why did i get married

Why Did I Get Married?

I’m married with one child and I met my husband when I was very young. We both worked together and I didn’t like him at 1st, but he still pursued me. He was tall and skinny, just not my type. I was friends with some of his family so we started hanging out and things progressed. Of course he lied about having a girlfriend but I was young and dumb. They ended up breaking up and we started being serious. He ended up moving in with my mom and me in our townhouse, which I later purchased from her the following year. He comes from a LAZY family!! My mom never really discussed relationships with me & neither did my dad. It was just me and my mom – she worked before sun up and till sundown, so being an only child I was always on my own. He comes from a family where all the grown folk live together (his dad, aunts, etc).

We ended up getting married. He had asked me before, but I was always telling him no because I didn’t like a lot of stuff he did. I get “saved” and didn’t want to live in sin so stupid me, I was like “you still want to get married”, and of course he said yes (I’m his meal ticket). It’s like I got so scared and worried about what God would say about me shacking that I married for the wrong reasons. It’s like I forgot about the reasons why I didn’t want to marry him. A few days before I went to the courthouse I talked to my mom and she was just being negative and well you know marriage is hard, blah blah. I kind of just shut down and did it anyhow. She was upset and hurt because I did it without her. My mom was never straightforward to me about why she didn’t want me to marry him. I thought maybe because he was lazy and moved on his own time.

A couple of months later my cousin was visiting with her kids and husband. We had a falling out and I guess I didn’t read all of her emails during the back and forth. When she emailed me on day to make amends it came out that she previously sent an email saying my mom told her she didn’t’ want me to get married to him because he was cheating on me. I confronted my mom and she’s like I didn’t’ tell you because you wouldn’t have listened to me. So my cousin tells me my friend told my mom. I asked my friend and she’s like it wasn’t her business to tell and apparently my aunt knew too. I always had a feeling of him doing something, but could never catch him. It has been years since and I still think about it! He admitted to cheating, but never said with whom. I got mad and admitting to cheating too. Only because back then I thought he was too and I was bored with him.

Over the last couple of years I’ve kicked myself and keep reminding myself of why I never wanted to marry him in the 1st place. He’s not a hustler like me and I feel like I’m the man in the relationship. I bought the 1st and 2nd house myself. His credit has always sucked and I’m always the decision maker. He never likes to go anywhere or do anything, and there are so many more complaints I can list. We have been to therapy to discuss these things (not the prior cheating). The therapist asked him why he was so complacent and he didn’t know what it meant. Once we broke it down to him, he said he just doesn’t like applying for jobs and going to interviews. Yet he says he wants to make more money. We did 3 sessions and when we left the last one he asked if there was anything that he does that I like. I couldn’t find much to say other than when he cleans or cooks. He has wasted my time! Ever since then I changed my attitude and I really don’t care. When we first moved to a new city and state I had just graduated with my BA. Years later I graduated with a MBA and he’s still the same stagnant person! Everyone says you should push him and motivate him. I’m done with doing all that! I remember trying to get him to do Corrections & Rehabilitation work before I even got pregnant with my child, but all he ever wanted to do was hustle. Three of his friends died from foolishness, so he’s know it’s because of me he’s still alive (of course God 1st).

Well I’m tired of this city and I’m ready to bounce! And bounce from him! I can’t do what I want now because our company is about to lay us off, so I told him to get something he can afford if I have to leave. I’m miserable!! These men don’t want to be men, they want a meal ticket! Everything we’ve attained has been by my merits. His last few vehicles have come from my help. And I’m not staying because of my kid – its timing. We split the bills in 1/2 like we are roommates. Nookie is good when I fantasize about someone else.

Signed – Tired of this mess

Message from Stephan: for anybody who reads this and questions if marriage is for them, please look at this correctly. Marriage was not the issue, but the reasons why and the person she allowed herself to marry were the real issue. Also take into consideration that we only get to hear one side of the story. 

21 Comments
  • Angela
    Posted at 00:12h, 14 April Reply

    Yes, the signs were there prior to marriage, but they weren’t taught and nor did she notice them. Most of the time people go into marriages thinking things will change, but they only get worse. Hope this helps or halts some going in a similar direction

    • StephanLabossiere
      Posted at 00:27h, 14 April Reply

      I agree she wasn’t taught but she did notice them (as most women do). Remember if not for her fear of “shacking up” she may have never said yes to marriage. She knew this wasn’t the man for her but she made a choice to ignore that and press on. I do hope this does help open the eyes of anyone moving in a similar direction. 

      • Angela
        Posted at 13:34h, 14 April Reply

        Yes, seems like the miseducation of “shacking up”. Which is a bad idea (in my opinion) period, but marrying for the wrong is as well. This will enlighten many. Great post as always.

  • Carmen
    Posted at 03:19h, 14 April Reply

    This sounds very similar to my situation. I married for all the wrong reasons too. The signs were there but for some reason I chose to ignore them.My ex husband wasn’t as bad but he didn’t want to do more than the bare minimum. As long as I was bringing in most of the money he was cool. After 17 years of marriage and five children later, I am divorced and loving it!! I don’t usually promote divorce, I believe that is an individual decision. But I will tell you this…once I left, my life changed, I moved to a new state, lost 30 pounds got my master’s and I am enjoying life. Do what feels right. Good luck…:))

    • Haircouture
      Posted at 00:04h, 17 April Reply

      Wow!! That’s motivating

  • Mommanneta
    Posted at 12:43h, 14 April Reply

    Wow I’m so lost for words right now. Reading her story has open up my blind eyes and mind as to Why I Got Married and most importantly why I Stay Married. I have been Praying and asking GOD for guidence as to what moves to make and I must admit I’m still a bit confused so I’m Standing Still and Moving by Faith.

    • Haircouture
      Posted at 00:03h, 17 April Reply

      I concur!!!

    • StephanLabossiere
      Posted at 03:22h, 17 April Reply

      I’m glad this article could have such an impact. This is what I hope to do by allowing others to share their real stories. As for your confusion, allow me the opportunity to see if I can either be used to bring you clarity or point you in the right direction for you to get that clarity. Email me: contact@StephanL.com

  • Miss Laurice :)
    Posted at 14:03h, 14 April Reply

       Wow! Again Stephan thanks for sharing. I needed to hear something like this> As a single woman it motivates me to just take my time when it comes to love or marriage. 
       Ladies the spirit of discernment is so important.  Remember to always pray when making a serious life decision.  Why shack up for what! As Dr. Maya Angelou so often says, “if someone shows you who they are believe them.” plain and simply the warning signs were there you said he was lazy and so was his family and they were adults living together. Eeewww who does that in this day in age.  I have family members like that, so not cool.  So families that let you know we stick together no matter what. Thats not a good sign.  The bible says, cleave unto you wife, not one another and all your family. (just saying) 
       Staying just for the kids ladies bad idea and horrible excuse.  As Madea says, “when it’s time for my own happiness” one question to ask is it going to be me or you?  sorry but me and my feelings matter more!  And as Melinda Williams so eloquently put it uphappy parents raise unhappy kids… so do yourselves a favor if your not happy then leave.  Pack, Pray and leave. 
      Sweetie you are to intelligent MBA girl get the stepping.. I don’t like divorce either but it is what it is.  You’re superwoman, so a zero just won’t do..  We deserve HEROS!!! Love him but let him go!
    Laurice:)

  • Maxtu1970
    Posted at 09:41h, 15 April Reply

    wow & so sad but its real talk. A much needed article its not just happening to married couples also couples who been together for a long time.

  • Joelle Paule
    Posted at 20:37h, 15 April Reply

    Well all i can say is i need to enjoy my single days as being free of all this stress. Dang this woman is bold,going into some u know it’s what u want!? I mean women why are we so stubborn? Why can’t we listen to that 6th sense if ours instead of others. Ask God for guidance is what i learned from Mr Labossiere and i believe it’s the only way to be happy married or single. 🙂

    • StephanLabossiere
      Posted at 03:01h, 17 April Reply

      Just remember that being in a “marriage” is not what caused this stress, it was going into a marriage for the wrong reasons and with the wrong person that created this unfortunate situation…Good to see you have been learning from me : )

  • estella igus
    Posted at 15:40h, 20 April Reply

    This was awesome it will help me to look for all the signs before I get married again

  • sidinsidious
    Posted at 18:34h, 02 May Reply

    And through letting him go..take time to invest in yourself, not another relationship, learn to love you, attend some supportive women’s groups to help you build yourself better mentally and spiritually on making companionship decisions. One of the many problems that we as women have fell blindly to is that we think that we can change the negative things about a man to fit us. It will not happen. If he or she had these negative traits from the beginning YOU WILL NOT change them by convincing them of how much you love them and why they should treat you correctly. Don’t accept or pray a man you know that is not right for you, to fit you…Pour into yourself and prepare yourself for the one you prayed and release for him to be led to you in the right timing..B well..:) Sid

  • sidinsidious
    Posted at 18:37h, 02 May Reply

    “You can’t make a person climb a ladder of change they don’t want to climb”-Sid

  • Bern Hall
    Posted at 08:52h, 29 May Reply

    Wow this is really sad!!

    • StephanLabossiere
      Posted at 10:07h, 30 May Reply

      it is unfortunate, but I am hoping many can learn from it.

  • Tit4Tat73
    Posted at 22:54h, 22 August Reply

    Obviously, this young woman is confused, and anyone who marries a person THEN expect change is confused as well. I said before that most marriages don’t last because the things you accepted before and when you get married, you usually can’t stand as you go along in the marriage. Most times age plays a factor because you grow up and learn who you are and no longer want the thug, the gang banger, the drug dealer, the under and unemployed, the party king/queen, the ’round the way girl, the stash holder, the Bonnie to your Clyde. What was cute and accepting is now a deal breaker, this young lady is case in point. She said she knew she was a meal ticket? Well, darling, marriage makes you an official meal ticket, and you’re actually w/in your right to be that, if you will. It’s no one’s business because it’s her husband and she’s his wife. Well, she said she got married because she got “saved”; I say, let that same “saved” mentality “save” your marriage. Even at the lowest of low in your marriage, I say…..but God!

  • Cherry B.
    Posted at 14:17h, 09 November Reply

    I dont feel sorry for her at all. This man was obviously not her type but she still had sex with him anyway unprotected at that. She just lied to herself all those years and then blamed it on him. I had a ex fiance just like this I never married him WHY because I probably would have been writing this story not her. Ladies stop blaming everyone but yourselves for the situations you are in. Saying that he comes from a lazy family just makes you look bad find a man with your work ethic if that’s what you want. At the end of the day that will always be the father of your child and you have to live with that for the rest of your life. We women like to think we can mold these men into what we want but the reality is God is the only one that can do that. So as for this story umm hope you are divorced and never make the same mistake again and you start accepting responsiblity for your mistakes and please stop blaming your mother also you are a grown woman.

  • Bigtimer1254
    Posted at 06:54h, 01 January Reply

    That is what a real woman should do. And stop hanging on to these useless men, that women refuse to let go despite everything that he’s been putting you through.You know what I mean? And become a thinker and elevate yourself. 

  • Ms.Anaya
    Posted at 23:08h, 08 March Reply

    This is what so many woman do, compromise themselves, their values and needs. I noticed that she knew he was lazy but still settled. Interesting. Maybe it was her wishful thinking. Well It’s a lesson learned and I’m sure she is so much stronger & hopefully dropped the dead weight.

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