My name is Tremayne Moore and I’m a sexual abuse survivor living with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). When most people think of PTSD, they think of military veterans who have experienced this due to war. Well I did serve my country from 1994 to 1998 but my PTSD is due to being raped and physically abused. Many don’t want to discuss this because it’s a difficult topic for people to face. The truth has to be exposed and we should no longer keep rape and abuse “a dirty secret.” So here is my story.
My uncle came to live with us in 1982 when he was ten and I was eight. He was my mom’s half-brother and he made my life a living hell. He had me do things that were forbidden by my parents and then I’d have to submit to whatever he wanted so that he wouldn’t tell. Sometimes he’d still tell and get me in trouble. In August of ’84 he started sexually abusing me. When it initially happened I didn’t think anything was wrong (I’d actually didn’t mind it). But after about a few more months my uncle would use that against me (basically make me get in trouble and then I’d have to give in just so he wouldn’t tell my parents). I was of course scared to tell my parents because they would believe my uncle over me (if I told my parents the truth my uncle would punch me repeatedly). This carried on for about 8 months. So, here I am at the age of 10 thinking this is OK.
In March of 1985, my uncle wanted to go back home to his mom (my grandmother). Not long after that, I told a classmate what my uncle did. I thought it was all fun and games. That spread throughout the school and the next thing I knew, I was sitting in the principal’s office telling them everything that my uncle did and that’s how my parents found out about it. I initially lied and said that it only happened once because I was afraid that I’d get in trouble. My uncle was so good at manipulating me to the point that my parents considered me a natural-born liar.
Another family member (female) took my virginity from me in June of 1985. It happened when I was preparing to go swimming and I was playing with myself (use your imagination), and my cousin caught me doing this. She took me into the kitchen and started to initiate oral sex. I was so scared because of what my uncle had done to me (and vice versa). Then she took me down to the basement and said that she was going to teach me how to have sex (she used a different word). Again, I was scared (she’s 13 and I’m 11 at this point). After about 5 minutes I loosened up and surrendered to her. After that this happened about 3 to 4 more times during the two weeks my sister & I stayed with her. Looking at it now, I have to admit that I was addicted to her as a person.
The next year my uncle was failing at school again and my mother wanted to bring him back into the house. My sister and I protested but we lost. My mother told me that what he did wouldn’t happen again and I still had to love him. I was so angry with this. The sexual abuse did stop but he still physically and verbally abused me. I would tell my parents about the abuse but he would say something else and I’d get in trouble for lying. Well fast forward to 1996 (I was 22 at the time) I finally told my mom the truth of what my uncle did. She seemed so nonchalant about it. In fact, she said, all I can say is I’m sorry. Truthfully, I feel better not speaking to her. I love her but need to keep my distance because it does not bring peace to my spirit.
I’m 38 years old now and having shared this story with you I’m sure there are some things you may be wondering. Some ask do you still experience urges? Yes, but it’s totally under control. I learned how to manage them due to the spiritual quest I started in 1990/1991. I remember borrowing somebody’s Student Bible. And there was a small note that dealt with sex before marriage. When I read it (in the summer of 1992), I thought about everything I’ve been through and made a vow to God not to have sex until I’m married. And to this day, I’m celibate and very grateful to God for that. I also had to learn to embrace forgiveness (both myself and my family members). I went through a span of 8-12 years (because my uncle sexually abused me back in 1984) of holding on to guilt, shame, anger and bitterness (more towards my uncle of course). I embraced that this is where I needed to forgive him but I didn’t forget (only because this is now my survival story).
**For more on Tremayne’s sexual abuse survival check out his book CLICK HERE**