stephan speaks relationship expert logo

Single by choice, not by chance

cartoon man surrounded by women

A Guest Post by Robert Woodard When I first obtained an email address back in 99’, (WebTV, I sometimes miss you) I knew my tagline would be just as important as the actual emails I sent. My tagline read, Single by choice not by chance. I never knew how much my life would eventually imitate art.

Dating now is nowhere as fun or exciting as it used to be. In my early 20’s, women were like unlimited cell phone usage; we could spend as much time together without going over our limits. Now I hear the infamous questions; “So what does this mean?”, “What’s my status?” Today, I may get two months tops; I call those hidden charges. Everyone wants to be Jack Bower; we have to make it official within 24 hours or the world is over.
(Shout out to my boy K-chill for that reference) Life is a stage and I accept that I have a role to play. So I’m single because I refuse to play the following roles any further: the surgeon, the explorer, the advertising executive, or the stunt man.”

The surgeon, he looks at the X-rays of the broken heart, surveys the damage and begins the repair. Pros: Reconstructed to fit one’s needs, ability to clean out prior shrapnel, gives her a new lease on love. Cons: Like real surgery, it can be messy and expensive. If reconstructed wrong it can leave permanent scars, and there is always the possibility that she flat lines during the procedure if her emotions cannot handle the duress.

The explorer, he doesn’t have a map or a clue where to begin. Why? Usually because he deals with the women who say, “You’re supposed to know.” You’re supposed to know when I’m happy, sad, hungry, and thirsty, in the mood and you’re supposed to know what I want, even when I don’t (A little extreme on the last one but effective).Pros: He can claim her as his own, take full credit when he chooses correctly, always comes off as thoughtful. Cons: He can be off by a mile and think he’s landed in the motherland (sexual reference); he constantly comes off as being inconsiderate because he doesn’t know what you’re thinking.

The Advertising Executive, he usually stays dressed from head to toe. At a drop of “his” dime, he will say to you, “See, if you were with me….” He presents himself as Ne-yo, both of them. The “One” and the smooth R&B dude. If you were a child, he would be that bright, shiny package that is meant to attract you. Pros: He’s equipped to show off to your female friends. Well-cultured and educated enough to stimulate your mind. Arm candy, and good for vacations, play dates, and company parties. Cons: He comes off as a player, pretty boy, ladies man, he consistently hounds you for more time, and a bigger part in your life. (Hey! Look at me, I’m a great catch)

The Stunt Man, he may have the hardest job. He doubles as your close male friend, and pseudo boyfriend until the real one comes along again. Your family and friends all know of him but he poses no real threat to your heart. Pros: He’s guaranteed to be around for life, he knows you better than most, and he is extremely versatile. Cons: He may never get out of the friendship box, he has to listen to you talk about other men and he does all the behind scenes stuff preparing you to go to the next man.

I’ve played all of these roles before and I wouldn’t change it if I could. Playing these roles helped shape me today. I must admit that I learned backwards. I knew what I didn’t want from a relationship before I knew what I did want. On paper, I’m a good catch. Single, I have a job working on a degree, no kids, no priors, and debt free. But I’m also pickier and less tolerable than I was a few years ago. I’m single now because I don’t have the energy to perform the task at hand; a relationship. I know what the job description consists of and I am unable to perform the required duties; mostly because of consideration purposes. For example, I like to get up and go when I feel like it and come home when I want to, and you can’t do that without issue unless you are single. Relationships states that you need to consult with your woman before making such decisions, and when I say up and go, I mean literally. I have a family member that works in the airline industry so I fly only paying airport taxes. Not saying I’m going to spread my seeds in every state. I do have friends and family I like to go visit. I’ve never been able to say I’ve given 100% in a relationship either. Why? Because I believe that is a number only my wife should receive. I have gone as high as 85%. While that number may sound like a jip to the party at hand, it’s more than enough to sustain a healthy relationship. The reasoning is that I need to give my wife something that I haven’t given to another woman. And since my virginity is no longer an option, giving her 100% is what I have chosen.

I keep it real and I don’t say things to purposely get in women’s panties; NO DREAMSELLER. I promised myself a long time ago that it was best for me to be single than to enter a woman’s life that I felt I could not add value to. I usually get ask a very valid question: What happens if you meet a good woman? Well, I have met good women and I’ve had to eventually let them go or walk away. Until I go to Vegas, I’m not going to gamble that I’ll be ready for a relationship once it begins.  Too many men are selfish, and instead of being single  they try to keep the good woman while not being totally faithful or committed. They are afraid someone else will snatch her up; ANTOINE DOBSON. So they constantly mess up and then she wonders why he is so inconsistent? And yes, 9 out of 10 times it stings, when we reach the end of the road. Usually we are both upset. She is upset with me and herself because she could not change my mind/heart. I’m upset because she did not take my word as bond and I let her get too close. At the end of the day they’re Smurfs and I’m Gargamel. I’m the misunderstood/bad guy who can’t keep a Smurf and they are left feeling blue and three apples high.

**Have you ever felt like guys always overlook the good girls? Well find out why, and what you can do about it by purchasing your copy of the “Why Men Overlook The Good Girls” teleseminar audio here. It is worth the listen**

Share This Post:



Get The Best Piece Of Relationship Advice I’ve Ever Received For Free!

Enter your info below and join my VIP list.

Related Posts

44 thoughts on “Single by choice, not by chance”

  1. Joelle Paule

     I often hear guys say I am single by choice, I can get any woman I want to. But when a woman says that most people don’t believe her. Seems like a woman cannot be single by choice!!! I heard some guys say (girl you are not single by choice, you haven’t been able to keep a man and that’s why you are single) I just wanted to ask you this Stephan? why is it OK for men to say they are single by choice and not for women? 

    1. Lapompe16

      Amen amen amen!! Men don’t know either!

    2. RelationshipExpert

      Most people don’t believe her because a lot of times it isn’t true lol. Like I discussed with you on twitter, I will make a blog post about this and see if we can get to the bottom of this technical double standard lol.

      1. Joelle Paule

        We going to have to get to the bottom of this Stephan and I hope all the readers can  put their two cents into the discussion. I want to read it all. very interesting subject:) thanks for your answer

    3. Joelle, you are so right with the “girl you are not single by choice, you haven’t been able to keep a man…”, I can’t wait to hear an answer to what the major difference is.

    4. Silkyrob4sho

      Sorry for the delayed response. I think men are wired to believe that all women want relationships. So when we hear that she wants to be single we go, “Yeah right!” I tend to take anyone at face-value. If I don’t, I’ll fall back into one of my own labels above.

  2. Candice Jarrett

    I enjoyed this. I have nothing but respect for a man that is always honest, no matter the content. I think its entirely 10000x better to be single than to settle and not give someone all that they deserve from you. 

    1. RelationshipExpert

      I agree with that Candice. It is always better to be honest, and much better to stay single if you are not prepared to do what is necessary to have a great and successful relationship.

  3. Lapompe16

    It should be titled “Yes, we men don’t know what we want either!” when women say this crap they say we have issues. I guess both sexes have the same issues. SMH!

    1. RelationshipExpert

      lmao! I’m sure Robert will eventually address this comment but let me just say that the phrase “Single by choice, not by chance” does get viewed differently and perceived differently when a man vs. a woman says it. I do have to say though, I understand why : )

  4. So apparantly I am the female version of this male right here. My thing is, why exhaust every part of my being in a relationship, unless it is my husband or the two of us are clearly working towards that lifelong partnership. Because I am such a giver, I have to be careful. I am always completely honest, and really just don’t enjoy the dating portion period. I may be called cold or a B*tch sometimes, but its me really saying what I will and will not deal with and if thats an issue, I really have no problem with my own company. Loved this article!!! Go Romeo!

  5. i respect men that can be totally honest when it comes to any type of relationship. save us women a heart break. whether dudes may feel that we cant handle the truth because we’re known to be emotional, we prefer the truth any day. better to stay single than be just other jerk that broke another heart for being selfish. 

    1. RelationshipExpert

      I’m not sure if all women prefer the truth lol I have literally have heard women say they rather not know. I do agree though that honesty is always the best way to go.

      1. Missy Dontbelievethehype Thang

        i think women always know the truth whether a man is explicit about it or not. she just may choose to overlook it but she knows what is and what isn’t.

  6. Good stuff! This is why it is soooooooooooo important to find out what the other party is looking for from the START! Long gone are the days of “going with the flow”. As women we tend to do that, but by the time we realize it we’ve given toooo much and still don’t have a commitment!

  7. Alwina

    This makes total sense! As I get older, I learn more about men and relationships. I definitely want to know if ur interested in me or not. I rather not waste your time nor mine in what is or is not. Thank you for this post!

  8. Cat

    It is very refreshing to know that I am not the only one that thinks this way.  Before I get involved with any guy I try my hardest in simple bold words that I am not here for a relationship and that if I feel that either one of us is getting to close, I will walk away no questions asked.  I am not in a place right now where I can or am willing to give that 100%, therefor it is not fair to them to lead them on.  Thank you for being honest, for a while there I thought I was the only one that thought this way.

  9. @DrToshameredith

    Awesome read. I love it! 🙂

  10. ASH_BASH921

    This was the article that leads to this site. This article never gets old to me! I applaud the writer for this type of article. Not too many men will come forth discussing the ups and down of their kind. So with that said, I appreciate the honesty.

  11. Relisa83

    This was an excellent piece of writing. Kudos to Robert Woodard! I liked his honesty and transparency. I applaud his self-awareness of knowing he isn’t ready nor has time to be in a relationship. I hope and pray that when he finds his WIFE and not just another “good woman” he will recognize and know deep down she deserves his 100%. May he be free to be himself and assume any of the previous roles he has played in the past. May he be a 100% hudband to his wife without fear, only pure choice. That is my prayer. 🙂

  12. Relisa83

    I meant “NOT” assume in my fourth sentence. 🙂

  13. Stylicia

    The truth hurts but it will set you free, I have learn as a woman we want the man to be open and honest but we sometimes do not know how to handle the truth. I have understood if I can be real and raw with myself no filter then I can learn to embrace the truth on a more mature level. The truth is about respect for one’s self and others. Great article post….A new concept I can take on for myself.

  14. D. Elaine Fields

    Congratulations on knowing what you are and are not ready for / willing to tolerate.  It’s great to hear from a man that’s up front about where he is and what he wants.

  15. Meirala3

    Meeting someone that’s mature enough to know himself and be honest is a challenge. Both people have to be in the same page on virtually all levels in order to achieve the peaceful calm, which is the “healthy relationship.”

  16. Sharon E. Minor

    that was soooooooooo goooooooooood! wow, keep writing & living right! made me lol, but also think…..

  17. Tasha Charlemagne

    What is the "cupid love system"?

  18. Michaele Mickey Acary

    60+ years ago, men seemed to have a more dignified and simplistic approach to courting and marriage. World wars a Great Depression and a lack of easy access in connection, made a man appreciate his wife, girlfriend or fiance. The constant over-thinking analyzing and indecisiveness of many men is shameful and silly. Who had time to worry about being this and that to whomever, when you were stuffed in a foxhole praying that you would live to see another day? Rarely did you ever hear a man saying "I've met many good women I just don't think that they are right for me." They met a women worked through life together, and did they best they could. Where have those men gone?

  19. Sarah Darby-Wright

    How can you keep a good woman if you're only giving 85%? I can't speak for every woman , but I know I can smell that shit from a mile away. There's no shame in choosing to be single tho. I do agree with that. I just think you should give 100% in every relationship in life. Whether it be friendship, romance, family. When you hold back you miss out on the true potential of the relationship.

  20. Missy Dontbelievethehype Thang

    honestly, this ended abruptly. like he left an incomplete thought at the end. wasn't nicely rounded out for me but the gist is he dates but not for relationships that require commitment and therefore leaves a trail of dead bodies in his wake lol.

  21. Missy Dontbelievethehype Thang

    but he's not concerned about the potential of any relationship. he just wants to enjoy it for what it is with no need for investment.

  22. Missy Dontbelievethehype Thang

    i don’t think the issue with some of these women is that they can’t handle the truth. they just have difficulty with rejection which is natural. nobody likes rejection. if a man doesn’t want a relationship and he’s open, you have to respect it and you do. if you decide to still see him and continue to want more, you’re going to be hurt regardless because he will have to reject your advances for more. it sucks but hey, that’s what it is.

  23. I'm a woman and feel the same way! I don't think I'm ready or have met 'the one' to put my all into a relationship. I don't want to lead a guy on, only to find out I feel smothered, and then have to break it off. The whole "it's not you, it's me" thing. I see no problem in dating, just don't want the pressure that it has to turn into a long term commitment, that I'm not ready for. It's not fair to him or me!

  24. HonestAnswer

    Well if it had been up to me i would’ve been married with a wife and family instead of being all Alone today. I am certainly Not single by choice, and it is very hard meeting a good woman to settle down with for many of us good men that are still looking. i wouldn’t even wish this on my Worst enemy either since it is No fun being all Alone with No one.

  25. PaulKnows TheAnswer

    Well there are many of us certainly Not single by choice.

  26. AbsolutelyTrue

    Well with so many women these days that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very picky, is the real good reason why many of us Good men are still single as i speak which we really Can’t blame ourselves at all for the way that women have Changed over the years. Many women today do want the Best since they won’t settle for Less, unlike Most of the women of years ago that had to really Struggle along with their men to make ends meat which many men and women in those days Accepted one another for who they were. So today that really makes it very Difficult for many of us Good serious men looking to find a Good serious woman to settle down with, and to think that in the old days how Easy it would’ve been compared to now.

  27. Although this was written in 2012, it was a blessing to read the transparency of your heart. Thanks for being transparent because the integrity and character of a person shows only through their willingness to be transparent.

  28. Sadly Single But Not By Choice

    Then there is that old saying, Cancer kills very Quick which Loneliness can be a very slow and painful death. And when you have Health Problems and Can’t get around like you use to, it is certainly much Worse. And the very sad thing is that with Most women nowadays being very Greedy, Selfish, and very Money Hungry which makes it even harder for many of us Good men looking for Love nowadays as well.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get my Best Advice

Get The Best Piece Of Relationship Advice I’ve Ever Received For Free!

Enter your email below to join the VIP list.

Manifest the Man Starter Kit

Popular Posts