get to know you couple on a date

He Wanted To Get To Know You But Now He Just Wants Sex

Ladies, ladies, ladies. How many of you have had that experience where you meet a guy and it gets off to a good start. He seems attentive, willing to talk/have good conversations, and seems genuinely interested in wanting to get to know you. He is flat-out coming correct and you like how things are progressing. Then at some point (either before having sex or after having sex) things start to change. He isn’t as willing to entertain conversation. He isn’t as available as he used to be.

He just seems less interested but he still engages with you from time to time and it usually revolves around sex. Do you know what I’m talking about? Have you wondered what is the damn problem here? Did you start to think that maybe this guy is just confused or simply just a dumb ass? Maybe you even thought to yourself “if this was all about sex then why didn’t he just say so from the beginning?”.

Here’s the deal. Though there are plenty of men who know from the jump that all they want is sex, but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes a man is genuinely open to having a relationship and trying to get to know you. Settling down is not an issue for him at all and for many it is truly what that man wants. What we have to understand is that every woman he gets a long with won’t be a woman he can actually see himself with in a relationship. He may be attracted to you and think you are a good woman but just not the woman for him. So his initial actions were genuine. He did want to get to know you and see how things can progress. He just reached a point where had seen enough in his mind to determine this isn’t going to work. Unfortunately many men in this position will not clearly communicate this. They are not likely to say “hey I honestly think you’re great but this isn’t going to work for me”. One reason is because many women would struggle with handling that answer especially if all looked well on the surface. So the guy doesn’t want to deal with all that would come from that conversation. The other reason may be (and I’m not condoning this behavior) because he still wants to collect on the consolation prize… getting that ass. Now if he already got it then we can change that to “keeping a convenient piece of ass”. Now I know there are plenty of women reading this who are just disgusted by what I am saying. I understand and agree that this is not good behavior but I am simply trying to honestly explain what is going on in many situations.

For a lot of men they don’t have to want to be with you in order to want to have sex with you.  You look good to him and he is still curious of how good you are in bed. He figures why let a minor technicality like not being serious about a relationship with you get in the way of trying to blow your back out (that’s a sexual reference for those that may not be aware). Whether you agree with this mentality or not it is how many think. So this man is not confused. We can argue if he is truly a dumb ass (the way many women would see it) but he is fully aware of what he is trying to accomplish. What a woman may perceive as confusion is in that man’s eyes just the game he chooses to play. Once he has determined that this is what he is going to do then naturally most aren’t going to put in the same amount of effort he initially gave. The quest for ass vs. the quest for love does not require the same approach. This is why there is a clear difference in most cases on how the man will behave when he has determined which one is the main goal with you. All of this may be a tough pill to swallow for many women reading this but the truth is needed.

To sum this all up, it wasn’t always about sex initially. Plenty of guys are interested in having a relationship but will just have sex with different women in the meantime. I will discuss in a future post how I feel these men should better approach these situations. Today was just about explaining what is really happening in many cases. Men are not always as confused as many women would like to believe. They just feel being honest about what they want will decrease their chances of getting it. So in playing that game a big mess is created and the negative cycle continues.

Get your copy of my bestselling book God Where Is My Boaz: a woman’s guide to understanding what is hindering her from receiving the love and relationship she deserves – on  KindlePaperback, or Audio Book format HEREYou can also get the PDF version HERE  

75 Comments
  • QNecoleB
    Posted at 17:06h, 17 December Reply

    I believe as a single women, I have to be confident enough when this happens to just move on.  It was nothing you did wrong, it was him.  If you got good conversation, some meals, and some blow your back out sex….It’s all good.
    We have to learn how to flip it, show him that you are not his side piece, but he is your side piece and you allow him to come around from time to time.

    • D. Jinx
      Posted at 23:43h, 24 July Reply

      You’re only playing yourself if you ever think a man can be a side piece. It’s like a man thinking he can use you by taking you shopping.

      • Hwkwkwk
        Posted at 13:18h, 22 October Reply

        That’s ridiculous. So you’re saying a man has never been used? Gold diggers are a good example of this, strippers and prostitutes literally make a living doing this.
        I personally have had booty calls who fell for me, completely unreciprocated. I’ve had this happen with men who were supposedly “players”. I’ve also had feelings that weren’t reciprocated, and that sucked. Humans feel. Men and women are capable of individuality and it’s insulting & harmful to everyone to make shit up about entire genders.

        I also really dislike shopping and do most of it online, with Amazon subscription so I don’t need to reorder things. Only thing I go to the physical store for I’d clothing as I am difficult to size. Apparently proportionately shaped women are rare, so on top I’m anywhere from extra small to medium, bottoms are anywhere from 2-6, and dresses I’m one size for top measurements and another for bottoms, so anywhere from a 2-4 with tailoring to suit whichever half is poorly fitted. It’s very annoying. I want to tailor make a few outfits so I don’t need to go out to get clothes either.

        Have you ever considered maybe men commit the majority of crimes and physical violence, including wars and rape, because society decided men are only allowed to feel lust and anger? Are you aware that in Shakespearean times, women were considered too logical and emotionless to be a part of arts and theatre? Men were considered emotional and heart driven, able to understand theatre and arts. Isn’t it odd the change in roles, with whatever men identify as being the ‘better’ way to be? It’s almost as if men and women are cable of logic & emotions. Almost like they’re both human beings.

  • Fedeliagrandison
    Posted at 00:32h, 20 December Reply

    Bottom line -get to know a guy before jumping in bed with him because the chances are greater that he will change his tune after sex but keep you as his go to girl for sex. If a guy is well meaning he will stay the course with you until you both are ready for the consumation of a more permanent relationship. The time before sex is the time to learn this man, his honesty, integrity, moral values, what he is looking for long term or fling and to learn yourself as well. Am I as into him as before? Women get caught up in the emotional even more so once we have consumated the relationship. If we waited we would realize that what we thought was initially attractive was infact whitewashed version of what we are really looking for. Now if we want to play it like the guy in this article, then of course, we have to be able to move on before he does or be ready for the consequences- move on if he decides to before we do, or keep him as the go to guy. I am not an advocate of keeping a go to guy since a go to guy is a sad excuse for the real and true relationship unless of course its just SEX then you both might be sex mates but not soul mates. Then again things might progress to a more meaningful thing given time. Bottom line, decide what you want, long term, short term, booty calls and be prepared to deal with the consequences both physically and emotionally. it is never long term  or permanent no matter how long you are together – even death brings change.

    • LG Kathy
      Posted at 02:51h, 20 April Reply

      Men COULD NOT do this without our allowing them to! Women are just as worthy and valuable as men, but trying to think like men is not serving us well. So what if we are more relationship oriented and do not really honestly, most of us, like casual sex? We need to be honest with ourselves about what we really want and deserve and not try to play THEIR game. Women were made to be different from men, for a reason. Be proud of who you are and what you REALLY want. If that is a real relationship, make sure you get it or move on.

    • Tina
      Posted at 04:58h, 02 September Reply

      True, and men who try to have sex with you after you’ve just met are really telling you what they only wanted in the first place. It doesn’t even seem to matter if you’re a decent woman. They will approach you like you’re a whore regardless and will always disappear immediately when they find out you’re not on the same page. These dudes are simply users who got away. Do not feel bad about that you have protected yourself from being someone’s mattress and wasting your time with a man who thinks of you as something only to screw.

  • embrya0904
    Posted at 19:41h, 26 December Reply

    Not only does a woman need to really get to know a man before having sex, she should really get to know herself and her worth. I think our views on relationships, especially views on sex and love have become so casual; almost an afterthought. A woman may have sex with a man and is hoping it will lead to love. Men don’t think this way. Women may rationalize it in their mind and say, “oh, it’s just sex” but then feel empty once that guy moves on. As much as women may try to act like a man when it come to sex, WOMEN ARE NOT MEN!  We have to stop lying to ourselves and be will to deal with the truth –we want to love and receive love. It’s just that we (men & women) have a misguided perception of what love really is. Starting from within is key, and of course God. When we value ourselves more, we will be more perceptive when getting to know someone. In most cases, we can see the “red flags” sooner.

    • Efecats
      Posted at 22:28h, 05 January Reply

      How true. I have been out of the dating scene and just got back into it. I am finding that most of the men  are for some reason expecting sex on or after the first date. I have refused to be like those women how gave into sex to these men. It seems to be the norm these days I guess.

      • Tttgh
        Posted at 11:56h, 22 October Reply

        Maybe women want sex and enjoy it rather than “giving in”. If you think sex is something a woman gives into or a gift to men, you’ve been having some pretty terrible sex.

        I recommend masturbating to discover how to get off and learning to communicate sexual needs and desires with a partner, then you’ll most likely discover why many women have enjoyable sex with their dates.

    • LG Kathy
      Posted at 02:47h, 20 April Reply

      I hate to admit it, but our grandmothers maybe were on to something by telling us not to have sex before marriage. It would sure cut out a lot of this crap from men. They just plain couldn’t get away with it then! I’m not saying that we should go back to those times, but just maybe we should think about the concept involved and how it served women much better than today’s climate.

      • alex
        Posted at 21:44h, 20 January Reply

        but they still cheated like no tomorrow.

    • Ggg
      Posted at 11:53h, 22 October Reply

      That’s ridiculous. Men want love and to be loved, too. Plenty of women successfully have casual sex without feeling “empty”.
      I’ve slept with men who have gotten feelings when I wanted causal sex. When I ended it, they felt “empty”. On the contrast, I’ve fallen in love and didn’t have it reciprocated. After it ended, I was heartbroken. I’d imagine I would be after a breakup where no sex occured and I were in love.
      I’ve also slept with a man hoping for me, his acting like he wanted more, only to be ghosted by him after sex a couple times. Was I hurt? Yes, but not because of the sex, because of the lying and immaturity.
      Humans are complicated beings. Men aren’t from Mars and women aren’t from Venus. We’re all from Earth and we’re all the same species.
      I’d appreciate if you would stop taking your experience and applying it to all women. Women are individuals. We aren’t a hive-mind, we’re not a monolith being, and we don’t have ultimate knowledge of what women would think, feel, or how they would react to any situation, except for yourself personally.
      I’m so sick of this “women want love and men want sex” bullshit. What? Women don’t get horny and masterbate over a man they’ve never slept with? Women don’t want to have sex, experience sexual pleasure, or have orgasms? And men don’t have feelings except lust? Men can’t be best friends and lovers with women? Men can’t go from a fling to falling in love?
      Those are both insulting ideas to both genders and only cause more ambiguity and pain than what it’s worth.

  • Onewomaninfaith
    Posted at 01:21h, 28 December Reply

    Stephan, As usual great job! I appreciate the straight forwardness and bluntness! I do believe women should read it with an open mind as Men and Women “think” differently. So a man does NOT like confrontation so he sees it as…. I won’t mention I am not into her anymore and I pray she doesn’ tbring it up either and this willl all go away. Love to you my brother! Thanks, and keep it coming..and keep’n it real!! =) 
    Trish ~ WomanOfWorth

  • Pooblyshus39
    Posted at 01:49h, 30 December Reply

    Still coming strong and to the point.. Great job.. I knew I should have read this before I post that mess on the “T” wall.. Thats ok. Know better next time! :-)~smile~

  • Sheila Coomasaru
    Posted at 10:43h, 31 December Reply

    I haven’t been in an intimate relationship for almost 15 years.My daughter who lived in California needed me.So did my father who was then living with me.I did date,but I wasn’t attracted to anyone.I had a great life.It all paid off.I go on dates,most of them r my friends.They know my rules.Men,want it like yesterday……

  • D. Elaine Fields
    Posted at 12:21h, 24 January Reply

    Yet another argument for saving sex for love.  Women will blame men for situations like these but the fact of the the matter is WE’RE the ones with the power.  If you claim that power (over yourself and the situation) and mandate that the relationship become a healthy sustaining resource for the both of you BEFORE you share your bodies with one another you’ll have a better chance of turning out happy in the end. I’ve said before that this means you’ll miss out on the company of certain men, but I’ve never heard a woman say “gee, I wish I’d given it up . . .” I have heard a lot of regrets from those who did though.

    D. Elaine Fields
    Author
    http://www.defieldsbooks.wix.com/loveandlies

    • Jane
      Posted at 12:54h, 30 March Reply

      In my case we were good friends for 2 yrs and when we started dating he never touched me for months. We get along great. He has to let go of a woman he fell for it took months she has no Interest. Things. got very good for 6 months and I was so happy but the last time I saw him he told me we are both single and he will date around this summer hes a golfer. Then he said your the best woman for me you keep me grounded like no one else can. Then he said there is a 62 yr old lady whose married they are attracted to each other. She ran into him and invited him to her home as her husband is away. He said he will go but no sex will take place well why go! So he will update me this is what I have to hear he knows i love him but he does not love me as much. I’m so broken I never felt so happy with a man in 17 yrs now…

  • lea
    Posted at 05:45h, 31 January Reply

    wow!this is what happening to me now at first he really good but after having sex he change but still communicating with me he even say he love me if i see i love him hahaha funny but i easily fall inlove with him because of his sweet words the first….now i’m stuck on it because I alrady Love him so much.he ignores me most of the time but its okey for me because if i msge him he reply once and it’s make me feel better.we only seeing each other once a week and just met for 2months.

  • Ms.Anaya
    Posted at 02:47h, 09 March Reply

    Woman stick to your values, stand by your word & don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.

  • Sona
    Posted at 03:54h, 16 June Reply

    You are a patronizing idiot for assuming women don’t already know this.

    • Craig
      Posted at 10:01h, 21 July Reply

      lol as all so called experts do, but not all women or men know this or they may know it but never saw it made sense of. Hes not an idiot though. Hes knows what he is talking about whether women know it or not,I call this giving away game.

    • Lauren
      Posted at 09:28h, 28 February Reply

      All women know this, they just choose not to use their knowledge when they get caught up. They always hope this one will be “different” . It gets A LOT easier as you get older and wiser and you will also learn to play the game too. And we want the ass too, it’s not just men. There have been very few men I have been interested in having a relationship with, but several I’ve been interested in sexually. Be able to distinguish between the two and FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP THINKING EVERY MAN WHO SHOWS INTEREST IS “THE ONE”….. that shit is so annoying when a woman falls in love with every man she talks to or goes on a date with. Stop being naive and take control of the situation.

  • TyLeishia
    Posted at 18:36h, 04 July Reply

    I appreciate a real man’s truth Thanks Stephan

  • Laura Smith
    Posted at 07:33h, 09 August Reply

    Cowards are not worthy……plain and simple. Move on. Duh.

  • Christelle Grobler
    Posted at 13:05h, 29 September Reply

    very insightful indeed!

  • "M"
    Posted at 22:51h, 01 October Reply

    “and I’m not condoning this behavior”

    Yeah, but I’m not hearing any shoutouts — from you or any other Brotha Professing to Spout Knowledge — to put a stop to it either.

    If you Brothas are as wise as you claim to be, setting yourselves up as authority figures to preach to the women, then you know as well as we know our names that men don’t listen to women telling them what they need to change in order to man up. Men listen to MEN.

    And before you put it on the sistas to refuse, consider the pressure
    they get put under by brothas — relentless pressure in some cases, just
    as you describe in your article here — and the single-shaming (and
    that too, by both men and women) of the ladies who refuse on a
    consistent basis.

    (After having heard “NO BABIES TILL AFTER GRAD SCHOOL”
    from the fam for YEARS, my own father tried to hint to me — not to the
    then-boyfriend, who was somehow mysteriously missing from the dinner
    table at this point — that perhaps children out of wedlock might not be
    such a bad idea, since brotherman was taking his time about the
    proposal. I looked him dead in the eye and said “So I suppose you’ll be
    picking up the private school bill,since you and mom are both
    interested in keeping us here closer to you in the city?” Funny how I
    haven’t heard a word about that since.)

    #notsofunny

    If you know it’s not okay — the way these men behave — then YOU speak out on it, Brother of Wisdom. This behavior is what’s contributing to the dissolution of the black community and to its relentless resultant poverty, for those who care about such things.
    In any country that’s having trouble with its economy you see the same behavior — men who screw around, don’t communicate, leave babies all over the place, and don’t commit. Anyone who doesn’t see the connection is just wilfully blinding himself. And — particularly in view of the story above, which I’m sure is apocryphal and synechdochic — I use that particular pronoun “himself” deliberately.

    “I will discuss in a future post how I feel these men should better approach these situations.”

    Has that post been written yet? Do we have a link somewhere?

    Or are we still waiting on that slice of wisdom?

    • Stephan Labossiere
      Posted at 03:50h, 03 October Reply

      I responded to your email, so I hope you get a chance to read it.

      • "M"
        Posted at 16:16h, 03 October Reply

        I did, and thank you for taking the time.
        Short response sent; detailed response to come.

  • Miriam Enriquez
    Posted at 04:05h, 27 October Reply

    Like you said it is reality. But I can say very true… gotta get wiser

  • Love Jones
    Posted at 00:17h, 27 October Reply

    THIS IS THE F***ING TRUTH!! AS REAL AS IT GETS!!

  • Shawna Taylor
    Posted at 22:02h, 16 November Reply

    I love reading your articles. I am learning a lot about dating again. I was wondering could you do a topic about widows dating again or something similar. Thanks.

  • Glendy Lovestrong
    Posted at 03:58h, 28 November Reply

    That is messed up…what can we do to protect ourselves of this mind game?

  • Nakota Wiyan
    Posted at 21:34h, 12 December Reply

    Get to know him first. If he bolts bc u didnt give it up? Its not a loss. Its a gain for you. Why? Because he wasnt planning on sticking around anyway. Have sex when you want to….but remember be safe and darlings dont throw your Pearls before a Swine. Have some self respect. Men will line up all day to get ez sex. They dont even have to like u. So, get to know them. Dont mark yourself down like ur on Clearance. Have respect for yourselves. Treat yourselves like you belong behind the glass where they keep the valuables. 🙂 I was heavy n lost weight. Thats why the body pic. Tryna shrink some more! :D!

  • Iris Cabrera Moreno
    Posted at 01:30h, 20 December Reply

    Nakota thanks for sharing your message! #realtalk

  • Shelomith Chatmon
    Posted at 14:32h, 28 February Reply

    I love your feedback. It all makes perfect sense to me.

  • Rachel Davilmar
    Posted at 21:47h, 28 February Reply

    This post is right on time….But honestly these games some guys play is overrated, unfair, waste of both parties time, and straight up an energy zapper. But sometimes thats how the cookie crumbles. C'est la vie #imoverit

  • Tammy Westberg
    Posted at 01:33h, 02 March Reply

    Hmmm, l see. When women have a lot of 'these similar thoughts that men are having', why are they considered 'slutty'? Why are men not? Why is there a double standard, like this is 'ok' for men to think this way and it's 'accepted', but women are looked down upon? And this thinking extends thru other cultures the world over. And a lotta times, the sex is fun and great until baby shows up, then all the sudden 'shame' of the fun is lain at the woman's feet while the man just scampers off to the next conquest. Why?

  • Sophia
    Posted at 21:14h, 14 March Reply

    I completely agree with Nakota! If you don’t have any self respect, you’ll accept being on speed dial for an occasionally “booty call”. Years ago I was introduced to a man through a 3rd party and we actually hit it off just from talking on the phone several times. But to make a long sstory short, after finally meeting and observing how he carried himself in public, I politely told him the next day, I wasn’t interested in going on a 2nd date. Well, that’s the message left on his voice mail. LOL! In my way of thinking, why lead the brother on? I wish men would do the same and not waste our time.

  • Charlene Strickland
    Posted at 01:16h, 15 March Reply

    Wow! You are preaching the truth. Amen!

  • Diane White
    Posted at 02:47h, 15 March Reply

    You are a very Wise MAN!!!

  • Christina V Saunders
    Posted at 03:48h, 20 April Reply

    I am positive that woman do this as well at times. Just saying. Lol

  • Nicole Woodrow
    Posted at 04:06h, 20 April Reply

    tammy a male with many different female sex partners is a slut too. To many people make sex a priority and end up with std ,apportion in worst cases dying from aids. Sex was made for married people only but many "people" decided to do what they wanted and start to have sex and to me a whore is a whore don't matter male or female if you have to many sex partners that is bad for your health and your future spouse health. People should focus on STD rather then Sex. many things could be change when people would act like responsible adults rather then animals.

    tammy you should watch this video on youtube called "leave whores alone". I bet it will change you and how you view sex. it is from manhood university the man who made this video spoke the truth and many might be feel bad but we all know truth hurts but it also heals. please check this video out it is a great message. God bless

  • Kimberly Terrell
    Posted at 04:09h, 20 April Reply

    This is so very true. Sad, but true : (! In spite of, I believe that there is hope for us who want real relationship and marriage.

  • Nicole Woodrow
    Posted at 04:16h, 20 April Reply

    well if she give herself to man who speaks smooth to her but do not want commit to her and she give herself to him then she throw pearls before a swine. A man or woman who give up everything for nothing only for pleasure and maybe a std are on clearance because the once behind the class wait till they find someone who will commit to them and then you give him the price if he wont commit don't give him the price do not give him husband benefits

  • Amanda Potter
    Posted at 04:16h, 20 April Reply

    Holding myself to a higher standard. Last 6 months of dating has truly been disappointing to say the least. Last week I met someone, "Friends first" title… Within the first five sentences, wanted a nude pic. When I called him out on it… He vanished. Do put yourself behind the glass as valuables, be true to your values. I'm definitely not dating for awhile. It is pretty sick what goes on after experiencing online dating. I'll keep my worth only to those who are worthy. Well said Nakota!

    • Tina
      Posted at 05:03h, 02 September Reply

      I’m the same way. Women who know they are value to hold themselves at a discount. They are strong and remain that way until they meet a good man who appreciates and deserves their integrity.

  • Nicole Woodrow
    Posted at 04:17h, 20 April Reply

    stop having sex until he marry you!

  • Keisha Boodie
    Posted at 04:20h, 20 April Reply

    Well stated.

  • Heisenberg
    Posted at 01:26h, 20 April Reply

    Sex is a matter of ensuring your lineage. It’s hardwired into us, both men and women. Males go with numbers. Females go by what desirable males will produce the highest quality offspring. There is no getting around sex for sex sake. Marriage, relationships, dating, these are all man-made ideas and are accepted behavior pretty much worldwide. So if you are a woman do you ask yourself the age old question, “Do I give sex to get (the possibility of) love”? To you men out there, admit it. We don’t mature relationship wise until we’re 45.

  • Zamzam Basuuta
    Posted at 05:46h, 20 April Reply

    You right but not only men do dat but even women

  • LG Kathy
    Posted at 06:43h, 20 April Reply

    Tammy, it is simple biology. Women have always had more to lose from having many different partners. Due to the way women are designed, we are more likely to be GIVEN a social disease than to give a social disease. Also, with more partners, a females chance of getting cervical cancer increase. (Nuns rarely if ever get cervical cancer). Our hormones make us become more attached. And of course, the common scenario these days of being left to raise a child alone, which is not for the faint hearted. So much to lose for a moments pleasure. Not to mention, a woman is more likely to reach her peak with a stable long term partner who really knows her body and who really cares about her and her life. Men are not so burdened by this problem, shall we say. Not fair at all, but facts and something to think about before handing out your goodies so freely.

  • Jennifer Perry
    Posted at 08:16h, 20 April Reply

    This on point. Been there

  • Rae McRae
    Posted at 10:23h, 20 April Reply

    A young,educated, paster son is playing the same game with me.
    I am learning that, religion doesn't mean much to me.

  • Rae McRae
    Posted at 10:24h, 20 April Reply

    Senior pastor son**

  • Kenya Smith Thrash
    Posted at 11:22h, 20 April Reply

    Awesome, and I totally agree!

  • Lia Ne
    Posted at 13:10h, 20 April Reply

    Charlene Strickland why do u say "Amen"? she is not a preacher or something..? just her Opinion!

  • Charlene Strickland
    Posted at 15:32h, 20 April Reply

    Lia Ne First, you don't know me. Second, visit http://www.dictionary.com to learn the definitions of the word "Amen". And you say "Just her opinion", my response to Nakota's statement is my opinion. And don't reply to me again.

  • Phoebe Mcintosh
    Posted at 15:49h, 20 April Reply

    yes so true!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Schevonne Baty
    Posted at 17:29h, 20 April Reply

    Sad but true…even though it hurts

  • Afi Pittman
    Posted at 21:07h, 20 April Reply

    Great article! So then how do we tell the difference between someone who’s playing nice to get sex…and someone who’s in it for the long haul? I’ve seen some cues, but it ALWAYS makes a difference hearing it from a man =)

  • Joy
    Posted at 19:47h, 15 May Reply

    Nothing he said is new or a secret. Too many women have just been suppressing or denying what our instincts have been telling us all along. This “information” should not be painful at all. It is not an insult to you if the guy is attracted to you and is willing to have sex with you for as long as you allow it. You just have to stop telling yourself the lie that you can sex a man into marrying you.

  • Zenobia Daisy Louw
    Posted at 16:05h, 07 June Reply

    Hi Stephan Thank you so much for the great advice on twitter and fb. I don't know if you remember me but I got myself in a fix again. Broke up with baby-daddy Dec13. He got a gf in Jan, i cried my eyes out for two months as him and his mom rubbed the new relationship in my face. In Feb I decided to live a little and started friendship with a decent guy. We went out for dinner and a fun run. I then was put off by his shortness and I got scared of his temper so I told him I could not continue the relationship with him. But in March I met a 4th year student at my work and fell into lust. He is quite ambitious, intelligent and is a sportsman. Not a party person though. We started hanging, movies etc. and he even slept over a few times. Until he left his laptop with me and I found pictures of his recent ex still there and a whole lot of porn. NO PICS OF ME. I was devastated. So two days afterwards I confronted him and told him I know he was playing me, told him I don't know what his plan is with me if he is doesn't respect me and has no pics of me. The guy didn't even want to be fb buddies. I had to beg him. When he did eventually accept he jus never commented or liked anything on my page. That hurt so much. So after my talk with him he didn't say a word and got up and left. Ignored me ever since. Well it actually built up – the suspicion and insecurity and I reacted on it by always putting him down in conversation. So he noticed that and told me once that I don't value his opinion. I always do that in my relationship unconsciously whenever I feel hurt and betrayed. This guy refused to hold hands or go to the movies in one car as his excuse was that the university will suspend us both if they had to find out that we're dating. I understand that but still, I wanted to be his gf and have freedom to some extent. He went back to his ex and told me he doesn't want me or any other girl not knowing I know that he is chatting to her again. Initially I thought this guy will help me to get over my emotionally abusive relationship with my baby daddy. But I fell hard for this guy. Its been three weeks and I'm still crying and he is still ignoring me. He even told me that I am a grown woman who is crying over a boy. That felt like a sword through my heart. How do I move on? I feel paralysed with regret and sadness. I never wanted to hurt him. When will I have healthy relationships? I push everyone away because of my insecurities and low self esteem.

    • Tacuma Cumo
      Posted at 16:04h, 29 January Reply

      Very sad to read this btw. Do reach out to me and be surprised by how things can change if you open yourself up to them.

      • Faith Hope
        Posted at 05:09h, 30 May Reply

        Please delete this comment as the person is not who he/she says she/he is.

      • Faith Hope
        Posted at 05:19h, 30 May Reply

        Please delete this comment as the person is not who he/she says she/he is. This person’s reputation is tainted.

    • Faith Hope
      Posted at 05:10h, 30 May Reply

      Dear Administrator, please delete this comment as the person is not who he/she says she/he is.

    • Faith Hope
      Posted at 05:19h, 30 May Reply

      Administrator. Please delete this comment as the person is not who he/she says she/he is. This person’s Zenoiba Louw reputation is tainted.

  • Sad
    Posted at 12:06h, 07 June Reply

    Hi Stephan Thank you so much for the great advice on twitter and fb. I don’t know if you remember me but I got myself in a fix again. Broke up with baby-daddy Dec13. He got a gf in Jan, i cried my eyes out for two months as him and his mom rubbed the new relationship in my face. In Feb I decided to live a little and started friendship with a decent guy. We went out for dinner and a fun run. I then was put off by his shortness and I got scared of his temper so I told him I could not continue the relationship with him. But in March I met a 4th year student at my work and fell into lust. He is quite ambitious, intelligent and is a sportsman. Not a party person though. We started hanging, movies etc. and he even slept over a few times. Until he left his laptop with me and I found pictures of his recent ex still there and a whole lot of porn. NO PICS OF ME. I was devastated. So two days afterwards I confronted him and told him I know he was playing me, told him I don’t know what his plan is with me if he is doesn’t respect me and has no pics of me. The guy didn’t even want to be fb buddies. I had to beg him. When he did eventually accept he jus never commented or liked anything on my page. That hurt so much. So after my talk with him he didn’t say a word and got up and left. Ignored me ever since. Well it actually built up – the suspicion and insecurity and I reacted on it by always putting him down in conversation. So he noticed that and told me once that I don’t value his opinion. I always do that in my relationship unconsciously whenever I feel hurt and betrayed. This guy refused to hold hands or go to the movies in one car as his excuse was that the university will suspend us both if they had to find out that we’re dating. I understand that but still, I wanted to be his gf and have freedom to some extent. He went back to his ex and told me he doesn’t want me or any other girl not knowing I know that he is chatting to her again. Initially I thought this guy will help me to get over my emotionally abusive relationship with my baby daddy. But I fell hard for this guy. Its been three weeks and I’m still crying and he is still ignoring me. He even told me that I am a grown woman who is crying over a boy. That felt like a sword through my heart. How do I move on? I feel paralysed with regret and sadness. I never wanted to hurt him. When will I have healthy relationships? I push everyone away because of my insecurities and low self esteem.

  • Karen Mickelson
    Posted at 22:20h, 17 October Reply

    Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for expressing the thinking behind the behavior. It helps so much. I am recently divorced and not super clear on what degree of a relationship I am ready for. Was considering this not a guy towards me, but me towards men. Dating, getting to know, and even being intimate (although currently I am having a self induced celibacy challenge :)) but then when it is realized they are a great guy, just not the right guy.. Its ok.

  • Missy
    Posted at 18:46h, 17 October Reply

    Though I do agree with you there are people like me where it takes a lot to gain a connection. Due to my childhood I have a hard time emotionally connecting(still working on that with a therapist) so I literally only think of sex as a physical release and not something that brings me closer to someone. What brings me closer is a feeling of being supported emotionally and having a person show that they won’t walk out on me as I’ve had happen in the past.
    Unfortunately my parents and families actions have led me to be seeing a therapist probably for the rest of my life.

  • Jeremiah Hackney
    Posted at 06:45h, 18 October Reply

    That's why you don't give it up until that is established. If you aren't for him and that's what you want..is a relationship. ..dont settle ladies

  • Jasmyne J. Jackson
    Posted at 21:51h, 18 October Reply

    Thank you! I like hearing things like this from a male perspective. Maybe then, some of us females will listen instead of trying to rationalize the man's feelings for her after giving up the sex.

  • Dionne
    Posted at 22:22h, 04 February Reply

    Thanks for sharing. It really is True. Good to hear this from another Man.

  • John Davis
    Posted at 19:05h, 28 July Reply

    Listen it was a good post. It was. But let's be real. Women today are just like men. They go on the prowl looking for sex. I see it all the time. Why get married today it's not the 1950s. Marriage today has little meaning. Are we humans to have marriage to be completed ? I don't think so.

  • Christina Gurrola
    Posted at 01:54h, 16 July Reply

    This was helpful thank you. I just sent this text to a man who constantly makes plans then just doesnt show up. Last i saw him he let me know he had the flu after we kissed (after he claimed he just had a cough and wasnt contagious). (We had hooked up kissing, boob and finger action 4 hangouts total, but i said no to sex which im glad about now). i finally heard from him 5 days later, he didnt offer to come bring me juice or anything just kept asking “what im wearing ” ect. I was not sure if i was blowing things up in my head when i felt he didnt respect me (as physically attracted i am to him) . He asked what i was up to and i said “if you want me to feel emotionally better please bring me juice tomoro”. Well today ws tomoro. He said he would text me after work, to bring juice and cement plans for movies on Wednesday.

    Just an hour ago, All i got was this
    “Hey can’t afford juice will have to wait till pay day. Hope u feeling better”
    Keep in mind ive seen him 4 times and he has flaked out on plans each time to just reappear few days later.
    My reply:
    “Hey i wouldn’t have asked for juice if i knew that, im sorry. However you did this pattern again : Bring up texting me today to make solid plan for going to the movies And flaking out about it. Btw it costs nothing to show care for someone by stopping by to say hello in person. the little time i known you you done this too much. I wouldn’t be friends with someone i just met flaking out this much.
    I dont need to explain details, you’ll just invent some stupid excuse for your shitty behavior. I regret ever touching you All u did was disappoint me ‘n get me sick. You never even cared to know about me or my life. U werent a friend to me just a douche looking for easy sex. F**k off. ”
    Then i blocked him.

    Its in my nature to doubt myself and prioritize the mans possible side. This time i did opposite and I feel good about myself. Though i let it drag too long i feel i atleast nipped it in the bud with some dignity in that text.

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