there should be no issue. As one commenter posted, we’re all adults so I say do as you please.

    • RelationshipExpert

      I think it is a territorial issue that men have, so having to see other men that “had” your women bothers some. As you stated, it ultimately shouldn’t affect the current situation.

  • Benitez Matias

     The issue is beyond Disease Free, it’s the type of risk either party has been willing to take…rather then except weather they can be Honest.   I understand the value of myself, we all make mistakes, but the underline issue is not excused for neither party

  • Sharpmar247

    If a woman has been with multiple men and ashamed to tell the current man in her life, in my opinion that makes her dishonest. Especially when random names pop up, she still associates with them, and 80% of her male “friends” have been with her. Who’s gonna stick around for that?

    • RelationshipExpert

      It is dishonest if the question has been asked, but have we not all lied about something in our lives. I’m not condoning it but I think we should keep an open mind about it. Now if she has actually slept with 80% of her male friends and she still associates with them, then I can see where that may be to tough of a pill to swallow.

  • Jessica Parker

    It is very refreshing to read something like this.  I really do agree that the double standard about sex partners is ridiculous.  I don’t have too much to say about this, because I pretty much agree with most of it.  If you refuse to give a woman a chance because of her past, you might be missing out on a really good woman.  People learn and grow from their experiences.  And people who are so quick to judge others usually have some self-esteem issues.  If you are confident, you will be more understanding of others.  Being promiscuous is not always a conscious decision.  For example, if your first sexual experience is a violent one, pain could cause you to become numb sexually and emotionally.  You can develop a ‘don’t care’ attitude.  A woman might think that since she’s not a virgin anymore, it doesn’t matter what she does sexually from here on out.  Anyway, enough of that.  Don’t judge.

    • RelationshipExpert

      Thank you Jessica : ) and you raise an awesome point. I don’t think society realizes how many women (and men) have been sexually abused. It definitely plays a role for many people as to how they go about their sexual lives. To judge them is just wrong and unfair. Very good point, I may have to edit the post and throw that in somewhere : ).

  • deedee26

    I think how many sex partners you have had should matter. In my opinion, it kinda shows what type of person you are and how much respect you have for yourself. Im 26 years old and have never given myself to anyone. i admit i do have trust issues but these men now days get around. the women do to. And they be passing around STDs. so if you been with a lot of people you are NASTY!!!

    • RelationshipExpert

      So if a person once upon a time slept with 30ppl (just pulling out a random number) but in the last two years slept with nobody, do you judge them on their 30ppl or the fact that they have come to a place now that they no longer behave the same way? I applaud you that you have been able to wait, but that doesn’t mean now you should look down on others who have not. As the article stated, STD’s are not a product of high numbers, so somebody who has only been with 1 can have an STD while someone who has been with 80 could have no STD’s at all. Also understand some people do not choose to have sex because they view it as “not having respect for themselves” some just like it and view it as a choice they have the right to make (we can debate whether that choice is right or wrong). We all have issues, so we have no right to be so quick to judge, and look down on others for their perceived issue.

      • deedee26

        I Dont see it as passing judgement. but come on now. If you slept with a lot of people how exactly do you expect people to view you. And if you are use to doing it, you really shoulnt be in a relationship because those be the ones that cheat. i could never date no one that’s slept with a lot of people. Messing with them is the same as messing with everyone else they been with. Besides its a sinful lifestyle anyway.

        • StephanLabossiere

          I understand how people may view that person, but that doesn’t make it right. I also disagree that those people are the ones that cheat. Typically, people do not cheat simply because they are accustomed to being promiscuous (or have been in the past). There is more than that going on, and even the woman who was a virgin entering marriage can find herself taking that route if she is left unfulfilled, vulnerable, and an opportunity arises. As for the “sinful lifestyle”, if that person is no longer living that life (or even if they are) then is not judging them still wrong? Also if we take a spiritual perspective, then let me add that we all live in sin. So if you are saying we should avoid those that live sinfully, well then we won’t be entertaining anybody at all. 

    • SHARONA

      THANK YOU DEEDEE26…I HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS 37 AND IS A VIRGIN…ONE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A VIRGIN BUT I APPLAUD WOMEN LIKE YOU WHO HOLD YOURSELF TOGETHER…IF WE LOWERED OUR NUMBERS MORE MAYBE THE VALUE WOULD GO BACK UP!

  • Easy

    I completely disagree. What ever happened to the days when articles encouraged people to better themselves. Yes there is a double standard. It is expected of women to value themselves more highly then what we expect of men. As for “Step your game up!” Sex shouldn’t be a competition. This is why abstinence is essential. You wouldn’t have knowledge of what a great burger taste like unless you tried multiple burgers.. But if you only had one burger, that one burger would be your set standard. But everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you want to compete with this rest of the world then by all means go right ahead, I’ll get in line right behind Wesley Pipes. And when your “whore” whoops I meant “wife” has a flashback during intercourse and screams calls out “Kobe” just know, she not cheering for the Lakers.

    • RelationshipExpert

      “Wesley Pipes”, “calls out ‘Kobe'” lol you really took it there. You say what happened to encouraging people to do better, but how is continuing the practice of judging people on their past a good thing? I think you misunderstand the article, this is not an article to promote a woman’s right to be promiscuous. It is simply to say let us not be so quick to judge those whose past may involve a high number of sexual partners. There are so many reasons why she may have taken that path. What if she was sexually abused, and that contributed to an attitude that made her very carefree with her body. Would you still judge her as nothing more than a “whore” or was she simply a victim of a horrible act and didn’t know or wasn’t able to get the help to properly handle it. Lastly all should value themselves because at the end of the day it is best for all to wait (though many of us struggle with it), so don’t just put that on women. 

      • Easy

        Yeah I had to read the article again lol the first time I read it, I guess it came of as promoting promiscuity. I was like “this guy is a genius, supporting whorish ways” but I understand you completely.

        • StephanLabossiere

          lol It’s cool man, I can see where somebody could view it as that. I’m just happy you were open minded enough to actually read it again and see where I was coming from. Always feel free to express yourself on my blog because even in disagreement the discussion can be good and productive.

        • StephanLabossiere

          lol It’s cool man, I can see where somebody could view it as that. I’m just happy you were open minded enough to actually read it again and see where I was coming from. Always feel free to express yourself on my blog because even in disagreement the discussion can be good and productive.

      • MarathonGirl

         If any guy called me names like a “whore” or uses my past as a “deal breaker”
        before getting to know me, my first thought would be “Wow! what an stuck
        up a****le (Jerk…whatever feels right at the time.)”
        I’ve been with one man-my ex-husband. It
        was a bad (abusive) relationship. Fortunately for me he had an affair
        with his friend who was also married and he wanted to be with her. I agree everyone should practice abstinence. I did and am again.
         

        Instead of making the number of guys/gals she/he has been with a “deal
        breaker”, find out the reason, spend time and get to know that person
        before automatically being a jerk and walking away. If nothing else you
        may get a good friend out of getting to know that person.

        • StephanLabossiere

          I love the fact the despite only being with one man, you are still able to take the position of not using someones past against them. So many women who have waited seem to not be as open minded. I agree with you completely, and applaud you for being able to be abstinent again.

    • UniversalConsciousness

      Great burger? Encourage people to better themselves? and who or what is the judge of what bettering yourself even is? Do you know women feel the same about men sometimes. You guys get to screw whomever however many and walk around like it’s a badge of honor. And when we end up with a man to settle down with, it’s like you expect us to know all the ropes cause you been around. You think we want you “all used up”. How do you think we feel?
      But Ultimately, We are so busy judging each other we have forgotten the true meaning of what love even is. Love isn’t about sex. Beauty fades, parts get old. 
      I hope you come in awareness. 

  • Jenniferrenee2631

    I’m surprised by the comments I’ve seen so far! Women are no different than men. Numbers mean nothing. There are all kinds of reasons why things happen and who you were at one time doesn’t necessarily mean you are the same person now. Also, I do not believe in the double standard! Not at all. If I am feeling someone and want to have sex, then so be it. I’m not going obsess over the fact that my numbers may be to high. I am not a whore or a slut. Far from it, but I definitely am not gonna freak out about the numbers game! If you find someone you’re into, that’s all that matters. I don’t play the who slept with who game. Who cares? As long as you can be faithful to the person you’re with, whatz the problem??

    • StephanLabossiere

      You know I feel you Jennifer. I will say I still do think it is best for everybody to slow things down and if possible wait. I just could never judge those who choose otherwise. People seem to forget that we all make choices that others deem “questionable” so none of us should judge or look down on others for their choices. what we can do is discuss what may be a more effective way of going about things and encourage taking that route.

  • Suzie Ramsey

    Amen brother. I’m LOVING this….past partners MOST DEFINATELY have nothing to do with the present.

    • StephanLabossiere

      : ) glad you like it Suzie

  • http://twitter.com/NbLovely Natasha

    There are so many things that enrage me about this article and the post below that I don’t know where to begin… Let me begin by saying that I am infuriated by the ignorance that surrounds this topic and the comments below. As Oprah said (excuse me if I misquote) ” If you know better, do better”. Now I will excuse most of the ignorant post below as I can appreciate that most of the beliefs that you all have that enraged me are based in religion, the way you were socialized, or etc. However, promiscuity is not gender based. It’s not right for one gender and wrong for the other. The fact of the matter is what one decides to do with their body is their decision and they should not be judged by imperfect perfect people based on that decision. Now although this may not be the route you chose when it comes to sexuality it doesn’t make you better than or more wise than the girl or guy who chose to have 100 + partners.

    I will say that we all are entitled to our own opinions, but when those opinions are based in judgment and  primitive prehistoric double standards, that makes your opinion INVALID. Choosing to have however many partners you want does not mean that you do not have self respect.

    This is a topic that deserves a great deal of attention so perhaps some of these idiotic ideals will be eradicated. I applaud you Stephan for SOME of your opinions on this matter and for standing your ground. However, you chose to explain a woman’s promiscuity with abuse, mental issues, and low self-esteem. I vehemently disagree with this! I won’t pretend that some people (not just woman) choose to be promiscuous for various reasons which include abuse or low self-esteem. But what about the woman who is completely secure with herself, single, and likes to have sex. Is she a hoe or as you said on a “hoe stroll”? Most of you would reply yes. I on the other hand would reply no. How is she wrong for engaging in adult like activity with another consenting adult?

    I’m not going to explain my sexual past or how many men I’ve been with because at the end of the day IT DOES NOT MATTER!!!! I could go on forever but I’ll stop here…

    • StephanLabossiere

      Hey Natasha : ). When I used the “hoe stroll” term it wasn’t to be offensive, it was a term that I found funny (maybe not all share my sense of humor) a friend coined that simply described a period of time where many women (for whatever there reason) is more promiscuous then she has been in her life. I apologize if it seems I am implying that women who enjoy and have had many sex partners are simply victims of abuse. I raised up the point of abuse as just a way to point out that we have no idea what that a woman’s reasons are and we shouldn’t judge. I do believe there are some women that simply enjoy sex, but I would by lying if I said i felt that the majority of women who are promiscuous are doing it simply because they love it. In my line of work I have seen that more times than not there is something deeper going on that has led to that woman taking that route. Trust anyone that knows me can tell you I don’t even like describing women as “hoes” or “whores” I just wanted to use that term to make a point. As far as wrong or right, I will save that for another post. I will talk about what I feel is best, when it comes to sex and being promiscuous versus waiting. I do agree that this topic deserves a lot of attention because I think people on both sides of the arguement have something positive they can learn or take away from this.

      • http://twitter.com/NbLovely Natasha

         Hi Stephan, I wasn’t offended by the term- hoe stroll. I actually thought it was clever. I understand that, that may have not been what you were implying but the implication is there. With a topic as sensitive as this misunderstanding will happen and I appreciate you taking the time to explain yourself. Text can be very ambiguous.

        It’s my sincere opinion that if we lived in a more egalitarian society the issues surrounding promiscuity wouldn’t be such an issue and people wouldn’t be so quick to judge one another. Imagine for a moment that the United States was an egalitarian society. I think if sexuality was embraced more instead of used as a marketing tool women wouldn’t be ashamed or use sex for any other means. Of course no one solution applies to all. I just feel that the issues are deeper than sex or promiscuity.

        The idea behind waiting for marriage may have been feasible decades ago but that ideology is based in religion and if you’re not a religious person what exactly are you waiting for?

        • StephanLabossiere

          Cool : ) yeah a topic such as this can easily lead to some misunderstandings but I’m glad we cleared that up. Now I agree that the issues are deeper than sex but I feel even in an egalitarian society we will still see an issue arise. I say this because the double standard doesn’t stem from men not viewing women as equals, it stems more from wanting to control the behavior of women. Back in the day (I mean waaayyyy back lol) it was all about having a virgin. So in my opinion the way to ensure more virgins and keep women in that “box” is to slander anyone that steps outside of that. Which will deter women from not being the innocent virgin that so many men desired. So even if a man views you as equal, his desire to not want to see the women he wants go outside his desired perception of her is to make her feel like she is nothing but a whore if she dares cross that line. I may not be properly explaining this but I hope you get what I am trying to say.

          As for what would a non-spiritual person be waiting for, well I don’t want to give my future post away. I will say that there are plenty reasons why it would be best for all to wait that can be applied to anybody regardless of their spiritual affiliation. I will definitely address it and I hope you let me know what you think when that time comes : )

          • http://twitter.com/NbLovely Natasha

            I agree that at the core, this issue stems from control. Women are yet to be seen as equals. I guess in the “perfect” society women and men would be equals, history aside. I totally agree with what you’re saying and how history is a big part of the males’ ideals when it pertains to women and what they should and shouldn’t do in reference to sex, vocation, etc. Some of the points you made in your last response was where I was trying to go, but duty called and I had to cut my post short.

            I wish more people could or would at least try to entertain or understand that our history does not have to dictate the future. Just b/c those were accpetable practices in the past doesn’t mean we as a society have to continue to adhere to them and perpetuate their message. When we do that the message continues to live on. Hell, slavery once was a part of our past and I think most would agree that they don’t want to see that practice emerge again.

            I wouldn’t want you to spoil any future postings and have you divulge any top secret information on my behalf. :-) I’ll try to stay afloat and let you know what I think.

    • SHARONA

      @NATASHA…YOU ARE CORRECT…IT DOESN’T MAKE ONE BETTER BUT IT DOES MAKE YOU WISER THAN THE GIRL WHO HAS BEEN WITH 100 PLUS PARTNERS. I AM SORRY, AS WOMEN…WE MUST HOLD OURSELVES TO HIGHER STANDARDS…WHEN WE BEGAN TO LOSE OUR MORALS AND ACT LIKE “MEN” IS WHEN WE STARTED TO BE MORE LIKELY TO GET SHOT THAN MARRIED. WOMEN THAT ARE CONSTANTLY ON THE “HOE STROLL’ MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR WOMEN LIKE ME WHO ARE NOT…WOMEN WHO CARRY THEMSELVES WITH DECENCY AND RESPECT. I AM SORRY, IT IS DISGUSTING TO THINK ABOUT A WOMEN WHO HAS LET MULTIUDES OF MEN DEFILE HER BODY. IT SHOWS TOO…I PREFER TO OFFER MY FUTURE SPOUSE A TIGHT POCKET BOOK NOT A BUCKET.

      • Unbiased Opinion

        Why must women be held to an higher standard than men? Sex isn’t just for men. Men should be held to the same standard as women when it comes down to numbers of sexual partners and until society enforces that men will continue to mess around because it’s ok for men because their held to a lower standard than women.

        • gotsomevalidquestions4u

          Itz never been ok for them. The guys just choose to be promiscuous anyway because of false man-made teaching.

  • Eugen

    Way to know your market… :)

    • StephanLabossiere

      Lmao!!! Though I do try to be aware of my market I promise this article is my honest genuine opinion lol. 

  • http://twitter.com/BlackPowerRager البطل

    This was probably written by a hoe. No one wants to date a girl thats been ran through. Can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. 

    • StephanLabossiere

      Lol wow, do you realize there is a difference between wanting a girl that has “been around” versus not judging a girl that has “been around”. Do you realize that technically men can be hoes to, so should we say “Can’t turn a hoe into a Husband”? Or do we grow up and understand that who someone was in their past is not always who they are in the present. A woman did not write this, this was written by a man.   

      • MzJcP

        I think that this is a very mature way to look at the reality in which we live. We all have a past & lol about the wear & tear comment. Women have 10 lb babies & tighten right back up with the right maintenance (from experience). Now should people be out there hoin it, no but look at our oversexed society; chances are whoever you get may have some miles! Well written!

  • Alee4272

    I found your article very interesting.

    • StephanLabossiere

      Thank you very much : ).

  • Smileysponge1

    why be ashamed or beat yourself up over a number… if numbers didnt define a “hoe” then her actions would. Bascially what im saying is if we never had numbers to say oh well having sex with 20 men makes you a hoe then we would have to base that on how she occured those sex partners. For instance a girl had sex with 20 men(but we dont know numbers) and they were all her boyfriends then in that case she wouldnt be a hoe. But if a woman slept with 20 men and didnt know half of them, then it could be safe to consider her as a hoe 

  • Kvncoles

    deep. i must say im a hypocrite on this one. my gf was honest about her past and i constantly bring it up whenever we argue not saying it’s right but I can’t help but think about the number all the time. although I’ve had my fair share partners i dont like a woman who has. I am trying to be forgiving which is why this article was very validating and informative. cant hold it against the woman I love.

    • StephanLabossiere

      Trust me I completely understand that most of us would prefer our partners didn’t have active sex lives prior to being with us. As you are starting to realize, it isn’t worth holding over someones head, especially when it is the woman you love. Make an effort to no longer throw it in her face, because that only makes it harder for her to be open and honest with you going forward. Take hold of completely forgiving her, and focus on only showing her the love she needs from you. I’m happy to hear this article could help you in any way to move in a better direction. I hope your relationship benefits greatly from it.

  • Moraleschristina20

    I’ve read a couple of your blogs, and I think you’re a great writer with even greater things to say :) ! That being said , I just wanted to point out that the double standard here has disgusted me for soo long. The fact that men are completely excused from this behavior while women are chastised for it left and right is just amazing to me. & What makes it worse is even most women have adopted this way of thinking ! Ugh. (-_-)/

    • StephanLabossiere

      Thank you so much : ) I really appreciate that. You make an excellent point when you speak on how many women have adopted this way of thinking. I plan to discuss why this has happened in a future post.

  • Black Success Story

    I think I’d have to agree with Sharona. I’ve been in two serious relationships. Though neither worked out I had two completely different experiences. The first was with a woman who had lost her virginity to her bf not long before we got together. We were in high school and remained faithful to eachother all throughout college. Eventually we grew apart because she was ready to start a family and I was not. The woman I started dating after college was the complete opposite. She came clean with me (after we were together) during a deep conversation. She informed me that she had sex with over 30 men. I was horrified but because I did not want to be judgmental and because we were already together I stuck it out. She eventually cheated and we broke up.

    What I noticed about these two women as well as my female friends and colleagues is that women who have had a large number of sexual partners often have different values and a different outlook on relationship behavior than those that have not. The two women above were no different. The first one was very faithful loyal and gave no other man any indication that he had any shot with her while the other flirted etc and didnt see anything wrong with it because she hadn’t had sex with anyone. Granted, I agree it may all come from some traumatic event or maybe an ongoing psychological/sociological issue (ie lack of a father or mother etc) and In fact, the promiscuous women did suffer from some deep issues. However, the end result is still the same. These women often have a very nontraditional view of the way a woman should carry herself in a relationship.

    I have observed and had many discussions with my female friends, colleagues, and women ive dated, as well as read the facebook & twitter posts of women I am less familiar with but know that a few of my friends are VERY “familiarity” with. Consistently I found and my friends agree,  that these women with basketball numbers are the ones more likely to do little more flirting, and view this as well as other innapropriate things as “no big deal”. They are more likely to be the ones that say “oh he’s just my friend” when her “friend” disrespects her relationship.

    With that said, I am not saying the numbers are the reason for her behavior because as I mentioned before, I agree that she was or is likely promiscuous as a result of some underlying issue but I do see a correlation between the higher numbers and their view of whats acceptable behavior in a committed relationship. Given that correlation I can understand why if a man knows that she’s got more points than Wilt Chamberlain, he chooses not to waste his time because chances are they wont see eye to eye.

  • Black Success Story

    I think I’d have to agree with Sharona. I’ve been in two serious relationships. Though neither worked out I had two completely different experiences. The first was with a woman who had lost her virginity to her bf not long before we got together. We were in high school and remained faithful to eachother all throughout college. Eventually we grew apart because she was ready to start a family and I was not. The woman I started dating after college was the complete opposite. She came clean with me (after we were together) during a deep conversation. She informed me that she had sex with over 30 men. I was horrified but because I did not want to be judgmental and because we were already together I stuck it out. She eventually cheated and we broke up.

    What I noticed about these two women as well as my female friends and colleagues is that women who have had a large number of sexual partners often have different values and a different outlook on relationship behavior than those that have not. The two women above were no different. The first one was very faithful loyal and gave no other man any indication that he had any shot with her while the other flirted etc and didnt see anything wrong with it because she hadn’t had sex with anyone. Granted, I agree it may all come from some traumatic event or maybe an ongoing psychological/sociological issue (ie lack of a father or mother etc) and In fact, the promiscuous women did suffer from some deep issues. However, the end result is still the same. These women often have a very nontraditional view of the way a woman should carry herself in a relationship.

    I have observed and had many discussions with my female friends, colleagues, and women ive dated, as well as read the facebook & twitter posts of women I am less familiar with but know that a few of my friends are VERY “familiarity” with. Consistently I found and my friends agree,  that these women with basketball numbers are the ones more likely to do little more flirting, and view this as well as other innapropriate things as “no big deal”. They are more likely to be the ones that say “oh he’s just my friend” when her “friend” disrespects her relationship.

    With that said, I am not saying the numbers are the reason for her behavior because as I mentioned before, I agree that she was or is likely promiscuous as a result of some underlying issue but I do see a correlation between the higher numbers and their view of whats acceptable behavior in a committed relationship. Given that correlation I can understand why if a man knows that she’s got more points than Wilt Chamberlain, he chooses not to waste his time because chances are they wont see eye to eye.

    • StephanLabossiere

      You make a very good arguement and I like how you articulated it. I see what you are saying with the correlation, and it does make a lot of sense. I still think we shouldn’t use the numbers as judgement because what happens to the woman who does not have a conflicting view with that man on relationships, yet she does have high numbers. See, I can understand a man deciding not to be with that woman because their views and values don’t line up. Yes the chances that they won’t see eye to eye may increase based on her sexual past, but it will not always be the case. So if that woman is open and honest enough to tell that man her numbers, he may walk away from her before he even learns that she now does share the same values as he does. Or, if a man is already with a woman, and he truly loves this woman. Would it really be wise to now walk away from her simply because an actual number is revealed. So I completely understand where you are coming from and again I think it is a very good arguement. I just still think we have to evaluate that person for who they are now, or in many cases just trust GOD if you feel he has told you this is the woman for you. 

  • Mr Kisslick

    So, wat about da age do it matter? Most women judge good young men fa they age that ain’t been in so many relationships with out friendship first

    • StephanLabossiere

      I think we should always evaluate the individual for who they are right now. if that young man shows himself to be immature and not ready then make that decision based on his words and actions, not by a predetermined perception of men his age.

  • Nkreseknowledge

    This shouldn’t matter, but you checking cell phones??  LOL!!  A mess… you gonna have these women out here single and lonely..

    • StephanLabossiere

      Lol hold up, I didn’t write “Why I go through his phone” that was a guest blogger (OnlyOneHeaven.com) but I did write this article. I don’t see how this article will have women single and lonely.

  • Candice

    Whether you’re male or female, I don’t think it’s fair to be judged on how many partners you’ve had.  Or whether you were once a stripper.  Or whether you have 3 kids by 3 different women.  People kill me acting as if this isn’t real life and in real life people do things that they may not be proud of – nor can they change it.  You live and you learn and then hopefully you do better, so if someone has slept with 99 different people, that doesn’t mean there doesn’t come a point in their lives where they are ready to settle and be in a committed relationship with just one.  No two people are the same and regardless of what you may think, you don’t ever know EVERYTHING there is to know about anyone.  Folks need to grow up and kill all the judgement as if they are walking perfection.  

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joseph-Mentor-Nichols/512545338 Joseph Mentor Nichols

      If you are a man with 3 children with 3 different mothers, there is something wrong.  I understand that women will drop you in a heart-beat these days and that relationships are just “a way to pass the time until we can trade up”, but as someone who has already made that mistake once, you should be prepared to prevent it the second or even third time around.  If people would stop having children out of wed-lock this would alleviate some of these incidents.  Please have a successful relationship before you consider children.  Nothing has ever been more important than that.

    • Altamera74

      Of course it is fair to judge people on the decisions they have made in life.  This is life.  It’s all we have.  You are the choices you make and the life you live.  It is perfectly fair to judge someone based on the choices they make.

  • Iamakeupartistry

    Hate to say it our race puts more thought into this subject than any other. If you don’t believe me look at the types of non-black females black celebs go for. There is nothing pure about these women. I hole hearted believe both males and females can be whores. Men are not exempt! I know plently of them.

  • Anneasuquo

    Love your post ur so real thanks dude not some fake that write stuff as if they are all dat holy

    • StephanLabossiere

      thank you, I really appreciate that

  • UniversalConsciousness

    Excellent point of view. Well written article.

    • StephanLabossiere

      Thank you very much. I just hope everyone receives it correctly

  • Seay444444

    Respect his article but I totally disagree. Main and women are different for reason and once we start opening up the doors for women to act similar to men’s unhealthy actions, You’ll start seeing to even higher divorce rate in the future. Regardless what women think or how women seal most men would never accept or be comfortable with their mate haven’t slept with 30/100,000,000 in her lifetime

    • StephanLabossiere

      It’s not about allowing women to act similar to men, but simply to not judge women who may have had a promiscuous past. Because most men are not comfortable, this is why many women lie about it. Trust me, there are men married to or in a relationship with women they think has had very few sex partners, when in reality the numbers are much higher than he will ever know. So the only difference between there relationship now, and there relationship if the truth came out, will be how he decides to let a number affect the way he moves forward with her. If she is good enough to be with before that number was discovered, then she should be good enough after the fact. Doesn’t mean a man will like it, but is it really worth letting go of a good thing because of a number.

  • Vee

    I totally agree with you. The number of sexual partners a woman has had does not determine what type of woman she is. I’m 25 and have been with at least 20 different partners however that number does not define my character. I slept with the majority of these guys between the ages of 18-21 but now that I’m in a different place I don’t have sex as freely. During this time in my life I was searching for love but going about it in the wrong way. However, now that Im older and know what love is I don’t open my legs as willingly. If a guy was to meet me he would never guess my number is so high because it’s all about how I carry myself. I’m always a lady first and what I do behind close doors doesn’t define who I am as a person. I think people need to stop judging one another and get to know a person for who they are now and not the person they were in the past

    • StephanLabossiere

      Your situation is exactly what I want people to understand. There are so many women that this applies to, yet because of how we wrongfully judge and attack others, they just aren’t as open about it. I’m hoping this article opens some eyes and gets people to start looking at all of this differently.

  • Chantelbrooks7

    I loved this article. It shined light on a topic most people don’t elaborate on. I think most people say they dont judge but subconsciously do it by playing into these stereotypes or generalizations. Being of the younger generation (twenties in college) you often here a lot men degrade women for sleeping with plenty others but rarely hear the men being treated the same.

  • ryaninfamous

    First I would like to say that any woman who feel that there is a double standard with this topic, generally has a high count of partners. Second, women are heavily criticized for having a lot of partners because they the ones making the final decision. Men have to go out to 10 women and hope 1 of them chooses him. On the other hand. women wait for 10 men and get to choose 1. If she chooses to sleep with all 10 men that makes her easy. Women whether it be in the past, or in modern times, created an image that they must live up to. They say that all men are dogs, do not want relationships, and can not commit. Women are thought of being prudent and conservative. Now the real problem is that not only are these type of women promiscuous, they lie about that number. If she is so comfortable with her sexuality and sex drive, be honest about the number. And for the women who cry out that the number of partners doesn’t matter, then why not just be honest. “Because my man gets insecure and wants to leave” Well I’m sorry to tell you that no man wants damaged goods. “Most” men can understand a mistake or two, and possibly some bad boyfriends. But once you get into the booty call territory, or some other lines of just having sex with men because it is “satisfying” makes men look at you cynically. Ladies need to just respect themselves overall. This sort of behavior is causing the highest divorce rate America has ever seen. The fact that Kim Kardashian is a role model for women is sickening. My personally opinion, 10 partners in a lifetime for men and women should be enough. When I met a man that claimed to have slept with 150+ women and a woman that slept with 50+ men, its no wonder we have broken families, std’s, and little girls like Amber Cole becoming prevalent. Respect yourself ladies, and men will respect you. 

    • StephanLabossiere

      I disagree that promiscuity is what has caused the highest divorce rate America has ever seen. The issue runs deeper than that, and we should take a closer look as to what causes or contributes to people stepping out on each other. I understand a lot of what you are saying, but the main thing to remember is not to judge someone on their past. It is one thing if you say I don’t want to be with a woman who is currently promiscuous vs. overlooking a woman who currently does not engage in all that, but once upon a time she was on that path. Evaluate that person for who they are now, not who they were previously. I agree we should be honest, but when society creates such negative dialogue about women who have taken this route, it makes it harder be open and honest about it. So there is a responsibility on both ends. Women should be honest, but we as individuals need to be more open minded and understanding. That does not mean you have to agree with it. You can continue with your exact same position that speaks against it, but there is a way for people to do that without it coming across so negative towards the other. 

      • Altamera74

        You say we shouldn’t judge someone on their past? Hah!  Tell that to employers who are hiring new employees. I can see it now.  “Well sir, my past should not matter.  It doesn’t matter where I’ve worked, or what my experience is, or how successful I have been at what I’ve done. Stephan says my past shouldn’t matter, so there!”

        Past DOES matter.  /Especially/ when choosing a mate.  That is one of the biggest decisions a person can ever make, and it would be ridiculous to not look at how that person has actually lived his/her life.  The best way to evaluate who a person really is, is to…you know…actually look at how he/she has lived his/her life.

        There is a reason the vast majority of men do not want to marry a slut.  It matters.  What you do with your body matters.  Who you choose to share it intimately with matters. Who you allow inside yourself matters.  How you view intimacy, and love, and sex matters.

        Additionally, male and female sexuality is just different.  As ryaninfamous pointed out, women have the power to practically have sex with any man they want, whenever they want.  Men do not.

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          You stated “How you view intimacy, and love, and sex matters.” well what holds more weight, their current view or their past views? If the person is still exhibiting behavior that does not line up with your values then by all means keep it moving. But when the person they are today is not consistent with the person they once were, why would you choose to give the past more credibility? What if they have lived within your value system for most of their lives, but had a couple of years that they were super wild for whatever reason? I understand your position, but I do not agree that it is the best approach. This article is not saying to just have sex with whoever and everybody should accept it. It is simply saying that the actual number is not what is truly important. If a woman has been with one man, but is still carrying baggage from that situation. Currently behaves in a way that can hinder the growth of a relationship, and not allow herself to be the woman you would need. Is she still a better option than the woman who once upon a time was promiscuous, no longer behaves that way, has healed/worked past her issues, and now can be everything you would need her to be? Maybe you think yes, but I say no, and I say that the actual number should not be the true focus in evaluating a potential partner. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that with higher numbers there is  a higher chance of certain issues coming in to play that most men will not want to deal with. Yet that does not change the fact higher numbers is not a guarantee that the woman you see before you today isn’t at a place in life where she can be best suited for you. That is my opinion, and I guess we can agree to disagree on this one.

          • altamera74

            Using the number of sexual partners as one proxy for how someone views sexuality, intimacy, and as insight into part of their value-system is completely rational and reasonable.  If a woman is saying all the right things about her values and views on sexuality, intimacy, etc. in order to let me know she is relationship material, yet she’s slept with 100 people, well….I wasn’t born yesterday. ;)
            If the actions belie the words, go with the actions.  

            Again, you say the past shouldn’t matter.  Let’s try this on for size:
            “Your honor, I’ve been arrested for those rapes which occurred 4 years ago.  I’m not the same person now, and I know what I did is wrong, so obviously, there should be no consequences for my past behavior.  I’m reformed!”

            I doubt you’d go for that. I wouldn’t.  And I wouldn’t ignore the past in a realtionship either.  Relationships are important, and looking at the PAST, how someone has…you know…/actually/ lived their lives tells you a lot about them.

            We all spout platitudes about what our beliefs are, and often, these can be idealized versions of who we wish we were.  Much wiser to look at how a person has actually lived a life.

            The number is certainly not all that matters.  Agrees.  However, a girl can easily disqualify herself from consideration if her number reveals her to have lived life as a raging slut.

            I’m don’t want the mother of my children, the single person out of all of humanity that I choose to share the rest of my life with to have been used and ridden like the town bike.

            Disgraceful.  Embarrassing.

            I have self-esteem.  I deserve better, and so would my children.

            Yes; if you are a man who is desperate, with few options, lonely, or perhaps a submissive beta, settling and investing in someone everyone else has gotten for free may be a solid option.

          • gotsomevalidquestions4u

            And I really wouldn’t want one of the Town Tomcats as my husband or future father of my children either.

          • gotsomevalidquestions4u

            I absolutely agree!

        • gotsomevalidquestions4u

          I don’t know if you’re a male or female judging by your username. I guess it really doesn’t matter. However, a guy can be just as much of a slut as a gal. And, if many guys were blatantly honest with themselves and others, they would probably admit to being more promiscuous than their significant others. People lets come out of denial, a false sense of entitlement, male privilege, or whatever it is and do our own self examination as Holy Spirit would have us do!

          • gotsomevalidquestions4u

            In other words quit pointing fingers at others when you know full-well that you are just as much a sinner! This is why we all- male and female or female and male are in desperate need of Jesus and His awesome Grace, Mercy, and Forgiveness. His Grace is so much greater than all of our sin!

      • Jeraldelmcclane

        Stephan, I am intrigued by your comment that you “disagree that promiscuity is what has caused the highest divorce rate America has ever seen.’ There is a current trend not only in the U.S., but also in the UK called “the marriage strike.”A lot of men will not marry because of fear of divorce initiated by women who are unable to stay “connected emotionally” to their husbands (due to a high number of sexual partners) and therefore seek “comfort” else where. 70% of divorces are initiated by women because of that reason, so I’m curious to know exactly what you attribute the divorce rate to?

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          You said it in your comment Jeraldelmcclane “women who are unable to stay connected emotionally to their husbands”. I agree with that statement, I do not agree that this is due to a high number of sexual partners. The reality is that many people marry for the wrong reasons. Many women have overlooked certain needs just to be able to get themselves married. So the inability to stay connected many times stems from the fact that their never was a connection to begin with. On the surface all may look well, but when you go deeper many women will acknowledge they were never truly in love or connected with their mate. He simply presented a good enough “resume” for her to push forward. Even in cases where there was once a connection, it is in my opinion that the inability to stay connected comes from a lack of effective communication. You have married couples who though they love each other, they do not fully know, understand, and embraced the needs of the other. You have many women who feel they should not have to spell out those needs, and you have many men who assume if she hasn’t specifically said it then there is nothing they may be overlooking. I can go on for days about this. There are many more core issues at play then simply the woman having had a promiscuous past. Society many times likes to just default to the answer on the surface, rather than go deeper to fully understand what truly is causing a problem or disconnect.  

          • Jeraldelmcclane

            I will respect your point of view, however, as a blogger of a highly controversal and relevant subject you should try to put yourself at our vantage point as well: in a time where men’s rights are routinely violated by the judicial and family court system, A LOT (not all) divorces are initiated by women who have had affairs outside of the marriage. Men stand to lose their homes, assets and children even when they were the ones who honored their vows, “to have and to hold, for better or worse. For rich or for poor.”

            But you know what, screw it. Life is short. I’ve been involved with both chaste and promiscuous women. I’ve broken hearts and have been burned myself. I’m not bitter, I’m BETTER and in retrospect, I can say this: as a man, it is impossible for me to love a woman more than I trust her. But hey, it is what it is. Take care.

            – J.El

          • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

            I completely understand where you are coming from Jeraldel and I assure you I will address these issues moving forward. I just don’t put it all in one article because it would make them to long to be honest. So I just focused on the specific concern of the number of men a woman has slept for this. I in no way dismiss the very true and valid points you have made. I just want men to explore a different perspective on this issue. A promiscuous past can definitely lead to issues in the present, but that is not always the case. Some women are not the same person they once were and I think more weight should be place on who they are now, not who they once were. I think many married couples lack a connection. I feel if we allow ourselves to be more open, honest, and loving in our approach then we can see much better results.

          • lala

            I completely disagree with your statement that most women divorce because they have affairs. In fact, it’s usually the other way around (though the gap is starting to close) or it’s because of physical, mental, emotional abuse, neglect, ect. And I’m not certain what state your from but getting divorced is not easy. It’s expensive, time consuming, heart wrenching and horrible for children and most normal people actually don’t want to put themselves nor their families through it if they can help it. Don’t be fooled by the celebrity divorces which seem quick and fast. It’s not. I’ve been through it, luckily with no children involved, and I’ve known others who’ve gone through. Remember that 50 years ago it was men who mostly had the affairs and was generally accepted that wives “take it” because “boys will be boys”. And because women economically couldn’t take care of themselves and would have been shunned by their communities, women were forced to stay in their marriage. Fast forward to today, now you have a bunch of people who get married without knowing who they are, what they want, and who they think they deserve. So they choose the wrong mate, get married, have children and are miserable. Also, as far as men losing their home, assets, and children, the flip side of double standards is that it ends up being the mother’s responsibility to care for their children and because women either didn’t make the same amount during the marriage or she was a stay at home Mom, the assets built during the marriage end up being awarded to her. Doesn’t make it right, but remember, that’s the flip side of a double standard.

            The problem that it really boils down to is that we women experience just as many urges, hardships, emotions, and whatever else that a man does yet for whatever reason we have to live by this stupid separate code. I am just as human as the next person and want to be treated as such. I have just as much right to sleep with however many men I chose, even if it’s none. Men, if you think a woman sleeping with 10. 20, 30 or more men is wrong then I hope you take that same logic and school your boy on that too because every time she opens her legs to someone there is always a man willing to climb between them, and that makes him just as “ho -ish” following your logic. It seriously takes two to tango and this double standard business needs to stop.

          • Joseph Mentor Nichols

            He’s not stating that women are divorcing because they cheat. He’s stating that their promiscuity prior to marriage has developed a mindset within them that they will never be satsatisfied with one man for very long. Thus conconcluding in divorce. At least that is how I understand it and I agree.

          • Joseph Mentor Nichols

            Also women (and some men) get bored quickly these days. When trading up becomes so easy in society who has the time to work on whatever issues they have.

    • Kamalabsolom

      THANNKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUUU

    • Altamera74

      Exactly right!!!

    • Patricia Anne

      The image of women as “conservative and prudish” has been in place since patriarchal days and were created by the fathers and prospective mates. Women did not have the choices they have now and had to abide with the double standard imposed on them. These views are unrealistiic. Only a smail percentage of high school sweethearts get married and stay married. Most often it takes more than two relationships to find your life partner. Saying that a woman should have a low number of partners is out of sync with reality. We don’t know how many partners a woman should have. Not all relationships were meant to last. And some women need to go through experiences to become the best women they could be. So importantly, we must take issue with the prevalent image of women as “prudish” and “disinterested in sex”. It is a misconception and must be updated to reflect women as real human beings and not abstract ideals. And women can go a long way in updating the image of women in society. Stop bashing each other, and tearing each other down. Being old-fashioned is not an excuse. We can do better.

      • altamera74

        Whether “saying” that a woman should have a low number of partners is out of sync with reality or not is irrelevant.

        Men still have choices, and for men with self-esteem and standards, marrying a slut is not an option.

        There are MANY self-respecting women with discipline and restraint who love sex, but have a low number of partners.

        Nobody is talking about women who are “prudish” or “disinterested” in sex.  Strawmen.  Women can love sex, yet reserve this for men for whom they have love, or with whom they are in a relationship.

        If being “old-fashioned” for a woman means not being a slut, then old-fashioned will always be in style when men look for a mate to settle down with.

        • lala

          You assume that not being old fashioned means being a slut. Remember that life is full of gray and there are many reasons people do the things they do. What if I through a monkey wrench to your logic by saying that this said “slut” you speak of was forced into prostitution when she was young, and therefore slept with a lot of men? Now does that change your perspective?

          You also assume that these women who love sex you reserve it for the men they love actually have love prospects. Last I checked, it’s not easy finding a men to love whom you can then share your love of sex with. What do women do “in the meantime”? Men get to play while we sit at home waiting for our “love”? I don’t think so. And don’t assume that the men who play aren’t still looking for a relationship but last time I checked, the feel of a women is a helluva lot different than a hand job at midnight and will therefore satisfy that itch while they find “the one”. Women have those same urges as well.

          • altamera74

            No, I don’t. That’s why I put “old-fashioned” in parentheses, and said “If being “old-fashioned” for a woman means not being a slut, then old-fashioned will always be in style when men look for a mate to settle down with.”

            So clearly I’m not assuming old-fashioned = not a slut.

            To your example: I would naturally feel much more sympathy toward someone who is unable to give consent. Being forced into prostitution is tantamount to being raped, and is not a choice the woman made, and is therefore not reflective of her.

            Our choices matter.

            Sure, love is tough. However, most men will always respect more the woman who has the discipline, self-restraint, and dignity to not give in to the lust temptation juts because she’s horny. The former is a wife prospect. The latter is a short-term prospect.

            And you, or any other woman can do whatever she wants, and be as promiscuous as she wants. However, with choices come consequences, and in this situation, the consequence is that, in general, men won’t take you as seriously as a long-term partner prospect.

            Welcome to reality.

          • gotsomevalidquestions4u

            I’m just curious……what is your take on any of your male gender having premarital sex? Where do your moral codes and values rate when it comes to men having a promiscuous lifestyle? And, remember, Neighbor, even one sex act outside of or before marriage is considered “promiscuous” and, definitely sinful for males or females in His eyes.

          • gotsomevaludquestions4u

            In God’s eyes, is what I meant.

        • gotsomevalidquest4u

          And marrying a male whore would not be my choice either! Take that “Woman, Do as I say and not as I do” double standard mindset and flush it down the toilet! Neighbor, as long as you carry that deeply engrained mindset you will have nothing but uphill battles in all of your personal romantic relationships.

      • Brandon

        I agree with you. Men should realize that a low number of partners
        is out of sync with reality(and they are becoming increasingly aware
        of this fact).But also realize that a “marriage strike” is on and is going to get bigger.

    • lala

      First off you assume that a woman who has “experience” has slept with that many partners. Most people have not and this applies to both men and women. If they have, you don’t know the type of past this woman has had such as entering prostitution when she was young for various reasons, seeking validation from men through sex at a young age (especially if she’s been sexually abused or has father issues) or because she has no problem with satisfying her sexual needs which we do have. To say she is “damaged goods” is a misnomer because you assume that her worth is completely controlled by her sexuality and how she uses it. We women are more than what is between our legs. Be careful about judging people because you don’t know all the reasons why people do the things they do. Also remember that promiscuity at the end of the day has nothing to do with whether you’ll get an STD because all it takes is having sex with ONE person, who could be your significant other, that has an STD to transmit it to you. And them giving it to you doesn’t have to mean they were cheating. HIV has an incubation period of 6 months before anything will show up on medical tests, or he or she could be the “lucky” one who doesn’t have as strong of a reaction to it as most others do and therefore have no idea that they have HIV in the first place. Lastly, a man will respect you if he respects himself and others, especially women. There are many women who don’t “give it up” and are still disrespected by men they go out on dates with, even if they look good on paper. Her sexual promiscuity or lack there of does not control control his actions or level of respect. He controls himself.

  • Tee Lay

    So …..does it have something to do with how many men u have slept with????Still not got the point of it

    • StephanLabossiere

      It is about not judging a woman based on her past number of partners. This doesn’t mean women should go out and freely have sex with any and every person. It just means that when a man meets a woman he has great interest in, he shouldn’t walk away from that simply because she had high numbers in her past. View her for who she is today, not the person she may have been previously.

  • Jayreelz91

    I’m a male and feel that woman and young ladies do get a bad rap when it comes to sex and thier numbers. I personally look at more who you sleep with not how many. Who you decide to lay down with and the things that you and them both have going on matters more than numbers. Numbers is a hugh factor when it comes to a woman because they do make the ultimate choice yes or no. Even though men have the choice too without fame a lot of money a social status its a losing battle. All in all I think monogamy is a cruel joke. Animals in nature **** and get the hell on and have never had a problem I don’t know why humans try to put themselves so high on the food chain of nature. Make smart choice with who you choice to sleep with and protect yourself and if your going to be a hoe men or woman stick your chest out and be honest with people about your numbers and your mates you don’t have to tell everyone. But if your going to get seriously involved physical and emotionally with someone come clean. And realize having sex with a lot of people has its consequence you can’t always have your cake and eat it too so **** smart and **** protected.

  • Fabiola0213

    I totally agree! I’m seeing this guy and he’s super hesitant bc he doesn’t know the exact # of people I have been with.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joseph-Mentor-Nichols/512545338 Joseph Mentor Nichols

    There is no double standard at all.  Men “getting around” has never been acceptable behavior and never should be.  I will dismiss any woman who I know has “been around the block”.  It just isn’t right.  Sex is something that should be valued.  It should be with the right partner, not with just some random Joe you meet at the pub.

    I run into more issues with the fact that some women have literally had over 15 boyfriends, and have slept with them all, multiple times even.  Most of these women are 21-27 years old.  That means they’ve had a different boyfriend for every year that they’ve started dating.  That’s insane.  I don’t want a girl that has it in her head that “16th time is a charm”.  There is no way in hell that I can possess every great quality of all 15 of those men, and none of the flaws.  Which let’s face it, is what she is looking for and why she’ll never be truly happen in life.

    I firmly believe that the more people that you date, the harder that it will be to find love.  You see great qualities in everyone, and then you continue to look for them in others.  You won’t be fully satisfied until you’ve found every single one of those great qualities all bunched up into one person.  Which is impossible.  A dream.  You’ve literally dated so much that your idea of a great person is flawed.

    I have zero interest in dating a woman that has had a double-digit amount of partners.  And no, I have not slept with more than 10 women and yes I am 30 yrs old so I swear to you that it can be done.

    Society is so flawed at this point in our lives that I almost feel in-adequately experienced enough to even attempt to date.  I am the type that wants to get to know a women before I date her.  And I prefer to date her for a while before I sleep with her.  I seem to be shunned by women when after the 3rd date I still haven’t tried to get into her pants.  I mean, come on, there’s more to life than sex, right?

  • http://twitter.com/clubnavee Theo Navigator Moore

    This is HILARIOUS from the perspective where people are making “Judgment” and the act of judging out to be a bad thing!!! Where is this done? Everyone has the right to judge and they WILL until the end of time as we know it and there is not damn thing wrong with it!!! So let’s be perfect in a less than perfect world and provide a few undeniable examples: Your RENT is due and it is $800 and you only have $620…Do you have the right or wrong amount??? EXACTLY and guess what: YOU ARE BEING JUDGED for having the wrong amount! Judgment rules every single day in every aspect of life. Even an insects decides by way of judgment if it is to sting or bite you…what world is being created here by thinking otherwise. It’s cute (from the human perspective) and very fairytale like to add such insertions that we should not judge, but that is very delusional and REALITY makes a great point of it every single day!  

    …Hm why is it that a woman can have sex with 50 men and have all of them ejaculate in her and expect possibly only 1 life in the world in a year AND NOT KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS! Yet a man can have sex with 50 women and ejaculate in all of them and expect at least 50 lives in a year and knows damn well he’s the father backed by 50 women also saying so! Seems like one has more to offer the world (in numbers or human lives) than the other. HE can build the world and populate it far quicker than SHE can. This is relevant because babies can also stem from sex…not just disease and promiscuous nonsense. NO! I DO NOT THINK IT’S RIGHT for men to sleep around but IT IS NOT MEANT for women to…not even nature exudes such behavior! It’s more like rape in nature than sex but the female does not sleep around…study this if you must know…and God says so too!

    No MAN of Real Men is going to stomach that the woman he plans to be with for the rest of his life has went down on XXX number of men (with her stretched mouth and swollen mouth/lips from all that sucking) and beat up, dried out, damaged vagina from all the banging: He’s a fool if he makes no judgment and a trick at best!!! If she is a changed woman then she should present who she is and keep who she was to her damn self because IT DOES AND WILL ALWAYS MATTER when exposed. There are enough people in the world for those to attain who they desire as they judge and choose…and more than anything it is the person’s actions that will speak louder so there will be no room to judge for anything past or present!

    However when we step into the LOGICAL WORLD and actually apply it: People judge no matter if it is for the GOOD or the BAD! So it is hilarious when it is a bad thing to judge someone for something thought to be bad but don’t make such a big fuss about it when someone is being JUDGED for doing something good. o___O #dead Now those are some REAL double standards.com!

    • StephanLabossiere

      I completely understand your position on having a right to judge. You are correct in that position, but what I am saying in this article is to not make final judgement based more on their past instead of the person they are today. The reason why I view the actual number irrelevant is due to this example: Lets say you meet a woman and she is amazing. Everything you could ask for and more. You two date and now are boyfriend and girlfriend for several months. Lets say the conversation never came up about # of sex partners. So this woman never lied about anything. Finally one day it comes out, and the number is higher than you thought or like. Please tell me what has changed at that point. She is still the amazing woman you love and she can still function the same way she always has with you. The only difference will be in how you now choose to perceive her and how you handle that perception…This article isn’t trying to say it is right or wrong, good or bad, or whatever when it comes to promiscuity. The only position here is don’t let the past stop you from receiving and embracing your blessings. We all make mistakes, but many of us do learn from them and move in a better direction. So I am simply saying view them for who they are now, not who they once were. 

  • Justina

    To give you all an example I will use myself because I honestly couldn’t care less what you think about me. I’ve been through a lot growing up such as rape, molestation, and being beat on (molestation and rape are 2 different things). I thought that sex was the only thing guys wanted from me and without that they would just leave or get it somewhere else. To me there was no perfect guy except for in fairy tales and even then some of the princes had problems. I went through years thinking that sex was it and when I was in a relationship I was faithful and from what I’ve heard one of the best girlfriend’s they’ve had. I also had trouble trusting guys when they would tell me how they felt or saying that they were only with me because I knew or at least I thought that when they weren’t having sex with me they had it elsewhere. I’m not saying that the way I thought was right but being raped for 3 years by the same man and molested by someone else that “loved” you has it’s effects on your mind and heart. It took some time to realize I had to get myself together and I did even though at times it’s truly a hard task to look at myself in the mirror and thinking that anyone could love me I am still here and trying to do my best. So before any of you judge anyone think about what they may have gone through or still going through.

    • StephanLabossiere

      Thank you for sharing that Justina I really appreciate your willingness to do that. I am sorry to hear that you experienced such things, but keep moving in the right direction as you are. The people that hurt you had there own issues that they never resolved, so their actions were not a reflection on you or your worth as a person. You better believe you can be loved and your are loved : ). I know you will receive the blessings you deserve, just hold on to faith and take the time to forgive the people in your past. 

      • Justina

        No problem and trust me I will. I just figured that if some of these ignorant people want to judge people they don’t know I’d give them a short and specific story.

        • Justina

          Even though maybe I shouldn’t call them ignorant since I don’t know them but in my opinion everyone is ignorant in some type of way. I’m done now :)

          • StephanLabossiere

            I like how you caught yourself on that : ). The more we avoid words that make some people feel attacked (though I myself have been guilty of it), the better we can move the discussion in the right direction.

          • Justina

            :) Yes, I had to correct it. 

  • Ryangillespie96

    spoken likea girl who has slept with a lot men

    • StephanLabossiere

      the article was written by a man, which happens to be me. open your mind to what the article is trying to say and you may start to look at things differently. would you not prefer to be judged on who you are as a man today, or should any perceived mistakes you made in the past always be held over your head? It is as simple as that.

  • Victoria_hopkins

    I totally agree with the double standards. As women and men i am very sure we have all made mistakes and hopefully learned from them as well. Being so judgmental can cause anyone to miss on on great things. I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for my past i would not have learned anything. Your past is a big learning experience. It shows you what not to do ever again.I am a very open minded person. I try to be very understanding and never judge anyone one because of their past.

    • blanksie_11

      Of course you agree. I would expect any woman to agree.

  • Edmound Davis

    This post hit the nail on the head!!!!!!! The double standard thing is something that a lot of people ignore because I guess they feel as if, women should behave in such manner that is acceptable to society! But what about men? Why can a man act one way, and be a male whore, but as soon as a women states anything in reference to men and sex, she is a whore? Why can’t we they have their cake and eat it too? Men are sure as hell trying to do it now! With that being said, this was really good! N women should respect themselves, and men should as well!

  • DeirdreD

    “All in all I just don’t feel we should be looking at the amount of men
    she has slept with in the past as evidence for if she is someone to be
    with.”

    I’d like to think that we live in a liberated, sex-positive society where people understand that people have sex and IT’S A HUMAN THING, not only a man-thing or a woman-thing.  I’d like to think that it’s not all a hush-hush, giggle-giggle, shameful thing and that being adult means we can handle the reality that people – mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, men and women have sex.  But that’s not reality. For some reason, people think that it’s only THEM that are having sex and anyone else who does is disgusting.
     
    I don’t feel, I KNOW that there is a double standard at play.  Religions throughout the world encourage multiplying….and they’re not talking about the female having many children.  Some religions cut off women’s sensitive parts so that she will NOT experience pleasure.  It’s just not allowed.  If she is raped, she is at fault and will be executed – period.

    However, for men…they are target-marketed like pigs in a pen.  Their sexuality is not only welcomed, it is encouraged and exploited by media as well as sex-worker and sex-entertainment industries.  Men are ENCOURAGED to enjoy themselves sexually. While media still shames yet sells women.  It’s profitable and acceptable.  It encourages an atmosphere of male entitlement.  And generally, it’s women that are exploited yet praised, used and then ridiculed for being sensual, sexual, whole human beings – not the men. Virility still rules.  Macho-ism still exists.  It doesn’t make good sense. 

    There’s a dirty shaming name for women who’ve had volumes of sex but only recently has there been a label for men that also have many sexual experiences with many partners.

    All of these judgmental gender-based views and name-calling is the height of examples of  sexism. 

    Unfortunately – partners that get stuck on who’s done more dirty deeds than the other often have deeper insecurity issues than this topic could cover and the insecurities are fueled by the world around them.  It’s an individual thing as to how they perceive themselves. It would be a lot easier to have a healthy attitude about others’ sex lives if we can accept our own without pressure to ‘be’ a certain way by the world around us.

    So, until an individual gets over their own insecurities – they won’t be able to accept others for who they are and where they’ve been.  Lots of heartache there.  Peace.

  • Ms Wheeler07

    The way i look at this, is it shouldnt matter how many partners she has. Because in each of our lives (male and female) we have had that hoeing moment. Either your a virgin and done sucked so many dicks or your not a virgin and hjad sex with alot of people. It is what it is, but the most important part is your STD FREE!!!!! That should only matter!

  • Kamalabsolom

    your such a b.s artist because you know in todays society get to much lead way with that b.s. idc if im broke or rich or how your feel in a bed room or how i look its my intellect that should make u be willing to be with me or my compassion or my intentive attitude towards you when a women has a mutiple relations with different men she has a lot of comparision to the man she is involved with and then women wonder why the are single mothers? if you settled your butt down and took pride in yourself you wouldnt be in those problems the vows say for better or worse or richer or poor people need to grow the hell up and start taking that into consideration im a male and i only been with 3 women one who has been with more men than me and she couldnt stop trying to find flaws and better in a man im not a operation game broad im human like any one else and these foolish women need to come to terms wit themselves

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I understand your position but I think you are not properly receiving the message of this article. This isn’t about telling women it is good or ok to have a lot of sex partners. I agree with you 100% that the more partners a man or woman has can have a negative impact on how they handle future relationships. There can be comparison issues, less patience due to what they have experienced previously, and a bunch of other stuff I will address in a future post. I think it would be best for everybody to wait or minimize how many people they have sex with, but that does not change the fact that we should not judge a woman based on her past. If she isn’t what you need her to be currently, then of course keep it moving. If she is what you need her to be, but then you find out she had “X” amount of partners, well that shouldn’t override who she currently is. That is all the article is trying to say. Who we once were, is not always who we are now. So don’t judge her based on a number, evaluate her based on the woman she is today.

  • carameljawn

    I think the double standard is wrong, but the answer for me is to use the same standard for men as we currently use for women. Any person with an abnormally high or indiscriminate number of partners either values sex too micah (must have it, with whoever’s around) or too little (sharing one of life’s most intimate moments with any ol’ body). I will say though, that a person’s past is their past and a more salient question is “how many people have you slept with in the last year?” or “what is your attitude to sex right now?”

    • blanksie_11

      There is no double standard. The average women doesn’t care. But the average man, when he’s serious about a woman, does care. But if that matters to you then that’s your preference. Men like to know what they’re investing in is rare.

  • Lovyue

    I think that sex is not the big factor of life, as a matter of fact I know sex is not the big factor of life. It has been made apart of this life, but not apart of eternal life..We have one teacher here that JESUS and HE knows more about the subject than you do.In The Book of Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers GOD will judge.
    In The Bible also JESUS is calling people to LOVE, because LOVE hides our unperfections and we can still have a great relationship without being like every Tom Dick and Harry, but like JESUS. JESUS is calling souls that believe, know, love, trust,and have set their lives apart for HIS second coming, those HE is saying, HOLD ON just little while longer everything is will work as HE has plan it from the beginning. HOLD ON TO THE SPIRIT OF JESUS CHRIST.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I respect everything you just said. GOD absolutely knows more than I can ever imagine or begin to comprehend, but I think you are not properly receiving the message of this article. We are called to Love, but how can we do that if we allow ourselves to judge and demonize others for their past decisions. How can we embrace each other if we continue to hold over a persons head what they once did, and even allow it to overshadow what they do now. That is what this article is really about. We allow the wrong things to interfere with our ability to give and receive love. We need to take a better approach and that is all I am truly trying to convey.    

  • Fish

    No dice. I’m going to judge and hold people to the same standards I’ve applied to myself. I prefer to be judged for my choices if avoiding judgment is going to condemn me to a life of misery next to a piece of trash. People rarely change. And even if they do, I’m not going to be there to find out.

    It’s “choices”, not “mistakes”. People are unable to act outside their own nature. A pedophile can’t make a “mistake”. He is attracted to children by nature. Same goes for sluts.

  • Smiley

    What’s the point of man or woman sleeping with so many partners??? That’s gross!!! If you sleep around it shows your unstable and don’t take relationships serious. Every partner you have in your lifetime affects you whether is positive or negative so if a person man or woman goes through so many People… They’re going to have a lot “baggage”

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      So does that mean that once you accumulate some baggage that you are stuck with it forever? That there is no way to properly address things and move past what you “used” to do? I can understand your disagreement with people sleeping around. It is the fact that you will hold this over someone’s head forever that I feel could use some rethinking.   

  • Busta McThunderstick

     If the number really didn’t matter, couples could ask about it and
    discuss it. It’s only because it does matter to us that we may not want
    to ask. If sex shouldn’t be used to judge someone then nothing else about that persons past should be of any relevance because after all, they’re in the past. So what is it about the number of sexual partners that makes it so especially unimportant? Those refusing to acknowledge a persons sexual past are really the ones insecure about it, not those who ask. Furthermore, I think that guys that don’t care about their partner’s
    pasts at all, don’t have intense feelings for her. When you really love
    someone, you want to not only know about who they are, but who they
    were. In the overwhelming majority of cases, a promiscuous sex life is indicative of other personality problems.

    How many men a female has slept matters because:
    1)Sexually Transmitted Diseases (Sex with lots of people increase the chance that you have them)
    2) Values toward intimacy (If sex is sacred to you and not her sex is definitely less special if you do it with lots of people all the time. You are not sexually compatible)
    3) Psychological and Emotional problems (Most of the time promiscuous people are wildly insecure about themselves and or bad judges of character)
    4) Past baggage (Kids, men, pictures, etc ex lovers who know her, pics or video of ex partners doing unspeakable things to your significant other, stories and reputation)
    5) Problems leading long-term relationships

    I have yet to meet a woman that has had more than 50 sex partners and was in a solid, healthy, balanced, loving relationship. Promiscuous people usually are incapable of having long-term
    relationships because they are so used to casual sex that they’ve
    forgotten how to be committed. As soon as the relationship gets rocky,
    they resort back to their network of past sex partners, or start going
    on the lookout for new sex partners, because they don’t value physical
    intimacy enough. Which, coincidentally are reasons #2 and 3 why dating someone with a turbulent sexual past often spells trouble.

    Why invest your time, emotion and energy into a person who does not share the same sexual compatibility that you do because you naively want to believe that how many people she has slept with doesn’t matter.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I understand some of your arguements. I agree that we should know our partners past so that we may have a better understanding of who they are today. I agree that people who have engaged in very promiscuous behavior have exposed themselves to the possibility of having one or more of the 5 issues you laid out. I completely understand your position but he is where our views differ. You threw out the number 50, but in this topic a high number is relative. To you over 30 might be danger, to the next more than 7 might be too much. Hell to some if you aren’t a virgin you are a whore. So it can get tricky in that regard. Also in your other comment you gave the example of the rapist and that is a great way to make your point, but lets flip this. What if a person did poorly in the 9th grade, hell they flat out failed. Later they got their act together, graduated high school, and got their masters degree. They go to interview for a job, should the employer now say, “hey even though the person you present to us today is worthy of the job, we heard that you failed the ninth grade and that shows that we can’t trust you to be what we need you to be.” That example uses the same principle you are trying to stand on. That they must pay the price of their previous mistake (choice) and who they once were is how I will judge them today. See I do not expect for anybody to be with someone that does not share some of the same core values that they have. All I am saying is that core values and principles change. If you two “currently” do not agree on those things, by all means walk away. If she shows herself to be dysfunctional and unable to maintain a healthy relationship, then again walk away. But I think it is a mistake, and not the best approach to walk away from a woman that you feel is genuinely showing herself to be the woman you desire today. Also as I stated, women know that regardless of this article most men will judge them. Which is why so many will lie about there number. I don’t think they should, but they will and that man will never know. So if he is in a relationship that he feels is the best he ever had, and everything is great, but then she reveals the number. What did that really change? Only how he chooses to receive that number will things now change. She obviously had not displayed any of the 5 issues you laid out (at least she hasn’t shown it one bit). He is happy, so should the number hold that much power and the relationship end? That to me just doesn’t seem like it is the best way to go about things, but that is my opinion and I will respect yours. 

      • meandmyself

        Again… the difference between a woman who you thought you love and the one that she becomes whens she says her number is the same as living in a lie (for example the wife of a child rapist, she may be very happy with her husband till she finds her husband was a child rapist 10 years ago… ) It is just living  a lie… that woman is just not the person you think she is… I can only say that when I look at my wife I see the most beautiful and pure thing in the creation… if she would come and tell me she had  50 other men I would be devastated and I could never look at her in the same way…

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          How you choose to look at her is an issue within yourself. Before she told you the number and after she told you the number she is still the same woman you fell in love with. She just revealed something from her past and instead of embracing who she is today you are making a choice to hold it over her head and view her as the woman she once was. I am one who believes people can evolve and they can change. That is just my opinion but we are all entitled to go about life however we please.

          • meandmyself

            Hello Stephan, thank you for answering me. The fact is that how I have decided to look at my wife is not an issue within myself… I look at her in the way she has represented herself to me… if she has misrepresented and has been sleeping around she just built a lie around her and I have looking to a fake picture of the reality…

    • blanksie_11

      Excellent point. If it didn’t matter, women wouldn’t get offended when you ask. No one would want their daughter or niece to sleep around.

  • Busta McThunderstick

     

    The naivete surrounding this “progressive”notion about the
    irrelevance of your girlfriend/wife’s number of sexual partners is
    embarrassing. It matters. The fact that there is a message board
    (multiple boards, articles studies etc) evince its importance.
    Gender is not a social conscript everyone. Because men’s focus on a
    women’s promiscuity does not fit nicely into the fabricated utopia we
    hide ourselves in does not preclude that: it is a make or break answer.
    And, yes, you should know. Stop with the STD guise – it is about an
    unwillingness to invest in a cheap female advertised with non-existent
    amenities; whether it was in the far past or recent past. Choices are
    made and consequences stem from them.
    Past is in the past? Think about if we applied such a infantile
    standard to society’s other ills; “Honey, yes, I raped a couple of
    kids…but things were crazy for me four years ago.” We would also need to
    toss out the American System of justice including the very notion of
    justice itself. There are an abundance of other important
    considerations including self-worth, that daddy used to go on long
    business trips while Jerry came over and played house with mommy, a
    nasty divorce, drug use stemming from the perils of a upper middle class
    upbringing etc.
    Bottom line though? You never pay Benz prices for a 1984 Datson, and
    you certainly would be a fool to expect that it wouldn’t have
    maintenance issues. Live up those spring break days if you must, but
    understand that men care…and crafty ones will attempt to figure out
    early whether you are worth an investment (remember the biological urge
    to pass on genes in males). If you are that Datson? I might ride in it a
    while, recklessly, and if I crash? There surely will be another at the
    same discounted price.

    • lala

      Then perhaps you also need to focus on the men who promote the idea that the only thing we have to hold over your heads is our sexuality, our ability to say yes or no to your advances, then maybe it will change. But until men realize that the more you all make advances towards us irregardless of what we declare we want, the more you promote promiscuity among your male circles, the more you all support the media that supports the sexual exploitation and objectification of women, then the more you’ll see women sleeping with a bunch of different men. And I ask you, why ride the Datson if you’re looking for the Benz? Sounds like a double standard to me. Don’t hold a value for the women you’re looking for that you don’t practice yourself.

    • gotsomevalidquestions4u

      Then, my sweet little friend, I would suggest you do a thorough SELF-examination. Then apply your own advice to your own life.

  • ATLreader

    Stephan,

     

    I disagree with you. It does matter “how many” men, a woman
    has slept with.

    It has to do with judgment.

    First, ever since our common ancestors walked out of West
    Africa, over 60,000 years ago and migrate to all parts of our planet, women had
    to be selective in whom they chose for a mate. Why? Pregnancy. She had to
    choose the best possible man, or to be exact, provider. Modern times, have
    eliminated the need to “be selective” by being careful in terms of sex, due to
    contraception. Still, a pregnancy or disease can and does occur.

     

    Secondly, men want to marry women who have not slept with a
    great number of men for the same reason. They want a woman who has “chosen”
    them based on the fact she considers him to be the “worthy” one if you will.
    Men still are conscious of disease and do not want a woman who has been
    pregnant with other males children, if given the choice.

     

    Third, women have the power of their womb. They should
    respect and honor themselves. Men should do the same, but with women it is even
    more imperative because, if given a choice, men will choose the more “virtuous”
    women.

    Fourth, I work globally. It is amazing to see how in other
    cultures, from Africa, to the Middle East, to Southwest Asia, how men and women
    interact. Many people and the media would have people believe that women are so
    oppressed and that some of their traditions are backwards. I have actually come
    to see just how much power in these relationships and families that women do
    have and wield. The West is the last, “civilized” group that needs to comment
    on how people should behave with their bodies. Obviously, the sexual freedom we
    enjoy has lead to a downward spiral in the family, out of control divorce
    rates, confused male and female roles, teen pregnancy and unwed mother figures
    skyrocketing, deadbeat fathers, and in general a breakdown in our moral and
    social fabric as a nation.

     

    Fifth – So, I conclude that it IS relevant about women
    choosing to be selective in whom they sleep with. It would best be done in the
    confines of marriages, or at least committed, loving relationships at the
    least. I am not against a woman having sex, I just think that it should be
    thought out and weighed heavily with her morals and standards. That she should
    think of the consequences of her actions. About how each time she sleeps
    around, her value diminishes – in terms of her being less chaste, which is less
    attractive to a potential suitor. Ask any man if he wants to marry a woman who
    has slept with 4 guys or 20? The man is going to think that the woman might not
    have the ability to make the best choices for herself…impulse control
    issues…she is not responsible, etc. These are the things that are going to be
    going through a thinking man’s head, the kind that most women want to marry.
    Women want a guy who wants a woman to love and respect herself – to value a
    woman who values herself.  And any woman
    would want a man who thinks this way, otherwise, she is going to just end with
    a man after sex, and not valuing her as the woman she is inside.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I do not disagree with a lot you just said. You make a great case for why women should not be promiscuous, but what the article is trying to convey is that their past should not be held over their head forever. Who she once was is not always who she is now. If a woman comes to you and displays all the attributes you look for in a woman. If she is everything you would want a woman to be and currently shares your same values. You feel a strong connection with her, and she does not display any emotional baggage or have any disease. Will you feel it is worth walking away from this amazing woman because a couple of years ago she was once promiscuous. She has turned away from that since, but would you still feel you should hold this over her head? Everyone has a right to their opinion and position. I understand the views of all who have chimed in on this topic. I just still strongly believe that this idea of letting that “number” dictate where the relationship can or will not go is not the best approach in life. Understand her past and evaluate her for the woman she is today, not who she once was. 

  • blanksie_11

    You know, I wish people would stop throwing the word “perfect” around. That’s such a cop-out. A person being compatible with you and someone being “perfect” are two different things. One would have to define “perfect” first. Humans have emotions. At times, those emotions cause us to make poor decisions. But to think you can’t find anyone compatible with you is B-S. People use the word “perfect” as an excuse to not have to live up to any expectations. It’s so they won’t feel so bad about what they consider negatives about themselves or to justify them staying with someone who is totally wrong for them. Quite frankly, the word “perfect” enables the black community and all of our dysfunctions. One should not strive to be “perfect”. We should strive to be righteous. But you never hear people say “Well, nobody’s righteous..”, do you. Just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

    My parents argued constantly when I was a child and still do to this day. I even recall my mother saying on several occasions how she would have probably married another man. Yet she always tells me I expect the women I date to be perfect. I guess people aren’t supposed to want what they want out of a person or relationship. Just settle because the other person isn’t “perfect”. That’s a load of crap! People have every right to want what they want in a mate,..within reason.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Blanksie_11 you make excellent points and I do not disagree with you. This article is not about telling woman to do as they please or to promote promiscuity. It is to say that not all women who have once walked that path are still the same person today. So in applying it to what you just said. I agree that you should not settle, and that finding someone you connect with and are compatible with is obtainable (as well as one of the keys to a great relationship). So lets say you meet a woman and start to date her. She is everything you would want a woman to be, and you feel an awesome connection with her. Months later she reveals that she many years ago she was promiscuous but since then has walked away from that approach to sex and shares the same values as you right now. Are you telling me that the number of sex partners she then tells you is worth walking away from this woman. To finally find a person you connect with, is it really best for you to move away from that because of a “number”. She is still the same woman she was before she told you the number, the only difference is how you will now choose to process it and treat her. Based on your comment I will assume you believe in GOD. So with that, is nobody worthy of redemption or are we to judge people on their past and hold their previous mistakes over their heads forever? That is all this article is trying to relay. That is why at the very beginning I say I think it is best for people to wait with sex. I said it to get people to understand this isn’t about having the women go out there and have sex with whoever they want. Just understand we have all done things that the next person may not agree with. Evaluate that person for who they show you they are today, and the days ahead. Not for who they once were and no longer are.

      • blanksie_11

        Our pasts, now matter how much we embrace or deny them, makes us who we are. The past is relevant. It shapes us. Not wanting a woman with a dicey past doesn’t make a man some self righteous, hypocritical, judgmental monster. Now, I know you didn’t use any of these words. Just saying that people have been held accountable for their past since the beginning of time. That will not change because of America’s pseudo progressive culture.

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          The past is relevant to understanding who the person was and now is. Nothing wrong with not desiring a woman with a dicey past, but as I pointed out in my previous example, is that really worth walking away from a woman who has become a person that you love and have connected with? A lot of things have been in practice since the beginning of time, that does not mean it is the best or most effective approach. At the end of the day we all have to decide what is most important. I will not look down upon people who do not agree with this, I just genuinely feel that they may not be taking the best approach. 

          • meandmyself

            So Stephan following your argument, if you would find a woman who 5-10 years ago had a gangbang and half of the town where you live had sex with her but now she is a very nice woman and has changed her values, you will embrace her and take her as your partner without having any problem or concern?

  • Iluvherb

    I disagree 100%. 1) difference between studs and hoes. Studs work for every notch in there belt. Women never need to work to get sex. So its not a double standard at all. 2) men and women are wired differently. Sex often results in emotional attachment for a woman. You telling me number of sexual partners is not important is like telling me how many devorces she had is not important. or how many different baby’s daddy she has is not important. If your just hitting it no big deal. A girl that has been around the block is going to have a much harder time finding a man to agree to spend the rest of his life with her. Men have conqiustadorian aditudes about many things including women. In the words of Dr Dre. You can’t turn a ho in to a housewife.

    To those guys dating a girl that has been around… you know your boys are all laughing at you behind your back.

    Skyyjohn gives way better advice.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I think you are not getting the point of this article. You are right about the emotional attachment. You are also right about men having to work harder to get sex. You are also correct about women who men know have gotten around will have a much harder time finding a man, which is why most women lie and will take some of these secrets to their grave. Not saying that is ok and right, just pointing that out. Now despite some of the accurate statements you made, the point is that women or people for that matter are not always the same person they once were. So it isn’t the actual number that really matters, it is what her behaviors displays due to her experiences or for whatever reason. Some women can have a very low number and be as emotionally damages (if not more) then other women with a much higher number. Some women can be a virgin and have all kinds of issues due to other experiences in their life, while a woman may have once been promiscuous, turned away from that and now is in a much better place mentally and emotionally. So again, my opinion is that putting so much weight on the actual number is a mistake. Knowing her past is good in understanding who she was and who she has become, but who she is today should hold the most weight in determining if she is the best person for you.

      • Raptor_red77

         I agree. It’s not the most important factor.

    • Raptor_red77

      He sais it in a pretty comical way too! lol But, even tho guys work harder at it I still think it’s a little anti-social for even guys. But it’s so true guys have to work harder.

  • Raptor_red77

    My opinion on how many people is too many: Since people
    sleep with more people towards the beginning of their dating/sexploration stage
    of life (high school/college) and people seem to not care as much as they get
    older, as to how many people they have had sex with, I say that how old they
    are is the number that would still be acceptable to most. Some people are stricter
    and some are looser on the how-many-is-to-many question. This method only works
    for adults. This is not the ideal number, but the threshold number as to how
    many issues that person will have from having sex with so many people. Okay
    number is half your age. So if your 30 and you had sex with 15 people, I say
    that’s okay. If you are 30 and you had sex with 30 people, it’s hard to accept,
    but not an automatic deal-breaker. If your 30 and you had sex with 45 people,
    you may have some serious issues and I would say that it’s too many. Anything
    over 100 is just obvious, whether you see yourself as having a modern approach
    to sex or you just think sex is okay and doesn’t affect people much. I believe,
    many people feel and learn otherwise. There is a strong feeling of anti-social
    behavior about those numbers.

    That being said I will speak for both sides on ways I
    believe to be productive and positive ways to deal with these issues.

    To people who have had sex with “too many” people: It is
    good to remind your lover that it was in the past and you can’t change it. It
    is NOT okay to act as if it doesn’t count because it was in your past. It did
    happen and now there are consequences: possibly guilt, insecurities form in
    your lover, and if people “on the market” for dating were products, your value
    can be decreased. So you’re in love and want the relationship to work. What can
    you do? Do not lie, but do not get detailed. If you are caught lying it can
    severely damage your relationship and possibly end it; trust is very important.
    Plus you want someone who loves you for who you really are and you will never
    know if your lover truly loves you for who you are if they don’t know. If you
    give detailed information it will stick in their mind for the rest of their
    life. How detailed you can get depends on how much your lover can take. Also,
    if you take responsibility for your actions and see that it hurts your lover
    and you excel in other areas it can balance this out. For example, if your
    lover constantly complains that you “nag” them, try and find ways to fix this
    (if it’s true). If they say they don’t feel secure in the relationship,
    sacrifice some of your freedom (not a ridiculous amount), give them access to
    your mobile device and email, or tell them your whereabouts if their worried.

    To people who are in love with someone that has had sex with
    “too many” people: Remember that there is a good chance your lover feels guilty
    about their past. Really think about this! Let’s say it was you in their spot.
    Maybe you would feel like you have one over on other people because you have
    had sex with so many people, but then you fall in love and you don’t want to
    lose this person, they are exactly what you were looking for and they actually
    love you back! But then you are honest with them and now they aren’t so sure
    about you. You understand, but at the same time, can’t do anything to change
    it. You also realize that if it doesn’t work out, you leave with the same past
    that will always be what it is and now you know it is most likely to be a
    problem for other potential people you fall for, IF you’re lucky and fall for
    someone else. Wouldn’t you feel like you are worthless? Wouldn’t you want
    someone to come along and love you for who you are? To be patient with you and
    understand where you’re coming from, and just give you a chance? Do NOT ever
    throw it in their face. That being said, if they are not willing to work this
    issue out, then you should get out. Get out of the relationship, because you want
    someone who is empathetic to your feelings and how their past affects you.

     Quick history on my
    experience with this subject: I have been single for about a year twice in my
    life. I never went out to get laid. If I trusted someone and it came up, I
    would sleep with them while single. (This was very rare for me. It was 5
    (“one-nighters”) out of the 19 people I’ve had sex with that I didn’t get to
    know them well and knew it wasn’t going to be a relationship. I am 31 years
    old.) My girlfriend who I am seeing right now has had sex with about 65 people
    total. She is 30. We have been together for almost a year now. We are happy.
    Yes, her past is hurtful and hard for us both. The amount of people I’ve had
    sex with isn’t an issue for either of us.
     

  • Noobie

    So, somebody who has raped a person years ago shouldnt have that counted against them because that isnt who they really are now? How about a thief? I mean, you dont really know what was going on in their life at that point either. Okay okay, maybe that is a bit extreme.

    Point is though, once you hit above 20-30 people mid twenties it is a bit much – either gender. Now if a guy has a lot and the girl has a lot too, it is equal ground imho. Though, I have had one hell  of a rough life and never used sex as an outlet. I always thought about meeting that one person and never wanted my sexual activity to come between us.

    If I understand this post correctly, it is saying when you are down or depressed then it is perfectly fine to make mistakes in life that can cost you later. Thing is, a mistake can cost you plenty in life – jobs being one of them. If you couldn’t deal with your problems then, how is somebody else suppose to trust you with that later?

    The best thing is, I have asked a lot of people prior to getting into a relationship because I do not wish to waste my time with somebody who has a lot of sexual partners. Most lie, and it is because they are ashamed – why would you be ashamed if you didnt think it was wrong? You wouldnt be, so I dont think it is as widely accepted as you claim.

    Another point, women/guys who sleep around a lot seem to keep their partners as ‘friends’. Sorry, no thanks. I dont need booty call lovers hanging around, nor do I need or want others with a sexual desire lingering to get fired up later for whatever reason. Sure, they can lie but I have always found the real number later and left them. ‘Oh you left them because of that?!’ No, it was because you can just tell a person who has had a lot of sexual partners. They almost always act differently then those who havent.

    I dont know, it just seems you have left a lot of factors out. Shouldnt matter how many people your future partner slept with? No, it should matter. Self respect and value for yourself, if somebody wanted that lifestyle then why should they get to have somebody who didnt have that lifestyle. Somebody who DIDNT want that, ever. Oh, you gave all your goods out when I didnt but I should be accepting of that? Nah, I would like somebody who had value for themselves like I did.

  • joe

    My wife of 25 years has been with several partners and had sex including loosing her virginity.
    I’m a small endowed male. and she does not like sex and has never had an orgasm. She has been open about her past, but not completely, she’s just gives all the ideal answers you’d expect if someone didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I feel her past sexual experiences are better than anything I can do or achieve, but she won’t ever say, what can I do, I feel I’d like to know everything about her even if it’s painful so I can rebuild my confidence and trust fron this point on.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I think you deserve to know the truth. Because even if it hurts, as you stated it will help you rebuild and move in a better direction. Also many people don’t realize there are tips for men who are not well endowed to still be able to bring a lot of pleasure to their wives. Part of that process takes proper communication. So try again to express your desire to know the truth no matter how tough of a pill it is to swallow. Let her know your goal is to simply be better, and to have peace within yourself about this issue. I believe having that talk will do a lot of good.

  • Unbiased Opinion

    Great article. Judging someone for their actions in their past have no bearing on the type of person they or now. God created us all to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes to become better people. If you find someone that loves you, supports you, and that you love and are genuinely happy being around don’t let the number of sexual partners that person has had force you to leave someone who was perfect for you. In the end your selling yourself short.

  • Jerald.el.mcclane

    I won’t judge a woman based on her sexual history but I’m keeping it real 100%, it’s going to make it VERY hard for me to trust you. However, there are exceptions to every rule.

  • http://twitter.com/kikilarrieux Kendra LaRue

    Thank goodness the world is full of people with different view points, and a moderate amount of people who are willing to scratch below the surface. This is definitely a hot topic. I love people who stand their ground and see things in black and white, right and wrong–life is easiest for them. I often think about the young ladies who were sexually abused in the youth, or who were taught sex is the only way to love or keep someone. You never know what a person’s background is–unless they tell you. Some ladies go through the “hoe stroll” because they feel insecure (maybe no strong father presence, sexual abuse, etc…) or because they truly love sex and they want it. I don’t think it’s for me to judge anyone. 

    I have a 13-year-old daughter. We have had this conversation. She has actually opened a dialogue with me about the “fast girls”. First, I asked her what she thought. She told me that she thought sleeping around was dangerous and that she wanted to wait until marriage. Of course, that was music to my ears–but, I am very realistic and pragmatic. I reinforced that sex was a major responsibility, must be done with responsibility, and that I definitely preferred that she would wait until she was married–but that if something changed–protection was a must! But then I brought the conversation back to the “fast girls”. I told her not to be judgmental. I told her that unless she knew those particular girls’ background, she really had no basis to formulate a judgment. 

    Thanks for sharing your view point, and thanks for scratching below the surface.

  • Pamchi

    Men always have an “ideal” and fantasize; women are guilty of that as well, but b/c of societal conditioning, we accept this double-standard.  I’m careful, clean and single,,,and always manage pretty alright.  And guess what?  We know how to say no…that is intended for the knuckle-dragging Neanderthals out there who have a standard.  You don’t get to judge.

    If you say you do, then answer this:  half the women you are sleeping with *are* sleeping around, and guess what?  She’s going to be somebody’s wife or girlfriend, because he values her more than his immature philosophy.

  • realexperience

    Well, I am going to speak from experience here. I am married to a wonderful woman with two kids. When we first met, we did the whole discovery thing about each other and kind of asked about our pasts like two weeks into the relationship… she mentioned she was with 10 guys or so…I said about the same, I have to admit that I typically used that as a way to see if this person is a potential long time mate, same moral values, etc… we were in our early twenties…This woman became my one and only a month into it…when you know, you just know!…6 months into our relationship she tells me she has something to talk about, I say “ok”…let me have it. She says that she really wants me to know the truth about her past and how many people she slept with. I said “ok”…well its actually 40 something. That didnt bother me, because I dont really care. But here is what i do care about, how I get treated based on what she has gone through her past. She came with a lot of baggage, extremely insecure and pushed a double standard into our relationship. Well, let me tell you what i mean… She used to introduce me to her ex’s here and there and i had no problems with that…however, she met one of my ex’s once and I was in the dog house for a week, verbal abuse beyond verbal abuse…It was ok for her to flirt because she wasnt going to have sex with them, but if i even looked at a girl or talked to a girl or commented about a girl in a movie… a week of hell would start!…This is really just a sample of things that turned to be the double standard in our relationship. There are a lot more incidents which i wont get into for the sake of keeping this short. I love this woman and to make her feel secure I cut ties with all my girlfriends and avoided all women actually. This continued for 9 years or so…until one night having dinner with colleagues and i mentioned that i knew a lady that worked at a department store and she could get a discount for some one at the table….I was torn to pieces in front of everyone and humiliated! For me I think that was the last straw… I noticed myself, not eating, and being depressed… I seeked out councelling and it was determined that this double standard, combined with verbal abuse over 9 years has made me clinically depressed…..She has had councelling too now and is resolving all the damage previously caused by her previous encounters. I am hopefull :)
    Here is my conclusion i guess. Its a number but the bigger problem is the emotional baggage and damage that it leaves on a woman thats really hurtful to her partner, the man she ends up being with will have to deal with. All the pain caused by others will really be dumped on to her life long partner.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      And there you have it. Though we choose to connect her baggage to the amount of partners she has had, it really isn’t about the actual number. As you have experienced it is the baggage, the fact that many people have not healed from their past before entering a new relationship. The reality is that this can happen with a woman who has had very few partners or many partners. Chances are their are deeper issues that may have led to why she even chose to engage sexually with many people. So again it isn’t the number, it is how they behave today and if they have addressed any issues from the past that can linger and hurt them and the person they enter into a relationship with. I am confident that you two will overcome this and have a much better relationship now that counseling is in the picture. Just continue to pour love into her and your relationship and you will continue to see things improve.

      • Altamera74

        No, it can most certainly simply be about the actual number.  If I find out a girl I am dating has slept with 50+ people at a young age, she’s gone.  That level of promiscuity speaks to a character defect.  

        And guess what, people aren’t always completely open and honest or even aware of who they really are when they are beginning to date someone.  We put our best feet forward, so to speak.

        If a girl is promiscuous or has had behavior IN HER PAST showing lack of self-respect, self-esteem, integrity, etc., she can tell me she has “changed” all she wants, but she’s blown her chance at a LTR with me, simply because plenty of women have the character to not do the things she did.

      • altamera74

        No, it can most certainly simply be about the actual number.  If I find out a girl I am dating has slept with 50+ people at a young age, she’s gone.  That level of promiscuity speaks to a character defect.  

        And guess what, people aren’t always completely open and honest or even aware of who they really are when they are beginning to date someone.  We put our best feet forward, so to speak.

        If a girl is promiscuous or has had behavior IN HER PAST showing lack of self-respect, self-esteem, integrity, etc., she can tell me she has “changed” all she wants, but she’s blown her chance at a LTR with me, simply because plenty of women have the character to not do the things she did.

    • meandmyself

      Really man…. you have issues… so you didn’t have problems with your wife introducing you to her ex’s and flirting with them..?? 

  • Fitch99

    Sometimes it’s just not about judgement of the person – it’s about hurting a future partner’s feelings. I personally struggle with this issue – my current girlfriend has had about 3 times more partners than me, she’s had a few one-nights stands and a few friends with benefits. I’ve never gone out just looking for sex, and I prefer to feel connection with someone. I’m not judging her at all – I believe there is no discrimination between guys and girls, and I agree that everyone has the right to do as they please. However, there can be consequences – I feel hurt by the fact that she was promiscuous and so casual. I don’t know why I feel hurt…as i said, I believe people have the right to do what they want. But it hurts me to know that the girl I care about so much is just a notch on so many bedposts. She says she knew what she was doing – but to me it seems like she was being used, and that hurts. I sometimes dream about it, feel sad etc. And I wish I didn’t. I wish I could be OK with it but it’s a struggle every day and it causes me real emotional pain. So I guess what I want to say is – yes, you do have the right to sleep with anyone as long as you’re safe, and I would never call you a slut or judge you etc….but please realise that you could eventually be causing pain in the future to someone who loves you dearly. Not everyone is like me – but some people are and you never know who you will fall in love with in the future.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I appreciate you sharing that. I completely understand where you are coming from. Nobody likes for the woman they love to be viewed in that light. What I want to encourage you to do is to understand what is done is done. There is nothing any of us can do to change the past, but we can choose to make our present and future so much better. She loves you, and regardless of how anybody else wants to view her, it only matters how you view her. Embrace who she is today and enjoy it. Don’t allow the negative thoughts to hinder your relationship or your overall quality of life. At the end of the day none of those could capture her heart as you have. Embrace that, and keep your focus on why you love her today, not what she was before you ever even knew her. 

    • Fitch99

      Good news – I’m over it

      • KrackerMonkey

        You’re never going to be over it fully

  • Altamera74

    Basically, many women today want to be able to act like a whore while they are younger, and still settle down with a man in a stable marriage once they get their promiscuity out of their systems.

    They are basically acting like many men have for ages.

    Many men are saying that they don’t like this, and don’t want to end up marrying a “guy with a vagina”.

    Men and women are different.  Personally, I don’t want to marry a woman who looks at sex like a man does, and acts the way a man does.  I want to marry someone different from me: a woman.

    Since men have choices, we can choose to reward or punish this sluttiness on the part of young women.  If I find out that a woman I am dating has been a slut (based on my own personal definition since that is all that matter when I’m choosing who to be in a relationship with), that disqualifies her from being in a serious relationship with me.

    Actions have consequences people.

    So sure, women can be sluts and then claim they have grown, and changed, and moved past that time of their lives.  Sorry, I’d much rather reward the woman who showed discipline, restraint, integrity, and respect for herself.  You can love sex without being a slut.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I just responded to your other comment so I will keep this response short. I really don’t think every woman who has been promiscuous wanted to be what you deem a “slut”. It’s not like they grew up thinking they will screw as many guys as they can, get married, and live happily ever after. Granted there are some women who embrace being free to do as they please sexually, and then there are some that get “caught up” for various reasons. Regardless, as I stated before you are entitled to your opinion. I understand a lot of what you have said and certain points are valid. I still disagree with your overall position on the matter. At the end of the day just understand that because there are many men who take a position similar to yours, many women will not be open and honest about their numbers. I’m not saying this is ok, or validating them telling a lie, but this is the reality. So many men end up with a woman they swear meets their standards in regards to their sexual past, but really she has done much more then he will ever know. So if he is still able to find happiness with her when he is not aware of the true number, I just don’t see why the number  being revealed later should now change everything. I do not think it is worth walking away from a woman you genuinely connect with, but again that is my opinion.

      • altamera74

        Oh sure, I agree.  Women behave as sluts for many reasons.  The simple truth is, it doesn’t matter why you act like a slut.  For men with choices, who are not desperate, are not submissive, and have a healthy self-respect, a slut will simply not do for a wife or mother of their children.
        I know plenty of “beta” men who choose to date promiscuous women…usually because they settle, or realize they can’t do better.  

        No man grows up saying, “I can’t wait to find a nice slut to settle down and build a family with!!”

        Very true, plenty of sluts attempt to hide their sluttiness through subterfuge, yet they inevitably give off “tells”.  One can only “act” so long before the truth comes out.

        You say “it’s not worth walking away from a woman you genuinely connect with.  Sure, that is what many men (especially those who are getting up there) say.  They usually have lower self-esteem, don’t believe they can get better, and FEAR they won’t be able to “connect” with another woman they like in the future, so they settle for something sub-standard.  I see it all the time.

        Heck, I’ve even dated a slut, for a year!  She thought she could convince me to change my mind, but the longer we dated, the more I became convinced that, regardless of how well we “connected”, I could never see her as a wife or the mother of my children…due to her sluttiness and the fact she allowed herself to be used as a piece of sexual meat.

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          Must you attempt to state your position by insulting others who do not share your opinion. Those who feel the need to take this approach typically have some deeper issues they are not properly addressing. There is nothing wrong with your disagreement, but they way you go about it is very negative and very unnecessary. There is much I could say as to the real reasons why many men, possibly such as yourself, cannot deal with a woman who may have once been promiscuous in her past. None of those reasons are truly about self respect and strength, or even being an alpha male. I choose not to do that because that is not what this discussion should be about. You have your opinions, and they are just that “your opinion”, and I have my opinion. You can believe what you wish, and if this works for you my friend then by all means continue as you are. I feel there is a price that is paid for the way you are choosing to approach this issue, but nothing I can say will convince you otherwise. Only life itself can show you, but you can still choose to continue as is. 

          • altamera74

            Hi Stephan, I don’t see where you think I was insulting others.  I am sharing my experiences and opinions.  
            ” Those who feel the need to take this approach typically have some deeper issues they are not properly addressing.”
            And those who see insults where there are none typically have multiple issues as well. ;)
            Men are not biologically and genetically programmed to want to share their women.  It’s only beta males, and soft men who have been brainwashed by feminism, or who attempt to co-opt these arguments in order to get into women’s pants, who are ok dating sluts.
            These men typically have low self-esteem, cannot get better, are older and desperate, or simply have no other options.
            Being forced to settle for a woman who has been ridden like the town bike, and shared her body with dozens, if not hundreds of men is very weak, and very low-standard.  
            Yes, there is certainly a price I am paying: not seriously dating sluts.
            Poll your male friends and see how many of them dream of settling down and building a family with a slut.

          • lala

            Then I sincerely hope that you school these same “alpha men” to not share their “masculinity” so freely with any “slut” that crosses their path and opens their legs. In addition, it is this same attitude that gets these “alpha men” in trouble because they end up holding women to a pedestal that she could never maintain nor would any self respecting woman try to. Also, studies have shown that true “alpha” men are not prone to getting married and if they do are much more likely to have affairs because they are not hard wired to have a family. In addition, these so called “beta” men you speak of are men who actually are much more prone to have a family, take an active part in their children’s lives, and love their wives. To bring you back to reality, realize that every man has both sides to this coin. You need both to function but then again so do women. Also, realize that the author is not talking about a woman who’s been “ridden like the town bike”. And if he is, so what? That’s what “alpha men” do in the truest sense the word. You don’t think there are “alpha women” out there? (tongue in cheek)

          • altamera74

            Alpha men have choices, and “pick of the litter”.

            Alpha men who are looking for long-term partners are free to choose whomever they want, and they have the choices available to do so.

            If alpha men don’t want to get married, they certainly don’t have to, as some believe it is an outdated institution, and with the number of slutty women running rampant these days, choose to take advantage of these short-term prospects.

            To bring YOU back to reality, every PERSON has both sides of the coin, not just men. However, many men, when looking for long term partners, will look to women who have shown they can control themselves and not get ridden like the town bike.

            And guess what, in case you hadn’t noticed, men and women are different. Most men don’t want to marry a person who is in effect a “man with a vagina”. They want a woman, someone different than they are. There’s nothing wrong with that.

            Welcome to reality.

          • gotsomevalidquestions4u

            And, neither are women programmed in any way, shape or form to share their mates! And, dude, I’m going to say this to you, and then I’ll be signing off. You are the very reason Stefan was inspired to write this article. You and your cohorts. Stefan probably didn’t realize this was true while he was writing the article or even now. I don’t know. Btw, there is only one true ALPHA in this entire universe. His name is Jesus Christ. And there is no one besides Him. He is the ALPHA and the OMEGA. The First and the Last. The Beginning and the End. He is the Lion and the Lamb. He laid His life down for you and for me that we would not have to be separated from him because of our sinful ways and mind sets. He is the King of kings and Lord of lords. And, yet, came to this earth and mankind to serve and not to be served. He did this by washing His disciples feet and telling them to do likewise. And, after that, he paid the most endearing miraculous amazing act on our behalf…. He willingly suffered and took our punishment for our sin upon Himself

          • gotsomevalidquestions4u

            Even to the point of death! Hallelujah!!! Thank you, Lord, for what you have done that we couldn’t do for ourselves. Thank you, Lord, for resurrecting from the dead. So that we, too, can be raised with you on the last day! Thank you, Lord, for writing my name in Your Lamb’s Book of Life and sealing me with Your Holy Spirit! Hallelujah!

        • CrankyRat

          What an a**! You have more preconceptions than a porcupine has quills. Your notions of beta this and slut that are so divorced from reality where do I begin. I feel sorry for whoever marries the likes of you.

          • altamera74

            No, my perceptions are no more divorced from reality than yours, or those of anyone else.  My happiness is not based on marriage.  I hope you are able to get your anger issues under control.

          • altamera74

            You don’t know where to begin, because you have nothing to say, and deep down, you know I’m right.
            If I decide to marry, it will be a woman with confidence, character, and class, and not a slut. And I really don’t care if you feel sorry for me or not.

      • meandmyself

        Well that is the same than saying that a woman who cheat should not confess… of course if the husband does not find out they could live happy for ever… but the problem come that it is living a lie… in both cases if the husband would have know the truth about the person they are living with probably would have not chosen to live with this person… and that is the weight that the  cheating/laying woman have to take with her for her whole life… nor to say the fear of being caught….

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          I disagree with that comparison. A woman who cheats on her husband has violated their relationship. She made a vow to stay faithful and she broke it. Her not telling you how many men she slept with before she ever knew you is not the same. Now if you ask her and she lies about the number, then your point is much more valid in my opinion. If he never asks or she never gives him a specific number then I do not think we should put that in the same category as a cheating wife. 

    • Seany ORiely

      Wow! I say this all the time! Exactly act like a slut then oh now i want a good man. GTFO, it should not work that way. Normally the good man doesnt have half the number of the slut girl.

  • Victoria_hopkins

    How many is to many partners for both men and women? Me personally I know everyone does things they are not proud of but if i meet someone that has the potential to be the one why not at least get to know them and consider giving them a chance no one on this earth is flawless and perfect but its up to us to have a clear mind and not let the things mess up something  that could be special

    • Altamera74

      It’s up to the individual to decide that for him or herself.  But most men with self-esteem, and who aren’t “betas” won’t stoop so low to marry and have children with a slut.  Nobody wants to end up with the town whore who every guy has ridden.

      That said, if you think you’ve found “the one” (a dubious train of thought to begin with), by all means, give it a go, and see if it works out. 

      It’s not about being “flawless and perfect”.  It’s about having standards that say, as a man, if I’m going to marry and commit my life to someone, it’s going to be someone with the self-respect and character to have not been a whore.  

      And it’s not just about the numbers.  I’d much rather be with a woman who has been with 10 people, 7 in the course of relationships vs. the girl who has only been with 8 people, but 5 of those were in a single night when she was gangbanged.

      It’s about respect.  I’m not going to be in a relationship with someone I don’t respect, and I’m sure as hell not going to marry and make the mother of my children some floozy who’s been with 50 people, been gang-banged, and allowed herself to be used like a piece of meat.

  • Miteshpatel_41

    As per your Article this clearly shows that Women have sex during their High School and early age as they know that guys or men will not marry them they just want SEX so this only classified that kind of woman as a SLUT ( a WHORE who sex’s without Money)  
    This is just Like having a Second hand CAR on whom so many Drivers have been used that Car.
    Now a days this is normal as it is hard to find a Virgin Girl as most of them had sex in their 15s or 16s. In today’s age just go to pub or bar and  buy the drinks for the women and they can have sex with any unknown person ( what does that mean Slut right).
    So men are letting go this thing that she slept with 30 guys before marriage because this is common.
    In short 90% women fell under this category. Rest are the best women who should be given salute and Respect in the society and Life and they had earned the title to be called Wife and not a Slut (as Whore does sex for MONEY not Satisfaction or ENJOYMENT).

  • Joe

    Women lie period.  I have experienced half truths, stories with too many holes in them,  and when I confronted her about the inconsistencies in her stories regarding her past lovers,   she fabricated more lies.   Then she hit me with the old…….Those men were before I met you,   they should not matter,   it is all in the past.   

    Some women are lower than whale poop.    

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Lmao @ “Whale Poop”. Honestly what you are saying has a lot of truth to it, and that is one of my points. Many women will not feel comfortable telling the real number because of the fear of being judged. Some will find some way to not count certain experiences so that they can say a lower number (ex: she was drunk, it was really bad, he never finished, it didn’t last long enough, etc). So a man can use that as a measuring stick all he wants, but the reality is he may forever be getting false data.

  • Bianca_smith05

    amen

    • Altamera74

      Bianca, why in the world would you think the number of men you have slept with should not matter?
      Do you expect that guys would find equally as desirable and attractive as a life partner the woman who has slept with 100 men, as the woman who has been with 8?

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/D7EVDNBIRECZDDPRRAAGR2JA2Y Ask me.

    The past does matter, because granted imagine sleeping with the man or woman, exchanging fluids. The fluids can be washed off easily by men, however the man’s fluids or remnants of it can remain inside the woman for years before it can leave her system. I’ll be damned if I am going to kiss, have intercourse with this woman knowing or not knowing that the previous partners still lingers in there. Oh Hell no!!!

  • Puppycat

    Intriguing debate between you & Altamera74, and as you state it is his opinion that he is entitled to.  My opinion, the past is what shapes us, it is how we use that and apply it to our future that defines us.  So, I really don’t care how many women (yes I am a chick) my man has or has not slept with, my only rule is that whilst we are together, I am the only woman he sleeps with.  Altamera74, from a chick’s point of view,  you are going to end up a very sad and lonely man if you take that sort of attitude into your life when it comes to choosing a partner.  Everyone has a past.  Regardless of what it was, it shouldn’t matter.  That doesn’t define who you will be.  To use the analogy of work, yes, fair comment. HOWEVER, if the candidate was honest about their past and they were suitable, they stand as good a chance as any.
    It is the little matter of lying about the past that makes it untennable.
    Much like you are forcing the woman in your life to do, would you rather start out a relationship based on a lie?

    • Altamera74

      Hi Puppycat. Wow, so many issues with your post. Where to begin…
      You, as a woman, are obviously free to care (or not) how many previous partners your man has been with.  You are not a man.  Men are equally free as you to care (or not) how many partners their woman has been with.  Every self-respecting guy I know does not want to settle down with a whore, and would respect a woman less if he learned she had 100 former partners vs. say 8.

      “Altamera74, from a chick’s point of view,  you are going to end up a very sad and lonely man if you take that sort of attitude into your life when it comes to choosing a partner.”

      This statement makes no sense.  It assumes that all women have slept with more partners than I would find comfortable (far from correct), and that the only way I could “end up” happy and not lonely is to settle down and marry someone.

      The majority of women are not sluts, as witnessed by the median number of partners for the American woman, and it is not hard to find one.  I’m also comfortable with myself and my happiness is not determined by whether or not I have a partner. 

      “Everyone has a past.”

      This is a trite platitude devoid of meaning.  It’s like me saying, “The sky often appears blue.”
      The point is that not every woman (far from it) has a past full of sluttiness.

      “Regardless of what it was, it shouldn’t matter.  That doesn’t define who you will be.”

      So I take it that you would have no problem dating a former child rapist?

      “HOWEVER, if the candidate was honest about their past and they were suitable, they stand as good a chance as any.”

      No, they don’t.  Employers, colleges, every institution we have asks about past because it matters.  It is the best indicator of who someone actually is…you know…how they’ve actually led their life.

      “Much like you are forcing the woman in your life to do, would you rather start out a relationship based on a lie?”

      I don’t “force” anyone to do anything.

      The choices you make in life matter and have consequences.  If a woman chooses to be a slut, there is a price to pay for that behavior with many men who will forever disqualify her from consideration as a serious partner to settle down with.

      • meandmyself

        Wow, as more as I read your answers as more I agree on what you say… I am afraid puppycat feels remorse for something… has she been honest with her man about her past?????

  • crowgolden2

    I will never marry a girl who was promiscuous in the past. Anyone with a brain knows that a person’s past is a huge reflection of themselves and that past actions can show a lot especially in regards to the human condition. I cannot think of any psychologist or Neurologist who would argue that humans actions have no weight on themselves or their behavior let alone mental health. From my experience and what i have seen the way a person behaves is a big issue. You cannot truly understand or know a person until you know just about everything. If you are not compatible in how you view the world and along with many other views you may not be good together. Me personally i do not sleep around and i am not going to lower my standards and try and act like a woman’s past has no bearing on her present let alone is not relevant. Actions humans commit can be used as a good indicator of more than just “past” it can tell you a lot more!

    • altamera74

      Amen brother.  Women who choose to be sluts make their beds, and must lie in them.  Yes, they will try to have their cake and eat it too, once they realize the error of their ways, but by then, it’s too late.  Plenty of respectable women do not live their youths as sluts, and it is THESE women who deserve our time, investment, and energies; not the sluts.

  • http://twitter.com/TerrillCharming Skyfall

    Lets be serious. So its cool to wife up a porn star? Have you been on cdc.gov lately or follow @cdcstd on twitter? Obviously the more people you sleep with the higher your possibility of having an std are. Besides if you find out she sleeps with the types of guys who sleep around, that’s alarming. Guys in sports, entertainment and the military normally are cheaters. You think people are using condoms at a high rate…nope. Planned Parenthood business is booming.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      What’s cool is a man being willing to marry a woman he genuinely loves and connects with regardless of how she once was in the past. Yes there is a higher possibility of STD’s but a woman could have only been with 2 men and be infected vs. the woman who had over 30 and is still disease free. So either the person is tested positive or they test negative. You can do that without ever knowing how many partners she had. 

      • Altamera74

        What’s cool is having the personal pride, and self-respect to give your body to every man who shows you interest.  
        Sleeping with a lot of people says something about one’s character.
        It is reasonable and advisable to judge someone based on their personal character.
        Actions and deeds speak more loudly than words.
        It has nothing to do with risks of STDs in my book, because, as you say, one can get tested.
        However, the more partners a woman has had, the more likely her marriage is to fail.
        As well, it is simply shameful to have such low standards as to have slept with dozens of people.

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          Altamera74 your position on this matter is very clear. I understand where you are coming from but we do not agree on this topic. I do not agree that the more partners she has had the more likely the marriage will fail. Past promiscuity is not what causes a marriage to fail in my opinion. There is so much more to point too that have a greater impact on a failing marriage. Sometimes some of the same issues that are hurting that marriage are what contributed to that women even being promiscuous in the first place. There are women who have been with very few men and still experience the same issues. So there is something much deeper going on. Either way we can just agree to disagree.    

          • Altamera74

            Hi Stephan. Good, glad to know my position is clear.  I believe yours is as well.
            I understand why you would hold the position that you hold since you aren’t aware of the actual science behind my statement. It is actually a fact that the more partners a woman has had, the more likely the marriage is to fail, source: http://socialpathology.blogspot.com/2010/09/sexual-partner-divorce-risk.html
            I, of course, agree that other factors contribute to failed marriage.  However, all else being equal, women with more sexual partners are more likely to undergo a failed marriage.
            Cheers.

          • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

            I checked out this study and there is so much I can say. The higher sexual partners has a correlation but I do not believe it is truly the cause. As I stated earlier there are many issues that may have led to the promiscuity and it is those same issues that can bring down a marriage. So if you have a woman who has X amount of partners but have truly addressed her issues then I do not believe she will have a higher rate of divorce over the woman who has only had one partner but a slew of issues she has not properly addressed. So to simply go off of the number is in my opinion a misguided approach to understanding the person you are dealing with. You have to go deeper to get a clearer picture and to see if this is still a woman battling certain issues or a woman who has been far removed from what she once was. Again there is much more that can be said about this study and this topic. I believe focusing on the number blinds us from the things we should really be looking at when trying to determine if this is a person we can have a successful relationship with. Like I said before, we can just agree to disagree on this one. 

          • Altamera74

            Ok. You can choose to believe what you want, naturally.  But…it /is/ a fact that the more promiscuous the woman, the more likely she is to have a failed marriage.  And that is with all else being equal.  There is simply so much that goes along with “the number”.  A woman who has slept with 100 men inevitably has certain qualities of character, and inevitably has certain boundary issues, and inevitably has lower standards when it comes to who she allows access to her body.  

            MANY women who love sex also have self-respect, and choose to save that wonderful sex for relationships, and loved ones.

            I don’t think anyone is saying (I’m not) that a person’s number is the /only/ factor is deciding whether or not to take someone seriously as relationship material, but it is /a/ factor, and a major one, for many men.  

            This is reasonable and rational.

            Peace.

          • meandmyself

            I think at the end it all comes to self respect… I don’t think a woman who shares herself with anyone who gives her attention will be able to commit to a monogamy relationship… It is just against  the nature of her behavior, you can’t pretend to have a different value system regarding sex (how you call it in your post) and then embrace monogamy and change that values all over again… Other topic I would like to suggest you analyze is the fact that if a woman has slept with 100+ men for example… what is the difference between getting married to that woman that to a prostitute? Just that the second one gets paid for it?  Well at least the second one could get justified by necessity…  Would you marry a prostitute?

        • meandmyself

          I would 100% subscribe to this comment!

        • Seany ORiely

          You are the freaking man!

        • gotsomevalidquestions4u

          How many people have you slept with, Neighbor? And, what does your sex life say about your character?

      • meandmyself

        Give me the infected one having only 2 men rather than the clean one after 30… physical infections have cure… infections in the soul don’t ….

      • blanksie_11

        Sorry, bro. You don’t sound like an “expert”. Brothers like you are the reason so many women act like men these days. Not much wife material out there. Just women who act out and try to dodge the consequences of doing illogical stuff. 

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          Blanksie if you take the time to read the article and many other articles I have written you will notice that I always mention that I think it is best for women to wait. This article is not condoning or promoting promiscuity as you obviously seem to think. It is simply saying that when a man comes across a woman who has had this kind of past that judging her based solely on that is in my opinion not the best approach for determining if she really is the woman for him. Who she was it not always who she is now. Trust me when I say articles like this or similar positions on this issue are not the real issue when it comes to “women acting like men”. Labeling them as whores and not worthy of a relationship isn’t going to resolve the real problem here. So you may want to take a deeper look in trying to understand the problem and how to better approach it.

  • MsSadly

    I think men and women should be judged the same. So if a man has slept with a hundred then he should be deemed the same way that a woman is if she sleeps with that many. All is equal and fair. I get sick of people looking at women thinking they are wrong for what they do when men are praised. Just look at them in the same light. What would Jesus do? He look at them both. So get that un fair stuff out of here!

    • Altamera74

      Men and women are not the same and should not be judged the same. Nobody is talking about taking away civil rights from someone because of their choices, but it is perfectly within the rights of men to judge a woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with differently than they would judge their male buddies.

      • Seany ORiely

        Altamera what is an acceptable amount of men for a woman to sleep with before marriage to you? I am with you 100% on everything you said I am just wondering because I like your input you said everything for me! haha Also ” A LOCK that is open by any KEY is a USELESS LOCK!”

  • meandmyself

    To my point of view we all have our premises on how we chose our partners (size, color of eyes, color of hair, etc) for me the number of sexual partners of the person I would chose it would be also a factor… I have to admit that bumping into a ex partner would be a negative effect but to me is more the idea of this person being more able of controlling her instincts a bit better than an animal or not..  I would feel disgusted if I would know my wife had slept with so many men…

    For those who think they are not even obliged to say how many people they have slept with is like the ones who think that they can cheat as long as their husband does not find out… it is living a lie and if your husband would ever find out you could have a bad surprise because he is not aware on who he is living with and he can get as disgusted as I do … 

    You had the fun? You slept with so many people? well now endure the consecuences… you will find people who doesn’t care but you will also face that there are people who cares… 

  • Anonymous

    I don’t think that the amount of partners anyone has been with in the past should be completely reflective of who they are as a person. If they are still like that and this doesn’t play well in your life, move on. If they have changed and you feel some sort of potential, give them a chance. People shouldn’t be so quick to judge others. It benefits to see the bigger picture and all angles of a situation. Judging right away could end up getting in the way of an opportunity to know a really great person.

    What matters in the end is if they are a genuinely good person or if they at least have good intentions. Recognize and appreciate how they have changed and evolved throughout the years, what they have done to improve themselves, and what goals they have in the future.

    • Altamera74

      Of course it should matter.  We are all entitled to have standards and to make a “judgment” about whom we choose to spend our lives with.  The amount of partners a person chooses to share themselves with sexually reflects on that person’s character and values.  

      In choosing a partner for a relationship, matches up character and values is very important.

    • meandmyself

      What matters is probably different for you than for me. In my eyes it matters is someone has had a decent approach to love and sex. You may not mind to share your life with someone who has share herself with everyone who show some interest but for me it is very a very important detail as it is part of the whole person you are choosing… since I have that capacity of choice I want to have a nice person as a whole… including a matching in our values… personally I am sure I would not go ahead with a woman with this kind of baggage. I would find disgusting to kiss a woman of that kind…

  • Fuzzihair

    I hold men and women to the same standard. A slut is a slut, and don’t matter what gender. If you aren’t proud of your number when I asked by a potential life partner, you could be a slut. Problem is you can’t take that back, you’re just hoping they pop out the same number lol.

  • RigDotCom

    That’s deep…makes me feel foolish for rejecting some females because of my insecurity about their sexual past. It was about not wanting to be holding hands or walking down the street with a female and having dudes walking by that she’s slept with or the possibility of them making any comments but…what dude can say they’ve only been with a handful of women…

    • Altamera74

      Men and women are different, in case you hadn’t noticed.  It is much easier for a woman to sleep with a random man than vice versa.

  • Steviesmoovv

    Pimps, Hoes and Sluts below 

  • Magnetopua

    No. To a guy it does matter. I hit the cutoff line at 5 MAX.
    Sorry but it is a cutoff and a major factor in a potential mate.
    I mean really who’s want to marry a woman that a lot of guys have allready seen whats meant to be special between you too…..really?

  • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

    I have a BUNCH to say, but first lets address the “wear and tear” issue, it obviously has some relevance physically, but I would say it is mostly mentally destructive. God did not create us to be WHORES, and I am referring to both Men and Women. Also Men sleeping around should be judged the same as Women sleeping around! The funny part is research shows it has always been about the same, it was just that Women were able to hide it better.

    Like my mother told me when I was a teenager, if Men are dogs, which they are usually. Who are they sleeping with? If someone says he has slept with 100 women, who is sleeping around more, the Men or the Women? As sad as it seems, the fact is CERTAIN Men sleep with tons of Women, and many Women sleep if lots of Men. (Lets assume TONS is much larger than LOTS). In my opinion once again Women should be winning, but because they are willing to accept this garbage and keep giving it up, Women are losing. Actually this research was proven by a Women’s Organization!

  • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

    Ladies, as a Man with successful experience, KEEP THOSE LEGS CLOSED until you find the right Man. Once you find the right Man, cover him with COCHIE JUICE, give him more than he can handle. The key is make him earn it, NO commitment, NO Booty! This may make some Men unhappy, but it will work!

  • Lcameron86

    Think about this. Would you rather have a car with ONE OWNER, who took care of it. Or would you rather have a car that’s bee driven by a lot of different people. That’s why they say “check the Carfax”

    • lala

      Not a good example. Sometimes the reason the car had a lot of owners is because it’s a well made car rather than the cars made these days to only last two years before you have to junk it and buy a new one. In addition, last time I checked, a woman is not a car to be “driven”. She is a human being like a man is a human being.

  • Ayana

    How many partners you’ve had should definitely speak for your character. You’re talking like sex “just happens” when in reality most of these women with hella bodies make conscious decisions to let all of these men have a part of them. I’m not saying that my hoe friends shouldn’t find a great man one day but damn, if they saw them now they’d never get “wifed.” I go to a state school & am constantly reminded that it’s a small world. If the man I marry is from my state, he’ll definitely know someone I went to school with. I think I’m old enough to understand that and act accordingly. If at 20/21 you’re still tacking up bodies, you have a problem!!!!!! You should have an idea that its not a good look. No one wants to date or marry a hoe. Women need to get it together!!!!

  • Joewoods73

    To me in some case it shouldn’t matter because everyone has had their wild period, but at the same time you don’t want a person where everywhere you go folks are like, “Yo I hit that”  I don’t care who you are, that hits home and you start to question your choice in boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife.

  • blanksie_11

    Being young is no excuse for being a whore. 

  • http://morenog7.tumblr.com/ ☮ Djed ☥ Freethinker

    so what this nigga is saying is, It’s alright to marry a whore, right?

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Chances are that if this is your question then you have not read the whole article. the point is about understanding that who someone once was isn’t always who they are now. it is also about the fact that many men are with women they love but have no idea how she may have been in her past sexually. so should that man walk away from her now just based off of him finding out a specific number despite the fact that how she is today makes him a happy man. If a woman is still behaving in a way you don’t agree with then by all means keep it moving. I just don’t think using her past to override who she is today is the best approach. 

      • Yo

        You can keep the sluts for yourself… I will definitely go for the classy ones!

  • Mike

    What’s up bro? Serious question as this is a prob I’m currently dealing with…I met an amazing girl who I was 99% sure was my future wife.  It’s safe to say that we feel/felt that way about each other.  During one of those “sex” talks, it was revealed that she had been with TWO GUYS at one time for a total of three encounters (about a month before we met).  In my attempt to be “understanding”, I heard her out about everything including listening to her tell me that she was very intoxicated, was caught off guard each time (wasnt planned), liked ONE of the guys, and that the other guy was his best friend/roommate.  Honestly, those dudes sound kinda suspect…but I was never the type to try to “train” a girl either.

    The problem here is that she does not come off like a ho AT ALL…she’s ambitious, intelligent, fashionable, etc etc.  Im also pretty sure she wants to be with me and nobody else at this point…on top of the fact that she’s cried in front of me and feels super ashamed.  Do you think that I can take her seriously?  You already know what the “homies” are saying…. (sorry so long lol just trying to get you the most info).

    At this point a # seems like the least of my worries…

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Hey Mike. Do me a favor and email me this question to advice@stephanspeaks.com I’m having all advice questions directed there.

    • Yo

      My friend hoes often do not look like hoes.. but they still are… 
      You really want to marry miss double penetration?

  • Kabdog

    Stephan when you say up your game… If you are average and a past lover of hers was well endowed there is nothing positions, creativity, or use of toys can compensate for.  Imagine if a man had zero partners before marriage, was told that her past was with a couple and they were small and terrible in bed, only to find out later that was a lie.  A man does not want to have to compete with previous Mr. Big.  It does not matter if a women thinks average is great, or claims that, it only matters that in our male mind we don’t like feeling insecure with the women that should make us feel secure every time we engage in the most intimate of acts with her for the rest of our life.  There is nothing psychologically wrong with us nor do we need help.  THIS IS REALITY.  THIS IS LIFE.  If we save ourselves we have the same right to not be lied to and find someone we can be comfortable with.  

    Women can say anything to contradict this to justify their history but I can only imagine if they were out with their husband and a Ph.D. Doctor lady walks up and says hey it has been forever how are you.  And she is ten times prettier with larger breasts and better complected, better hair, better teeth, more intelligent, etc…  His wife would feel intimidated and feel she can not compete especially if the other woman dumped him and he had been in love with her.  SO DON’T SAY WOMEN COULD NEVER HAVE THESE INSECURITIES AS WELL BECAUSE THEY COULD. 

    It is not fair to either spouse to have to compete with previous whether perceived or real “upgrades” the previous partner had.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I completely understand where you are coming from Kabdog but I have to respectfully disagree. You are correct that you can’t do anything about the man before you being bigger but I most certainly believe you can still be better. I feel most people focus on the physical aspect of sex but overlook the mental and emotional aspect which plays an even bigger role in how good the sex can be. Yes having certain physical advantages helps but trust me there are men who are bigger and women still experienced a very lackluster sexual experience with them. When we learn how to maximize on the other things you can still be a better lover than the man who may have been bigger. 

      I don’t thing something is wrong with a man who does not like the idea of competing with a womans past. I believe most men would prefer this. What I am saying is I don’t feel it is best to allow that to overshadow everything else that is great about this woman and the fact that you believe she is best from you (aside from a possible past you aren’t too happy about). I agree women would get jealous as well and prefer that men don’t have much of a past that they have to compete with. Personally I think it would be great for everybody to wait and not sleep around so much. I believe it is truly best. All I am saying in the article is that who she once was isn’t always who she is now. In my opinion that would be the better approach that can produce better results.

  • D. Bauld

    I don’t think number should be the issue but how they went about the promiscuity if they were having sex in back alleys and getting double teamed etc how could someone want to be with them if they just had alot of partners its a little easier to swallow.

  • Jimmyc

    Some people just don’t deal with relationships well. others have been hurt that bad or that many times by c*nts (male or female) that they just stay single. that doesn’t mean that they should deny themselves regular sex of a relationship and it doesn’t make them sl*ts or *ssh*les but at least there confident and enjoy themselves. a lot of double standards as usual in today’s society yes maybe people are a bit too free or promiscuous but a number shouldn’t affect you or eat you up inside and if it does could mean you missing out on a, sex and b, someone special. and no teenage girls are not by right suppose to stay virgins until you come along at some point in their lives lol. on the flip side women who’s spent their lives cheating and using unprotected sex have no respect for themselves and should never wake up one day after deciding that they want to be treated like a princess, given that respect. but that is just my opinion and I do love old fashion women

  • mr.inca.loyo@gmail.com

    I’d like to personally add my input as I am going through an exact situation with my current girlfriend. My girlfriend of 8 months told me in the beginning of the relationship she had only been with 2 other men which were her past relationships. I appreciated the honesty and had no problem with it. It wasn’t until recently I started putting together clues that she had been with more. I confronted her about it and she responded the number was 5. Couple days later it turned to 9. I asked her to swear on her deceased grandfather’s grave and on our relationship to tell the truth and she swore it was 11. Only to then change the number 2 more times from 13 to the final number now which is 15 and me being the 16th. To be completely honest, I would not have been bothered if all 15 men before me were past relationships. But sadly they weren’t. Only 2 of them were and the other 13 just encounters. She is 20 years old and lost her virginity at 18 to the first relationship. The hardest part for me to swallow is once she entered college, she slept with those other men in a matter of just a year. That’s roughly a new guy each month. Some she didn’t even remember their names<——which to me is degrading. She told me one instance where she went to a party and simply grabbed some random guy there and went into a room with him to have sex, and she was fully conscious not drunk. Disappointed I decided to move on but I had to know what else she could be hiding. I found out she was very open about hooking up and put herself on "hook-up" websites where she could trade nude pictures with random men who just were looking for flings. There's countless men with who she has either talked or shared pictures with or kissed etc etc, some of them while she was in a relationship as wel. I cannot lie that finding out all the stuff about her hurt me because I generally do hold deep emotions for her, but as someone else stated, it is ridiculous to say "do not judge someone by their past", because the same cannot be said for criminals who committed a crime and now regret it. Or why jobs do background checks or the existence of credit scores. Decisions determine who you are, end of story. I've bumped into the men who've used her and they all have told friends that they were embarassed to sleep with her and treated her as joke. Not to mention the problems I've tried to avoid by those men who slander her name. I wouldn't stress it so much had I not have something to compare her to. I have a past love interest who you can say is the one I regret letting go in my life the most. She is the exact opposite of what my current girlfriend is. She had never been sexually active and would only have sex if it was in a relationship with a man she loved. I respected her view so much. I don't expect women to stay virgins until marriage in today's world but at least have sex with someone you share love and intimacy with. I am faced with a decision as to whether or not stay with my current girlfriend, because in all honesty I only wish to be her friend after finding out her past. I can only imagine the disappointment her parents or my mother would express if they knew the truth about her. What if I were to continue with her and have kids? If we had a daughter and son, our daughter would do those things as well because her mommy did those things so it must be ok for her to do it too. And our son, how would he view women? Generally speaking, women can have sex with whoever they choose, the same cannot be said for men. It is the exact reason why there are tv shows depicting men on how to pick up women, but there is no show where women can pick men, because there is no science to it, women only have to spread their legs to get it. Therefore I believe a woman should be more selective in who she chooses. I do not like the double standard but I cannot deny that it exists. Women are raised differently from men and each carry different values. Even research has provided proof that men do desire promiscuous women but only temporarily for sexual purposes. The woman that men desire permanently is the woman who isn't promiscuous and is the opposite of the women they have been with. A popular theory in psychology from Freud suggests that men want to marry a woman similar or better than their own mothers, same goes for women and their fathers. It carries some truth to it undoubtedly. My point in the end is although it shouldn't matter, it does. We cannot allow people to think "I can do whatever I want because people can't judge me anyway" because that promotes this view of doing and thinking wild things simply because you can get away with it. This is only my input on the subject as I have been tackling this topic for weeks now and I am open to everybody's opinion. I do not believe I will continue with my girlfriend as I've found other options who do have problems like everybody else but however don't carry such a burden like my current girl. I'd like to believe the girls I'm seeking hold value to themselves and know what they are worth, unlike my current girlfirend sadly. Either way thank you for allowing me to share :)

    • altamera74

      Sounds like you already know the answer to your conundrum.

  • john

    yeah of course it matter because a hoe is a hoe. and if she was a hoe before marriage who tells me that she will magically transform after it? and dont forget life is a stinky bitch, you call your friend in your house and he happened to be one of your wife’s exes. the fire between them grows up again and they start f..ng silly like bunnies behind your back! thanks but… no thanks.

  • Jarah

    I love this article! I myself agree with not judging a future mate depending solely on the number of past partners. I do know that there are some who, respectfully, think otherwise. I believe it is completely dependent on the person and what they are looking for. On the other side of the fence, as a woman, I wouldn’t want to subject my future partner to having any kind of issues with the number of men I’ve slept with. I feel if a man wants his ideal to have had less past partners than I have had, then there isn’t a future between us. End of story. Men have just as much of a right to choose as women do. Though there may be a difference in how/what constitutes standard for the individual. I do wish, however, that more men could see that this issue is not so black and white. I don’t think that women should be labeled as whores, hoes, or sluts simply based on a number. Like the article states you don’t know why she chose to sleep with an individual or several. What is more important than the number is why. Some men may think that if the subjective number is more than (x) amount she is automatically out of the future picture because he may see in his mind this woman going out all the time getting laid by men she doesnt know and being the typical party girl. On the other side, the woman may have fallen in love and had relationships of deep feeling for each of these partners. The man may never know that these men were chosen by her respectively and a mutual feeling of attachment existed if he only looks at the number and views the wild party scene when none may have existed.
    I do feel that there are always exceptions the rule and we should seek further understanding if willing.
    Again love this article! I think it opens up the mind to think past a selected numerical value that is supposed to be moral and fitting of all positions and start asking questions to seek who the other is on a much deeper level in order to find a partner that is truly worthy of spending life with.

  • Torontochick

    My number is 25. Wild oats = sewn. I don’t ever wonder what I missed out on, I know the answer is “not much!” I started at 18, averaged 2.78 a year. I’m happy to be settled down now. I don’t think the number should matter, personally. And I find monogamy more fulfilling than anything else. My love is the best I’ve ever had on every level. That’s why I want to marry him.

    • altamera74

      Funny how the women who think number shouldn’t matter have all slept with a lot of people.

      • Torontochick

        No one is saying you have to date us. I don’t care if you date women who’ve slept with over 20 or not. I am already spoken for. Makes not a whit of difference to me.

        • altamera74

          Uhh, read again. I never said I wanted to date you or anyone like you, so your comment, “No one is saying you have to date us,” is a bit of a non-sequitor.

          Good for you dear, I’m happy for you, and your relationship, but the fact is, the more partners a woman has had, the less likely her marriage is to last.

          Good luck.

          • Torontochick

            I really question the validity of this statement as the divorce rate in “blue” states (where women marry later, on average) is lower than in “red” states where the women are more religious and marry earlier. In addition, the divorce rate in my country of Canada is lower than it is in the US, and we have a more sexually permissive culture as well.
            Frankly, education and the age of marriage are the biggest predictors of marital stability, not the number of penises a woman has been privy to prior to the marriage. Statistics do not lie.

          • altamera74

            Whether you question it or not is irrelevant. You can question the theory of evolution, or gravity, or anything else, but your questioning doesn’t impugn their validity.

            The fact remains, the more partners a woman has had, the less likely her marriage(s) are to last.

            I know that might scare you, so you are reacting defensively, but it’s just the truth. It’s not a “try”, it’s simply a fact. I’m sure /your/ marriage will be different though. :)

          • Torontochick

            I am asking you to state your sources. Because right now it sounds a lot like, “It’s true because I say it is.”
            http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/the-myth-of-the-high-rate-of-divorce/all/1/ “…for college educated women who marry after the age of 25 and have established an independent source of income, the divorce rate is only 20 percent!”
            “In fact, white middle-class college-educated women in their twenties are widely recognized by researchers to have more sex partners than any other group of women; the 1995 National Survey of Family Growth reports that women in these three categories (of race, income and education) have the highest proportions of four or more partners over their lifetimes (39).”http://karmak.org/archive/2002/10/portrait.html

            So this research would directly indicate that the women who sleep with the most men and marry late have the lowest divorce rate. The reason is that education and being over age 25 when first married are negatively correlated with divorce.

          • altamera74

            Your source was concerned with the myth of high rate of divorce in general, and was not studying the relatively high incidences of higher divorce amongst women with more sexual partners. The source material is quite easy to find. Have you heard of Google?

            I am referencing a paper directly concerned with the subject, “Premarital Sex, Premarital Cohabitation, and the Risk of Subsequent Marital Dissolution Among Women.”

            If perhaps you had read my posts below from last year, where I referenced this study, you wouldn’t have made the invalid assumption that I believe something is true “because I say it is.”

            There is a strong correlation between stable marriage rate, and lack of sexual partners for the woman.

            Perhaps you should actually, you know, read comments on the thread that you are responding to before making assumptions.

          • Torontochick

            You are referencing a single paper? Well, since it’s your sole source, perhaps you could post it so we could examine the methodology, whether it’s been peer reviewed, etc.?
            Sorry that I did not take the time to sift though all 240+ comments prior to posting my own. I do have a job and a life. Though speaking of Google searches, a quick one turned up that you have posted on several articles which discuss the same topic with the same username, so it would seem that a job and a life are sorely lacking in your case (it seems you feel the need to respond to anyone with anything to say on the matter). Obsessed much? I recommend a highly-qualified psychiatrist.

          • altamera74

            That is one source, directly addressing the issue. It’s more than you have.

            If you want to examine the paper, look it up yourself. Again, have you heard of Google? It comes in handy. Maybe if you learn to use it, you won’t have to ask other people to do your work for you.

            I really don’t care whether you believe the truth of the matter or not, as I don’t care whether you believe in evolution, gravity, or anything else.

            And yes, I enjoy educating the ignorant, such as yourself, on such topics. Some of us have led quite successful lives, and have leisure time. Some, such as yourself possibly, don’t have the save freedoms.

            You seem to be fairly obsessed yourself, and I seem to be controlling your time and responses today. :)

            Perhaps you should take your own advice. Oh, and learn how to use Google.

          • Torontochick

            Yep! I definitely CAN Google which is how I know that you were harassing anyone who posted on this article as well: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2011/10/what_s_your_number_do_women_still_fret_about_the_number_of_peopl.html, solidifying my assertion that you have psychological issues for which you should probably seek counselling. Speaking of lazy, I have looked over the study which you were apparently too lazy to just hyperlink to yourself after being asked to twice http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/3600089?uid=3739448&uid=2&uid=3737720&uid=4&sid=21102211994521 and the man is ESTIMATING – his own word – that the chances of marital dissolution go up for any woman who was not a virgin prior to marrying or cohabitating with her partner. I hate to have to point out common sense to you, but obviously. Women who are virgins when they marry are not usually from liberal Western culture, theirs is a culture that encourages stoning for divorce or infidelity. Compare apples to apples, Crazy Obsessed Man. The fact remains that the women with the lowest divorce rate in our liberal Western culture (not an alien culture or religion) are those who are more educated, higher income earners and marry later. The divorce rate in the US has been declining since 1982 along with the marriage rate, and cohabitation is a big reason for it. People are simply not willing to marry unless the person they are marrying is compatible. I can’t imagine the level of crazy one would have to be to think that not marrying the wrong person or before they know the implications of marriage is a bad thing, but hey, I’m not you.

          • Tex

            Touché. I can only hope altamera74 read your reply.

          • altamera74

            Your comment finally got past moderation and was improved. So happy for you.

            Ahh, so nice to hear that you’ve learned how to Google. Excellent.

            I appear to have acquired a stalker. How quaint. I’m very flattered, but not creeped out enough yet to worry about it.

            Ironic that you accuse someone else of being “too lazy” to link you to a study that you can just look up yourself, but didn’t, because you were…well…too lazy.

            And no, the man is not estimating. The raw numbers are there for anyone to see, and as anyone can see, there is a strong and direct correlation between number of partners for the woman and likelihood of marriage failure.

            “People are simply not willing to marry unless they are certain that the person they are marrying is compatible.”

            And women who have slept with a lot of men are simply less likely to be deemed compatible as marriage-material. Common sense.

            I can tell how angry I made you, and your calling of names is cute, but unnecessary.

            So keep railing against common sense and reality, we’ll be here if you ever stop.

          • altamera74

            Your comment finally got past moderation and was improved. So happy for you.

            Ahh, so nice to hear that you’ve learned how to Google. Excellent.

            I appear to have acquired a stalker. How quaint. I’m very flattered, but not creeped out enough yet to worry about it.

            Ironic that you accuse someone else of being “too lazy” to link you to a study that you can just look up yourself, but didn’t, because you were…well…too lazy.

            And no, the man is not estimating. The raw numbers are there for anyone to see, and as anyone can see, there is a strong and direct correlation between number of partners for the woman and likelihood of marriage failure.

            “People are simply not willing to marry unless they are certain that the person they are marrying is compatible.”

            And women who have slept with a lot of men are simply less likely to be deemed compatible as marriage-material. Common sense.

            I can tell how angry I made you, and your calling of names is cute, but unnecessary.

            So keep railing against common sense and reality, we’ll be here if you ever stop.

          • guest 45

            where does it say about the divorce rate comparison, never seen that, but i do know it said that women who are more educated behave more “lower class”

          • Torontochick

            In addition, women residing in the bible belt who marry earlier have the highest divorce rates, about 5% higher than the divorce rate of atheists (who are sexually more permissive, on average): http://atheism.about.com/od/atheistfamiliesmarriage/a/AtheistsDivorce.htm

          • altamera74

            “Statistics do not lie”

            You haven’t listed any statistics relevant to the discussion.

  • Qatadah

    reading this I can see that you only wrote this to make yourself believe that its OK you slept with a 100 guys :)

  • Gabriel Dennis

    It’s like buying a car with 1,000,000 miles on the odometer lol!!!

  • Adrienne

    Look stephan r watever ur name is.. it DOES matters and you sitting behind a damn screen debating with tha whole world on tha number of men a women sleeps with shouldn’t matter when in reality it does in todays world. I don’t know what planet you come from but aint no way a man would want to wife a woman who has slept with every man in town. I mean you right we shouldn’t judge by tha way I’m a lady but come on get real please no matter wat you say a woman first of all sleeping with over 20+ men shouldn’t expect to be in a healthy good relationship with a man who hasn’t slept around like she does this article is ridiculous for real cause you didn’t mention that a woman should be a woman and have respect for her body and self-respect as a woman period. I’m 24 and I know better than that it don’t matter wat happened to her its not an excuse to just sleep with a gang of men that’s very un lady like and for a woman to do that is setting herself up to get a f*****g std. Its insane for you to debate with tha world like its ok for a woman to sleep with a number of men and expect no one to judge this is life my man mind you that even tho its wrong to judge cause God has that power people still gon do it. Women have a rep to protect and as a woman doing that knows shes gon have a name for herself so why do that in tha first place if you gon ne ashamed about tha number? Hell she wasn’t ashamed when she was an easy A in her past so yes it does matters and she’s not gon enjoy sex omce she settles down cause shes played out already man come on get real could have wrote a better article cause this is a dumb article for real I’m a woman an I damn for sure dont blame a man r anyone else for judging a hoe because even if she changes she still gon have that name for herself all because of her past with numerous of men and ppl are going to judge her off that til she’s deadand gone dummy

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      “Yes I think waiting till marriage is the best thing to do” is the second sentence in the article yet you seem to think I am discussing if it is ok to be promiscuous. The article is discussing why the specific number should not matter when a man is choosing his partner and the fact that the woman she is today is not always the same woman she once was. I do not “expect” anything from people. I am giving my perspective on why they should not judge the woman solely on her past. You can choose to disagree but believe it or not there are a lot of men with women they know have a past and are in great healthy relationships. What is insane to you is not going to be insane to someone else. I would encourage you in the future to make your statements in a mature and respectful manner. Disagreeing is a part of life and I completely understand people will not always agree with my perspective. Judge whoever you want to judge on their past. I choose to try not do that. Thank you for your input.

  • Paola

    What the hell does a woman’s sexuality have to say about her morals and values? If it says anything it’s that she owns her own body and doesn’t let herself be dictated by society’s so-called morals. How about judging a woman by her mind, her intelligence and her kindness? Shame on you all.

    • altamera74

      It’s not a mutually exclusive proposition Paola. Men are perfectly within their rights, when choosing a mate to spend the rest of their lives with and mother their children, to choose a women who is not only kind and intelligent, but also has not lived a life full of promiscuity and whorish behavior.

      A woman can “own her body” without giving it to every Tom, Dick, and Harry who comes along. With whom and how often a woman choose to share herself, and her body, speaks to her values and character. Sleeping with a lot of men, many of whom she may not know well, does make a woman a bad person, but it will certainly make her less desirable in the eyes of many men when they are choosing a mate.

  • Johnny

    Nope that s*** is nasty can’t be with a girl with a body count higher than 4

  • Alex Hardy

    You made some good points but i dont think its fair to tell someone which criteria they can use when deciding on a mate or not… some use someones number of partners while others use looks and others use certain personality traits etc. to each their own

  • mik11

    Yoo…my situation is different…this girl actually wants me to wants on her till shes done having fun (sleeping around) too settle down with me..i thing thats disgusting…and its not worth it. I never wanted her run through thats why i tackled her young…ps shes 20 and im 20..and im a virgin.

  • GM

    Sorry, there are double standards..

    One small example would be crying… Acceptable for women over many small things, not acceptable for men..I doubt many women would be attracted to guys who cried almost daily over any small thing.

    I am pointing out that sex is vastly different for men and women.. That is how we are made.. Even the girl who says she has casual sex without emotions points out the sex she had was with people she was already emotionally connected to, her friends.

    I have found that the most insecure women are the most sexual. Making a guy cum seems to be a quick fix for their insecurities. of course aftewards they feel like trash, or are so cold that they lack feelings completely.

    I have NEVER met a secure, balanced, confident woman who could just have sex, get up, leave, and feel happy never seeing the person again.

    • altamera74

      Well said. Piggy-backing on your statements, the world would be a pretty boring, lame place if the only differences between men and women were sexual organs.

      Many of the “modern” women want to be as promiscuous as they please and then expect men not to judge them for it.

      LMAO.

      How quaint. :)

  • Marina Jackson

    I support this and I agree with this. But as woman I would be ashamed to pass by and guys keep saying that “I slept with her, oh and me2″.. If a woman had many relationships and then relationships failed, this is other thing and issue yes.. I believe is about decency. If you love sex so much, u can have it with the man you believe will stay with u and you have something serious with, something that will not spoil your name.. It’s a bit embarassing.. I am coming from a place that is old-minded and is small island, so something like dis should spoil your name and make u feel embarassed even if for you wasn’t that big deal.. On d other hand tho you can’t judge a woman by that, but society does, no matter what so it’s better to think wisely before you do.

  • Michael L. Mackey

    So I have to make the decision…..do I want her after the wear and tear of 200 men?? or do I want that same wear and tear from sleeping with me 200 times?? Smh Of course I’m gonna take the car with the less “mileage” on it. A woman’s body is different. They brag about it all the time when they want praise for being able to give birth. Not too many women want a man that other women don’t want. So his sexual experience would be plus for him….but a lot of men, they’ll have sex with a woman who’s been ” Around the block”…but most will be hesitant to “Wife” her. Ya’ll remember the movie “House Party”….when Bernie Mac remembered ole boys wife at the dinner table…….smh ” They use to call you jawbones”….lmaaaaaaaaaaaaaao nahhhh….I’ll pass on all that. Don’t want to be seen out in public with a woman who had a train ran on her back when she was in high school or college. And them same niggas see her walking around town with you……..smmfh Hell Naw!!!

  • koko

    I agree with your post for the simple fact, people are always passing judgement on someone life and all of us are born imperfect. Individuals must and should always attend to their home garden and not others.

    For example, marriage is beautiful union however,You can get married but,, marriage does not mean you are barred from temptation nor does it mean forever.

    We will not live forever and we are of the flesh. Unless, an individual has medical issues I don’t feel
    A person exposing the number of past partners has nothing to do with the present moments situation.

    • altamera74

      Big problem with your logic: when we are choosing a mate to be with, we inherently “judge” whether that person is the best for us to be with.

      “A person exposing the number of past partners has nothing to do with the present moments situation.”

      The choices a person makes in life reflect upon that individual’s character, and /everything/ is in the past, once the moment passes, so yes, how many people someone chooses to give their body to, and under what circumstances, certainly reflects upon that individual.

      • koko

        I agree to disagree on your comment. That’s it!

        • altamera74

          No problem. I think you may be just saying what you think “sounds right” or politically correct, without actually thinking through the implications.

          By your logic, if we make no judgments on our potential mates, and the past doesn’t matter, it should not matter if our potential mate was a child rapist for 20 years, as long as s/he isn’t “currently” raping children.

          After all, the past is the past, and none of us are perfect, and who are we to judge, right?

          By your logic, nothing matters, and we should all turn our brains off.

  • NoSaintButIDontPose

    I think it’s best to know what you’re dealing with but at the same it doesn’t matter because who they are today should speak volumes. I was “promiscuous” in 9th-10th grade. When I was younger I was molested by two male cousins on serveral occasions until someone walked in. After my grandmother died things weren’t the same. Then on my 15th bday I was raped by someone I didn’t even know was watching me as child. So not every loose girl is just doing it for fun. Not only wasn’t my dad in my life basically I got to the point where I was screwing a man using me I was gon do the using. I still deal with the pain but I am far from the promiscuous young girl. So the past could be the the reason they have a story to tell. Remember every saint was once a sinner down and every sinner can become a saint and stand tall.

  • Seriously The Truth

    Most women nowadays like sleeping around with all different kinds of men, and just can’t settle for one.

  • TW

    Much more women than ever are sleeping around these days.

  • King Levi II

    This is a touchy subject.. Everyone is different. I never agreed with the “can’t turn a hoe into a housewife” Because a man being a player is just a nice word for manwhore. This is what society gets for sexual liberation. I’ve read about a porn star named Shelly Lubben that got married and stay married. I’m sick of the who are we to judge mentality.. We judge very often. Our wisdom is a form a judgement…. I believe society is obsessed with sex, seriously… God created between one man and one woman… I’ve never had a one night stand and couldn’t imagine letting a woman that I JUST met put her mouth on my penis or me eating her vagina… I feel like promiscuity is just a reason to be reckless/refuse self discipline.. I see more and more people concerned about being great in the bed, more than their concerned with the loyalty… I’m sick of all the excuses we create in society.. Diseases are incredibly rampant.. I swear this world has turned into Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.. Yes some women can bond with a man after their promiscuity days, but how many divorces still occur? We’re too focused on entertainment, being cool.. I understand more and more why God restricted it to marriage. I believe the average male has a high sex drive, created to be the leader/pursuer.. Yes a woman’s body is a masterpiece, etc… The promiscuity/emotional baggage/spiritual damage/ and possible std’s is it really worth it? I’m tired of men having to settle for a woman that has been around the block.. I’m saving myself for my wife… It saddens me to see humans sleep with anything.. Men and women are worth more than that… Smh -_-

  • Ramis Wells

    I must have placed my comment in the wrong area so I’ll place it here too.

    First let me say that I really like the advice that you post even though I occasionally disagree with your views, the vast majority of the time (92-97%) I feel that your advice perfectly sums up the solution that is going to bring about the best results.

    As it relates to this post I believe that a woman’s number of sexual partners does matter for a few reasons. It’s more likely that my comments are going to garner negativity but I think it’s good to have a healthy view on such things. Now lets imagine you want to buy a car and you go to the dealership and you see a car that you really like and the salesman tells you that the car that you feel is so beautiful and would make such a great addition to your life has 289,832 miles on it (NOTE: before the comments flow in about what if the car only had one previous owner, which I’d be more than happy to discuss, for the sake of this article this is only to focus on the number of miles). Would you REALLY want to buy that car after you heard that? If you’re honest more than likely you wouldn’t. Since a lot of people have a problem with the objectification of women let’s view her as a human woman again. A lot of men would have a problem respecting and trusting a woman that is currently on or has been on the “hoe stroll” as you call it. I completely agree with you that a woman’s sexual health (i.e. whether or not she has a(n) std(s)) is very important concerning the number of partners that she’s had but if a woman tells a man that she’s slept with 3 men and neglects to add the 0 at the end of that, she’s being dishonest and that violates the principle of another post that you made (4 keys to starting and maintaining a successful relationship) previously. No one should be lied to in a relationship. Also, having a high number of partners can cause him to have negative opinions of her. Personally, I think that men and women should strive to have a lower number of sexual partners but I don’t think that women should try to act like men in the thinking that having numerous partners is a good thing. Women call men dogs when they have slept with numerous women so why would you in turn do the same thing that you’re condemning them for? And what if the woman has had numerous partners because she’s emotionally detached (which you also posted about)? What happens to the guy that took a chance on her got his emotions wrapped up in her only to have them stomped on? Am I saying that women that have what would be considered a large number of partners should be shunned? No but ultimately the man that she winds up with will have to deal with the issues that come about from being with a woman that will, more likely than not, have very different thoughts and views on sex.

  • LR

    Men throwing themselves at women is acceptable in society.

  • Brandon

    LoL! What a feminist wet dream Maybe it should not matter but it does.
    There is a double standard and it’s not going away any time soon. For good or bad
    ever since the sexual revolution the chances for marriage in Western society have declined and it’s exactly because of the easy availability of “poontang”( and the attitude of divorce court towards men).Should not matter ? Men cannot be “shamed” or lectured into accepting women or marriage if the don’t want to. Women lie about their past(and men know it) and Men in turn lie about love and marriage . Nice try though.

  • Telling The Truth

    Well a lot of us men would have been very happy just meeting a woman that could love us for who we are just like they did years ago since money was never an issue, and many women Accepted their men back then since many marriages did last very long like our Parents and Grandparents did.

  • Really True

    Sad to say that women nowadays are sleeping around more than men do.

  • LR

    It means women can never have freedoms to make decisions at all. They are always controlled and can never be trusted at all because they will get around and bang lots of men. Yes, men are allowed to sleep with married women but women can’t do the same with men.

  • LR

    Women can sleep with men to get what they want and then dump them.

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