Guest Post by Kimberly Luxe: Although it’s a subject that we’d love to never talk about, I can’t help but laugh at how relationships go from fluffy to rigid in the matter of months. It’s as though, we enjoy that salesman approach we take when trying to sell ourselves and our pretty little red hearts– all shiny and fully equipped. But as soon as we’re picked and driven off of the sales lot, all things unadvertised begin showing their true colors.
And as the law of economics goes, once driven off, depreciation immediately occurs and value goes down by ten thousand, at minimum. But how do you know when the clouds are starting to form over your honey moon phase? Here are ten signs that you and your beau are past the honeymoon phase and need to run for cover before the rain comes. Most are from experience, others — mmm, may or not be *evil grin*. Here’s what will happen:
He’ll fart, and you’ll look at him shocked and taken aback, while he looks at you for about three seconds and goes back to eating his sandwich as if nothing happened. How could a man so pure release such an impure mixture of nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, and methane? Who would have ever funk it.
He’ll want more time away, and so will you. There will be times where he’ll get on your nerves so much that you’ll start finding excuses to be away from him. And if you can’t get away, you’ll try channeling your inner Matilda so that you can use your powers to do evil things to “Mr. Trunchbull”.
Your makeup kit will get dusty. Your days of selling yourself are over! Now that you’ve won him, there’s no need to wear makeup anymore. He said he liked you better without it right?
You’ll argue about your makeup kit getting dusty. Yes, he did used to say (in his smoothest, pimp daddy voice), “you don’t have to wear all that makeup girl, you know I love you just the way you are”. But that was because he never saw you “the way you are”. And now that he’s no longer blinded by love — you don’t look as cute as you used to look. Let me explain, when you’re hopelessly devoted to him and so deeply in love, you see past looks and if anyone asks, he’s the finest thing you’ve EVER laid eyes on. But once the sweet stuff begins to wear off, you start to see that wrinkle on his forehead, that mole behind his ear. This is the same thing with him. Once the love is no longer new and fresh, he starts seeing your flaws (although he may not point them out). So even though you may have not needed makeup in the beginning, he’ll make it a point that you do now. And you’ll be offended. How rude?!
He’ll start pointing out your flaws. And you’ll be livid! You’ll say things like, “What?! Are my track suits not good enough? Am I not pretty enough?! Are you calling me fat?!”. And he’ll regret even saying anything. Who would have known him asking you not to wear that track suit to a wedding would be such a big deal?
You’ll go through his phone, and he may even go through yours. It’s too good to be true, right? But although things seem perfect, it must not be, SO it’s time to investigate and see what’s rreeaaallllyyy going on. You’ll find things that you should and/or shouldn’t see and the argument will begin. He’ll say you shouldn’t have went through my phone, you’ll say he shouldn’t be sending pictures to Jessica.
And then you’ll fart. And the argument will end. He didn’t win by default, you just decided to let it go because now you’re too embarrassed to show your face. You’ll either leave and return in the morning with breakfast or you’ll say “I’m sorry” by cooking dinner. How could a woman so pure release such an impure mixture of nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, and methane? Who would have ever funk it.
You’ll skip the romantic stuff, and get straight to the subject. And this is with all of the things that you two engage in. I remember when I used to set the table all nice — served salad first, had all types of silverware out… Now? Paper or plastic? Fix your own plate & I’ll meet you at the table ’round six.
You’ll forget what sharing is. In the beginning, you’d cut everything in half. You’d miraculously be able to feed him for days with your one loaf of bread and one fish. But when you pass the honeymoon phase, you don’t remember to share until you’re half way through your burger. And sometimes you’ll even cheat — by eating a little more than half before he comes back in the kitchen.
You’ll go from talking about your future everyday to questioning it. Your conversations used to consist of the number of kids you wanted and the type of house you’d like to buy to conversations questioning if it’ll work and how much you two are willing to take before throwing in the towel. Of course, marriage and kids will still come and you’ll live happily ever after . But the conversations will change from fantasy to reality.
Don’t fret, passing the honeymoon phase isn’t a bad thing. This is simply a parody of the simple twists and turns that any and every relationship may or may not go through. The next time you’re in a new relationship and aren’t sure whether or not you’ve passed the honeymoon phase, feel free to refer back to this list.