As a child I was mentally, physically and sexually abused by my mother’s husband and found myself without a home my junior year in high school. For years, he would fondle against my vagina until he would ejaculate.
I would hide whenever I knew he was coming home, but he would always find me hiding in the closet and molest me. He delivered newspapers as a form of employment so he would make me go on his routes with him and have me sit on his lap while driving in order to get sexually aroused. Whenever I misbehaved, my punishment required for me to remain home from school in order for him to molest me even more. School was the only place I loved and felt safe because I could escape from my dysfunctional family. My mother was physically and verbally abusive as well and emotionally unavailable.
To make matters worse, when I was about 14 years of age, I was sent back to Haiti because my mother and her husband no longer wanted me to live with them. I was told that I would never return to the United States. Thus, I spent over one year in Haiti living with people I barely knew and jumping from one house to another. While in Haiti, I found out the perpetrator who I thought was my father was actually my stepfather (I was kind of happy about that). I also dated a much older man because he was providing me with food and other basic necessities. The lady I lived with at the time encouraged this type of behavior because she was benefiting from everything he was providing. In other words, I was being exploited and did not even know it. Finally, my mother felt sorry and brought me back to the United States. When I returned, I became very defiant and made a lot of irrational decisions.
Nonetheless, although the sexual abuse had ended, the verbal abuse got even worse. My mother always complained about my lack of respect for her husband so one day I asked her” why should I respect someone who touched me? I had no idea at the time what he had done was considered as molestation. Her response to me was “it takes two.” She also mentioned that I should never tell anybody because it would make the family look bad. She even told me I should respect him regardless of what he has done because he brought the family to America. Those words resonated with me for years and made me think that I was actually responsible for what he had done.
During My junior year in high school, my mother kicked me out of her home. To fill the lack of love and emotional support I wanted from my mother, I started dating men. Unfortunately, I dated men who were physically and verbally abusive and looked at me as a mere sex object. I was even more broken. Though deeply hurt and feeling emotionally distressed I wanted to die, but I decided not to give up on me. As a result, I developed a pattern of working several jobs and attending college simultaneously in order to keep my sanity. I guess that was not a bad habit to develop after all .The psychological implications that come from being sexual abused is very complex and it is a topic that I wish to study further in order to gain an even more understanding in order to educate society.
Here I was thinking that it was my determination and motivation that kept me going all these years, but it was really God who gave me the strength and courage to go on. For 22 years of my life, I was a depressed soul, blamed myself for being abused and looked for love in all the wrong places. Feeling very lonely due to lack of emotional support, there were days, I would literally cry all day and night and developed a drinking habit. I was in a very dark place and heading towards self-destruction.
Now at the age 26, I am completely healed and filled with joy. God has been my therapist. He has totally transformed my life! For once, I love me. Hence, this blog is for all the broken men and women out there. The best way to break free is to seek therapy and ask God for healing. Once you let it out, trust me, you will feel a whole lot better. At first, you will feel a bit awkward, but it’s worth it. Also, use your situation as a mean to motivate yourself to reach your goals and true calling(s). I have utilized my situation to empower young women and men who have gone through similar trials and tribulations.
However, you must forgive those who have done you wrong in order to move forward with your life.
Blessings and peace.
Joane is a Motivational/corporate speaker & Life Coach. Please visit www.joaneinspires.com to learn more.