They cheated on you before so they will cheat on you again right? They have cheated on past partners so what will stop them from doing the same to you? I mean once a cheater always a cheater…or maybe not. Society loves to say “nobody is perfect” but if you dare make a mistake many will try to define you by that mistake for the rest of your life. Why should they believe otherwise. In the eyes of many, cheating is ingrained in the DNA of men.
A woman who cheats has it already in her heart to be a cheater as far as some are concerned. There is nothing you can do about it. Especially when that person has already shown a willingness to cross that line. Your self proclaimed “I gave them everything they needed” won’t stand a chance when you are dealing with a cheater.
Personally I don’t buy into any of this. Well at least not in a general way. I do not believe everyone that cheats just has some undeniable thirst for stepping out on their partner. As a relationship coach I have seen countless scenarios involving a cheater and the underlying issues can vary. Yes there are plenty of blatant cheaters. Individuals who were never taking the relationship serious to begin with. They simply want somebody at their convenience and will always look to add more individuals that are willing to provide the benefits they desire. In many cases a woman sniffs out the blatant cheater but she will ignore the scent. She will deny her intuition and still act surprised when the truth is revealed on the surface. A man on the other hand isn’t as sharp when it comes to realizing he is with a blatant cheater. It’s not an insult to men but we are not typically as intuitive as women and women are great at covering their tracks. Yet and still some will see the signs (may even have their friends screaming the truth in their ear) but the man chooses to ignore it. In these cases that cheater is just a cheater. They have no interest in being serious and would likely run from the person they would want something greater with because they know they aren’t ready. Sometimes they still try to “make it work” but their behavior usually shows a person who simply is not ready for a serious relationship. With the blatant cheater there is nothing anyone can do about their willingness to cheat.
In other cases you have the vulnerable cheater. This is not a person who truly “wants” to cheat like the blatant cheater does. What they want is for their partner to be the person they need/hope for them to be. They have embraced being in a serious and committed relationship but a void currently exists. For many women it may be emotional neglect. For many men it may be sexual neglect. It can be vice versa but one way or another a need/desire is likely not being fulfilled by their partner. There are cases where the void is independent of their partner and stems from other issues. With that void not being addressed they become vulnerable and it becomes very easy for someone else to come along in an attempt to “step in”. This is not validation or an excuse, but this is an explanation. We can all say “if you aren’t happy then just leave” and I completely agree. The best choice is to address the issue or to accept that maybe the relationship needs to end. Unfortunately many who find themselves in this situation do not view it as cut and dry. To them they may not have truly intended to cross that line but being vulnerable and in the wrong place can create some very regretful results. From there some realize the mistake and don’t try to cross it again. while others get so caught up in it that they no longer are the vulnerable cheater. They have now become the blatant cheater who doesn’t value their relationship like they once did.
This topic deserves a much longer and deeper discussion. There is much more to it but because this is a blog I have to cut it short. Ultimately cheating is never the best way to handle things. It is a decision that can have an extremely negative impact on the lives of many. People should learn to take a better approach to their unhappiness or the fact that they are unwilling to be committed to that person. I just want people to understand that not all cheating is the same. Yes it still boils down to that individual making a choice but to ignore what plays into that choice being made doesn’t allow us to improve on this issue. The blatant cheater can mature and eventually find a person that they will cherish a relationship with. The vulnerable cheater can accept a mistake was made and if the issue is properly address never cross that line again with their partner. So a cheater isn’t always a cheater. Also I know many don’t want to hear this but when you are the one that has been cheated on just be mindful of your contribution to the issue. Did you ignore the fact that you knew this person wasn’t best for you? Did you ignore the fact that you neglected them emotionally or sexually? To only focus on their offense will likely set yourself up for the negative cycle to continue.
26 thoughts on “Once A Cheater Not Always A Cheater”
Oh yes, I do see your point ‘not always a cheater’ but for me personally, once the trust and honesty has been broken then that’s the end of the matter. It wouldn’t be so bad if the person openly stated that they didn’t want a relationship with you then went on their merry way, but to continue to lie and deceive you until the cheater is exposed is no way to treat anyone.
Should a person really accept that they contributed to the other person cheating when in fact the cheater had choices and made choices? If you really held sex back from your partner, should you really be blamed for the other persons behavior? Or should the culprit take responsibility for what they had done? Just thinking aloud now.
I completely understand your position. To carry on an affair that they only confess to because they were exposed is tough to deal with. In some situations the cheater doesn’t actually want the relationship to end but they are looking to fill a void. In the minds of some it is just temporary but many get caught up and the cheating just continues.
I do believe a person should look at how they may have contributed to the issue. It does not excuse the cheater in any way but we should all be mindful of our actions. Some people always find themselves being cheated on and one of those reasons is because they refuse to evaluate themselves when these situations occur. The choice is still on the cheater but there are lessons to be learned for both parties involved.
i like this
Great post Stephan, and #Salute for pointing out that we should FIRST take a look at what we contribute to a cheating partner. That should be applied across the board with our significant other. Many times the victim will always hold onto that first episode, and have that “silent voice” nagging them. That can change the whole environment, and cause friction, stress. This is apart from the decision to remain in the relationship. If the decision is to remain, then you MUST not believe your companion is going to be a cheater. All you’re doing then is staying there for the children, the money, the perks, or whatever justification you make and you are tolerating the behavior.
If I anger my woman and she decides to go and lay with another man, I will look at my part but NOT accept her decision to go and screw around. That is different from going out with her girls, spend money, get drunk, and I get no sex for a week (ouch). She can do that openly, and even throw it in my face; COOL. I’ll deal with that. Going and calling an old flame, or the brother that works in the office building next door for drinks to have a few drinks, and opening that box? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Break it down; You have to lie, deceive, arrange, sneak, and do your dirt in hiding. that doesn’t label you as a lifelong cheater, but nonetheless, that’s the extreme. So my choice is to close that door on you. If the victim of unfaithfulness decides to cheat for vengeance, that’s just stirring up a serious snake pit, and does not equal to solving the problem either.
If the cheating comes from a prolonged period of unhappiness with me, then there’s a serious lack of communication we should have handled. That might be more acceptable, but again I look at my part and don’t think I’ll do something to make you go and cheat. Let’s face it, physical plays a part. He might not have the six-pack from our 20’s, or your ass might sag some but that’s gravity. I take care of my body, and want my woman to do the same. Money problems? Is screwing around gonna pay?
This can go on but I’m of the opinion that the victim needs to look at their contribution to the offense. Even if he/she decides to end the relationship they will learn about what they could’ve done differently. If they look at their part in the matter, then decide to continue then by all means do not paint a scarlet letter across your lover’s forehead! If you do, you will be miserable for as long as you remain there. The decision to erase that is for your benefit and mental health, not theirs.
Have a BLESSED EASTER
MO
Wow…that’s what I say to this. I have been on both sides of this topic. I cheated and I have been cheated on.
When I was 6 or7 years old. I always wanted something I couldn’t have.
At ten I watched women stay in marriages that were unhealthy.
At 21 I vowed to get whatever I wanted, when I wanted it and not take not shit off of no man.
I had a plan…ha! I turned thirty and wanted to try Love & monogamy. ..not knowing the issues I grew up with had made a dangerous impact in my decision making process. As in marrying a man that wanted me to be wait a year without sex until he came back from Hawaii due to the Army had station him there. Of course that didn’t happen. Issues run deep in people….most of the time we overlook the issues for instant gratification…and greed..and lastly. .power and prestige. People will try to feel the void with anything that makes them feel good. Anything not to deal or face the issues at hand.
I’m in this situation as well. We were in a bad spot, we were always fighting. He apparently had some other personal things going on with him. I kept reaching out trying to talk to him, to figure out what was wrong. After trying for weeks – no avail, I let him. He went on a month long trip, did not contact me once. About 2 weeks after he comes back, he calls me to apologize for suddenly disappearing. He said he didn’t know how to handle it all blah blah blah. We were texting a few days later, he told me he slept with someone while he was on his trip and that he felt bad. That we were in a bad place, he was in a bad place and we were hadn’t talked for a month. We didn’t talk because he wasn’t reaching out, not because I wasn’t reaching out. I wanted to talk to him so bad, but after weeks of trying and failing, I let him be.
I feel like he isn’t accepting his responsibility. Our relationship didn’t just end up in a weird place. He was a participant to that. That we hadn’t talked for a month was his fault – I tried to reach out, messaging him once a week for almost 6 weeks.
I was willingly to get back with him and iron our issues out, but I don’t know how to deal with the cheating part. He says he is sorry, but then again all this is in text messaging. He has never apologized to my hearing. I think he has been done with the relationship, but didn’t know how to end it.
Feels like a part of me died. Hurts so much
My now ex cheated on his wife numerous times,fell madly 4 me,cheated on me and lost me numerous times,has been and currently still is obsessed with me yet still continues 2 cheat on me,so my opinion,some ppl cheat and will always cheat,nothing will change them
Is there such a thing as a Serial Cheater and would that be considered a addiction
Some would say yes, but in my opinion I don’t believe so. They may be addicted to sex, but addicted to cheating itself is less likely. I won’t say it isn’t possible, but typically the addiction or issue is something other than a constant desire to cheat.
I was told by a serial cheater that the reason he cheats is because he just wants to see how wet different girls vagina gets. I personally think that he was molested as a child but he won’t ever admit that. He says I’m the love of his life but he just couldn’t help wanting to try having sex with different girls.
Wow Shayla that sound so familiar he said he love me the same way jet he also said that he can’t help it but do it I think is all b.s. he said he is sick and needs help I think that to is bs
I asked my EX if his mother ever did anything to him and he said “I don’t know I really don’t”, cause she is an alcoholic, and so was his Dad ( who died when he was 62), and his Grandma was too……that’s why it hurts so bad when I see my kids still drinking they are 30, 28, and 27…….my Dad who died at 52, was an alcholic, and so did his Mom and Dad………and My brother was molested and he is a total mess…….he’s pretty much left our family out of his life……
I believe so…..I looked it up on the internet after I divorced, and all he had done to me, begging to go to strip clubs,or wanting me to go the the bar and pick up another person, or wanting to do funcky sexual things, which all of these I never did except go to a strip club cause he was driving me crazy, and I walked out within 5 min.s, disgusting…….but on the internet it said something in their lifetime they were either molested or something traumatized them???????
Great piece. I cover a lot of this information in my book.
Well put! The damage is still the same git the most part. Do you have any blogs about meddling mother in laws or men who choose their mothers over their wives, men who suffer from fatherless emptiness? Come on Stephan help these guys out, speak the real please.
Well said. I also feel that once you’ve played the field and finally found someone who you have good communication with, honesty, trust, & good chemistry then there is no reason to keep cheating if you have everything you want in that relationship. #speakingfromexpereince.
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I
,I just want to get your perspective on what I went through. My Ex and I were together for 26 years. I was 19 he was 16. When he left for college I told him I thought maybe we should break up since there would be a lot of challenges for him to be faithful, and he said NO WAY…..cause I had a guy I really cared about from High School, and he lived close by….anyway to try and put it in a nutshell, every school he taught at, and was principal at he was “on the Line”, and had to go to counseling, and it was for drinking, and now that I know about the last 2 times he cheated, I’m sure he was doing it all throughout my marriage. I tried my best to make our family healthy, and I did not want the cycle to go on with my kids. But we divorced in 2004, and my youngest son was the one who read an open email, the was from his “friend”, and to this day I don’t know what it said, but it was the night of my oldest son’s graduation and we had a party, but I said No booze in the house…..but the neighbors supplied the booze so it was useless for me to try to keep the kids from drinking. But anyway,”she shows up” and my son asked who she was and they said her name, and the next thing I knew, I went upstairs to visit guests, and here my son and his Dad were Wrestling,or so I thought, but my son had his legs wrapped around his Dad and was beating the shit out of him…….and my husband had his fist clenched and said “I’m going to kill him”, and I stepped on his hand and I said No your not…….and it took 4 guys to get him off of him……I didn’t find out til I actually went over to my friends house and told her to tell me EVERYTHING……so she did. I filed for divorce, he took all the furntiure, saying we would get back together after the kids graduated, so I was left in an apt. with 2 of my 3 kids, my oldest went off to college. So after court I ended up with alimony, he had to pay all outstanding debts, and I got half his retirement, and he had to pay my lawyer fees…….I found out that he had affair after affair, and how the hell did I not know?????? He always said he was going to a principals meeting, or always had an excuse that made sense to me……..now he married the other woman, and has a quarter million dollar house, swimming pool, but she has an autistic boy who’s 14, and he’s doing odd behaviors to where I told my daughter I refuse to let her let my granddaughter stay down there in that situation. And I know my kids love me, and she will never be a mother to them, but now how is it that he does everything for her, vaccums, cleans, mows the lawn, does the laundry, etc. and he didn’t do anything for me. I gave him sex all the time, but he wanted to do bizarre things which I refused to do!!!! I feel he has a alcohol/sex addiction????? And my oldest son had left for college so he really didn’t know what all we went through/ he’d call and want me to meet him at motels and he’d pay me!??? haha which I didn’t….but my son walked her down the aisle before he did me, she was involved with everything, and her family was invited to the wedding and mine wasn’t (long story there too), and I left after the supper…….It was all her family and his Dad’s friends, and her family and friends……..they accept her as part of the family and I don’t understand how??? Not that I want them to be hateful, or non caring, but they don’t treat me as well as they should,( my son and his wife)…..so I’ll leave it at this and let me know if I’m over reacting and how should I handle these situations???? She (out of respect) should of stepped back and not done what she did??????
I am here trying to figure out i contributed to a man cheating? Been cheated on twice others were jus bad breakups dont knw of they had cheated. But for tje two cheaters in my life… I have never denied them of sex or neglect them emotionally… Never! in fact i think i show too much care, love n understanding. So they are jus blatant cheaters!
True a man can even cheat u via these networks inboxes whatsapps bbm twoo so manymore u name it
Thanks Stephen… How about someone who cheated and realised he made a mistake, but asks you to hold on till he fixes it while he still sees the person he cheated with. Is he vulnerable or blatant? Has he really regretted? To the best of my knowledge, a cheater who has regretted will not ask for a break whiles he dates the other person to fix things. Once you regret, you apologise to the other party and move on with your partner. I don't know if I'm right…
I didn't expect this concept to be this accurate. If the situation continues to be like this then its better to stay away from all these unmeaningful relationships. Read this article on how a cheater tends to cheat repetitively in his life https://www.daawn.com/once-a-cheater-always-a-repeater-a-proven-study/
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