Time and time again I have seen this scenario pop up. Girl meets boy, girl has sex with boy, girl and boy don’t work out, girl likes his friend, and then girl has sex with friend hoping for a relationship to come. Believe it or not it happens a lot. What always surprises me is the girls belief that the second guy will actually take her serious. She will buy into the belief that they are getting to know each other and how he is actually interested in being with her long-term. She will invest time and energy into this man expecting that he will continue to do the same. She sees a future with him but she seems to have forgotten one important thing…
YOU SMASHED HIS HOMIE! For those not familiar with that term it just basically states the fact that she had sex with his friend. Which is something many men frown upon when considering a potential wife. Sure he may still entertain that woman and have sex with her. He may have heard how good she was (yes a lot of men talk especially when they see you are now “engaging” with their friend) and figured he wants to get in on some of that action (I know that disgust some of you reading this but I’m just being honest). A lot of men can’t deal with the idea that a guy they see on the regular has been with “their woman”. He also doesn’t want to be mocked by some of his friends about him trying to be serious with a woman they may just view as a “hoe”. Yes I feel that can be immature but it happens all the time. Not to mention the thought of having a situation where they are all together in the same room if he became serious with that woman. That can be very uncomfortable for many so that man won’t even bother entertaining this possibility.
Yet many women will still believe there is hope for something serious and will continue to deal with him. Many will come to me because he still hasn’t made things official and she can’t understand why. The woman will run down a list of things she thinks may be hindering their progress and it’s like I have to stop and remind her “umm well didn’t you SMASH HIS HOMIE” (I don’t say it like that. I’m much more loving and gentle in my coaching sessions when needed). I’m thinking why are we acting as if this isn’t an important fact to remember. Yes we will discuss all possibilities but don’t leave that fact out as if it’s not relevant. I understand she doesn’t want it to be an issue but for most men it will weigh in on their decision of whether or not to be serious with that woman.
Even with all that said this doesn’t mean a scenario like this can’t work out. I have seen plenty of situations where men married a woman that they knew once slept with a friend. I have even seen situations where the woman slept with a family member previously and the guy still made a decision to be with that woman in a serious relationship. When some men see enough value in that woman or feel they have found love they will overlook a lot in their pursuit of laying claim to it. A man may experience plenty of women they “like” or “care about” but feeling like they are in love is a rare moment for a lot of guys and they don’t want to pass it up. Also the level of friendship they have with this particular guy plays a large role. The closer the friend the harder it gets to overlook a situation like this. Again it can happen and it can work but it takes a very mature or carefree approach for this to have a happy ending.
At the end of the day a person should know what they are up against. Understand that most men will struggle with this issue and are not willing to look past it. If that woman genuinely likes this man then she should be mindful of the circumstances. She should consider focusing on building a true bond before you have sex with him as well. If you are just looking for “fun” then that is your choice (I believe waiting is best) but understand the price that may be paid if you now want to something more serious with that same man. One more thing is a woman should be honest about it. Hearing something like this the wrong way and from the wrong person is a disaster waiting to happen.