ex throwing heart in trash

3 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Take Your Ex Back

I get a lot of emails from people wondering if they should get back with their ex. They at times feel confused about what they should do or how they should go about it. Some are sitting around analyzing every move their ex makes. They will stalk their twitter, facebook, and every person they think he or she may be dealing with romantically. Some of them are trying to move on, but in the back of their minds they are just waiting for an opportunity to get back with their ex. The thing is, most of them have no business trying to entertain getting back with their ex.

The relationship wasn’t what they want to believe it was and their minds are clouded by so many things. Don’t get me wrong, some situations I think have plenty of necessary hope and would be a good thing if it happens. People just need to be more honest with themselves and properly evaluate if getting back together is truly what’s best. So here are three things to be mindful of when trying to accept that you should not get back with your ex.

1. Your Ex Doesn’t Respect You or The Relationship

Let’s not kid ourselves here. Many people have been in or are in relationships where the person shows blatant disrespect. Not a mistake here and there, just a consistent disregard for you and this relationship. So when that person fortunately becomes your ex, what is there really to consider. If they didn’t respect you while in the relationship, why would they change when you keep allowing them to come back? There are plenty of things people can work through, but without respect you really have no relationship to begin with.

 2. The Issues With Your Ex Have Not Been Properly Addressed

Saying “I’m Sorry” does not address the issue. Simply stating “Ok I won’t do that again” doesn’t do much in making sure the issue doesn’t come back up. If you two can’t sit down and get to the bottom of why the issue is happening in the first place then don’t expect for it to go away. Proper communication is necessary to overcome any issue. Without it you can’t really expect for things to change and improve. It is possible that by having this discussion you may come to realize that there is nothing you can do or are willing to do, and therefore parting ways is truly best. One way or another taking your ex back without properly addressing the issues is just a set up for more disappointment and frustration.

 3. You are Not In Love With Your Ex, You’re Just Attached

The reality is nobody likes to be wrong. Nobody likes to feel like all the time and energy you invested was just a waste. We want to feel validated in the feelings we thought we had for this person and that is hard to do when we are faced with the relationship being over. So many times our desire to take that ex back isn’t because we are really “in love” with them. It is simply our way of holding on to the hope that we didn’t get this wrong. That we didn’t just fight all this time to get and keep this relationship when in reality that person was never meant for us to begin with. Fear is motivating us more than love. In some cases it’s just lust that reels us back in. I could name a few more reasons but at the end of the day none of them are truly about love. We just use that label to validate our actions. So if you are not truly in love, then why bother taking them back. You are only setting yourself up for you or them to leave again.

Some people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone, but that does not always mean they are supposed to get it back. Your ex is an ex for a reason. Taking the time to truly understand those reasons will make it clearer if you should entertain getting back with them. Stop getting caught up in what you think you want and focus on what you really need. Regardless of what you decide to do forgiveness will still be needed. Because without forgiveness which allows for you to heal, your next significant other will simply become your next ex.

  • Raquel
    Posted at 15:58h, 01 October Reply

    Love this post many females should agree more and some guys should pay close attention. I never had this problem but good thing you did put a lot of effort in this post.

  • Joelle Paule
    Posted at 17:30h, 02 October Reply

    I think the main reason why people take their exes back is the reason #3. This can also lead to another reason being, they are used to that person, it’s easier to just continue to stay with that person, they don’t want to start a new relationship etc… I know that’s why I hear a lot from people who get back with their exes. I never did, but for some reasons exes always try to come back and try to reconnect after they left. I don’t know why they do that a lot, I mean if you decided to stop the relationship with me that means you saw something on the next girl, and she is better than me right? I don’t know just asking myself some questions 🙂
     Great post once again Stephan. You are an ex for a reason and really should stay that way Amen?!! AMEN

    • Al alapisco
      Posted at 00:18h, 09 November Reply

      Thats super true i mean people would say i have to be stronger to be someone i say i have to be stronger than my ex and then everyone falls right in to place

    • pamela el
      Posted at 00:46h, 15 December Reply

      Yes, I concur. An ed x is a ex for a reason. I finally get that now. If communication/respect not there, it’s only a matter of time you leave again. I know I did that. Life too short, you have to live life happily!!!!

  • Ms Sadly
    Posted at 15:35h, 20 November Reply

    Good post, thank you as I am healing from an ex that I cared about, I now realize I just need to move on.

    • TheSistahCafe
      Posted at 20:02h, 01 December Reply

      I got back with my ex boyfriend after 11 years.  He is my husband now and we’ve been married almost 12 years.

      • Dipcylizzy
        Posted at 10:31h, 08 February Reply

        I also got back with my ex after 3years , we are planning our wedding together now…I believe whatever is meant for you will surely come back….

        • vel
          Posted at 22:44h, 25 May Reply

          I am trying to get an ex back after a 10 yr. relationship. I messed up by not giving him attention, I now realize I had put everyone as being more important than him(my22 son with a MH/subs abuse issues, my 85 yr. old moms needs-every Saturday, teaching responsibilities during the week-lessons grading etc., finally, moving to PR and having to adjust to a new culture. I lost myself in all these issues I could not handle the pressure. So unfortunately my ex. felt neglected and unattended-rightly so. I love him dearly, and we had planned on spending the rest of our lives together, but I just couldn’t handle the pressures of all that mess. Can you help? He has moved on to someone who could provide the attention I couldn’t. But, I still want him back .Help.

          • Stephan Labossiere
            Posted at 16:30h, 27 May
          • Liz Kanini
            Posted at 04:25h, 19 January

            To love another person is a decision we make fully, or partially, its not entirely about feelings because sometimes these fuzzy feelings disappear, and the decision still stands. If someone wants to be with you, they will stay no matter what. If a person is staying with you for what they are getting from you, let them go, and Thanks God that they will be another person’s headache. When we are connected to God, He gives us purpose, and peace, and loves us unconditionally. We need to connect to the source where we will draw all the love, peace and energy we need for ourselves, and if someone walks out of your life, you still have someone to hold on to, God – Who will never ever leave you.

  • Ty (SexySingleMommy)
    Posted at 20:03h, 01 December Reply

    I agree with Joelle. Most people take their exes back for reason #3, especially if they have been with them for a long period of time. Usually they don’t want to be alone or are so used to the other person that it’s just easier to get back with them, even though they may have broken up for things that were described in reason #1.

  • El
    Posted at 06:54h, 16 December Reply

    I agree with the comments here. #3 is a killer. I know I have gotten back with a couple exes because I “put in too much time” to just let it go without a fight. They clearly didn’t work out in the end, but at the time it seemed legit. Lol….im still learning to not think like this and how to let go when I know something is not working.

  • Scorne5532
    Posted at 14:42h, 27 December Reply

    Divorced my ex after 25 years. After being gone 5 months he fell on hard times and I allowed him to come back and live with me and his three kids (17, 14, 12). He cheated (I guess although we weren’t married but still sharing the bed) on me and just recently moved out to an apartment with a girlfriend and hasn’t paid child support or anything. His thought process is “he hasn’t paid it since he moved in with us and besides I make mor than him”. I was the fool once, no twice for letting him come back. I will never ever never never ever take an ex back!!

    • Stephan Labossiere
      Posted at 16:43h, 31 December Reply

      I’m sorry to hear about how your situation played out. I completely understand your position on taking an ex back but I don’t want you to apply that to all because of the situation you experienced. Sometimes a second chance is the best thing and sometimes it’s not. Determine that based on the specific person and situation. Don’t let the hurt from the past carry on with you because it can hinder you in ways that you may not realize. As crazy as this may sound right now forgiveness will be needed here so that you can be free from the negative emotions and energy of this experience. I just want you to be able to move in a positive direction and not one that is being weighed down from the disappointments of the past.

  • Movin Forward
    Posted at 14:40h, 20 February Reply

    AWESOME!!! I recently had this exact conversation with myself after my soon-to-be ex-husband asked to come back home. For our children’s sake and for wanting to make sure I was doing what was right and for the right reasons, I considered it. But I noticed his behavior towards me hadn’t really changed. He is still disrespectful towards me. And when I suggested we talk about what happened between us he said that topic was not up for discussion. That comment hammered the final nail in the coffin in my book. I can’t see how reconciling a marriage is possible without proper communication. At any point, I have forgiven him and work on continuing to do so every day. I try to maintain a friendship with him not simply civility. I try to always respect him even if it’s not reciprocated (don’t get it twisted though- I speak my mind). I feel I’m in my happy place and man am I happy about it!!! Just ecstatic that the 3 reasons I decided to stick with my decision to move on are justifiable reasons. Woo hoo!!!

  • David Woods
    Posted at 02:45h, 12 March Reply

    I enjoyed the article. Number one is very true and gets
    right to the point!

    Comfort, familiarity, and amazing physical compatibility may
    all be reasons to entertain a second chance but the lack of respect cancels out
    all of the positives mentioned above.

  • Author TyLeishia L. Douglass
    Posted at 18:26h, 04 July Reply

    What can I say to this but Amen.

  • Veronica Mabry
    Posted at 19:19h, 26 September Reply

    Couldn't have said it better myself!!! AND, some folks need to adhere to an EX is just that EX for a reason.-

  • Benita Edwards-Anthony
    Posted at 16:44h, 02 December Reply

    Darn right…Sounds like plain common sense to me… <3

  • Pattria Platt
    Posted at 20:48h, 11 December Reply

    Thank you young man, I am very proud of you! Good job!

  • Tamarra Brown
    Posted at 21:06h, 11 December Reply

    Thank you so much! You help so many get through the difficulties of relationships, and the making it through the storm of those relationships. Keep us informed!

  • Linda Wilson
    Posted at 02:26h, 12 December Reply

    omg. It took me twenty five years to realize that.

  • Blaque Panther Verge
    Posted at 02:45h, 12 December Reply


  • Jessica Jean Pfitzer
    Posted at 20:54h, 06 January Reply

    You have answered your own question…there is no love/respect/fulfillment. We teach others how to treat us honey, and God does not desire to see you treated this way.

  • Ariana Bahhd Sims
    Posted at 02:53h, 07 January Reply

    Thanks for the insight

  • Tiesha Showers
    Posted at 05:13h, 07 January Reply

    So true.

  • Jezzy Baker
    Posted at 01:09h, 01 February Reply

    I needed to read this for sure <3
    Your always speaking that TRUTH!

  • Sheryl Young Seymore
    Posted at 01:13h, 01 February Reply

    I really like this one…all true…..all true….

  • June Kimber
    Posted at 02:46h, 01 February Reply

    These 3 things are so true

  • Renaldo Oneal
    Posted at 04:22h, 01 February Reply


  • Cenitha Shante Johnson Casnave
    Posted at 04:27h, 01 February Reply

    Good info!

  • Bunmi Owolabi
    Posted at 05:13h, 01 February Reply


  • Jene Tillis
    Posted at 13:04h, 01 February Reply

    great article!!! Yes I want to forgive so I can move on and receive what may be there for me! A little doubtfulabout what or if love awaits but anger and bitterness eats you up I know I don't want that!

  • Ceaser Roui
    Posted at 23:35h, 25 March Reply

    so true. dealing with this type issues right now. this just helped remind me that the chances I've given for reapect never we met. so why would I think now it will Change. thank you

  • LaTanya Roberts Watson
    Posted at 23:35h, 25 March Reply

    I really needed this!!

  • Dee Dee Pritchett
    Posted at 23:45h, 25 March Reply

    Absolutely.. Every word is true .. Especially respect the relationship part ..

  • Jean Martin-Schouten
    Posted at 23:54h, 25 March Reply

    That's right move on he doesn't deserve you, you deserve better. Amen sister

  • Lois Youngbear
    Posted at 23:55h, 25 March Reply

    All true. (:

  • Latoya Putnmyselffirst Foster
    Posted at 00:00h, 26 March Reply

    My ex n i just recently got back to but only after months n months of communication on a friendship basis n some growin on both of our parts we both realized tht the love was still there n the communication lines were open we've both grown so much n now hes my best friend who im marrying next year

  • Shay Adams
    Posted at 00:16h, 26 March Reply

    Amen couldn't have put it in better words

  • Amanda Phelim
    Posted at 06:53h, 26 March Reply

    I had a Ex that would Hack my Facebook MySpace at the time and he got all Mad when he found I meet someone New he tried to Stop My Love he tryied everything you can think of and it Didn't work 🙂

  • Tye
    Posted at 04:29h, 26 March Reply

    Im struggling now with reason#3 I know she doesn’t deserve me and everything is just going to be the same as it was when I left but the illusions the mind gives you of happiness and love kinda reminds me of the song remember the time by the K.O.P Mj for the youngins I know its best for me without her but after 5years of living together being engaged and two beautiful boys my heart feels obligated to her even though I know I wouldn’t be happy ..its been months and part of me wants to put up with the bullshit and the smart half of me us like see ya im a very family oriented man I feel naked without my family I still see my boys but it just doesn’t feel the same

  • Hossay Kakar
    Posted at 08:56h, 26 March Reply

    I made that mistake and gave my ex chance to change himself, but later I realized that I was wrong. ..
    it was a mistake that hurts me every time, but iam happy that that mistake made me stronger to take a good and concrete decision. .

  • Joyce Pack
    Posted at 13:26h, 26 March Reply

    So true, about the respect. In ur face, to the point that if I even considered it please have me committed to a psych ward, have a bottle of annointed oil poured over me, and Jesus Himself would have to appear and tell me to retir

  • Odessa Brown
    Posted at 13:38h, 26 March Reply

    May your relationship be God centered Latoya, I pray your marriage will be a marriage that honors God. You and your spouse honor each other, so it will be a testimony to others…

  • Odessa Brown
    Posted at 13:41h, 26 March Reply

    Common sense without Godly wisdom Benita, doesn't work for a rebellious person.

  • Angelic
    Posted at 10:03h, 26 March Reply

    It has been six months of trying to move on sometimes I find myself just waiting for him to show up at my doorstep to take him back. But I need to be honest with myself he never respected me. Why do I want that? He doesn’t want to change either. Pain in my heart. I need to let go. This helped remind me why. Thank you. -Angelic

  • Roxanne
    Posted at 12:05h, 26 March Reply

    I know that an ex is an ex for a reason right now it’s been a year I got out of a toxic relationship I got into after my son’s father proposed to me I said no and continued on getting to know this person about 4yrs ago and everything was nice and dandy something I’ve really never had up until our 3rd yr together where I found out he was cheating on me from the start I sat down just the other day and flashed back to the text I had received from my first love first boyfriend who is my son’s father reading will you marry me? and I clearly remember on asking him why did he want to marry me after walking out on me while I was pregnant we never argued never got violent w each other he responded w he wasn’t ready to be a father bc of fear that he would fail at it and fail our son and I was the only woman he truly loved and I’ve been the only one by his side and put up w everything and a woman like me he would never find nor could be replaced yes I love him and I only got into the relationship to forget him but through the years I have still loved him in silence and my ex knew but the relationship dragged along to 4yrs and the other day I received a text message from my son’s father that he wants to see his son and I but I got scared I didn’t know what to answer I feel ashamed of even have him see me bc of what I did please help

  • Toy Palmer
    Posted at 17:55h, 26 March Reply

    My ex for 2 days now blatantly disrespected me when angry quite a number of times inthe past few weeks. Last year we were engaged. It has been a rough road getting back together but I was sure he was worth it. I felt my soul died when I was without him. That is how I am feeling now. Just broken. I wish I could just pcik up the phone and tell him how I feel. Hell, I can't even write it down it hurts so bad. I know I have to let it out this time to move on. I am just afraid once I start I won't be able to stop.April 1st will be 3 years for us with this on/off thing. I refuse to be disrespected or have someone who claims to love rip me of my spirit. Why not just move on? I know he can be so much more than that. That is my problem , always seeing the good. I am so angry right now. I could almost say I hate his ass. I am just broken for a bit. I will be alright. Sorry, I haven't had anyone to vent to because I am afraid to breakdown.

  • Elaine Everhart
    Posted at 19:33h, 26 March Reply

    Thank you for this article…Feeling real guilty about being with a man that was a narcissist and I did not respond in a very Christian way..Struggling to forgive myself and this article will help-It addresses all the issues I dealt with….Praying God will help me forgive him as well…Going back the last time when he said he changed I realized the love and HOPE was gone…

  • Belinda Jefferson
    Posted at 00:36h, 27 March Reply

    I understand. This sounds just like my ex. But I realize i have to love myself first, determine what i want in the relationship then honestly evaluate the other person and if the relationship has been about fulfilling both our needs or just his needs. That gave me some perspective.

  • Virtuous Wumbornyi Malaika Banne
    Posted at 09:01h, 27 March Reply

    Very timely. God bless!

  • Seiqoo Whyouwannaknow
    Posted at 07:08h, 28 March Reply

    Number 3 was my reason for finally ending it my ex of 9 years. Yes , we have been exes for most of those nine for

  • Seiqoo Whyouwannaknow
    Posted at 07:11h, 28 March Reply


  • Princess
    Posted at 11:11h, 14 November Reply

    What about the “friends with exes” (no kids together) apply? I feel my current relationship of 2 years is surrounded by my partners exes. His ex wife of 8-9 years ago constantly calls him. Im not sure if he answers behind my back but why is she still calling after all these years? (They had a bad marriage/divorce. No kids) The ex gf before me is still around. She hangs at the same establishment as we do.it bothers me to go have a nice evening out and wind up there where she is. when we have problems and have split up he always ends up hanging out with her. Along the way when we did depart this summer for a short time he met some new friends (couples) and they all have become friends. it’s hard for me to get close and become good friends with these people knowing that they associate with her. I feel like I’m constantly hearing about this woman and not to mention my partner’s daughter still keeps contact with her and goes and visit and babysit her 7 year old daughter which is not his child and again his daughter brings up this woman and her child and even relays messages.they were together a few years off and on more off then on and again another bad relationship. how do I deal with the exes? Or as he says were just friends.

  • Brie Joana
    Posted at 19:21h, 14 November Reply

    Thank you, this put things into perspective! Clearly written! Word!

  • Christopher Gipson
    Posted at 20:42h, 18 November Reply

    Thank you… 🙂

  • Courtney Lovinmeandmine Robinson
    Posted at 13:51h, 13 December Reply

    Not to say that I want my ex back because I honestly don't…But what I will say is that I know a few people that need to read this and understand that they must forgive so that they can heal…don't allow what you have been through in past relationships to dictate what happens in future relationships..

  • Pamela El
    Posted at 05:36h, 15 December Reply

    Thank you, I was entertaining going back. But I knew I shouldn't. After reading this article, you helped me see I need to keep going forward.

  • Pamela El
    Posted at 05:37h, 15 December Reply

    Amen, that is so true.

  • Lewis Max Maxwell
    Posted at 15:09h, 16 December Reply

    Going thru a breakup now. She has so much hurt that ive caused where reconciliation dont seem possible. After reading this article puts me at a crossroad. I want her back but this article kind of justifies her NOT to come back. Being alone ive done some self evaluation. Changes from within is a start in becoming a better person

  • Elliot Mohammed
    Posted at 21:19h, 14 January Reply

    I'm close to my divorce date. Number three #3 expresses exactly what I feel. I've been married 6 years. 5 of which has been like the middle east conflict. Some things happened and I disconnected emotionally some years ago. Now, standing on the brink, I'm questioning. I'm used to her being around. Being there if I need someone. Loneliness is my greatest fear. I don't love her. So much has happened. But I now see its fear of the unknown has me second guessing myself. But I'm trusting in my god to keep me. Othank you for this article.

  • Don Wolf
    Posted at 03:01h, 15 January Reply

    I miss my ex…but my aim is getting better!

  • Angelique Wicksmkutu
    Posted at 00:39h, 16 January Reply

    Thanks for the clarity. Ive being in and out of a disasterous marraige for years now just for the sake of my boys. I cant do it any more.

  • Michael Sinclair
    Posted at 03:29h, 16 January Reply

    Thank you my brother. You've answered everything I was wondering. It is now much more clear on why I must move on.

  • Debra Frageman
    Posted at 04:57h, 21 January Reply

    Well said, especially the part about respect.

  • Sherri Zumstein Jemison
    Posted at 15:53h, 07 February Reply

    Fabulous read…. I re-read this in my times of loneliness or weakness. Helps to stay in perspective.

  • Mpho Motlhoki
    Posted at 19:51h, 07 February Reply

    That's exactly how I feel too

  • Cha-cha Fostanes
    Posted at 13:21h, 08 February Reply

    i really like this article…..very informative.

  • Cleopatra Dube
    Posted at 12:37h, 09 February Reply

    it's easy to understand when someone else says it and i realise now that i've been attached to my ex it aint love and i have to get rid of my need to be attached to him so much because it doesn't benefit either one of us. Being single doesn't mean i have to just accept any kind of attachment. Thank you for this post

  • Andrew Ritz
    Posted at 19:26h, 09 February Reply

    U speak the truth

  • Tony Jackson
    Posted at 23:56h, 18 March Reply

    Makes sense.

  • tknow3
    Posted at 07:53h, 04 May Reply

    very true and on point thats my situation

  • Chanda
    Posted at 21:03h, 09 May Reply

    Sending proper text messages to get your ex back will spare him or her time to think of what their next move will be without the pressure if you use ygtfrd

  • Melissa Mayer
    Posted at 04:57h, 23 July Reply


  • khin
    Posted at 06:35h, 25 October Reply

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