So for the past few weeks people have been submitting questions they need advice on. One question that has come up a few times is “how do I tell someone I’m not interested without hurting them?” This is something that many people have faced at some point in their lives. Nobody really wants to be the bad guy, but is there much way around that? There are so many ways you can go about showing you’re not interested but they won’t always be received correctly. That person may also choose not to accept what you thought was an obvious sign because they can find ways to justify interpreting it in a different way. So I am going to lay out the most effective ways to let a person know you’re just not interested.
Just Say You’re Not Interested
I mean really, it is that simple. I know some of you are thinking “well that’s just mean”, but is it really? No matter how you choose to let them down, you can’t prevent the fact that it will hurt them to some extent. You can say it a million different ways but it all still means you wish to not entertain them romantically. Now don’t get me wrong, you shouldn’t be rude or nasty with it. You can deliver the message very nicely but it still must clearly state that you are not interested. When you choose to be vague for the sake of their feelings you actually risk hurting them even more. How you ask? By leaving any perceived open door that truly does not exist sets them up for a bigger disappointment. Not to mention when it isn’t clearly stated you allow them to try to interpret what you are trying to express. This can lead to countless hours of analyzing on their part which will still end in a way that leaves them unhappy with the fact that you just are not interested.
Another huge mistake that we make as people is telling a lie because we either : 1. Want to soften the blow 2. Afraid to reveal the truth for our own personal reasons or 3. We don’t say it because we don’t think that the reason will be accepted as valid or good enough. With number one, it is what it is. You only set themselves up for a false perception of what the issue is which in no way helps you or them. For instance, let’s say it’s because their breath stinks. If you don’t tell them that then how will they know to stock up on mouthwash and brush their tongue more thoroughly? Not to mention now they are up in the next persons face about to make them pass out. So you not only hurt them, but their next victim as well…shame on you! : ). For number two, well the truth shall set you free. Now that I think about it, 2 & 3 are kind of connected. Whether you reason is valid or not, it is simply your reason and that has to be respected. If there is something bad or invalid about your reason well you should still let it out because maybe there is something you need to learn and overcome. That will not happen by hiding your genuine reason. Lies are never good, but truth is always the key to progress and positive things to come. It may come off as harsh, but we all need tough love sometimes. Last thing about being honest, when you give a BS reason you leave the door open to nonsense in that situation. That person and other people may recognize it is BS because your words and your actions do not line up. Which now gives that person reason to dig deeper and that can turn into a bigger mess or a more persistent, relentless approach. Being honest will save you any extra drama and let that person know clearly that you are not interested.
There it is people; these are the two things you need to implement when trying to tell someone you’re not interested. It may never be easy nor will it be fun. Somebody being hurt cannot always be avoided, but we can manage how much “perceived” damage we inflict to them and to ourselves. Understand that some hurt is a good thing when it is wrapped in truth and a genuine attempt to handle things in the best way possible. Honesty is truly the best policy.
28 thoughts on “How to Say I’m Not Interested”
That helped give me a ((((((little)))))) bit of courage because I’m in it both ways ~ Not sure where I stand with one and not wanting to hurt someone else. Thanks for the info tho.
Well I’m glad I could help a little : ). For both situations being honest will help move things in the right direction.
Well I’m glad I could help : ). For both situations being honest will help move things in the right direction.
Well this is how I ended up entertaining the wrong guys..
meaning because you didn’t know how to tell them you aren’t interested you ended up going along and entertaining them?
This was quite helpful!
glad it could help : )
Nice.. I’m glad to c u telling ppl to jus b honest. Truth hurts, but lies hurt more. I’ve shut a lot of men dwn by clearly letting them know I’m not interested or no longer interested n c n them. I’ve got all kinda of feed back due to my bluntness . At least they can’t say I’ve never been honest. I’m not married nor am I into women but I jus may have to check out ur book.
Glad you enjoyed the article. Honesty is definitely the best way to go. Now I still encourage you and others to be tactful with your bluntness. It isn’t what we say, but how we say it that makes a big difference. Thank you very much, I really appreciate your willingness to check out my book.
Common sense really. But some don’t get it.
Being honest has become difficult for many, and it doesn’t help when so many don’t know how to properly receive the truth
That is so true, because apparently telling them I’m married is not telling them i’m not interested. they take that as “I like you, Im just locked down right now”.. And being nice doesn’t work either. Some men can’t take rejection very well. No matter how nice you are about the rejection they will curse you out or mistreat you. Why? I do not know. But being tough with your love is the best way. Just a thought. Thanks:-)~smile~
They curse you out because their pride is hurt, but that is a personal issue they need to address. Don’t even feed into the negativity. Continue to politely reject them, and if they persist remain positive but be stern. Eventually they will have to get the picture, some just try to use their persistence to wear you down and get you to cave in (they hope)
You’re right!.. Hitch once said that a no answer could mean get away from me or try harder stupid..They just need to learn the difference..I’ve tried it a few times and it worked so thank you:-)~smile~
This is very good!
thank you very much : )
This is great advice. Often people use the excuse “my ex is coming back for a blah blah -” I believe they do it to be nice, but if it is a lie, then the act of deception in a personal relationship seems such bad kharma. The truth might be hard, but it is always cleaner for both souls. I like your point that you might actually help the dragon breath one.
Exactly Caroline : ). Even when we think a lie is harmless it can possibly do more damage than we realize.
Great article! I agree, the truth will set you free!
I agree with just saying it. Many times people let their own ego get to big for their head! Don’t worry the person will get over it and move on. I think most of the time people want to keep them their because it covers for some type of flaw in them.
I love this advice, it really helpful
I had the biggest crush on a Co worker! He was all I thought about day and night. I was planning a wedding, looking for houses, even planning what our kids would look like. I had it bad! I made the mistake in confiding in a female coworker, she went and told him and he came to me and said because he is a man if integrity, he appreciate the compliment and I would make a great wife, but that he wasn't looking for a wife right now. He said he was trying to get a closer relationship with God. I was hurt, heartbroken, but relieved that he finally knew how I felt. That was two years ago, we still work together, but he is now saying someone from his church! I guess I just wasn't the one for him, the funny part is that I still love him……lol
that's life cuzin you live and learn when god sends you your husband you will know
Thanks Keya, but not only will I know, he will know!
mr right will find you take it easy
My problem is my ex. I really want to be friends with her but am not in the slightest bit interested in anything more, but i fear if i tell her this she might cut me off, which i also dont want 🙁
I have been having a problem with a man who approaches me in our local restaurant. When we first met I felt strange about him because as soon as he saw me, he veered over toward my table even though there were plenty of empty seats in the room. He sat where diagonal to me so he could keep looking without appearing to stare. When I was leaving I had to walk by him. He asked a question, I responded and left. Ever since then, every time I am in that restaurant he comes flying in there like he is on a mission to find me. I go in there at odd and unpredictable hours. This started to feel strange when I saw this pattern emerging. He even parked himself at my table w/o asking. If I am there with a friend, he will sit at the next table, facing sideways looking directly at the side of my face. He tries to work his way into the convo. He is not a kid, he is about 60-65. I mentioned to him that it felt like he had me lo-jacked, I wanted to know, because there were too many coincidences to be coincidental. I purposely sat behind him out of his line of vision when i saw him there one day. He turned around and saw me. When i left, he followed me up the street in his car. Calling to me wanting to give me a ride. I said no thanks and kept walking. He plays the innocent who gets offended if you ask what he is doing, like a “who me” ? person. I can tell him to let me alone and i am not interested, he could deny that he had any interest and doesnt know what i am talking about. My one friend who is usually there with me, also noticed what was going on. I would say I wonder if he is going to appear, and he would show up. We just wanted to have a place to go where we could speak privately and freely as friends. We were both being harmed by a mutual neighbor, so we had to leave our complex to speak freely and to get away from our neighbor. I enjoy it when i see the regular people and to greet them as acquaintances. That is all. I find him to be very intrusive. I dont know what to do. Can you give me a heads up on this situation? Thanks
Sorry I’m not interested or want to be available for a person giving advice that doesn’t know all the facts and going off your opinion