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He Didn’t Love Me, He Wanted To Control Me – Real Stories

woman sad because man wanted to control her

I am Christian woman, and about three years ago I was in a really low time. I didn’t really think a lot about marriage and meeting anyone. I was trusting that it would happen, and just put it in God’s hands.  I suppose I was looking for direction to what was the next step and at that moment I met my ex.

The first thing I would like to say is it is very important to trust to your first instincts.  When I first met my ex I had reservations, but thought maybe I was wrong so I allowed friendship.  He pursued me which of course I liked and very soon I found myself in a relationship before I had really got to know him.  There were times early in the friendship when he would say things to me that I thought were wrong but because he was from another culture I did not challenge him about it.  I also did not see him all the time as we lived in different countries and I would visit every few months.

Early on, he started to show aggressive behavior towards me if I did not do what he wanted. He also would remove affection, which left me feeling very confused.  He would then blame me that I was the cause of our problems.  This happened a lot and over time I began to doubt myself even though deep down I knew the truth.  I did at moments try to challenge his behavior in a gentle way but this was quashed and I became completely controlled by him in pretty much every way. Taking our relationship to levels I was not happy with and giving him money.  I did try many times to leave the relationship but each time he would tell me he would change, it was always temporary.  There were moments when I was scared.

Fortunately, I made some real friends who really helped me.  They helped me to see that this behavior was not right and that he did not love me. He liked what I gave him; sex (which I felt awful about) and the money.  In essence I was his meal ticket.  Eventually I had the strength to end the relationship and stay out of it.

In the last year I have had time to think about everything and why I allowed stuff to happen.  To be honest I can see that I made many mistakes, I lied to my myself as I wanted to believe he loved me.  I hope that my story will help any women in similar situations.  There is a fallacy that says an abused woman is a weak woman, but I am a successful woman.  In an abusive relationship the control comes gradually.  I hope that if there are any women in a relationship that the partner belittles you, criticizes you, shows cruelty or tries to dominate that you realize this is not love but rather control.  Do not feel that you have to be with him out of fear which is why I stayed in the relationship so long.

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30 thoughts on “He Didn’t Love Me, He Wanted To Control Me – Real Stories”

  1. Bonjouraime

    I was in a similar situation last year. I thought I would be the “help” this guy needed because I saw his potential. Like she said, all he saw was a meal ticket & sex. I remember I found & read an article on abusive behavior to him. He became agitated & ripped it up. I laughed at him not realizing That was a red flag.

    There is a reason Christians should NEVER be unequally yoked. If you know better, do better.

    1. Bonjouraime

      In my case I ended up in the hospital from him beating me & pregnant. Please, please, please whether male or female, if the person you are dating is jealous because “they Really like you” or they lie to others about your relationship dynamic or refuse to be around your family & friends cut your ties NOW.

      1. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. It is good to see you were able to overcome it and remove that situation from your life. Thank you for sharing your experience with the readers.

  2. M Starrparman

    I am in this situation now. Wow what a story…

    1. Queend61

      I’m in the same boat; I’m just so afraid to leave, and when I try, he makes me feel bad, smh. I’ve been with him for years, but I didn’t realize how he was till so many years into the relationship. I had left him, and even moved out of state. Unfortunately, I moved back to my home state, we stayed seeing each other after a while, and again, things were good, but without a warning, I was back in his control. I really get upset with myself cause my eldest asked me a long time ago to leave, and all I did was make excuses. I feel weaker than weak, and dumber than dumb. I just want to be free again.


      1. I’m glad that you recognize it is fear that is keeping you there. He runs the guilt trip on you because he knows it works to keep you in place…You are not weak and you are not dumb. You are just scared and it’s time that you conquer your fear. This situation is having a negative impact on you and I can assume your kids as well. You can’t get what you deserve if you continue to hold on to what isn’t best for you. I know it is hard but you can do it. You left once, so you can do it again. Talk to your family and friends. Be honest about how you feel so that they can give you the support you need. Time to move in a better direction.

    2. LC

      You’ll keep going in circles. Until you Let me help you Heal. Dark Ocean.

  3. 0804love

    I went threw that with my son father me I him was dating for about 4years in when we 1st got together it was like a dream come true but then as that year went by he started to change he would leave me in the house not want me to go out side he would hit me if I like up if we where walking down the street in a guy was walking I had to put my head down if his friends came over I had to run in tbe room I couldn’t speak or nothing he made lose 2 kids by him becuz he would his me in push me down all type of stairs 1 time he chock me I black out his sister would sit there in watch in to remind u I’m 19 all then been threw it all

    1. That is unfortunate that you had to go through all of that. I hope you have moved on from that situation and being in such an unhealthy and abusive relationship. You deserve better but you have to love yourself enough to receive better.

  4. Shawntarichard3

    Thank you for your story.  It did help.

  5. Truelove1486

    Wow!!! is happening a lot… And it’s very sad this continue… especial us the women when we in love. 🙁

    1. In most cases the woman isn’t really in love. She is just scared to walk away and she badly wants the situation to work out.

  6. Just me

    Look up Sociopath. What you and a few others who’ve commented on here described is a person with sociopathic tendencies. I found myself in exactly the same situation and thank god for a friend who schooled me. The journey to getting out and over this type of situation is still trying from time to time but he wasn’t normal and until we in communities of color realize there is a name and specific type for the type of person you described, we will continue to live in the dark and think those types of people are simply “controlling”. There is something much more greater to the person you described, much greater and much more deadlier. Know the difference, not Psychopath, i.e. crazy, murderous person, Sociopath. Please look it up, there’s a lot to learn. There but for the grace of God go I and you and all of us, we got away. I had no idea these types of people even existed and like you, due to my strength and strong foundation I finally worked my way out. Please Read, we’ve all had these people in our lives and thought we were just in bad relationships. Society is breeding sociopaths in amazing numbers. There’s so so much more to it.

  7. Karen

    Expect for the beatings, meal ticket and coming from different cultures this is exactly my story. I broke it off a few weeks ago, and check him on his behaviour an he is still angry to this day. Every chance he got he used it to belittle me on an of social media. So I unfriend him and that has made it even worse…..What hurt the most was that I had genuinely love this man and saw potential in him to be a good spouse also. I have rededicated my life to the lord an he is healing me one day at a time.

    1. Mya

      Hi Karen! I myself just got out of this same type of relationship a few months ago. I never realized all the emotional abuse I took for so long simply because I was blind to it and I was so anticipating for this one to be the “one”. Boy was I wrong! I was being nice by keeping his circle on my social media site, but you guessed it, I got talked about,belittled, named called all over it…so I deleted them all and left it at that. I have also dedicated my life and time to the Lord, he is helping my little one and I recover from that whole painful ordeal and keep moving forward.
      God is good!

  8. Pinky October

    thanks for sharing..

  9. Rosemarie Acerra

    Thanks for sharing

  10. I am sorry for these terribles stories and issues we as people have to go through. Thank god you fortunate people have stood tall and survived mentally and psychically, god wouldn't give us anything we couldn't handle..
    I have A very hard situation with my sister who is my best friend an amazing girl she is twenty years old has a beautiful 2 year old baby. She is in an abusive toxic sick relationship, she has been chocked beaten and manipulated to his games.there is everything wrong with this guy he has been confronted from my family from my parents he has never meat my family until he tried to run her and her baby off the road. Kayla, my sister leaves but only for a short amount of time,he has given her a unreversable disease and she feels lonely and feels like she will never find anyone who will love her because of this disease and other reasons. My family and I have never dealt with an abusive situation and this is very hard to deal with. I know we can't help her unless she wants help but what can you do when she ends up dead one day because she wasn't

  11. I used to be a very insecure person and when I met my ex partner, he was not controlling, before we became a couple, he was the sweetest man one can imagine and I felt in love as he was making me feel secure and loved. After we started the relationship however he was always comparing me with his deceased wife, buying me the same things he used to buy for her and making me feel so inferior to her. His sisters and his daughter even though I never hurt them in any way, never wanted me in his life either and were making my life a living hell. His daughter even told me once, I am daddy's princess and nobody comes between my daddy and me (she was 20 then). We had been together for 2 years but he never took me to meet his mom as he said his mom was not interested in meeting me and that the relationship is about the 2 of us. I was crying a lot, the first place a guy takes you is to meet his mom, but he kept telling me that he could not force his mom to meet me, but nevertheless I hold on to the relationship as I was scared to be alone. When we had problems, he was always putting the blame on me and as the whole world was telling me that I should consider myself lucky for having a man like him, because he was in 2 church choirs, treasurer of a kindergarten, at his job he was an excellent colleague, I really believed that I was the one to be blamed for our problems as the whole world was seeing him as a saint, then I was the one who should do my best for this relationship and that I should change myself for him. I was becoming more insecure each day and was doing everything to please him. Nobody could even suspect that the fellow who is such a great guy everywhere, how dominant he can be in a relationship and that he always had to be the one who was right. I broke up with him 3 months ago, as he had somebody else and I learned that he had her for 12 years, together with his deceased wife and she is living in an apartment in his mom's garden, that is the reason he never could have taken me to his mom and nobody knew about her (only his mom and his family) and still don't know, as he just say I am going to visit my mom. This is also the reason his mom never liked me, as she thought that he would marry her after his wife's death. I don't know why he asked me to start a relationship as he already had her for so many years. It is still hard for me to cope with this, but I am trying to find some peace in my heart by putting my trust in the Lord. So ladies please look out for those sweet talkers too when you first meet them and after you start a relationship they result to be something completely different, but to the rest of the world I am the bad girl as he is a saint. It still hurts, but I am glad I took the decision to leave and God knows my heart and he will help me find myself back and find the peace I need. Ladies don't settle for less, we are worth so much, it is a pity I realized this a little too late, but I trust the Lord will mend my heart and that I will trust again.

  12. Michelle Chester

    This helped tremendously. How do I deal with the feelings of guilt associated with divorce v for reasons other than those listed in the bible. My Christian peers charge me with a lack of faith, so I feel stuck for fear of offending God.

  13. Ann Haney

    This is one of the most devastating things that happens to a woman. It is gradual in its control, but the hardest part is what it gradually does to your self worth as a woman. I wrote my story of this journey from codependency and how to identify your real enemy, Satan who desires to destroy your value, & change your life from bitter to better. We as women are not perfect but we should never be made to feel worthless. My book is “Single Steps In A Married World-Stepping Out Of The Shadows of Codependency, Complacency & Insecurity”
    All people have purpose and God intends for each to walk happily in it. I speak on this topic nationally and desire to see women overcome and obtain the value God sees in them.

  14. its really difficult to see what is wrong in a relationship when u are in but as soon as you get out u will see how terrifying it was thank u for sharing your story

  15. Jennifer Davis

    Thanks so much for this! This story was so similar to mine. I was married to a controlling man for 15 yrs. I finally had enough 3yrs ago and divorced him.

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