EDIT 2/18/2018: I originally wrote this article seven years ago. At the time I had not fully come to understand my purpose. I didn’t have a full grasp on the proper approach I should take when writing articles like this one. Looking back I can see how the tone and wording can be hurtful to some. As well as hinder my ability to truly provide some clarity and assistance with an issue you and many others may be facing. So today I am going to do some revisions. I don’t want to completely change what was written but I will make some improvements to my delivery…
I’m browsing the internet one day looking to see what pops up when I Google my book How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You…If You’re Her Husband. I come across this article titled “Reasons Why A Husband Does Not Want To Have Sex With His Wife”. I decided to read it since it’s an issue I have been asked about. Also, it’s a topic I plan to touch on in my future book. It was very interesting to see what was listed. I can acknowledge there was a lot of truth to it. However, I decided I wanted to do a blog on this topic and put in my own two cents. So below, I will list the reasons the article stated and respond with my views to it.
1. He is depressed and not feeling like he wants to have sex
I don’t know about you but a lot of men I know would love some sex when they’re feeling down. Part of his depression might be due to the lack of sex he has already been previously experiencing with his wife. In some cases he may be using his “depression” as an excuse because there are other more genuine reasons why he continuously refrains from getting intimate.
However, I don’t want to dismiss the reality that some men will lose interest when they are battling with depression. I have seen men get into a “funk” and not want to be bothered with anything. I do believe that many can still be seduced into “giving it up” if you know the right buttons to push, and the sex has been consistently good up to this point. Regardless, if he is clinically depressed then that is a completely different story, and that should be tended to accordingly.
2. He is no longer attracted to his wife
Now this I completely agree with. The article mentions how nagging, always putting him down, and just being an overall source of a lot of negative energy contributes to a man desiring his wife less. She also correctly points out that weight gain and changes in appearance contribute to the issue. I know a lot of women & some men who like to believe that love should be unconditional and not contingent on how much you weigh and I agree.
The problem isn’t love, it’s sex. For most men, sex is not as connected to love as it is for women. It is more so about physical attraction, and that can waver based on a woman’s appearance. A man can love you forever, but putting on many undesirable pounds of weight (key word is undesirable, because some men may like the extra weight) will make it harder for him to sexually desire you. So please do not get the two confused. Also if you’re going to throw unconditional love in his face, then look in the mirror and ask yourself why your love for him and for yourself isn’t strong enough to want to look your best and be healthier. I know it can be tough for many, but with the right effort, this is a fixable issue in most cases.
3. He may be having an affair
Unfortunately I would have to agree that this is a possibility. I do not think it is the reason you should first explore, but when all else fails then this should be examined. I cannot condone cheating on your wife for any reason. However, the point can be made that if he is having one, there is a good chance your actions or lack thereof have contributed to this occurring. Before you get all up in arms, I want to reiterate that an affair is never right. It is just that we as people just have to be willing to be accountable for how we contributed to the issue. I believe if the other reasons that have been listed and will be listed in this blog are remedied, then it will go a long way in decreasing the chances of an affair occurring.
Again, that person is dead wrong for stepping outside the marriage. I just don’t want you to ignore if you have overlooked not being the wife that you are supposed to be, and that he needed you to be. Be willing to address the issue with a willingness to make corrections on both sides. Side Note: the affair he may be having might be with himself. As in he is engaging in too much masturbation. This issue can definitely contribute to him feeling less concerned with initiating or accepting sexual contact with you. So that may need to be discussed as well.
4. He could be gay
This is another one where I can’t dismiss the possibility of it being true. I just wouldn’t want you to entertain this until you have explored all of the other listed issues. You have to understand that if you choose to openly use the gay card against him, and you’re wrong, you can do a lot of damage to your marriage. So please, even if you’re thinking it, be very careful in how you look into it. Wrongly accuse him, and you may end up with a new issue on your hands.
With that said, it is a still a reality that you unknowingly may be facing. He may have always had desires that he hasn’t known what to do with, or just flat-out living a double life that you were completely unaware of. Either way, this is definitely one issue you have no control over. Proceed with caution, and in the case where it ends up to be true, do not internalize the issue. It isn’t your fault, and the focus will need to be on healing on how to properly move forward.
5. He has an undiagnosed medical condition
Yeah, and it’s called “imsickandtiredofherass-asitis”. Seriously, I do not want to dismiss the possibility of there actually being a medical condition. The article mentions a few possibilities. A common overlooked one may be erectile dysfunction. This could most certainly cause him to shy away from intimacy. Other than that, if the man honestly can’t put his finger on what the problem is, then definitely go get checked out. Now let’s revisit “imsickandtiredofherass-asitis”.
Understand that if you have been married for many years, and you have repeatedly shut this man down when he wanted sex, this will have a damaging affect on him. You can’t expect that now that you’re ready to be consistent, that he is going to be all over you. You have programmed him for letdown, disappointment, and/or very mediocre sex that wasn’t worth it when he finally did get it from you. That can very well put him in a place where he just doesn’t care much anymore. He doesn’t want to bother with the process or lackluster results. He may then turn to other ways of getting his satisfaction (see #3).
6. Weight gain and unhealthy eating
This is absolutely true and a very common issue. It is a fact that higher fat percentages can lower a man’s libido. If he is gaining weight and eating bad, then he is probably out of shape and therefore is too tired to deal with sex regularly (too much work). Throw in the fact that a man’s testosterone levels start to decrease after a certain age and that only makes it worse. I definitely believe if you can get him to buy into taking better care of himself and getting in better shape, that it will increase the desire for sexual activity and his ability to perform at a higher level.
Also there are a lot of natural supplements available to help with this issue. Definitely do some research and see what he may be open to. One more thing in regards to exercise. A lot of men may go to the gym and lift weights, and that can certainly help. However, it’s a great idea to encourage doing cardio while in the gym. This can have a great impact on his libido and stamina. Which will create great benefits for the both of you.
7. You’re not tapping into his desires
Originally #7 was “You’re not as good as you think”, which in all honesty can still hold true. However, I felt a more accurate point to make is that you’re not truly tapping into his desires. The article I read did not include this reason, but I feel it’s an important point to make. Society constantly talks about a man’s lack of performance, and jokes about it all the time. When it comes to women, you really don’t hear it as much, but that doesn’t mean the problem isn’t as real.
Have you really taken time to find out what he really wants in the bedroom? If not, then he may have reached a point where the quality of the experience just isn’t worth his energy. Also, it can create resentment when someone feels their desires get overlooked and neglected. You will need to change that, as well as find ways to truly be more into the experience yourself. I understand that how much you’re into it has a lot to do with what he is or isn’t doing (in and out of the bedroom), but you have to try to be more passionate and engaged in the experience. This will give him the push he needs to be more consistent, and desire you more, as well as help keep you motivated and willing to participate.
A great resource to check out to get things moving in the right direction, or see clearly what the issue specifically is, is my bestselling book “How To Get A Man To Cherish You…If You’re His Wife“. Women are loving this book and finding it extremely helpful. You can use on of the links below to get your copy:
So there you have it, I hope this sheds some light on the issue for the many of you suffering from this. There are a lot more women than we think that are dealing with this problem. It isn’t cool when a wife or husband is being sexually deprived. It can open doors to worse things and eventually destroy that marriage. So though I make jokes from time to time this is a serious issue that I would like to see improved. Better relationships will contribute to better marriages, which then contributes to a better society. Sex is an important part of that equation, so let’s do what’s necessary to make things right.