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Posted by on Jan 7, 2013 in Advice for Women, Dating | 46 comments Tags: , , , ,

He Says He Loves You, But He Doesn’t Show It

says he loves you but ignores woman on couch

Time and time again I get to speak to women who are trying to figure out where they stand in their relationship. Sometimes it isn’t even an official relationship. Just a situation with a man whose words and actions don’t seem to line up. They are left confused because they want to believe the words coming out of his mouth are true. Yet when the time comes for him to step up and show her he means it, his actions or lack thereof have her questioning what the hell is really going on here. How can this man say such wonderful things like “I love you” “you’re the one for me” or even “I need you in my life” but continue to fall short with what is needed to validate these words.

Because he is telling you a lie…plain and simple. I don’t want you to feel bad when I say that but I do want you to grasp what the likely scenario is. I understand there are some men who struggle with showing their love. I am not dismissing the possibility of this but as you continue to read I will show you how the situation still needs to be handled in a similar way to the liar. For now let’s focus on the man who is simply playing a game and telling you what you want to hear. Both men and women should understand that words mean nothing if they aren’t backed up with actions. I could tell a woman who I would fly to the end of the earth to go see her. Knowing damn well I wouldn’t even entertain going on Priceline to see what the cost of a ticket would be. Many men will say whatever is necessary to keep you around and drag you along for the ride. He is being honest if he says “I want you in my life”. Because he wants to keep those benefits you provide that don’t require him to make any real effort in providing you what you need. I know many of you are thinking how this is just horrible. How could a man be so selfish and not just let that woman go in fairness to her. Well I have a question for you. If you applied for and got hired by a job which then proceeded to let you do whatever the hell you want. You can come when you want and put minimal effort into your work. Despite your poor performance they will still give you a full paycheck every two weeks. How many of you will still be “mature” or “righteous” enough to leave that job because it isn’t fair to the company? I’m not condoning this negative behavior by men and I do say it needs to stop. Just please understand how tempting it is for a person to take advantage of this. You can wait for them to take the high road or you can put the power in your hands and do what is best for you.

Now let’s quickly discuss the man who struggles with expressing his love properly. For one most men struggle more with saying “I love you” over trying to show you their love (what they know love to be). So that already works against the chances that this man has a genuine issue. That kind of guy just needs the directions and his actions will be adjusted if they don’t currently line up with what you need. If he is genuine about his issue then the key is him making an effort. If you express to him how you feel in a loving manner and he still doesn’t step up then he is likely playing you. It’s like telling a man you want to hear from him more often by him giving you a call. He then says “well this is how I’ve always been and I don’t know how to change that”. What does he mean he doesn’t know how to change that? Pick up the damn phone and call your woman sometimes, end of story. I mean his unwillingness to make adjustments when you give specific requests is a huge red flag. He is making excuses and you should embrace that you deserve better. Still let’s say I am wrong and this man has a deeper issue that is blocking his ability to show love with actions. Well that means he isn’t ready to be in a real relationship which you then have to walk away from him just like you should from the liar. If you feel you should try to help him then do it as his friend. Not as the woman who gives him everything while you receive nothing or not much (so no friends with benefits). If he can’t learn to show love to you as a friend then he will never do it as your “man”.

Ultimately this boils down to this; is this guy willing to be the man you need. Is he willing to put the same effort you are prepared to put into this relationship. We all have our off days but is the guy consistently good with some days off or consistently  bad with some good days sprinkled in there. If he is the latter than it is likely you should walk away. When he is ready to step up with actions and not some sweet talk, then you can consider entertaining being with him. You have to embrace your worth as a woman and what you deserve from a man. If you accept less than you will get less and it is your responsibility to correct that.

Get your copy of my bestselling book God Where Is My Boaz: a woman’s guide to understanding what is hindering her from receiving the love and relationship she deserves – on  KindlePaperback, or Audio Book format HEREYou can also get the PDF version HERE  

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

46 Comments

  1. Another GREAT post Stephan! You ROCK!

  2. Stephan…I am in this situation right now. It is very difficult to keep hearing this, but thank you…

  3. Thank God for Stephan and this blog. Actions speak louder than words, I am from Missouri(Show me state) I often say this and people laugh; I am dead serious :)
    It’s even hard to find a man who will be honest with you, let alone the find the one who will show you how he feels about you? That’s probably impossible to find these days SMH

  4. true!

  5. Thank you for telling the truth! U just healed a lot of women’s hearts.

  6. Very interesting article, I couldn’t agree more.
    This is exactly as valid the other way around: from a woman in a mans eyes. I have had this happen to me in my last “relationship” with a woman and I can attest to this. I’ve dragged it for too long in my inner hopes of believing her words to be true and that she was just confused. Tip: Stop talking to him/her for at least two weeks(yes, it’s very painful), sort your feelings and thoughts. From two weeks onwards you’ll begin to realize how much he/she really needed you for sure -oh, but dont just fall for the first weak attempt from him/her to contact you, else you’ll invalidate the process. From them on you’ll be able to see the relationship with new eyes, feeling less needy and more disappointed with the person, and probably realizing you forced yourself to believe in the person words in the past but he/she didn’t actually really care about you. This is something you can’t just realize while in the relationship.

  7. This was me for a few yrs on and off with my ex. I believe he truly loved me but his actions did NOT support his love 4 me as his woman.  Even gave direct suggestions and had those “talks” several times but he for the most part came off as if I was coming out of left field with these discussions and making things up.  Many times he made an effort to do better but things always went back to the same thing/ways I had issues with. I was no rosy peach I had my issues as well but I know how I felt, what I observed and what I did not like that was happening with us. We even tried counseling.  During those brief sessions I came to see that he did NOT want to come to true grips with whatever it was he was struggling with inside himself. One big closed shell that did refused to open up.  Sad part is he was the one that suggested the counseling.  There was nothing I could do to help him but something he had to do alone.  Eventually I moved on, never looked back. I am much happier. Still single but happy!

    • SO glad that you realized that it was not your job to fix him, and that you deserve better, much better. I just prayed for you to find a good man that treats you like a queen. Settle for nothing less.

  8. This has helped me so much. I knew this all along but I kept making up excuses for him, I been with a guy for a year and he told me everything I wanted to hear, moved in with me, then started showing his true colors. Now I’m stuck not knowing my relationship status while he is out of the country(military). He doesn’t do anything to show me he love me and I give my ALL in the relationship. He says he is not affectionate and don’t like to kiss but mind you he did all these things at the beginning. I been over it and I know I deserve better. Do I wait until he comes back or move on now?

    • If you know in your heart you are done then there isn’t much reason to wait. I would just encourage you to communicate this to him and be open and honest about how you feel. 

  9. this really help…i’ve been with my bf for 2months the first 1month that i’m with him he say all the words that most women likes to hear from a man he do all the good stuff but a few weeks later he change and he can’t even say I LOVE U if i’m not the first one to say it…what might be the best to do with this situation…I really Love him so much but i can feel that he’s starting getting not interesting to me.he eevn don’t text me or msge me if i dont do first…stupid but I still feel in love with him

    • You should talk to him and express your concerns in a loving and positive manner. If he isn’t willing to make an effort to make things better then holding on will do you no good. Be open to any issues he may also have with you but isn’t fully expressing. it’s all about proper communication but if there is no desire to make things better on both ends then it may just be time to walk away.

  10. Hmmmmm thanks 4 dis piece, it jes enlightened me and helped me c better

  11. Stephan, what advice do you have on what actions a woman should take in this case, especially if you are in a relationship? What to do or say for example?

    • I believe the best thing to do is express how you honestly feel. Don’t attack with the message but open up in a loving and positive manner. Let it be known what are some specific things you would like to see more out of your partner and always be mindful that there may be some things you can improve upon as well. After that he has to be willing to put in some effort and start making adjustments or you just may have to accept that this is not the man for you (or he isn’t ready/willing to be that man right now). This may lead to a woman having to walk away from that relationship.

  12. Deep but so true!!!!!

  13. I don’t know why the guy is the target here. You just described my partner, the mother of my children. I am faithful, loyal, and great dad. I’ve been there for her, supporting through thick and thin. Others say she should be the happiest person on Earth. Yet she say she loves me but her actions are completely opposite. Because I’m not the biology father of our one child, should I leave, I lose all my kids. No court would ever separate them. I love her so much, but this loneliness and pain is so much

    • I usually focus on one gender at a time but this can go either way as you have expressed. Just like I mentioned in this post it can be that she just isn’t truly in love with you or there is a deeper issue that causes her to struggle with embracing the love that is there. Either way you may have to take a few steps back in order to get the clarity you need or for her to make the necessary progress to move things in a better direction. I’m a little unclear about the dynamic with the children but I understand how kids being involved can make things more difficult. If you need to discuss this further send me an email at advice@stephanspeaks.com

  14. Excellent Excellent article. No one (man nor woman) should have to try to “figure out” where they stand in a relationship. When people interact with love and for mutual/common good, communication will be open and honest, and for the most part Joyful – or at least respectful and intelligent. If lies are on the table and/or sweet talk is just “sweet talk” – ummmm…it is truly an unhealthy relationship. Thank you for offering this terrific information. Btw – that picture speaks volumes!

  15. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he has been talking to me so horribly as if i mean nothing but dirt to him and also i have found that he has made a profile on a website called snog.com and to be honest i am so in love with him i don’t know what to do. my heart is aching and i know he is lying and that he doesn’t care but he keeps convincing me he loves me although he is treating me this way. what should i do :’(?

    • What you should do is love yourself and find something constructive to make yourself happy. Then a good quality man will come along and want to join in your happiness and you will see that what you have now is a waste of your time and your heart. Get back out there and explore your options. Don’t be afraid. If somebody really cares for you, they will make much more and better effort than this. Don’t make it easy for him to take advantage of you. Want better, do better.

  16. Stephan…..just as you spoke that it can go both ways. I’m currently in a situation with a young lady and the exact same thing is happening to me, however, it gets deeper. She say’s she loves me, she’s in love with me, she needs me I mean she expresses the emotion, however, she doesn’t show it because of past hurts. I asked her how does she feel she is ready to be in a relationship with this major issue but she says she wants to Love and to just be patient with her. I continuously express and show my love for her, that I’m not cheating etc., but she comes of cold. And if I communicate this to her, she gets irritated and fed up and tells me that I can’t handle her non showing side and that I’m not listening to her (pertaining to her expression of love). Also she tells me that she understands what I’m going through and I’m like ,”If you do, stop doing it!” She is so wrapped up in this hard core attitude of not showing her feelings and that she is still single but she loves me and cares for me and appreciate me loving her hard because she has never had that before. Help me out if able!!

  17. Hello
    That was a great article. I am in a relationship now that feels just like that. There have been trust issues and lies with him before and then he broke up with me saying we were incompatible. I tried to move on and then I learned about another huge lie. We were talking as friends and then he said he realized i was the one he wanted and we got back together. But it just doesnt at all feel like before. And if i bring up emotional issues and try to let him know how I feel he always manages to dance around it or somehow turn it into something else. And I always seem to get the phrase just because i dont do x “doesnt mean i dont love you” my friends have told me many times run. hes a liar and only keeping u around for now until something else comes up. Im so lost. I give so much more than I get in return…..

    • This is so me

    • Get out, get out. You are playing his game. Get out there and explore your options, or travel, go back to school, spend time with family. This sounds like a dead end road. Never make someone a priority that is only making you an option. Sometimes nothing really IS better than something, this something, anyway.

  18. Yes, so true! I can admit that this has happened to me in my pass. But moving forward, Ive learned to guard my heart. Every man who comes into your life don't suppose to be treated like your husband. Only One! And God will reveal that ONE to you.

  19. Awww! Its not fair. I think I just got played again. Where are all the genuine honest, “tell it how it is” men. I do not understand why this keeps on happening to me. All my friends and family members are married or in a relationship apart from me. I have been waiting for a very long time for a decent man, none cometh!
    Its like you cant win in love… If your honest with them, you get played. If you stand up for yourself, they are quick to put you down. If your a decent good girl, you get hurt. If you let them wait, they dump you anyway.
    The majority of the time, its the decent women that easily get hurt, notice how you never really see the bad girl crying, because she has learnt the art..
    So how does it leave a decent woman feeling..(well me)!
    I have come to the conclusion, being honest is not working……
    I think Women should train themselves in the art of deception and be emotionless when it comes to Men. In and out of the bedroom/
    Look them straight in the eye and LIE. And for good measure, twist up his best friend. They are true snakes, just like in the Bible.

    • No, that is not the answer, to become like them and play their game. You just have to have an unshakeable belief in yourself and your value. And if someone else does not recognize your value, that is THEIR problem- in the meantime, next! Get busy with your life and whatever makes YOU happy, and if some good quality guy comes along and wants to add to your happiness, that is a win-win situation.

  20. I just spent a year in a relationship just like this…I wish I had been a little wiser.. But I have rectified the situation.. Easier to be single for the right reason and person.

  21. Most of all one must love one self before one can give love. IF YOU DON'T,YOU CAN'T GIVE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE. NOTHING FROM NOTHING, LEAVS NOTHING.

  22. I have caught him on Craigslist talking to other women and have seen what was wrote and confronted him about it he says that they don't mean nothing, I am now back in Oregon and he is in nd all we do is fb or text some phone calls what should I do??? Please help

  23. Wow. Im shocked but not surprised by whats true. Thanks I needed tht.

  24. Ladies guard your heart because everything that looks good may not be good for you. Now dont get me wrong its somebody for everybody but be careful because u have some grown ass men that like playing games so make sure you dont waste your time with the wrong person and get to know who you are dealing with before you get to serious with that person dont Trust to easily because u might get your heart broken but u know what God heels all wounds in time and dont feel bad keep your head up and smile because God has something good instored for you regardless in the bible it says He who Finds a wife finds a good thing and will receives Favor from the Lord!!"GOD IS NOT FINISH WITH U YET:)

  25. Never regret people you meet in your life its a reason for everything some people come in your life for a blessing and some come in your life and will teach you a lesson remember the Teacher is allways quiet during tthe test just remember dont ignore the "Red Flags"…

  26. I appreciate all that that's good now its for women we know sometimes we tend to ignore thanks for the truth

  27. Thank you so very much….this pretty much sums up what I already know…bless

  28. Definitely agree with this. Standards and knowing What you want, What you'll allow & won't allow, & carrying yourself like a lady is EVERYTHING.

  29. This was perfect timing. I REALLY needed to read this. I was making so many excuses for him along with everybody else. Oh he behaves this way because he’s African, og its because his mother abused him. Oh it’s because tomorrow he’s turning 23! I’m so tired. He’s a full blown narcissist and I just gotta let him and us Go.

  30. You are spot on with this one. Met my share of talkers. I have learned in my years to weed thru them fast and not waste my time.

  31. Wow….I will be up for awhile recommending you to some other ladies,I truly thank God for you! For crying loud,n not sparing

  32. And what if he gets defensive and says " your beating me down and I am trying. I have potential!!" Essentally making you feel like your the nagger. When in fact he just isn't changing certain behaviors but you have flip flopped your life around for him. Including your job and friends.

  33. You make great points. One of the hardest things for many people to admit that something that they WANT may not be the thing that they NEED.

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