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He Doesn’t Want A Girlfriend, But He Acts Like Your Boyfriend

confused boyfriend and girlfriend

Sounds confusing right? Like what the hell is wrong with this guy? Whenever you want to discuss becoming his girlfriend and taking things to the next level, this man insists he is not looking for a relationship. For whatever reason he decides to give you (i.e. too busy, emotionally unavailable, past hurt, etc) he doesn’t budge from his position of not wanting a girlfriend right now. For some of you it’s cool but for many of you a relationship is what you truly desire.

Regardless you continue to deal with him and it’s like you two are basically in a relationship. You hang out, talk, and do things that a girlfriend does which leaves you wondering where his head is really at. This man even gets bothered and shows some jealousy when you talk to other guys. So again what the hell is his problem? Why does he say one thing but he is showing you something else? Why won’t he just officially make you his girlfriend and stop sending you mixed signals?

Here is the reality for most of you that are in or have been in this situation. This man is telling you the truth when he says he does not want a girlfriend and a relationship. He is not prepared to be obligated to you or to commit to you. He wants to be able to deflect your questioning of his actions and his whereabouts. If other women come along that he wants to engage with; well he wants to be free to do as he pleases without any valid issue being raised on your part. What his actions are showing you is that he still wants the benefits and comfort of a relationship. He still wants the sex, companionship, and all the other things that a girlfriend provides which makes him feel good when he needs it. He likes the security of having you around and he will always have a fall back as long as he keeps you close. It really is as simple as that. If that man wanted to be in a relationship with you then he would make it happen. Hell some guys don’t even really want a relationship yet they will still lock the woman down to ensure that they get what they want. So if he isn’t prepared to officially make you his girlfriend then his mindset is clear, and you should take this man at his word on this one.

Let me make something painfully clear to all the women reading this. Most men don’t have to like you to want to have sex with you. Most men can enjoy your company yet never want to be in a serious relationship with you. That same man can become jealous and territorial if you talk to other men, yet at the same time have sex with many other women. I tell you this not to come off as negative but to share with you a harsh reality. It is in your best interest to understand that if a man is serious about you then he will be prepared to take action to back that up. He will be prepared to make you his official girlfriend and treat you as such. He will be receptive to your feelings and just as concerned about your desires as he is about his own. If you continue to give a man girlfriend benefits (some would say wife benefits) without any commitment then many men are likely going to take it. His decision to go along with this should not be confused with some secret desire you hope he has to one day be with you. You can continue to give and give and give yet still find yourself many months later with no relationship and possibly with him moving while making some other women his girlfriend. If he hasn’t made you his girlfriend after a good amount of time what makes you think that continuing to give him benefits is going to make him change his mind any month now. He told you he doesn’t want a relationship so why are you still essentially giving him one?

I know many women may be saying “why can’t men just be more honest about what they want”. Technically the man in a situation like this has been honest. He told you from the get go he didn’t want a relationship. If you choose to entertain this man and it all ends in disappointment he still can say “well I told you I didn’t want a relationship”. The confusion comes from not understanding how many men operate. Just like a lot men can have sex without emotions, many men can engage in relationship behavior without getting caught up emotionally as well. So if you want a relationship, then don’t make the mistake of accepting less than that man officially making you his girlfriend and behaving as he should in a relationship. Stop holding on to false hope and giving benefits to a man that isn’t prepared to make the necessary investment. He is being clear on what he wants, so now you need to be clear on what you are willing to accept.

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408 thoughts on “He Doesn’t Want A Girlfriend, But He Acts Like Your Boyfriend”

  1. Joelle Paule

    Great post Stephan. All I can say in this case is that it’s not fair to the woman then, men can have sex with you without liking you, men can enjoy your company witout being in a relationship with a woman. So we should do what? I mean I hear this all the time :that’s just how men are” OK if we are supposed to accept that this is the way men are, how about u guys accept that women want commitment from you guys, women want to be in relationships, they get caught up in feelings with guys! Why can’t you men accept that too? I just think it’s not fair for women cuz we get blamed for almost everything, as far as accepting being with a guy who says he doesn’t want a relationship.
     Another thing, if we are not in a relationship and he is jealous of me talking to other guys? then to hell with him!! We are just going to have to cut it off. If we are not in a relationship then allow me to talk to whoever I want to.
     OK I’m just a little frustrated today, but good article Stephan 🙂

    1.  What you do is don’t allow it! It’s that simple Men can only do what we allow. If you want a commitment from a man it needs to be CLEAR UP FRONT. We women tend to dill dally with what we want! If you want it and he does not time to find someone who does.

      1.  You go girl, I am just saying! You are right, stop trying to be like these fools and stay focused on what you really want, which I am sure is NOT being a booty call in most cases.

      2. Derrick Jaxn

        If what you want is more important than who you can have it with, then you’re right. But some men are worth the wait. It’s not all about sex, timing is critical. Have a baby prematurely and the chances for complications increase dramatically(analogy).


        1. Daneille Scott

          I dont think “waiting” is a good idea. When is the right time? There’s not really a right time, if you want to be with someone, you be with them & stick through it together. If it wasn’t right then it wont work. I think the girl should detach herself and go on with her life. & if he decided he finally wants to be serious then thats up to her to disapprove or not

          1. Rudi

            Think of it as “preparing”. This type of thinking has left broken families, bitter feelings and unhealthy communities in it awake for a long time. Mosten worth having aren’t willing to be raising other people’s kids or having their futures decided on the whims of their “partner”. Also, down the road those kids are an obstacle to a good relationship down the road.

        2. Moe

          I agree with waiting but I dont believe in being at a stand still. I was in this same situation for 2 months when finally I realized it was stupid so I left. I started a new job so I didnt really take much time out to text, call, or see the guy or anyone else for that matter. 2months after I left he called me to ask me out on a date. He said he realized he wants commitment and not just live by the fly because in the end it gets lonely. I didnt accept but it just goes to show that some guys will cone around eventually.

          1. Khaleesi

            Wow, I am so happy to read this. I really respect how you handled this

      3. Pixie

        I’ve been seeing a guy that said he don’t want a relationship! But makes me feel like a princess when I see him)! ( that being his choice ! ( WHEN) he even introduces me to his friends and family) treating me like I’m his girlfriend?! But when he sees I care and have feelings that are clearly broken everytime I part from him! He then will be honest and say he’s an arsehole and knows it! I always say to myself I won’t see him again! But when I get a phone call or message I go straight back to him! And enjoy every moment I’m with him 🙁 knowing I won’t see him again untill he wants to see me knowing he’s sleeping with other women and I seem to accept it?! Find it soo hard to say no?! Why am I doing this?! Whys he doing if to me?! X

        1. Rudi

          He’s not doing anything to you. You’re doing it with each other. Tough reality to face. You’re doing this because this guy is valuable to you for something.

      4. Stacey L. Morgan

        I was just about to type the same thing then I read your reply. Hit nail on the head! I do NOT understand why women get angry at how they ALLOW others to treat them…be angry with yourselves.

    2.  Just remember two wrongs don’t make a right! Yes Stephan is RIGHT ON with this article. I think most women take this the wrong way, STOP accepting crap from Dogs, and stop being Booty Calls for players that only want Sex. You have all the power when a Man really Loves you, so stop wasting time with these fools. Also don’t make yourself a Whore, just like he is to get even, because in the end the only person that will be hurt is you.

      1. zman

        “You have all the power when a man really loves you”
        If it is power you crave.when you make a man fall in love with you,its no wonder that some men fear giving you that power over them and choose to stay at a distance!!!

    3. LG Kathy

      Why are some of us women today not willing to look out for ourselves? Why are we afraid to walk away from a make believe relationship that is not serving us? For one thing, us women don’t always stick together. And so many men these days have an overinflated sense of their importance, and women are buying into that. Men and women are equally valuable. It just breaks my heart to see a women not know her worth and ALLOW this kind of inferior treatment. The poster below is correct- men are doing these crappy thing because women are ALLOWING it. We need as a group to learn to say -next- more quickly and move on, and let those kind of men find another fool.

      1. Rudi

        Good men are more valuable than in the past, much more rare. Same with good women.

    4. candy love

      That’s why I love that I’m a 100% Lesbian!

    5. Tony

      But at the same time, strangely enough I have had met women who only want sex and no commitment after a night in which I felt a great emotional connection, then she gives me cold shoulder, it just makes me much more into her. Now there is much more independent women.

      1. Rudi

        That’s a damaged woman Tony, recognize that.

  2. K. Major

    Great article!! I feel that a man should be allowed to do what he does and the woman should figure out if what he does is what she wants.  If its not WALK AWAY!!!

  3. Xklusive5

    Great post Stephan! I have been trying to get this point across to women for a long time but for some reason they resist the reality by blinding themselves with the possibility! Thanks for sharing this bc their are so many women going through this exact situation right now! Good Work!

  4. D Blue

    Women equate honesty with expressing feelings. Men equate honesty with expressing thoughts. The guy in this article was being honest. He expressed his thoughts. In male/female relationships it may be necessary to tune in to the gender frequency to hear better.

    1. oneinamillion

      I disagree: He cant say something and act in the opposite way…only works in relationships, Not on the Job, Not at court, Not in finance, Not in economics, Not with physical laws…aso. Please do not TALK his action GOOD. I find this not a good idea to support guys with this attitude and calling them honest!!!!

  5. krekre

    As a girl I’m totally ok to be such a friends with guys, but guys always forget that then i behave the same… having different guys every day and sex and everything… that makes them nuts, but what do they expect, that I’ll be sitting home waiting when they call for me? no! I accept reality, but guys also need to accept, that we can go around having multiple ‘friends’

    1.  WOW, be prepared for a sad life. Women can NEVER get even with guys being whores like them! I am sorry to be harsh, but I believe both Guys and Girls that sleep around are whores! If that is what you want, you have that right, but I am saying please don’t reduce yourself down trying to get even or keep up with these FOOLS!

    2. hhh

      I dated a guy who said he wanted a serious relationship but his behaviors didn’t match up and made me wonder, so. uI multi dated and was having my fun too. Then he finally came out of his true self saying he only said that to get sex, but saechoes he can have sex with lots of girls and I should have sex with only him. I said that’s not gonna happen dream on.

  6. MarcusP.

    Great post I will add alot of these situations don’t mean the two of you sleep together, some guys want the emotional bond but like some women have lost faith in the male/female relationship. I.e not really believing it will work, it may get too serious and constricting very soon but as a young man also like women we just want to have fun as well(not just talking about sex) so to the women in this situation be patient but upfront with him and like Stefan said cant handle it move on, but don’t waste anger over spoiled milk.

    1. Nikki

      I’ve been patient for over a year and I’m to the point of being tired. Do I care, yes! Do I wish we could be more and work it out, yes! Am I tired of trying, yes! It’s hard to let go when your heart is involved and hard to start over with someone new.

      1.  This is exactly why women need to learn the word NO to men when dating. No commitment, No booty! Men have been playing games for years, setting up booty calls, but the women think they are it. If you are begging a Man to be your Man, LEAVE RIGHT NOW!

      2. The reality Nikki is that fear is paralyzing you in this situation. I don’t doubt you care for the man but your fear of walking away from this investment, being alone, and starting over is making it hard for you more than anything else. Understand that even if this is the man for you, allowing things to continue as they are isn’t going to do you any favors. Either this guy is not the one for you or he isn’t ready to be that guy. So walk away and focus on being the woman you need to be. You can’t get what you deserve if you are too busy holding on to what you don’t deserve.

        1. Nikki

          I’m not scared of being alone and not willing to make a fool of myself just to say I have someone. But this guy wants to talk out problems and make them better when I just want to be left alone. I’m not used to that and stuff like that along with other things keep me interested. Now I have a child and he has no kids and often told me he needed to get himself together and be the man he needs to be before jumping in a serious relationship. But he treats it like a relationship! That’s the confusing part, he gets jealous, he can be around me and come to see me without us having sex. I respect his honesty and realness though I really do. I appreciate the fact that he can be honest with me and say I’m not ready. But it is confusing with your heart is involved and you know what you want but that other person feels they’re not ready.

          1. Well I can understand and respect him saying he isn’t ready. The problem is that you feel you are and continuing like this is starting to weigh heavy on you. If he needs time then so be it. You are doing the right thing by respecting that but he needs to do the right thing by respecting you don’t want to deal with this in between stuff. You can’t control what he decides to do so you can only focus on yourself. It is best you walk away and get yourself on the right track. When he is ready for something serious then there is no problem with exploring that.

      3. YaYa

        I have to completely agree with you nikki. I am in this situation and in one month it will be a year. I love him to death and have been just as patient as you, but he does not ever seem to budge.

  7. I’m sort of new to your articles Stephan!  I must say I do enjoy reading them. This article is on point, I’ll have to share it with some of my girlfriends :-)!  Maybe if they read it from a guy they will get it. I was raised in a home full of men so I am almost an expert on how it goes with most men. Nonetheless we women often forget our true power. We don’t have to succumb to our emotions, only to be left hurt and bitter. Men only do what we allow. We out here giving ourselves away, in hopes that a man will commit NO WAY!  We women are emotional creatures and often let our emotions think instead of our brains!! I do believe that we will one day (with reading articles like this) get it and stop allowing foolishness into our lives. Again great article I enjoyed reading it.

    1. LG Kathy

      You are one wise young lady, Dee, and I hope that your level head about men will rub off on any of your female friends that are not being so wise!

  8. Saritha Salter

    Wow, really opens your eyes to something… thanks for posting this!!

  9. Moses

    Interesting, this is EXACTLY where I am at this point in my life. I make no excuses about it. At this point, I do not want to be accountable to anyone, nor do I have the space, room, desire for any of the sacrifices a relationship needs. I am a very good listener, and I will listen to those I care for, and will dedicate time, and go out of my way to help when asked, and even inquire on the welfare of those I care for. But I don’t feel obligated to do anything for anyone other than be honest with my feelings. That is causing frustration with a particular woman, but I have been completely honest, and this has been a transformation. I also accept the fact that if I want something form her, she is not in the least obligated, and I can be left out in the cold, so to say. This is not a permanent shift, just where I find myself. Now, when this passes, i will not be one to advertise that, but I will be fully ready to commit to the truest definition of the word.

    Now, i believe a man should be the one to seek his wife, and the woman should prepare herself for her husband. When a woman tries to keep the man by believing he’s going to change, and continues to allow his complete freedom, she is setting herself up for PAIN.  Yes, females are more emotionally attached than men, and men are very superficial, physical. Why? It just is, and realize it. You don’t have to ACCEPT the behavior though. Like Stephan points out, a man will act like he’s your man, sharing his burdens, and worries with a woman, and she will see this as a relationship while he’s just unloading on you cause you’re there. We relate stress relief with sex, and women will allow it as well because he needs it. That’s crusty Bullshit. I can guarantee, try NO a couple of times, see if the behavior continues. Lunch if I lose.

    1.  Wow, man, you are full of yourself. I don’t think you know what women think, just like they don’t really know what you think. The problem is to many games! Women need to learn to say NO over and over again to guys like you.

      Yes I said it, women say NO! Find you a Man that truly loves you and then say YES all the time!

      1.  Good Morning  Marshall,
        I need you to explain why you say I’m full of myself. I’m sure there are a few that would agree with you. Enlighten us.
        In the meantime let’s talk to your points. You say “I don’t think you know what women think” – Right. I don’t. And I ask if I want to know what’s on a woman’s mind. How do women think in general? I have a very good idea. How? Well, having an incredible mother, which I’ve always had a wonderful relationship with, 5 sisters, over 12 aunts, and so on. As a SOLDIER for 20+ years, I worked with, I led, and I was supervised by many women. I’ve seen them do great feats, mentally and physically. I’ve seen them rise above obstacles you can’t even fathom. As a matter of fact, the very best boss I’ve ever had was a woman, and years later we parted ways and we still communicate. I am a single father of 2, and 1 is a teen daughter. And in a very successful post military career, I work alongside very intelligent and admirable women. I would say I do know something about women. But you already labeled me, so all that’s irrelevant.
        To your statement “just like they don’t really know what you think.” –  I have an answer for you there. If there is a relationship that matters, that woman will know me. I have great platonic relationships because of that. No woman will call me a dog because I lied to them. Never happened. You’re obviously basing your comment on 1-2 sentences, and you left out the crux in Stephans’ article “This man is telling you the truth when he says he does not want a relationship. He is not prepared to be obligated to you or to commit to you.” You say I’m full of myself because I’m being honest and take time to explain myself why I am feeling the way I do?  I can go on and on but, ahh, NVM.
        Next you say “The problem is to many games! Women need to learn to say NO over and over again to guys like you.” Marshall, did you read the portion (apparently not) “Yes, females are more emotionally attached than men, and men are very superficial, physical. Why? It just is, and realize it. You don’t have to ACCEPT the behavior though. Like Stephan points out, a man will act like he’s your man, sharing his burdens, and worries with a woman, and she will see this as a relationship while he’s just unloading on you cause you’re there. We relate stress relief with sex, and women will allow it as well because he needs it. That’s crusty Bullshit. I can guarantee, try NO a couple of times, see if the behavior continues.” –We men have been categorized as superficial, lustful, weak for flesh, and more since Aristotle. My statement “You don’t have to ACCEPT the behavior though”, is paraphrased by you – “Yes I said it, women say NO! Find you a Man that truly loves you and then say YES all the time!” so, you give support to what I say Marshall.

        You also say “Women need to learn to say NO over and over again to guys like you.” When the opposite is fact. How? I’m being 100% truthful and honest. No woman will deny they prefer HONESTY.  Apparently you’re relating HONESTY to COMMITMENT.  I’m a very honest, candid man. I’m also the most caring, gentle, considerate and thoughtful man any woman can desire and have. If a man does not want a commitment, a woman needs to know, so she can have a choice.
        Again, I can go on, but NVM. I love my career, and I’m going to have a great blessed day.

        I will take this opportunity to highlight the owner of the blog, Stephan.  One MAJOR difference about his technique I have to highlight as admirable is he answers to  the question, not the person. If he answers a question, he will not say “You are messing up”; rather he will point to the subject as “The issue is”… He might answer to the person to his individual clients, that I don’t know.  But in the name of some calling themselves as No Nonsense, Direct, or To the Point”, there is offense, when it can be avoided. Stephan is candid, direct, answers questions, counsels his audience but does it with all in mind, and in a way an 18yo or a 60yo man or woman will enjoy reading his articles and learn. Many, especially myself, can learn some tact. I’m no ass kisser by far, but I will PRAISE in PUBLIC.  So Stephan, great blog, and wish you, your family and dear ones a blessed Holiday Season Bruh!

        1. Quietstorm

          I do believe most women would appreciate a man who comes into the dating situation with a clear cut statement of his intentions…such as “I am looking to enjoy my time with you and am still open to dating others. I don’t have intentions of having a relationship with you at this point, but do enjoy your company”. If a gentleman did say that…well, yes…it’s up to a woman to decide where she wants to go next with it.
          I believe this scenario is not one that occurs too frequently. I believe what many women encounter is a man who shows interest through frequency of interaction, some investment in special treatment, compliments, and even letting her into “his world”…signs that most women would take as a serious indication of interest. However, you have men that will invite you in to their world and do the follow up simply to keep you in their rotation…sadly, the women are feeling so special about your kindness, that they mistake it for true interest…when the man has no real interest in anything long term. The man can pride himself on treating “his friend” well and she goes along with it believing that there is a union…some guys will even go as far as calling you his girl, or his lady, and telling you that you have a monogamous relationship and then at a later date you find out that he doesn’t want a commitment…once you’ve already given him your heart, your investment, your body…a woman may not say NO because everything that he is showing her makes her feel safe to say YES. And out of the blue…it’s a NO whether she wants it or not. I think women need to check for and refuse to be in denial of the signs…they are usually there…whether they are signs that he’s ready to scream from the mountain tops that he’s all yours and he wants you as his own…or signs that he’s keeping his options open…we shouldn’t make excuses for his behaviors when they are less than we deserve or want…when they show he’s keeping his options open…we shouldn’t lie to ourselves about who he is…while we actually are simply holding on to who we would like him to be in our lives…it’s sad but the games that are played are often being played by both parties…No is a great answer…but, it’s just not always that easy because people can be master manipulators…we tend to live in some state of denial and we are somewhat control freaks….we want what we want….but when it comes down to it…the truth is what it is…either your in or your out…you have to determine what that means to your life and how you manage it and minimize damage. As far as I am concerned, in this day and age with all the dangers of sexuality and dating…I choose me first…so…if you don’t want to be accountable and in a devoted relationship…I won’t let you touch this, possibly cause damage and then try to toss me aside…I care enough about myself to say NO to that.

    2. A woman

      Okay, so you are saying this is how men operate and women should realize and accept male behaviour and simply say “no” if they don’t want to tolerate it.  I get it, and it seems very simple because it is, kind of.  What many women however are going to say or think when they read your response above is that it isn’t so simple.  Because, men don’t always on day 1 of you meeting them tell you, “I don’t want a relationship.”  If they did, there wouldn’t be tons of women out there raising an eyebrow and getting upset when they hear men say “that’s just how we are, deal with it.”  The problem I see, and that I have experienced first hand is that men can literally lead you on and for months have you think you are in a relationship or heading there, and then change the game up on you for no reason and say after several months, “I don’t know if I am ready for a relationship…” after months of saying he wants one with you.  Are women emotional creatures? Yes.  But I am tired of people saying that about women and not about men.  Men are emotional too, just in different ways.  It’s almost as though they are let off the hook when it comes to responsibility when it comes to emotion – and not hurting people.
      I do not care if it’s genetically embedded in a male’s DNA to play the field or relate stress relief with sex, or if they are not as emotionally attached with sexual things…I care that they use this as an excuse to not be a decent human being and just be HONEST and up front.  Because, many men do not tell the woman from day 1 that they want no relationship.  If they did, trust me, most women wouldn’t waste their time.  It’s the issue of men giving mixed signals to emotionally manipulate the woman and keep her around and the woman most of the time wants to trust him – because that’s what human beings do – you either give someone a chance or you distrust everyone.  So you give him a chance and he strings you along and one day decides to divulge how he doesn’t actually really want a relationship…anymore.  And then the woman has had her time wasted, and the guy basically got to that point by being somewhat emotionally manipulative, because inside he knew all along he was stringing a person along, he knew all along the woman wanted a relationship and he didn’t…but used the woman.

      Let’s not mince words when it comes to men either.  As a woman I am sick and tired of this kind of dishonest behaviour being masked and labelled and intellectualized as male behaviour.  Fine, call it what you want to call it.  But being HONEST or respecting another human being’s emotions is something both males and females are capable of doing.  So when a man can’t be that decent person and uses a woman and strings her along, let’s call a spade a spade.  Men are capable of honesty – some of them just don’t like to exercise that muscle.  It’s called being deceitful and dishonest when the woman says she wants a relationship and he pretty much says the same and then turns it around on her months later.  It’s called using someone.  It’s called hurting someone for your own gain, and it is a shitty thing to do.  Saying that’s just how men are is giving them a free access pass to be assholes to everyone. 

      Women are not doorknobs.  If a man says on the first date, “Hey, I want no relationship with you, ever, and I never want to be exclusive with you” there would BE no confusion.  The reason this guy even wrote this article is because there is confusion.  And you know why? It’s because maybe MEN need to understand how WOMEN operate – which is – they are emotional, they want what they want too – so if you are on a date, what the hell are you doing on a date or seeing a woman if you don’t want to date her? Either tell her the truth from day 1 or just don’t date, or play the field and be honest that you are a player and playing the field.

      Such a double standard.  I am just seriously tired of it.  The woman is always to blame.  Even when she chooses to trust a man who says I want a relationship, then no I don’t want a relationship months later, she is the one who is called crazy or clingy for believing he cared for her and wanted a relationship.  Women are not stupid.  If a guy tells them he doesn’t want a relationship, most of them won’t stick around.  The reason most women are left confused is because men mostly are too cowardly to face their own conscience and themselves, and admit to themselves they are doing something wrong by stringing someone along and giving them false hope.

      So I agree with you – yes, women, if you want a relationship and the guy indicates that he doesn’t – obviously, you should take that at face value and leave.  But the issue is that the women are not told on day 1, “Hey, I just wanna use you for sex, and I will proceed by playing with your emotions and manipulating you and then when I am tired of you or someone else comes along I will suddenly out of nowhere tell you I do not want a relationship.”  Also, most guys say they want one or are in one and then make up their minds that they suddenly don’t.  So yeah, it’s kind of insulting to write something where you’re telling women something they already know – to walk away from a guy when he wont commit to you.  What you left out is that maybe the guy should tell the woman from day 1 what he really intends…why is it always left to the woman to be responsible with someone’s feelings?  That’s kind of the issue I have with this man vs. woman thing.  It isn’t a male vs. female issue to be a decent human being and be honest with someone…and that’s all most women are asking for.

      And personally, to me, it seems kind of cold and robot-like for any human being to have sex or be intimate physically and have no emotional feelings towards the person.  I am sure there are a lot of people who agree with me.  It seems like as time goes on we are living more and more in a over-sexed and under-sensitive world.  I believe men (and women, because it goes both ways) who do this to their partners or to a guy or girl are being irresponsible, cruel and mean to someone and essentially are wasting someone else’s time and using another person for their own gain.  That is called being a selfish asshole, not “just being a guy”.  There are decent men and there are those who use excuses for crap behaviour.  Crappy behaviour is crappy behaviour, whether you want to intellectualize it and blame it on male hormones.  If you have a daughter, like you responded below, ask yourself how you’d feel if an amazing woman you know was screwed over like that. 

      So in summary, women are not crazy and are not stupid, and when a guy is CLEAR and says “I do not want a relationship” they get it and leave him alone unless they have issues.  The problem is that men rarely do this, which is why there is confusion. THe reason they rarely do this is because they want to have their cake and eat it too, by using someone until they get tired of it.  If men were this clear, there would be no confusion – women would not be confused.  The confusion is with the mixed messages/aka emotional manipulation aka men using the woman.  ugh…never mind, I could go on explaining this for years and I still don’t think some men would get it.  If you want women to respect men for being men and know what their behaviour is like, men should respect that women are emotional creatures too and maybe they should be taught in society to be honest, don’t lead a woman on, etc.  Instead I find it’s the opposite most of the time, like articles written about women “not getting it” when it comes to men.

      You just need to realize that women are different than men if you wanna talk about behavioural patterns, and that is how men and women get each other.  You say you believe men should be the ones pursuing the woman and the woman should be the one readying herself for marriage…but that is exactly what a woman is doing when she trusts a man she is dating…who says he wants a relationship.  Trust me, no guy says on the first date, “I am not interested in ever being exclusive with you.”  It’s always an emotional manipulation game if it’s a guy that eventually admits he doesn’t want a relationship, and that is where the confusion comes in.  and it isn’t because he’s a man…it’s because he was too much of a coward to say it from day 1 and admit he is not the nicest person, because he wants to seem nice so he can get into your pants and then scram.

      The only point I agree with you on is that women should put up their own respective boundaries.  If you’re a woman who like many women equates sex and physical intimacy with emotion, do not have sex or become physically intimate with a man before he commits to you.  Tell him that from day one and I’m pretty sure by seeing how fast he will run in the other direction will indicate what he saw you as in the first place – just a piece of meat he wanted to use.   If he stays and wants to commit to you, you have the answer then too.

      Maybe the only way to avoid heartache is finding out from day 1, and communicating to the man – I am dating because I am looking for someone to be serious with one day, and then asking the doofis guy “do…you…want…that…too” and then he will say yes or no, and you have your answer.  So yeah, sometimes it’s not women who don’t get it, sometimes it’s men who just think it’s okay to be vague or say nothing, but by being in the role of the a relationship…just without the label, he is kind of being a jerk  and not being truthful…and that is what hurts women (or vice versa) – is stringing her along and then changing it up on her or not being honest when she asks what you want.  It’s like men do it so they cant be called cheaters, and they also wanna be seen as a nice guy, but they wanna get into your pants, but they are kinda sorta lying about the relationship thing so they can just say whatever they have to say, to get into your pants, and then they wanna say “hey, this isn’t my responsibility” at the end of it.

      1. somegirl

        Thank you so much for this. I’m in this exact situation right now and you perfectly articulated my frustrations. 5 months with the guy, I finally ask what’s going on with us and he says he’s not ready to be a boyfriend. So why act like one? Why not say this from the very first day so I wouldn’t take you seriously?? What if I’d never asked and had just kept waiting for him to make it official? (it was bound to happen any day now, so it seemed.) And now that I’ve invested all this emotional energy into this not-quite-relationship, it’s difficult to walk away. I enjoy spending time with him, he makes me happy, we don’t have any other problems etc etc. plus my dumbass gave him my virginity. I don’t even know.


          Can I ask what happened in the end? This has just happened to me and at the moment I am in complete turmoil.
          Also after 5 months with the guy, I ask him what we are, and he says he doesn’t want a relationship.. Yet through the whole of it he’s acted like my boyfriend? I recently found out he had been speaking to another girl who he had met on a night out, so I decided to put an end to it. However, he acted like a boyfriend right up until I confronted him about what we were and why he was speaking to another girl..
          I’m so confused!

      2. hhh

        You are totally right on!
        men. Will ways lie to get sex, so we women should multi date until the one who behaves step up.

      3. Opinion m

        In my opinion a REAL MAN know what if want from the beginning instead of doing all this testing water with different women he’s going to search for his one. So really this situation that the topic Is about Is going for the woman who happen to run in to a male who Is still in learning. Who doesn’t know all the games playing now will make them miss out on a REAL WOMEN who Is dependable trust worthy and love only them.

        1. LisaB

          Preach ! Ms.Opinion preach !

      4. frombootsbacktoheals

        You hit it on the nail with everything. Sumed it up to the T. More women should read this so they get it and stop feeding into the hands of manuapilitive men and emotional detached men. Ugh. AFTER THREE YEARS SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHERE ARE THE REAL MEN. REAL MEN old fashioned men before all of this corruption with solving media and the music bands to make her dance crap if there is a real man out there do u exist please show urself bc a real women needs that. When a real man steps to me like he should because he doesn’t have a motive of being selfish greedy mean dishonest trying to have his cake and eat it too and I could go on and on and on and on then more real ladies will reveal themselves. My adopted parents were together for years loved one another for years now some men and I do say some seems more like 5% of 95% of men do right and they are already married so where are the rest of you all at. Aren’t you tired of being players one day when you ready for something real karma will kick in and you won’t have the women you invision because what goes around comes around just know that. Be greedy mean dishonest but if thats the type of man you are then just be alone until you deal with your issues. And stop complaining you didn’t have a dad to show you so you turbed the streets or you saw your mom accept any type of man so yoi figu red it was ok. Negro please when you turn the age of 18 you become your own man n you set the guidelines for how a real man should act toward a women. I’m not saying some women don’t act the same way they do and karma will kick them in the butt too but we need to stop all of this behavior and just learn to honest faithful and loving. Once again where are all the real men at?

      5. KTG

        Men used to have live up to a certain standard to even date a woman.
        Women are sacred, we carry both men and women in our wombs. Modern day respect for women is as rare as seeing a rainbow. Rainbows exist, we see them every so often, sometimes double yet it’s not “normal”. Much like respect for women, it’s not the norm.
        Women expect what they want and desire because, guess what?! We know we deserve that. We know that this is the TRUE NATURE between man and woman. Women are sacred, the most honorable creature. A woman can do many things and love deeply because this is our power, our gift and our way.
        We are Goddesses and Gods. Deep down women remember their divinity, it is MEN who have forgotten this.
        Don’t give any man a choice, give it the normal amount of time. When YOU feel it’s time to commit in some way, make it known and if they can’t RISE UP to honor your divinity. Leave them.
        The one thing he left out is the fact that men ALWAYS come back AFTER you’ve cut the cord. ALWAYS, like clock work.
        So this validates that we are right. Either they come back in time to feet up the best of themselves or they will be too late.
        Men are the ones who “didn’t get it the first time”.
        Stay strong, we are divine. A man who knows this truth is a King among peasants.

      6. Louise Tipple

        Brilliant comments. I agree about being honest as a woman from the beginning. Before I started dating my lovely boyfriend I had 2 men interested in me. I was very clear from the beginning that I was looking for a relationship, not something casual and asked them what they were looking for. Both said they just wanted something casual. Often if you ask a man from the beginning they will be honest. I immediately told them both that I didn’t want casual because I had been hurt before. Both respected that and are now great friends. Both went on to have casual relationships with other girls. The girls they dated knew from the beginning that the guys in question didn’t want a relationship but got involved anyway and then pushed for more. If you do that then you only have your self to blame. I now have two lovely friends, who are actually really nice guys. They respect me and do actually want a relationship with the right person but they were clear from the beginning that I was not that person. Ask and then you know. Be clear from the beginning what you want and don’t accept anything less. Yes there are still liars out there who tell you what you want to hear but in my experience you can avoid this in the beginning if you are honest and upfront and ask their intentions before you have any physical contact with them.

      7. Denise Rentie

        OMG! I cud just shake your hand, you said exactly how we feel. There is no excuse for that behavior period. The funny thing is karma is a beast & they always reap what they sow. Then feel some kind of way when the role has been reversed.

      8. April Jones

        Wow this is how my ex acted, I told him today I rather not see him again because he doesn’t want to date me, he still acts like a boyfriend, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship, wants relationship benefits without being in an actual relationship. WeIp, I refuse to be in another friends with benefits situation cuz that’s exactly what it is if you’re not dating the person you’re sleeping with. So instead of being used and strung along anymore, I put my foot down and said I’m not seeing you again. What’s the point of seeing someone that won’t date you?? Omg, so mad he said he wanted to date me in the beginning and said we were in a relationship for 6 months before saying,”Uhh ya, I don’t wanna be In relationship now.. Oh, I wanted to date you, but now I don’t”.. yet still want the benefits of a relationship.. F’ that.

    3. Rudi

      The only problem with this perspective is that it refuses the reality that women are equally sexual creatures. No one wants to mention it but there’s a reason that they tolerate such instability and lack of love in their lives, hell, they’ll even put their babies through untold drama and trifling nonsense for it and never even once face the fact that it was all for the feelings aroused by sex.

      1. Oksana

        what a bullshit ! a woman who respects herself just keeps it cool- if she understands that a man wants it to be casual (and it’s not nessesary has to be told- it’s clear from the men’s behavior) then she just decides either left him or have this casual relationship but without GF benefits for him- why to spend energy on someone who doesn’t pay back with the same? Men who tries to get the benefits without obligations from thier side are simply immature (they want woman as a mother not as a partner).
        And of course there are such things a hormons (oxitocin) which make woman to be more invloved into man than she maybe would like to. But again when you realize that, you know it has to be more to truly like someone than just emotions and phisical attraction

  10. Ms Sadly

    Yeah thats why I do what I do. I keep em as friends and when I decide to be with them I let them know other than that I aint giving em nothing! I believe a man needs to win my time and heart. I dont have to play no games, I just keep all things honest and if they dont like it oh well! I do me cause I got tired of being some one’s secret. I am worthy of love and when I have a man like that then yes I will let my guard down. Until then men keep it moving! I am good. I have been burnt before and I am learning my lesson. I may cry about a past man, but I got not be played again.

    1. Just making sure you truly address the pain and hurt from the past. Your last line makes me feel that maybe there are some unresolved issues and that you are now operating with walls up to protect yourself. Many times the same walls we use as protection are exactly what ill block our blessings from being received.

  11. Kandiegirl1020

    I can truly appreciate this article!!!! I am in this very situation right now..and I hate it!! Its been 3 years, with a benefits only start. We cheated on others with each other. Then about a year and a half ago we got much closer, were together in the same house (but not officially living together) everyday, helped each other, introduced the kids, holidays together, hung with the parents, a complete relationship from the outside, but with no real commitment. My demands grew and then one day he says I don’t want this, it feels to much like a relationship, i should have never started spending so much time with u. (He always said he doesn’t want a relationship)Talk about feelings hurt and confused!! That was 8 months ago and I’ve been trying to move on since but my heart won’t. I blocked his calls, he pops up at the house. Every time i get it together to be done, he kicks it up a notch. Now i have really had enuff sad days crying and confusion and when i finally put my foot down and say no, he wants to talk about how he thinks i am the one for him, he’s jus not ready yet, he doesn’t want to lose me..why can’t i be patient and let things naturally happen..after 3 years, i deserve sometime who knows and is ready..but my heart is holding on to hope that he will chg before i actually walk away for good. Reading this has bought clarity to mind..and possibly what i really am to him, his fallback 🙁 Now i don’t know what to do. Do i just be his friend and cut out sex? Do I ignore him all together and dont even give him the time of day? (which is insanely hard) At this point I am truly in love with this man and can’t imagine him out of my life all together. Not to mention the kids..i feel like a woman lost and i hate this position i have put myself in.

    1. Nikki

      I can totally relate to this!! It’s been over a year for me and I get the “I think you’re the one for me but why rush it. Let it happen naturally”. It is very frustrating and hard especially when they treat it like a relationship and seem to genuinely care. I’ve pulled away plenty of times but he always comes back, he’s the one that don’t want it to end. I have 1 kid and he’s great with her. I’ve met some of his family he’s met some of mine. Usually with guys the least little thing if I feel I’m not getting what I deserve I’m gone! But with him it’s different. So I definitely feel where you’re coming from.

    2. I know this has been very difficult for you. Despite his attempts to not go away quietly and even saying he thinks you are the one for him; one things remains clear. He is not prepared to be the man you need him to be and enter in to a serious relationship with you. Even if you want to hold on to hope that this will change that doesn’t mean you continue to deal with him on a girlfriend level. I think you need some distance from this man to allow you to gather yourself and properly evaluate everything. It is hard to do that while in the midst of al the confusion. Cutting out the sex is a definite and I do not believe you can handle friendship with this man right now. You say you are in love but I question if that this is actually a deep unhealthy attachment. You deeply desire for this to work out especially after all the time and energy you invested. That doesn’t mean this is true love and if you honestly feel you are just his fallback well then that makes it even less likely. Don’t dwell on the position you have put yourself in, focus on the direction you will now move in. You know what you need to do deep inside but you struggle with it. Just embrace it and trust that no matter how this will all eventually play out, right now is not the time and walking away is necessary.

    3. Kandie

      Thank you Stephan. I truly appreciate it. I read this almost daily to remind myself of what role I don’t want to play. Jus when I catch myself slipping, I refer to this. Ur response helps to give me strength and sustain my mind! Thank you for taking time.

  12. Mrcoats948

    Ladies stop crying, and definitely stop being so THIRSTY for love. Enjoy the moment, life is too short to bitch about shit happening.

    1. Bleh

      If you knew that biologically your dick was going to stop working and dry up at age 50 and you would become bald and one foot shorter automatically at age 30, I’d like to watch how thirsty your ass wouldn’t be.

      Women are up against a biological countdown and you’re not so STFU.

  13. siara

    This is unfortunately very true but necessary for many women to know. Great read!

  14. Derrick Jaxn

    Great post Stephan. Very well said. While you made some valid points, I believe you left one on the table. My personal experience, I’m acting as if I’m in a relationship but not wanting the title, exclusivity, etc that comes along with. The reason being is not so I can meddle with other women, but so I can meddle with the success I’m after. Basically there’s more to a healthy relationship than being faithful. There’s the comittment of time and energy that’s required. I’m 23 and just beginning my career path and I’m honestly devoting everything I have to just that. There’s not enough of me to go around. My grind consumes me. So when my “Love interest” brings up relationship, I shy away from the subject. She wants to contribute but I’m not seeing how that can happen. Her clingy nature is much more fitting for a more established me who’ll have more time to be just as clingy back to her.  

    1. Mosesjustmoses


      Very well put. I agree that career goals do take precedence for some and that is 100% just. In addition to your career goals,  your age does play a role when added where you are in your goals.  I say this in contrast to myself, who is at a comfortable place in my career, and not as young. Well, nowhere near as young!
      That is a hard pill to swallow for some who might not have the same aspirations, or driven as yourself, and place a committed relationship first, along with all  the effort a healthy relationship needs. At least you’re communicating, and that should make the pill less bitter.

    2. I completely understand where you are coming from. The thing is though this makes perfect sense for you is it really fair to the woman involved. She can’t always be sure which man just needs some time and which man is simply stringing her along. If you don’t have time for a relationship and it isn’t about sex than by all means establish a friendship. Which by the way sets up a future relationship even better in my opinion. It’s just that behaving like a boyfriend when you are not prepared to give her the commitment can cause more drama and issues than most of us men would like to believe.

  15. Brkashley

    OMG… Story of my life… So I stopped this situation after 3 years! Now I have commitment issues and trust issues, how do I recover? How can I go back to being a good women when my mind just tells me to “do the next man like the last few men did you” then I end up losing out because I don’t know what’s real and I’m playing him like he’s trying to play me! Or I assume he is. I am very thankful for have reading this, but because I am a “victim” now I am no good to anyone because I refuse to allow myself to get treated or done this way… 🙁

    1. You understand that your current approach isn’t best and that is a good thing. The first step is forgiving that man and yourself for holding on to the previous situation longer than either of you should have. Whats done is done but you have to let that negativity go. That situation is not a representation of what you will deal with moving forward. It is for you to learn from and now you have a better understanding of what you truly desire and how playing that game does not fit into your plans. You deserve a great relationship but you have to embrace that fact in order to receive it. We all make mistakes but it’s time for you to move on from this one and move forward in a more positive direction.

  16. Melissa Patterson

    It’s almost as though i wrote this article myself. I always knew this but was following my heart instead of following my brain. I have cut him off for the last of many times and will never let him try to manipulate and hurt me again. This has been a difficult choice but it needs to be done.I have missed opportunities to date a wonderful man and I am going to take him up on that offer.
    One thing that really confuses me though was whenever I introduced him as my friend and not my boyfriend be it on the telephone or out in public he would become very upset. So there you go, mixed messages  I suppose. He has been calling ever since I broke it off and I do not answer his calls. Well, well, well look who is calling as I am typing this, wow!  I am willing to accept to respect myself and not fall for this sort of thing again.
    Hopefully the next girl doesn’t get taken like I have. Thank you for the article. 🙂

  17. A lot of women cant handle the truth. Thats really the bottom line. 

  18. Joewoods73

    When a man says “he doesn’t want a relationship” what he is really saying he doesn’t want wone with you, but you are good enough hang around with until a better option comes along or someone  he really wants to get involved with. You are the “OK” girl, the BWB, the play girlfriend, the crutch to fall back on when the better option doesn’t work out. If you allow then to do this to you then shame on you! Kick this dude to the curb and go find someone who truely wants a relationship and wants to make you happy. Otherwise keep crying the blues because you got used!

    1. Jane

      I would not even consider that being a ‘friend’, what these guys are doing to women out there. That is not a friend! I finally called that guy (he told me by phone friday night he was going out and busy saturday, did not call sat night or sunday or monday or tuesday, so I called last night. I did not act mad, but I kind off pocked front of him, I said”I was checking to see how you are, have you been sick!! He said he is suffering from the winter blahs. He said he had called me again by the line was busy and he did not leave a message. He said he spent his weekend ‘with the guys” ( I guess he is too sick to go out with me but not them!). Then he asked me ‘how was your weekend?. I was somewhat angry but I controlled myself, I said I have a quiet weekend, as I needed that time to get my computer business in order. I am so glad I found this site, it think god directed me here….because I feel an emotional release this morning and free. I will not worry about him anymore he is not relationship material. I will not call him anymore unless he calls me. So at the end of the call, I said”do you want me to drop over, he said no I will be doing laundry t hen may go to work for an hour. I should not have mentioned that! He ended the call”good luck with your test (he knows it is not until 9 days away, so I take it he is showing a huge sign there). Funny thing is he acted very interested and told me how attractive I was!

  19. Rakelchase

    Seriously, he doesn’t want a serious relationship yet keeps showing up and calling. Guess what I changed my phone number, blocked him and his family off my BB, facebook and yahoo chat. Final part I moved. His pathetic user sick self can never ever get access to me again!

  20. D. Elaine Fields

    My God, who wouldn’t want all the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibility that goes with it?  Of course that’s what he’ll do if you let him, don’t be silly!  And don’t be mad that you didn’t think of it first.  Ladies, if what you want is a lasting relationship then the best thing will be to find someone who wants the same thing.  Being unequally yoked in a relationship is an emotionally dangerous waste of time.  When I was younger I couldn’t ever get or keep a man behind male “friends” that were always hanging around at the worst times chasing away prospects or trying to cloud my mind with their BS.  Even without sex a lot of guys love to have a girl around that they can call just to hang out, that might fix them a nice meal or likes to watch animae or play x-box just as much as they do.  There’s more to a man’s craving for female compainionship than sex and once they’ve found it they’ll do anything to keep “baby sis” off to the side.  They don’t want other men sniffing around and the last thing they want is for her to become somebody else’s woman.  Break out!  Let him know – you’re not my man.  And then let your actions speak even louder than your words.
    D. Elaine Fields

    1. LG Kathy

      Love it, Elaine! Preach! I bookmarked you site, and will check out Love and Lies later!

  21. Amy

    yep my ex and i broke up and we still kept in contact and he said he didnt want a relationship. then within two months he is now in a relationship with a woman 15 years older then himself. 

  22. Colleenreid89

    So glad I read this. This is exactly the situation im in now. I couldn,t understand why he didn,t want a relationship yet expect me not to date other guys. Everything is a whole lot clearer after reading this. Brilliant post. Maybe he is not worth waiting around for after all. 🙂

  23. K.Carter

    Oh this one is really what I needed to hear!! It sounds EXACTLY like the man I fell for only to get heartbroken. I was always secretly hoping he would change his mind about not wanting to be in a relationship and finally make me his woman! It never happened though, but now I know how to take a man for his words and more importantly his actions. I went to meet his mom, sister, cousins and all of his ‘boys’…so I thought I was “in there” and we would be together, but that meant nothing and to be honest I am now happier now that I’m freed of his needy ways and him not giving me a thing in return. 

  24. Tcherina99

    It’s not just about sex.  I don’t sleep with guys before marriage, yet I’ve had this sort of thing on the emotional level, where they still strung me along, dropped many hints and mixed messages, and still got in the way of me liking someone more serious.  What was confusing was that many people said the guy is just “taking it slowly” and that he was a good guy since he wasn’t pushing me to sleep with him (well some tried and when they didn’t get what they wanted they still hung around and strung me along).  Still, I think the best bet here is not to sleep with them.  I’d have been even more hurt if I had and been strung along at the same time.  But on the other hand, any guy sending mixed messages and doing the same scenario, whether you are sleeping with him or not, is still using it for an ego boost.  In fact, I later read this in a book, that you don’t have to be used physically to be used, it can be emotional, too.  That if you have some qualities about you, such as good looks, talents, popularity etc that makes them feel good about themselves to have you waiting around for them, then they can still use it in the same way. 

    I think one thing the writer doesn’t factor in is that women get more attached, even when they thought they wouldn’t.  Then even when they realize what is going on, it is very hard for them to get out of the situation.  Also, some guys who send mixed messages are also very hard to get away from (manipulative) and can make it very difficult for the girl if she tries to contront them about it or leave (and women are generally more sensitive).  Except when the guy is ready to leave of course.

    Also, I don’t think most girls realize they are going to be strung along until they are deeper into the situation, and then it is harder to get out.  There is a myth that only commitment shy girls go for guys like this.  In fact, many girls want a commitment but are just not able to see until later (either from lack of experience or the guy’s expertise or both) that the guy does not..     

  25. Vikkibmspoetry

    Mr Stephan, I have been with a man like this for on and off for about a year, I continued to spend time with him because I am not ready to be in a relationship either. A problem arose with this “relationship” when I found out I was pregnant. Now he not only doesnt want a relationship but doesnt want the child. So to say stay away from a man like this is an understatement, wish I had read your article earlier.

  26. Elea

    I have a somewhat similar case. My boyfriend broke up with me months ago, something about ”not feeling what he used to” (we were together for about a year and a half already).. At the moment, we are still, in a way, ”together”, its a thin line between friendship and more. When we are together, he seems like a completely different person who is affectionate and likes me a lot, then later when we talk online (we live about 5km from each other), he always seems to be completely different, not that friendly or affectionate and often says ”yeah maybe we shouldnt do that at all anymore, we arent in a relationship”

    So basically he ‘Likes’ me, but doesnt WANT to Like me, because when he broke up with me, he practically wrote it down in stone.

    Whats your opinion and advice?

  27. Excellent post and very true! I had to learn the hard way that men can seemingly do all things that say relationship but not actually want one with you. Hard lesson but I know to not accept this type of treatment ever again.

  28. tracy

    Wow as a female I feel sheltered and protected and I am 40yrs old. I do not agree with islam as I am Catholic but one thing is for sure Islamic men do not lead women on in this nonsensical way. All of my boyfriends have been long term relationships (3) and one ex -husband). Ive NEVER had a guy say he was not ready for a relationship after a few months. Except this current one and I was not paying close attention to the pre-signs, as I was really mentally exhausated at the time, I met him.Ladies there are signs, pay attention and listen to your intuition. I was married at 21yrs old to a man who said he loved me in 3 months, engaged in 4 months.

    1. Jane

      Actually moslem men do much much worse damage to women who are not moslem. They wine and dine them to death, tell them how beautiful they are, bring them flowers, gifts etc until they get sex, then leave. A western man would not do this. Moslem men just want the sex because they cannot have sex with ‘their women’. Women should be aware of this and back off, these guys will never ever marry a non-moslem.

  29. :(

    This article hit home big time,

  30. GirlFedUp

    Guys like this piss me off. If you want a physical only relationship, go find a girl who’s also looking for only sex. But, no, you want to pursue a woman who’s looking for a relationship because you like the feeling of her wanting to be with you while you reject her, but keep sleeping with her. A girl who’s looking for sex only won’t care what you do and she won’t give you affection, ego boost or a “girlfriend fix” as I call it. Stop playing stupid games and keep it real.

    1. kiki

      I love your comment, Ive lived your comment. I hate men

    2. Leeloo

      That is perfect. The guy I just “dated,” did that to me. He said that he was looking for a relationship, but that’s not what he actually wanted in the end. He tried to use me and was unsuccessful, so he then blew me off and I was left with feeling like c***. Meanwhile, he went on dating other girls….and obviously not feeling bad about what happened with me. It’s all about the “ego boost,” as you say. I get it now!! What an a******!!

    3. Shawnee81

      This statement is definitely on point! I say all the time, if people would stop playing so many damn games and start keeping it real with one another, there would be far less confusion in this thing called dating. I actually had a guy tell me that he wasnt interested in a relationship. I totally respected him for that. If more men and women too.. would just be straight up.. there would definitely be less drama!

      1. joe elem

        always be striagh up. If i noticed a girl was crushing on me and like two days later she told me she found me attractive I would say I find you attractive too but I’m not looking for a serious relationship. if your okay with casual we can do that. if not it’s okay we can still be friends if you’d like too

    4. George Gutierrez

      If a guy told you things straight up and to the point you would probably be scared and leave him without knowing why, then hook up with some dude that lies because you would like the fact that you cant figure him out.

      1. Shelly Lebron

        Oh stop men wont be straight bc your main goal is sex.

    5. Jane

      So true! THey are too cheap to get someone just for sex and do not want a disease I suppose. They want a friend, mother and gf , only they set the stage though its on their condition. Well this guy is in for a big surprise because I am going to start seeing another guy tomorrow and guess what, this man I was seeing doing this lives down the hall!!

      1. Rudi

        This is a second or third step on the road to babymomdom.

    6. NeverGiveUp

      This what exactly happen to me right now… but now clear enough, i will ends all this stupid relations 🙁

      1. Chelsea Eberhardt

        I totally agree.
        I’ve been played and now I know… all those I love yous and stuff all to not commit. I think guys should just be honest. I’m going to keep playing along til I find someone like him… but who won’t use me. Honestly, even though it hurts, it’s a great feeling to finally be loved.

        1. Rudi

          Sorry to say but here’s the truth. No decent man will commit to a woman with that kind of mentality.

    7. Amanda

      You have said it perfectly! Guys do what you want but with a person that wants the same. Dont mess with nobody’s emotions. That hurts so much. Keep it real with her dont get her hopes up. I appreciate the fact that your being honest about not wanting a relationship but look for someone that wants the same. Makes no sense. So cold :/

    8. Esther Anane Dogbey

      This is very true I’m in the same situation right now I’m just confused

    9. Thank you for the post. This post is exactly what I needed and couldn’t find anywhere else talking about this other than the “how to know he’s into you” articles.

      We had been on and off and broke up. But even afterwards, when we were friends, he acted like a boyfriend – even though he was just a friend. He didn’t want a relationship.

      I really kept having flashbacks that triggered how unhappy I was with the things he said in the past; how it’s ok to sleep around… how, because him and his friend aren’t particularly “good-looking”, they go asking around girls and move to the next until one accepts them. And when they get accepted the previous girls come to them and they act egotistic.

      Well, this trigger was when we became friends. We had lots of downs, lots of arguments, but we still held on. He told me not to be bitter, as he/people don’t like to be around bitter people. I tried not to be bitter. He said he didn’t want a relationship, he tried a lot. Yet he still says he missed me, he kissed me even when we were friends and said still had feelings for me, kissed my forehead, held me longer than a usual hug, blew kisses, held hands, sent emoticons that said “hey babes”.
      And yet, he kept saying different opposites, that he doesn’t want to be a boyfriend, that anything less than a french kiss means nothing, he does these to friends, he never did it to me, and he’ll stop doing it to me then.

      That hurts me a lot, because what he showed was opposite, it made me bitter, made me really angry again, how can he say that things less than a french kiss isn’t important, is he implying he’s flirting and doing it to others? Why should I be a friend when he’s playing with my feelings like this. He said he’s not playing with my feelings. He doesn’t even know he is playing. And even as friends he shows these gestures, yet he does this to everyone else? One day he’s going to show up with a new girlfriend just like that, even though he didn’t “want a relationship.” He never thought how I would feel.

  31. GirlFedUp

    Another thing, guys like this tend to affect women who are way too nice (I’ve been told I’m too nice by a male friend). All you wanna do is be there for him, support him etc. and he just runs with it. Don’t be afraid to cuss his ass out if necessary. Let him know upfront what you’re looking for, don’t let him push your boundaries. If he can’t get with it, say “fuck you” and keep it movin before you get hurt. Don’t be fooled by any of his good traits. Treat him like he treats you.

  32. Alida

    this is close to the situation that I’m in actually.. 🙁 he tells me that “He might be my bf once we hang out and get to know each other more” yet does treat me like his gf. and the first and only time that we got to hang out. He almost stopped texting me completely, and is all short with me. Idk.. And when we had hung out, we did get sexual but nothing to far.. and now he’s just.. idk ignoring me. before e hung out for the first time he almost worshipped the ground that I walk on. and now afterwards.. I’m like nothing to him at all.. idk what happened

  33. I have never read anything so honest and spot on in a long time. Thank you for this article, it really opened my eyes!

  34. Now
    after reading past the title, what stuck out the most is “he told you
    from the get”, but some woman keep hearing what we want and that small voice inside
    saying “I will get him to change his mind” SMH, that don’t work, and he
    will string a women along and take the sex until he meets the woman he
    wants to finally be in a relationship. There are two choices, when he
    says no in more ways than the simple word NO, either walk away or either settle for what
    you get because you want to. But don’t think you are the only one in
    his life thinking you can change his mind to be yours when he told you
    no… #Pass the time girl that is all you are Servicing him for.

  35. jenjen

    Im in this situation,my “boyfriend” and I are 4 months in long distance relationship,the first two months were so amazing ,he’s been the sweetest guy I’ve been. We always date over Skype,sleep together…then he suddenly change. And he said he don’t want to be in a relationship coz it bugged him. He even change his status relationship on his facebook. I asked him if whats going on,he said he loves me but he don’t want to be in a relationship and he just wanted to have fun with his coworkers ,go party etc.I told him to end the relationship if he wants to go on on his own life.he said he STILL wants me in his life.. I kept saying goodbye to him. He don’t want me out of his life.

  36. I’ve been in this boat a couple times and to say the least it sucks. Messes with your emotions even if you try not to let it. Despite the men being honest in what they are saying, us women who let it happen aren’t being honest with ourselves. It’s just another game that we all play until we find the person for us.

  37. MountMeth

    The complete utter truth. And we tell you these things from the get go, but we also end up finding the one through this process, well I have.

  38. Claudia Keisha

    I read this post months ago and still ended up in this situation smh.. At least he ain’t getting benefits at all. So why does he stick around?

  39. It’s about time for women to stand for something because we are falling for anything. I hate to sound cliche but the same way no means no when it come to sex, no means no when it comes to relationships. If you continue to force yourself into being with someone who does not want you in the same way you are essentially abusing yourself and thus traumatizing your psyche. Stop while you are ahead. @cupidsconcepts

  40. Kalima

    I’ve been her and it sucks but you are right. woman should take his word and leave. after all we can only be responsible for our own behavior. but I also think men should be clearer. don’t give the relationship behavior if in fact you aren’t interested. that’s what creates the confusion. if action in fact speak louder than words his words often get lost in the tinder actions (this is not necessarily meaning intimate actions). but yes going forward I will listen because behavior is deceptive.

  41. Karamia

    This was absolutely on point. Had to get knocked down a couple of times to get it, but this is so true. Thank you for sharing this. I think if women could get a better understanding on how a man’s mind works, we won’t end up investing time and emotions into false relationships.

  42. TotallyFrustrated

    This is perfect. I’m in this situation & have been for about 10 months now. Although it’s slightly different because it’s a long distance “relationship” & I really don’t think he’s been with other women. He calls me his girl, but refuses to actually make it official. He insists he loves me & wants to be with me for the long haul, but yet won’t make it official..? Why?! Not to mention he still hasn’t introduced me to his family, even though he’s met mine several times… Am I being really naive here in waiting & sticking around?? My birthday is in a month & the last fight we got into I was going to leave him, but he told me he had planned on getting me a ring for my birthday so of course I got sucked back in thinking it would finally be the point of change… But I’m beginning to think it will never change.. Thoughts??? Anyone??

    1. Part of the issue might be because it is long distance. Meaning he isn’t willing to make it official because having to be committed to a person at a distance isn’t easy for everybody. If you know you aren’t happy with the situation then do what is best for you. Just take a positive approach to all of this. Maybe friendship (not friends with benefits) is best for now until you two are in the same place and he is prepared to make things official.

      1. TotallyFrustrated

        Well, I had him read this article today after I posted my comment. His response was that it does not apply to him, because he’s not with anybody else, & considers himself taken. Reasoning for not being official: he doesn’t believe IM ready..not him… I think it’s an excuse, could he be telling the truth though??

        1. Lets say I said he is telling the truth. Do you really think that is going to make you feel better about the situation? You’re hoping for me to confirm what you already know deep inside. Even if he truly doesn’t believe you’re ready that doesn’t mean you have to continue to entertain this gray area you’re in with him (that you are obviously not happy with). The choice is yours but you have to be willing to do what is best for you.

  43. Stephanie

    I was friends with a guy then we started dating, after 4 months he told me he did not want a serious relationship but wanted to stay friends. Can you remain friends after dating?

    1. Beth

      Hell no. Don’t do it. I went thru a break-up. The guy texted me to not be a stranger a few days (weeks?) later. Hung out with him a few more times and ended up worse for the wear than had I just maintained my distance. Don’t let him suck you back into that vortex of hurt and despair. It will just inflict more pain upon an already wounded heart.

      Now in all fairness, this was just my personal experience and is not to say that some people can’t handle being buddies with their ex in the aftermath. Honestly, I think in some scenarios it can work. However, if you’re still invested, it will most likely be difficult to do.

      In summary, do what you know in your heart is right for you.

  44. tracy

    I had a similar situation. I knew this guy, he actually was after me for 3 years. So I decided to give in thinking it would be safe to do so… Hell no!!!

    Six months into it he tells me he is not ready for a girlfriend and I did not see that one coming. Over the 3 years we had our good days and bad days because we couldn’t get it together.
    I opted out, said well this is pointless and called it off. It does not make sense to me to be exclusive sexually. Its just wasting time if we are not make the entire commitment. I am much more better than that.

    I didn’t even bother to get my things from his house. To do so I would have to make contact and its not even worth the hassle.
    He is probably thinking i will call either for my things, or that this is just a hiccup that we tend to have.
    I’m not ready to play games! (shrug)

  45. chillburr

    what if you’re giving up on him and finally he says yes let’s give it a shot.. i think i’m ready now..

    1. "M"

      Sadly, that’s kind of typical. A lot of men will say that when they fear losing you and all the benefits you bring to his life (and they don’t have to be sexual). Make sure his words match his actions.

  46. Patrice

    That happened to me when i was in high school but it happened a little different he said that he wasn’t ready For a relationship and i
    said ok then 3weeks later he is in a relationship with a other girl then i stop talking to and moved on but he was still acting like he was my man

  47. Mz.RealDeal

    BRAVO!!! The truth arrow should hit many dead in the center of their forehead. Love yourself enough to say, “I deserve more” and bounce. You will save yourself so much heartache and pain. People only change when they truly want to.

  48. Kris

    Men are confused and pigs they are only think about the wank nothing else.

  49. Kristal

    Men are straight out pigs controlling smerts with big egos and small dinks

  50. Marie

    What I don’t get is that for me and my guy (now broken up) it wasn’t about sex. We didn’t get to that point. He claims he still likes me and that he thinks “I’m perfect.” but isn’t ready for a relationship. I’m single and trying to move on because he told me that maybe in the future we can make things work when he is more ready. How can I move on when he calls and flirts with me all the time?? What does he want?? Why can’t he make up his mind? Why play games? Does he want me or not?

  51. michelle

    I jus wanted to say that the stuf u are sayin is sooo true, n I been goin through the same stuff n I asked him for 40.00$ to get my hair did n he say no he ain’t got it, then earlier I asked for 20.00$ n he said no but every nite he wants me to come over. But I can’t get money for my hair, I been dealing wit him for 2yrs smh

  52. Lisa

    This article has helped me make a decision I have struggled making for SO long…I just cant even thank you enough. I feel better already, but I know that Im gonna have to go through the pain of the loss…thats ok though. Again thanks!

  53. Anais

    Women should use this scenario to their advantage. If a man acts like your boyfriend but doesn’t want a relationship with you, you have the right to date other men. (not sleeping with them). So date other men along with this noncommittal guy if you don’t want to cut him off completely. Sometimes these men change their minds and do want to commit when you pull back, they sense that they might lose you, but most likely you’ll get to the point where you don’t want them to be your bf anyway because you’ve met other men who are more invested in you. And the possibility of what is discussed in this article happening is why I advocate us women NOT putting our eggs in one basket in a man who hasn’t asked you for a committed relationship. Choose how invested you are in a man based on how much he is invested in you. And always let him initiate the “talk”. Chances are if you have to do it, you’ll just get all those lovely excuses about how he’s too busy with work, still hurt over an ex, etc.

    1. Beth

      Wow. This comment made my day. So true and such sage advice. Diversify those funds or you might just be left bankrupt.

  54. Josie Alvarez

    I was in this situation but have moved on

  55. Udap FitzHoover

    Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Dahling I LOVE IT

  56. Andrea Jenkins

    This is good, I experienced it myself …. The only thing about this is that we are taught that "actions speak louder then words" that if his actions don't line up with his words then believe the actions …. But now the "rules" change and what is more important is the words over the actions.

  57. Good information! Sometimes we need to hear this from another man's perspective! Thanks for sharing. I will post to my page!

  58. Actions do speak louder than words Jargalan, but in this type of situation those actions may not be saying what a person thinks. That is why the words and the actions need to line up and be consistent. Ignoring that can lead to a lot of confusion and disappointment.

  59. Karen Anderson

    I am in this terrible situation now…We are living together and have been for 3 1/2 years and out of the blue he states he doesn't want a relationship and never really has wanted one…huh?? We are now living in our own uber universes and the thing is I really loved him…we made big financial decisions together; traveled extensively together; hosted holiday gatherings together; I brought him back from the dead from a motorcycle accident (2nd and 3rd degree burns and broken bones); we own property together; we have a joint account together; we get along great and we have our share of disagreements (as I thought couples do)…he doesn't want me to move out and I am not going to – my business is ran out of this house and I am doing extremely well…he is now not coming home some days and if I ask him about it he hits the ceiling and tells me "we are not in a relationship"…God how could I have been so stupid?

  60. I am in a very simmilar situation right now though his actions and kindness are amazing he keeps saying that he has no room for anymore heartache and therefore says he does not want a relationship to me yet has told others that he is. That makes it even more confusing.

  61. Gloria Smith Alston

    Exactly what I experienced l recently; a heartbreaking lesson that I won’t ever repeat!

  62. Talia PoeticallyCorrect Greer

    I too experienced this and I def learned my lesson!

  63. Talia PoeticallyCorrect Greer

    Glad i moved on

  64. Britany Na'Dirah D

    I've been through this so many times. I just think love is a joke.

  65. Neva Give Up! I'm a hopeless romantic & and although miserable women want you to think great black men don't exist, we do! Stephan is an expert, just ask him to set you up!

  66. Noelle Lee

    Never accept less than 100%!

  67. TV

    Going through this right now, been knowing this guy for 5 years…put aside so many for that person only to be told “I don’t want a relationship ” or “I ain’t ready yet”, it’s funny because a few years back he would say the sweetest things “I think I’m falling in love with you” (such nonsense), now we have twins ( a boy and a girl ) and it just made things so much worse ( or so I thought ); we argued like a couple, would cook for one another and all these things that were seen as “relationship material” but I have to thank him now… because after being so trusting of him, thinking I could confide in him as well and telling this person every ounce of personal details about me… being an open book ( because that’s what I thought true friends did) my past was used against me to belittle me, humiliate me and break me down as a woman….I have no desire for any relationship from anyone any longer… I’m content with being single now because all the love I had to give… will no longer be wasted… it is for my children….I wouldn’t say I’m cold hearted…im just T-I-R-E-D in every aspect of the word from years of mixed signals

    We have to finally put our foot down and truly decide when enough is enough, to no longer lead with our hearts but the God given knowledge…. excuse me [ common sense ] we were born with. It’s time to leave and truly be happy with ourselves and with a person who appreciates all that you have to offer… don’t worry about “him/her” they’ll be just fine… they didn’t worry about your feelings then… why worry about theirs now…….

  68. Preshay Thomas

    What if it was a situation where he was telling the woman he wants a relationship but he has trust issues also what if he hurt her and came back apologizing sayin he love her yet he doesnt want to be friends nor come back because he feel the woman wouldnt take him back however yall never had a title, what do you call a man like that?

  69. I already know all this. My problem is the minions that keep trying to draw me in and the women/pastors/bloggers who keep helping them.

  70. Darlene Faver

    Ladies this is right on,so listen and believe it , Stephan is on the mark

  71. Lorraine Robinson

    I been chilling with my friend for about 4 months nd lastnight I asked him where is this going nd he ssid I'm not sure….it made me look at our thang a lot different because he said he wasn't sharing himself but he was sharing hes time well if the time your spending with someone nd you like them…what's next.

  72. Patrice Brown

    This happened to me once. When I realized what was going on, I put a lot of distance between us and he didn't like that. I told him straight up that what he was offering wasn't good enough & left him alone. A few years later another guy tried to pull that same thing & I got let him go before it got too deep. I waited for the man said he WANTED to be in a relationship with ME…and now we are engaged. We discuss things like this…he calls it "keeping them in the grey area".

  73. Hahaha, wow! Nice article! Thank you so much!! 🙂

    Another very common sign he does not want to be in a relationship and was not mentioned in the article is when he says the following sentence to you "I don't want to hurt you". LOL!! Be careful with such man… that is what he will do eventually, if you let him 😉 So, don't accept less than what you deserve girl! When a man is interested he will go for it… I think nothing can stop a real man from going after what he wants and knows it's right. Blessings to all!

  74. deejourneyofafabmom

    Yes! Truth is truth. Wow, I just wrote about a similar subject on my blog. Often times, we hear the truth and ignore it anyway. When we are left hurt and broken, sometimes we have to accept responsibility of that.When people show you who they are, believe them.


  75. Thomas McCormack

    I find this bogus.

  76. Tom Dragon

    Did it tell you how to deal w/ your controlling boyfriend Celly Solo?

  77. Ljay

    Most women know this already but still choose to play the fool. Nothing good ever comes out of this type of set up. This article said no more than what women already know, but some choose to ignore their reality. An unavailable person only leads to disappointment.

  78. This is beyond on point,I had to save it to my facebook…an I've been reading it every other day lol..but this was a good column..thanks for the clarity-

  79. Evelyn Jones-Guider

    Stephan the same thing happens in marriages where men aren’t sure if they really want to be married but they won’t divorce you either.

  80. Rae McRae

    Started back in August when we felt chemistry and he told my cousin we had chemistry abut he doesn't want a relationship, I found out what he said three months after hanging with him on Saturdays, he acted all romantic and such, but didn't say anything about not wanting anything, didnt communicate

  81. Rae McRae

    Didn't communicate what he wanted or nothing,just leading me on.
    I was soo confused what he was trying to do with me, he is all over the place physically and mentally, was in denial, emotions were building before we slept together after after three months, anyways, I wouldn't believe a se

  82. Rae McRae

    Believe a senior paster son, who is well educate and 28 years old would do anything like THAT! Just felt tricked, leading me in like he wants a relationship etc, soo confused by him, how he acts, this is the third perv in two churches I went two and he is the worst hypercritle!

  83. I'm in tears after reading this. Im pregnant by a man who treats me this way. He tells everyone he cares for me but tells me otherwise. Backwards, right? I know. I love him and he just likes me. Im heartbroken. But on this day I'm deciding to move on. What a coincidence that I stumbled upon this article.

  84. Nadine Scott

    So sad but so true…can relate…

  85. Rae McRae

    Started back in August when we felt chemistry and he told my cousin we had chemistry abut he doesn't want a relationship, I found out what he said three months after hanging with him on Saturdays, he acted all romantic and such, but didn't say anything about not wanting anything, didnt communicate

  86. Nadine Miller

    I can't believe this.. If this is not my sign from god then strike me down.. This is on the mark. On the target. I just want to cry.. But thanks for posting this Stephen. Xx

  87. Jennifer C Maloney


  88. Jacqueline Chantel Cheeks

    Can I post for us women? Well I guess I just did lol

  89. Edna T Harper

    I'm getting mixed messages. I prayed for God to help me with a situation I'm dealing with like this. One thing I read, pointed to this & another pointed to us being a match. I'm even more confused now.

  90. Poetiquesoul Pappalardo

    I'm glad I moved on…I wasn't stuck with a baby. Lucky Me

  91. Rylee DeWitt

    I really wish that I seen this article a month ago and some of the comments as well… My heart could have been saved from a major heartbreak and could have saved a 14 year long friendship. Oh well! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and I now know what to look for in a REAL relationship…

  92. Benard Chedid

    Not a coincidence but a God-incidence! God bless you in your new journey and the gift of your upcoming baby!

  93. Tomi

    Oh my…I do this. I’m the “guy” in this situation! So, I’ve been hurting people?! Doesn’t count if it’s a guy, right? They don’t have feelings…right?

  94. brighteyes

    Great post! Sometimes as a single mom, I struggle with wanting a full on relationship or wanting a committed friends with benefits. Most men don’t want to sign up to be a stepdad to your child and quite honestly, I lead a very full and happy life without a man.
    When I do feel lonely, it’s when I drive home to see family or spend time with friends and I don’t have someone to share those good times with. Or when I sleep alone at night.
    Regardless, this article has hit home with me as well. I lost my ex to cancer and it’s been a while since I’ve felt ready to open up and give my all. Somewhere in the mix, I met a man that makes me want to share my life again. The problem is, he was in a long marriage and says he’s scarred for life and isn’t looking for a relationship. I wish things were different for him but in the end, he was honest up front. And though I will miss him, I know I need to cut it off for my own benefit. I do wish we were on the same page. At this point in my life, in my mid-30’s, I just want someone to share and enjoy life with. I never had to question where I stood in my previous relationship and I won’t do it now. Remember ladies, plant seeds that will grow love for a lifetime, not a season.

  95. Lisa Tweet Hawkins

    When you know better you do better. Wishing you the very best

  96. Kristin Sims

    I like this article but it seems like common sense. If he says he doesn't want a relationship and you know that you do, why entertain him? He doesn't want what you are looking for. It is almost like dating a man that says he doesn't want kids or marriage when you want one, or both, of those things. Why waste your time? Stop settling just because he "enjoys your company". If that's the case, he can be your friend (with no benefits) while you focus on someone that is looking for the same things you are.

  97. Kristin Sims

    Confused. He needs to get himself together before he gets with anyone.

  98. This has been a massive help – deep down I already knew this but seeing it in black & white has given me clarity I am not going to put myself in the position of being somebody's back up plan! I am not going to waste anymore of my precious life. So ladies listen to this chaps advice and move on

  99. Melissa M. Seville

    I'm so sorry to hear that this is what happen to you. I hope God gives you the strength you need to continue on. I also hope that your child comes out healthy as can be. God Bless you sister.

  100. Genesis Trizarri

    This applies to woman too. Unfortunately there are some that act this way too. But this was an awesome read. I'm not ready for a relationship cause in working on myself and learning to love and value myself as I should. This is so important because you can't love someone else and expect another to love you, if you can't even love yourself. And I mean REALLY love yourself. The way God loves you. When that happens, I'll be ready.

  101. Sally Lopez

    Genesis Trizarri I couldn't agree with your statement more hun. You cannot be fragmented and expect wholeness in connection with another person–it's absurd. Sometimes, us girls are brought up that way. We're programmed into accepting that marriage is our Right of passage into Womanhood and it's not. You cannot search for validity and assurance by simply being with someone in a relationship for the whole world to see. As if that is the most coveted prize on the face of the earth. It is not! Foundations are built strong through the personal acceptance of who you are as an individual…especially so in relating it in accordance to your truest identity in Christ. Than realizing for yourself that the Lord needs to hold preeminence in our lives (surpassing superiority-above all things) before we can truly recognize if any of us are really called to one day marry….let alone be in a relationship with a specific person.

  102. Lyn Taylor

    I thought i handled this almost same situation correctly, but reading this let me know what I already knew, but sometimes you have to see/hear/read it from a different point of view, sometimes, you can be confused, its like is this a test to see if I can be patient, true and strong or am I being dumb, well as usual, im being dumb, sooo today the shenanigans end!! thank you

  103. Mandi Rivers

    My God! This is the best description of what im going through. You have put it in a way that I can perfectly understand. Thank you so much Stephan!!!

  104. Claudette Mograss

    I am in tears n know but I cause I always kinda knew that this what I just read is me . So I guess I need to stop n start thinking of me.

  105. Angie's So Blessed

    I know that after reading this I made the right decision to leave the person I was dealing with alone. We have been going through this for years and I felt like we would eventually be together but I just couldn't take it anymore and had to let him know how I really felt. If you don't want a relationship then that is not what I want. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and respects me. I am not your momma or your doormat for that matter. I want a relationship and if you don't then go on about your business and stop the calling and checking to see what I am doing and be with who you want to be with. Karma is a b___. And most people don't understand that if you can treat a person so poorly and use them without feelings it will eventually come back to you in some way shape or form. I am a God fearing person and I believe you don't hurt people for the sake of hurting them because it benefits you. Man or woman if you live your life this way then you will eventually be someone's target just like I was yours. And don't come sniffing your little Doggish behind back this way trying to see what I am doing once you realize there is NO coming back this way. I despise men who play these type of games. But I am cool with my decision and I would encourage you to go at your own pace dating someone new. It takes time to heal and build that trust back up. But please realize the signs that was my mistake and I am woman enough to admit it I missed it because I wanted to be with this person so bad.

  106. L Maria Pa

    Very well written Yes it hurt to read the truth however we need to be reminded of said truth. We make the choice to stay or Love ourselves enough to wait for the one that wants the same things we do..

  107. Daniel

    Well I was sent this by a girl i care very much for. While we have had sex less then 8 times in our relationship and it has only been in the last 24 days/10 months. We have very much so had a similar story to this one. As we have been seeing each other for almost a year with out a commited lable. I did try a committed relationship with another girl for a month during this time. That women I committed to did have sex which was lacking in my relationship with the women i am trying to decide to settle down and commit to for last year. During our one month break she dated some others as well. That women I left her for a short time was not my forever women. The women who wanted me to read this article very much could and should be. So that is a difference that eliminates allot of time you may suggest has been wasted or allotted or considered in my case.

    We have just entered a new part of a sexual relationship. I base allot of my commited partner desicions on several points which include career, sexual passion, family values, personality and my physical attraction. Understand sex is a real decider for some women, men or me. To be honest I’ve been trying to decide if we would be a good match being a forever couple. Before I commit. At the age of 33 i need to not waste our time, if im not sure we have a great chance of marrying and living a great life together. This blog has helped me though. To see the thoughts and my own wrongs.

    First I like sex every day or to fool around several times a day. Sex meaning oral or intercourse. We just started having sex recently. It seems like your not able to have sex often do to your current medical situation. Before it was about us not being in a relationship for the absence of sex. But now that we are having it im excited to take that next step even if it is not often. I know you are worried about the medication side effects that may permit body to have routine sex possible. Urinary tract infections. I respect that.

    I’m very calculating with every thing I do. I also enjoy being very adventurous and kinky in bed. We haven’t even went there yet since we just started. So I’m learning about you and us at the moment. I can understand if you would want to take a step back and be friends cut out the sexual relations. That may be good? I saw some truth to this story for men or myself at times. It was a good read.

    I’m dealing with allot of the things in my life. I have always been doing really good things in my careers as well as life. Your the type of girl I should settle down with. Completely stop any thing negetive left in my life and start a family.

    I guess this article did not mention the fact that some guys may be trying to convince them selves that for sure they are making the right decision to commit. Possibly scared that if they do commit and things don’t work out they will hurt the women. To be considered that some men and women have non selfish reasons for not committing other then selfish sexual greed.
    I am big on trust and respect. Far different then many men. And for that reason I am scared to commit. Fear of hurting the women. And I care for her deeply.

    Or possibly I’m selfishly prolonging the scary fact that I can’t be with the right girl. Dealing with that is Scary!! It may take complete rewiring of myself to correct. Possibly instead of actually rewiring my attraction to the wrong women I fear that I may retreat back to the dark side of past. Which at times still accomplished great good for others as a great leader. But is also aggressive, dangerous, intimidating, hyper sexual, mind altering dependent, attracted to the wrong women, and all around half the person I don’t want to be.

    I guess this brings up a whole other concept of the fact that we are animals that were not intended for a single relationship. The human subject some beleive was not built to multiply through monogomony. There are few animals that are designed in that fasion. Like an aggresive animal I may be a male that was intended to care for my animal pack fathering with several women. Intended to protect all with aggresive animal instinct.

    Or maybe I’m a man who has battled the beast inside myself. Still while making many bad choices in my life I have also made great choices that have benefited many. I have never cheated on a women and I have no children. I could be a product of controversy of great nurture over nature. Raised as well by my family as I could be for what I may truly be. I may he on the edge and may need more time or maybe I’ve used all my time.

    This is my first blog ever, I never downloaded a song in my life and I thought this article was great. I thought I would share my ideas and or angle on this issue. Because love is difficult and desicions for it should be taken with care.

    Kristin if you read this it may be confusing. As I’ve dealt with these thoughts my whole life. I’ve never told you I love you. Because I’m scared for these reasons to do so. Even though I love you very much. I never given someone so much time that did not seem to fit the mold I’m drawn to. I dont know if that makes this wait right in any way. I also may be still finding out if i deserve you. Because your pretty perfect.

  108. Gemma

    What does it mean when an emotionally unavailable guy cuts you off and comes back after a month or so? And by coming back I mean acting more so like a boyfriend but not communicating it verbally.

    1. Bleh

      It means NC worked and you still keep walking away because he lost you and the game is over. FedEx will ship your package back if you don’t pick it up within 3 days yet women will wait years for some idiot.

      You’re better than a piece of mail. He gave up his toy. Walk away from him.

      1. Jane

        I recall a friend in high school, when she met a guy she liked, she would give him 3 chances. If he screwed up, he was gone. If he called and said he would take her out sat night and did not call, that was strike one. He would then call sunday, get another chance- screw up that chance….had one left. She would even kick the guy’s butt if he called later than he said he would by 20 minutes! All the guys she ended up with worshiped her! Think of baseball girls, 3 strikes and he’s out!!

  109. missnoone

    I’m going through this right now with the father of my 2 baby’s I feel sick and depressed about the way he’s treating me 🙁

  110. tara loretta

    thankyou for this post it helps my situation a lot. iv been extremely confused for almost a year now thinking why am I still around

  111. Liza

    I’m going tru exactly this same .. But I take him as he says .. He a player so I’m i … Ladies this is when we all should use the concept .. Act like a lady think like a man. Jajaja

  112. Thatgirl

    I have been stuck in something similiar to the sample above. My ex and I broke up a year ago this Dec. Time after time he continues to look for me and we do the whole acting like a couple again even he is perfectly clear about his intentions. He acts exactly as above. And I thinking and hoping that if I just hang on he will change and want a relationship again one day.

    Well….last night I decided to make a big girl move and cut off all ties. Truth is he won’t change. He is an “ex” for a reason. I will cherish the good and the bad and move on. He wasn’t pleased with my decision but we all know that it shouldn’t be about him being pleased.

  113. Pat Ashley

    Thanks for the information. Everything you have written is so true. Going through it Now. He does everything as if we are in a relationship. But when it come down to sex. My response to him when he try.BABY WE JUST FRIENDS. I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH FRIENDS..His response. YOU RIGHT. We do everything as a couple except the sex. I can't allow him to get comfortable. It's been 2 months. Everything is cool.

  114. Angel Voice

    Nailed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have experience this and now I understand 200%, lol. Silly me. Got me once but will not get me again. The man for me is out there somewhere 🙂

  115. Holley Clark

    In the same situation expect we’re not having sex! It a friendship with romantic overtones. I tried to end it twice but to no avail. So I get a lot of girlfriend benefit without having sex while he has sex with other woman but I want it all. It making really jealous and I hate it. I date other guys but I rather just be with him. 🙁

  116. Real Man

    This also flip flops with with women. I been there as a man with a woman. In fact, i think i am in it again. That is going to come to a cease tho. I am looking for relationship that hopefully turn in marriage one day. No, i am not afraid of it. God takes it seriously, so should i. You cannot give a person those benefits if they not going to commit. You keep them with friend benefits. People are too grown to be playing high school games. Wake up before the gift God gave you, will be giving to someone else.

  117. Latoya Simington

    My advice is let them go. Nobody has time for that.

  118. Ashley

    I fell for a guy who I knew I had no future with, He told me from the start that he was not emotionally available. We still engaged in sex and had great conversations about things. I was fine with the ‘just sex’ part. I ended up moving away shortly after we started getting closer and he asked me to stay in touch. So we did. Every day he and I would talk for hours and this went on for a month. At one point he even asked me if I wanted something more serious and if I would be willing to move to where he is from, which by the way, was in Europe (he was in Canada at this time working). Finally he took the long drive to come see me which he told me he has never done for anybody, but for me he would. He said he wanted to surprise me. He did and we had an amazing weekend. He even cooked a huge breakfast for me that went over and beyond. During a walk we had that night, he even said he could picture us walking at night in Europe together like this. So many things came out of his mouth to suggest he wanted something more, a future. I knew deep down this was not a possibility but I couldn’t help but wonder if it was possible. So after he left, I noticed a change in our conversations. I asked him a simple innocent question about if he knew he was coming back from his country after Christmas and he got so mad at me, it was so awkward. The next day I called him and talked to him. During that conversation he told me we had no future, that we were not a couple and just friends, that I was asking questions about his life that I shouldn’t care about, that I shouldn’t have feelings for him, that he doesn’t like getting too close to people and on and on. I was like … uhmmmm OK. It was so bizarre because just days earlier he was in my bed and my house and at one point he held me to him so tightly for five minutes that I was wondering if he would let go. I get that this guy made it clear to me from the beginning that he wanted to make decisions in his life with his head and not his heart and that he was fighting having feelings for me. He had been hurt before, made bad decisions, wrong choices due to love which affected his kids back home. He told me many times he was fighting feelings for me and that he didn’t want to get hurt or hurt me. My response to that was just to let things happen naturally as they are meant to be. We had so many conversations about his life that for him to say stay out of my life like he did … was hurtful. So I have stayed out of his life. I guess what I am wondering is if he pushed me back because he had developed feelings for me, and they were too much for him. In my opinion, you don’t talk for hours and hours every night on the phone with a girl you have had previous sex with, talk about your life experiences etc … with each other, ask serious questions, drive many long hours to see the girl, spend an incredible weekend together, cook her an amazing massive breakfast only to leave and say … we have no future together, I don’t have feelings for you. What is that? There is of course so much more to the story but if someone could please help me out with some advice that would be great. We have talked some since he left, but its not the same. He’s just not that into me anymore I guess. Which in the end, is fine. He is leaving and never coming back to Canada anyway. But why send me on an emotional rollercoaster for nothing.

  119. Brie Joana

    "Technically the man in a situation like this has been honest." – I disagree. He does against his saying! He is just taking what he wants. Kind of entertaining himself with you for some short time, then off he goes…refilled and moving on! You could call it "REFILL-MODE" on his side!

  120. Michael Warner

    I'm amazed by this article. God should be the head of whatever your relationship is. I feel another Steve Harvey sighting when I read this and it was a fad to sale books and the person who wrote and then it disappeared. Love and enjoy the gift of a man or woman because it's a gift from God. If you enjoy the person and spend quality time with them and he is sleeping with you only…keep it movin. Men be open with the ladies….Keep the pants up. Ladies go ahead and jump on this but again the bottom line is if you don't have the presence of God in your relationships you can believe you will take on the negative feeling this information will bring. I want to thank Stephan for sharing his knowledge but my intimate relationship is mine and unless he can walk on water this was entertaining for reading purposes.

  121. Shirlz Dimps Isma

    Thx for the lesson i just learned

  122. Phylicia Smith

    I agree with having god in your relationship but your response was a bit too much. The article makes a clear and valid point. I don't understand what you are disputing.

  123. Angelita Sky

    Just like "He" doesn't want a relationship with you, but have "friendship benefit" with you and getting fed up when he see you talking to some one else than ask him for a damn car and tell him; "hi! I'm "CarMen" I like "car" and also like "man" so… Carmen will be that name ok, honey!…

  124. Shinkay Karimi

    Same here! I've been through it a lot :/

  125. Shinkay Karimi

    EXACTLY! If they can be friends (which is tough), fine – other than that, ditch em!

  126. Stephanie Zappalà

    Good advise. Except the man I deal with this with right now is the father of my son… it's super confusing, exhausting and painful.

  127. George Gutierrez

    I’m being this man and it’s really sad to know that not being honest can hurt that someone, although sometimes rushing into a relationship or letting a girl know that you want something too soon will make her run for the hills.. true story!!

  128. Samantha Danielle Stone


  129. Isabel Perez

    Great enough!! Goood stuff!

  130. Isabel Perez

    Great information i mean…

  131. Lavetta Addison

    Thus is 110% truth and nothing but the truth. I gave recently gave up on a hopeless case of a relationship ( if that's what you want to call it) just like this. And it was the smartest thing I could ever have done. Ladies when this guy comes your way….. Run as fast as you can!!!!!!!!!! Run like hell!!!!

  132. Yolanda Larrymore

    Pow! Any questions…that was all truth!

  133. Sara

    “You can continue to give and give and give yet still find yourself many months later with no relationship”. Try many YEARS later… I just walked away from this situation and was feeling pretty lousy, hoping he might change his mind and come tell me he wants to get married eventually. But after I read this article, it helped take away the denial I was in and accept the man for who he is and who I am to him. It’s a humbling realization! I haven’t cried since. Thanks Stephan. I have it bookmarked.

  134. I'm seeing this and it kills me to say, I'm going through this right now, and it's hurtful.

  135. Jill Bracey

    The key here is that he cannot take what you do not give.

  136. Angel Voice

    Love please please get out of it. It's not worth it. Free yourself and start loving yourself whole heartedly! I had experience this 3yrs and I got out of it mentally 1st which lead me stop all other things -you get me. Love I personally covered myself in God's love and started paying attention to him and him only. My faith is strong and I have not been let down. #loveyourself #Knowyourworth

  137. Anonymous

    Nailed it. This man even told me "I can picture you having my child" and then tells me that he doesn't feel the same way emotionally as I do. Ummm…what? So it's okay to lay down and make a baby but not commit? Nonsense pure and simple.

  138. Bohfe Vicent

    …and life is miserable…so i kick him out of my life…better luck next time…arghhh…moving on!!!God is great for giving me wisdom and discerment!!!!

  139. I just went thru this same situation. Dating for 5 years. So i asked him, are we going to take our relationship to the next level. He said i love you, but not enough to marry you. WHAT!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS! 5 years and you dont love me enought to marry me. GOODBYE! Im done wasting my time. I did everything for this man. He was playing me for 5 years.

  140. Pat Ashley

    Heres the update. Were doing everything as if we are a couple. EVERYTHING. We have not mat each other family and I am OK with that for now. He dont question me but I question him. Oh he is 11 years older then me, never dealt with a man who has no baby momma drama, no son drama. He just a lied back man sports man. Me on the other hand DRAMA. So I understand why we at the friendship point. Update in two months.

  141. Sherry Merrill

    Still stuck on the question, why would this man marry someone else? Yet tell me after revealing that he went and married someone else that he loves me and considered marrying me, she just had more to offer.

  142. Shaunte Banks

    Wow…..u nailed this!

  143. This is exactly what I needed to read. I just very recently went through this (yesterday). I was seeing a guy and I really didn't know (he never told me) that he didn't want a relationship. So here I am, giving the man all the benefits of a girlfriend for 2 1/2 months, and he tells me yesterday he doesn't want a relationship. Okay. Backed off completely. Not settling for anything less than what I deserve. And a friend with benefits isn't that.

  144. Michelle Harmon

    People can love someone an not be in love with them.. Theres no mistaking it when a man wants you in his life & is in love with you, you will know it. he will make u priority #1, his world & if your not sure, you're not the one.. He sounds like a D-bag

    1. Jane

      This man never lived with a woman and hes not had a gf since 22…hes 50 now. There is something wrong he admitted it to me. He gets to 2 months then breaksup i lasted the longest 1 year …

  145. In this situation now, but . , i dont want the relationship either. .. just friends with benefits lol works both of us

  146. Calandra Tsenoj

    That's true! I think alot of us get caught up. We heard what he said, but in the back of the minds think it's going to change that we may be that lucky one. In turn, it pisses us off. So I agree wholeheartedly. We can't allow a man that much power over us. We have to decide whether we want to continue dealing with this or move on!

  147. Awesome post! I recommend that you put the question back on your self. Why am I okay with this? What is going on with me internally that I feel it's okay to put myself through this? That is the real issue. Be encouraged.

  148. What constitutes a man committing? He can call YOU his girlfriend but that doesn't mean he admits it to other women. Nowadays with technology, some would say you have to be FB official or be able to post a photo of the couple online. What if you're called girlfriend to friends & family, have a key to the house, spend time with kids, do what you think IS a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship but you can't post a photo or ex's can't know about you or you even find out a man explores other woman. So he's "committed" so what…do they ever really stop trying to keep their options open?

  149. I like. Very true. We as a women doesn't understand our worth. Because of past relationships. Our standards has been torn down.

  150. Nikki S

    Well i am going through something like this right now I think, mind blowing

  151. Sophia Hamilton-Brown

    …unless you want a similar sort of relationship! Some women are happy with casual relationships and for them this can work.

  152. Sophia Hamilton-Brown

    I totally disagree! If a man says that he does not want a relationship from the start, why would a woman not take that at face value. Men do not say such things unless they mean it…fundamentally, I think many women do not understand men and think that because they get close due to hugging, kissing and having sex, he will too. That in most instances is not the case. and if he has been honest, he should not be ridiculed. Both parties are adults and need to protect themselves!

  153. Ann Asuncion

    I am going through the same and I'm glad I came across this article. Now I understand although the man's excuses feel so much better believing, I've been hurting and confused for some time now and after reading this article I have become positive that things will turn out well for all of us. We are wonderful human beings and we are blessed, we should never forget this. Hope everything's better for you now 🙁

  154. Brie Joana

    Sophia Hamilton-Brown – very true. It is all about talking and realizing goals here!!! Ladies/Gents better listen well, otherwise he/she gets you on your weak leg..

  155. My ex tried to tell me the same thing u want a baby by me but can not Marry me. Plz that's why he's now an ex don't nobody got time for that bs…

  156. Janice Marquis

    So sorry I went through the same thing for 4 years. Now I just met a new guy, it started off great but I got the " lets be friends and if I think theres something there, we can go on 5-6 dates, then sex. We only lasted about 5 outings (which I visited his apt as he lives down the hall!). He promised to take me out to eat, workout together, help me with my computer and go hiking, none of this came to be. Mind you it was -30 for 1 week when we met. He would always call and say drop over. He has mentioned he would like to date: a chinese woman, his ex from 20 years ago, signup to dating sites again. He also stated if he finds the right one, the woman will get 4 rings! (3 engagement rings over 3 years than a wedding ring!). After he said this, I said' I want to marry in one year!. He turned silent for 30 mins so I went home! He did not call much since except to tell me he was hanging with the guys to play music or golf indoors. He calls on Friday night to tell me hes on his way out with the guys and will be busy all saturday too. He did not call saturday night. So today is Tuesday (first I was hurt, then I got angry!)- so I called him th is evening "How how are you doing? Have you been sick?? (lol). He says no. I said I did not hear from you. He said he called but the line was engaged so he did not leave a voicemail. He asked how my weekend was (I was tempted to say Great I went on a hot date saturday night!!), but I didnt. I am more by this than by having a few regular dates and then no word back. We talked for hours the first few times. The things he likes to do are men-related, golf (which I hate) and playing music with the guys (which he never invited me to listen). He has said Im very attractive and dont look my age…also likes my shape….I dont get it, I really dont get it!

  157. Dannie Wicker

    Do people date anymore? Or is relationship based on likes? As a Father of two daughters. If your male friend tells you that he don't want a relationship their is no need to cling on to this guy! Move on. Your too valuable for that!

  158. I'm going through something like this, but in my case he tells me he loves me. He tells me often, actually. 6 months ago he said he didn't want a relationship & now he says he would love to progress with me but isn't in a place to take care of anyone right now. How do I handle this?? Is he feeding me crap or is there hope?

    1. Jane

      Mine says the same its one year. He says he needs to get a job as he lost his job 3 months ago but im out of work too actually my situation is worse than his

  159. Marlon Shujaa Kidogo Moore

    I have to admit I've done this. I have see yend

  160. Nikki Ucnred Baldwin

    Just walked away from one exactly like this and ain't looked back. I'm good being by myself.

    1. Christina Jackson

      Going through it now hurt so bad not healthy at all. I try to cut him off so many times he stays around. I wish I never met him

  161. Im going through this but he says eventually he wants a relationship. He came out of a 10 year relationship about a year ago and he is only 26 and I'm the first girl he's dated since. We've been seeing each other for five months and I don't know what to do?

  162. Dawn Colombo Fruendt

    I don't think there is an easy answer. Depending on what's going on in his
    Life that could be very true. a good
    Man that truely lives you wants to take care of you

  163. Rebecca Ann Reynolds

    I'm in it right now 🙁 I do love him. He's loved me. But doesn't want relationship. This helped

  164. So true! I've been dating this man for over a year now and although I know he can't give me what I truly want I keep settling. This article really give me clarity. Time to move on and never look back! Thank you so much!

  165. Stephanie Fox

    It’s very hard, confusing and painful… constantly feeling like you’re not enough… going through this now. 3 years ago he said he doesn’t want a relationship. Car bought together, helps with expenses, vacation together, Meeting kids and family etc and when asked yesterday … still doesn’t wanted a relationship… what they hell does he think we have been in for the past 3 years???

    1. Jane

      Yes your right you have been in a relationship same for me he will say we are great friends. He was sayibg we will get 2 gold rings so i told him the next time we get back he has to buy them or forget it..cause it meaans a promise to marry later and you are both involved and taken.

  166. Love and Relationship are not the same, and one is not required to have the other (People dating are in relationships yet not love each other yet.) With that said, love has no conditions. If you really love someone, you love them with all their flaws even if they cheat on you. To be in a relationship with someone there are many conditions. There are people that you could love all day, but can't be in a relationship with because of whatever reason (ie. they work so much and they are never home).

    Love is a lot easier to do than relationships. Love just requires attraction and a spark. Relationships require work, a lot of it, common life goals, compromise, understanding, compassion, SEX (lets face it, its needed), and countless other stress inducing things. Love is simple, love makes a lot of what relationships need easier, but not all.

  167. I think it works, instead of whining about it, ladies. . Be up front with the man. He will only do with you what allow him to do. Seriously. . . If he has opportunity to have sex when he wants it, but doesnt have to listen to the rest of your drama all day, he will choose the sex and drop out of site option. But you allow that. Come to an agreement or stop ssleeping with him, simple, just dont whine about it later.

  168. ConfusedGirl

    I kinda have a guy like this… Trouble is he is also my best friend… Never had sex with him but seriously mixed messages.. We like each other but he doesn’t want a girlfriend and I think I’m okay with that, it’s just he gets really jealous when I’m around other guys So I don’t feel like I should because of the what if factor!! Any advice? Bearing in mind he is my best friend so I can’t just ditch him!! Xx

  169. This is really hurtful, im recently in a situation like this, he always give me the excuse "its too early for that"

  170. teddi123

    Some of this relates to me but with my ex… I had to break it off with him because he wasn’t committed to the relationship, and so he agrees with me that he wasn’t committed but then goes out of his way to spy on me at parties but then acts like he doesn’t care about me? He tells me that I’m hooking up with other guys because I’m not fully over him and he doesn’t want to feel “responsible” for these actions… but really if he didn’t care about me anymore, why get so worked up about what I’m doing with other guys?

  171. I went through this for 3 years. It ended with me no longer talking to him and me defriending him as well as his mother on Facebook. I just needed to not have him like my photos or whatnot over and over again when he wasn't looking for what I was looking for.. plus he was a pretty selfish person in ways that would've made a relationship between the two of us a drag… he wasn't selfish as far as sharing 'things' or 'people' with people.. but you know… selfish with his time and how he treated his body… with alcohol addiction and drugs and what not.. it hurt the people around him a lot. After so many years of not seeing him and then finally meeting up to see where we were in life.. he was into the same kinda shit we all were into in high school.. kinda disappointing and just overall not attractive..

  172. abbie

    But what if he says he wants a relationship with u he’s just not ready yet

  173. April Parker

    ok this boy is a bunch a shit we are not in a relationship but sometimes he is kill my vibe sometimes i is want talk to him tho but he will never come to me and say nothing i really like him alot he tell me leave him alone i wonder who is his girlfriend cause he say he likes his girlfriend stupied ass

    1. chyna

      ur ass needs to be reported to the cops u a stalker

  174. Fed up with these kids

    Thanks for your post Stephen. I am currently dealing with something very similar. Some guy decided to pursue me but not really “pursue me” as he is emotionally unavailable. In all honestly, although I am glad he made his intentions clear and he was honest, it made no sense to me why they even bother. thank God I never fell into the trap of perhaps some day believing this person would change their mind which is why I became overly guarded and stopped hanging out with them. This article helped me receive closure. Especially the last line on how I need to be clear on what I am willing to accept. I definelty need to make this extremely clear so that it never drags on too far. This blog is a blessing.

  175. Kate Yare

    Guys say they don’t want a relationship because what they really want is a relationship totally on their terms. That is why they pursue women who do want a relationship, and expect her to assume a girlfriend role.

    1. Jane

      Why dont they call a spade a spade

    2. John

      So why do you put up with that, then come here to complain about it? Are you stupid, or just love drama? Or both?

  176. SoConfused

    This article has opened my eyes and made me think about the situation I am currently dealing with. I have devoted my energy, feelings, and time into a man who is only seeing one side. For months he said that he wasn’t happy and wanted to break up, but he continued to stay around me and act like a content boyfriend. I feel that if you are done with a situation remove yourself don’t stay. I have asked him numerous of times why did he stay around me and all he does is make excuses.

  177. Jamie Ott

    Hi Stephan. Thanks for the article. This, recently, happened to me. A guy with whom things got really great, but no deal on the relationship – yet everything about it was totally a relationship. So I asked why he was spending so much time with me and the answer was essentially that he’s got nothing better to do. The funny thing is, I ended it, saying I can’t see you anymore. Now, he’s mad at me. It’s weird. I had a break up when there was no relationship, lol. I’ve been really lucky in that I’ve not had a run in with this type of guy before, but I’m glad I didn’t waste too much time.

    Unlike most would recommend, the quicker I can get a non committal out of my life, the better. So instead of doing all the dances, all the things we’re not supposed, I tend to do most of the opposite. I tell the guy I want a relationship, tell him I love him, tell him I want to spend more time, etc. I do it when I feel and not when I supposed to. But this guy… well, he just kept coming back – and he would have kept coming back. Now, thanks to your article, I understand. LOL!

  178. Hc UWindsor

    So what do i do about hooking up with other people? if i just treat this as it is, not yet a relationship, what do i do when he gets mad?

  179. Ray

    While loyalty and integrity are admirable, men owe women or this world nothing. The same is true of women. This blog is kind of “simpish.” i am not being anal, but calling out a brother who does not call women, especially Christian women out on their behavior. I get it. He has books to sell. Real men know ecactly what I am saying. By the way, 90% of my family is women on both sides, and I am the only boy in my immediate family. I know how women get down and all this did was project women’s behavior on men.

  180. candice

    Just have the talk with him at 3 weeks to a month max. It is enough time for him to know if he wants to have a relationship or if he wants just sex. Even if you invested on him emotionally you haven’t invested on him enough not to be able to forget about him. So ask the question and if he doesn’t seem enthusiastic and doesn’t agree straight away move on and never look back. Anything else like “too soon”, “not sure”, “confused”, “let’s take it slow” is a stalling technique. Also if he avoids the subject or changes the subject is a stalling technique. If he jokes about it and twists the conversation there is a high chance he might be a pick up artist.
    So let’s assume you are lucky and he is a good boy and he wants a relationship.
    Give as little as possible. Have sex with him. It’s alright.He gave you exclusivity so give him that BUT don’t cook for him, don’t clean his house and don’t meet him at his place if he previously hasn’t taken you out for a date and paid for your drink.
    Don’t feel sorry for him spending money on you. If he won’t spend it on you he will spend it to go out with his mates and pick up other girls. Don’t feel guilty either. He doesn’t feel guilty expecting you to buy lingerie for him or all the things you do to look pretty for him. We all know they cost a fortune. How much money do you pay for the make up every time you go out with him? He spends only £5 on the hair gel? Maybe another £5 on the aftershave and razors? Only your foundation costs £20. Even if you don’t put on foundation… you also spend those £10 to shave your legs, armpits and bikini line and some of you the “mustache” .
    What if he says he doesn’t have any money to pay for a drink here and there? Well…if he can’t afford a £10 date four times a month how will he be able to afford a wedding and children?
    Your stomach must be feeling upset reading all of these. You must be thinking “golddigger”. Manwhores and womanizers don’t approach the type of woman I described. They approach women who are sensitive and believe in Disney type of love.
    If insist on having your Prince (Charming) you have to behave as a Princess.
    Now if that Prince Charming marries you, you are free to give him your love but at times remind him that you are a Princess.
    No more tears. Time for new beginnings 😉

    1. Jane

      Wow 1 month is not w ough time im 50 and i gave him a year! He says i did not gice him time and space for us ro work. Hes akways been a bachelor so i shoyld gave not bothered with him atl but he pursued me. We still talk we are seperate for now. He was pushing me bavk and firth to friends ge did it kike 25 times in 11 minths he hurt me so much. The thung is im not workibg and dobt have many friends here for support i may be leavibg this city in 2 months he has tiks ne im the best thing to happen to him we have been kike a couple
      We do alot together

      1. candice

        So what? He won’t commit. He is an eternal bachelor. What I don’t understand is why you are worried about commitment at your age. You don’t need him to raise kids. He is a pair of extra socks to wash and drama.

        1. Jane

          Who cares about my age and i dont have kids. People 20 dont marry they are too young. More peopke commit at 50 than any other age as we know what we like by 50 you dont even have a clue at 30 or even 40. There are people getting remarried up to 70s….

        2. Jane

          What do you mean at my age?? Men are likely to commit at 50 than 20 or 30 and hes never married or had kids neither have I.

  181. lp

    Ok basically its a question. This guy is my senior whom i had crush on and i used to text him but eventually i stopped texting him cause a common frnf told tat he isnt interested as m not good looking. I changed myself alot.. And btw that he started texting.and we eventually became gud frnds… We have been to movies which was initiated by him. And we became really close friends. And between he moved to usa to study.butvwe kept in touch he texts everyday,and we speak on phone,he asks for Skype chat,we do tat as well.and i have mentioned him that i love him. Nd asked him not to give me answer yet. But later there are a lot of times i have tried to know from him indirectly if he is interested but its of new use. He din tell an yes nor a no. And once my frnd who got irritated asked him if he likes me or no he told m more than a friend to him. But to me he tells stuffs like i will get a better guy and stuff…its really confusing if he likes me or no…i love this guy like crazy. He tells me m the oly girl he talks to so much.he tells i take care of him like his mom. I am seriously in a dilemma.what do u guys think.we have become great frnds he shares everything with me.

  182. lp

    Ok basically its a question. This guy is my senior whom i had crush on and i used to text him but eventually i stopped texting him cause a common frnf told tat he isnt interested as m not good looking. I changed myself alot.. And btw that he started texting.and we eventually became gud frnds… We have been to movies which was initiated by him. And we became really close friends. And between he moved to usa to study.butvwe kept in touch he texts everyday,and we speak on phone,he asks for Skype chat,we do tat as well.and i have mentioned him that i love him. Nd asked him not to give me answer yet. But later there are a lot of times i have tried to know from him indirectly if he is interested but its of new use. He din tell an yes nor a no. And once my frnd who got irritated asked him if he likes me or no he told m more than a friend to him. But to me he tells stuffs like i will get a better guy and stuff…its really confusing if he likes me or no…i love this guy like crazy. He tells me m the oly girl he talks to so much.he tells i take care of him like his mom. I am seriously in a dilemma.what do u guys think.we have become great frnds he shares everything with me.

  183. spinsterforlife

    i totally agree with this post. Guys can pretend they want a relationship so they get all the benefits and then do whatever they want on the side…its all a lie.

    I tried the whole dating thing for a month and was totally disgusted and put off by men in general. The whole thing was a farce to be honest…

    Where are all the guys who are not driven by their biological impulses? I guess it’s my fault for not choosing to date someone who had the same beliefs/morals.

    Better to be a single spinster than be used and abused by some guy.

  184. Shelly Lebron

    I agree girlfedup. Usually these men only let us know they “arent ready” following sex and a few months. They are selfish..i disagree with the idea that bc they told us after theyve got us wrapped..yes we are women..thats honest and justifiable. Im sick of it. Happened to me again ans again.

  185. Shelly Lebron

    I hate to say it but gotta be a b!#!! Goes against my nature but thats what many men like. To be treated like dumb dumbs..then they wife you up.

  186. OKay? But in a way this is excusing men to be a manipulating piece of subhuman s**t. Why not idk, NOT be a f***ing liar (indirectly speaking is still lying), a weak, and scared little boy who can't just call it quits when he KNOWS a girl is growing feelings for them? How about respect in general? For other people? Regardless or gender. Not abuse people's trust.

  187. I just read this and I am crying the fucking river. I recently called it quits with a guy that wasn't meeting my needs who I really like, but he was unclear about what he wants and I was very clear that I want a relationship at some point. The confusion behind his inconsistency was becoming more and more of a source of anxiety for me. I couldn't handle it and I pulled the plug.

    Most of the guys I've ended up with briefly have pulled the same thing. It really wears you down after a while and causes you to doubt if there is a guy that wants to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship anymore, because this has been going on for years in my case. It's absolutely exhausting.

    I'm very glad I found this article.

  188. I've been dealing with this guy for almost a year and this is his tune all the way. It hurts like hell and I'm trying to build the strength to leave! I love him but I have to do what's best for me.. I've met his kids mother and all this is just so confusing and stressful no lie!

  189. Im going through this too. We only been seeing each other for almost a month now and he told me from day one that he did not want a relationship and we werent intimate til like a week later. we see each other all the time, he calls me everyday, he cooks for me, makes love to me (not just sex), we laugh and joke and go out sometimes, he always makes future plans and talks about cooking more for me and even meeting his son, but he still keeps saying to me that he does not want a relationship and just loves being single and free. I hate it bc just when im getting comfortble, he seems to just want to remind me at times without me briningin it up and im like Chill lets just go with the flow but hey i respect what he wants and he knows what i want and thats why he says we will always be friends and ive accepted it. Why? bc he does treat me and spends time with me like a GF and i cant even get that from any guy i date. He is doing more. The only thing is he dont want nothing serious and im not sayin i want it now bc we just met a few weeks ago but i definitely want that to be the goal but he doesnt want that at all and he said this day 1 so its not like its me he dont want to be with. He just wants that freedom. But yeah i need to be really clear on him that i will be dating other guys, no sex since he doesnt wan to build anything altho it feels like we are.

  190. but i will say this, if all this time he is spending with me, claiming im like no there and special, and blah blah and a few months down the road he still has no desire to make an exception with me, then it is very clear i can say that i wasnt enough for him to want it again and i will have to go bc i deserve and want more than just a FWB. i want my own man who is proud to be in a relationship with me. thats all i want but yeah im just gonna enjoy my time with him and see how long that goes and what happens. It is still too early. we just started talking July 11th. we just been seeing each other almost every day. thats why we like each other 🙂 So if you are goin through this type of situation and you enjoy his company at least and he is treatin you good, just enjoy it bc ppl can change there minds depending on how into you they are. Still date others and make him aware of that. he cant say nothing bc he said himself he dont want nothing serious so you are still free too. Give it a few months and if he still just wants to be friends then he is never gonna change and time to stop that but at least you gave it a chance and enjoyed the ride. Life is too short so enjoy every moment. Just do not focus on guys like that bc it may most likely not turn into anything as you were hoping. So always have your options open 🙂

  191. So true

    Going through this right now. I often think of putting an end to it and after reading this article I know I should.

  192. I have been in the middle of this for over 6 years now. The first 3 years were off and on, but the last 3 and a half years have been straight through. We even live together. It gets harder and harder every day. There is no excuse for the behavior, and I wouldn't be the first to admit that this is a form of emotional abuse. "I am not ready for a relationship, but I love being around you. You are everything I could want in a relationship, if I wanted one. One day if I decide to have an official relationship, get married and have a family, I would want you or a woman just like you." I have heard it all… from the same man. Still to this day I am introduced as a friend or roommate (the worst), all the while I am completely in love with him. I cook his favorite meals for him, make sure he is comfortable when he gets home from work, do his laundry, have sex regularly (his regular; my sex drive is a lot higher than his). Most of all, I do not crowd him. He goes out with his friends and does as he pleases. Of course, I keep a very discreet check on the situation to make sure another woman is not involved.

    But as you can tell this is not healthy. This is not a situation in which happiness exists. I am miserable, but feel I have invested way to much time to give up now. Honestly, I am hoping he will do something tremendously devasting to the relationship for me to form a hatred. There are so many women going through this same emotional abuse, and it breaks my heart for them because I know how it feels. If you have an ounce of strenght to get out of it. DO IT. Do not wait around, do not keep investing. The liklihood of the situation changing in your favor is slim to none.

    I know, I know. Practice what you preach. The problem is I have 6+ years invested in my mayhem, and nothing has changed. I have hardened, become reclusive, and extremely bitter towards men in general. All because of my situation. I know that after this mess is finally over, I will not get involved emotionally again because I have nothing left to offer another man. I have been emotionally damaged and won't risk this again. It will not be fair to men I encounter in the future, and no relationship will form. I know this, and I have accepted it by this time.

    My point is, DONT invest as much time as I did. If it has been a couple months (you know in your heart the "acceptable" timeframe) and you two are intimate, but he still will not even call you his girlfriend, WALK AWAY. It isn't going to happen that way. If he is truly your match, it may come back around in the long run, but don't allow yourself to be damaged like I have done.

  193. Elsa tavares

    How did u know dr ero? It’s that really work & still working? Please let me know
    Thank u

  194. I feel being trapped but reading this just wake me up. I know where to step on now

  195. Im on it too, being with a guy for some weeks before he flew back to his home land, after that we talk everyday via wa and Skype, he always told me im special and he makes time for me. Yesterday i asked him whether he likes me. He said yes a little bit with weird emoticons. He always there when i need. We plan to move to new zealand by next year and he can't wait to see me but in other side he doesn't really like me. I feel betrayed so i confronted him, what is the point talking everyday and give everybody time. He doesn't have an answer. I don't know what he wants but he acting like he is my bf. Sad, cos i really like him but i know we don't have future, i walk away from him now..

  196. If I can offer a word of advice. If you have given your all to a man who has not committed to you, then I'm sorry, you can't be on here blaming men for taking it. No one is going to turn down something good for FREE. He's going to take it if you give it to him.

    Now if you're being lied to, that's something different. But if you've gone in blind, with the hopes of a commitment, without doing the proper due diligence on this man's intention for you, then it's your fault that you stayed, not his. If you haven't had the conversation, then you can't blame them. If you've had the convo and decided to stay when they said they didn't want a relationship with hopes of it turning into a commitment, then you can't blame them.

    YOU HAVE THE POWER TO HAVE THE LOVE AND RESPECT YOU WANT. ONLY YOU HAVE THAT, no one controls it but you. This crap about you can't help who you love. IT'S A LIE, you have free will to do whatever you want when it comes to the matters of your own heart. Tap into your God Given strength and USE IT!!! Stop being so afraid of being alone that you're sacrificing your sanity to be with a man who doesn't want to commit to you.

    When you set standards for a man who desires to be with you and commit to you, he will meet them. Stop being afraid of all this pressure stuff. Standards are not pressure to the right one, they're goals.

    These stories of women staying in situations for years on end saddens me. Look, I've done it. I'm not judging, but I've also found my strength along the way…..You guys need to LOVE YOURSELVES ENOUGH TO LET GO WHEN IT'S TIME TO LET GO. You've probably let so many good men pass while you're were passing time with the wrong one. Same thing goes for men.

    Peace and blessings.

  197. For those who had the strength to leave that man…has he ever came back and offered a relationship?

  198. What if you remove all benefits and he still pursues your attention and strives to make you happy and fulfill your desires despite you treating him with hatred and distrust?

  199. As soon as I found out I wasn't the only girl in his life I immediately abandoned our friendship. I didn't want to be his girlfriend. Just his girl and he convinced me to come work on his farm so we could be close again. It was perfect and his family was amazing. But less then a week into it he tells me another girl is coming to the farm who he is also intimate with and intends to be intimate with. I hated him and let it show when noone was looking. His family needs me and I still have work here for at least two more months if not longer. I have to see his beautiful repugnant face smiling at me almost everyday and it makes me sick and I am not sure how to cope. I Feel like a prisoner in his fantasy world.

  200. Well… He disappeared on me and I still can't believe it. One day he just stopped returning my call And Just stopped altogether and this was like a month ago and I feel so stupid, I feel so used, and I just feel for the game again. I think that everything was a lie on his part to just have sex with me and to keep me around until he was tired of me and then that was it but it's a good thing this happened because clearly he's not the guy for me and my feelings are not that deep like love or anything like that which this would have felt worse But I'm disappointed in myself for being so Gullible. I'm too nice and I give too many chances and I'm too considerate to men who don't deserve it and I don't know why I do it

  201. Hi Angel. I was saddened to read your story but I can understand it. I hope you find the strength to be able to walk away and eventually find another man. I've been involved with a guy for 2 years who I was initially in a relationship with. He then demoted us to 'friends' but nothing changed. He has now fallen in love with someone else but still wants to keep me in his life (they are not together yet). I am now beginning to understand that he is involved with me for comfort divorced from emotion. I'm now tentatively exploring the world of online dating again. 🙂 I wish you well. xx

  202. Not me. I think the guy actually thrives on the drama too. I'm glad I finally said good-bye. Life's too short and once you're hooked you could have the right guy right in front of you and not see him.

  203. You're not alone. I invested years too. I was feeling better and we were in touch as friends, but then he wanted to come for a visit. Then my feelings got stirred up, but it was the same old mixed signals. So now I have broken it off with him. I'm feeling like I can't trust myself as far as who I become so attracted to so I'm holding back for now as well.

  204. I heard that too, I'm not in a place to be in a relationship. If a person waited for that perfect time that might just miss it. I would walk away if I were you. If he really feels that way then he will come after you, but do this for yourself.

  205. I too live with a guy who I'm in love with who won't call me his girlfriend but we sleep in the same room and I am always there for him and supportive as a girlfriend would be. I cried reading your response because I know how painful it is. Feel free to reach out to me.

  206. Confirmation to a sitution I once was apart of and ended it! I appreciate your hard honest TRUTH. Thank you!! Great article!

  207. I'm in it right now, I love him to pieces and he says he loves me but not like that, comes round for tea, stays over, we have sex, he texts other girls xx he broke up with his ex not long ago and crys on my shoulder about Her, tells me that he needs to find a new relationship but not with me because relationships don't last forever but he wants Me in his life forever so being only friends is the only way he can guarantee that! Yet he gets moody with me if I make plans on a Saturday night that don't involve him and he tells me that he's lonley and that im the only one he can talk to and then we end up back in bed together. He knows how I feel and I think he's using me, I think it's time to be strong and walk away (we met on a dating website after he split up with his ex)

  208. I have found my self in this same situation. The man I love wants no part of a relationship with me other than friendship/partnership. I crave this man like no other. BGE had been totally honest with me, so why do I do it to myself? In the beginning we were emotionally involved, I knew no greater pleasure. He slowly withdrew from me to the point we are today. Him not wanting an emotional relationship with me but still functioning as a couple??? I love him and desire him with every ounce of fiber in my being. It's become so hollow and so empty, I miss him desperately even when we are in the same room or bed together! It is truly spiritual suicide. I pray everyday for the strength to move on….I don't understand why I can't? I hate the way I'm emotionally deprived but hold no animosity towards this person as he has been totally honest and up front with his feelings and intentions. I keep hoping Someday it will "turn around" but in reality I know it won't. My heart is still wishing my mind knows better!

  209. Harriet Fox

    Been playing this game with a guy for 3 years. He’s even told me a couple of times that he loved me and wanted a relationship, but later claimed he likes being single and doesn’t want a full time partner again. Wtf? I’ve said I love him and he says he likes the idea that I love him?? Again wtf? The problem is I’m totally in love with him and can’t just tell him I’ve had enough. I know what he’s doing to me could probably be considered emotional abuse, but I endure it anyway. It’s like I need to have him in my life, even if he never gives me what I truly want.

  210. Wow Ive dated a guy for 4 yrs and I thought I was the only oje who experienced this…I become sad and depressed like I'm not good enough…I get blamed for us not being official…

  211. This is a great article and true. In our modern society marriage and relationship is mostly desired exclusively by women while men are content with non commitment… The issue is a large majority of women will initially accept non committal relationships and then be upset when committment doesn't come down the line, but everything that is supposed to be set aside for a committed relationship has been given already so there is no leverage to demand a relationship only an option to leave. This article is one of the best to explain the mind set of the modern society man… With God all but out of the equation and everything unwholesome acceptable, men have changed the game and women are finding themselves outmatched…it is important to set the stage for what you truly want and to set yourself aside for the one willing and able to give it to you

  212. Sade

    I was in the same boat the same boat, however I feel like this any guy/female that you’ve dealt with for I don’t care how long. If he/she is not ready for a relationship and just stringing you along. Dump him/her and move on its their loss. When you stay around in an unhealthy relationship, friendship, friends with benefits it leads to heart break . I feel everybody deserves to be happy, if you are being strong along get out and watch your blessing find you. Love peace and happiness a waits us All. You are Worthy of the best!!!! Make them wish they would have committed????

  213. Same! I have been dealing with this guy for three years. We went to school together, same major (so a lot of our classes were together), hung out all of the time, EVERYONE thought we were together, the whole nine! Everytime I would ask him what it is that he wanted, he would beat around the bush and wind up saying that he was not looking for a relationship for one reason or another. He would treat me as though we were exclusive by kissing me, bringing up relationship topics, having sex with me, getting into arguments with me as though we were REALLY TOGETHER, getting angry when other guys were around me (I guess he felt as though he was getting replaced), and stupid stuff! It was and still is very confusing and hurtful. He is now going to vet school soon and we just had a BIG blowout the other day! Now is the perfect time for me to "get away" and focus on med-school apps! Everytime I have tried to in the past, he has tracked me down like a mad man, inquired about my whereabouts, aka gone crazy. I don't understand this man, but I LOVE HIM so understandably it is a struggle to stay away (especially when he's so persistent with getting me to speak to him). We're "friends" when he wants us to be; we are more than friends when it's convenient for him …but we are not together! It's so confusing and extremely frustrating because he does disrespectful things, and then when I end up getting into an arguement with him about it, he uses that a base to say that I am disrespecting him and that is what stands in-between him wanting a relationship, getting married, and having children with me. It has been like this for way too long and it breaks my heart day in and day out because I know I deserve better. I will get it! I just REALLY REALLY REALLY wish it was with him!

    Idk…maybe someday in the future, if I'm still single, and he gets his mind right (matures, seeks help, knows what he wants, and can respect me for the woman I am), there may be a chance for him. There are millions of other single, grown men out there. One will come in my path and treat me right and I will then feel lucky to have moved on from this (even without a man). But until then… preparing to endure the pain of letting go.

  214. Same exact thing happened to me only thing he would give me these silent treatment spells which resulted in me calling him and being the bigger person well not this time I said "I'll be childish right with him" and we haven't talked since it's a shame cause I knew him 6 years and we talked 2 1/2 months and now we don't even speak at all I blocked him from every social network and I blocked all his phone communication to me and I'm not even mad I can't be friends with anyone who's comfortable using someone

  215. I believe on this article but my situation is quite different because altho we are not on a relationship and we are clear about it, I don't think he's sleeping with other women, dating other women without me knowing or going out with other women because ot be honest, we may not be in a relationship but aside from time at work, all his time are with me. I mean he picks me up at work, sleeps at my or his house, have dinner together and basically shows how important I am to him. I can really feel I am important and being cared about. It's just that we are not in a relationship.

  216. Interesting view/opinion. …no doubt men are difficult creatures to figure out, certainly maturity is one of our last evolving traits.
    We all know men and women are different in so many ways, finding a soul mate in this busy and complex world is rare.
    For many of us…, we see all to often the hurt, both emotionally and financially of failed relationships. This exposure, does play on some minds……..forcing a relationship is not an answer, both the man and woman have to feel comfortable with the work to maintain that relationship for the years to come, most importantly, they must remember the foundation to which that relationship was built on, this often changs dramatically when chidden are involved. Condemn not the fear that may dwell in a man for being cautious of a relationship, but also remember, it is better to move on than engage in a one sided one.

  217. Here is the problem…two healthy adults like each other, spend time together then begin spending time together alone in private. It's going to lead to physical intimacy. If it is clear that you do not want a committed relationship, then why go there. My advice, focus on career or something else and leave those who want a committed relationship alone so they can find someone who does want to commit.

  218. Today I read your post and you are right on the button. I was almost in a situation like that because he acted like we're a couple. He told me to not give up on him. I thought he was into me. Friends thought so but we never been on a date. I couldn't get pass it. Then June he called asked me for money and to move in with me. he lost his job. I listen to my guts. I didn't give him any money or have sex with him.I didn't let him know where I live. I dodged a bullet. He was a good actor. I am thankful for men like you to help women like me understand the guys mindset.

  219. Hmmm, u are the side chick if you are in this situation. The earlier you take a walk, the better for you.

  220. You have to take a grip on yourself & not just lose it with men as they come around you because several of them see that attribute in you & take u for a ride on it. Be firm, take your stand, hold your head high & define your relationships because you deserve to be happy. Best wishes!

  221. LuYaNi

    I was in this exact ‘situationship’ giving a boy ‘benefits’ for 4 years. It was until I walked away and completely cut him off, cried out to God to heal me and help me that God showed me that I needed to change. Ladies, you are precious and valuable to God. The Bible says, ‘he who finds a wife, finds a good thing’ which means men should be pursuing us, not us pursuing them. Sex is a big factor because women are very emotional and men prefer to have sex without the emotion. We should not settle for less than we deserve. We deserve full on commitment and the best that God has in mind for us. Until then, work on yourselves to be great and all things will work together for good. After kneeling down in prayer and yielding myself to God, He blessed me with the man of my dreams. It took my heart being broken into pieces for God to heal and show me that I was precious and that I deserved only the best. Stephan’s other great read, ‘7 things for you to know about the man God has for you’ was an eye opener.

  222. miles

    I find myself in that position and i finally want to leave but its hard. He say to me i am married for the opportunity so i cant leave her. Just be patient and understanding. Ive had enough its been seven years ofthis.

  223. I agree!!

    This is so on point! I’m thinking about writing a female response to this! I had to leave this guy alone because he kept saying he wanted us to be friends while he was doing all relationship stuff! Calling every night, looking me in my eyes when we had sex, sitting up hours on the phone talking, going out on dates, spending three to four days out of the week together. I was ok at first with thinking we were doing the friends with benefits. But when I started to catch feelings I left him alone because I felt manipulated. It felt like a relationship and I got sick and tired of the mixed signals because I was not looking for a relationship! I thought about this thing the other day and its going on three years with him pursuing me. From the beginning, I asked what are your intentions what do you want from me? He went from wanting us to be good friends to I’m not ready for a relationship, but I’m willing to try with you to saying he loves me…Now he’s talking about I think I want to marry you! I know someone’s thinking that’s nice she got him… The reality is his actions still don’t match his words! So needless to say, my legs closed shop to him over a year and a half ago. But he’s still calling… I’m not going to his house or spending time alone with him! I have decided that I am not giving relationship privledges to any man who cannot be upfront regarding his intentions and his actions must match his words! If he’s serious about wanting to marry me, I’ll find out when or if he proposes. But the legs stay closed! No husband privledges! In the meanwhile, I’ve been interviewing other eligible bachelors who are looking for a relationship and their actions line up with words!

  224. Georgina Royalty Blackwell

    This was truly an enlightening article. I plan on taking some notes. Although the author over-uses ‘hell,’ I would recommend that a lot of women read it in its entirety.

  225. Danielle

    This post just gave me a reality check and I appreciate it so much 🙂 I’ve been seeing this guy for two months now that I’ve been majorly attached too him and every time the thought of being in a relationship comes up I’ll always get the same answer of “I really really like you, but don’t know if I can handle a relationship”. He acts like a boyfriend, even gets jealous, but doesn’t want a girlfriend. Two months later after waiting around, getting attached, getting disappointed, getting upset, it’s time to stop accepting anything less than what I want. I’m glad I figured this out now thank you

  226. Kiyoru

    I’m on the similar situation except he told me he really like me. And like the feeling I gave him. He say he want to see how this is going if we will end up together or not. I asked him how do u determine that, he said he don’t know.

    What is he thinking? I don’t want to think he is just playing and leading me on.

  227. confused

    I’m in this with me and me with you type..we were dating then broke up. Got back together. Now fwb..a year and a half now. What I don’t understand is how you going to tell someone you dont want a serious relationship but you buy her valentines gifts, go out in public with her, even around family and friends, but dont want a relationship.. I’m confused..??

    1. Jane

      Exactky i told him next time we get back i want 2 gold rings cause he told me he wants to get 2 rings so peiple know hes taken and i am taken..he told me this than brokeup 3 days later because i asked him where he was and what he did when he does not kike me asking that so strange.

  228. Blaire Sovereign

    guys are selfish assholes, got it.

      1. John

        Why are you with him? Are you stupid?

    1. John

      Yep – we’ve got to take care of ourselves because no one else is going to. Especially a woman. You can’t be trusted.

  229. Khaleesi

    Everything you said is so true. I am in that situation right now. I am a girl and I was fine with the just sex part, cause I had done it before. So it’s not just guys who can have sex without wanting to get serious. But the thing is, this guy is so different, he really does treat me like his girlfriend eventhough he said he doesn’t want a relationship. I was fine with that in the beginning. But now I’ve stared to fall in love with him and all I hope for is him to change his mind about not wanting to commit. It’s probably stupid to think he will, but I changed my mind about not wanting to be in a relationship so why couldn’t he?

  230. justpuzzleconfuse

    Yes I am going through this now ,I tell him to stay away but he still try to get in my life ,he tel me were you going ,he ask my kids who in my car ,he get mad if I talk to other men , he watch me when I leave an come back ,he no what time I come an go ,he don’t like what I wear ,but he DON’T want to be a boyfriend ,he was give up no money ,for nothing so I can’t keep this up we not having sex at all ,but he just want me UNDER him ,he get mad if I move my car ,what do this mean ,he stay in the house at time for day watching out the Windows ,then if he see me talking to a man he shows up ,I am not no scared woman I am getting tried I think he really don’t want me I think he want control of me but ,he better watch it ,he ask me to come to his house and sit with him but ian not with that I through he would at first be a good man but this man is crazy ,sometime i think he following me when I drive ,he tell me hust were I been ,what is this ,do u think I should worry at all ,

  231. I'veHadEnough

    We don’t even have a sexual relationship! I’ve told him countless times that I feel like it’s special when he continuously pays for my things… I realize the problem is that I continue to be around him. It difficult to not see him and be around him (which essentially puts me in the position to have things paid for). He has invited himself to meet my family, join random functions with my friends and share in things in my life that I would normally share with a significant other. Help!! I think I need to cut the cord, but I’m not sure I’m strong enough…. any advice?

    1. I'veHadEnough

      Allow me to expand, he has flat out told me he doesnt care about my preferences and that he will continue pay. He loves doing this lives in public and making me look like an ungreatful fool. People close to us and even strangers comment on our “coupleness” (which he IS aware of)

  232. Brittany Holloway

    Not all people are at that place in their life when realizing the obvious is possible. I’m sure this thread isn’t for passing judgement on one another. So those of you saying people who do not know their worth or wonder why they don’t. Remember you were once that person.
    -Everything really isn’t- jhene aiko W.A.Y.S

    1. Jane

      What if h es 50 whats his excuse

  233. Lauren

    I have been in this situation before a few times I’ve ended the friendship in each case only once did I go back to being his friend but I didn’t know it meant I’d never see him again after he moved out of his parents house so now I’m reconsidering if this friendship is worth it I understand having to take the backseat to school or his job but if it’s his girlfriend I can’t stay just friends he doesn’t get to make me take the backseat to his relationship if that’s the case I’d rather put on my shoes and start walking

  234. Dbento

    I don’t agree with the comments of playing games I love this article but the guys aren’t playing games if they specifically tell you they don’t want anything serious. If they tell you that and you choose to stick with them, that’s your fault. I talked to a guy for a year and a half and didn’t listen to the few times he reminded me he didn’t want a girlfriend and I ended up heartbroken. But that was on my own decision making:/

    1. Jane

      Hi2 are you suppose to know he’s not falling in love with you sometimes it takes a few yrs for a man to fall in love.

  235. Tawny

    I have been verbally and physically abused by men for the past 7 years excluding the last 20months which is when I got pregnant. I no longer wanted a bad boy but a genuine man that can be a good role model. I found him. He’s perfect in every way. He is a straight lace funny happy go lucky kinda guy. The first few weeks he seemed obsessed with me. I have a lot of attention and love to give, & I don’t hold back on my feelings! He now says that he doesn’t see us getting in a relationship. I’m okay with taking things slow and told him that. I also told him that I do see myself with him 2 years down the road,& that I want to grow emotionally with him! He says that he doesn’t know if it’s “me” as in I the girl, or just females in general, on why he doesn’t want a relationship?im so confused? We are real honest with eachother & would both tell eachother if we went on another date with someone else. I don’t want to see anyone else. He on the other hand almost considered it?… I’ve never been treated so good by a man, he’s so kind, funny,caring,& eats my pussy like nobody ever has! I just don’t think he’s that into me! Help please I need advice… Also how do I get this guy to like me the way I do?!

  236. Thais

    thank you. I needed to read this

  237. Yenni Toh

    Do not put up with disrespect. Walk away. Respect our wish to have a relationship. Respect his wish to be a douchebag. Haha.

  238. thetrooth

    It’s easy to say “find a woman who just wants sex” because that’s not you. Do you know how difficult it is to find a woman who just wants a physical relationship without being in a relationship? I don’t think women realize how rare that is. So if we want sex, we have to do what we need to do. Most men aren’t out to hurt women, but it happens. Right now I’m in a “relationship” with someone that I had an affair with while I was married. I never told her that I wanted to be in a relationship. We had great sex and it was good, but she developed feelings for me. I care about her and I think she’s a great person but I’m not looking to be in a committed relationship, that was the whole basis for the kind of relationship we have. I don’t think it can be avoided for the most part.

  239. jezebel1080

    I’m in the same boat. He knows I want a relationship well I just want a steady boyfriend. He doesn’t want a relationship but he does all the boyfriend things. I’m so confused I might just end it again soon. Oh and I ended it before and he found me again and same thing. Maybe I’m the one that’s not ready for a relationship.

  240. Evy Nini

    Im a bit frustrated myself and need some help. Mrn, women please feel free to comment. I met a guy at work. Hes 24 im 29. He told me from the start that hes not ready for a relationship, isnt good at it and its not his focus or intension. However, after 2 months of spending alot of time together without sex, i finally decided to let go and sleep with him. Sex is great. He makes me happy but im not a priority. When hes free, hes around. Mostly late night. Weve been dealing for 9 months…. being explusive to eachother but no relationship and when id get caught up in my emtions towards him, he replies with i dont want to hurt you. I told you i dont want a relationship. So our final discussion 2 months ago i told him listen, where are things going….. i need progression…i neex to know im not wasting my time… he cares about me..and when we connect sexually, it feels like deep mutual emotion. Almost like love but he won’t advance with me. Hes caught up and still focused on himself. Doesnt take initiative to make plans. Just late night chilling and sometimes the entire day after, and a few days in a row even… he holds me like his women. Im so confused. I invest everything because of how we connect. Its 9 months now….i want more. Do i walk away or do i continue in hopes hell finally say yes to me a couple?? Im so freakin confused. Im almost 30 and not letting or seeing any other man in my life in respect to what we have. But deep down, i dont want to be pursuing a guy who may or may not open his heart to me.

  241. John

    The solution to this is so easy, but women have never been known for their logic or problem solving skills.

    Stop having sex with guys who won’t commit to you. Period.

    I am a guy who will not have sex before marriage. I actually want marriage and a family, which most women say they want. But then they try to seduce me and get me in bed on the first date. This demonstrates that we have incompatible values, so there is no second date. And I tell them why. You wouldn’t believe the reactions I get, which just confirm to me that I dodged a bullet.

    You are the ones who don’t know what you want, imagine relationships that aren’t there, and insist that your relationships progress in the way and timeframe YOU want. And any guy who doesn’t comply gets called all sorts of names.

    Please go away until you grow up, get some values, and are willing to communicate and compromise like an adult. Until then, I’d rather be single.

  242. Anonymous JD

    This is a really well written article and it has really helped me put things into perspective. So thank you for that.
    I’ve been in this limbo situation with this guy for 4 years now. Not the entire 4 years were like this. The first two years we were dating on an off. There were a lot of red flags that I saw right from the start and I had a lot of trust issues with him because of which I would get really upset and try to take a step back from this relationship. I heard from people that he tried to flirt with girls when I wasn’t there. He would also never talk about the future and when he did it would be really vague and it didn’t seem like it definitely included me in it. So that would be at the back of my mind too. But every time I pulled away or when we were on a break, he would make the extra effort. He would call all the time, he would get upset if I was talking to other guys, he would constantly try to make plans. And it made me hopeful again and would go back to him. And then it just became a cycle. I think I let this cycle go on because I have had a hard time finding people that I can connect with. Physically and emotionally. And with him, maybe it was just comfortable, but we did connect. And so I guess I always took the easy way out and thought that maybe things would be different this time around.
    The last two years have been emotionally draining. The last time we “broke up”, I told him that I wasn’t comfortable being in a committed relationship with him. I was getting older and hadn’t dated too many people and I wanted to do that. But obviously my feelings for him didn’t go away. And he was more than happy to not be committed, but wouldn’t let go of me completely. And I let him hang on to me, because things weren’t really working out elsewhere. And that might also be because I never gave it my 100% to try to find someone else. So that resulted in us being in this limbo state, which we still are in, where we aren’t in a committed relationship but behave like we are in one when we are together. Which is all the time.
    And time goes by real fast. Without realizing its been 2 years. And I feel trapped. I don’t know how to get out of this. I’m so emotionally attached but at the same time so frustrated. Being in a relationship with him makes me scared because I know what that can mean long term. But then I don’t know why I’m so afraid to just let him go completely or why the thought of removing him from my life is so unsettling. I don’t want to be with him but how am I ever going to be with someone else if this continues.
    Also the thought of him talking to other girls makes me upset. And this is the biggest issue that I’m currently battling. Although the whole point of not getting back together with him, even though he’s brought it up multiple times, was that I could talk to other people. But the thought of this resulting in him having another girlfriend makes me sick to my stomach. How do I get over the deep feeling of rejection caused by him pursuing other women? It would be great if you wonderful people could give me some advice on that.

  243. Steven

    If guys like this piss people off, maybe don’t be dumb and just refuse to be put in this situation. It’s not the car salesman’s fault if you get a lemon, its yours because you have to put a little effort in and see what you are going to get. If he says right from the start he’s not going to want a relationship, then tell him to piss off. If you stay with the man after he says all this, that just makes you a needy moron. Stop blaming the guys, and start by not being dumb. There’s a start! If you put more thought into buying yourself a new microwave before you decide to buy, then maybe put the same effort into determining if the relationship you are getting into is a good one. It’s blaming the brick wall when you willingly drive into it. Stop pointing fingers, do the positive and “Take the plank out of your own eye before you take the sliver out of your brother’s” Like when a guy says that a woman ‘seduced’ him. Yep, the seductress hogtied you and threw you into bed? It’s funny how many 200lb pound guys get seduced by women who are 120lbs soaking wet. Let’s all accept that you sometimes pick shitty men, you can only blame yourself and try to do better. Let’s not be weak-minded.

  244. luwam

    Omgg!! This is so perfect. I honestly have had enough of this particular guy that goes to my college. First of all, let me begin by saying this ‘guy’ that I’m going to be talking about is such a narcissist; he LOVES himself & i mean , really LOVES himself lol all does is talk about how big his muscles are getting due to his gym workouts & how many girls he can get (BS) & to make matters worse he has to be the one of the most paranoid, angry , rude individual i have come across in a long time!! So,, to get to my point, there’s this girl who also goes to the college and speaks the same language as him & I’m not blind so I see them both talking and acting like they’re in a relationship but when I confronted her to see if they were , she said they weren’t & were just friends but I doubt that’s true or they just hiding how they’re feeling BUT as an outsider , I wouldn’t enter a relationship with him at ALL because of his personality; he is literally rude to EVERYONE ughh!! (I feel like he might have a personality disorder & the girl is too blind by his “love” to see that ??

  245. Ann-Marie

    Great article. I have been dating a guy (long distance he lives in Germany and I am in the UK) for 2 years like this, but it was totally fine as i dont want a commitment. Recently (sept) I moved countries and now live only a 15min bike ride away from him. Honestly I expected this all ti end by week 1 after I arrived as the bilubble of long distance has burst, but it didnt. I really like this guy but struggle with the whole having a relationship side, hes the same but when we are together it’s like we are a couple. We’ve been away together, stay at each others places, cook together, on the anniversary of his dads death he called me and I was round to keep him company we go shopping (I mean he even pays for my groceries now and then), hes bought me shoes (he even bought me a cheese fondue which he says is for us).
    I agree with the article but sometimes I do wonder with my own relationship exactly what we are doing (hes 45 divorced no kids and I’m 40 never been married and no kids).

  246. The1AndOnlyDC

    Ok I can say after reading all this as a guy I can relate. But I’m one of the guys that’s not interested in playing games. My last relationship from day one of course I tried bagging it the first night. But when I was asked I flat out said I’m not interested in a relationship at the time but I am interested and n being friends. Well weeks months down the road again the question was brought up an again I was asked are we a couple. I responded with well hell I guess if you want to place a label on it because we’re with each other everyday. Well ten years down the road an now separated with a 7 year old daughter. I’m more so looking back at it as at the time I was afraid of commitment. Hell I still am. But now as a father that still tries to be as much part of my daughters life as her mother will physically tolerate. It’s not what it was seeing her every morning prior before walking out the door for work kissing her on the forehead an tucking her back in bed. But again I believe when kids get involved it’s much more difficult. An I believe there’s a lot of valid points brought up on either side of the argument. I’m just simply gunna say it takes two. If you mention it prior or not. Yes a lot of guys are just dogs an trying to tag another one, but for any lady or woman here reading this that says she hasn’t look at a man like a piece of meat 🥩 in her life one time or another isn’t being honest with her self let alone everyone else here. Because woman can sometime be just as ruthless as men when approaching a mate there instead or intrigued with. An I believe sometimes things need to be rediscussed every once in awhile. Because things do in fact change over time an so do people’s dreams an intentions. But I think it’s at that precise time an moment it’s the persons responsibility to notify the other person or party involved in the relationship. Of course being raised with both parents in the picture it’s difficult trying to Co-parents as it’s called these days because my Ex has moved on an has introduced a new guy In the picture around my daughter. Now as a alpha male first response to this “caveman style” is go do a bunch of crap out of “caveman anger” that’s not really good for anyone imagine or there for lack of great impression being instilled in my daughters memory….so moving forward with all past an current harbored feelings of affection or so for lack of feeling. Handing the situation heartlessly with just the best intentions for our daughter is the way I proceed to handle things. 🤖🤖🤖🤖 Again like it’s a robot with the greater good of humanity in my thoughts only. Hahah. Great topic to discuss amongst the genders to see who wants to start placing blame on who first but again I’ll say it. “IT TAKES TWO”. Sometime three if your into that Kinda stuff but you catch the drift.

  247. Rita

    My husband left me for her ex but came Back With Help of Robinsonbuc ler {gmail} com, 100% Guaranteed………………………

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