“I thought I was becoming impotent two years into my second marriage and I panicked” says Alan, 42. “In the early days of our relationship, I had erections and enjoyed the lovemaking tremendously. Then sometimes I wouldn’t be able to get an erection or sustain it through intercourse. Dee was very understanding. She said I was pressuring myself to be a great lover for her and I should relax. Nice, but it didn’t reassure me. It’s like going to the doctor and your blood pressure is a little high. Relax he says but that’s Easy to say and much harder to do.
Actually I was freaking out about not getting it up. I didn’t tell her how frightened I was about becoming impotent, but I made an appointment with a therapist. The first therapist suggested medication after just a few minutes. Not for me, because I don’t want to be dependent on pills! Besides, those pills are expensive and when you read about possible side effects, I’m the kind of guy that ends up with them all! With the next therapist we talked through my performance problems. He said I was applying very strict standards to measuring my erections. True, I wasn’t getting many spontaneous erections, but that, he said, was not the real problem, the problem he said was the pressure I was putting on myself and obsessing about getting erections. He said worrying about sex was not exactly arousing. I was throwing off adrenaline with my anxiety and re-routing blood from my penis. When pressure and pleasure compete, he said, pressure wins! It took me a while but once I understood what was happening, I stopped worrying. I asked Dee to get me hard; and she’s very enthusiastic about doing that. If I hadn’t picked up some tips and received some reassurance, I might have worried myself into becoming permanently impotent.”
By the time men are 40 years old the majority will have experienced at least one erectile failure. It may be caused by fatigue, stress, not being in the mood (yes, that happens!) or too much to drink. This is a normal occurrence, but many men panic at the first sign of erectile problems. Now they are likely to run to a urologist and ask for one of the highly publicized erectile dysfunction (ED) pills, which they probably don’t need and may not find effective. Being in a new marriage might have intensified Alan’s responses to his perceived erotic failures. For other men it may be a new partner, stress, fatigue or a distraction that throws them off their game. Most men are sensitive to performance pressure and once they experience a failure they perpetuate it by worrying about another failure. They also try too hard and the harder they try the worse it gets.
These circumstances and a strong desire to please his partner combined with his lack of knowledge about how to deal with performance pressure set Alan up for failure. It is a classic example of what happens with most men who struggle with erectile failure. And once it happens most men obsess about failing, which makes failure more likely. Some common psychological causes of ED are the following:
Anger. Unacknowledged and unexpressed anger can sit on the end of a penis and hold it down.
Intimacy conflicts. Sometimes a man’s penis is trying to tell him something about his relationship. Conflicts that have been ignored or papered over for years can eventually cause sexual functioning problems.
Depression. Libido is often a casualty of depression, even low-level depression, especially if prolonged. A bout of ED can increase a man’s feelings of discouragement. Although antidepressants may lift the depression for some, the drugs may fail to lift the penis.
Stress. Men who don’t manage stress management face increasing bouts of ED, especially as they age.
Worry. Concerns about job security, personal finances, and family issues can also create a psychological climate for ED. If a man is feeling powerless in the world, he may convey that message to his penis. Generally, worry and stress are short-term situations. They may result in brief periods of ED that can be overcome with the proper guidance.
Intra-psychic Issues. Issues about intimacy, a hx of abuse, sexual orientation confusion and a whole host of complicated intra-psychic issues make treatment more challenging.
Performance anxiety. This is the big issue, the one that, let’s say, gets most men down. One occurrence of ED can set up a cycle of failure, anxiety, and more failure. In fact, performance anxiety is probably the most common contributing or secondary psychological cause of ED. How to deal with it, and other psych issues that impact ED: www.MindoverED.com
In Alan’s case, his erectile difficulty might have led his wife to blame herself for his lack of interest in making love and caused her to withdraw from attempts to initiate sex. If he hadn’t received good advice from a therapist he trusted and who directed him to a wellness program he could use on his own to regain his erectile capacity— www.MindoverED.com–Alan might have indeed worried himself into long-term erectile dysfunction.
The moral of Alan’s story: Don’t be so quick to jump on the pharmaceutical band wagon. Unless you are one sick puppy, the likelihood is that ED is an emotional issue, not a medical issue.
Stephan’s Side Note: This issue occurs a lot more than people realize. When it doesn’t get properly addressed it can have a very negative impact on that man and the woman he is in relationship with. The more we educate ourselves on the real issues the more we resolve them and move in a better direction.
8 thoughts on “The Most Common Causes of Erectile Dysfunction”
In the instance of ED I’d recommend a thorough physcial to rule out any underlying issues and then, just as the article suggests, RELAX. The fear culture that more and more seems to be the engine of our society will tell you that you should be afraid of your marriage falling apart, of being less of a man, and afraid of the danged zombie apocolypse so you’d better get some of these pills and quick! Take a deep breath. All of that noise is just the advertising. Turn off the TV. Turn off the radio. And remember the reasons why sex with your wife/significant other is enjoyable. It’s not some married man’s chore so take the pressure off and just have fun the way you used to.
D. Elaine Fields
most black men don’t get help! they just play it off like we don’t realize wants going on. 2. most just blame it on the women easy excuse. get urself sum pills and call it a day. its not a good idea to have ur women running around thinking about a hard one!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a brilliant read, and some of the information was completely new to me. It’s just so important that people do spend some time talking over the options before going down the route of taking any medication, which may not even help.
It’s also important that more men get over this embarrassment and do something about it. After all, who doesn’t want to have a healthy, happy, fun-filled active sex life? Great Post.
Get you some asparagus….
Intimacy is key, stop worrying and be more intimate with each other it works!!!
I always had my member complex
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Mostly men shift the blame to a woman when they experience the erecting problem, even when they know the truth and the real reason