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5 Things to Consider When He Still Lives with His Mother

Posted by Stephan Labossiere in Advice for Women, Dating | 41 comments |Tags: , , , , ,

he lives with his mother

Boys live with their mother and men have their own… but is this always the case?  Society has placed a very negative stigma on adult men who still live with their mother/parents. Jokes have been made and many men have been shut down by women who disapprove of their living situation.

Should it be so cut and dry? Are men who have yet to go out and get their own all losers? Here are a few things to consider before you draw any conclusions due to the fact that he still lives with his mother.

Is He Just Trying to Save Money?

There is nothing wrong with a man being smart with his money. It can be a very smart move financially to hold off on paying rent when you can stay home and save for your own house. So if he has a plan in place, the fact that he lives with his mother may start to look better. On the other hand, if he is dead broke and mooching off his mother; well, that’s a different story. There is no need to entertain a man who isn’t trying to do something with his life.

Is He There Because His Mother Needs Him or Does He Need His Mother?

In some cases, men choose to live with their mothers because their mothers need them. Maybe she has some health issues or is in transition. I’ve even read where Hangover star Bradley Cooper moved his mother in with him after the death of his father. I think those are valid reasons for a man to live with his mother, and most would agree. Now, if he is there because he simply can’t take care of himself (i.e. can’t cook, do laundry, clean a house, pay his own bills, etc.) then passing him over is understandable.

Is He a “Momma’s Boy?”

We should all love and respect our mothers, but some men refuse to cut the umbilical cord! No matter what the reason, if he is still at home and he has “momma’s boy” tendencies, then you should proceed with caution. Men who demonstrate these traits are far more likely to place the desires of their mother  before their wives. I believe that the wife’s needs must be the main priority in a marriage or else the relationship may suffer. I’m not saying that all “momma’s boys” are men who will struggle in marriage, but they are very risky.

Is He Just in Transition?

Maybe he is still in college. Maybe he just moved to a new city and is trying to get situated. Maybe he is in the process of divorce and is at his mother’s for the time-being. If the latter describes his circumstance, you still shouldn’t deal with him romantically because HE IS STILL MARRIED! The other two scenarios could be valid explanations for his living arrangements. Again, as long as he has a plan and is doing what he is supposed to do to work through his transition, then all should be fine.

Is He Viewing His Mother’s Home as His Investment?

Some of you may be thinking, ‘what’s wrong with him wanting to inherit the house?’ Well, the problem is that if he is still living with his mother, he may have no plans on moving out at all! He may be thinking he is better off staying put and waiting for the inevitable or for his mother to relinquish the house. Both courses of action could take a very long time to materialize, but if you are willing to deal with it, then so be it. If you are hoping not to be there with his mother, you may not want to entertain trying to be with him at the moment.

Women should always take a moment to understand why the man they are interested in is living with his mother before making any decisions. There is nothing wrong with women wanting men to have their own, but eliminating a man as a potential partner for the sole reason of living with his mother, may be a mistake. Focus on building a friendship and you will find out if he truly isn’t worth your time or if he has qualities with which you can build a beautiful future with.

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

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  • So true Stephan. There are so many issues that need to be explored before a woman jumps the boat because a man lives with his mother.

    If a woman is truly interested in a man then she will take the time to do her homework. Enjoyed the post as usual.

  • laura

    wowwww thank u.I needed to hear this

  • I agree with you that the moment a woman finds out that a man still lives with his mother, they shouldn’t immediately think of fleeing. The best thing to do is to see this as an opportunity to ask the right questions.

    • Cora

      Yes, you are the exception. This totally makes sense. But can you see yourself living at home past the time you have paid your loans and saved a nest egg? If you are comfortable in your own skin and say yes, that is okay. Just be aware that you may become emotionally stunted, as you may
      become too dependant on being looked after. Any guy can do what he wants, of course, but there comes a time that is healthy for a man to stretch his legs and go out on his own. I would say by thirty for sure.

      • Roger

        Women too. Being independent is healthy for everybody.

  • Romi

    I dated someone that was living with his mom at 24 because he was saving on rent and she allowed it. Guess what, ten years later I hear he still lives in that house, and hasn’t really done anything with his life. I agree with some of these points but disagree with him being smart because it’s not really about being smart. I feel it’s more about taking advantage and not having drive. Those are not good qualities.

    • Expecting men to be economic mules is not a good quality. In fact, it’s inhuman and gross, but whatever.

    • Katina Svenska

      Yes-Croatian I got involved with.7 years agoHe is still living with parent to this day.Nothing changed.

    • Katina Svenska

      Same here mate.Croatian Australian male.

  • cininhouston

    I am dating a man who lives with his mother. He is 53 yrs old and has been single for 3 yrs. I think everyone needs help now and then and temporarily living with mom is acceptable but he should be working toward being on his own. His mother is in her 70’s but for the most part healthy. She lived alone until he moved in with her. He tries to say it like she lives with him and he is helping her ( I guess this is the manipulative way to word it, making him sound like the great son!) but the real truth is that he lives with her, He tells me he pays her rent and pays for some groceries. She cooks for him and Im sure enjoys him being there. He is at her disposal, which I feel is part of the deal. Don’t get me wrong, I agree we should all help our parents and there is a part of me that respects the fact that he mows her yard and does things for her but another part of me wishes he was his own person, lived alone. Him living with his mom and seeing nothing wrong with it worries me. It does not make me feel like he could ever take care of me….living at home with Mommy makes me feel like he really can’t take care of himself so how in the world could he take care of me.

    I am a strong independent woman, I own a beautiful 5 bedroom home that is paid for in full and I work three jobs on and off to supplement my income. He has no problem coming over and spending the night with me and although he won’t admit it, I think he hopes I will one day let him move in. I do not see that happening. I would eventually like to move in with a man and maybe sell or rent my house so I can contribute to the relationship but not be the primary. Still I am confused why men today do not have the desire to be the provider or at least an equal.

    • kl

      Boy, if anyone figures out why men today are not willing to even support themselves sometimes, much less a family, let me know. And what is funny, most of these deadbeats with no job and living with mom still think they are a great catch just by virtue of being male. I am an independent woman, also, and figure that If I can take care of myself, at least they should be able to take care of themselves as well, or else how could I have any respect for them? No respect, no attraction.

      • Gospel Poet

        The fathers are sometimes missing and sometimes women train their sons to treat women or have women treat them just like their moms. So Mom cooks all the time etc… they expect the same form the woman……..I shudder! We need to ray for our men!

      • You’re right. Men are mules whose value as human beings depends entirely on their ability to earn income because social justice and equality.

        What would it be like to have your ability to meet basic psychological and social needs tied to macro aggregate historical, political, and economic forces which are entirely outside of your control? Be thankful you’ll never know, you solipsistic, soulless, money grubbing child.

        Y’know, at this point if an enemy army invaded this country and treated our women the way the Soviets treated German women, I wouldn’t die to protect them. I’d think of posts like yours and laugh.

        • Bonnie

          It’s not that deep, she is just asking for a man to show he is responsible, as any adult should be.

    • MLaw

      “Still I am confused why men today do not have the desire to be the provider. FULL STOP.” When men start menstruating and can carry a child for 9 months, plus deliver and nurse it, then I’ll gladly do equality as far as shelter is concerned! Until that day I will accept nothing less than what nature has designed men to do. The only other alternative is to support myself: No compromises…otherwise that’s what leads to the confusion. A male who doesn’t want to support a woman is not a man. Run fast if you meet one of these creatures. If a man is truly unable to support a woman to that’s different, but most men are fully capable of it, there is no excuse, they just “do not have the desire to be the provider or at least an equal” …and they will only do what women allow them to get away with.

      • abe1983

        Then women need to either exit the workforce in full or take second consideration after a man. Females flooded the workforce and screwed over wages. This is what has to happen if women want to be taken care of by men.

    • Jackie

      Hi I’ve been dating this man for six years and he’s 54 and still at home with his mother in his room he has pictures of jet magazine women in bathing suits hang all over his wall im lost

  • Lisa

    Have you ever thought that he might stay with mom cause he can’t afford his own place because he has 6 kids. Mom don’t work and they both are dependent on the other. Not a good choice for a husband. Mom and 2 many kids. Sorry. There’s no way he saving.

  • Dina

    My man moved in with his mother to ‘keep her company’ as his dad died. That was two years ago… I’m tired and getting more and more sexually turned off by him as he doesn’t seem to showing or even talking about moving out of his mothers home. To top it off we have a child together, she’s now started to ask questions like where is daddy going and he doesn’t seem in the least bit embarrassed or touched by it. His mother says she doesn’t get involved in his life ( when he’s doing the mistreatment) but when I’m seemed to be at fault she has all the advice in the world. Annoying as I’m a grown woman who makes my decisions and am removed from my family enough to not have be influenced by their oppinions. Situation is dead

  • kLPantera

    Well, I’m 22 and I’m probably going to live at home after college graduation. It’ll enable me to quickly pay off my student loan debts (about 1.5 years). Though I’ll have to live at home a little longer, since the grad program I want won’t leave much time for work. Which means no income, which means I still can’t live on my own.

    If the guy isn’t some lazy-bum sitting around doing nothing, cut him some slack. It’s a smart economic move to allow for debt reduction and the accumulation of funds. The average college graduate has about $29k in loans. Take me for example, living at home w/a starting salary of about $58k to $60k would allow me to pay off the loans quickly.

    • Coyote

      Beautifully written and argued! 🙂

    • Coyote

      Indeed, you certainly make a good point and argument here. 🙂

  • JasonMRogers

    As a man who lives in his mothers house I am always concerned with how people look at this. You may consider this wrong but it is considered abnormal. Firstly, my own perceptions of how others see it, isn’t great. Think, mummy’s boy, loner, and the variety of failures that must have been in his, in my life, to be in the position. Secondly, seeing the reality of others views is a must and finally my own view (if such a thing is valid in this context). Personally, I have lived elsewhere and with other people, both friends in a house share and with a woman whom I considered a life partner, also with a more casual girlfriend. I came to live at my mothers after deciding to return to education. I had a poor education, no GCSE’s, A Levels or Vocational qualifications.

    See, the caveat says it all. If not that, then consider the opening to the post as it closes, “he still lives with his mother”.

    There is nothing wrong with the me because of the people I choose to live with. There is nothing wrong with me, nor them, I say them because it is not just my mother that lives here. We are mostly happy and have a mutually beneficial coexistence, why would I want to give this up? It has in reality, been better than any house share I have ever had.

    I find it difficult now to meet women, why is my current situation a problem? Surely the future arrangements would be the problem. It seems that prejudice takes hold here, because I live with my mother, I will not be a suitable partner.

    Perhaps I am in different circumstance, perhaps I thought I could not manage without parental guidance for my education. The reality is, and it may seem a twist, is that I am not very good at sex. This, I have found, is the biggest turn off for women, has crushed me beyond what any person might expect, and left me a destroyed man. Living at my mothers allows me, now, to give women a reasonable excuse to not be involved with me. This may be my problem but it is certainly not because I live with my mother.

    I am neither sad nor lonely but cannot imagine ever being intimate again. This is not different to the arguments put here on this post, but simply a different point of view to the preconceived ideas about “being a man”.

    Jason M Rogers

  • Bonnie

    Some mothers are enablers

  • jackthecat2010

    i am 56, left home at 24, joined the military (25 yrs of service) and now have been working on my Masters degree. i own my own place and not looking for anyone to latched onto me – i love the freedom! best thing mom did for me, was to let me know that i was not moving back in, once i left!

  • Roger

    You are right on target.

  • Shyblueeyes

    I’ve been dating a man for 6 years who won’t move out of his moms. I’ve had my own apartment then now house paying all of my own bills the entire time. He’s at my house every night and everyone thinks he lives here but 98% of his things are at his moms and he pays bills there. His mom uses him like crazy. I tried my best to please her for the first 4 yrs until it all came out that she hates my race. I’m blonde hair blue eyes and she’d rather him be with someone with darker roots so she’s said. I cook clean, do everything for this man and he won’t leave mommys house. He has this thing where he all of a sudden needs to “go home”. He refers to his moms as “his house” when in reality that’s his mother and step fathers duplex they’re renting with you paying there bills. I’ve verified he is paying the bills there. His mom hasn’t worked in 10+ years “not disabled but in good health” his step dad works on and off but he’s a retired veteran. I don’t know what to do!! I’ll be 30 next year and so will he. I feel so stuck!! I’d like to add in addition to the regular cooking and cleaning I also take care of all of his banking, insurance, doctors appointment making..

    • Mrs.J

      It seems like you’re ok with the situation so just stay with him.You have been with him for 6 years already.It does seem like he is just taking care of his mom and she probably guilt trips him or something.

  • Mostyn Andrews

    A friend of mine has the following to contribute:
    “I married a guy who was still living with his mother (he was 30 at the time), and God, it was awful. He lied to me about the state of the family business before the marriage, telling me after the event that it didn’t make any money, and that I (the only person in the house who worked full time) would have to pay living expenses for both him AND his mother! She and I couldn’t stand each other and we got our separate dwellings after 14 months. I swear those two had separation anxiety. SHE had always provided for him, which was why he was so lazy, and was the one telling HIM he ought to “be a househusband” Anyway, time went on and although he was offered work he never took it and ended up with a computer game addiction, he said he had no ambition. He also became physically violent and was unfaithful. I left and divorced him and haven’t had a long-term partner in 10 years.
    His MOTHER moved back in with him, but he still managed to remarry, as he was desperate for children – to a Russian mail order bride, which was very significant, I thought. I am sure the language barrier, the fact she was 15 years younger than him, and the fact she came from Gorky (a notorious s***hole), helped! Anyway, they all live under the same roof now. Not sure what he does for work now, but I’m sure it’s nothing major, as if it were, he would advertise it more than he seems to be doing.
    Whatever – I just can’t understand the fact that he and his mother couldn’t seem to exist without each other. He was pretty abusive to her, too.”

  • Dk2014

    I have been needing to get this off my chest for a while. I’m 22 years of age. I met this guy 2 years ago he is now 36. When I met him he informed me that he did not posses a high school diploma because he dropped out of school and is hard for him to find jobs. I am a very understanding person. But now 2 years later he still has no job, and no ged. And he lives with his mother and still asks them to borrow money. I feel trapped because I don’t want to be mean and leave him because he’s struggling. But I’m so turned off by him. I feel like I’m forcing myself to be with him for the sake of his feelings. He really is a nice guy but he can’t do anything for me, nor my son, barely him self. Are my feelings wrong?

    • Mrs.J

      You should definitely leave unless you’re ok with financially supporting him and any children you might have together.

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