Reasons Your Husband Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With You - Expert Advice

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There’s A Reason Your Husband Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With You:

Posted by Stephan Labossiere in Advice for Women, Intimacy, Marriage | 41 comments
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husband wont have sex with his wife

I’m browsing the internet one day looking to see what pops up when I Google my book “How To Get A Married Woman To Have Sex With You…If You’re Her Husband”. I come across this article titled Reasons Why A Husband Does Not Want To Have Sex With His Wife. I figured I’d give it a read since it is an issue I have been asked about and plan to touch on in my next book in the series. It was very interesting to see what was listed as the reasons and there was a lot of truth to it. I decided I wanted to do a blog on this topic and put in my own two cents. So below, I will list the reasons the article stated and respond with my views to it.

1. He is depressed and not feeling like he wants to have sex

I don’t know about you but a lot of men I know would love some sex when they’re feeling down. Part of his depression might be due to lack of sex he has already been previously experiencing with his wife. Now I’m not saying there isn’t some level of truth to this but I believe at times it is deeper than that. In a lot of cases he may be using his “depression” as an excuse because there are other more genuine reasons why he doesn’t want to “tap that ass” : ). I have seen men get into a “funk” and not want to be bothered with anything. I do believe that many can still be seduced into “giving it up” if you know the right buttons to push. If he is clinically depressed then that is a completely different story and that should be tended to accordingly.

2. He is no longer attracted to his wife

Now this I completely agree with. The article mentions how nagging, always putting him down, and just being an overall BIATCH (I figured the “iatch” would make the word less vulgar) contributes to a man desiring his wife less. She also correctly points out that weight gain and changes in appearance contribute to the issue. I know a lot of women & some men who like to believe that love should be unconditional and not contingent on how much you weigh and I agree. The problem isn’t love though its sex and sex for a lot of men is not as connected to love as it is for women. A man can love you forever but putting on many undesirable pounds of weight (key word undesirable, become some men may like the extra weight) will make it harder for him to sexually desire you. So please do not get the two confused. Also if your going to throw unconditional love in his/her face then look in the mirror and ask yourself why your love for him/her and for yourself isn’t strong enough to want to look your best and be healthier. I know it can be tough for many but shouldn’t there be more effort in many cases. Let that thought marinate :  ).

3. He may be having an affair 

Unfortunately I would have to agree that this is a possibility. I do not think it is the reason you should first explore, but when all else fails then this should be looked at. I cannot condone cheating on your wife for any reason. I can though raise the point that if he is having one, there is a good chance that your actions or lack thereof have contributed to this occurring. Before you get all up in arms, I want to reiterate that an affair is never right. We as people just have to be willing to be accountable for how we contributed to the issue. I believe if the other reasons that have been listed and will be listed in this blog are remedied than it will go a long way in decreasing the chances of an affair occurring. That person is dead wrong for stepping outside the marriage, but you have to accept that you are also dead wrong for not being the wife/husband that you are supposed to be and that they needed you to be. Side Note: the affair he may be having might be with himself. As in masturbation people. If he is engaging in that too much, it can definitely contribute to him feeling less concerned with initiating or accepting sexual contact with you. So that may need to be discussed.

4. He could be gay

Or maybe you turned him gay?…No. I personally do not believe a woman can turn a man into being gay. He probably always had desires that he hasn’t known what to do with, or just flat-out living a double life that you were completely unaware of. Either way, it has nothing to do with the woman in my personal opinion. With that said, yes this reason could be true but again I believe it should be one of the last reasons you explore. Let me add that if you choose to openly use the gay card, and you’re wrong, you can do a lot of damage to your marriage. So please, even if you’re thinking it, be very careful in how you look into it. Because if you wrongly accuse him you may end up with a new issue on your hands.

6. He has an undiagnosed medical condition

Yeah it’s called “imsickandtiredofherass-asitis” : ). Seriously, I do not want to dismiss the possibility of there actually being a medical condition. The article mentions a few possibilities, and if the man honestly can’t put his finger on what the problem is then definitely go get checked out. Now let’s revisit “imsickandtiredofherass-asitis”. Understand that if you have been married for many years, and you have repeatedly shut this man down when he wanted sex, you can’t expect that now that you’re ready to be consistent that he is going to be all over it. You have programmed him for letdown, disappointment, and/or very mediocre sex that wasn’t worth it when he finally did get it from you. That can very well put him in a place where he just doesn’t care much anymore. He doesn’t want to bother with the process or lackluster results. He may then turn to other ways of getting his satisfaction (see #3). One way or the other it is not a good thing and you’re going to have to put in some consistent work to change his programming.

7. Weight gain and unhealthy eating

This is absolutely true. It is a fact that higher fat percentages can lower a man’s libido. If he is gaining weight and eating bad, then he is probably out of shape and therefore is too tired to deal with sex regularly (too much work). Throw in the fact that a man’s testosterone levels start to decrease after a certain age and that only makes it worse. I definitely believe if you can get him to buy into taking better care of himself and getting in better shape, that it will increase the desire for sexual activity and his ability to perform at a higher level.

Last but not least.

8. You’re not as good as you think you are:

Sorry to drop that bomb on you ladies, but it needs to be said. The article I read did not include this reason but I’m trying to be as honest with you as possible. Society constantly talks about a man’s lack of performance, and jokes about it all the time (I admit it can be amusing at times lol sorry guys).When it comes to women, you really don’t hear it as much, but that doesn’t mean the problem isn’t as real. I understand that some men don’t need much to be satisfied sexually, but when you’re married and been together for a while, those sub par performances eventually just aren’t going to cut it. It is time to step your game up, throw in some new moves, and do some more things that he will like but isn’t used to you doing. One thing can be to show more passion and be more into it. I understand that how much your into it has a lot to do with what he is or isn’t doing (in and out the bedroom), but you have to try to be more passionate and engaged in the experience. It’s great that you are now at a point where you want more sex, but the key is having good sex. This will give him the push he needs to be more consistent, and desire you more, as well as help keep you motivated and willing to participate.

So there you have it, I hope this sheds some light on the issue for the many of you suffering from this. There are a lot more women than we think that are dealing with this problem. It isn’t cool when a wife or husband is being sexually deprived. It can open doors to worse things and eventually destroy that marriage. So though I make jokes from time to time this is a serious issue that I would like to see improved. Better relationships will contribute to better marriages, which then contributes to a better society. Sex is an important part of that equation, so let’s do what’s necessary to make things right.

 

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

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  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_EAZ7PJVCKZVTX7RTBWTTRPBL3E wiggens

    My husband wants nothing to do with me. We have been married 45 years and that was the last time we had sex. Day After wedding night he went right back to work and he chose the midnight shift. Then he moved all his things down to the basement and thats where hes been all these years. I told him this is not how a marriage should be. He said we had sex once and that was enough for him, it was way to much work, wasn’t at all exciting, has no meaning and disgusting and messy. So all these years hes lived like a hermit, goes no where, hasn’t any friends, no TV, phone, or computer. Just stays cooped up in his shop making things, and working on his old junky car. I’ve been frustrated,confused, angry, depressed, unwanted and lonely.I only hung in here for the money he made and the medical benefits. I should have left him but I was young, stupid and I made a mistake by marrying the evil person.

    • RelationshipExpert

      Wow, I have to admit Wiggens I have never heard a story quite like yours before. I know of couples that haven’t had sex in many years, but for 45yrs and not since the wedding night, that is interesting. There is so much I want to say and ask, so if you don’t mind email me at contact@StephanL.com  

    • Established0589

      Wow, I’m afraid to get married. I don’t understand why he didn’t file a divorce if he felt that way. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Us women deserve so much better.

      • RelationshipExpert

        Don’t be afraid to get married, just take this as a lesson to be more aware of the person you choose to marry. 

    • Tash

      how can you stay married to someone like that? Marriage is about reciprocity. Money is not everything!
      Great article Stephan!

      • StephanLabossiere

        It is unfortunate, but trust me she isn’t the only one…Thank you

    • Lcisinc

      That’s impossible! I don’t believe you. Is your husband gay? There’s more to this than your telling. You sticked around for the money? I don’t feel sorry for you..

    • Mosesjustmoses

       That seems like a serious case of clinical depression. I’m not making an excuse for him. I know a very intelligent man, loved his wife, and behaved like that for 2 years. Now, he sought treatment, and they are together, 40 years.  I would do something about that, it’s never too late to start again. Believe me!

  • http://twitter.com/TerrillCharming Terrill #nXtGt

    Pretty accurate

    • StephanLabossiere

      Thanks Terrill

  • Zarny03

    You seem to enjoy putting down women, most of your blogs cconsist of you speaking about women in a derogatory , whilst u address some real issues you come across quite offensively at times.

    • StephanLabossiere

      I understand how you may feel I “Enjoy putting down woman” but I think if you really took the time to read all of my blogs you may not feel that way anymore. Also this article isn’t about putting down woman, these are real issues and real complaints. I am the same way with the men and I try to be fair with it. It’s just that I address one gender at a time, so in a specific article I may come across as being hard on one gender. Some articles I am a little harsh and I apologize that it comes across as offensive, because my intention is not to offend. I encourage you to read more articles such as “Ways To Show Her I Love You” and others. I am confident your view of me will change 

  • Ginger

    This article was a good read, and a fresh look at some research I have
    done for myself. I have been married for 7 years, and this is one of the
    reasons I left my husband 6 months ago. In those 7 years, we have went
    9-10 months without any intimacy. The only reason he could offer is “he
    just didn’t want too. For years, I thought it was someone else, he had a
    medical issue and just didn’t want to say, or just didn’t desire me
    anymore. Finally, I said I deserve better and to be fulfilled in every
    aspect of marriage.  

    • StephanLabossiere

      I’m sorry to hear that things went the way they did. These droughts on no intimacy happens much more often then people think. It is a shame, but hopefully this trend can change for more couples.

  • Shariffgold

    this is absolute right

  • Pooblyshus39

    The bomb is TRUTH, so drop it when and where you need to. When you said (“Society constantly talks about a man’s lack of performance”) That in itself can stop a man from wanting his wife. The women I’ve seen make themselves look ugly to their spouses because of the teasing and jokes about their husband’s performance and/ or duration.  Women have flaws just like men. And ppl dont think about how others feel. “Yes this is my wife/husband and they know that I’m just playing!!”..It doesnt matter. All the same you could be hurting their feelings… I dont think they talk about where the women lack because the men know that the woman will keep the GOODS from them..lol. And a lot of men dont want that to happen:-)~smile~

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=25503923 Bruce Vann

    Good article.

  • Lcisinc

    Your articles are based on secular relationships; you put the responsibility on women & it’s our job to always look good & give the man great sex.. I’m wondering what are your relatinshipS like? Are you happily married?

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      It is obvious by your comment that you have not read enough of my articles and are coming to a conclusion based on the few you have read. I completely understand that but I encourage you to continue reading and let’s see if you still feel the same way. I also have a book out which is my first, and it clearly speaks to the men and what they need to be doing for their women. I just like to speak to one gender at a time, so if you only read certain articles it will come off as me putting all the responsibility on the women and vice versa. Check out my article “You can’t change her, you have to embrace her” and there are many others you can look at as well. I am confident your perception of me will change.

  • Ndomnic

    What a crock. a majority of the reasons make the man look like a selfish asshole. Maybe your husband doesn’t want to have sex cause you have had sex to much for too long and now it’s mountainous 

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Would you not think that if a man is refusing to have sex with his wife that the reasons may come from a selfish or unhappy place. He isn’t going to reject her out of love in a situation like this. Now you make a good point, but that plays in to the sex not being as good as she thinks it is. Many couples get bored but the reality is that there is so much they have not tried that could possibly breath some life into their sexual relations. 

      • Kh8377

        As far as your last point, men need to know how to pleasure a woman as well. When you talk about women not being good in bed I can tell you from experience its usually the man who has absolutely no idea what the heck he is doing. Pornography has a lot to do with this, heavy thrusting and fast rabbit pumping does not feel good. There is no rhythm in that for a woman to be “good” with, so if a man wants great sex with a woman and wants her to be responsive he must first ask her what she likes and HOW she likes it. If she hasn’t explored her body this could be difficult but communication is key to the issue you brought up, explore each other and sex will be great, Make LOVE and stop F–ing.

        • Dr Lodge 85

          Your are talking some real stuff!

  • Mosesjustmoses

    LMAO! Stephan, I just saw this on your TL. I’m an early riser, so its too late for me to comment but rest assured first thing once I get in the office!

  • mosesmoses

    I agree with all of your points Stephan. One point I did not see was how the man might be just worn, and not have a supporting spouse, or a spouse that understands his role.  The former, oh well, but the latter is not a stab at women. I’ve been around a minute, and have seen ignorance be a brick wall. I STRONGLY believe in the man having certain roles in the house, as well as the wife. That’s not saying each of us should switch responsibilities when needed. In the traditional family, the husband is supposed to be, correction, SHOULD BE a strong emotional supporter, spiritual partner, physical security provider, role model, and if at all possible financial provider to the point if the wife decides to stay home after childbirth to rear the children, maybe allow for that. That’s just between husband-wife. Then he better be able to put it down in the bedroom, or be left alone on the wetspot, and have funny stares from her sorors when they come over to watch Housewives. These roles cannot be delegated. Bring in the children, he must be an example of what a man should be for his son, and an example of the man he wants his daughter to marry. Hopefully he has a wife that feels & does the same. The man has that position. It’s ours, period. And even though we have that big ‘S” on our chest, we might be struggling with saving the world, and then going to work in the house. Add this role, and then add the points listed.
    NuffSaid

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Agreed, it kind of falls into “Imsickandtiredofherass-asitis” but you brang up more of the emotional component. I think sometimes women forget that men have feelings too lol. So a lot of what you mentioned gets overlooked. It’s like society wants the man to “suck it up” or “deal with it” but it doesn’t work like that. So excellent point Moses.

    • Justwoman

      Well said! Coming from a married woman’s point of veiw, we do have our own particular jobs in the home/relationship too… and that job is to take care of my man no matter what, especially If he’s handling his business like he’s supposed to – the “shop” SHOULD never be closed and he should always be ready to “shop”. That’s my duty, thats my job. He takes care of me, my needs and my wants. You can be damned sure whatever he wants and needs imma handle it.
      !

      • Mosesjustmoses

         Thank you, and lucky man that has you!

  • PrydeWater

    Honestly, you sound like a politically correct Corey Holcolmb. The article has a bunch of points that I as a married man agree with. We all know that the truth hurts, but ladies, stop getting offended if a particular statement doesn’t apply… That IS why you’re offended, right? (because it does NOT apply to your particular case.) Yup…

  • Tony Jefferson

    I agree with 1 and 6!!! I suffer from both.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I’m sorry to hear that Tony. The good news is you may be able to kill two birds with one stone. I know how the depression can affect you and your willingness to take certain actions. If you can get yourself on a regimen of better eating and exercise you can help combat the depression as well as see the benefits in your marital sex life. Even some small changes to the diet can help and there are even some good Natural Fat Burners that also work to fight depression. You can email me at advice@stephanspeaks.com and I will send you the link to one that I saw many people on anti depressants switch to this fat burner and saw great results.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_EAZ7PJVCKZVTX7RTBWTTRPBL3E wiggens

    My husband and I have been married 45 years and we only had sex intimacy once since we have been married. So in 24 hours I was married and forgotten all in that short time. I was told the morning after we were married that sex with me is gross, disgusting pointless , meaning less and way to much work for so little. He promised me it will never happen again and it hasn’t. He told me that he was moving to the basement and starting the midnight that night. I pleaded, screamed and cryed, I wanted to know whats wrong with him. All he said was don’t talk to me and leave me alone. I was left wondering what the heck is wrong, did I do something wrong? The answers never happened. So I’ve lived like this (which is my fault) all these years, wondering and trying to find answers. In my mid 60s now and hate all men, no matter how good they are. The only thing I have is my anti-deprssate meds and my shrink, these are the only things I trust.

  • Nel2308

    I have been married for only 4 months and the bedroom activity is less than “honeymoon” stage.I try all sorts of things to get him to be more interactive in the bedroom, I walk around the house naked, wear chamisoles not pjs, even shave smooth the “love area”, nothing seems to work, then today he tells me I need to be careful of what I’m eating as its not heathy??WTF.. I’m a 44yr mother of 4 kids, I work in construction for 50hr per week. I’m not masculine looking, I have near waist length hair, I do my nails and 16DD bust so I’m far from manly. He won’t talk to me about whats going on and I’m sick of double guessing.I did catch him cheating on me 6 weeks before we got married and gave him the option to back out but he didn’t.I’m really over trying and making the moves all the time, I’m sure there are men out there would appreciate their wives doing what I try and do, Or am I just a selfish cow?

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Obviously I can’t see how you look so I’m going to go based off your comment. I find it interesting that him telling you “be careful of what you’re eating as its not healthy” was taken as a comment of you looking “manly”. I would have assumed he was implying you could lose some weight so did you take it as a possible issue of looking “manly” because he has made other comments before in regards to that? The cheating 6 weeks before marriage is definitely a concern. It’s one thing to move past that but it seems the issue was never properly addressed. If there is no understanding as to why it occurred it makes it difficult to avoid it happening again. He seems detached and no I do not believe you are being selfish. When you try to talk to him, have you taken a calm and open minded approach or has it usually come off as negative? Making that adjustment may help in him opening up about the real issues here.

  • amethystdreamer

    First of all, and I hate to sound picky, but I can’t believe an author of a book has the grammar issues on here (brang, your instead of you’re, etc…) that being said, the one issue that is left off, is the overuse of internet porn and mastubation which seems to render many men less likely to want real sex beacuse the fantasy and easy quick self pleasure is more appealing.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I respect and welcome you pointing out the grammatical errors. Honestly I am not a great writer and I never thought I would ever in my life write a book and all these articles lol. I’m in the process of getting an editor to help with my weakness but I will see if I can do some more cleaning up on this on today……You make an excellent point. Porn and masturbation do play a huge role in this issue. I mentioned the masturbation at the end of #3 but I do plan to do a whole article on this topic alone.

  • today

    Where is porn addiction on this list? What about sexual abuse during childhood?

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