“He won’t let me go” I have heard this so many times from women who come to me for advice. In the midst of battling the reasons whether they should stay in their relationship or if it is time to walk away, they find comfort in believing that the man must love them because he refuses to bow out peacefully. Granted there are many situations that the man is truly in love with the woman, but do not always be fooled.
A lot of times what is really happening is that you’re just too damn convenient. You are too beneficial to this man for him to dare let you walk away. We all see women everyday who basically are the mothers to the men they are with. They do it all and sexual benefits are included. They take care of everything, carry the financial burden, and allow the man to get away with way too much. He can cheat on her and disrespect her. He can break her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Yet because he insists that he wants to be with you when you’re ready to leave you actually start to buy into the “he won’t let me go, so he must love me” perception. If he really loved you he would not do half the things I just listed. He would not wait until you’re ready to leave to finally step up his game (he will step it up long enough to reel you back in but then it is back to the same old negative behavior). If he actually loved you then his heart would weigh heavy on him when he knowingly and continuously brings you stress, unhappiness, and hurt. A man who loves his woman cannot continuously watch his woman in pain and be OK with it. Some situations are not this extreme but the principle remains the same. He keeps you around and fights for you because you’re his meal ticket. So why would he let that go.
Love has nothing to do with it and a woman needs to be honest with herself. She should not continue to feed herself a lie due to her fear of a failed relationship and being alone.
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262 thoughts on ““He Won’t Let Me Go”…That Doesn’t Mean He Loves You”
: ) thank you
This is so real and unfortunatel guys do this to good women.
It is unfortunate, but maybe the more we talk about it the more we may be able to get some men to take a different approach
So, So, True… Let them know. Ladies its time to wake up!
thank you, hopefully the women are paying attention to this
Im currently in this type of situation and I suffer daily from depression and anxiety. I will be moving back to my home state to get away from him and move onto what GOD has for my life. I should’ve left a long time ago but now is the time.
Pray for me…..
I agree with alot of this but often I would tell people not to rush because people do change and to just leave him would probably hurt him alot to. Men are not 100% flawless just as us Women are not but if he’s at least a good guy or loves you then it would more than likely be something still there as far as your relationship is concerned that would make it worth keepin alive. Because when me any my husband split up it was horrible all we could do was think about each other and if it was the right decision and now a year later we’re back together… and happy too… If he was abusive or was on drugs then i would say bail as fast as possible but in certain situations just hitting the eject button isnt always the best scenario. Anyway best of luck in whatever you do…
I understand where you are coming from Jasmine and I don’t disagree. I just think people have to realize the difference between the right people going through some bad times, and the wrong people who have no business being with each other. Also when marriage comes into play then it does change the dynamic and how I view things should be approached.
I agree with Stephan. I was in a horrible relationship with many of the listed “signs” in the article. I stayed and even married the man for it to only become MUCH worse (abuse-emotional and mental and getting close to physical) only to find out on our 2 yr anniversary that he was having an affair with his high school friend while on vacation to his home town clear across the country and COMPLETELY out of my element. Try having to stay with someone for a week after finding out (because the airport being 2 hours away and no ride and no money to get there) by reading emails and the other girls husband what was really going on and nothing from your own husband. It wasn’t fun. Now I am divorced and REALLY happy.
My sister is with this guy who claims to love her and has said numerous times he would take care of her. But he hasn’t shown it. After them both being deployed he didn’t do what he said he would (and he could) and actually caused her to go into financial debt losing her car, phone, among other things. She had to have surgery on both her feet and couldn’t walk. She asked him to get her some more water and he threw a fit telling my mom outside “What does she expect me to do?! When she says jump I have to say how high?!” He didn’t and couldn’t take care of her. I’ve told her numerous times and talked to her a bunch but she “Loves” him.
My foreign exchange sister has been with her boyfriend for 10 years and it never felt right when he proposed. She had a skiing accident last year and had to have a rod put in her leg from her hip to her foot and during that time her boyfriend was there for her the whole step of the way, taking care of her and doing everything he could so she would be comfortable and ok with little pain as possible. He didn’t complain. He’s helped her and shown he has and will take care of her. At the place of her accident she said it felt right, so she proposed to him a month or two ago and he cried.
I’ve decided that I don’t want a relationship like my sister has, I have done that and all I have gotten out of it was really bad things and even now 2 years later I am still battling emotional scars. I want to have a relationship like my exchange sister’s. I can just see the love he has for her and I have no worry he will take care of her always.
As far as “people do change” part of Jasmines I have to disagree to a point. People change yes. I heard/read once that the only woman who can change a man is his mother-when he is a kid. You can’t stay in a relationship because you think he/she will change and especially if you THINK you are able to change him. It will never work and all you will cause is more frustration and hurt on yourself. If there is a problem, go to counseling at your church. At least there you both will learn what problems are really going on and have a better chance of fixing them.
I know I’m late. I want to encourage you to concentrate on 2 key areas:
1) What are you thinking? The crux goes to how you frame the world around you. Your Frame of Reference is key to walking out f the human blindness that is the human condition. More than likely, you are caught up or stuck in the past–something you went through that keep rearing its ugly head.
So, take a minute to re-calibrate. Ask yourself this. Could that relationship have simply been a bad choice for me? Why did I choose that person? Do they recognize, appreciate and reciprocate my own values or are the COMPLETELY incapable? Based on your answers, act accordingly.
2) Spiritual connection. You have to tap into something, stronger, truer, and unmovable to as definitive standard against which to hold your thoughts to weed out lies you might be believing about yourself!
Good success to you! I’m excited that you have chosen a more purposeful vision!
I was married for 25 years he does nothing but work come home work some .more and eat and go to bed he don’t do any thing with me I left in 2010 for three for three months said he would change didn’t I was here for another four years same thing so I left and got a divorce was gone for almost a year he wanted to date and show me he has changed he has just a little but he’s really the same I sat here unhappy depressed cause the feeling aren’t the same and he blocked me from his face book saying when his daughter comes over bell unblock me she came but nothing was said I see him texting but he makes up stories I can’t see but he works with this guy every day and at night this but wants to text him to see what salvage yard he goes to when he has all day to tell him I feel he really don’t want me here he just wants his money back he didn’t come home from work last night unail 1030 said ait of stuff broke I didn’t say any thing just went to bed this feeling I have in side of me is driving me crazy I want to leave but I hate to hurt him again but when do I think of my self am I wrong cause he won’t unblock me from his face book he has his ex on their but won’t except any of my family I don’t know what to do i. So unhappy but if I talk to him bell just start crying and say he’s doung all this for us what do I do signed lost
Please can some one help me with this as I don’t know what to do as I feel so all alobe just need to knoe what u tbink
You poor woman. sometimes u have to be selfish. U only get one life to live, so do what makes you happy. A man who is doing things for you would be willing to leave for u too if that is your best chance at happiness. Is being alone better for you than being with him? If you would prefer your own company to his then i think u have your answer. I hope u r not still struggling by now but i answer this for others googling themselves out of hopeless situations.
I’m glad you guys are together and happier. I thought I was in love, but it’s not enough, I’ve bend over backwards for several years, getting hitched for his benefits was just one of the many…I’m sad that I’m always working to support him and then he says I screwed his life and money is not everything…I think I’m going to leave tomorrow so he may begin his ‘wonderful’ life without me. I need all the help , so I will try to keep myself busy, reading what others are going through helps me a ton and keeps me on the goal of being happy again.
If you believe in GOD Sophiekarki then I encourage you to pray and seek his guidance. I can see you are hurting, but no matter which direction you go in with this you will have to start with forgiveness. Forgive yourself for what you feel may have been bad decisions you made. Forgive your partner for how he has mishandled things thus far. None of us are immune to mistakes and hurting others (whether we realize it or not). Everything will work out the way it needs to if you let go of the pain and operate on a positive level.
Thank you for this kind word
I tried waiting for change but it never happened. We were together for 18 years and married for 16 1/2 of those years. We have now been separated for the last 2 months and of course he wants us to be back together. I can’t do that! It’s hard but I know GOD is going to make me a stronger woman and get me thru this. HIS BLESSINGS ARE ALREADY POURING ON ME! I trust in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I just continue to pray for my husband in hopes that one day he will change for his next relationship and not treat the next woman the same.
That is unfortunate that you have had to go through that, but it is good that you now recognize it for what it may be. If GOD has told you to move on, then that is a decision I could never argue : ). all will be well
Hmmm, I don’t think God told her to move on, thankfully she’s come to the conclusion on her own. I don’t understand this misplaced idea that God’s making these decisions, why God all in caps as well?
Good luck anyway Storyofmylife.
Craig she made the decision, but for people who believe, they can seek out God’s guidance on what to do. As for the all caps, it is a habit I use to have, can’t honestly remember how it started, but it stemmed from emphasizing his importance.
Question. How does one know what God is advicing to do. Every time I push my ex away I say ” God is guiding me to do this” next thing I know my ex gets nearer and nearer ( even more pushy ). How can I differentiate that his coming back is God telling me
This guy is for you ? I have tried
Means to end this but
He not giving up!
This situation is all too familiar for i have lived such a disastrous struggle myself for two years….and I love God and ask advice daily for the answers to unfold
Hi, Craig. Once upon a time (but no more) I was what the works defined as “co-dependent” but in truth I love completely and unconditionally. I love everyone but if I’m taken by you as my make suitor, I pour a lot into you. Well fast forward to today after suffering heartache through multiple relationships I’m still standing BC of prayer, answered prayers and God keeping my heart… Sometimes… Many times we as humans are powerless and must learn on Him
hes picks a fight everyday puts me down gets mad if i look at anything for myself even if i dont buy it fights if i ask to do something without him puts me down talks about other woman he would like to sleep with hes cheated whats me to sleep with other men getsad if i refuse or calls me a slut whont complment me dont hold my hand kiss me tells me to get out but whont let me go makes me out to me heartless if i say im done is jualus but isnt at the same time he whats a couple to have with whats going on hes threatens to hit me etc 17 years ? help im lost ?
Sounds like you need to save money secretly and then run away asap
God is always in Caps. He is the Most High.
My husband left me and moved in with his lover,left his stuff calls everyday,texts everyday,im confused,he says he is unhappy with her,we have a small biz together.says he carries me in his heart and he will always be there for me.im so hurt,and she is ugly in and out.help me
Like the article said, as women we took care of everything and we allowed them to get away with so much stuff. This new woman he has, she probably doesn’t take care of him like he was used to and now he wants to come back. But don’t be fooled, when he comes back it is temporary and all the issues will still be there. Take care of yourself.
Simple, get out!, you are to convenient and him by doing these he is keeping you in the same spot, So you don’t fall in love with another man. Mind control, wake up.
GOD in caps signifies His divinity,purity and His structure.
I am at my wits’ ends. I have 2 men who love me to death. It was totally unexpected. The first one I know him for 5 years, but the other man I knew and know for a long time is 10 year friendship. They both want a relationship with me seriously. I tried to let the first one go (5 years of that one) but he refused to let me go. I feel right with the man I knew for 10 years friendship. He came back in touch with me after a few tragic accidents that I knew nothing about at that time. Now I dont know what to do because both of them wanted me. The first one, I did accept his promise ring, but I also did inform the 10 year friendship that I made a promise to the 5 year friendship, but that 10 year friendship warned me that I will make a mistake because he felt we were the right one for each other. I hope you can give me some advice because I am at a loss what to do and think about this. To be perfectly honest, I am extremely frustrated. I dont want to lose that 10 year friendship because I have more feelings for him than I do for that 5 year friendship. That man of 5 years says God tells him to go with me, but I dont feel a strong connection with him though. I wonder if God chosen him or what! Would God wanted me to have a loveless life choice with him than to be in love with 10 year friendship? I am tired of feeling guilty but I strongly believe in God. Geez, any advice would be nice, thank you!
You are annoying gayle..people have real problems here.. like abusers that wont let them leave. Man up and pick a boyfriend instead of being a two timing slut.
i was in your position for 3 years he would make me feel bad for leaving him so i would stay then he would tell me i wont meet a great guy …Trust me you can do it just pray and ask God for strength
I am adding you to my prayers, you sound exactly like how I hope my own daughter will speak when she wakes up and walks out. God is with you. Trust Him for only He is Faithful and True and He PROMISES what He keeps. He that keeps you will never leave or forsake you. He is with you always even to the very end -and He is the End of all our struggles for In Him is REAL love and life.
hoping you are well and made it through.
D. Elaine Fields
God bless you sweetheart. You deserve to be happy and to have a positive wonderful fulfilling life. God has a definite plan for you and your future. In my prayers… Many unexpected blessings to you
I’ve been there done that. I just recently got out of it. I never had peace during the relationship with him, so I prayed and fast. I asked God to reveal everything about him that were hidden from me and helped me to have the strong mind to make the right decision. When you pray that prayer, God will reveal everything along with telling you through people with authority around you such as pastors, parents, family, etc. In my case, I listened to one sermon on youtube. I wanted to listen to something else, the title of the sermon caught my eyes and mind so I tried to listen to it. While listening to it, I started to have the thought of what he’s been doing to me which is the exact answer I prayed for. The sermon was: “Discerning The Voice of GOD (Part 1 & 2) by Pastor John K. Jenkins” I pray that you seek God first to find your answer so you can make the right decision for yourself.
so what does it mean if he tells you he cant see you guys being together since you broke his trust but yet he cant beak the emotional attachment. me and my ex are in a transition stage from lovers to friends but we are still in love. he refuses to try to work the problems out but yet he still provides and is there for me whenever i need him. i’m tired of the emotional roller coaster but i am still willing to work it out because i do still love him. i know actions speak louder than words but he is so hard to read at times.
honestly, from what you have just said it sounds like he is just scared. His fear is holding him back because he doesn’t want to be hurt again, but his love doesn’t allow him to let go. If you are tired of the roller coaster, then get off the ride. He needs to work through some things, and you may need to as well. Choosing to be friends is a middle ground you both are settling for but it doesn’t address the real issue.
This is so true myself was was in that situation. You see love not suppose to hurt I gave more than I was suppose to even lost myself to please him. See my flesh want me their but my spirit didn’t. So I chose God and I haven’t looked back.. taking it day by day bcuz all I knew was him.. let go n lt god
I’m happy you were able to move on from that. Just remember that the problem wasn’t that you gave too much love, it was simply that you were trying to love someone that wasn’t the one for you.
I was with you until you said God…
lol well I understand we don’t all share the same beliefs so I can respect that.
Totally agree with everything here I was in controlling and abusive relationship everytime I tried to leave my ex would say he loved me but would never change also think I was a meal ticket hard to accept but true year on can see this, all girls out there if your man belittles you criticizes you shows cruelty this is not love but rather control
Thank you for sharing that. I am sure there is a woman who may have needed to see your story to realize she needs to find the strength to move on. Like you said, no man that loves you would treat his woman that way. It definitely is an issue of control and women need to recognize when this is indeed what they are dealing with.
This was a great article and very much illuminating. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Hi, Im in love with my bestfriend atm and its absolutely killing me, she knows and Ive told her to please respect that for me because ive been there through so much with her, i just said I needed time to get over her without jealousy. In the past 10 months (when i told her), she has had one boyfriend, danced with a guy very rudely..infront of me…and the last time we went out together just when we were getting to a stage that was good, went all out and kissed and danced with this guy all night. I came to a decision not long ago, that it was just best to cut her out for good because I was getting suicidal…
but she was crying on the phone saying that i can trust her again and that she made a mistake…am i only making this harder for myself knowing she could hurt me again???
In your case, i probably wouldn’t trust her. 10 months is a long time to play with someones emotions and if she cared she would have straightened up a long time ago. She’ll miss you when you’re gone because she’s going to realize she had something good; but this will be a learning experience for both of you!
To give you the best answer I could I would want to hear a little more from you. Such as why aren’t you two currently in a relationship? Based on what you shared i do think you need to step away for a little bit. I can’t say cut her off for good, but you just need some time to get yourself on the right track. I would never suggest people acting out of the fear of being hurt, If you are one that believes in GOD, then I do encourage praying about this situation. Either way I would like for you to contact me via email so we can discuss this further contact@StephanL.com
hi stephan i have sent you an email 🙂 please check and reply when you can xxxx
I totally agree with this and i also agree that they’re some women who are the same as these men you described above!!!!
Absolutely and I plan to address the women that do the same in a future post.
AMEN!!!!! Brother Labossiere! I hope yall women listening cause he’s tellin you something good. Alot of women do appreciate the advice tht you give cause there are many women that are waiting for the love of their life to “sweep them off their feet” whether they admit it or not EVERYBODYwants that fairytale so tell ’em like it is lol Don’t hold no hands and don’t sugar coat any words :-)~SMILE~
Thanks you Pooblyshus : )
hi stephan i have sent you an email from a different email account of mine 🙂 please check and reply when you can xxxx
I will definitely do that
So agree & I learned that the hard way. If he really loved me he wouldn’t have done the things he did. I was fooled at a time, but so glad I wisen up and left because I knew my value within self!
will you have a book written for ladies on what to expect and how to deal with getting your feet wet after being taking for so long cuz da dating and singe life is rough
will you have a book written for ladies on what to expect and how to deal with getting your feet wet after being taking for so long cuz da dating and single life is rough ?
I do have another book that I am currently working on. It will touch on that subject and many things that I feel single women need to know
So I need help. I broke with my ex boyfriend because he said he couldn’t be with me for no explanation. I find out a month later after we agreed to be friends that he had cheated on me during a rough patch in our relationship thinking I had done something with a guy even after we had talked about how nothing happened in a situation I had no control over. I confronted him and he admitted to it and that he was angry at me, drunk, ptessured into it, and that it was a comoetition with hinself knowing he was on the wrong path and he said he felt guilty which is why he couldn’t be with me because I had done nothing wrong and he needed to grow up, which is why he made me break up with him. He didn’t expect me to forgive him. We weren’t friends for 2months no communication at all blocked from (fb, twitter, cell, etc). During this time he was on depression pills for hurting me and having arguments with his parents about what he did having to stay at other people’s houses because of it. I got sick and passed out in a parking lot last week when he was there drives me home, he carries me in my house, cooks me food, gets me something to drink. Stays with me to make sure I’m okay and leaves. The next day he calls to make sure I’m okay. I say thanks and we just got to talking and he tells me how hurt he’s been for hurting me and not being mature. Saying that each day he’s trying to be better. He says he misses me and wants to try to make things work slowly, no strings attached just seeing where things go. I’m torn between him actually caring about me and not caring about me. I pray to god everyday. What do you think?
I apologize for the delayed response. I think it would be fair to say that he does care about you. The real question is should you two be working towards making things work or going your separate ways. That is the question you should ask GOD. If the answer is making things work, then you both have to take an open and honest approach from here on. You have to make sure you forgive him for his mistake, and he needs to forgive himself as well. Don’t play boyfriend/girlfriend while taking it slow with “no strings attached”. So no sexual relations and all that. Again though, see what answer you get from praying, but no need to ask if he cares about you. Personally I care about everybody, but that doesn’t mean I am supposed to be in a relationship with them.
Great blog love, ladies know your value.
thank you very much : )
I have been unofficially dating (without the title of his girlfriend) a guy for a year now. We started out as great friends and later developed feelings for one another. Apparently my feelings were deeper than his. Because I loved him, I was being intimate with him, always allowing him to consume my time, and being there for him when he wanted & needed me to be there. I always brought up the relationship topic but he said he wasn’t ready; yet I still continued to sleep with him without a commitment. Now in present day I have cut off the sex for 4 months now but it hasnt phased him. Every time I say I’m done he comes at me harder. I thought that if he didn’t want me then he would just leave me alone. Now I’m stuck because I love someone who isn’t deserving of my time.
He “wants” you, but he is not prepared to “be with you”. Don’t get the two confused. I’m glad you took the step to eliminate the sex, but now is the time to take that next step and focus on becoming the woman you need to be. Allowing yourself to be consumed with this situation and this man’s inconsistent or confusing behavior is simply keeping you from moving forward. He may very well be the man for you, but he obviously isn’t that man right now. So you need to make sure you are progressing and fulfilling your call in life. He needs to figure out what he needs to do, but that is on his time, not yours. Let GOD guide you from here and trust you will put yourself in a much better place.
in a tricky situation also, my partner and I have been together near on 7 years
and in that time we have started to grow apart.
that time I bought my mothers house in which we live in. I pay the mortgage as it’s my family home,
but I have always insisted to him that the investment is both of ours while we
are together. I have advised that I want
marriage and children, all of which has been met with contempt in the past,
until I put my foot down and said that these are things I want and deserve and
if he can not commit to these things it
is a deal breaker. I really want to be a
mother; however I want to be married. It
is important to me to stand in the eyes of God and make my vows. I know this might see controversial since I
live in sin, I know it is an old fashioned view, but I at least wish to get it
I have told him it’s a deal breaker he has said he will give me these things,
but now I feel I have backed him in a corner and that the only reason he is
with me is for selfish reasons. I do
everything for him as he seems not to be able to handle any responsibility.
done everything for him in the time we have been together, financial and
emotional. I’ve paid for everything and
looked after him like his Nanna has, and believe me I know I have made a rod
for my own back. Every thing was okay because there was more laughter than
tears until about six months ago. He started having trouble at work and lost
his job. He went self employed being an
electrician for a man who was not paying him on time, sometimes he would go
eight to ten weeks without getting a penny.
This is when he started getting abusive, verbally not physically but it
hurts quite bad. He started snapping at
the littlest thing, blowing up and calling me names. I know I do not deserve it ; I’ve got enough sense
to know that, even if not enough sense to make a clean break .
pride was hurt because he no longer had disposable income. I tried to bring him out of his depression by
pointing out that I support us fine, and that this is just a temporary setback. To help him out I gave him my car to help him
travel to jobs until he could get a small van, paid for all his food and gave
money to his nanna (what he normally gave to help her our) but nothing would console
him. He kept focusing on the negative
financial implications when he should have been focusing on the fact that he
has loving support from me. Not to mention the fact he has no financial
commitments such as a mortgage or debts like I do. What annoyed me more than anything is that he
was missing the point of life. Money is
not everything, its necessary but not the be all and end all of life.
these six months, I’ve started to step back from the relationship and I’m
finally seeing what’s wrong with the whole picture. He has never committed to me financially, he
has lived at mine, eaten my food etc all of which I gave freely because I love
him, but has it been appreciated? When
he worked he would pay for going out for meals and drinks, anything sociable,
but he always controlled the money. When
ever I asked for money to get myself through the month I would have to pay
every penny back.
is my dilemma, I’ve tried to leave, asked for space and then been
suffocated. He is saying he is working
on everything and that he truly will give me the marriage and the children, but
if he can not commit to be financially, is he really going to help me bring up
a child? My head is going around in
circles as I feel like I’m trying to abandon him in his time of need, also because
I allowed and enabled this behavior so I am partly maybe even wholly to blame
and should take responsibility and give him a second chance. Or am I just kidding myself?
You have carried him financially for 7yrs, therefore you should not let the idea of “abandoning him” stop you from doing what is best. Yes you contributed to enabling this behavior, but you can not allow your previous mistake to hinder you from currently doing what is best. You simply need to ask yourself, “is this truly the man for me”. I know how difficult it can be to walk away from a relationship you invested so much in to. I understand the fears that come with letting go, and not wanting to start all over and move on. With that said, if you can’t genuinely say that you are sure this is the “right man” for you, then choosing to continue with him will only create more years that you will wish you had back. If you are honest with yourself and look deep down inside, then I am confident you know the answer to the question. Human nature causes us to second guess what we already know, but you can’t and shouldn’t run from what is your reality. You know what you need to do, and I pray and praise GOD because I know you will find it within yourself to move in the direction that is best for you. It is tough, but trust that everything is going to be great once you follow your spirit.
Thank you Stephan. I
really liked this article, and hope it gives other women (and men) who are in a
similar situations the strength to know when to walk away, and knowing that
they are not alone helps I’m sure. I now
know I need to do this for me, and that I do not deserve to be shouted at and
made to feel worthless. This morning I received
a very large bunch of flowers with a card with the message ‘sorry’. But I’m strong enough to know that this is
him being scared about loosing me for the wrong reasons. I’m strong enough not to be taken in by this token,
although I have said thank you for them since it is only polite. I have advised him it changes nothing as not
let his hopes rise, a £35 bunch of flowers is not going to repair the damage that has been caused over the last several years. He’s not a bad man;
I think we are just not suited to each other.
Maybe he needs someone who will stand up to him and set the bar higher
than I did. All I know is that I need
time on my own, and hope to one day find someone who will contribute equally to
a future with me. When I say contribute
equally, I do not mean just financially, as sometimes I will earn more or less
than my partner, but emotionally. The
main issue was not just the money spent but the emotional gap between us. How could he love me and treat me like
that? The answer is he did not, because without
respect there is no love. Thank you
again Stephan 🙂 carry on the good work x
I am so glad to see you are headed in the right direction. I knew you could do it, and you will get to receive so many blessings for taking that next step. Thank you very much, and I’m glad this article was able to provide some help to you : ). As you stated, I hope it will help others as well.
Allowed myself to be there…then finally said I had enough and walked away. I had to realize if that love was hurting me it was infecting the others around me. I had to forgive the “situation” #noregrets
I’m going through this situation right now. I’ve know home for 8yrs and we broke up for 2 of those years because it became violent with third parties being involved. I decided to take him back because he said that he had “changed” and I believed him. I ended up pregnant with my 3rd child our 1st and he treated me bad my entire pregnancy and post pregnancy as well. I left him again about 4 months ago and he had been begging me back ever since, but I refuse and he gets mad and degrades me, talks about how no man will want me because I have 3 kids, I’m boring and have no life cuz of my kids. He talks about my body and pretty much everything hurtful he can say. I’ve come to the realization that he is the guy that this post is talking about, I’m just a pawn that has played his game for years, I don’t think he wants me to achieve anything beyond him… But I appreciate this post and reading others because now I am more motivated to move on because I feel like no one understands what I’m going through and how I feel. I feel like I’m the only one going through this situation. I wish the best for everyone. Be blessed God loves us all as one.
When a man can continuously verbally abuse you like that, then you can rest assured that this is not love. I’m glad the article could provide you strength and motivation. You deserve great things and you already know what you need to do. Trust me when i say there are many others in your position so you are not alone. They understand, and I understand, and I want to see you receive the best. Take the necessary steps, and let faith not fear guide you through the process : ).
I had a hard time with this bc I didn’t think anyone else would want me bc I suffer from MS. I’ve recently figured out that doesn’t matter. Loved this article! Thank you!!!
I’m glad to hear that you have conquered that fear, and now you can receive the blessings that are waiting for you : ).
i feel like this is a comment once again directed towards the male especially black male, and this just doesnt happen always to women but also to men. But i feel like so what if a man needs a lil financial help from hes wife , girlfriend or whatever type of relationship it is. Im just saying this topic can always go both ways male or female so dont get it twisted like women dont dog men out for money at the end of the day.
You are 100% correct Jeff. There are women who do the same exact thing, and I can add some additional reasons (not good ones) why they do it as well. I definitely plan to write an article about that and I will link it with this one. Now nothing is wrong if a man hits a rough patch and needs some financial help from his woman. The problem is when that man is only holding on to that woman to receive help or benefits. If a man does not truly love that woman, and knows he isn’t serious about her, then he needs to let her go. To do otherwise is selfish and it just is not fair to the woman you are with.
I think I’m in this situation now. Me and him have been dating since February. We moved fairly fast because he’s easy to talk to and very outgoing. I just felt really comfortable with him. He looked out for me in my time of need, and I did the same for him. I was even doing his homework (smh), because he was “too busy.” Long story short, I’m staying with my mom’s for the summer, which is 2 1/2 hours away from him. I left in May. He still hasn’t seen me “due to his car not being able to be driven that far because he needs a radiator.” I snooped into his accounts and found out he’s been talking to other women. He’s like on 50 dating sites. And he stopped calling me as often. But he never takes the blame. I’m always the problem to him. He says I’m too needy, nosy, and I want to rush things. He said I want him to be madly in love with me but that takes time. Well, shoot, it’s been over 4 months, how much time do you need? lol…I don’t expect him to be head over heels yet, but talking to other women is disrespectful to me. Like, he couldn’t wait for me to leave town for him to be on the prowl. I’ll take some of the blame. I let us move too quickly. He told me from the jump that he had a sex addiction, but he prayed for God to send him someone that will help him get on the right path. I felt like I should have ran then, but I had so much compassion for him. He told me he’s still in love with his ex, who he hasn’t seen in 3 years, because he never got “closure.” So how can I expect him to give his heart to me? After I confronted him about everything and he finally calmed down enough to talk and not yell, I told him we should just be friends. He didn’t like the idea. He didn’t want to let me go. I stopped calling him and texting him, so he calls like once a week. I know he has a lot going on, and I deserve better. But when I think of all the memories and stuff, I get sad and I miss him. But then when I think of how I feel disrespected and of no value to him, I realize I can do better. This was a really good article. I really see how he’s trying to hold on to me, because I cooked for him, did his homework, showered him with affection (no sex though…I’m still a virgin…been holding out…so glad I didn’t give him that, though it came close a few times), gave him gas money when he needed it, and because I’m a darn good woman–and he knows it. He’s just not ready for me. Oh, and he’s been helping me a lot financially, so he threw that in my face the last time we talked. He said, “Your phone bill is almost due. Who’s going to pay it?” As if I’m depended on him and need him. He’s uses tactics like that to get me to stay. As much as I love and care for him and wish him the best and pray for him every day, I can’t allow myself to be treated like this any longer. I’m not perfect, but I am worth much more than that!
Just pray that I don’t get weak and take him back….even though, I secretly still want it to work out.
I’m not going to tell you not to take him back, but I will say that you do not need to entertain the idea unless a lot of change has occurred. If he gets himself together then I understand your desire to want to try (not that I am saying you should, just that I understand). If he is still operating with all these issues and concerns, then you would only be setting yourself up for failure by taking him back. Technically, you never really had him to take him back (just have to be honest with you). You two were never official, and it seems that you were just sharing him with others (if not physically, definitely emotionally). So you know what you deserve. We asked GOD to send him the right woman, well maybe you should consider asking GOD if he is even the right man for you.
Sometimes women kill me acting as if they do not know when they are hurting or if a man is betraying them. Oh, they definitely know. One of the best attributes that a woman has is instinct, but she refuses to use commonsense. Some women do not listen or pay attention to any signs when a man is cheating. They go into denial mode and put on the rose-colored glasses and almost go legally blind to avoid accepting the fact that a man is being disrespectful. I used to be one of those women, long ago. No amount of praying to God helped until I was ready to stop being a fool, accepting nonsense and started loving myself completely. That self-love comes from within. When a man truly loves a woman, he shows love, not mistreats her. He gives a woman the utmost respect. Just because he gives you amazing sex does not mean it is love. I am glad that I learned the difference. If a woman keeps on waiting for a man to change, she will change into bitterness and lose valuable time, get fat, skinny, wrinkles and have regrets. Focus on your life. Be strong. Let him go. You do know that there are more men out there. LOL. One man will treat you right.
You are right Poeticsong320. Many women will pray to GOD for that man to change, but they are praying for the wrong thing. They are not in the right place physically or emotionally, and they should pray for the strength to become the woman they need to be. Like you said it starts from within, and the more that start to realize this, the more that can start to move in a better direction. When you take the time to become the “right woman” you will see how easily you will be found by the “right man”.
In the hood, they call it “in house pu**y” Some women have a psychological need to feel wanted and to provide for a grown man. However, until she breaks the mental chains of this psychosis, he will always keep her as the spare tire.
I have been divorced almost 2 years and have moved on with life. I was very unhappily married. Moved, a new job, and a wonderful man. My ex tries to make me feel quilty for being happy because he isnt. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. I cannot help the fact that he hasnt found someone else or that he doesnt make changes in his life to make him happy. I am not selfish but it just really cannot be my problem. I wish everyone could be as happy as I am. But I did it myself for me and for my own happiness. Yes I had good friends along the way to offer advice. But in the end it was still me that pulled it together. I dont want his childishness to interfere with my relationship with my boyfriend. How do I ignore it and not let it get to me?
You do that by realizing that he continues to refuse to take responsibility for his life and his actions. It is a shame but it is not your burden to bear. Forgive him for how he has handled things, and always remain a positive source when you must communicate. Other than that, it is not your fault and you cannot allow that to hinder you any further. Your current relationship and family deserve you at your best, and letting this feeling of guilt linger can prevent that from happening at times. When we get to a better place there will always be something or someone to try and drag us down. Don’t feel bad, just smile and laugh it off because it is your confirmation that you have indeed moved in a better direction.
I am in this situation. I am so stupid allowing him to stop me whenever I am going. You are correct I am so beneficial to him and he will not afford to lose me.
You are not stupid, this happens to a lot of people. It isn’t easy letting go sometimes but now you know better. I know you will do what you need to do. What is done is done, time to move in a better direction.
wow..soooo true, i knw im dun wit being a convience cuz this nigga NEVA loved me. #true shit
My life in a nutshell… I believe that my husband is a HCP/BPD. Therefore, the last 15 years of my life have been walking on eggshells. Always wrong, always to blame, the brunt of every classless joke you can thing of, including the threat to trade me in for two 18 yr olds when I turned 36. I needed permission to go anywhere. I was THE caregiver of our 3 children and held a full-time job. Needless to say, my self-esteem was rock bottom and when some health issues arose a male friend became my support system. I take full responsibility for making that BAD BAD choice. Then my husband found out. Things went from bad to worse. I endured 4 months of isolation, physical, emotional and psychological abuse… hundreds of hours (no exaggeration sadly) of interrogations. I endured it because I felt like it was my punishment for having the affair. But after the worst physical confrontation, he said that he thought we both needed it and asked if I felt better too… I had enough. I got an order of protection. Then I did something stupid… I let him back in. He was very convincing of wanting to fix what he had broken. A year after the order, I am back on eggshells… fixing what I broke in him by having an affair. He even has gone as far as to say that he is disappointed that I haven’t apologized to him for getting the order of protection and that he never beat me up, just roughed me up a bit and scared me. The rational part of my brain says leave, hell run and don’t look back but then the guilt hits… Thoughts?
When guilt is the reason you are in a relationship, then the reality is that you don’t have a relationship. Nothing about this sounds healthy, and the fact that “love” was not mentioned even once in your comment says a lot. You already know what you need to do. I will tell you this, forgive yourself and forgive him. Yes you made a mistake, but as long as that is being held over your head by him or by you, well then it will be very difficult to continuously make progress in this situation. Again, you already know what you need to do. Just make sure to have an open, honest, and calm conversation with him about how you truly feel. If the answer is not clear right now, it will become much clearer after that much needed conversation.
I am in the same boat. I have been trying to get a divorce for over 3 years. We have 2 kids together and combined with cultural stigma towards divorce in our community its been extremely difficult. I have begged and begged him to let me go. I just wanted an “amicable divorce” whatever that means. And he used that to the end. asking for more time, more chances. He is extremely manipulative and to his benefit I’m too naif and easy going. Recently I found out I got pregnant from this man (please no judgement, I am already drowning in hormones, guilt and embarrassment over ‘how could I let this happen’ ). I could not go through with abortion. Now I told him if you want to stay married and move back in (we have been separated recently) that is fine but it will be just to raise the kids and nothing more. he turns to me and says “no” He says “if you want to end it that is fine with me ( are you kidding me I’ve been wanting to end it for years and it was never fine with you) , he continues “if you want me to come home you need to make this marriage work” which means I need continue caring for the kids and catering his needs with a smile on my face even if it means I am dead inside. And this man after all the turmoil he caused, after all the pain, now got me exactly where he wanted, in the corner, my arm twisted tight in his hands.
The thing is after agonizing for a month since I found out about the pregnancy I feel like I rather go through the pregnancy alone and raise 3 kids on my own than having him move back in continue this miserable “marriage”. I mean I cannot connect with this man at so many levels physical, emotional, spiritual, ideological, just general life views are different. If there is a magic solution out there to make this work I swear I would try it. Who would want to break up their family and be a single mom taking on all the burden but I don’t see any solutions. I just can’t get him to understand or maybe he understands but it is not convenient for him…
Wow, this sounds too familiar! This is what happened just last week between my husband and I. Together for 5 yrs, married for 3, I was upfront about what I won’t tolerate, no babygirl, I won’t do that. I spoke up continually and should have paid attention to the signs but my co-dependence caused me to be blind. Earlier this year, I decided through prayer and going to meetings, time to take responsibility for my role in failed relationships, set boundaries, and realized that my feelings DO matter! After saying he didn’t need counseling after my suggestion we get couple’s counseling, I was done. He began going to men’s meetings at church, but I still wanted no part of this “change.” I was leaving, ready to move out, had deposit on an apartment, then we reconciled. We went to counseling at church and worked on our relationship, or so I thought. After counseling was over, he stopped the men’s meetings, and behaviors that were unacceptable came out again. Complacency! Enough was enough and I moved out last week. NOW he’s had an epiphany that he “wants” to change since I followed through and left. NOW he says he understands what he did/why I was at my breaking point. We are separated and I am thinking I am being played. I am saddened that he “just now gets it”, angry that he didn’t listen to me for 5 years, and guarded and leary when it comes to believing him, that he wants to work on being a better person. Reason I am leary is due to his saying, “You opened my eyes…before you left, I didn’t care what anyone thought, if they don’t like it, tough, leave, bye. But because you left, I want to change.” I told him to back up, and asked if he wasn’t tired of all the crap he continued to do/think for most of his life, and the results never being different, wasn’t he tired in his own skin??! And being told my leaving makes him want to change is the wrong reason in my book (he has said he needs to change and will hopefully get me back). I know God has plans for me and doesn’t want me to be the perpetual doormat I’ve been since my family of origin!
Is this still open for comments? I have a situation I need advice on. Seriously.
Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you for sharing such an important message in your Blog. I agree 100% with what you’ve said. Love isn’t enough…..respect, trust, dignity….a few words that if absent from a relationship….it won’t work.
The info provided is from a person who knows little of love and what successful relationships are like. I’m sorry for all the men and women who fail to see that they are truly products of their early childhoods. It is easy to quit instead of the pain and suffering one must endure to really understand who they are. Marriage means little to our society. Is it that hard to imagine why? Picture yourself swearing an oath to your spouse in front of God, family and friends that reads, “I promise all these things provided they never do the following…” It sounds silly right. Who would want to be honest in a time where false image/lifestyle and debt are personified in our leaders, sports figures and generally anyone famous we foolishly believe to be qualified as role models. I know the heartache of loving unconditionally. I know the decent into agony when the rug is pulled from underneath you revealing a black hole of emotional decay. What purpose does it serve to criticize each other and battle over who is right or wrong? Oh that’s right it makes us feel better in the moment. I forgot that forever is just a moment not a lifetime of events or moments. I’d challenge anyone to reflect back on a moment when they were passionate and inspired by something then somebody very close to you criticizes and eventually proves you wrong. Now, how did you feel? I’m probably asking too much since our perspective changes as we change over time but i think you get my point.
My name is Brian, i believe in true love. I am an American, a father, a Marine, and i am a soft hearted man. At my worst I, make impulsive selfish choices, emotionally withdraw, enjoy the rage I feed until it consumes me, i lie, i am indecisive, i am evil. At my best I am, compassionate, romantic, intuitive, insightful, willing to help others, a best friend when needed, i am happy. My wife left me after losing my job and told me i wasnt worth loving and her only physical need from me was money. When you are physically attractive, so I’m a Lil vein is not like I’m saying you’re ugly, and emotionally available to your high school sweet heart & spouse of 7+ years and they no longer want you it can turn your world upside down. Obviously this woman is crazy and her irrational behavior only supported this belief. Then i realized i was loosing my house couldn’t keep much less find a job and she wants me to pay alimony and only allow me one day a week with two weekends a month with my babies. I wished evil me were here to suffer for his work in creating some of this crap i was drowning in. I had to fix something, but what…the only thing we can. I am now working on myself after finding myself. I just wanted to put this out for those who think they can’t change their world. You can do what ever you imagine yourself doing. That includes the thoughts and behaviors of those close to you. Obviously there is no magic trick here but I’ll let you read the info from the website for yourself. I wrote this for myself 1yr ago and every Brian out there today who desperately wants their soul mate back because it feels like your soul will shatter if you don’t. Look up environment changer and you may find the answers but you may not be ready for them or the work.
I dated this guy for 7 years. On and off.
I call him how husband. Yes, we’ve been married for only 3 month and we’re having a huge crisis.
We’ve been fighting about many issues but mostly because i don’t feel he supports me. And his parents always come first.
Fights started to get phisical, like pushing, cursing, but never been hitted yet.
We’ve always had this kind of relationship, where he would messed it up and then come back apologizing and saying he loved me so much he couldn’t and wouldn’t let me go.
Now i don’t know if it’s time for me to get it over or to try to make it work again.
Well based on your comment it seems that the issues were never properly addressed. As you stated one of you would mess up, come back saying I’m sorry and I love you etc etc, and then you are back together again. So what may be missing is an effective approach to addressing all the issues that exist between you two. Also as diffcult as it may be at times I want to encourage you not to feed in to the negativity. No cursing, pushing, or any form of verbal attack you can think of. If you want a shot at getting some positive results you will have to rise above this and take a positive approach. The physical part of this concerns me so I do suggest talking to the right people about this potential issue. The main thing here is address the issues at hand and take a positive approach.
I dnt know if I’m in this situation or not, see my man he doesn’t cheat on me or treat me badly… however, he was fired from a good job that he had a few months ago and since has not seemingly been trying very hard to find a job… I really need the help and he knows that, I see him handing in applications every now and then but nothing has really come up. He still has another job but it is very low pay and does not help me at all… I’m not sure if maybe he found that I will take care of him or if he’s actually just stuck between jobs… maybe time will tell but i’d still like an opinion…
Honestly it sounds as if he is just going through a rough time. You say he isn’t trying hard but you do see him turning in applications. I feel you should talk with him about this. In that conversation be loving and take a positive approach. Recognize the efforts he has made but come together with him to come up with a more efficient plan to look for a better job. Proper communication will help make things a lot clearer for you.
I appreciate this article more than you know, I am that woman. This is a hard situation to be in because my spiritual man says “stay, pray & let God” but me, the flesh wants to end the pain! Every time I try, I can’t do it. I love him I’m torn because I feel his heart (probably my own) in everything. What I don’t get is why he does this, all he has to do is say he wants a divorce & stop trying to save us. It’s selfish! I don’t take care of him or allow him to get away with stuff. That’s why we’re separated. He doesn’t abuse me but he lies & cheats!
In order to “let GOD” you must first find out what exactly GOD wants you to do. Seek his guidance on whether you stay or go. Seek his guidance on how you proceed after you get that answer from HIM. This is not for you to determine based on your logic or what anyone else has to say. This is between you and GOD and when you trust and implement his direction you will find yourself on the path that is best for you.
I have said it over and over to women that I know and I tell my daughters in advance – don’t give him extra credit just for wanting to be with you. That’s a mess and it sounds ridiculous when presented at face value but it’s what many women do. Half that man’s appeal is his willingness to be with you. Now if you have nothing to offer then maybe that makes sense, but if you’re taking care of yourself physcially, paying the bills, taking care of him emotionally, mentally, physically, being a lover, friend, sister, wife, mother – balancing it all then WHY ON EARTH WOULDN’T HE WANT TO BE WITH WITH YOU? DUH! Raise the bar ladies.
D. Elaine Fields
This was good until you put GOD into this. Learn to be a strong willed person through personal devolpment instead of leaning on a false security blanket.
I understand you not being into the “GOD” part and typically I don’t place it directly in the articles. I am a strong believer but I want to be able to help anyone no matter what their personal belief is. I feel we should always be able to respect each others beliefs and still b able to have healthy and positive discussions about real issues.
I need help. I am dating a man that has asked for and received from me thousands of dollars for camera equipment to start a new career (which he is doing very well at), helped with rent, pay for many of the meals, purchased clothes, etc. When he had some “extra” money he purchased two expensive cameras instead of offering to pay me back. He says he pays me back in other ways by taking me to art openings, dinner, drawing and painting pictures for me, etc. We do not have a sexual relationship because he has “intimacy issues” that stem from childhood. We have been together 31/2 years and we have had sex maybe 6 times and then it was without any feeling from his part, just wham bam thank ya maam. I have caught him in several lies about talking to his ex-wife (she lives several states away and he never sees her) but he is very secretive about his phone messages and won’t take a call when I am around. I have tried to break it off several times and every time he begs and pleads to give him another chance as he is working through his baggage and is once and for all resolving it. (we are both 46 and have been married twice) He says he loves me like crazy and that he wants a normal, healthy relationship built on trust and he knows he messed up and has alot of repair to do. I am left feeling used, ugly, no self esteem, lack of trust and depressed all the time. Every time I tell him it’s over, he tells me “why would I fight so hard for you, if I didn’t love you?” Help. :-(( How do I get out of this mess? I do love him very much but love is not enough in my opinion.
To be honest I feel you do care for him but I think if you looked deeper within yourself you would come to the conclusion that you are not “in love” with him. You seem to have an unhealthy attachment to him and this has impacted you in such a negative way “feeling used, ugly, no self esteem, lack of trust and depressed all the time” that it has made it even harder to walk away. Of course this man doesn’t want you to go because you are too convenient and beneficial to him. He has no reason to let you walk away so don’t expect him to make this easy for you. You just have to take a stand and stick to it. The simple fact is that you are not happy and have not been happy for a very long time. You deserve so much better and this situation is not good for you at all. You have to do what is best for you and just let go. There is no easy way around this. Focus on yourself and getting the healing you need. Also if he wants to claim that he truly loves you well words are not enough. You know what you need and he isn’t willing give it to you right now. Again love yourself enough to do what you need to do.
I really love this messages today, it spoke to me.
I was in this situation with my now ex, when I kicked him out for cheating on me with his ex, he went back to live with his mother. The ex lives in the same town he lives in. He begged me to forgive him, and start all over, and I did, but I did not move him back in my home, something just wouldn’t let me do it!! Well, Monday night, he text me to come see him, and I wasn’t gonna go, but I did. I drove an 1 hr and 30 min. I get there, he hugs me, he kisses me, I take a shower, and go to bed. So at about 11:30 pm, I awake to a heavy knocking, on the door of the house, as though someone was in trouble. He jumps out of bed, and goes to the door, I roll back over, and go to sleep, then I hear scuffling in the kitchen, when I walked to the front of the house it’s his ex!!! They are fighting right in the kitchen, and I am standing there, like “is this ish really happening”? she yells at me I wanna talk to you!! He finally gets her out of the house, and into the rain, picks up a knife, and she gets in the car, and all I could do was stand there!!! This woman, stayed outside that house in the rain, until 2 am, then drives off. I got the number from him, and called her. We met, and talked. I told her that it was over, between he and I and that I hope everything works out, because, I wasn’t taking care of no man!!! All she could say was that he said he wasn’t gonna ever leave her alone!!! She enabled him, that is why he was in no rush to come back, because she was doing everything. I explained to her that her self worth was more important!! She did not get it! He has absolutely nothing to give either of us, but when he was with me, he had gone back to school, and I was in his ish everyday, for self betterment. With her, it was I will give him everything, so that he will stay with me. As they say the first time shame on you, the second time shame on me! I allowed that second time because I wanted to forgive, and trust again, only to be back at square one!!! Alone. I prayed, and asked GOD, to get him out of my mind, and heart, so I know this is going to be a process, but I know my choice to let go completely of him was the right thing to do!!! A man is a luxury, not a necessity!!
I’m in this situation as I write this. At the moment I am fully aware that he couldn’t possibly love me after all the awful things he does to me. It’s not the first time I’ve reached this awareness. When he comes back into my life somehow I end up believing he’s sincere, terribly sincere. I can’t go through this again. I pray a lot. I’ve always prayed. As of tomorrow I may find out I can move out of town. It’s my opportunity to escape from him and start a new life. God’s been listening. This man does not love me. How can you slap someone around and declare your love for them in that instant?
That can happen when a person is actually trying to keep control over you. You knw what you need to do. So embrace moving in a positive direction so that you can get what you truly deserve.
I’m going through a similar situation NOW. I once loved this man, but as time passed, the bad decisions that he made, the disrespect and complete disregard for my thoughts, feelings, and my belongings got out of control. He would ask the borrow the car (because he never had one), and stay gone over night, causing me to have to find alternate means of transportation to work in the morning…wouldn’t have the decency to call or pick up the phone during these times… He’d sometimes have the house as dirty as a public bus station… He was a self-employed barber, but whenever he had money, he’d disappear, and wouldn’t return until he was completely broke. He began pawning my things until eventually he pawned my tablet and three flat screen televisions. I was livid to the point of calling the police and reporting these items stolen. He promised that he’d get them back… Never did. I got fed up and told him that it was over and he needed to leave. At that point he got physically abusive. He basically imprisoned me, snatching my car keys, and chasing me around the house so that I could not leave, and strong-armed my cell phone from me so that I couldn’t make any calls. I managed to mace him, and run to a neighbor’s to call the cops in order for him to leave. He left before the police arrived…but in the middle of the night, lo & behold he returned. I feel like I don’t know who he is any more… He does not want to leave, and I know that (as stated in the article), it’s just been too easy and convenient for him… I know the only way to be rid of him is to send him to jail… I filled out a police report, and got a temporary restraining order… Wish me luck – – I’ve never dealt with anyone like this in my life… Is there a certain type mental disorder associated with this sort of behavior? Surely, a mentally stable person would not plow over boundaries the way that he has… Thanks for the article, and for allowing me to share my story… I wish all the ladies here the best…and I’m sorry you all dealing with this type of turmoil.
I can relate to this article. I am in a somewhat relationship and I am at my breaking point, but its with a woman instead. I have talk to her and asked her for my space. Some days we are good and other times we are not. I am already stress with school and she adds to my stress levels sadly.
I am currently in this situation with my husband. I asked him to leave over a month ago and he is still around. I just told him today that he needs to be gone at the end of the month. in the past he has been abusive on three occasions and most recently in March he quit his job. he says he has his reasons for quitting but i just dont want to hear them. so now that I am at my wits end and going to file for divorce he wants to beg and tell me how things will be different. initially, i was fearful of leaving but i am way past that. I am at the acceptance stage and he still wants to hang on. He also holds over my head that I said divorce isn’t an option when we got married but that was before the abuse and abandonment from him leaving his job. So I know this move is right for me and I just need him to leave. I see a lawyer Monday. How do you keep your sanity throughout all of this. Life has to go on!
I have this guy that wanted to see other women. (Dating for a few months). I told him go ahead and go explore, I’ll go do the same. Now he’s freaking out telling me he’s not sure if he wants to do that anymore and he doesn’t want to lose me. I have not given him anything sexually and I don’t do anything for him really. I wait for a serious relationship for that stuff. I do give him companionship since we hangout but I don’t know if him not wanting to lose me is selfish or if he really cares.
You are his back-up plan. Stand by Chick…in the wings until he finds the next one he really wants to be explore. Don’t let him make you his ‘stepping stone’.
Wow,, this guy is bang on!
@relationshipExpert I am paying attention to this… amazing advice and very true, thank you… I have been battling on whether to leave a really bad relationship and constantly feel stuck because he said "he refuses to let me leave", and that "we are still togeather" when I don't want it, he says this sobbing, holds me down and claims he will hurt himself and gets very angry when hes the one who cheated, lies all the time and manipulates me sometimes… its easy to confuse that with love when they would do anything to keep you.. its heart breaking really to see him so upset when I say I will leave but my heart is breaking being here and I'm losing myself.. He says I'm the only one who gives him selfesteem.. glad you confirmed what I know deep down, this is NOT love. It gets confusing sometimes when you want to believe the best in people and help them.
Very true, thank you!
I can’t seem to get my trust back in my husband because he lies about stupid stuff now. There was a woman who claimed she was his gal and I was desperate and pathetic because I told him to dump her as a friend or leave me. She made comments that were not something a friend would make. And to make matters worse, he has done things that he knew would anger me and told me if I trusted him I wouldn’t be so angry about it. I had her blocked on our phone and he unblocked her proving I guess hes the man of the house and I need to get over it.
Your post describes my marriageto a tee. After 22 years, I’ve felt little signs of infidelity, not necessarily physical but its there. Also, years of emotional and psychological abuse, broken homes, dishes, you name it. I’m filing for divorce now and he’s terrified of losing his cook, housekeeper, child minder, but he can certainly do away with his wife or friend. I want someone who truly sees me for me and not what I served them for supper and put clean clothes in his dresser.
A must read!!!
Amen. Drew my attention automatically..
I am going through this situation right now and the amount of mixed emotions I have is unbelievable. Sometimes I think I’m doing the right thing but then I tell myself “then why doesn’t he want to let me go” this article just explains everything and I need to hear it sometimes to remind myself since I get lost in the confusion and illusion that he does truly love me. I am. Convenient for him, he had a hard life and I help him financially and emotionally while he was sucking all my energy out. This is the 4th time that I left but this time I’m staying strong with the support from my friends and family. It is so hard so hard when u don’t know what is true or not and to just believe it even if you are a strong person you still get confused. Thank you for this.
how true Thanks!!!!
Like you said, as a woman, you know deep inside. Good blog Stephan!
"…the real issue to consider is why do you continue to allow him to stay." Because I wanted to be the one he changed for and I had invested so much of myself in him.
Is he a scorpio? He has serious issues that he needs to deal with. I have been in your shoes and felt so drained. If he will hurt himself he will KILL you. I hope your a believer in God because your ship is sinking and your wasting your time. He wont change unless he wants to. Leave him and see what happens
Amber Banay Why you said Scorpio? I'm curious.
Angela Morton-Isaac I have dated 2 scorpio men seriously and they were the best and worst in my life. Some of the things Kristin said reminded me of what the last man put me thru. Both guys I dater were romantic, passionate,and giving. Day and night as far as their backgrounds but manipulative serial cheaters, and liars. They both played so many mind games with me that no men have ever tried. Other people I know that have dated scorpio men said the same. I don't usually believe in astrology but when I looked up the sign scorpio it described their exact personalities….
Best of luck to both of us Kristin we deserve real love
Wow……totally speaks to my situation! I’ve been separated from my spouse for over a year in the same house!!! No advances from him AT ALL…hard to believe by most but the man has never tried to sleep with me. What do yall think about that??? We are now divorced and he is to leave this week. I’m definitely convenient and the benefits of me in his life far outweighs his contribution. You re so right a woman knows in her heart!
What if the roles were reversed, and she won't let me go?
So very true.know a lot of women who are like this
"Don’t keep telling yourself and others that “he won’t let me go”, because the real issue to consider is why do you continue to allow him to stay."
This is so true ,they are confusing you so ,but one thing is for sure they will never change ,as soon as you give him another chance ,he strike again .They are too selfish to think of your feelings ,they are the only ones with feelings 🙁
the reasoning is the same man or woman…you're giving her what she wants without you getting what you need
FOR SHARON AND HER WOMEN!!
You are Absolutely correct in every single word you just spoken so eloquently! And I have move on with my life. And I'm not rushing into anything! I'm letting God do His work in my Life. I will not allow anyone else break my heart. When all I did was gave them my love, unconditionally!
This is an excellent article!
I love this book
I JUS LOVE HOW MR.STEPHAN GIVES IT ST8 NO CHASERS…..FUNNY THINGS IS WE WOMEN HATE THE TRUTH….MY BLESSING JUS CAME WHEN I LIKED HIS PAGE…GOD SURE DOES WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS……I THANK YOU ON BEHALF HONEST REAL WOMEN…..
This article is right on the money so true something to think about
Very imformative! Love it!
Great! Time to wake up girls!
Hey im tired be giving man money every month he work every day he get payed under table got child aport on him i pay his telephone every month he dont help me with my house bills all he do with his money play lotteey numbers smoke weed play video games and kick it with his friends and families i dont know what i got myself in to with this person he be give me little money like a kid
I think my boyfriend are useing me after i look out foHim. He be call me dumb a bitch i know shit talking about child and my mother. I think abot to leave this man alone
We love to add you as our beautiful intelligence friendly spiritual friend.
True. i am in this situation. we have been together 3 years. highschool sweethearts.i have 2 kids from a previous relationship and he helps me with them watches them, he does OCCASIONALLY help around the house, but when it comes down to bills, he feels because i have kids he should only have to pay 1/4 rent & 1/4 electric. wow. lets me pay when we go out to eat,etc. but if i say anything about it he is always willing to tell me that he will stop watching mg kid
I met this handsome man in 2009. We dated for two years but I eneded it after that because he hadnt grown up yet @ 35-36 yrs old. His priorities were all wrong and plus he was a womanizer. Not only that he’s still with his baby mama. For two I didn’t call or txt and then finally we met up again. He’s changed some. He’s always went to church. That’s pretty much his entire family. But he’s still somewhat of a womanizer. I live an hour away. His job is scarce. Its hard for him to find a good job because of a long list of misdermeaners. I told him being a friend too that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to rise again. He works @ a car wash but its been cold so of course, no money. He wants to leave but child support will hit him hard. I know he loves her but its @different level because she belittled him all the time and talks bad about him to their kids. He says I keep him grounded cause I keep him motivated. And that I’m his heart. Also that he likes me a lot like deeply but he just told me that God was really talking to him like really talking to him and he doesn’t want to miss out on his blessings but then he said he just wants to be best friends no sex cause its hard for him to come see me being I live over an hour away and he cant help me like he wants. Then he said you know we’re going to always be around each other though. It hurts cause I see progress in him and I don’t want to miss out on that. Cause he’s really sweet. And I have respect for him for being honest. He said I was his heart but he’s mine too. He said if God wants us to be profoundly together, then it will be.
Part 2: what should I do? I truly love him. Should I forget the whole friendship thing? Is he just trying to be nice.?
If he's all tha why? Is she waiting on him to be honest and go herself. Many relationships are torn apart due lack of communication. A man can only use you if you let him, and same goes to the female. Many don't like the idea of being alone, or starting all over. I have a question. If you came from a two parent family were ya mom in dad in love, and was mom or dad staying the relationship for the kids. No man if he's ready to end the relationship will just for the kids sake, what is a relationship, and what does a real marriage look like? This is point that I want to end with. No man or women can be forced to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in…real talk js
Love your way of looking at so many different relationship issues! They're very helpful! Keep em coming! Thank you!
I REALLY ENJOY AND LEARN FROM THIS PAGE
This is very true.
l see so many men and self help relationship guru's always offering advice to women maybe start giving men some advice on how to treat a woman
Thank u fr sharin d truth
Lord so true. I actuall lived this, and just forund out he had another woman, but never wanted me to leave.
I have one that has not let me go in a different way. He never accepted any gifts of any kind from me ever, so I am no meal ticket whatsoever. I know that we have no future together but I Still had to force myself to release him in my heart and mind. He has more than one “catfish” account my social media page and he even found me on Match.com. At first I was flattered that he still cared enough to try and keep up with me. Now I just feel creeped out . . .
WOW! SO TRUE , LEARN TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE !!!
Im sorry but some of this really gets old it appears that noone thinks a woman is capible of doing all these same things to a man snap into the real world this type of use and abuse goes both directions
Funny how you and Kim Stone have the same Exact Story and use the same Exact words….
This is so true! Let it Go, trust in the Creator and move on. Take it from someone who is living it! He is not worth the precious time that is definitely too short!
I was unhappy in a relationship, he doesn't treat me, he lets his mother interfere, dominate us and she lives in his house with her BF! About 4 years into that relationship (why that long? Cause I have started seeing signs) and I tried to break up with him, he kept saying he wanted to marry me etc etc (I think he was using fake emotions). Then after I went back to the farm a couple days later for a few days, I was thinking and thinking of a plan. When I went home, I was going to sneak into his house while he was at work, grab what's left of my things and drop his stuff off and leave (Friday) and I stayed at my cousin's place and my guy texted me if I am home or something, I didn't want to lie or tell the truth, so we started thinking. I decided to text him back that I am not home (but in town with a cousin) and I stayed over night and texted him about 5pm, that is when I gets off work on those days. I gaved him a long text (with my cousin help), decent, mature text and at the end I said "don't text me, don't phone me, don't come knocking on my door" and turned off my phone till hrs later, he never replied, that was August 10, 2013. And still single and enjoying what I have missed out 🙂
On time, God, on time!
This is what I needed… Thank You !!
I feel that. I'm thinking it might be helpful to men to talk more with another so we can limit the number of times we have to tell ladies to leave him alone. This somewhat leaves a misguided notion that men are bad, when the reality is that many men, although they know right vs wrong, have rarely any outlets to talk with other men about positive relationships.
My husband has been a truly wonderful man during our marriage of 10 years. Then he decided to cheat on me with an old girlfriend. She just happens to be the same woman that he cheated on his first wife37 years ago. I've since found out that he cheated with her on some of his other relationships too. I am devastated. Why would he do this? We had such a great marriage. Now he's gone and changed it. He says he doesn't love her and never has. He wants forgiveness. How can I? How can I just turn off the love we had? I'm praying, but getting nowhere. I just don't know what to do.
I need some help please anyone I have a husband we got married june 20 2014 ok ill start from the beginning I met this guy December 2012 we were doing great he was the most kindest man ever then we broke up in maybe feb of 2013 never talked never tried to get a hold of each other nothing then in june of 2013 he got a hold of me right away he came over I live maybe 2 hours away from him we watched a movie and I told him I had to work the next day that I had to sleep so he said he was ok ill see u again he went outside n came back in by this time I was ready to sleep he said he doesn’t want to leave again he said he cant walk out of my life again so we ended up sleeping together we kept going out with each other from his place to mine in august we decided to live together I tought at the time it was a good idea in December he started being mean to me telling me that he loved his ex wife and that he missed her and all this mean stuff I told him to leave and go back lol he did in January when my dad was in the hospital and he was loving another woman he came back in February 15, 2014 I still continued to work while he was at home on ei he said he missed me he said he loved me he said all the sweet stuff in this world that a woman wants to hear now in march my mother text me asking me where he was I told her he was at home and she told me that his ex wife called her and is pregnant and wants me to leave her husband alone she has been a burden to us since I cant forgive him deep down inside my heart I don’t know if I want to to be honest because she bothers me on facebook which I delete many times because I don’t want to deal with this, he said that she hit him controlled him, manipulated him she even slept with his nephews in their bed 4 times and he still forgave her she owns his thoughts and just a all round bad person which makes me feel like leaving she says she is pregnant which we still don’t know if it is true which makes us fight recently I had a miscarriage I walk around crying he tries to hold me but im mad angry hurt that we lost our baby it drives me insane lately hes been getting distant shall I just move on with my life he says he has no life if I leave him but hes getting mean to me because I want to leave and its all because I lost my baby it hurts I walk around crying I feel distant from him I try put on a smile for him but I can feel this burning that had anger and hurt and resentment help me im lost what shall I do
I came to visit an ex bf of mine almost years ago and I’m still here he won’t let me go I don’t work I’ve had the same the pairs of pants since I came here I hate him so much I met him when I was 16 I’m 21 now he’s 28 he goes to school works but refuses for me to do anything I’ve been home everyday for 2years now I miss my family so much when I came here he said come visit me for two weeks and after refused to let me go I don’t know how much more I can take I cry myself to sleep every night I’m glad I found this because I thought I was the only one he says if I live he will kill himself but if only he knew I’m going to kill myself first
My boyfriend dropped the bomb on my this morning by saying he is only with me because he cannot get rid of me. I told him there is the door, I am hurt and dumbfounded. We have a 1 1/2 year old and another on the way. I am in a daze at this point, not sure what to do..
Right on – well said!
I have been with my husband for 10 years. I was only 15 when we got together. He was 21. And yes my parents were very upset but I got pregnant and I couldn’t have my baby daddy locked up. Long story short. It’s been a bumpy ride. We both cheated. Moved out moved in numerous times. I’m back home with him and our 2 children. The thing is that he doesn’t want me here and I k ow because he shows it. He just wont tell me. I ask him “why don’t you just tell me to leave? He never answers me. You’re right .I’m just his convenience. I need to get out. I’m hurt. I feel used. Oh Lord ..just help me.
Reading this article… It described everything that i am going through now. I moved to TX about a year ago and my boyfriend moved down a few months later (no job, not transportation, no money). I had a place and he knew i would help him get job. And i was the only one doing so… He was at my house doing nothing while i was at work looking for jobs for him… I get him a job… Little dead end fast food job. My expectations was for him to bring in this little money but continue to look for a better job…that was far from what actually happened. He is still at this job and everytime i say something about a new job or at least adding a second job he blows me off like what he doing is enough. Long story short, i have been trying to break up with him for over a month now… But now he wants to do better and get on his stuff… Now he wants to be a better man, but i have been asking him to do all of this for 3 years!!! Now that im tired of trying and want to end the relationship he wants to do as i have been asking. And then feels like my reasoning does not make sense, its not a legit reason for us to break up. I just want him gone. Out of my house (he really has no where to go, he drives my car…etc.) Im too young trying to raise a grown man (Im 23). I have tried all tactics… And nothing is getting through to him. Please help me… Please. I want him gone…
Av been in love with this guy for 5years,the first 2years was smooth we were happy together we never fought we couldn’t spend a day without knowing how he/me is doing/Things turned sour on the 3year when i fell pregnant he started showing me this kind of behavior ii never knew he has.he started to beat mi for senseless reasons,we always argued day and night.He started partying spending some nights outside even ladies where starting to call him even at midnight then he told me they are just friends and he came to an extent of beating mi for asking about these unusual calls the sad part of it is because he was doing all this while i was pregnant BUT i loved him more than anything,ryt now as i speak i moved to mi own place mi baby boy is grown up and the guy is now chasing after mi so what im asking myself is this guy the right person for mi or he just want to hurt mi again PLIZ I NEED ADVICE
I asked my boyfriend if he loves me at all this morning. He said “No”. And I said ” So does that mean we are breaking up ” and he said “Noon”,.. He drives to see me allot and his mom tells me if he didn’t love me he wouldn’t drive so much. But it seems our relationship is in my home. Me don’t go out and at the grocery support he don’t even really shop with me. He eats and leave the table right away. And he gets annoyed when I talk. I’ve asked him if he’s seeing somebody else and he gets mad and calls me an accuser. I get so hurt that sometimes I push him away. It’s gotten worse lately. I sometimes don’t want him touching me cause I want real love and I don’t feel that. I have his dog,, his bed and his TV which he gave to my kids and now he says he didn’t. So he complains I don’t do anything for him and yet I’ve had his cripple dog forever.He’s so nice at times. But it’s only when we are alone. And it’s not a sex thing cause we don’t hardly ever have it. Unless it’s me pleasuring him. He said he’s a victim in ourv relationship cause be had lenty me money and yet I have his dog .. And his stuff. I don’t have friends. He does. He said he didn’t till I caught his phone and he was setting a coffee date with some other woman. When I confronted it he said I was abusive crazy and jealous. He also has lots of friends by the way. I don’t know what to do. I want better. He claims he’s the best thing that happened to me since he doesn’t hit me and has a great career and I’m a single mom .help
My question is what do you do if your man said he don't love you at all. (I asked him in those words)And yet still wants to be with you. I have pushed him away allot. But I have reasons he claims are not true. I Love Him. I'm so confused.
What about when the man uses God as the reason why he won't let you go?
My boyfriend of almost 3 years got me pregnant. I constantly tried to break up with him because he goes out with other women but he always comes back and begs me not to leave him. When I told him I’m pregnant with his child he was so happy. He promised he will not abandon me. He talks about marrying me next year but I’m skeptical. But I continue to be with him because I love him and I want us to become a family. I don’t know whether to hope again or just let him go. I’m confused. I love him but I don’t trust my boyfriend.
What about if he's pimping your kid? If he's no good run away.
Yeswhat if he us god as a reasin he wint let u go well said megan . Or says we were meant t be together god put us together i kniw your future and withiut me its not good . Go to yiur death etc etc i need hin to stop
Yep, agreed esp "A man who loves his woman cannot continuously watch his woman in pain and be OK with it. Some situations are not this extreme but the principle remains the same. He keeps you around and fights for you because you’re his meal ticket. So why would he let that go
Are you serious, did you actually use black magic to get your bf back?
Thank you for this article. It helps to put things in perspective from a much more objective head-space than inside the relationship itself. It hurts so damn much to figure out you’ve bought into this kind of crap, especially at my age. I don’t think I’ll try having any relationships anytime soon. I’m happier alone and independent, free of all the drama.
Well, some men are like me. They need a legit smack in the face, because they didn't even realize they were doing something wrong. I love my wife. But I was so stuck on our marriage being what I thought God wanted it to be, that I skipped right over the whole love in action part. I didn't know I was being selfish, but I was. I thought I was living God's will our marriage, by working a lot and saying no to little stuff she wanted, like random impulse buys as well as big stuff like a better ring. In my mind, at the time, I was doing the right thing by trying to save for a house cars etc. But I wasn't investing in her happiness at all. I totally missed the point. Now, after seeing what I was doing wrong, I feel like we could make it, if she's willing to try again.
THE BLOOD OF JESUS I BIND SATAN IN JESUS NAME!!!!If he was yours he would have comback on his own I will pray for you
Brian Farrell Saving for a house and car not bad…sometimes we need our impulsive shopping to be curb lolz Go u for recognizing the chnages u need to make!
It is true they don't let go becuse they dont know how to br alone
Hi I would like to talk to someone who dont know me so can help me without judging , I need someone to listen to me
I am going through the same thing, I told my husband to leave and he doesn’t want to, we have been together for 10 years and all that time he has been telling me that he will change, now finally I gather the strengh to leave and he is not letting go, It hurts me because we have childrens however this is not love and I know that, I pray to God that he will finally leave and try to look for his own happiness and let me be. Love is not suppose to be like these…
i think these posts are really discouraging. i think sometimes, yes, a man will keep a woman around because he is dependent on her. However, i think the main is probably that the woman can't effectively communicate her needs and the man may not really understand why a woman would want certain things. read for woman only, they also make a for man only book too. both are a relationship must. we are such a throw away society and don't believe we should have to work for good things and that is what this article is ultimately intimating.
When it comes out of nowhere it is the worst. Literally I’m physically and mentally sick over this and don’t know what to do dmh
HELP!! I’ve been in an on and off again for 3 years. When we first met he moved in with me at my place. I quickly realized he was a huge pill addict and very abusive so I kicked him out. Less than a week later he moved in and was “so in love” with a new girl.
Cut to a couple months later, my father commited suicide, so I was super vulnerable and took my ex back. He has being staying with me in my apartment. I stopped working bc I was so distraught over my father, and I got my boyfriend a good job. Of course, as always just when I think things may work he starts to show his true colors.
No matter what, every day all day it’s all about his “symptoms and/or pills”. He is soooo incrediably negative it’s unbelievable. He is also very entitled, he thinks he is such a hero b/c he has kept a job for 6 months. (In reality I worked fulll time for 10 years paying ALL the bills on my own). He has no car, so basically I’m his chauffer to his job and his drug dealers. EVERY single day we have to “make drug runs”. He knows I’m not working yet he continues to go negative in his bank account spending upwards of $500 a week on pills.
I’ve told him several times I want to end the relationshp, This is going no where, he needs to get his things and go. The thing is he has NO WHERE to go. literally no family live in the state, he has ZERO friends. I have no family left, I do have great friends but bc of his abusive/psycho/drama I’ve isolated myself from them b/c I dont want to burden them with all this, and to be truthful it’s FUCKIN embarrassing. Like how can I be so stupid?
I know I want to end things, He swears up and down he loves me and will change but no Matter what everyday all day it’s about his pills and I know he will never change. At first I would help him b/c I felt sorry for him, but now at year 3 I cant stand his manipulative ass ways, He wont even come out and ask for things he will just whine and tell pitty party stories “oh if only someone would help me, if I could get ahold of just 1 pill”…..and now I give him rides, etc just so I dont have to hear his dumbass whiny voice and he will STFU.
I wont him gone, but he has no where to go. He has no car. I have no family. Im basically isolated as hell in this relationship, so how the hell do I get out of it? Do I literally have to abandon everything I’ve worked for and run away???? I just want him out! how do I get him out when there is literally no where to take him???????
I cant call the cops b/c I hate them, dont trust them, there slimy pigs who dont give a fuck about helping me.
Oh man, this is dead-on. I keep trying to kick my boyfriend out of the nest so he can learn to fly. He’s never lived on his own and the idea is appealing to him but when push come to shove, he finds a way to turn the seduction up 100% and I allow myself to get sucked back in, almost out of pity, because I don’t want to leave him fucked, (and the sex is ridiculously hot.) He is a grown child and I get tired of feeling like his mother. Paying his bills even though he has two full-time jobs, cleaning up after him, watching his kids, being his emotional stability and happiness, catering to his every whim when I just need space and time to myself, being his chaperone because he is always in a drunken stupor when he’s not working. We both have failed marriages due to our spouses infidelity. We got into the relationship so quickly. He latched on so hard, even though we talked about taking our time and solidyfying our communication skills before doing the cohabitation thing. Some days I feel trapped. I know I’m codependent. Constant anxiety. I just got off the emotional rooler coaster, and here we go again. I want to focus on my relationship with God and my kid and myself. I’ve asked him to move out more than twice (cause he keeps threatening to any time I have requests,) I feel like nothing gets done unless I do it, including looking for a place for him. I have let him start taking responsibility for his own life. I stopped doing his chores for him but my house is in shambles. I’ve lived on my own before and I LOVE it. I like things neat and tidy and he is disgusting. We are both not emotionally mature for a healthy cohabitating relationship and I know that. He has a major fear of abandonment and is an alcoholic. I try to tell him that us having our own places and going back to dating is probably the best thing for us and for the long term life of the relationship. I figured it’s a way to save the relationship before I finally feel like I’m suffocating and sabotage everything out of my own commitment phobic issues. My secret weapon-I will start growing out my armpit hair, I know it sounds gross, but I’m sad to employ “how to loose a guy” tactics but it is my last hope. I do love the guy. We do have fun, and laugh. It just keeps going back and forth through extremes and sometimes his choice of words toward me are entirely abusive.
Also feel like I’m trying to make up for everything I didn’t do in my marriage. I know we’re not married and no kids together, but it is so hard to leave. I’m pumped and empowered one day, heartbroken an longing for his company the next. I want to commit to truly becoming a healthy person by letting go of addiction, hurt and anger in my life. He is an angry little boy. I told him my hope is that he will join me in this journey toward self-healing and fullfillment and that I will pray for him; but he’s stuck in his rut, and I wonder how long it will be like this, (almost a year and a half now,) he refuses to even acknowledge how he makes me a target of his arrows or even apologize for it. I can’t keep doing this but then sometimes I wonder, since everyone has some sort of personality disorder or unresolved childhood conflict, Is real commitment about dealing with the good, bad and ugly and loving someone who is just as screwed up as you are? We all have a sinful nature and adults do not always act like adults. In forgiving myself, I find compassion for him but the behavioral pattern is becoming more pervasive and I keep thinking he’s just taking advantage of me. He thinks it’s ok for him to treat me like dirt and I should stick to him like mud and “that’s just who he is.” When I tell him, I’ve dated enough jerks and that’s not what I want in my life right now, then it’s back to the seduction and rejection cycle.
I am going through the same phase and it is now almost 2 years.He is not human being because of the miseries that he is putting me through.I desperately want to leave him but i am unable to do so as he black mails me for some thing that I did with him 3 years back and i did that out of love.Now i feel very helpless.He threatens me to tell my parents about it and i dont want that to happen as they have done a lot for me and i dont want to hurt them.I feel miserable and since I have tried every way to sort out with him and nothing works it seems that the only way is to move from here and that is a very difficult decision for me to leave everything and just go to another place…..I cant think of any other way
Truth. I just left such a relationship. I felt very strongly for her… even loved her. ..but knew I would NEVER marry her. And could never have kids with her. (She wanted both these things). And ultimately I realize I stuck in it because it was convenient. A friend of mine is LITERALLY stuck in this relationship. They’ve moved in together, they have a dog together, etc. And now he’s stuck in the relationship. I almost duplicated his life… yikes!
Well he hasn’t cheated on me but is fixated on cars. I’m not into it and Im not comfortable around his family. So that in itself is a reason why I want to break up with him. He keeps saying I’m working on getting us a place but it hasn’t happened. We’re 25 far too old for sleepovers at mum and dad’s. I just think it’s weird and he won’t let me break up with him. He said he won’t let me fall, and that he loves me. When the only way for this relationship to work with his family is if I’m medicated. I don’t know what to do…
Im going through this now… This isnt my first relationship like this 🙁 but this is the hardest.. Im 7 months pregnant with our 2nd baby (Our first is 10 months) .
And there is no love .. At all . Until i buy him something or cook him a nice meal. I cant wait for this to be over because its such a burden but my battle is not wanting to be a single mom.. I wanted to marry the father of my children and maintain a family. He thinks marriage is just a legal document or so he says.. But he even tells me after this child he knows im going to leave him.. And honestly i dont see why i shouldnt at this point .
I need help..
He is obsessed with me, very insecured but he can take me to his friends. I was stressed and book my self in hotel just for weekend. So he says I was with a man
I am in a 3 year relationship with my bf I had a miscarriage 2weeks ago and I want out Ive told him I CNT do this anymore ,I was at hospital alone dealt with it all alone I’ve now come to this conclusion that I no longer want this guy anymore I can actually see that I’ve been in this all alone thinking his with me 100℅ becoz that’s what he tells me …
I am old but wantto end a relationship. He is 64
I am wanting to go and not tell him although we live separate
I want a solitary life and no one. I dislike company
I haven’t the guts to tell him
I’m hurting it seems as men view me as their meal ticket. I don’t feel this way I mean as a woman I tend to care but for the man to think that I am his convenience is his mental struggle not mine. Men are given too many excuses to be assholes and women are not complimented enough for enduring it.
Women collect trauma from each relationship she goes through. Once it’s over let her go and get a fresh chick. In the end, women typically leave anyway because they have a undying need to be stimulated with newness, excitement and fresh experiences for them to stay interested long term(5-10+ years) ect. Let them go.
My fiancé and I have had a turbulent 3 years. On an off all the time. He’s been physically abusive once but mentally abusive too. I’ve lost my friendships due to him. Suffer anxiety too, I’m now suffering with Fybromyalgia. He keeps promising me he will change but letting me down constantly. I was about to start a new relationship when he continually messaged me declaring his love for me and to choose him again and our dream life we had planned. I fell for it and two days later he was back to letting me down. I’ve ended things again and feel so stupid and very low. Please don’t make my mistakes. I’ve lost my potential new love, my friends, my confidence, my self worth.
Im In Realation but he just start avoiding me and saying Im single now , He used to talk with me 24/7 now he is getting change . No morning msgs nothing if I ask why u doing so he relpies You fight all the time , complains me , I want to talk to u by my own I will ask u if I want to ask if u r ok .. Its just hurting me a lot . When I say him ok then leave me Or Im ending he start saying u cant wait , waiting is hard than leaving for u . Someone tell him without him Im nothing its same if he left me properly or just staying without talking . What should I do ? Should I wait for him to get back ?
There are people that come into our life to drain our energy down. Good love will uplift you, bad love will drain you and cause sorrow.
Hi! My boyfriend and i have been together for almost four years now, we havent went out on the date he hardly call or text me unless he wants me to do something for him. He does not call me after we have had sex. Even my arrived home text he ignores. claims to love me,we cuddle all night, acts insecure in most time. But i wonder if he loves me or i should walk away?
Hey I’m still in love with my ex its like up and down now I’m moved to another state and he keep asking me is I’m for sure I’m moving he not given me a reason why he keep asking me what’s the clue cause I don’t get it.
False. I was with a girl for a year and she always thought i was using her. Wasnt true. I helped her and her children all the time. She did do alot for me as i did and still do appreciate everything. She grew mean n mad as time went on almost like she had something she knew but would never talk about it. When i asked her what was wrong she would get upset and walk away. The communication was gone. I never treated her bad and i never cheated. I did love her but eventually she got so mad she threw me out n made me homeless. I had to quit my job n move out of the area back to my hometown. Its been 3 months n isnt a moment goes by where i just want to talk to her. She blocked me on fb n i no longer have her cell # i dont know how to totally let go. Dont wanna think about her anymore
I am a Christian woman I have had past relationships and it didn’t end well. I am in a relationship right now with a guy I have been friends with for 11 years. We started well until I became physical (although we have never consummated) but we have only been “together” for 2 months. I really like this guy but he gave me this one year rule where we wait for a year till we meet each other’s families. We still meet everyday since he is set on making me lose weight by going to the gym which is no problem for me because I do want to lose weight. But…here is the problem we are always tempted to be physical with one another and we have prayed about it. The real problem is…I feel I have screwed up on this relationship because we didn’t get to enjoy the “courting” stage of our relationship (supposedly) and instead we had to fast forward into being in a relationship because we kissed and all that. Now, I feel that he is only holding on because I HAVE NO IDEA WHY? He feels guilty? He wants to keep his promise even if he doesn’t like me that much anymore? I have no clue. I want to know if he will love me? Or he still really likes me? We have been into a two day fight where I gave him a hard time because I was jealous with this friend of his that is a girl whom I presume that he really liked. I have no idea what to do? I really like him and I want to hold on to him but I don’t know if we are going to work out? Please help…
God is not the answer to all of your problems. Put faith in yourself to make the right decision.
We had a fight the other day then he told me that he didn’t love me, but when I asked him why he don’t want to let me go, he said because he didn’t want to let me go. I asked him why he wanna keep me and he said because I’m rare, lol. What does it mean?
Hello Stephan my ex fiancée we have children together and I had left our home and he never let me go back I’m living with my mother we reconciled and he says we going to get our own place now he says all kinds of insults that just the other day we were fine he gose Home and tells me insults that I argue with him and seem like he dosent want to anymore I financially 4 small children can’t get a full job to support us and he lied to me . I don’t understand him.
I’ve been with my current partner for 2 years. We had some ups and downs and I love him very deeply but now I feel I want to move on because I’m not fulfilled. He claims he loves me and it will better better but he recently starting shutting me out and it hurts. So I asked him if this is not what he wants he is free to leave and I will move on..he states that you are what I want and it will get better..I can’t keep going back and forth..I’m tired, stressed, and not sure what to do anymore. I don’t stay because I’m desperate or afraid of being in love..I stay because I truly love him..what to do what to do?
This is a great article to read.
My husband of 2.5 years has cheated on me over 4 times and I just found out about the last 2 a week ago. I left and he is desperately trying to show me that he will change (which is what he promised 6 months ago) and I was basically his mom, cooked, cleaned worked, etc. this was a good article to see the truth behind his “love” for me.
He blames all his weaknesses on “sexual anorexia” and “sex addiction” which he does have a problem, but he can’t blame that on the blatant lies and deceit he put me through! ?
I have lived in 2 types systems: the systems where the woman does everything for the man (Africa, Asia, Middle East) , and the system where women do not do everything for their man (Europe). And trust me where the woman does not give the man a full easy ride (cook , clean, be his mom etc..) the man tends to stay, and always wants to go back. In the system where women do all men tend to abuse. You never know maybe your man has this “sex addiction” because out of home the women do not “offer everything on a plate” like you do and that’s what keeps him going back there. Change your ways and things will change. Men have a bit of “masochism” in them and get turned off when they have a woman that does it all for them.
So now I need some help. I’ve been with this guy for 7+ years, and I left him for a couple of months about two years ago. He’s a great guy, we now have an 18-month-old daughter and he has a 16-year-old daughter previous marriage. One of my biggest concerns and problems with our relationship is that he is still married to his ex. Now they are not together and it’s been proven time and time again they are toxic together and neither one of them want to be with each other anymore, so I’m not worried about them still wanting to be together. But I have had the same discussion with him over and over and over, about why is he still married to her and you need to get divorced. It always gets pushed to the side yet he says I’ll do it. Well as of six months ago he went and got divorce papers, and that’s all he did. He’s really set in his ways and when I did leave him a begged him beg and beg for me to come back and I kept telling him no. Yet I went back because it all sounded good promises promises. But there was only one of those promises he kept and one of them was that we wanted to have a kid so we did all the other things they were just words, so I feel. We were supposed to do date nights forever now, and date nights did happen for him and his 16-year-old daughter. Now he’s a great dad and I don’t want to stand in the way of him and his daughters, but where do I stand? He tells me all the time we do go on date nights, which we do go and get something to eat occasionally but we don’t have date night. And on his daughters and his date nights I ask him to take his other daughter my child our child , And he says he will but then he doesn’t. So I’m confused on that part. He says he doesn’t want to get married again which part of me is OK with that and part of me is not . We have promise rings, but I myself bought them. He wears it and never takes it off says he loves me and he can’t be without me and that we need to raise our child together. I have noticed that I have become a little bitter, and angry a lot. But we do have some good times but the feelings aren’t the same for me. And I do sometimes feel like I’m just there to be there for what he wants . And I can’t help but be a little scared of going on my own as a single mother, yet I know it is possible and I know that we will be OK and I know that he will be there to help and be there for his daughter the same way he has been for his 16-year-old . I tell him all the time, and probably nag him about it, please get divorce I’m tired of empty promises please get divorced, why have you not gotten divorced. So so I let my feelings be known yet here we are almost 8 years later and he still not divorced he still comes up with any reason at all as to why he hasn’t, or should I say excuses because that’s what I feel like they are! I do love him and I do know that he loves me, but I just don’t think that we are, or at least me, in love with each other. Can someone please shed some light on my situation, I could really use some answers.
First of all, you bought the promise rings which is not a good sign, you are giving the man an easy ride. If he does not want to divorce, he will surely go back to his ex. Some men use this trick not to get married again because they know that they are just in a conflict phase with their exes and it will pass even if it will take 10 years they will still get back together. Meanwhile you are just the “fixer of their marriage” that they picked along the road. Stop wasting your time. I have been there and that’s how it will end.
Try this on for size.. I have been with this man for 11 years. I helped him raise his daughter because her mother keeps getting sent to prison. She was out about 6 years ago and he started treating me different and even kick me out in the dead of winter .. 8 months later he’s calling me coming to see me at work within a week I’m back living with him. Well she just recently got released from prison again and here we are again . He went behind my back and visited with her ..first time shame on you. Sec time shame on me!! I have reached my breaking point and there’s never a third chance.. hopefully before long he will be a memory
Drop him dear. There are 2 types of men women should have extra red lights around:divorced men and widowers with children. A divorced man always has a tendency of going back to his ex depending on her moods and a widower with little children, will take you in , let you do the dirty job of raising his kids. Once the children are grown, you have already done the difficult part of raising the kids for him, all the woman now want him, he kicks you out without even thanking and finds a new woman. Let’s be wise women.
This describes my relationship to a T. It’s humiliating and I hate myself for staying with a man like this for 9 years so far. I know exactly what I should do but can’t bring myself to walk away. It’s so bad that I even wish death upon him so I can get the easy way out. I pray to God…even beg him to please give me the strength to leave. I just can’t do it. I feel weak and trapped at the same time…I just don’t know what to do with this misery anymore.
Omg this me too girl. I’m writing a book about it but it’s so hard for me to leave him when we does me erong. I even say to kill himself because he makes me sick…
I’m currently dealing with this from my fiancée that I have been with for almost 3 years. We have a daughter together and this post is describing us to the T. I kind’ve figured he was doing this for his own benefit before I ran into this website and reading this article proves my gut instinct. He has done me wrong from day 1 and acts like he’s not sure why I am hurt and why I cry and get upset and angry. I tried to kill myself a few times because of him. I beg him to stop if he’s going to stay with me and in the same breath he will do the same thing over again. It’s hard for me to leave especially when I don’t have a support system especially the ones that judges me and puts me down and runs my business to the stress (family) and I don’t have friends I can trust. All I have is my daughter and I am only alive because of HER. I stay with him because when God said to run I didn’t listen and now I’m depressed everyday and smiling to my family as well as his making it seem like everything is okay. His own family treats me like shit and I feel abused by him. I want to scream for help but the same people I want to talk to enables his behavior. I feel this is ny worth for not listening to god. But I might run away your another state and never come back.
Every time I get the courage to leave, he runs back saying he’s sorry. He just told me that he loves me but isn’t in love anymore. We’ve been together for 2 yrs… He says that he’d breaking up with me, but never goes anywhere. We end up back together within a matter of days, Just for him to do the same shit he did in the first place.. He yells, cusses and blames a WHOLE lot of stuff on me… I’m so confused.. He’s also an on again off again addict.. Breaks up with me, goes and gets high then comes home 2days later. He says he needs me in his life and that I’m his backbone and foundation…
This is so on point. This has happened to me on a few occasions. My ex of twelve years was so blissfully tied to the convenience of the relationship rather than his love for me. After years of sleeping in separate bedrooms and having a non-existing sex life, having to contribute to his mortgage, doing all of the cooking and cleaning and being a “cool girlfriend” by not caring if he gets drunk and goes out with his buddies all night. I wasn’t getting any emotion supply from the relationship and asked him several times if we should break up. He would ignore my requests and not talk about it. So, time goes on and yet another year stuck in the same situation. Finally, one day I just packed my stuff and left. He claimed to be so heartbroken which baffled me. He never even kissed me or held my hand..how can HE be so heartbroken lol. I think he’s heartbroken because now he’s living off of Hamburger Helper and wearing socks with holes in them because he doesn’t have me to take care of him. I’ve had male friends do this as well. They don’t want you but they don’t want you with anyone else. I had to deal with that recently with a good male friend of mine. He would say all the right romantic things to get me to stay around and the ONLY reason men like this want you around is so you can constantly stroke their precious egos!
Currently went through a bad breakup. My ex boyfriend insisted we take a two week break to “rekindle” our love but my love for him never strained so this break would be useless. Obviously he does not feel the same for me. I packed all of my belongings and left his apartment. Later that day he had the nerve to ask “why did you pack all of your things? It’s just a small break. Are you breaking up with me?” In my heart it did not feel right. I asked him “do you love me?” and he said “i don’t know”. Waiting two weeks for a man to fall in love with me? This is not God’s plan. I should not be put on hold. I left him.
Thank you for this
The whole I’ve been in a controlling and manipulating relationship for 2 and a half years, but I could never figure out why I was crying or feeling sad all the time and thought that he loves me but in reality he was just manipulating me the whole time. I don’t have any friends to talk to so I didn’t know that there was a such thing call a controlling boyfriend and that I was dealing with this and while reading this article I felt like you have just put all my feelings into words something I’ve been searching for, thanks you for saving my life
I have been suffering from this since 2012. I been wanting to leave and something always held me back. In 2014 we had a child and I thought the situation would improve due to a child coming to the relationship, but it made it worse, now that I have the guts to say ENOUGH, he will not leave and use the child as an excuse. I am so fed up and so tired of this mans psychological abuse towards me and my children that I am willing to leave him the child that we have in common in order to get away from him. He drains every positive energy I get, the room and the mood immediately becomes Gray when he enters the house. I don’t hate him, I just gate who I am with him. I just want him GONE, and I am scared of what the fed up ME might do to get away from him.
I just quit and now by myself. I miss him greatly but he is my downfall. I am a good person and I deserve to be happy so all I ask is for God to give me strength to forge forward to meet the very man he has put before me.
This guy reels my daughter in and over and over again. To the point of going to his house with a knife and threatened him. She know he’s cheating on her over and over again but she has in her mind that she has got to be the winner of him. I’m so afraid she’s going to do some stupid thing and go to prison for the rest of her life. But there’s no talking to her. HELP‼️
Sounds just like my husband of 5 yrs. Right now he’s in his nice convincing stage and that is when it’s hard to convince myself to get out. I told him WE take 2 steps forward and I take 3 back. It’s as if my feet are encased in concrete but my brain is screaming to run
I have been married for 13yrs, together for 18. First time I caught him cheating, I asked him first for the truth..of course he lied and then I played the recording. 2nd and 3rd time, STD. He has still denied it all. Lies of omission. Starting arguments for no reason. Nothing I did was right, everything my fault. Lost his high paying job for being late!! He was responsible for family insurance for 4 months out of our 18 years, I’ve always paid it. I paid for a home, but because he wanted something in his name, we got a new one and sold mine. He turned his back on us when he lost his job. He said we didnt support him when he lost his job. I supported the home. He was waiting on a certain job!! Didnt care that I was working doubles. Too much to tell. He sleeps on the couch. I’ve lost all respect for him. We don’t talk. He puts on to everyone else like things are normal. I pray, but am I listening. Do I leave???
My boyfriend of 7 months loves me as a person, we are very close friends, we have great communication and we get along really well, he is respectful and thoughtful and is constantly including me in his life but he is unsure if he loves me as a girlfriend.
My uncertainty and insecurity with myself makes him upset and he wishes I would be more confident and comfortable with myself
He is unsure of our relationship and I am not sure if this is the only reason why but he doesn’t want to let me go and doesn’t want me to not be in his life.
But he doesn’t know if we are right, he isn’t sure and he doesn’t think he is in love with me and doesn’t know if he will be. I don’t know if he wants to be with me because we have a good relationship and he should want to be with me or if he actually wants me as his girlfriend. I don’t know what to do… if I should even continue trying
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years now. And we got into a argument because I found some pictures of a female that wasn’t me in his phone. And I was really upset because it’s not the first time that he talks to another girl. I don’t trust him at all. About 3 weeks ago he deleted all his social medias. He said that he dosent know how those pictures are there if that was a long time ago. He said it could’ve probably been because he switched the sims cards. So basically when I saw that I wanted to leave because I was so upset but he wouldn’t let me leave. He even took my phone away from me and wouldn’t give it back. And he would even push me into the bed and told me to sit down. And I was afraid he would hit me because he’s hit me in the past just one time. And he said he wouldn’t let me leave until I was convinced that he wasn’t talking to that girl. What should I do? I’m so tired of fighting with him. Please help.
I’ve been dealing with a guy since 6/2016 and as of now I feel like we are tied to each other we talk to each other everyday every morning noon and night but still never both said anything about being together, we’ve talked about what we both want and its like he see that im into him and he even told me he love to chill and relax and vibe with me but he feel like if we keep vibing things will come into place natural and I do believe that its just how do I know if he really wants to be with me?
My husband and I have been separated for 3 months. He slept with someone got her pregnant. But doesn’t let me go. Him and I have no ties together so why not just leave me alone. I have tried to walk away but its getting harder for me.
My fiance and I recently broke up. Before this we had numerous times before. What started great became hard and out backgrounds came to a head. We went from loving to being so unkind…both on the line of at least emotional abuse towards each other. Man…i am so sad. I am a woman who believes in God and I lean on Him for all things. The hardest part is my kids still ask about him, he calls me and texts me and even states if I need anything he will be there. But I’m so sad that I’m afraid this is taking unhealthy to another level.I love him. I don’t want life without him. But I can’t just be his friend right now. Call me selfish. Why wont he just let me go? He already broke up with me. We did go though a really hard area when he betrayed me in what mosr would deem unforgivable. Move on Right? So obvious Right? Why won’t my love go away? I believe so strongly in forgiveness….im just sad you guys. I just needed to say it so my heart had some more room to move. I am truly heartbroken. If you choose to respond but want to state judgmental and rude answers please don’t anyway. Keep it to yourself. I feel enough without additional cruelty to another human you don’t know. I simply needed to speak outside of my circle. Thank you. I would appreciate prayers.
Interesting topic, but shallow. Love is generally about benefiting from someone in various ways (not limited to material gain). I understand where the writer is trying to go with the subject, but it needs to be expounded on in order to create more clarity and objective thinking in the reader.
I have a control freak ensuing my life. I cannot be myself, for facts that messages will repeat, my alarms, my cellphone, my work, is all by his damning cameras……I am a caring person……I want to hide somewhere safe. What do I do?
, because the real issue to consider is why do you continue to allow him to stay. That last part you said. Well it’s difficult for others out there with no family or friends as they have key and as many times you say leave they won’t leave they keep on coming back asking forgiveness and their answer is still no what can they do? Keep calling the police trespass order but they keep coming back not listening what have to move house so they don’t follow?
I left a guy that I truly loved but something was always holding him back on returning it. He cared deeply but Love was something he couldn’t give because he wasn’t 100% if I was the one. I finally realized there was nothing I could do or say that could/would convince him otherwise. I let him go and it hurts to the point that I don’t feel anything. I know he’s hurting but I’m tired of giving and only receiving a portion of that love in return. If a person feels that the relationship is not viable he or she will always have one foot out the door,looking for something else. I won’t date anymore because I’ve been hearing you are not enough for too long