I recently finished reading Steve Harvey’s book “Think Like A Man” and I must admit that it is a good book. I don’t understand why so many people are coming out against him and his book. It spoke a lot of truth and gave some good information. Now there are several key topics that he speaks on that I want to discuss further. I want to give you my direct opinion on the matter and see what all of you have to say about it. Today’s topic deals with single parent dating. When is it ok for the person you are dating to meet your kids? (I am applying this to both men and women). So let’s dive in.
According to Mr. Harvey he believes you shouldn’t wait a long time to have this meeting take place. He feels it will give you a better idea of the kind of person you are dating. It also is an opportunity to see if that person is willing to stick around now that they see exactly what they are dealing with. Without breaking his entire chapter down I will just say that I understand where he is coming from, but I have to disagree. I personally believe that your child or children should not meet the person you are dating until you are both certain you want to be together in a committed relationship. Most people make the argument that you shouldn’t have your kids constantly meeting different people while in your pursuit of a partner because it is not a good example to set. Not to mention exposing them to somebody you don’t know well yet. I agree with that to a certain extent but my concern goes deeper than that. I have seen too many people use their children as a means of determining their future mate. I think this is a horrible idea. I understand that you want your kids and that potential mate to like each other, but I think you are overlooking a key point. If a person “truly” loves you, they will want to love your kids and do right by them. If you are “truly” in the right relationship, your kids will naturally be happy with the person you are with because they genuinely make you happy. When the child does not like someone you can honestly say is the best person for you, it probably is because a) they are not over the fact that you are not with their biological parent and therefore nobody will be accepted until that issue is resolved. Or b) they are being neglected in the process and are jealous and hurt by your new love. Which means you need to find a better balance in the situation and take time to talk to them.
The point I am trying to make with all of that is, if you find the best relationship that truly makes you happy and fulfilled, then everything else will fall into place. On the flip side interjecting your kids to early can make things messy. That person you are dating may be good at manipulating their relationship with the kids in order to reel you in. They are using the kids for their goal to get you, and you will be so caught up in the fact that your kids “like them” that it will become harder to walk away when you recognize they are not the right person for you. If they have kids of their own, and your children become best friends, here comes another obstacle. Now letting go gets complicated because you don’t want the kids to lose their new friendship. I can give many examples, and they will all show how this introducing the kids too soon can get risky. If it is a simple introduction, then I guess it’s cool and maybe that is what Harvey was talking about. If it is some intimate gathering where bonding can occur then you are walking down a path that can possibly lead to more trouble than good.
You are an adult, and at the end of the day your relationship has to be about you being with the best person for you, and truly being happy and fulfilled. Your kids can love a potential mate all they want, but if you are unhappy on the inside, it will eventually have a negative impact on the relationship and with the kids. If you allow their fondness for that person to dictate your actions when you know deep inside that this is not the person for you; then you will end up in a relationship that will only serve as a bad example for your kids and set them on a course to have bad relationships when they get older. If your relationship has the right foundation, then everything can be worked out. In choosing the right partner, doing what is best for the kids starts with making sure you are truly doing what is best for you as well.
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34 thoughts on “Is He Really Afraid Of Commitment?”
I was seeing a guy like that he told me straight away he didn’t want a relationship. There was sooooo much drama revoloving around him…I said screw this and left him alone. He lied about not seeing anyone else…his lie showed up at his house..slashed not only his car tires but mine too! She was kicking on the door like she was trying to kick it down and banging on the windows. The police had to intervene and make her leave. Then I found not 1, not 2, but 4! Pair of panties and some bath & body works in the bathroom and clothes hamper. Needless to say I left him alone. The funny thing is he was whining on the phone saying how sorry he is and how much he cares for me. Lol whatever. And he’s about to be 45. Sad.
Wow! Well good thing you left that alone. It is unfortunate that a man his age is still creating drama like that in his life, but maturity isn’t defined by our age.
Im in tgis situation how do I get out…. I want him to be man enough to leave and leave me alone too
Why would he man up and leave you if you are going to continue to let him benefit from having you around. You can’t wait on him, it is on you. If he was “man enough” to leave then he wouldn’t even be participating in putting you through this in the first place. So if your plan is to wait on him, you will be waiting for a long time. You need to do what is best for you and walk away.
I been with my bf for 8 years now..He has not proposed and says we cant get married now cause i dont have a job. I graduated college a year ago, and he also says he doesnt want to take on my school debt, but i never said he would even have to pay it???????
What was his reason for not marrying you before you lost your job?
I did not have a steady job, I worked part time every now and then. I graduated college last year in hopes of finding a full time job but have not found one yet….so currently im jobless…
To be fair I know that some people are very concerned with money and the economy. Personally a lack of a job wouldn’t stop me from marrying the woman I love but that is my personal position. You have to look within yourself and really be honest with the question “is this the man for me?”. You know deep inside whether he is dragging you along or if he genuinely wants to marry you. Embrace to truth, and move in the direction that is best for you.
At this point I know if I leave it will just be a tactic to try to get him to see what he’s missing, and hopefully prompt him to make a change. How do I find it within myself to leave for me?? I know the reality is he may never change. I just don’t know how to walk away. I’m so ashamed of myself for becoming this woman. Ugh!
Don’t be ashamed, just focus on moving in a better direction starting today. Be honest with yourself, are you happy? Is this truly the man for you? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? If the answers are “no” then there you have it. Do not let fear paralyze you. Instead let faith guide you in doing what is truly best for you. You can’t get the blessings you deserve while holding on to the things that are not for you.
I am very much in need for some advice. I am a resident doctor and I am dating a fellow resident doctor. We both have stressful jobs, but his job is alot more stressful than mine and every year, he has worried about whether his contract will be renewed and I have witnessed this the past 2 yrs, but have only been dating each other for one yr. He talks about how he sees us long term together, about having kids, etc.He even talked to a few of this coworkers about advice on where to buy a ring and asked one of them to come with him if they have time to help pick one out a few months back. But when i have asked him about when does he think we might get engaged, he says that he doesn’t know, but he knows that he wants to be married in the last year of his residency. He states that he finds himself barely above water with work and that he wants the time to do this the proper way espeically since he averages over 80 hours per week in work. I am wondering if this is guy code for “not going to marry you”? Other than this, our relationship is great. His parents seem to like me so far, my parents seem to like him. What are your thoughts?
Honestly I don’t think he is speaking in any guy code. The most important part is that he has a specific plan. He isn’t saying “one day” “sometime in the future” or anything like that. He has laid out exactly around what time he wants to take action so I think that is a very good sign he is serious.
I’ve found myself in this situation plenty of times, “talking” to a guy for months without a title. I don’t like rushing into relationships. I like having time to get to know the person and bond as friends first, but after 4, 5, 6, 7, yes even 8 months of talking, flirting, dating, acting like a couple, and no commitment, it gets worrisome. Then, when you bring it up, they don’t want to give you a solid answer. So, then I’ll just say something like, “Okay. I assume you don’t like me, because if you did, there would be no question of whether or not you want to be with me.” Then they always throw that, “I do like you,” at me, which is confusing, because I feel like if they really liked me as much as I like them, then they will move according to my timeline lol….but this article has opened my eyes. Guys are looking for the right one. They are fairly more picky than women are about who they choose to commit too. I was so hurt last year, because the guy I talked to for 8 months got into a relationship with another girl who he had only known for weeks WHILE he was still talking to me. That broke my heart so bad! It’s hard to not think: What’s wrong with me? Guys are more confusing than women lol. Oh, and they broke up about 4 months later…guess they don’t really know what they want…
Understand that a man can “like” you, but have no desire to be in a relationship with you. What isn’t to like if you are a woman who is providing some sort of benefits to the man, and he is attracted to you. Again that isn’t enough to make a man want to commit. So don’t be confused and definitely do not question what is wrong with you. It doesn’t matter how amazing you are there will still be men who only want a casual relationship. So let those go and be available for the man who will want something serious with you. He is out there, but it is hard for him to find you when you tie yourself up for 4-8 months with the wrong guy. You know what you are looking for so no more entertaining of men that are not willing or prepared to give that to you. Also no need to act like a couple if he cant even officially claim you as his girl. Don’t let the previous let downs bother you. Just shake it off because from here on you are going to take a better approach and you are going to start seeing better results.
Maybe there are some cases the man is not ready for the next step. I think most of the time, men do not take the relationship to the next level is just because they haven’t found the “right” one. There is also a suggestion for women that do not bring your agenda of “he should propose to me” to a relationship, just enjoy the relationship and when you both feel it’s the time for the next step, the big thing will come.
Thank you for this article. The side note may have answered my question. Time will tell…
I’m with a man who has had a string of failed relationships before me. We are a couple in every way you can imagine, except he won’t label our relationship. I’ve met his family, he’s met mine, we travel together, plan to travel the world together in the future, talk every day, spend all our free time together, discuss our future as “we” vs “me” and “him”, have discussed getting married and having children together. He introduces me as his “girl”, and his “lady”. He does NOT let anyone get close to him or his family easily and he has gradually opened up to me and let me in over time. When I ask him if we are girlfriend and boyfriend he says that we are not. He says he is afraid that if he puts an official label on our relationship, everything will fall apart, as it has for him in the past. I believe he is genuinely afraid but I am also afraid – that he may NEVER define the relationship. What are your thoughts?
Well it does seem that he may genuinely be fearful of the label. I wonder if it is just the “boyfriend/girlfriend” label he fears. Because if marriage is in the near future then you will clearly have the title as “wife”. i do think that part of the problem is that he attaches the failures of his past relationships to the actual title. If he took the time to openly and honestly evaluate those situations, then maybe he could see what really were the contributing factors to those relationships ending. Once he recognizes things for what they were, then it will become easier to embrace the title. Ultimately talk to him, and express you genuine fear with him. Do this in a loving and positive manner. Be open and receptive to his concerns and let’s see if you two can move this issue in a better direction.
I can relate to your situation, as well. My guy has communicated to me that, typically when he reveals his feelings, that’s when his “relationships” would go south. He came to associate revealing his true feelings and allowing himself to fall in love/trust with being the reason the relationships turned sour after he opened up. He feels that once he’s “all in” the woman will cease to be interested, which is just not the case.
He hadn’t met the One even though he thought he did. What do you need the gf/bf title for anyway if you all are in a committed relationship and you discuss marriage?
This was #Dope!!! You’re hired!!!
Stephan, I love reading your articles! Every man whom I’ve spoken to has said the same thing – they know and it doesn’t take years. All that other crap is BS!
SO Im confused. A man that I was with for almost 5 years, have two children with close to the time of birth of our second child cheated on me with a married woman and ended up leaving me for her. So does that mean I just wasn’t the one for him….or does that mean he is afraid of commitment. He left his two kids with me to move in with her wait for her divorce, and take care of her four kids……To me it sounds like he’s a damn fool and tired of responsibility.
If you want to discuss this situation send me an email to email@example.com
I know only that man should never leave if he has a reason to stay..
omg thats what he has be saying when i bring up marriage to him , we have child together im not going to wait much longer for him make that step.
I just want to add that he may not want to commit at all – to you or anyone else. But many ladies will invest their energy, emotions, time, heart, etc.. into a man just to have a male in thier lives. A lot of guys are just taking advantage of that. Why should he want to marry you if he gets everything from you without the ring? He knows you won't leave him alone and he can always get you to continue to do for him no matter what he does and what you say. He's not marrying you because you're allowing him to have all the perks without marrying you. You have to put your foot down and walk away. One main mistake that most women make is that listen to what guys say moreso than watching what they do. Actions speak louder than words. He can say the sweetest things but if his actions don't match up with that, then he doesn't mean a word of it. Guys are smarter. They don't pay attention to what we say. They watch what we do. We can tell them a thousand times that we're done with them and we're leaving if they don't "act right", but then we contradict that and let them back in and we continue to do the same things WE did before. So they know not to take our words seriously because that's what we're showing them. We have to get smarter, ladies. If that man won't respect you, then leave him alone or else quit complaining.
So true, I just went through this, my heart is broken but after reading this I feel better!
great word Ophelia
And also if a man says from the beginning he isn't ready for a relationship than he means just that!! If that is what you want than don't waste your time!!!!
My problem is I don’t understand when I’ve giving him a way out he won’t take it, he insists he loves me. But we went from spending every night together to not seeing each other maybe once a week. Now here claims he’s trying to get himself together because he doesn’t want to do anything to mess things up like he has done in the past. He s started out as being attentive and saying it’s his job to keep me happy but now all I do is cry from missing him. So many other things has happened in between what I’ve told you already. My mind says let go but my heart just won’t let me, I’m waiting for my heart to catch up with my mind but it seems to bee taking for ever.