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3 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Take Your Ex Back

ex throwing heart in trash

I get a lot of emails from people wondering if they should get back with their ex. They at times feel confused about what they should do or how they should go about it. Some are sitting around analyzing every move their ex makes. They will stalk their twitter, facebook, and every person they think he or she may be dealing with romantically. Some of them are trying to move on, but in the back of their minds they are just waiting for an opportunity to get back with their ex. The thing is, most of them have no business trying to entertain getting back with their ex.

The relationship wasn’t what they want to believe it was and their minds are clouded by so many things. Don’t get me wrong, some situations I think have plenty of necessary hope and would be a good thing if it happens. People just need to be more honest with themselves and properly evaluate if getting back together is truly what’s best. So here are three things to be mindful of when trying to accept that you should not get back with your ex.

1. Your Ex Doesn’t Respect You or The Relationship

Let’s not kid ourselves here. Many people have been in or are in relationships where the person shows blatant disrespect. Not a mistake here and there, just a consistent disregard for you and this relationship. So when that person fortunately becomes your ex, what is there really to consider. If they didn’t respect you while in the relationship, why would they change when you keep allowing them to come back? There are plenty of things people can work through, but without respect you really have no relationship to begin with.

 2. The Issues With Your Ex Have Not Been Properly Addressed

Saying “I’m Sorry” does not address the issue. Simply stating “Ok I won’t do that again” doesn’t do much in making sure the issue doesn’t come back up. If you two can’t sit down and get to the bottom of why the issue is happening in the first place then don’t expect for it to go away. Proper communication is necessary to overcome any issue. Without it you can’t really expect for things to change and improve. It is possible that by having this discussion you may come to realize that there is nothing you can do or are willing to do, and therefore parting ways is truly best. One way or another taking your ex back without properly addressing the issues is just a set up for more disappointment and frustration.

 3. You are Not In Love With Your Ex, You’re Just Attached

The reality is nobody likes to be wrong. Nobody likes to feel like all the time and energy you invested was just a waste. We want to feel validated in the feelings we thought we had for this person and that is hard to do when we are faced with the relationship being over. So many times our desire to take that ex back isn’t because we are really “in love” with them. It is simply our way of holding on to the hope that we didn’t get this wrong. That we didn’t just fight all this time to get and keep this relationship when in reality that person was never meant for us to begin with. Fear is motivating us more than love. In some cases it’s just lust that reels us back in. I could name a few more reasons but at the end of the day none of them are truly about love. We just use that label to validate our actions. So if you are not truly in love, then why bother taking them back. You are only setting yourself up for you or them to leave again.

Some people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone, but that does not always mean they are supposed to get it back. Your ex is an ex for a reason. Taking the time to truly understand those reasons will make it clearer if you should entertain getting back with them. Stop getting caught up in what you think you want and focus on what you really need. Regardless of what you decide to do forgiveness will still be needed. Because without forgiveness which allows for you to heal, your next significant other will simply become your next ex.

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80 thoughts on “3 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Take Your Ex Back”

  1. Raquel

    Love this post many females should agree more and some guys should pay close attention. I never had this problem but good thing you did put a lot of effort in this post.

  2. Joelle Paule

    I think the main reason why people take their exes back is the reason #3. This can also lead to another reason being, they are used to that person, it’s easier to just continue to stay with that person, they don’t want to start a new relationship etc… I know that’s why I hear a lot from people who get back with their exes. I never did, but for some reasons exes always try to come back and try to reconnect after they left. I don’t know why they do that a lot, I mean if you decided to stop the relationship with me that means you saw something on the next girl, and she is better than me right? I don’t know just asking myself some questions 🙂
     Great post once again Stephan. You are an ex for a reason and really should stay that way Amen?!! AMEN

    1. Al alapisco

      Thats super true i mean people would say i have to be stronger to be someone i say i have to be stronger than my ex and then everyone falls right in to place

    2. pamela el

      Yes, I concur. An ed x is a ex for a reason. I finally get that now. If communication/respect not there, it’s only a matter of time you leave again. I know I did that. Life too short, you have to live life happily!!!!

  3. Ms Sadly

    Good post, thank you as I am healing from an ex that I cared about, I now realize I just need to move on.

    1. TheSistahCafe

      I got back with my ex boyfriend after 11 years.  He is my husband now and we’ve been married almost 12 years.

      1. Dipcylizzy

        I also got back with my ex after 3years , we are planning our wedding together now…I believe whatever is meant for you will surely come back….

        1. vel

          I am trying to get an ex back after a 10 yr. relationship. I messed up by not giving him attention, I now realize I had put everyone as being more important than him(my22 son with a MH/subs abuse issues, my 85 yr. old moms needs-every Saturday, teaching responsibilities during the week-lessons grading etc., finally, moving to PR and having to adjust to a new culture. I lost myself in all these issues I could not handle the pressure. So unfortunately my ex. felt neglected and unattended-rightly so. I love him dearly, and we had planned on spending the rest of our lives together, but I just couldn’t handle the pressures of all that mess. Can you help? He has moved on to someone who could provide the attention I couldn’t. But, I still want him back .Help.

          1. Liz Kanini

            To love another person is a decision we make fully, or partially, its not entirely about feelings because sometimes these fuzzy feelings disappear, and the decision still stands. If someone wants to be with you, they will stay no matter what. If a person is staying with you for what they are getting from you, let them go, and Thanks God that they will be another person’s headache. When we are connected to God, He gives us purpose, and peace, and loves us unconditionally. We need to connect to the source where we will draw all the love, peace and energy we need for ourselves, and if someone walks out of your life, you still have someone to hold on to, God – Who will never ever leave you.

  4. I agree with Joelle. Most people take their exes back for reason #3, especially if they have been with them for a long period of time. Usually they don’t want to be alone or are so used to the other person that it’s just easier to get back with them, even though they may have broken up for things that were described in reason #1.

  5. El

    I agree with the comments here. #3 is a killer. I know I have gotten back with a couple exes because I “put in too much time” to just let it go without a fight. They clearly didn’t work out in the end, but at the time it seemed legit. Lol….im still learning to not think like this and how to let go when I know something is not working.

  6. Scorne5532

    Divorced my ex after 25 years. After being gone 5 months he fell on hard times and I allowed him to come back and live with me and his three kids (17, 14, 12). He cheated (I guess although we weren’t married but still sharing the bed) on me and just recently moved out to an apartment with a girlfriend and hasn’t paid child support or anything. His thought process is “he hasn’t paid it since he moved in with us and besides I make mor than him”. I was the fool once, no twice for letting him come back. I will never ever never never ever take an ex back!!

    1. I’m sorry to hear about how your situation played out. I completely understand your position on taking an ex back but I don’t want you to apply that to all because of the situation you experienced. Sometimes a second chance is the best thing and sometimes it’s not. Determine that based on the specific person and situation. Don’t let the hurt from the past carry on with you because it can hinder you in ways that you may not realize. As crazy as this may sound right now forgiveness will be needed here so that you can be free from the negative emotions and energy of this experience. I just want you to be able to move in a positive direction and not one that is being weighed down from the disappointments of the past.

  7. Movin Forward

    AWESOME!!! I recently had this exact conversation with myself after my soon-to-be ex-husband asked to come back home. For our children’s sake and for wanting to make sure I was doing what was right and for the right reasons, I considered it. But I noticed his behavior towards me hadn’t really changed. He is still disrespectful towards me. And when I suggested we talk about what happened between us he said that topic was not up for discussion. That comment hammered the final nail in the coffin in my book. I can’t see how reconciling a marriage is possible without proper communication. At any point, I have forgiven him and work on continuing to do so every day. I try to maintain a friendship with him not simply civility. I try to always respect him even if it’s not reciprocated (don’t get it twisted though- I speak my mind). I feel I’m in my happy place and man am I happy about it!!! Just ecstatic that the 3 reasons I decided to stick with my decision to move on are justifiable reasons. Woo hoo!!!

  8. I enjoyed the article. Number one is very true and gets
    right to the point!

    Comfort, familiarity, and amazing physical compatibility may
    all be reasons to entertain a second chance but the lack of respect cancels out
    all of the positives mentioned above.

  9. Author TyLeishia L. Douglass

    What can I say to this but Amen.

  10. Veronica Mabry

    Couldn't have said it better myself!!! AND, some folks need to adhere to an EX is just that EX for a reason.-

  11. Benita Edwards-Anthony

    Darn right…Sounds like plain common sense to me… <3

  12. Pattria Platt

    Thank you young man, I am very proud of you! Good job!

  13. Tamarra Brown

    Thank you so much! You help so many get through the difficulties of relationships, and the making it through the storm of those relationships. Keep us informed!


  15. You have answered your own question…there is no love/respect/fulfillment. We teach others how to treat us honey, and God does not desire to see you treated this way.

  16. Ariana Bahhd Sims

    Thanks for the insight

  17. June Kimber

    These 3 things are so true

  18. Cenitha Shante Johnson Casnave

    Good info!

  19. Jene Tillis

    great article!!! Yes I want to forgive so I can move on and receive what may be there for me! A little doubtfulabout what or if love awaits but anger and bitterness eats you up I know I don't want that!

  20. Ceaser Roui

    so true. dealing with this type issues right now. this just helped remind me that the chances I've given for reapect never we met. so why would I think now it will Change. thank you

  21. LaTanya Roberts Watson

    I really needed this!!

  22. My ex n i just recently got back to but only after months n months of communication on a friendship basis n some growin on both of our parts we both realized tht the love was still there n the communication lines were open we've both grown so much n now hes my best friend who im marrying next year

  23. Amanda Phelim

    I had a Ex that would Hack my Facebook MySpace at the time and he got all Mad when he found I meet someone New he tried to Stop My Love he tryied everything you can think of and it Didn't work 🙂

  24. Tye

    Im struggling now with reason#3 I know she doesn’t deserve me and everything is just going to be the same as it was when I left but the illusions the mind gives you of happiness and love kinda reminds me of the song remember the time by the K.O.P Mj for the youngins I know its best for me without her but after 5years of living together being engaged and two beautiful boys my heart feels obligated to her even though I know I wouldn’t be happy ..its been months and part of me wants to put up with the bullshit and the smart half of me us like see ya im a very family oriented man I feel naked without my family I still see my boys but it just doesn’t feel the same

  25. Hossay Kakar

    I made that mistake and gave my ex chance to change himself, but later I realized that I was wrong. ..
    it was a mistake that hurts me every time, but iam happy that that mistake made me stronger to take a good and concrete decision. .

  26. Joyce Pack

    So true, about the respect. In ur face, to the point that if I even considered it please have me committed to a psych ward, have a bottle of annointed oil poured over me, and Jesus Himself would have to appear and tell me to retir

  27. May your relationship be God centered Latoya, I pray your marriage will be a marriage that honors God. You and your spouse honor each other, so it will be a testimony to others…

  28. Angelic

    It has been six months of trying to move on sometimes I find myself just waiting for him to show up at my doorstep to take him back. But I need to be honest with myself he never respected me. Why do I want that? He doesn’t want to change either. Pain in my heart. I need to let go. This helped remind me why. Thank you. -Angelic

  29. Roxanne

    I know that an ex is an ex for a reason right now it’s been a year I got out of a toxic relationship I got into after my son’s father proposed to me I said no and continued on getting to know this person about 4yrs ago and everything was nice and dandy something I’ve really never had up until our 3rd yr together where I found out he was cheating on me from the start I sat down just the other day and flashed back to the text I had received from my first love first boyfriend who is my son’s father reading will you marry me? and I clearly remember on asking him why did he want to marry me after walking out on me while I was pregnant we never argued never got violent w each other he responded w he wasn’t ready to be a father bc of fear that he would fail at it and fail our son and I was the only woman he truly loved and I’ve been the only one by his side and put up w everything and a woman like me he would never find nor could be replaced yes I love him and I only got into the relationship to forget him but through the years I have still loved him in silence and my ex knew but the relationship dragged along to 4yrs and the other day I received a text message from my son’s father that he wants to see his son and I but I got scared I didn’t know what to answer I feel ashamed of even have him see me bc of what I did please help

  30. My ex for 2 days now blatantly disrespected me when angry quite a number of times inthe past few weeks. Last year we were engaged. It has been a rough road getting back together but I was sure he was worth it. I felt my soul died when I was without him. That is how I am feeling now. Just broken. I wish I could just pcik up the phone and tell him how I feel. Hell, I can't even write it down it hurts so bad. I know I have to let it out this time to move on. I am just afraid once I start I won't be able to stop.April 1st will be 3 years for us with this on/off thing. I refuse to be disrespected or have someone who claims to love rip me of my spirit. Why not just move on? I know he can be so much more than that. That is my problem , always seeing the good. I am so angry right now. I could almost say I hate his ass. I am just broken for a bit. I will be alright. Sorry, I haven't had anyone to vent to because I am afraid to breakdown.

  31. Elaine Everhart

    Thank you for this article…Feeling real guilty about being with a man that was a narcissist and I did not respond in a very Christian way..Struggling to forgive myself and this article will help-It addresses all the issues I dealt with….Praying God will help me forgive him as well…Going back the last time when he said he changed I realized the love and HOPE was gone…

  32. I understand. This sounds just like my ex. But I realize i have to love myself first, determine what i want in the relationship then honestly evaluate the other person and if the relationship has been about fulfilling both our needs or just his needs. That gave me some perspective.

  33. Seiqoo Whyouwannaknow

    Number 3 was my reason for finally ending it my ex of 9 years. Yes , we have been exes for most of those nine for

  34. Princess

    What about the “friends with exes” (no kids together) apply? I feel my current relationship of 2 years is surrounded by my partners exes. His ex wife of 8-9 years ago constantly calls him. Im not sure if he answers behind my back but why is she still calling after all these years? (They had a bad marriage/divorce. No kids) The ex gf before me is still around. She hangs at the same establishment as we bothers me to go have a nice evening out and wind up there where she is. when we have problems and have split up he always ends up hanging out with her. Along the way when we did depart this summer for a short time he met some new friends (couples) and they all have become friends. it’s hard for me to get close and become good friends with these people knowing that they associate with her. I feel like I’m constantly hearing about this woman and not to mention my partner’s daughter still keeps contact with her and goes and visit and babysit her 7 year old daughter which is not his child and again his daughter brings up this woman and her child and even relays messages.they were together a few years off and on more off then on and again another bad relationship. how do I deal with the exes? Or as he says were just friends.

  35. Brie Joana

    Thank you, this put things into perspective! Clearly written! Word!

  36. Christopher Gipson

    Thank you… 🙂

  37. Not to say that I want my ex back because I honestly don't…But what I will say is that I know a few people that need to read this and understand that they must forgive so that they can heal…don't allow what you have been through in past relationships to dictate what happens in future relationships..

  38. Pamela El

    Thank you, I was entertaining going back. But I knew I shouldn't. After reading this article, you helped me see I need to keep going forward.

  39. Lewis Max Maxwell

    Going thru a breakup now. She has so much hurt that ive caused where reconciliation dont seem possible. After reading this article puts me at a crossroad. I want her back but this article kind of justifies her NOT to come back. Being alone ive done some self evaluation. Changes from within is a start in becoming a better person

  40. I'm close to my divorce date. Number three #3 expresses exactly what I feel. I've been married 6 years. 5 of which has been like the middle east conflict. Some things happened and I disconnected emotionally some years ago. Now, standing on the brink, I'm questioning. I'm used to her being around. Being there if I need someone. Loneliness is my greatest fear. I don't love her. So much has happened. But I now see its fear of the unknown has me second guessing myself. But I'm trusting in my god to keep me. Othank you for this article.

  41. Don Wolf

    I miss my ex…but my aim is getting better!

  42. Thanks for the clarity. Ive being in and out of a disasterous marraige for years now just for the sake of my boys. I cant do it any more.

  43. Michael Sinclair

    Thank you my brother. You've answered everything I was wondering. It is now much more clear on why I must move on.

  44. it's easy to understand when someone else says it and i realise now that i've been attached to my ex it aint love and i have to get rid of my need to be attached to him so much because it doesn't benefit either one of us. Being single doesn't mean i have to just accept any kind of attachment. Thank you for this post

  45. tknow3

    very true and on point thats my situation

  46. Chanda

    Sending proper text messages to get your ex back will spare him or her time to think of what their next move will be without the pressure if you use ygtfrd

  47. khin

    I want to appreciate priest tokubo for helping me to get back my ex with his powerful power, i tried all i could within my power to get my ex back but no result until i found a testimonies of how tokubo helped people to get thier ex back online,now am happy with joy in my heart to share this good news that am living a happy life with my ex now because my ex is back to me. for my major purpose is to inform those that are in need of getting their ex back to get in touch with this great man, priest tokubo and be happy in thier relationship just as i am….for help you can also get in touch with him by visiting his web site through his web site, just type, highpriesttokubo.wordpress. com on your browser Thank you once again priest tokubo.

  48. Stephanie

    I am dealing with this issue right now, but he isn’t an ex. We are currently together and I’m not sure of which category he should be placed. I am not afraid to leave the relationship. Stephen i need your help

  49. Virginia Hunter

    I don’t do E-Books. Are these e-books available as paperbacks?

  50. Glurin Lunic

    I was heartbroken when my husband said its over between us, so i got in contact with greatmutaba AT yahoo com who did a love spell that return my husband back to me , thank you great mutaba for your help, my husband is back to me , if you want his help contact him today greatmutaba AT gmail com

  51. Annah

    He Is The Best Spell Caster Online And His Result Is 100% Guaranteed.. I Got My Husband Back With The Help Robinsonb uc ler {gmail} com………………………

    Thanks for reading,

    I hope it helps.

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