Side Chick: 7 Reasons Why She Is Just His Mistress

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Side Chick: 7 Reasons Why She Is Just His Mistress

Posted by Stephan Labossiere in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating, Marriage | 75 comments
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side chick watching couple toast champagne

We live in a society where men having a side chick a.k.a mistress happens way too much. To some men having a woman without a side chick is like having a meal without a drink. Not good in my personal opinion, but there are plenty of women who go along with this dynamic. Sometimes it’s the part they choose to play and other times it is given to them and they try to deal with it. So why is that particular woman finding herself as just his side chick and not the main woman in his life? Well let’s take a look at some reasons why she may choose or be chosen for this role.

Because She Allows It

I always say that if you accept less than you will get less. Many who are side chicks simply allow themselves to be put into this category. They accept the game this man runs on them even when they say they want better than this. If she isn’t aware of the other woman then that is different. Plenty women are aware of the main chick and still choose to go along with the situation. The reality is that many side chicks will eventually if not initially want the top spot and most will never get it.

Side Chick Benefits

Let’s face it, some guys give a great benefits package to their mistress. Lavish gifts, bills paid, and all the two-minute sex sessions she could dream of. For many women this is worth the trade-off of not being the main girl. We can discuss whether this is right or wrong but I’m not getting in to that today. The benefits that the woman will receive including having more flexibility on when she does and does not want to deal with this man makes this arrangement work in her mind. She isn’t truly into him either so for her it’s less hassle and more fun as far as she is concerned.

She Fears A Real Relationship

The truth is our world is filled with damaged and hurt individuals. The disappointments in love and relationships have caused many people to operate with walls up. For some, what better wall to protect yourself than knowingly not being the only woman in that man’s life. Some women figure being the side chick is safer for their heart and emotions, while still providing them companionship at some level. Of course this is risky business because eventually many still develop an unhealthy attachment. Yet and still this situation is appealing to some who think they are “protecting themselves”.

She Only Offers Good Looks & Sex

Unfortunately many women have yet to reach their potential. They haven’t evolved as a woman and they simply get by on great looks and sex. For a lot of men, this is all they want in their side chick, so this woman is a perfect fit. If she wants to truly hold a higher position in a man’s life she then you has to provide much more value than this. For some guys this may be enough to get their top spot but she likely won’t be able to maintain it. A woman has to bring more to the table or be prepared to only get another woman’s sloppy seconds.

She Gets A High From Dealing With Another Woman’s Man

Obviously there is a deeper rooted issue here but at the surface this is an ego boost to many. She likes the fact that she has the next girl’s man running after her. She enjoys doing something that others view as wrong (forbidden fruit). There may be a bitterness factor at play because she has been burned and hurt in the past so this makes her feel like she is in control. It’s just a thrill for her and she really isn’t ready or willing to embrace something with real substance and effort (see #3).

He Can’t Bring Her Home To His Mother

Just because a man wants to have sex with a woman, that doesn’t mean he can ever see himself being with that woman. She will only be his side chick because of that fact and because he knows his family would not accept her as anything more. The specific reasons why can vary with each person and family. Ultimately she provides enough benefits to keep around but that man has to give his family a main chick they can embrace.

She Doesn’t Value Herself As More Than A Side Chick

Low self-esteem can drive people to deal with a lot less than what they deserve, and in this case accept the role of being a side chick. She may have bought into the lie that she can’t do better than this man. That she should appreciate the left over scraps that he feeds her rather than embrace that she deserves receiving a full meal of a man. Maybe she started off not knowing and after it was revealed she found it hard to walk away. Knowing and embracing her worth would help her find the strength to not accept this situation that she knows she is not happy with. This woman should not let that man set her value. She has to realize she is worth much more than this.

There are more ways to look at this topic of women being a side chick / mistress and other reasons to discuss. I will definitely be diving in to them in the future. I couldn’t possibly cover them all in one post but I figured this was a good place to start. Gaining clarity on why people do some of the things they do can help move everyone in a better direction. Make sure to comment and share what you feel are some of the reasons she is just his side chick.

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About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

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  • http://twitter.com/mosesjustmoses Moses

     

    Great post! This is a topic that I’ve had many many discussions about,
    and posted about. I have to (sadly) add so much of this comes from today’s celebrity
    idolizing. Too much crap from the radios and TV’s. Starting with music, esp a
    lot of the Rap/Hip-Hop arena.  Time and
    time again, today’s young adults adopt what rappers/singers put on the air. A
    rapper says his bitch likes getting slapped, so then it’s the latest fad, so
    all the 15-17 year old accept this as OK. A rapper has chicks everywhere he
    lands, so then many chicks  see that as a
    way to get in the Clique. An NBA player has his girl in his home state, and all
    other places he ballin, so there the chickenheads go wanna fuck a baller….. An
    NFL 3rd stringer has chicks in every state in his Division, and gets
    to punt ass in 4 states, one for each day he’s in practice.  Then add these reality shows. I ban them shits in my house. And I’m from the Bronx, grew up in the Bronx
    River Projects, Sound View, Fort Apache, Hunts Point, Willis, Barretto, all of that when it was at its
    worse. I still listen to rap, and understand  it’s just story telling. I also can’t blame
    rappers for putting out what they do or wanna do, or reality show (Actors?), they’re not raising my
    children. But a fire will exhaust if there’s no oxygen. This is just one
    aspect, but truth. Let the fallout begin. MOSES

  • Joelle Paule

    All the reasons u stated are valid yes but I will say this, if men would just stay away from other women that are not their wives! Maybe side chicks would not exist and would not take that role. Too many men are emotional pimps and a lot of women accept the side chick role to avoid the hurt.
    I was a side chick a long time ago and for a year trust me that man loved the shit out of me! I was even scared after a while that his wife would come and kill me one day. I didnt date him cuz of gifts etc… i liked his personality and the fact he was married never bothered me! It started to bother me later when he was talking bout he wants to divorce his wife!?

    • Jacquie

      You mean if you know a man is married YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Married men are that NOT AVAILABLE.

    • Realher_xo

      I agree. I think it’s funny that society actually believes that a man will have a side chick for just sex. I’ve seen men leave their wife for their side chick and they are beyond happy. Men tend to fall in love with these side chicks. So I don’t think y’all should bash a side chick.

  • http://twitter.com/UHeardMeRight Ty (SexySingleMommy)

    I agree with everything that you said and especially the point that “she allows it.” Too many women go for the “Okie-Doke” for the sake of saying that she has a man, even though he is only a “piece of man.” I really wish women would wake up but if the aren’t looking for a serious relationship and only interested in the benefits, I guess that works for her. However, if a woman doesn’t “know” for a fact that she is a side chick, her intuition tells her so by the way that he treats her.

    • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

      Women need to stop chasing the same men. Lets keep it real, there are a group of men that can sleep with an unlimited amount of women (seconds, thirds, etc.)

  • http://twitter.com/Team_Worship FinallyTeamLeatrice

    so true

  • http://twitter.com/Team_Worship FinallyTeamLeatrice

    this kinda hurts my heart so much. i have a soft spot for the second chick, especially the one who likes taking another womens man or insecured…the man benefits not the woman. when i was in this kind of relationship, i woke up.  i realized  he benefited and plus it’s all about sex. he gets what he wants. i dont. so i got out, and hve not been back since. but i understand why i stayed.  one of the 7 reason fit me.  it felt so good to be loved. it just so happen to be a man with a ring.  but that is not fair to the other woman at all. i wished women saw them selves better. i wished young girls and boys saw relationship as a thing to protect and not hurt. you know. but you cant save a fool. i was foolish but i’m no fool. wake me up and i’m out. wake up a fool and they only go deeper. i consider myself wiser.

    • jacquie

      You are not loved if he has 2 women you are used and deserve better. I have limited compassion for any female that wrecks a marriage a married man is that off bounds. However sometimes you don’t even find out they are married until it is too late.

  • An Honest Person

    i bet a woman wrote this, woman have men on the sidelines sometimes they just don’t get caught 

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Actually a man wrote this (me). I agree with you that plenty of women have men on the side. I plan to write about that as well but that is a separate issue from what this article is discussing. We have to learn to stay on topic if we ever want to properly address the issues many people face.

    • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

       You need to change your logic, being just as stupid as men gets you what exactly?

    • Angchronicles

      You’re funny. While I was reading it, I thought how many men do women have on the side.

      • Raquel Jo

        They have a lot. Not to bash but I remember my mom doing that behavior and still do. Its pathetic

  • TruthBTold

    Sometimes your post really makes me wonder….. Anywho what defines a side chick I really wanna know because many people dont know they are the side chick. First off let’s address the men that tell these women one thing and then tell the other women another. Men manipulate women into thinking that they are the only ones or that they are in horrible relationships and really want out because certain circumstances allow them not to like marriage, kids, finances etc. And when you start off as a man’s friend and he comes at your with the sob stories it makes it very easy to be a side chick lol. And then there’s the women that like other people’s men okay we dtermined they are less than women and they in my opinion are fatherless women. I dont know no normal woman that would enjoy sharing a man. Now to my main point if there is a main there is another woman okay. It’s like a meal you have the main dish and sides or you can have two main dishes lol.  There needs to be a clear word for one and only. Two main dishes has to explained because a majority of women are in this situation and dont know. Now one women may know about the other but they will always think they are higher than them, when actuality they are on the same level. Two mains are two women that are sharing a man equally now the man is obviously telling these women the same things and giving them the same perks they just arent aware of what he is exactly saying.  A broke man can have two main but the most common is a man with money so ladies be aware. I cant stand the term side chick because most women arent side chicks they are the other main. I ‘ve seen husbands spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with the second main honey so please understand men are manipulative creatures that are unfornately not alway able to practice monogamy. And yes it comes back to old times where men had wives. They like to have more than one this is a man’s freaking problem not the majority of women.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I agree completely that many men lie and manipulate the woman into thinking she is the only one and all the other things you mentioned. I just wanted to focus more on the women in these situations with this specific article but I do plan to focus on the men as well n the future. Now the woman who knowingly go along with this are not always fatherless women. Sometimes there are other issues at play that contribute to their willingness to be apart of these situations. Nice try on the “two main dishes” lol. That goes against the definition of the word “main” so I think it would be more accurate to say that there can be two side dishes/chicks but not two “mains”. I understand your dislike for the word but I do feel it describes what is really going on a little better. I feel both men and women can be very manipulative. I agree that too many men have embraced not being monogamous and this needs to change. At the end of the day both men and women (those who know whats going on) play a part and bear some responsibility in situations like this. This article was simply trying to discuss and help others understand why many women go along with it. With a better understanding we have a better chance at making the necessary corrections. 

      • Stace

        What makes a person the side chick if he does all the same things with both women. For instance, bring them around friends, family members, sleep overs, buy them things, go out on dates and take vacations etc?

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          Whoever comes after the first woman would be considered the side chick. Treatment doesn’t change the fact that he was already in a relationship with another woman. So being treated just as good or better would not change the perception by most that the 2nd woman to enter the picture is the side chick.

          • jacquie

            Any female that knows a man is married or living with someone gets all they deserve for trying to steal someone else’s partner – he is simply not available and instead of calling them side chick sex chick is more appropriate because that is all you are a bit on the side. If you like him you tell him to leave the relationship and when he is free to contact you but in most cases he won’t so find one that is single and respect yourself.

          • jhene

            I’m involved with a guy with a gf not a wife and I didn’t know about her at first. I don’t see myself as a side chick I’m pregnant with his child and he does for me financially

      • dee

        A main is not the main without the sides (if that makes sense). A main still has to share and in most instances, she is in no better position than the side chick. I would never want to be a main I want to be an only…

        • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

          Agreed and that makes perfect sense.

        • http://mommykilledmycatwiththekitchentable.blogspot.com/ Shannon Supahstar Neal

          a wife should be the main course in a mans life….and his sides should be his passions, hobbies, and interests. if those passions, hobbies, or interests are other women……then he’s not digging whats being served anymore….and eventually he will start throwing you under the table to the dogs. we deserve better than this ladies. do better for yourselves. :)

    • dee

      OMG! Thank you… my sentiments exactly!

  • http://twitter.com/marshalltalk MarshallTalk

    Most women are side chicks, they just don’t know it. Ladies you can’t have it all, if you care about things that are not all that important like looks and money you will be a side chick whether you like it or not. Basically if you don’t want to be a side chick you need to do two things. First, Close your Legs and make sure he knows he will have to earn it, or move on. Second, make it clear you better put a ring on it, if he can get it for free, it will always be free.

    • jacquie

      I totally agree.

  • Raquel Jo

    You nailed this one!! Women need stay away from another woman’s husband PERIOD! they are TAKEN! he is not theirs. Even if he is not married what make them think he’s not lying. I respect relationships and marriages. I even want a marriage one day. I would hate to see my husband with another woman and that’s what most women fear when they do get married. It is too mny side chicks and if they stop interfering they will stop breaking up homes and at least have somebody

    • Stace

      Oh boy!!! I would never blame another woman. If the man isn’t interested there will not be any side chicks or breaking up of homes. Pretty sure many have turned that same man down before but he won’t stop trying till he gets exactly what he wants. Stop blaming other women and put the blame where it belongs.

    • Neasie

      You can’t break up a home that wasn’t already breaking when you got there. When you actually get a Husband maybe you and all these other sanctified sinners can about own flaws instead of telling others who they shouldn’t or should not be with. If that spouse is not yours then don’t concern yourself.

  • Weareourmothers

    Sigh, when are we going to confront these men so that they have to be accountable for there wrong-doings? Tragic–we really live in a patriarchal society, and many of us don’t sense the societal programming of specific gender roles. As far as I’m concerned, nothing is sacred because no one is held accountable. Men, stop slingin’ that d$*#! And stay true to your vows! Women, if you find out your man’s cheating, take a few moments to think about…LEAVING! He would definately leave your ass if you were cheating–hell, he’s already “left” if he is cheating. It hurts so bad to see women suffer, exile to deal with the pain, then go right back to hum. To me, the man, more often than not, STILL benefits–he wins again! Maybe I souund like I hate men, but I can assure you that I do not. I just feel that both parties should be equally responsible for their actions.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      You are correct that both parties should be held accountable. This article is simply addressing one part of the overall issue but it is not attempting to dismiss what you have stated. Both men and women should stop engaging in this behavior if we are going to make things better in relationships. 

  • who cares

    you know what i think… WHO CARES!!… MEN CHEAT! WOMEN CHEAT… MEN Marry the WOMAN that wouldn’t put out… then cheat on that woman with a woman that will fulfill fantasies that the other woman put her self too high on the pedestal to do!!… face it we are all SLUTS AND WHORES just like my friend on youtube JAYSTAR said. so find that person that you love…. who cares who they are or who they are with right now or how much money they have and JUST LOVE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE and try TO BE UNDERSTANDING BECAUSE THOSE WHO JUDGE WILL BE JUDGED. PEACE YALL LOVE AND HAPPINESS

  • blahblahblah

    women don’t “allow” it so much as they are trained to accept the ‘boys will be boys’ nonsense we’re all brainwashed with. many women are raised with the idea that they have to do anything to keep a man happy, including putting up with utter BS, or allowing another woman to be a part of the picture. women were conditioned to do all of the above until the sexual revolution. more women are being taught to be independent now and figure themselves out so hopefully, this will translate into more women chosing situations that FULFILL them – so they don’t cheapen themselves and get pimped. men who do this type of thing lack empathy and rationalize why this behavior is appropriate because it is a social norm.

  • chickadee33

    Good article but you need an editor to review for grammar and spelling. Too many mistakes in this text …..

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      thank you and you are correct. I actually just found one and they are in the process of cleaning up all of my articles. hopefully from here on this will no longer be an issue.

  • Mrs. Spock

    All of this is interesting.

  • Romi

    To “who cares”. There’s a difference between accepting someone the way they are and allowing yourself to be treated as a doormat and completely throwing your morals and principles out the window. If something is wrong and can potentially hurt another person, choose to take no part in it. I know sometimes we fall in love and want to be loved but, trust me, these types of relationships do not go anywhere significant. You are wasting your time with a man that has those values to begin with.

  • 4eva_virtuous

    I love all your posts …but I think that you forgot a reason… #8 because she has no idea that she is a side piece. She’s oblivious to her status in his life

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      True but I left that one out because if she doesn’t know then there isn’t much to explain. We could only discuss the possible reasons she was chosen to be his side chick in that situation.

  • Woman of Great Faith

    Thank you for bring this out and up. I struggled for years on trying to figure out why every year in our relationship there was some form of cheating in it. What I finally realized was I was only good enough to him to be the main chick for show but when it came down to having a relationship or marriage that is not what he really wanted. In the end I realized he was still searching for someone or something and never really happy with what he had found so I left because he turned me into a side chick. After the separation he was just letting me know I was just a side chick he would only come by and see me late in the night after everyone else had gone to bed and no one could know he was here, when he was with her and I would text him or call him it would go to voicemail or auto reply busy, he would not call me in the day time so his family would not know that he was still dealing with me, yet she was the one going on family trips. I accepted this because I was trying to make my failing marriage work he accepted it because he was getting his cake and eat it to so I stopped it all together and felt a lot better about myself. Christians wives don’t let him turn you into a side chick because you feel like you are obligated by your faith know you deserve better.

    • Sherry G

      Woman of Great Faith I can relate to being turned in to the side chick in my marriage. I left too. Thanks for sharing.

  • jhene

    If a man isn’t married he is single I don’t feel one can be a side chick unless she’s dating a married man

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