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Sex On The First Date

Posted by Stephan Labossiere in Advice for Women, Dating, Intimacy | 48 comments

To screw or not to screw, that my friends is the question. Should a woman be willing to have sex on the first date? Can she really expect to find love when she allows the man to “tap that” so soon? Will he respect her or simply place her in the “booty call” zone for eternity? I have heard many varying opinions on this issue. I have also seen many different outcomes. So for the record whichever route a woman takes can end up with different results, but I maintain one position on this topic of having sex on the first date.

DON’T DO IT!!! I know there are a bunch of men booing right now and using some very colorful words but I’m just being honest. It is not in a woman’s best interest to have sex on the first date. Of course you can choose to do as you wish, but allow me to explain my view. If you are truly looking for a relationship you are now stacking the odds against you. Whether this is fair or not, most men will not respect a woman who gives it up so easily. Many will eventually wonder how easily you have given it to other men and that just won’t sit well with them. Plenty will say they don’t care but sometimes that’s just a setup. The man’s goal is to get some booty so of course he will play along and act like having sex on the first date is not an issue.

There are men who genuinely don’t take issue with it. You could sleep with them and if they like you and the sex enough they will still make you their woman. So there are plenty of examples of couples who had sex on the first date and managed to have successful relationships and even marriage. The thing is, I can give you examples of people who won the lottery, but that doesn’t mean you will win a damn thing if you play tomorrow. So using the “success stories” as validation to do it I feel is bit misguided. Yes it can happen, but if we were able to get actual statistics on it, I firmly believe it will show how unlikely it is.

Some people will argue that you shouldn’t come in with rules or playing games. That you should go with the flow and if you two connect then go for it. I understand the argument and I definitely don’t believe in playing games. Still I have to say DON’T DO IT. You have to remember that you are trying to establish a genuine relationship. Plenty of people latch on to the wrong person simply because of the sex. This isn’t about playing games, it’s about taking a smart approach. You want for that man to get to know who you are not what power you pack between your legs. If you two don’t take time to evaluate if a true connection exists (not sexual chemistry) then I believe you are taking a big risk in setting yourself up for failure. Yes some have overcome sex on the first date, but again that isn’t the norm.

A person I know once said “We can go back and forth on this issue of sex on the first date, but one thing remains true. We can find plenty of men who have eliminated a woman from serious potential because she gave it up too quick. Yet I doubt we can find anyone that eliminated a woman as a serious candidate simply because she DIDN’T have sex on the first date”. That’s what it all boils down too. If you truly aren’t looking for something serious then these arguments are irrelevant. If you know you want more, than it is just in your best interest to hold off on the sex and certainly not engage in sex on the first date. Now date number two! Do the damn thing!…That was a horrible joke so please don’t take it serious. As far as I’m concerned you’re better off waiting until marriage but that’s an article for a different day.

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

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  • Joelle Paule

    Completely agree with you Stephan.
    Sex on the first date is a NO NO if you are looking for a serious relationship with someone. But still people front about this issue, don’t really know why but oh well to each its own. 

  • Vstratford628

    The only time sex on a “first date” is allowed (in my opinion) is when you don’t plan to have a second date. If you plan on dating a person then that person should be willing to wait on you and do things (have sex) when both parties are ready. To me, if a guy isn’t willing to wait then I have to wonder how quickly he’s given it up to other women.

  • Kmjakob

    Great advice that needs reiterating in a society that expects instant gradification. Well stated!

  • MW

    Stephan – what about a woman who’s not willing to give it up…ever…well at least until marriage? Not to play a game or trick a man into marrying her but rather due to her own religious and personal convictions. I’ve read stupid stuff from men saying they don’t want a virgin or someone they have to teach how to have good sex – isn’t that better than being rode hard and put away wet by multiple men? I also had a guy tell me one sexual partner is one too many for a woman. It seems like most men these days are not willing to wait and see no value in sex within marriage – they want to take you out for a test spin before they sign the finance papers.

    • Yes most believe in the “test drive” approach but there are plenty that will respect your position. The thing is if a man doesn’t connect with you on a deeper level then he will not be as willing to wait and you should let him walk. Because at the end of the day it is the deeper connection you want and need for a great and successful relationship. You keep working on being the best woman you can truly be and the best man for you will be drawn to you. It all starts from within and addressing all of the issues we may have that we have ignored for far too long.

  • Efecats

    THANK YOU!!!! I am one of those gals that don’t sleep with a man on the first date, but finding that just about all the guys I go out with expect it.Epecially finding these guys on online dating sites.How can I get my point across that I’m not that kind of girl and find a man that will respect me for not going to bed with them? Is there any hope for me?

    • There is plenty of hope for you just stand strong on your position. You will get the point across by simply not crossing that line. Most men may just be looking for sex so if they aren’t down with your program then let them walk. If man truly connects with you then he won’t be so quick to run away. Just make sure you are constantly improving the woman you are and letting your value shine through.

  • I think that if you are seriously looking for a long term relationship, then get to know the man before you ‘give it up’. If a man can’t respect that, then he doesn’t respect you or deserve you. 

    Sex isn’t everything, although it may be for some. No point in having a man around who’s only interested in one thing, and has nothing between his 2 ears. Men like that just waste your time and energy. It’s funny how some men want to have sex on the first date, but if their own daughters wanted to do the same thing, these men would ‘hit the roof’ and want to hit the man. Double standard I say. 

  • Bob

    Completely disagree. And completely sexist. Assumes that a man will want to have sex on the first date no matter what and it is all up to her. Leaves out the fact that some men don’t want to either. 

    There is no such thing as “give it up.” If you are both moved by desire to have sex with each otehr and have communicated clear consent about it then you are ready to have sex, you are not giving anything up. Is this the 1950s?And if you are a woman OR a man that doesn’t want to have sex with someone on this particular first date then DON’T and it should not matter one single bit what you think that will make him or her think about you. If you think your wanting sex or refusing sex on the first date leaves other person with some kind of automatic preconception about you then CLEAR THAT SHIT UP using your words and actual communication. Enough with the gender stereotypes. I have seen some wonderful relationships blossom out of one night stands. As many times as I have seen both men AND women put undue pressure on themselves to have first date sex, lest the other one think there is no spark.If your prospective partner doesn’t respect you solely because of the choice you made about sex on the first date, then you two probably weren’t a match.

    • I respect your disagreement Bob but I don’t see how this article is being sexist. I also don’t see why you feel the article assumes that a “man will want to have sex on the first date no matter what”. It made no mention of the sort and simply discusses the why it shouldn’t be done if it is something that is being considered. That could be that the woman had the mindset that she would do it or it could mean the man is trying to make it happen. You say if the have communicated clear consent then there shouldn’t be an issue. I understand this but if the woman is looking for a serious relationship then she has to b mindful what she may be up against. Lets be honest here, there are many men who will give clear consent and even say that this will have no impact on their willingness to take her seriously. Yet have no intention of taking her seriously if she does it. Communication is great and always needed but again this is just the first date. People are not as honest as we would like for them to be. She can still choose to do it if she wishes. I also stated that there are success stories but understand that it wasn’t born out of first date sex. They were fortunate to connect at a level that did not allow the sex to interfere. Most people are not that fortunate. In my opinion a lack of spark stems from other issues and not from an unwillingness to have sex on the first date. Two people can connect and have plenty of sparks without crossing that line. So this article is simply saying that the woman is more likely to be hurt by this decision than she is to be helped or not hurt by it. You are obviously an open minded man and trust I don’t judge any woman for taking this route. That doesn’t mean that the majority are as open minded as you. Again a woman can do whatever she pleases but she should be aware of what she is up against and what may be a more effective approach. 

      • Bob

        Thanks for your reply Stephan. 

        I think it feels sexist to me because there is an overwhelming point of view in the article that the decision in a hetero date is hers alone, and that her decision on it affects so much about the entire encounter, while there is no mention whatsoever that men need to make this decision mindfully too. 

        And then it paints men with perhaps an overly broad brush, as in “most men will not respect a woman who gives it up so easily.” or “The man’s goal is to get some ass so of course he will play along…” Which is in itself utterly disrespectful to men. And then you doubled down on that negative generalization in your follow up: “Lets be honest here, there are many men who will give clear consent and even say that this will have no impact on their willingness to take her seriously. Yet have no intention of taking her seriously if she does it.” Those are pretty harsh words. Pretty sex negative words too. 

        If this is how you see men in general and if this is how your readership sees men in general, then your that is totally sexist, and more importantly it is a much much bigger roadblock to finding long term fulfilling relationships with men than the question of sex on the first date.

        Those attitudes don’t dissipate once you are in a relationship either, I suspect they will persist and prove to be just as toxic in the relationship as they were before the relationship. In my lay opinion, unlearning those gross generalizations about women’s and men’s sexuality would go a long way towards finding oneself more open to true love and lasting commitment. Whether you first have sex with someone on date 1, date 5, or your wedding night pales in comparison to that.

        • Bob most of my articles usually address one gender at a time but that does not mean I dismiss the role the other gender plays in the situation. So I apologize if you feel that I am saying that the decision is hers alone but if I am talking to a woman about the issue I will focus on what she can control which is her decision to engage in having sex on the first date. 

          You can choose to disagree that “most men will not respect a woman who gives it up so easily” but I do believe that statement is true. We have a horrible double standard that exist in our society and I acknowledge it’s existence but I do not support it (I even wrote an article on it right before this one). When I stated “The man’s goal is to get some ass so of course he will play along…” it was in reference to the sentence before it “Plenty will say they don’t care but sometimes that’s just a setup.” So maybe I should of said “that man” to make the connection clearer, my apologies. I am in no way trying to disrespect “men” but the type of men I am talking about do exist in great numbers and this should be acknowledged. I am in no way saying all men are like this and I think I made a decent effort to make that clear. I even mentioned that there are men who will not judge a woman at all and take any issue with the first date sex but you seem to only want to focus on the parts that you don’t personally like me saying. You referred to my other statement as “harsh words” how so when they simply point out what many men will truly do. I would think that we can all agree that many men have lied for sex. Not every man but many have and stating that is not being negative, it is being honest.

          I am not discussing how I view men I am discussing what many men do. What realities a woman should be aware of when dealing with the decision of having sex on the first date.To say I am being sexist is in my opinion a misguided statement. If you ever get a chance to read other articles I have written then maybe you will understand that how you currently perceive me is inaccurate. At the end of the day you are entitled to your opinion and I welcome and appreciate your willingness to share your position with me and those that read this article.

          • Bob

            Thanks again Stephan. In the end I am sure we will agree to disagree. I did read other posts and I especially liked the immediately previous one about the slut shaming double standard. 

            My most important point about these generalizations is that when they are offered in the form of advice, they legitimize and perpetuate the generalization, and most of the six comments that came before mine seem to bear that out.

            So I feel a responsibility to provide to other point of view and to do it forcefully. They were harsh words and though you are right, they were not the only words, they were most definitely the strongest ones in your article, while the mitigating ones were presented as exceptions and in some ways as unimportant. 

            I want to give voice to the “exceptions” and point out that men who feel differently are perhaps not all that exceptional. Perhaps they are just afraid to buck that trend for fear of being labeled unmanly. What kind of a man would not want a piece of ass on the first date if he could get it? 

            Probably more men than you and your readers and I know. And their voice is important for women to hear. Unless we speak out, the myth has greater power than it deserves. And your column, because it seeks to influence how women act and how they should perceive men strengthens it all the more. It is my responsibility to dissent and to call on others who feel the same way to speak up.

            Thanks for providing the forum.

          • boris

            Stephan,
            I think you are dead on in this article.
            1st: one article can not be correct for EVERY body.
            2nd: the amount of men who are not thinking about sex on the first date is so miniscule it isn’t even worth talking about.
            3rd: men wanting sex on the first date is not even an issue with women.
            We may get stupid and justify our wish in ugly ways but…

    • JACQUIE

      What happened to Romance or is it just hoemance?

  • D. Elaine Fields

    One of the best ways to weed out a sceezer is to keep it tight. If you’re one of those women who wonders if every man she has dinner with could be “the one” then dismissing even the idea of sex w/ in the first several weeks of dating is your best bet.  There are plenty of women out there who’ll let him have his way (should he request it, Bob) so that does mean that saying no may deprive you of his company but so what? The fact of the matter is that if you want to get off there are safer ways to do it than sex with a stranger.  The first date is not a time to be contemplating sharing your body with someone – precisley BECAUSE this isn’t the fifties and the number of diseases and infections has risen dramatically since then. So don’t be a ho (cause that’s what he MAY end up calling you) just say NO!

    http://www.defieldsbooks.wix.com/loveandlies
    whatwouldyoudoifhismistresscalledyou

  • T.H

    I agree!! Do Not Give it up on 1st date! I am married to the man I slept with on the first date. I was young and did not know who i was or wanted. I paid more attention to the outside and never really the inner. i was so wrapped up in finding love i am sure i was not ready for love because i had yet to know self.  Now 2 years later and well….now I’m about to divorce. I would like you ladies to know first to hold off on the whole relationship thing until you truely come to know and love you. Then when you know and love you and are sure you are ready for a relationship, even then make him wait a few months before opening your legs. Life is short do not waste it on looking for love in all the wrong places. Find love within yourself and God will send that person. Ladies please wait, trust me from experience you want to wait till you know YOU and especially know him.

  • Now here is a topic I have some experience in. Let me be the first to tell you that if you dont think people are doing this at a high rate…you’re fooling yourself. As a mater of fact Cosmopolitan took a survey and 55% of women have had 1st date sex. What does that say? It says that people love to lie online because they feel judged. When given an blind survey without their names, they speak freely and tell the truth. If you’re wondering how this is possible, I’ll go ahead and tell you. People are materialistic and shallow generally speaking. We all love to say: I’m looking for an emotional and mental connection. If that’s so then why arent 300lb women being snatched up (no pun)? There is a show with 600lb folks on TV now. If looks mean little, why so many “standards” for things? So the laws of attraction and status come into play. If you think that people arent sleeping with athletes/entertainers and other well off people on the first date, you’re in denial. I’m telling you that its  not far fetched. Steve Harvey tried to push the 90 day rule…good luck. That’s not realistic either. We dont live in the days of our parents or grandparents. People are not having sex for the first time on their honeymoon. Should we practice those teachings? I absolutely agree with that. Until then. Good luck. 

  • N_d_a2887

    me and my finace has been together for about four years now! (getting married this summer) No shame in my game– I gave it up on the first date we had. do i regret it? No and Yes. In my mind i just wanted my first one night stand and NO RELATIONSHIP!. surprising he called me the next day and told me how much he enjoyed last night and etc. in my opinion ladies and gents, if ur looking to have a realationship and all that sweet stuff then dnt give it up! wait 90 days or more. But on the other hand if ur looking to have fun, and what happen happens then go for it. use protection and live life. u only get one

    • Brandie

      I agree completely. Same with me and my husband of 8 years. I believe when your “looking” for a relationship, sometimes you don’t find it, or sometimes you settle. This can lead to bad and/or rash decisions, sex being one of them. When you learn to love yourself and are happy with the decisions you make, then even sex first or last date will result in your happiness and exude confidence to your mate- man or woman.

  • getting to know the man first is better in my own opinion

  • kimberly

    I absolutely disagree with this article..and yes heres a success story of mine i had sex with my man soon to be husband on the first date and i can tell you one thing that man has sooool much respect for me til this day he know that im
    Neither a hoe or easy..we had chemistry and it led to the bed lol..i feel it all has somthing to do with the man and his insecurities..why should he feel that u may been easy with others if he knew his woman the way he claim he does he should know that was only a one time thing..men know who are easy and whos not by the first conversation!! So thats what it is to me

    • I’m not sure why you absolutely disagree because I acknowledged that there are some success stories. Yet that does not mean the odds are in a woman’s favor as I pointed out in the article. I would have to disagree that men know who is easy and who is not by the first conversation. Regardless having sex too early can cloud a persons judgement. It is great that you and your fiancee found success but most women aren’t as fortunate when having sex on the first date.

      • Guest

        Kimberly also Stephan said : “The thing is I can give you examples of people who won the lottery but
        that doesn’t mean your ass will win a damn thing if you play tomorrow.” So in a way he didn’t say about everyone but the most of the dates….. He never said that it’s not possible..

      • MarinaMJ

        Kimberly also Stephan said :”So there are plenty of examples of couples who slept on the first date
        and managed to have successful relationships and even marriage.”So in a way he didn’t say about everyone but the most of the dates….. He never said that it’s not possible..

  • Vanessa

    While this article neatly lays out the logic as it applies to relationships, and in that sense is kind and practical towards women, it also fails to address the problem of sex drive in a clear and meaningful way towards women who would rather not have first date sex but are not in a relationship and find it difficult to “never” have sex because waiting for the right guy can take so long. I know this was not the aim of the article, however it is the aim of my comment.

    What I fail to see addressed in so many of the articles that I read about first-date sex is the sex drive of women. If you are a woman who has a low sex drive, GO YOU. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to live in your body, to be you, nor can I easily relate you you. But thank God you’re you, because many of us, just are not. It will be very easy for you to follow no first-date sex advice and you’ll be the star children of such advice.

    God gave me a different gift, the high libido.

    I am a female entrepreneur and I have a high libido since my late 20s. Speaking of 20, I didn’t have sex until I was 20. Today, I am successful in my business (almost all my clients are women) and I am very picky about men. I am a leader, not a slave worker in this society, and I am a beautiful woman and my business is the spiritual world. I absolutely will not date someone who can’t keep up with me intellectually, isn’t as attractive as I am, doesn’t have good energy, or doesn’t show clearly that he has feelings.

    I’ve ended up in first date sex with men who did not know that’s what they were going to be doing with me when they woke up that morning; in fact, who later said they were surprised that it happened–and yet of course they initiated it. Because if they didn’t, there’s no way I would have. These were last minute dates for one reason or another. In fact one of them was a business meeting that turned into a date. Why were they last minute dates? Because I was trying to “date the right way,” wait until I’m asked out, etc., and blah blah blah. (Never/ rarely asked out, work out of my home by necessity, etc.)

    The reason that I am writing this is to illustrate that when you put food in front of a person who hasn’t had a meal in while, they are probably going to take it. Even though I’d love to have an awesome relationship right now, its just not practical for me to hold out hold out hold out hold out until I go out with someone who isn’t right for me (repeat x10.) Or maybe something awesome would happen–maybe I’d set myself up to meet the best dude of my life–5-15 years from now. Because it takes a long time to date (the right way,) just like it takes a long time to lose weight. The body wants what it wants, and so does the rest of us, even when the mind and the brain realize there is a point down the road that is being sacrificed for this present moment.

    The last three times I had first date sex (and the only three this year,) with none the previous year, I asked the man if he thought it was a good idea and two said no, but we did it anyway. I know that’s true, and still, because of the rest of the reality, I write this post.

    In the end, I can’t help believeing…

    If a man is the kind of guy who will leave me because I had sex with him on the first date, doesn’t have the ability to communicate with me properly to see if there is or could be a deep connection, and he doesn’t have the focus or the people skills or the caring-about-people skills to realize I’m a person that he might want to get to know, then he has a very poor sixth sense and emotional intelligence and I really don’t want him anyway.

    • lala

      Thank you Vanessa for pointing this out. I definitely understand the logic and try to follow it but when it’s been a while and the “equipment” isn’t doing the job, it’s really hard to resist sexual chemistry. In addition,because I don’t get asked out on dates too often, that too can lead to a “build up” that makes it that much harder to focus on not “giving it up” on the first date or even first few dates. I truly hate this double standard.

  • amaerd

    We had sex on the first date AND he was in the middle of a divorce. Double negative right? Well, 6 months later his divorce was finalized. And here we are almost 2 years later. We are absolutely crazy about each other! So in love, no major issues in our relationship, he honors and respects me on the highest level. I believe a proposal is coming 🙂 He is my soulmate! Everyone isnt perfect and won’t fit into a cookie cutter image. Had I not given him a chance due to his situation, I could have possibly missed out on my blessing. Yes I know that our situation isn’t typical but I will say this: if a man is going to be with you, he is going to be with you whether you sleep with him on the 1st date or the 10th. With holding coochie won’t make a man stay. Who’s to say that he won’t leave when you finally give it up?

  • TanTan

    Stephan, I totally agree with this article. Men don’t understand what it means to court a woman, and women don’t know what it’s like to be courted by a man. Sex changes the dynamic of people’s feeling, and when you have NO IDEA who you’re sleeping with, the last thing you need is the rationale that the sex is good to excuse bad behavior. I know a woman now that moved a guy in after 5 days of sex since the first date. He doesn’t have a job or a place to stay, and is convincing her to kick her teen children out to move with him by herself. Yes, some women just love sex, and they don’t regret their partners, but they fail to see how their sex-led decision impact others.

  • Mugate

    No commitment, no cookie. Sometimes its hard to resist after a few dates but each situation is different.

  • Tony

    Um my old mates tend to flag the relationship for quick sex if they can get it otherwise ground work is needed.

    Stephen’s main point here is “Yet I doubt we can find anyone that eliminated a woman as a serious candidate simply because she DIDN’T have sex on the first date”

    My experience is that men can’t handle a women’s emotional strength, If she is of age she is ready for sex (Love) more than you!

    As an immature man I have to go with the majority and wait a week or so before sex. Knowing myself thats just ammunition for a later fight. (Besides my goal is kids not sex)

    While it is preferable to have your cake and eat it to that is more of an ideal to strive for. Guy’s that score regularly seem to be carefree and will settle when their ready.

    The article does come from women’s point of view though I believe it is accurate in its assumption of its categorization of men.

  • jjmjoe

    I disagree kind of.. I know many women don’t give it up on the first date yet it still doesn’t yield a good outcome in the relationship for them. The thing is, most men only want that anyways and they really don’t care if its the first date or the 10th. And it is a complete double standard because a man will hardly ever say no on the first date but will a woman look at him like he’s not husband material because of that? Do what you feel comfortable with, but just don’t be naive and vulnerable.

  • Mztavia

    I totally agree with the better to wait. But I guess I’m an exception to the rule, as well. I have had sex on the first date, twice in my life time. Both times turned into long term relationships. I was with one guy for 5 years, and the other guy for 7 years. But at the same time, like Stephan says it’s not likely this will always happen. And I haven’t had sex on the first date, since the guy I was with for 7 years. As always this was a good article.

  • mbydr

    sexy photos

  • Nicole Farthing

    I decided not to give it at all, until a loving relationship is established first. Needless to say, I been single awhile now. The guys always say, if you love the guy, then you should want to please them right? Im up front about it in the first conversation. So needless to say, ive not had a conversation last more than a few days. It’s disappointing!

  • camaro_mang

    lots of germs out there gotta be careful