They cheated on you before so they will cheat on you again right? They have cheated on past partners so what will stop them from doing the same to you? I mean once a cheater always a cheater…or maybe not. Society loves to say “nobody is perfect” but if you dare make a mistake many will try to define you by that mistake for the rest of your life. Why should they believe otherwise. In the eyes of many, cheating is ingrained in the DNA of men.
A woman who cheats has it already in her heart to be a cheater as far as some are concerned. There is nothing you can do about it. Especially when that person has already shown a willingness to cross that line. Your self proclaimed “I gave them everything they needed” won’t stand a chance when you are dealing with a cheater.
Personally I don’t buy into any of this. Well at least not in a general way. I do not believe everyone that cheats just has some undeniable thirst for stepping out on their partner. As a relationship coach I have seen countless scenarios involving a cheater and the underlying issues can vary. Yes there are plenty of blatant cheaters. Individuals who were never taking the relationship serious to begin with. They simply want somebody at their convenience and will always look to add more individuals that are willing to provide the benefits they desire. In many cases a woman sniffs out the blatant cheater but she will ignore the scent. She will deny her intuition and still act surprised when the truth is revealed on the surface. A man on the other hand isn’t as sharp when it comes to realizing he is with a blatant cheater. It’s not an insult to men but we are not typically as intuitive as women and women are great at covering their tracks. Yet and still some will see the signs (may even have their friends screaming the truth in their ear) but the man chooses to ignore it. In these cases that cheater is just a cheater. They have no interest in being serious and would likely run from the person they would want something greater with because they know they aren’t ready. Sometimes they still try to “make it work” but their behavior usually shows a person who simply is not ready for a serious relationship. With the blatant cheater there is nothing anyone can do about their willingness to cheat.
In other cases you have the vulnerable cheater. This is not a person who truly “wants” to cheat like the blatant cheater does. What they want is for their partner to be the person they need/hope for them to be. They have embraced being in a serious and committed relationship but a void currently exists. For many women it may be emotional neglect. For many men it may be sexual neglect. It can be vice versa but one way or another a need/desire is likely not being fulfilled by their partner. There are cases where the void is independent of their partner and stems from other issues. With that void not being addressed they become vulnerable and it becomes very easy for someone else to come along in an attempt to “step in”. This is not validation or an excuse, but this is an explanation. We can all say “if you aren’t happy then just leave” and I completely agree. The best choice is to address the issue or to accept that maybe the relationship needs to end. Unfortunately many who find themselves in this situation do not view it as cut and dry. To them they may not have truly intended to cross that line but being vulnerable and in the wrong place can create some very regretful results. From there some realize the mistake and don’t try to cross it again. while others get so caught up in it that they no longer are the vulnerable cheater. They have now become the blatant cheater who doesn’t value their relationship like they once did.
This topic deserves a much longer and deeper discussion. There is much more to it but because this is a blog I have to cut it short. Ultimately cheating is never the best way to handle things. It is a decision that can have an extremely negative impact on the lives of many. People should learn to take a better approach to their unhappiness or the fact that they are unwilling to be committed to that person. I just want people to understand that not all cheating is the same. Yes it still boils down to that individual making a choice but to ignore what plays into that choice being made doesn’t allow us to improve on this issue. The blatant cheater can mature and eventually find a person that they will cherish a relationship with. The vulnerable cheater can accept a mistake was made and if the issue is properly address never cross that line again with their partner. So a cheater isn’t always a cheater. Also I know many don’t want to hear this but when you are the one that has been cheated on just be mindful of your contribution to the issue. Did you ignore the fact that you knew this person wasn’t best for you? Did you ignore the fact that you neglected them emotionally or sexually? To only focus on their offense will likely set yourself up for the negative cycle to continue.