dating a friends ex

Dating Your Friends Ex

Doesn’t suck when your good friend dates someone who you are extremely attracted to. I mean you really would love nothing better than to have them to yourself but you know you have to respect the boundaries (hopefully). They belong to your friend and it would look real bad for you to make a move on that person. Fast forward and now they are no longer with your friend. They broke up for whatever reason and it turns out the attraction is mutual. You want to act on it but maybe you feel it is a violation of your friendship…Give me a break! I mean c’mon people. You are two adults and neither of you are obligated to anyone. So why not just go make it happen? Is it really wrong to date a friends ex? Who the hell made up this rule anyway?

Honestly, when it comes to dating a friends ex I think it really depends on the situation. There are different variables that in my opinion make it understandable or make it a very questionable. Let’s take a look at some of these variables and how they tilt the scale towards do it or walk away.

DO IT because they were just a rental anyway. Yes you heard that correctly, that ex was simply a rental. What that means is that the relationship was never that serious. That man or woman simply wanted to have someone at their convenience and that person was who they chose to fill that void. Maybe it was cuddle season (fall holiday season to those who are not familiar with that term) or maybe they were just a rebound from the last failed relationship. Whatever the motivation, it wasn’t that serious. So why should it be hands off to you?

WALK AWAY because it really was something serious. I would never advise crossing this line when that relationship was something deeper or had a lot of history. It just isn’t worth taking that route and possibly hurting your friend with your decision. For all you know they still have not resolved certain issues from that relationship. Now they would have to deal with seeing you with that person and that would not be cool at all. So if you know that this dynamic existed then just leave the ex alone.

DO IT because they are so damn fine! I mean look at them, can you really pass this up : ). I’m joking people. How they look should not be what does it but if there is a genuine deep connection (not some we get along really well stuff, I mean much deeper than that) then I can understand the decision. Obviously this can get very complicated if your friend isn’t on board with this but a true connection should not be ignored. People find love in some crazy places and sometimes in some very difficult situations. I always support the pursuit of real genuine love but don’t let infatuation and lust get you caught up.

WALK AWAY because all you really want is some ass anyway. I mean if all parties are ok and on the same page then that is up to you as adults. I’m just saying it isn’t worth ruining a friendship over some sex. Yes you may be very curious and maybe you even heard great reviews from your friend. It is still not worth it. There are plenty of other people you can choose to have sex with if that’s what you want. It doesn’t have to be the person that was your friends’ ex. (Side Note: it is likely that if a man wants to date a friends ex then he just wants some ass. I will not say this is always the case but most men will not want to “wife up” the girl who already slept with his close friend. So when most men do make that pursuit it is because they want a piece of the action. I have seen far too many women sleep with a man’s friend still expecting for a real relationship to come. While he is thinking the whole time “is this chick serious?”. Unfortunately they won’t tell her that flat-out)

I didn’t go too deep with this one. We could have discussed factors like how long has it been since they dated?  Did they ever have sex or become intimate? Are you two really that close to begin with? As well as if the friend has moved on to better things or even married now. All these factors play into making this decision. Ultimately if you are truly friends with this person then you should be able to openly talk about your interest with them. Dealing with their ex behind their back will always be a recipe for drama. If everyone can handle it and is ok with the situation, then do what makes you happy. If you two can’t agree then you have to make a decision on what is more important to you; pursuing the ex or keeping your friend. Some people will say it is NEVER OK to date a friends ex. I feel that is for you and your friend to decide.

18 Comments
  • Regina Gilmore Heck
    Posted at 07:49h, 19 November Reply

    No no no no no…. I feel, no matter what kind of relationship they had- a friends Ex is OFF LIMITS! No matter how fine, considerate or delicious  he maybe….To me that’s just like sharing underwear…eewww! I don’t share anything/anyone who’s intimate to me or with me.  I’ll extend that courtesy to you and expect the same from those around me whom I consider my friends.

  • Ashida Onrae
    Posted at 12:55h, 19 November Reply

    Read the new post!!!  Thanks for staying focused!!! :-).  
    Respect for your friend and the friendship is the reason why I say dating your friends EX is off limits.  Not to mention, it cuts down on all the potential drama that can come along with it.

  • Moses
    Posted at 13:30h, 19 November Reply

    When I first started dating, I didn’t give a care.  A young mans world is pretty small, so if you date more than one young lady, you’re bound to “BUMP HEADS” as we guys say (No Pun Intended, it sounds crass, but it fits; oops did it again, No Pun Intended on the pun…).  I started changing my opinion when after it was discovered, the EX, would ask how was she in the bedroom, to compare experiences.  BIG mistake. I’ve always been a “NEVER KISS N TELL” guy. Period.  I would say to myself, “I guess that’s why she dumped your weak ass, fool. She sensed immaturity”.  And those girls would talk about their EXs! Why do yall do that?  Dating is completely different than picking up a fine sis at a restaurant or concert, or wherever and hittin it, and if you back in D.C hit me up kind of thing.  That’s when I decided, don’t date a friends ex.  Keeping in mind the age, this changes. I agree with all of Stephan’s points though.  Last year I had a deep conversation with a young lady that had no problem getting with a guy, then with a friend of his provided they realized it was nothing serious.  Both of these guys had girlfriends who were unaware of course. I don’t say this is wrong, it’s not for me, no matter how fine she may be.  Am I old fashioned? No, I recognize game. I prefer not to participate.  I my life, I personally know 2 EXs that came back and killed their estranged EX, and the replacement man, whom I also knew! 

    On my first serious relationship, while I was dating an older woman I found out after a couple of months of dating, she had been engaged with a guy I played basketball with.  I felt a bit uneasy, nonetheless, (like Stephan pointed out maturity lays a major role) we were good.  Problems arose when EX (popular guy, owned several clubs) found out, and did not like this young buck putting it down on his former FIANCEE.

    Like Stephan says:  Approach with maturity, and don’t kiss n tell.

    • Joelle Paule
      Posted at 21:53h, 19 November Reply

      How about u don’t even kiss at all? So u won’t have to worry bout telling or not telling? Just don’t think that dating ur friend’s ex is cool. As a matter of fact it should be a law put in place bout that cuz its just not cool!!

      • Mosesjustmoses
        Posted at 13:51h, 20 November Reply

         Exactly, all my friends EXs are TABOO.

    • Ms Sadly
      Posted at 15:48h, 20 November Reply

      younger men got energy that older women still have at any age. Whether we are 25 or 45, we can get down, but older men just lay there out of breath.

      • Moses
        Posted at 16:08h, 20 November Reply

         Please Elaborate 😉

        ….I wouldn’t say that as a blanket statement.

  • Ayo
    Posted at 13:47h, 20 November Reply

    I dont agree now I am hoping none of my friends find this so I wont have to see them with my ex. Everyone I ever went on a date with is off limits even if we never got serious 😛

    • Stephan Labossiere
      Posted at 13:46h, 29 January Reply

      lmao! stop being stingy Ayo. just plain greedy is what you are : )

  • Outspoken_Beauty
    Posted at 15:38h, 29 November Reply

    This is interesting because I’m going through something very similar w/a good friend of mine. I was approached by a guy that she met some years ago. She and the guy never dated, nor did they ever meet up after the day they originally met; all they ever did was talk on the phone. When the guy asked me out I told my friend and she said that it wasn’t a big deal. I felt like I should let her know to make sure that she wouldn’t have any hard feelings about it. Well, now the guy and myself are getting serious and my friend hates it. I found out that she’s been talking about me behind my back as if I stole something that belonged to her. When in all actuality they weren’t ever together.

    I have confronted my friend about the situation several times however she still denies that it bothers her. The guy and myself are going to continue to date, and we genuinely like each other. I know that my friend and I will not have a good relationship anymore because things have already changed and she has no idea how serious the two of us have become. I have run out of options with my friend, but what I won’t do is give up my chance at happiness because someone else has an issue with it. Friend or no friend she should be honest with herself and address what she’s really mad about.

    • Mosesjustmoses
      Posted at 11:01h, 30 November Reply

      Lady, I would say that Stephan’s first point ” DO IT because they were just a rental anyway” kinda-sorta-somewhat applies. Your situation is even less involved. If all they did was talk once-twice, and there was never any potential for a relationship, I agree with you 100%. Obviously you applied the universal rule “Approach with Maturity”.  You gave your friend the respect deserved. You should not slam the door shut on what can possible be a life of happiness with this man. He seems sincere, and you are obviously into him as well. Does he know what’s going on with Ms. (Lonely?) Friend? There might be several reasons she might be upset with you, not having to do with you, but that you found your KNIGHT and she has not. All might not be known. That’s just a possibility, who knows.

      Outspoken_Beauty, You have my vote, and I’m glad (unbeknownst to her) she did not block your blessing by continuing to develop something with this gentleman that could’ve fizzled out !

      Somebody gonna have a good Christmas! LMAO…

    • Mosesjustmoses
      Posted at 13:43h, 18 January Reply

      Hello Ms.
      How are things going with you? I hope things turned out better for you.

  • Supathickinla28
    Posted at 10:33h, 27 January Reply

    Im in a situation where my friend was constantly cheating on her ex and it got back to him. After they broke up he confided in me and we became close friends. She accused me of being a foul friend all along which wasn’t true bc I never looked at him that way during their relationship. Fast forward three months after they break-up and the guy and I are best friends but girl and I no longer talk becausethe guy are close but plutonic and I am uncomfortable around her, then as he and I get closer he shares his feelings for me. It wears me down because I have lost a long term relationship due to infidelity and I know what betrayal feels like. He and have become sexually involved and I don’t think I can truly look her in the eye and I can’t go forward with him into anything more bc of my fear of failure. Where am I on the list?

    • Stephan Labossiere
      Posted at 13:50h, 29 January Reply

      Well there are some other issues at play. If you and the girl are no longer friends then she isn’t really the issue here. Unfortunately that friendship was lost but if you were innocent of any wrongdoing then there isn’t much you can do about that. Your struggle with moving forward with the guy seems to be more about what you just stated “fear of failure” and the negativity that surrounds you two even getting this close to begin with (due to his failed relationship with your ex-friend). So I would encourage you to examine what is contributing to this fear of failure. What are you holding on to from the past that it paralyzing you in the present.

      • Anya
        Posted at 09:12h, 13 March Reply

        This happened to me after a 5 yr relationship my ‘bestfriend’ got with my ex and got pregnant 3 months later and decided she would let me know how I was never anything to him. Not to mention me and her were friends for 3 years of my relationship. I watched her cheat on her husband, sleep with our homeboys, have a baby, divorce, drama with family, car accidents, rape, life. For her to turn her back on me and be with him. Something I would have never done. Her monthly boyfriends tried and I told her but never went for their weak bait.

  • Supathickinla28
    Posted at 10:46h, 27 January Reply

    Correction me and my girlfriend don’t kick it bc she blamed me and slandered my name. I ended up falling for her guy. The guy and I enjoy each other’s company but idk if a relationship is brewing.

  • Claudia Keisha
    Posted at 20:56h, 25 February Reply

    Still a big NO NO to me.

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