Pages Menu
TwitterFacebookexpert stephan labossiere googleplus life coach stephan speaks instagram college speaker stephan speaks youtube
Categories Menu

Posted by on Sep 18, 2012 in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating | 48 comments Tags: , , , ,

She’s Just An Emotional Pimp – How Women Use Men Too

emotional pimp woman kisses friend on cheek

Men are always getting a bad rap for their pursuit of sex. They are dogs, selfish, and just plain old disgusting pigs who will do plenty of wrong to get some ass. If sex was a job, then many men would gladly apply…wait, it is job and it’s called porn. Moving along, they are just despicable and many of them will simply use women for their sexual benefit. Now what about the women? Why are they getting a free pass for the crap many of them do. I mean it is hard for me to say with a straight face that they use men for sex. Only because most men would welcome the opportunity to be used sexually so it isn’t really anything most will take issue with. What many women do is take advantage of men who desire them by taking free meals, benefits, time, emotions, and his listening ear. In essence these women are what I like to call an “Emotional Pimp”.

You see many women get mad at men for taking advantage of their interest and using it to turn their hopes of a serious relationship into convenient sex. A lot of women just refuse to realize and acknowledge when women do the same thing in principle to get the things they desire or value. Now I am not trying to say that a woman giving up her body should be equivalent to a man giving up his time and hard-earned money. What I am saying is that in many cases they are valued equally to their respective genders. Basically if a man uses a woman just for some ass, and then leaves her high and dry, she will be hurt. She will feel like she wasted her time, she will feel violated, and now her guard is up even more when the next guy comes around. Well guess what, when a woman uses a man who is interested in her for his time, emotions, free benefits, etc. That man will be hurt, feel violated, and now he also will be more guarded with the next woman. Do you see what I am saying here? Men disguise their pursuit of ass with the title of “dating” or claiming to be your “boyfriend”. In principle many women are doing the exact same thing in their pursuit of companionship by disguising it as “dating” and sometimes even “friendship”. So tell me, what the hell is the difference? Many women value companionship and the extra free benefits is a huge incentive to going out with some guy that she knows she has no real genuine romantic interest in. Plenty of women have taken that date just because they were hungry, bored, or wanted to talk to somebody about whatever. None of her reasons line up with the real reasons he is asking to taking her on a date (get some ass, work towards a relationship, or both). In cases where the two people are genuinely “just friends” then of course this is not an issue. Same way when two adults have a sexual agreement/understanding in place then nobody should cry foul. The problem is when one of those two people knows they are not on the same page, yet they lie or play along to get what they want. That man is hoping for a chance to be with her, and all she does is abuse his desire to want to prove his worth to her. Sound familiar to any of you ladies? So let’s stop acting as if many women are not engaging in the same kind of foul behavior as many men do. Some Emotional Pimps have several “b**ches” they keep on call. Some Emotional Pimps have a “main b**tch” that gives them what they need and deserve in a relationship, while the man who is actually their boyfriend treats them like crap and still gets the benefits.  Bottom line, the Emotional Pimp game is real people, and at the end of the day somebody is going to get hurt.

As always there is much more I can say about this. What men and women simply have to learn is STOP LYING! Stop using people and taking advantage of others who want to be with you. Be real with your intentions and desires. We could avoid so much nonsense and unnecessary damage if we were not so damn selfish. Some of you hide behind the fact that you did technically tell them the truth, yet you still knowingly take advantage of them holding out for hope. I spoke about the women today, but you better believe I will have a post specifically for the men on this same kind of behavior (my friend calls those guys Emotional Rapists). We all need to do better by taking a better approach with how we deal with each other. To the women, if you have ever complained about how men use women, then you really need to check yourselves on what you are doing to some men. I know men do a lot of crap, but two wrongs don’t make a right. So put your Emotional Pimp hand down, and set free your b**tches : )…it would be best for the both of you.

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

  • http://twitter.com/Nickolus_Prime Jus Another NiceGuy

    I love the fact  that your posts are short simple and to the point. This article revealed to me of a prior situation where I was an emotional b****. It really explained it to me.  I def. agree both genders need to stop stringing each other along.  

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Thanks man. The reality is this has happened to plenty of men whether they realize it or not. Like you said, people are too afraid to genuinely define the relationship and that needs to stop.

      • Nice…but aware

        And, Stephan, the height of that selfishness you speak of is when they not only use you but also put forth gestures designed to make others think there’s a relationship there – or in other words, they make an “effort” to block the genuine interest someone else may have…gotta keep the “good thang.”

  • Joelle Paule

    Damn Stephan! you went IN on this post SHISHHHH But I gotta say, once again GREAT POST. I’m not even going to front, I was an emotional pimp at some point of my life. Maybe now all the hurt and lies I told those guys is hunting me down. :(

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Thanks Joelle. That is good that you can acknowledge your old pimping ways lol : ). Just start taking the right approach now and you won’t have to worry about the past hunting you down.

  • Sasha

    Group hug?

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I burst out laughing when I read your comment smh lol…you are wrong for that : )

  • http://www.facebook.com/calley228 Cat Alley

    I don’t understand people who are not upfront. One time when I was much younger and very fullish I dated a guy for way to long, that now looking back was very unhealthy that I should have let it go.  I learned from that mistake and have been upfront since.  If I want you for your a** then I am going to tell you and make arrangements and lay down the rules.. if I want you for more I will tell you that upfront too.  If you can’t play by what I want then it is not worth either of our time, because I sure don’t have a lot of free time.

  • Dolly

    i totally agree as i see it happening 1st hand to a friend. this girl uses nagging & reinforcement(if you love me) as well as manipulation to get him to do things & act a certain way/change who he is..she hides behind religion a lot & says she “just gonna have faith”

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Well if he shares her belief in GOD then he should take a moment to pray and ask if this is really a woman he should be entertaining.

  • http://www.facebook.com/laquita.banks LaQuita Karmah Banks

    I wish everyone was upfront and honest as you all are. Thanks for sharing your personal stories. There comes a time, eventually, where you will have to be upfront because it will all come back to you. You know what they say about karma….

    Great post :-) 

  • Pooblyshus39

    This is a Great Post!! I love the real talk..The only thing is Emotional Rapist. How about Emotional Hounds..Sounds great to me!.. Rapist ,in my opinion, is too stonrg of a word. Because when a person is raped they are robbed of something that they werent willing to give. In this case the woman/man is going into this”agreement” with their eyes wide open. ..They know the way this person is from the beggining and they still think to themselves, “i can change that”..lol. Just my own personal thought!. Being real with the ladies/men might just get you what you really want.. And if  thats not what she/he is looking for. Move on. Most people need to hear the truth even though it may be ugly. Its needed. At least you leave knowing that this person has more respect for you. They may not show it at the time but its there. Like YOU said, Being Real is the only way.  

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I think the word needs to be strong and drive home the point of how damaging some of this behavior can be. Most men are not entering this “agreement” with genuine intentions. So in many cases some are essentially being robbed but I agree they have some responsibility to take on in the issue as well. I just posted the Emotional Rapist article so you can see how that is broken down.

      • Pooblyshus39

        REALLY!! :-).. You know I have to read that one….kool!!

  • Dylan
  • PassedCPAEXAM

    Exactly, I’ve paid for many dinners, drinks, brunches, bought flowers to this one young woman’s job, as what I thought would be a pleasant surprise or nice gesture (as she was off that week and by time she got the flowers, they were dead), but in any case, you don’t see me writing a blog about I TREAT ALL THESE WOMEN TO DINNER AND BROADWAY SHOWS AND I DIDN’T GET ANY ASS IN RETURN! Basically, your approach is all wrong, in calling it a problem for one. It is what it is. I generally treat all women with respect and if we vibe and get to sex, so be it. If we enjoy the sex to both our benefit and respect each other, so be it. If she or he wants to put labels on it right away and the other person isn’t directly up to the label but do not want to lose the benefits of what comes with the label, so be it. I myself, do not believe in labels. If I’m around you enough, and especially if we start spending alot of quality time together, obviously I like you. There is never a reason to put a label on it unless I ask you to marry me. If you feel I am taking too long to marry you, try the ultimatum approach, which more likely than not, will get you dismissed or maybe a promise and then maybe a disappointment, unless of course he is really head over heals in love with you; even still I’m not jumping into marriage until year 3, after I’ve considered it in year 1, bought the ring and asked you in year 2. And depending on the age of the guy, even 3 years is a stretch. There is just no need for a 25 to 26 year old guy or even 30 to rush into marriage.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      There is a misunderstanding here. This article is not saying that a man who does these things for a woman is a problem. The issue is when women use men who they know they have no romantic interest in to extort these benefits. When they use a man’s desire to their advantage and string that man along for their convenience. People can do as they wish but understand that the lies, leading people on, and flat out using people causes a lot of damage.

  • http://twitter.com/WhoseApple Linda F Williams MSW

    This one inspired my very first blog.  Since you are mentioned, you might want to take a look (http://whoseappleblog.wordpress.com/2012/11/04/shes-just-an-emotional-pimp/). 

    Thanks!

    Linda F. Williams

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Well congrats on starting a new blog. That is great to hear and I’m glad my blog could contribute to inspiring you : ). I will definitely go check it out.

  • Fresh2Def

    This post make me wonder if im dealing with an emotional pimp  or if its something else. Ive been invovled with this woman for just over a year. When we first me, i had nothing. I was living at my parents house, i didnt have a job and I was not driving. When we first met she told me up front that she was single, she had a friend but it was nothing serious. We started off dating, then a few month into the relationship there was a domestic incident involving her ‘friend’ anh ahe police had to be called in when she told him she didnt want to deal with him anymore. The crazy thing about this is it seemed like she got mad at me when this happened and I had nothing to do with it. I tried to be there for her and she pulled a way for a bit and we briefly stopped talking, a few weeks passed and we started kicking it again. Now since then a lot has changed. i moved out and got my own spot, got a new job and a new car! We have been out many times, we take trips together, she has met my famyly and I have met hers. the issue is this: when we first met we were dating and things were moving along well. Then at some point, out the blue, she expressed that she wanted to be friends. She had an emotional breakdown that night and I never could quite find out what happened or what changed. I know she has been hurt in her past by men, from her father, to an ex-fiance that she found out was gay, to the physical abuse she experienced from her ‘friend”. The confusing part for me is that I get mixed signals. She will text me in the mornings, we spend a lot of time together, she got me nice things for valentines and my birthday and we go out together. We have have our arguments but we always reconcile. Lately, she has been having financial issues so I stepped in to help her with a few things. But its been over a year and she still maintains that she just wants friendship, we never had sex even though we made out many times early in the relationship. i dont know what to make of it. Cuz like i said when we first met, i had nothing and she would pick me up and let me drive her car and stuff like that. But i want more and i have expressed it to her. She once told me before that she is afraid to get hurt again and never want to be as vulnerable as she once was and that when she feels herself falling for someone she feels like she subconciously sabotages the relationship. So can you help me out and bring some light to this situation? Is it all an elaborate pimping game or is it something else??

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      “I know she has been hurt in her past by men, from her father, to an ex-fiance that she found out was gay, to the physical abuse she experienced from her friend”…”She once told me before that she is afraid to get hurt again and never want to be as vulnerable as she once was and that when she feels herself falling for someone she feels like she subconciously sabotages the relationship.”…Those two statements say a lot. In my opinion this is not her simply wanting to Emotionally Pimp you. Yes that is what she is essentially doing but in the article notice I mentioned those people have no romantic interests yet they continue to use the person. That is where I see a big difference. An interest exists but she does not want to embrace it. Friendship with you is her safety zone. She is able to be fulfilled by you mentally and emotionally without having to risk her heart and be vulnerable. To her she has a good thing going with you and she doesn’t want to mess that up (in her mind taking things further with you will somehow end in disaster just like all the other situations in her life). She may possibly love you more than any other man but to her why would she want to put herself in a position to be hurt by the one she loves most. So she will try to hold on to this friendship and keep it as is. You obviously have deep feelings for her and you are probably not sure how long you can deal with all of this. I received your email so I will continue with the rest of my input by replying to that message.

  • jazz

    I agree that both genders need to be honest with their intentions. However, I don’t think it’s wrong to go out with a guy for a free meal. I went on an outing with a guy. I was hungry. We hung out. It was our first date, so I didn’t know up front that I wasn’t going to like him. He wasn’t physically my type, but I wanted to get out the house and eat and enjoy some male company. He ended up boring me during dinner, so I never called him back. But I don’t think I was using him. Men casually date too, not just for sex, but just for the fun of it. Now, if I led the dude on like I liked him, then I would be wrong. But I never told dude I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. He even called me out on the “date” and said, “you must’ve was hungry tonight.” And I honestly said “yes. It’s hard out here for a college student.” Hey, I was honest lol. 

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Lmao spoken like a true Pimp ; ). I understand where you are coming from but come on now. “He wasn’t physically my type” so you knew you weren’t going on this date to see where things can go. You went because as you stated you were hungry lol. That man initiated this date to get to know you and court you. You used this to your advantage. So yeah you didn’t tell him you wanted a relationship and all of that but you also didn’t let him know you weren’t physically attracted to him and only agreeing to go because you were hungry (at least not until after you started eating) lol. 

    • Deborrah Cooper

      The problem is men go out on a date with someone they don’t know hoping for a score at the end. Some benefit. Sheeeittt. Nothing guaranteed in this world playa. You get in where you fit in! Men want all kinds of guarantees and contracts just cause you went on a date. Not gonna happen. You take a risk and throw the dice. Sometimes you win, but most times you lose. You at least had a chance with her. If nothing comes of it means you did or said something that let her know you weren’t her type. Get over it! At least 60% of the time men were in there good but they f***’d it up by talking too damn much about crap that turned the woman off. Or they sit there like a bump on a log and are about as exciting as watching a golf match so she gets bored. If she is bored at dinner she knows she will be bored in bed too. And THAT my dears is why you don’t get no ass.

  • Mr. Wiser

    I was emotionally strung along by an ex-girlfriend. I treated her bad in the past and I tried to prove I was a different man now. Well, after a few dinners at fancy restaurants, she sprung the “lets be friends” offer. I was officially in the friend zone. It could have been a revenge move, but she clarified it by saying, she didn’t want us to end up like before and she thought about it day and night. But I didn’t get anything out of that decision. Now she’s free to connect with other men, and I’m stuck looking again. I got the answer by pressing the issue, because at some point a man has to stop being a sucker. Just recognize it before you’re broke, financially and emotionally.

    Now that’s over, I’ve met better women that told me upfront what the deal is. Guys, don’t commit to a woman that can’t communicate her intentions. If it starts out as I don’t know or we’ll see, BEWARE!

    Since I loved her, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, over looking the obvious signs in “hope” of things working out again. Nope. Don’t hope for anything, true love comes to you through communication with your partner, confusion and disappointment comes from hoping. I’ve learned my lesson.

  • Ayanda Sithole

    Guilty as charged! I never thought a man would notice this O_O. I always felt they’ll see it as ‘the chase’ .I’ll be a better woman from now.

    • Chris

      It’s not a chase when you have no intention of getting caught.

  • Cleopatra Huff

    It’s so interesting that I should come across this post, because I’ve been doing some recent self-examination regards this.  I’ve met a few guys, as of late, who seem to be nice & were definitely into me but I wasn’t into them.  Yet, I enjoyed having someone around who would compliment me, say they missed me/thinking about me & liked this/that about me.  I feel this is a natural feeling but I felt bad because I had no intentions of being in a relationship with them.  So, I’d tell them that though I appreciated the interest, I couldn’t give them what they desired. This all happened within a few hours of knowing them, so I didn’t waste their time.  But there were some who said, “We can be friends,” but I quickly could see that friends wasn’t what they wanted & they were probably hoping to change my mind….which wasn’t going to happen & I told them so.

    I said all of that to say, that I don’t want to be an “Emotional Pimp” & this article has REALLY helped me see this, even more.

    Thank you for writing it & holding us women to “the flame.”

    Cleopatra

  • Woman of Great Faith

    I married an emtional rapist and he did exactly what I thought he would do he was there as long as he was getting benefits when he found some else to give him that he divoiced me

  • Lady J

    I LOVE this article. I have to admit it is definitely true. I’m proud to admit that I am always up front with men about where I stand. I don’t like being led on so I don’t lead HOWEVER after I’ve made my stance clear I am no longer responsible if that man feels that him being nice is going to get him perks & he ends up left high & dry.

  • Norris Osby

    This is why I don’t like women who are fresh out of a relationship. I always give them a week or two so they can sort out how they feel. If they feel they still feel like talking then its cool

  • Popalock

    Brother you are on point. I posted a story once on a guy receiving a woman’s number and calling it after telling the woman he had a GF and the women went crazy. I let it set for 2 days and then told posted that really the roles were reversed and all I got was “SNAP”, you wrong for that, but no statement as to the woman’s action. I see both male/female on the same level to a point. Thanks for the topic and discussion.

  • Jene Tillis

    The problem is men typically don’t state their intentions and still show u some form of respect….age old problem. I must say if I can find a man who wants to take me out show me a good time without any commitment I’m fine with it the difference is I’m going to show you respect.

  • Relax

    Normally, I agree with a lot of the posts…but this one is not on point for a couple reasons, and I’d hate for men to get the wrong idea.

    1) Women don’t make a split decision on if a man is someone they would like to date or see long term, or have a relationship with immediately. It’s going to take a number of dates or outings to get to know someone’s personality or find out if you are compatible. So if you are dating a women extensively, don’t assume you are her b…..
    She may just need more time to get to know you!
    2) A number of people date multiple people these days…so sometimes she (or he) may make a decision while you are dating to choose someone else who better compliments her (or him). She may be unsure because you both have good qualities…this doesn’t mean she is using you.
    3) She may be working, going to school, raising children…this means she may be more focused on her own goals and dating/mating may be not as much as a priority…Again, this does not mean you are her b….., she just has other stuff going on besides you, and hopefully, you do as well. Again…nothing to make her a vampire intent on using you all up….just a well rounded person with goals…

  • Debra Williamson

    That’s why I don’t go on dates with guys that I have no interest in. People keep saying just go out with him, maybe he has friends that you can meet. Why do that to someone who you know is interested in you? I don’t go on a date with anyone that I don’t like or don’t have an interest in….period. Now, if a guy knows you’re not interested in him and still wants to be your friend, that’s different, but that can backfire too, because he’s probably still hoping he can change your mind. I’d rather just wait until I meet someone that I sincerely like.