She Slept With His Friend So He Won’t Take Her Serious

Time and time again I have seen this scenario pop up. Girl meets boy, girl has sex with boy, girl and boy don’t work out, girl likes his friend, and then girl has sex with friend hoping for a relationship to come. Believe it or not it happens a lot. What always surprises me is the girls belief that the second guy will actually take her serious. She will buy into the belief that they are getting to know each other and how he is actually interested in being with her long-term. She will invest time and energy into this man expecting that he will continue to do the same. She sees a future with him but she seems to have forgotten one important thing…

YOU SMASHED HIS HOMIE! For those not familiar with that term it just basically states the fact that she had sex with his friend. Which is something many men frown upon when considering a potential wife.  Sure he may still entertain that woman and have sex with her. He may have heard how good she was (yes a lot of men talk especially when they see you are now “engaging” with their friend) and figured he wants to get in on some of that action (I know that disgust some of you reading this but I’m just being honest). A lot of men can’t deal with the idea that a guy they see on the regular has been with “their woman”. He also doesn’t want to be mocked by some of his friends about him trying to be serious with a woman they may just view as a “hoe”. Yes I feel that can be immature but it happens all the time. Not to mention the thought of having a situation where they are all together in the same room if he became serious with that woman. That can be very uncomfortable for many so that man won’t even bother entertaining this possibility.

Yet many women will still believe there is hope for something serious and will continue to deal with him. Many will come to me because he still hasn’t made things official and she can’t understand why. The woman will run down a list of things she thinks may be hindering their progress and it’s like I have to stop and remind her “umm well didn’t you SMASH HIS HOMIE” (I don’t say it like that. I’m much more loving and gentle in my coaching sessions when needed). I’m thinking why are we acting as if this isn’t an important fact to remember. Yes we will discuss all possibilities but don’t leave that fact out as if it’s not relevant. I understand she doesn’t want it to be an issue but for most men it will weigh in on their decision of whether or not to be serious with that woman.

Even with all that said this doesn’t mean a scenario like this can’t work out. I have seen plenty of situations where men married a woman that they knew once slept with a friend. I have even seen situations where the woman slept with a family member previously and the guy still made a decision to be with that woman in a serious relationship. When some men see enough value in that woman or feel they have found love they will overlook a lot in their pursuit of laying claim to it. A man may experience plenty of women they “like” or “care about” but feeling like they are in love is a rare moment for a lot of guys and they don’t want to pass it up. Also the level of friendship they have with this particular guy plays a large role. The closer the friend the harder it gets to overlook a situation like this. Again it can happen and it can work but it takes a very mature or carefree approach for this to have a happy ending.

At the end of the day a person should know what they are up against. Understand that most men will struggle with this issue and are not willing to look past it. If that woman genuinely likes this man then she should be mindful of the circumstances. She should consider focusing on building a true bond before you have sex with him as well. If you are just looking for “fun” then that is your choice (I believe waiting is best) but understand the price that may be paid if you now want to something more serious with that same man. One more thing is a woman should be honest about it. Hearing something like this the wrong way and from the wrong person is a disaster waiting to happen.

22 Comments
  • Rum Punch Drunk
    Posted at 15:05h, 15 April Reply

    It’s like a betrayal to think that you were with a person and the next thing, they ended up with your friend. It would be so hard to think that that person was only with you because they originally wanted your friend, if you know what I mean.
    I’ve seen situations like this ruin long term friendships and relationships. I rarely get to see everything turn out well for all, unless many years have passed by and it’s all water under the bridge so to speak.

  • Jen1029
    Posted at 02:28h, 16 April Reply

    I think women do this because they would be willing to do the converse and think men are the same. Some women I know have no problem pushing up on their friends/relatives’ boyfriends or husbands or exes, smh

  • pickedwrong
    Posted at 13:00h, 16 April Reply

    This is happening to me but with a twist. The first guy was my neighbor and we became friends, hung out and fooled around a bit (no sex). While hanging out, I met his friend who was immediately interested in me, but I brushed him off… he kept pursing even while knowing I dug his friend. Things ran their course with the neighbor, and months later his friend professed he’s in love with me. I told him I’d think about it… And then I talked to him about his friend and how it was weird and how I couldn’t change the past but he said he wasn’t the jealous type. And after rethinking everything I knew about him, I decided to give him a shot and date him. Ended up liking him and fooling around but we still never had sex, and then he turned weird. Said it was moving too fast (uhhh, you told me you were in love??). He still pursues me but in group settings only… he doesn’t ask me out solo but arranges lots of group things and then is by my side the whole night. Everyone asks me what’s up between us, because there is clearly chemistry, but I have no answer…

    • Joelle
      Posted at 17:07h, 24 April Reply

      weird. how about you ask your neighbor? maybe both of them talked about u and some things were said for sure

      • jack
        Posted at 19:17h, 28 April Reply

        That’s exactly what happened. Men don’t usually gossip unless it’s about a conniving female.

  • jack
    Posted at 19:22h, 28 April Reply

    I had a friend who used me to get to my friend, and had the nerves to tell him that. He smashed a couple of times, than dropped her like a bad case of gonorrhea. She than tried to come back around, but our friendship was never the same because I no longer trusted her.

  • joe
    Posted at 19:24h, 20 May Reply

    If she gets with your boy after she got with you then she was eyeing him from the jump.
    and if your boy smashes it then that aint your boy!

  • Brandon Fisher
    Posted at 07:33h, 19 March Reply

    Stephan, when I was getting out of the military I was shocked to her that my friend has lost her child's father in an unfortunate car accident.(He was a friend of mine before I knew her) Not long after that we were partying with some friends and it was still oblivious that she was still dealing with the pain of losing out "friend." During the course of that night I expressed to a good friend of ours that I felt bad for our friend,but I also made it clear that I had feelings for this friend but I was told by this really good friend to "let it go" and "wait it out" till she was ready to date again. To make this long story shorter, another one of our "friends" took advantage of this weakness that night and not long after they were dating. My really good friend who told me to wait took offense to our other friend taking advantage after only several months of our friends' death. But needless to say it didn't work out between them and things got messy with our other friends and she tried dating some of our other friends that I grew up with, but all in all I've been the friend who had been by her side through it all even though I have to hide my true feelings for her throughout our 10 year friendship, I can't help the fact that I love this woman more than anybody can know, and yet Ive tried to show my feelings for her in the past, but it was best agreed at that time we not "complicate our friendship with a sexual relationship." Here recently though my love for her has grown stronger and Ive been hinting/flirtimg around with her about the idea of us dating, but how can I convince her and my really good friend that what happened in the past with my/her/our friends, happened in the past and the "love" that I have for this woman will be the real thing? What should or could I do?

  • Stephan Labossiere
    Posted at 06:00h, 20 March Reply

    Brandon email me at advice@stephanspeaks.com so we can discuss this further.

  • Brandon Fisher
    Posted at 11:23h, 21 March Reply

    Stephan, For whatever reason when I try to send a message to your email it refuses to send…my email is fishtree07@gmail.com

  • Zeedeep Zippora Mpho
    Posted at 22:37h, 24 April Reply

    Wow…..!

  • Anonymous
    Posted at 04:21h, 05 September Reply

    I was dating this guy whom I used to work with. It didn't work for both of us. We both had an overly huge ego so we tend to fight a lot till he finally called it over. His best friend knowing what happened, started sending me msgs and asking me out. After a couple of exchanges weeks later, I decided to meet him. I didn't tell anyone about it until that old date came back in the scene wanting to start over again. And we did only to be followed by one unforgettable big fight. To my exasperation I told him in details how I made out with his friend! That was to crush his God damn ego and I did so successfully. I could feel his pain even if I knew there was never love between us at all. I felt triumphant. Days later I found his friend unfriended me and my date in FB. Who cares. By the way, we really didn't make out. It was just a kiss. But I made it sound exaggerated. 3 months later, Mr ex-date showed up. But it was never like before anymore. He treated me like I was no more than a bitch he could just sleep with at night and dismiss in the morning. I didn't contact him since. I learned from it. In the end, I was was still the one who looked like a fool. They could be hanging out together again now..

  • JLK
    Posted at 15:52h, 27 March Reply

    I liked two guys, A and B and they were friends. However, I liked A in a more romantic way while B was more platonic. A is a low-key kinda guy who could offer the possibility of a serious relationship while B is a player who tries to hit on any girl for casual sex. After I met A and B, A traveled out of the country and B started to try and get close to me. I expressed my feelings to A while I was chatting with B. One night, I went to meet B and we had sex. I got so guilty about it because I didn’t really mean to do it but B was quite attractive, a smooth talker and I liked him in a way. As they were both friends, A would surely come back and get to know about it. So I confessed to A about what I did. A was really pissed, hurt and upset; I never knew he liked me as much as he did until that unfortunate confession and he was mad that I told him I liked him yet I went and did stuffs with his close friend. Now A said that in order for me to get him back, I would have to be punished. He told me to get a close friend of mine for him to have sex with. An eye for an eye. A said after he has hurt me back like how I did to him, then we can continue like normal and see where all this takes us. If I don’t bring him a friend of mine, he said he will never talk to me ever again and he will block me from his life. I’m really into this guy A, but I made a terribly grave mistake with his friend B, so what should I do? Should I do what he wants, or walk away from it all? I don’t want to live to regret this and I been so emotionally stressed about the entire situation. 🙁

    • D. Jinx
      Posted at 22:15h, 24 July Reply

      You sound very young. Do you really need an answer to this?

  • Anonymous
    Posted at 06:04h, 29 April Reply

    This is so bizarre to me. In no way shape or form could I see myself getting twisted up between two men who are friends/related or any man that has been with a relative or friend of mine.
    What makes a man seduce a woman he knows his friend into? Or if he knows the woman prefers his friend? He has no respect for the woman or his so called homeboy. Why would anyone fool around with someone he or she doesn’t love and trust?

    I’m sure there are relationships that have worked out fine when one party has been with a friend of the other, but as for me if two friends are vying for my attention at the same time I’d have to walk away from both. No drama, no mess. Entirely too much for me.

    • William Clearlake
      Posted at 16:32h, 17 March Reply

      This.

  • lem
    Posted at 20:39h, 13 July Reply

    I have this issue and I wanna know how to make it better. I hang out with both B and E and slept with B first, thought we had a real possibility and chemistry and everything, but it fizzled out due to little things. further on I slept with his friend E, who is also my friend, but feelings for B were and still are there. Two months down the line and still friends with them both, but each time I hang out with B he comments about me and E even tho it hasn’t happened again; he said that if I hadn’t slept with E, he would’ve dated me, but now he can’t on principle. E of course would probably sleep with me again as his mindset is different, but my real feelings are for B and I want him to forgive me and get past the fact I slept with E.

    • D. Jinx
      Posted at 22:11h, 24 July Reply

      Move on from both. Neither will ever take you serious as a true partner and girlfriend or wife. EVER!

  • KingOfFools
    Posted at 21:30h, 02 November Reply

    I Recently reconnected with an old friend from high school and we totally hit it off. Total chemistry for both of us and we’ve spent every minute we could together. Only about three weeks or so have lapsed but it’s really been great. A couple weeks into it my boy came up in conversation. I brought him up asking if she knew him and she said she did. I didn’t think anything of it because we have dozens of mutual friends. Last night we were texting sweet messages to one another and boom. She lets me know that she smashed my boy who I’d brought up a week earlier. All of those great feelings dissolved into absolute disappointment. She thought I had a right to know and she clearly regrets this one night stand. We weren’t talking when they hooked up so there’s no element of drama or cheating, etc. I’m not the least bit mad at her. Just really disappointed to hear it. I mean that’s my boy and I’m repulsed by the thought of seriously dating her knowing that he’s been there. Shame really. I like to be able to get over it but I’m not seeing how. I hate to punish her for it. She really didn’t do anything wrong. Any advice that might help me get over it and keep seeing this woman?

  • Carin
    Posted at 01:38h, 18 April Reply

    I’m kinda in a dilemma at the moment, and I need help. So I just recently reconnected with an old friend, I use to mess around with. We had sex and are now texting everyday and talking all the time but problem is he lives in a different state so we don’t hangout much only when he comes down to visit a couple times a year. This has been going on for about 4/5 months now, but I know it will never be serious bc he made it very clean he doesn’t want a relationship. A close friend of his has been hitting on me for a while now.. and I’m wondering if it would be wrong of me to pursue this other man?

  • Barry Thomas
    Posted at 17:32h, 17 May Reply

    I’m in college (22) i found out that my girlfriend of 3 months (20) has sleep with 5 different guys on my football team in the last year and half. I found out about 3 of them through the grapevine (locker room talk, at the bar). Yesterday a teammate informed me about two more guys on the team that have smashed…… My ego is crushed. i always knew she had a past but i never wanted to talk about it. Sadly the past came to me. This is hard for me to stomach considering the fact I see these guys on a daily basis.

  • Ryan Hirsch
    Posted at 14:13h, 25 April Reply

    I’m really struggling to accept the fact thatone of my closest friends had casual sex with my girlfriend now (we’ve been together for almost a year now and everything’s quite smooth) to the point that im seriously considering breaking up with her.

    Here’s the story:

    I’ve always had a crush on Y (who became my girlfriend later on) and she confessed that she had a crush on me too. This happened BEFORE we began exclusively dating. One night, i invited her over to a house party where she met my friend (let’s call him X). Since i was busy entertaining other guests of mine, X and Y talked. X knew BEFOREHAND that I liked Y and that im planning to date her seriously. Despite this, she flirted with Y. They became good friends and X intended to date my her (although knowing X, he is just a guy who lures women by promising them relationships but his true motive is just to fuck them). X even asked permission from me if he can take her out. I did not respond. Fast forward, i discovered that my Y had sex with X.

    I cannot accept this.

    What i cannot also accept is her reason that she did not really want to have sex with X, that she proclaims that she does not have casual sex, that she only has sex with boyfriends etc. Could this be possible? Could u have sex withkut wanting sex. I really dont buy this.

    I dunno if i should still try to convince myself if i can still accept it or not.

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