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Posted by on Mar 27, 2012 in Advice for Women, Dating, Single | 118 comments Tags: , , ,

Top 12 Reasons “Good Women” Are Single (Part 2)

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Hope fully you have already read Top 12 Reasons Good Women Are Single (Part 1). Here are the next six reasons to finish off the list.

  • 7. You’ve been Hurt – many single women reading this remain single or in dead-end relationships because you have been hurt in your past. This hurt can be from a previous relationship, previous situation with a man, or sexual abuse. Some of the first six reasons I listed are just manifestations of that same hurt you are holding on to. You now operate with walls up to protect you, but it is those same walls that continue to block the blessings you deserve to receive. I understand how difficult it can be to move on from these things, but if you are ever to move in the right direction as well as into a new healthy relationship, you must begin with forgiveness. Start the process of letting the pain go and watch how things improve.
  • 8. You keep entertaining the “wrong guy” – you know he isn’t the one for you yet you continue to entertain this man and his nonsense. He isn’t even giving you a full commitment but yet you are giving him all the benefits of a real relationship. How do you expect to ever find the “right guy” when you ALLOW yourself to continuously deal with the “wrong guy”? You want a relationship, but you let this (single or taken) man continue to take from you without having to fully give you what you desire in return.  You can continue to sell yourself short, but do not complain or be surprised when you find yourself still single and more emotionally damaged than you were before.
  • 9. Your too busy enjoying the “Single Life” – you’re just having too much fun living it up. Maybe you like to come and go as you please. Maybe you enjoy the free meals, outings, and for some, the bills that get paid from your “guy friends”.  If those are your reasons, I get it, but just make sure that you aren’t using that as a front. Many women claim to love the “single life” but in a heartbeat they would trade it in for a genuine relationship. Yes, you should enjoy yourself while you’re single, but that does not mean you have to act like you enjoy being single. I hope you understand the difference. If your attitude or words say “I love being single” then understand that this will impact a man’s willingness to come at you with something more serious. Have fun, but be true to yourself and what you really desire.
  • 10. You lack “positive energy”– this is different from #1 on the list “acting like a b**ch”. Some of you may not be negative or mean, but you still don’t give off any positive energy. If you were a light bulb, you would be a flickering light at best. Some of this is due to lack of self-esteem, unresolved issues that have sapped your strength, or just taking on too much to the point where you are beat down and worn out. Whatever the reason is, that inability to “shine bright” makes it hard for a man to be drawn to you. Whether we show it or not, we have enough issues as it is. So if you don’t seem like a source of enjoyment, or just come off as a big bag of issues. We won’t be so willing to be with you. We all have things we need to deal with, but make sure you exude some confidence and positive vibes to increase your chances of finding the right guy.
  • 11.  You haven’t met “that guy” – shout out to the ladies that don’t settle. Shout out to the ladies that understand that if he isn’t the right guy for you, then forcing a relationship is pointless. I applaud you and I hope more women would take that path. The reality is, just because you meet a “good guy” that doesn’t mean he is the “right guy”. Continue to be patient, but make sure that the reason you haven’t met him isn’t due to unfair requirements you have set. If “that guy” is defined by his job, car, income bracket, and things of that nature then good luck with that. Those things make finding him harder, and personally I think you should focus on finding a man you connect with. Without that connection, “that guy” will easily become “that ex” in due time.
  • 12. You Are Waiting On GOD – there are many women who say they are just going to trust GOD and let him bring them a man. That is great, but there is a slight problem with that. Many of those same women take an approach of not doing anything to facilitate the process. They wait on GOD to deliver a man as if they are waiting on a shipment from FedEx. You still have to recognize what it is you are or are not doing correctly. If you choose to trust GOD to bring you a man, how about finding out what GOD needs you to do to get that man. Because if you are not the woman you need to be then you may find yourself waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Not because GOD can’t do his part, but because you haven’t truly tapped into doing your part.

If you are a single and after reading all 12 reasons you can say none of this applies to you, then I challenge you to get an outside opinion on if that is true. Many women can swear that there is nothing they are doing wrong, but the reality is that there is plenty you can do better. Be honest with yourself, and do what is necessary to become the woman you need to be. This article isn’t about telling women they need to be in a relationship, but if you truly would like to be in one, then understand what may be potentially holding you back. If you feel I missed anything, or disagree with the list, please leave a comment.

Related Article: 12 Reasons “Good Men” Are Single

 

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

  • Dalma Antoine

    You bring out some really good points Mr Labossiere.

    • RelationshipExpert

      Thank you Dalma : )

  • Dalma Antoine

    You bring out some really good points Mr Labossiere.

  • Melovinme34

    All I have to say is very excellent…thank you

    • RelationshipExpert

      thank you very much : )

  • Melovinme34

    All I have to say is very excellent…thank you

  • Mylbethea

    Very good! I truely enjoyed reading the first six and now the last. You give excellent advice. Some will disagree mainly because it hit to close to home. Thank you!

    • RelationshipExpert

      thank you Mylbethea. I hope for those that it does hit home that they receive this in the way that it is intended. We all hve to be willing to look ourselves in the mirror and recognize where we can do better.

  • Joelle Paule

    #7,8, directly relates to me. I thought you were talking about me for a minute :) Women always entertain the wrong guy and we know it, but we keep settling because well he is there and we have nobody to talk to so we might as well…BAD MOVE. Been hurt and really don’t want to experience that again, so wall up until…. I don’t know when!! but for now wall up LOL
    #11 About not meeting the “right guy” well how do we know we met the right guy? because the “wrong guy” might be the “right guy” for what we want at the moment we met. Then turns out to be the “wrong guy” so my question to you is how do we know he is the right one? people have different expectations when it comes to relationships.
    KUDOS for #12 and may GOD bless you abundantly for acknowledging him.

    • RelationshipExpert

      You better take that wall down, you know better than that : ). As for the “right guy”, that guy isn’t about what you want, he is the guy that gives you what you need. Focus in on that and the picture gets a lot clearer. 

  • RelationshipExpert

    You better take that wall down, you know better than that : ). As for the “right guy”, that guy isn’t about what you want, he is the guy that gives you what you need. Focus in on that and the picture gets a lot clearer. 

  • Laurice

    Stephan,
      I gotta give it to you I found myself in part 2..Thats exciting.. You’re good. #7 I’ve been hurt yes! Afraid to love again just like the young lady below.  My guard is all the way Live! It’s like an antenna it’s so high.  I’ve loved and lost and I don’t want to try anymore. I know what your gonna say Stephan! (smile).. Brian Mcknight says, “it’s better to love somebody and lose than to love someone who doesn’t feel like you do.” Fairytales don’t always come true… I love that song.  Love hurts Stephan, love hurts..Ouch! I know in part 1, I stated you need to blame someone but I always blame myself because I know it’s me, it has to be.  I guess I know how to get him but I don’t know how to keep him. I’m tired of temporary relationships I want longevity.  Can you teach me how to keep him once I get him.  Please.  My question is: If a woman is saving herself for marriage in this day in age will or can her relationship stand the test of time?  Some of my friends say, “No” it can’t be done.  I need to hear it from you. 
      # 8 I always entertain the wrong guys lately simply because I’ve been hurt so with the wrong guy we just hangout, grab a bit to eat, catch a movie but thats still entertainment right.  I’m intentionally avoiding commitment.  Afraid to take a risk and give someone a chance.  But in #9 I enjoy being single because I love freedom and at times I’m afraid for that special someone to see that as sweet as I am Stephan I can be moody.  Not a B**ch just moody and mean! (lol)
       Alright I’ll be honest you got me I guilty of all of these expect for #10. I am such a ray of sunshine because I love to smile. Not tooting my own horn but I truly believe that God blessed me with an awesome smile.  There are times I can light my own day as well as for others. 
      So proud of you Stephan you really came through on part 2.  You’re a man of your word and I love that!. You deserve a round of applause.  Keep up the great work, this world could you someone as insightful as you.  Keep Being a blessing Okay ;)

    • RelationshipExpert

      Awww thank you so much Laurice, I really appreciate your words. Now, I am happy you were able to find yourself on the list because that means we have recognized some things that need correcting : ). Yes I can help you “keep him once you get him” but you have a relationship with someone that can help even more than me and that is GOD. I will be glad to assist though in the process : ). As for saving yourself till marriage, I honestly believe it can work. It requires though an element that most relationships lack, and that is being with the right person. We can go deeper into it, just contact me. I will also be doing a blog post on it. So when you are ready, let’s connect and get things moving in the right direction.

    • RelationshipExpert

      Awww thank you so much Laurice, I really appreciate your words. Now, I am happy you were able to find yourself on the list because that means we have recognized some things that need correcting : ). Yes I can help you “keep him once you get him” but you have a relationship with someone that can help even more than me and that is GOD. I will be glad to assist though in the process : ). As for saving yourself till marriage, I honestly believe it can work. It requires though an element that most relationships lack, and that is being with the right person. We can go deeper into it, just contact me. I will also be doing a blog post on it. So when you are ready, let’s connect and get things moving in the right direction.

    • http://twitter.com/MayaLuvs_U Chynaboogie

      I know I ‘m late just reading this, but I can so relate to your post.. Thanks for sharing.. about to ready Stephan response. I hope I get confirmation, but just want to comment on this before reading any further

  • Imevocals

    I really believe you hit all 12 nails on the head, I don’t disagree with anything you said!!!! I have experienced enough and been through enough to really evaluate me and my past relationships and understand that this time has to be Gods timing but at the same time get ME together!! I am single and I choose to be but still desire that ONE in my life! I think its always good to hear a man’s perspective!!!

    • StephanLabossiere

      thank you very much and it is good to see that you understand what you need to do. just continue moving in the right direction and your blessings will surely come

  • Suzie Ramsey

    Yep! A couple of these reasons do apply to me.

    • StephanLabossiere

      Well I am glad you can be honest about that. Now that you recognize these things, you know it is time to correct it right : )

  • Hotlou79

    You hit a couple of nails on the head with part two, I do think you were a little to angry in part one, to get your point across

    • StephanLabossiere

      lmao it wasn’t out of anger, I did it on purpose because when I blasted the Men in their “12 Reasons” no woman made an objection to it. So in fairness I had to start the same with women, but nonetheless I still feel 1-6 are accurate. They just have a more harsh tone, and sometimes that wakes some people up.

  • http://twitter.com/TiaHairston Bella Me

    8, 9 and 11   I need to be a case study…

  • Nat

    I would say #8 #11 & #12 apply to me. I have met so many good guys but, I’m constantly trying to find something wrong with them & I’m still stuck on the wrong guy. I know he is not the one but I just can’t get over him :/ everytime I’m out with somebody who has everything I’m looking for, I end up wishing It was him instead. I want to get over him but don’t know how, specially when he has me all twisted & confused.

    • StephanLabossiere

      I think you also are having a hard time accepting that you have to walk away from all this time and energy you put into this guy. You don’t want to be wrong about your choice to be with him so you hold out hope that he can change and you can feel better about your decision to continue this situation for this long. I don;t feel he has you twisted and confused, you are doing that to yourself. I say this because you recognize he is not the one, and is the wrong guy, but you try to convince yourself and hold on to anything he throws at you to believe that this can change. Deep inside you know the answer to this issue. You know it is time to move on but you continue to fight with yourself. You probably don’t like the idea of starting over. Maybe you fear having to be alone while in the process of being found by the right guy. Either way you have to accept what your reality is and understand that continuing as you are is only damaging you and your ability to be in the right relationship. We all make choices that could of been better and we just have to accept that. what is done is done, time to make the right decision to make things better for today and beyond.

  • Dcredone1978

    Many women can’t see what’s wrong and don’t really want to fix it.  However #11 fits me perfect.  I just can’t and won’t settle it has nothing to do with being a bitch or anything I just can’t and won’t settle it’s all or nothing! 

    • StephanLabossiere

      This is true but I think they do see it, many just choose to ignore it or dismiss it. Nothing wrong with not settling, just make sure it is based on good priorities and not unnecessary requirements : )

  • Brooke

    7-11 is me…. But I too blame it on the fact that the region of the country I’m from Black Men don’t care much for Black Women so I’m stuck… What am I to do now.. Who or what is to blame?!? Very good opinion though! I can relate!

    • StephanLabossiere

      We should always first accept responsibilty for what we an control. The men in your area may not care much for Black Women but I doubt that applies to every man there. Also there most likely is a reason they are this way. 7-10 are all things you can correct, so that is on you. Once you do that 11 will happen on its own, but you have to be truly ready for it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/bella.flexin Bella Flexin

    At first I was skeptical in reading this but you are dead on, I see it in many friends I have, I saw somethings in what I use to be and was enlightened on one thing that I can relate and change. Real Talk. I love it.

    • StephanLabossiere

      Thank you Bella : ). It makes me happy to know you can take something positive away from reading this article. I know I start off harsh in the first six, but my intention is always to help.

  • Jazz

    #7, 8,9,and 12 definitely applies to me…

    • StephanLabossiere

      I’m glad you can be honest about that. Now it is time to move in a better direction : )

  • CC

    I settled when all the red flags, yellow tape, and everything else was there for the sake of being in a relationship. Met on the net. And he continued to meet women on the net after a three year relationship.I should have been gone. Men are typically look for that one better. I was spinning my wheels trying to convince him I was the one and I was good enough when all along he was not good enough for me.I have forgiven my self for the misstep but it did and still hurts. Now I know better I will do better.I suppose I miss the relationship more . Quite frankly he is still out there as a wolf in sheep clothing. Keep up the good work. No I am not bitter but better. My heart is still open for someone who will honor my feeling. I just have to learn to trust again. :-(

    • StephanLabossiere

      Always remember that you shouldn’t try to convince someone that you are the “one”. Either they see it or they don’t. He was never the “one” for you (those red flags and yellow tape were there for a reason), so there was no way you could have ever been the “one” for him. Trusting gets a little easier when you put it where it belongs and that’s with GOD. A man is simply a man, mistakes will always be made. Just take comfort in knowing that if you can honestly say GOD is leading somewhere or to someone, then that is where you need to be.

  • http://twitter.com/Candii_Pants Candice Jarrett

    Ok, so none of the first 6 applied to me. But I do have a lil bit of #8. The thing is, my “friend” is a great guy. He’s everything I would want my “man” to be. But he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Which is funny considering we do/have all the things a relationship entails except for the title. He loves me. I love him. I don’t know what the problem is. What do you think?

    • StephanLabossiere

      Well he really has no incentive to commit to you when he is getting all of the benefits without having to take that step. He may indeed be a great guy, but that does not mean he is the right guy for you and vice versa. If you would like your situation to move in the direction it needs to go in then you have to stop operating like his girlfriend/wife when he is not prepared to officially be in a relationship with you. 

  • Cali Mango

    I keep coming to this site, Stephan I need some relationship advice before I run this man away.I’m afraid to let him love me….HELP!Why do I feel like this?

  • Jenadevida

    can you email me or can i get ur email ?? 

  • Cree

    I actually cried reading this because I realized it’s the truth #1,8,7 and 10 explain me perfectly I have been used and hurt by people I truly cared about. I feel bitter because I did not receive the type of closure I felt I deserve and I although I’m slowly making progress I still tend to slip backward. This blog was definitely a wake-up call for all women. I’m glad I started following you on twitter! :)

    • StephanLabossiere

      I am happy to hear that you found this article helpful. Sometimes crying is needed, and it is great to see that you are receiving this correctly. Don’t let that bitterness destroy you. Forgive those who have hurt you in the past, and if there is an opportunity to reach out to them in an attempt to get some closure then do that. We all slip backward sometimes, but at least you realize the direction you need to go in : )

      • Cree

        Thanks!! :)

  • Cocoa

    Wow, thank you, you have shown the house to the house (preach). I do not find myself in all of these but all it takes is 1 and you could potentially miss out on your future. My issue has been my weight. Men are visual, and while I believe that some men mean it when they say — I will love you regardless of size–they would prefer a well built, healthy woman. I am a woman of faith and I trust that God has prepared a mate for me but, yes but, faith without works is dead so I am going to do what I need to do to get this body in check and watch God move because the truth is when a person sees you for the first time they don’t see how beautiful your insides are and if I would be real with myself, I would prefer a healthier, leaner me as well. Thanks again for your candid post.

    • StephanLabossiere

      Thank you very much : ). A man would love a woman no matter her size, the issue is will they still be sexually attracted to that woman, or want to be in a relationship with that woman. I am glad to see that you can be honest with yourself about what you can improve. I am confident you will take the necessary steps to make those improvements.

  • William F DeLee

    LOVE YOUR POST AND LINK IM NEW TO THIS SITE BUT I AGREE WITH U .IM SINGLE AND IM NOT LOVING IT.BUT I WONT SELL MYSELF SHORT TO A WOMEN LIKE U SPEAK OF.ITS GOT TO BE ABOUT US NOT THEIR MOM DAD OR THEIR FAMILY OR THE KIDS THAT R NOT MIND .IM AGAINST KIDS BUT ALOT OF WOMEN PUT MORE PRESURE ON U TO HELP WITH THEIR KIDS THEN THEY PUT ON THE REAL DADDY.I HOPE U POST ON THAT TOPIC TOO.       NICE LINK MR.DELEE AKA SILVERBKG LOL

    • StephanLabossiere

      Thanks William and I will definitely address that topic. I think that is a very good discussion to have. Glad you are enjoying the blog.

  • http://twitter.com/oh_lordi Uyai :)

    AMEN!! I need to see this, the last one applies directly to me. I appreciate your completely honesty as well it is sometimes needed lol :)

    • StephanLabossiere

      Thank you : ) and I am glad you found this helpful

  • mack 1298

    I agree with you on the part one and part two issues. My current problem is that I am dating men and I feel no chemistry with any of them. I don’t know why. There is always something that turns me off so that I do not turn on to them. It makes me think that I am being picky. But chemistry and energy from another is either there after two dates or it isn’t, in my opinion. Should I give them more time to find out or just move on? I have been actively dating since December. Prior to that I was celibate for about 10 years. I have not slept with any of these men because I do not belive in sexual intercourse before marriage. The majority of the time the company is great but there is no spark when I meet with them,have discussions, and attempt to see we can relate well to each other. Unless, I am rusty at this dating thing,shouldn’t there be some chemistry,even if you have no plans of sleeping with the man at that time? I feel like throwing in the towl again and stop dating all together. I am quite confused and tired of dating at this time. Help!!

    • StephanLabossiere

      You can definitely find chemistry or even a connection (not the same thing) before you have sex with a person. This could be an issue of something deeper that is holding you back, or it simply is the result of proper evaluation. Meaning, when we are truly focused on finding the best person for us we will realize how many people actually fall short. Don’t be confused, be patient. What you are experiencing is a blessing that you just don’t realize yet, but I see it.

  • Nastya

    I reckon #1 reason here is “You are clingy, needy and insecure”.

    • StephanLabossiere

      Actually I didn’t have that as one of the reasons, but you make a great point : )

  • Awooten624

    You have a lot of key points I’m guilty of a couple but at the same time it’s kind of Bias. The reason I say that is because I feel like a lot of men want a whole lot of something for nothing. I also Hate feeling like I’m being tested & why do women have to go thru so much to be treated the right way!!!! I refuse take me as I am & we grow together or I’m cool I’m not doing all of that!!!! At the end of the day to many men just want to get over on woman & have there cake & eat it too even if u do make adjustments. But give the world to a HOE or sum needy Bum Chick who compliment them in no way in fact they normally ruin there Life & empty there Bank Accounts. But you want a “Good Women” to past all these test #Please

    • StephanLabossiere

      I agree with you that too many men (and women) “a whole lot of something for nothing.” I also don’t want you to think that this article is saying it is ok to not treat a woman the right way if she is guilty of any of the 12 reasons. Women deserve to be treated with love and respect no matter what. I am simply saying that as a woman you make it harder to find a man who will want to be with you in a relationship and do right by you when you are applying any of these 12 reasons. You are right there will always be men who just want their cake and eat it too, but don’t let that stop you from being the best woman you can be. Because if you do, then when the right guy comes along he will mainly see the side of you that has been hurt and jaded, which could get in the way of you receiving the blessing you deserve. 

  • Depravityff7

    Awww man, I think I’m stuck at #7 right now. In a horrific relationship that shows signs of sometimes being worth it, but when all my friends tell me ‘he’s jerking me around’ and stuff, I just don’t wanna listen, even if that voice in my head tells me they’re right. Urgh, as a woman, I need to grow some balls. Seriously. I wonder if its the amount of hurt I’ve experienced, or the idea of being alone at 30… I don’t know. It just sucks. Sorry, to all the men out there, us women are really from another planet sometimes.

    • StephanLabossiere

      Even some of the worst things for us have “good” or “enjoyable” parts we can point out. After reading your comment, I can tell you already know deep down inside what the deal is. You already know what you need to do, but as you acknowledged you are simply having a hard time doing it. The hurt, the fear of being alone, fear of starting over, and simply having to walk away from all the time and energy spent in that relationship definitely holds you and many other back. It can be tough, but there is so much better waiting for you if you just do what you need to do to close that door. If you want the strength, then start with forgiving those that hurt you in the past and the present. Recognize that operating out of fear will not get you what you deserve. You can do this, and I know you will : ).

  • Dream

    The first six are definitely not a problem for me.10& 8 I believe is my problem.nunber 12 I agree with.so how do I fix it?.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      #8 you have to be honest with yourself and not try to overlook the signs. I know you see them, so take heed. Don’t try to hold on to something that isn’t there….
      #10 you have to make an effort to stay positive and recognize your blessings. Focus on being the woman you need to be and it will become easier to have a positive glowing vibe to you. 

  • Shanicesmith1

    love this.!!!!!!!!

  • kandie757

    I just found you on twitter and then facebook and know here. I am so glad i found you I like reading stuff like this. and with the 12 things wow. Five years ago i set out in search to find my self. i couldnt for the like of me see why i couldnt hold on to a man or just ened up with a jerk. I thought it was me so I sat down took a time out and got to know myself. and all of the things you listed I can say that I was every one of those 12 wait I lied except 12. and 12 was on the money. but it was nice getting to know myself. and found a man along the way. and he knew what i was doing and he also knew I was not getting in to a relationship anytime. We spend five wonderful years together. he got to know em and i got to know him. and know we are together. so women if your wondering why you are still alone take another look at 1-12 and see if it fits you if so try something different you might get a diffrent out come. Oh and maybe one day you can do something on getting to know yourself if you havent already. Cause i do believe in order to love you have to love yourself, in order to have a relationship you have to have one with yourself. and in order to be honest with others you have to be honest with your self

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I am happy you found me Kandie757 and that was a great comment for other women to read. You focused on becoming the woman you needed to be, and that allowed you to receive the man that was best for you. I definitely will do an article in the future about getting to know yourself. It all starts from within, and it is great to see that you were able to recognize that and you the blessing that was waiting for you : )

  • Clare

    I loved this and am linking to it from my own little blog. I think you’re right on. Particularly with #10. I have many friends who just don’t understand why they can’t someone yet they exude negative energy.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I’m glad you enjoyed it Clare and I am honored you will be linking it from your blog. Yeah it seems there a lot of people that overlook the impact that their negative energy has on finding a partner. Hopefully that will change.

  • OLDHIPICHK

    i agree with, and am one of the women who refused to “settle”. i spent 12 years single, because 1., i refused to settle for anything less, than the total package. and 2., during that time, i was also very busy with my daughter, having my grand babies, and i just simply didnt have the time for a relationship. however, now, my grand kids are a little older, and because i refused to settle, and stayed single, “that 1 guy i let get away”, so many years before, has come back into my life, and he adores me, loves my grand kids as if they were his own, (…and we have them living w us full time, right now, while my daughter goes thru her divorce, and the kids are in a position to avoid some of the ugliness, with us. i am happier now, than i have ever been!
    Ladies….NEVER SETTLE!!!!! …if u settle, u will never be truely happy! u will still always be looking for mr right, because u r with, mr not completely right!
    im with the man of my dreams! for the 20 some odd years he and i lost touch, there wasnt a day that passed, that i didnt wish, pray, hope, want, etc.. him to come back into my life! …and he did! u r sure right about that!
    again….NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING EVEN SLIGHTLY LESS THAN THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS, OR IT WILL NEVER LAST VERY LONG!

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      That is wonderful! I am so happy you were able to receive such a great blessing. I hope what women take from this is of course do not settle, but also the fact that you never allowed yourself to get tied up with the “wrong guy”. Which would of made you unavailable when the man your heart yearned for finally came back into your life. So many people try to latch on to someone else even though they know their heart belongs to another. It only guarantees many unfulfilling and unhappy years. Everybody deserves better than that. Wait for the man that is best for you, and stop entertaining the one who is not. Thanks for sharing OLDHIPICHK : )

  • Marthalucalderon

    I absolutely agree with you. Thank you
    I’ll be seriously thinking what is it that Ihsve to do to be woman I need to be.

  • Jhsoreal32

    U r so right so true!

  • http://www.bcglam.com/ Yahrasiel Colbert

    #5 is why I stay in Business!

  • Kdjoy25

    I found myself in part 1 and 2 and I must say damn I need to do better!

    • http://www.stephanspeaks.com Stephan Labossiere

      I’m glad to see you are able to be receptive to the article and to acknowledge those things. That is definitely the first steps to being on your way to make the necessary corrections : ).

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I’m glad to see you are able to be receptive to the article and to acknowledge those things. That is definitely the first steps to being on your way to make the necessary corrections : ).

  • Jasmine

    Wow! I can say that I found myself in 11 and 12. It is time for me to reevaluate myself… :/ Thank you!

  • Keishaowusu

    Idk i guess im a little of the numbers 12,11,8, and 7. well lets see with seven yeah ive been hurt but i dont take it out on other guys i do have the wall up but more like the wall blocking him from my “secrets” until i know he isnt just with me to find out how i feel. But one thing though i seem to attract dudes that are old or dudes that like what they see in that second and i dont know why. i know i got the looks or whatever but i dont believe my looks are everything most dudes on the streets come up to me in straight up disrespect (like aye shawty where you going? you smoke? damn you fine blah blah) i just ignore and keep it moving but at the end of the day i question myself dang it this all thats out there? or am i dressed like a hoe or something? things like that make me wish i was flat as an ironing board at that moment lol. but i have meet some good guys but we are just friends and they have there girlfriends or whatever and i think like maybe they see my personality as the chill laid back homie type like “one of the guys” type but i wouldnt know just a perception. number eight ugh i do that a lot lol i meet a dude he is cute respectful for about a few months i start liking them and the rest is a blur i wake back up and realize um wtf am i doing with this guy for real im giving him 90% at least and he is giving me 40% and im just there looking dumb but that was then. and also i get with dudes that think they got to buy me the world for me to be happy whats up with that? ill say things like forreal dude you can plan us a picnic at the park and ill probably like you more than you taking me to a fancy restaurant i just like the little details that make the bigger picture.. number eleven waiting for that guy… stressful i must say because im like the lovey dovey type i like to be all like in love and stuff and have this whole fairy tale mind set and i feel lame for being like that but i cant help it i love the concept of love. when i find the guy and i feel that he is trying as much as me ill pursue it.. 12 waiting on GOD yeah im waiting but i still do my part and like work on myself physically and personality wise i know im not perfect so in all is fair i dont expect a full blown angel from GOD if im not that way but i know not to be a nickle expecting a dime as well lol

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      You said you don’t take out your hurt on other guys, but you do have a wall up. I want you to understand that if a man is truly in to you, then that wall will hurt him. Also if he cares about you then naturally he will want to know how you feel. Its the man that could care less about your feelings that you want to stay away from. If you are a very attractive woman then what you are experiencing is normal. To many men the focus will be on your looks but if you know there is more to you than that, then do not let how men approach you make you question your own substance. They haven’t even had the opportunity to get to know you so of course they can only play off how you look to them….Why not ask some of your male friends what their perception of you and your personality is. Don’t assume, just find out to gain a better understanding. Also it sounds like you already know where you can take a better approach, so you just need to do it. If you know you get caught to fast, then slow down a little. If you recognize you entertain too many men that are not willing to put up the effort that you desire, then make an effort to stop entertaining those men. As for guys trying to buy you the world, some are just programmed that way. Some use it to compensate for their shortcomings. Some may just think you look high maintenance and this is what they need to do to keep you. Either way, just continue to make clear what you desire from a partner and either that man will step up or you can just keep it moving. I’m glad to see you recognize you have to always work on yourself and put out what you expect to receive.

  • Angeladenise311

    Ok point number 12. Where do I begin? I love your insight, this describes me perfectly. I’d just like to reiterate waiting on God isn’t passive, there is a lot of work to be done. If I want God to send me the best man I’ll need to become the best woman. In other words be in the position to ask what you’re asking. Do people have a clear understanding of what a committed relationship especially marriage involves? Do you know the man’s role AND the woman’s role?
    There are pros and cons to being single. I love being ‘free’ but the loneliness isn’t easy. It comes in waves and I’ve had to learn how to brace myself when it comes. For example, I’ve had opportunities to entertain male company but I respectfully decline because sex (not sex + intimacy ) will not cure the loneliness. It WILL provide a momentary escape but at MY expense.

  • http://www.facebook.com/petula.wright Petula Wright

    Hi Stephan! I’ve worked through 11 of your 12, but as with most things there’s always work to be done. It’s the ‘lacking of positive energy’ one that has me pausing. Are you saying a man walks by (in a store, on the street, wherever), notices a woman and does or does not feel or see positive energy? Or are you saying once he speaks to her? I ask because I’ve long ago let go of the make brief eye contact and/or speak, show interest/seem interested and smile or look pleasant because that rarely if ever garnered interest from anyone or anyone of caliber and/or character.

    I’m beginning to wonder a few things. Am I not getting approached by the type of men I like because I look younger than I am? I also tend to dress a little younger because I spend a lot of time at home. I work from home and I’m a mom. I’m rarely anywhere but home or with my children. Rarely does anyone guess my age to be over 35 and mostly are still guessing 30, some 20s. I’m mid 40s.

    I’m not choosing men any longer. Why? I obviously choose wrong. I really believe that I won’t find who I’m looking for in the area I live. So when I’m outside of my neighbor is when I’m more prone to be looking without looking. As one of the “good women” I happen to be very hard on myself and believe I’ve identified those 12 areas and where I still need work or have worked. There is not one thing about me, when a man speaks to me and I find him interesting and engaging that isn’t positive, engaging and energetic. In fact, I kick it down so low with the ones who I want to move on that I don’t understand why they won’t run. It’s quite frustration! LOL.

    Maybe you have a post about the older really “good women” who are aware, mature and ready and what they need to do more of, less of ??? IDK… Right now, I thinking I just want to be a gypsy. Travel, sleep on beaches, let my children run along the coastline… homeschool them while they sit on rocks and listen to the sound of the ocean. :-) Sorry, digressing. Thanks for “listening.”

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Some people do pick up on a persons energy just by passing them or being around them. I’m not saying you have to find a way to exhibit that from a distance, because if you truly are at peace and happy with yourself then it will naturally come out. Most of us are not at peace and therefore we don’t shine like we could. Now I understand why you stopped with eye contact, showing interest, etc. I do believe you should bring that back. It doesn’t always work on everybody but that doesn’t mean it won’t work when the time is right. The fact that it doesn’t work as much as you would like could play into what you mentioned. You questioned if looking younger is working against you, but then you acknowledged that you compound that by dressing younger. So my question would be, do you genuinely think the type of men you like are attracted to what you are putting out there? If no, then this is where I believe you can make an effort to improve some things. You can’t change having a young face, but you damn sure can change dressing in a way that reinforces what you believe works against you. You know what you need to do, I think you are just a little tired of trying. Tired of the process, and tired of the disappointment that has come in the past. Let that all go, and choose to take a more effective approach starting today. Just like a workout program don’t let a lack of fast results discourage you. Stick with your new approach and if you recognize anything you can tweak and improve then do that. Also never forget that confidence is huge. I don’t care how you look, if you don’t feel good about yourself and confident in your value then it will still be a big struggle. You have what it takes, you just have to be willing to do what you need to do. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=682456769 Aléshä Kwanaiya Taylor

    i can totally say from reading this backwards not intentionally its just what i saw first i can relate with all 5 on this list from having BARRIERS to WRONG GUYS,  POSITIVE ENERGY to THAT GUY and BEGINNING HURT i feel that after going through certian things in life and feeling that was right i let myself and things just take place because i tell myself i don’t care but in actuality i do but don’t know where and how to start caring.  the next thing too is i don’t know when a guy is interested becasue i’ve had my share of no ‘goods’ that i have brushed off most along the way, which is problably my reason for not even putting too much effort into Mr. Right.  like for instance, i started a new job on Oct 9, 2012 i got onto the bus and saw this guy said to myself he’s cute but never really told him it was too early in the morning to have conversation but i did say Good Morning; on the second day i saw him again taught the same thing but this time i went out of my way to set in front of him and did pay attention to his cologen. on the next day my plan was to say hello and introduce myself but i never saw him and since then i haven’t.

    own on the other bus i take to work [it takes me about 4 buses] there was this guy i saw everyday never really spoke to him either but one day this day was on having major conversation as to why she was happy she moved from one town to another and oh how do used to miss where she left until she spent that weekend there and realized that where she currently live is the best time.  to my surprise the guy on this bus was very into the conversation also drawing me into the conversation with the lady then the conversation on age came up because the lady said “she got Id’s for liquor” he stated he gets carded as well so I smiled over it because it reminds me of myself whenever I go to the movies to see PG-13, PG-14, PG-18 and Adult movies.  to my surprise the lady called him a baby for which he replied i’m not as young as i look now i’m sitting there saying to myself he’s 35 so enjoy your thirties come to find out he’s much older putting a shocker to my eyes, ears and taughts.

    the first time we ever really spoke thereafter was the day after Sandy pasted Florida we were both on the bus saying “why are we going to work and its raining, gloomy, dull, etc” he then started telling me about the last time we saw each other and about his day off the day before i asked him if he handled his business he stated no then i replied so he just took a regular day off should have gone into work.  then we got into talking somehow about relationships, kids and the sort to my surprise he asked are you single, response yes don’t need the headache, he stated HEADACHE, and i said yes he asked why? i explained headache because its all me i am a complicated person and i am hard to please and once a guy thinks they’ve please me i’m moving onward to the next best thing.  our conversation evolved pretty rapaidly to the point where he asked is there anyone that i past or present i would give a second chance which i answer then he said “he’s a lucky guy,” i gave him a look and stated that same things you’re going through i helped him through and it is up to him to want to give me a second chance. then he asked what if he were to get with me what would happen and i stated i don’t know and ended the conversation. now everyday since then i have been thinking of him not sure why did go out of my way to see if he’ll be on the bus in the morning but have not been able to see him and now i am curious why he made the statement that he made, even going out of his way to tell me where he works but i would not go to his job out of respect.

    @Stephan what should I do….Inbox Me.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      Notice how you gave him such a negative rundown of your position on relationships and how you have handled them. You allowed your walls to get the best of you and that approach would make many men reconsider talking to you. Then he tried to still throw you a line by asking about him getting with you and you gave him nothing to work with in return. When a man is making an effort to talk and you are interested then give him something to work with. Show your interest, don’t keep putting walls up and expect him to fight through them all. I don’t know if you will run into this guy again but you should be mindful of how you handle situations like this. The issue isn’t whether he was interested or not, it’s that you have to be willing to embrace the interest and not do things to push it away.

  • Cturner1224

    Yep! Found myself in a few of them…sometimes we have to step back and look at the person in the mirror sometimes it hurts but it’s reality! #change

  • http://twitter.com/WomanofProverbs Chasing God

    A woman deeply grounded in God who is growing in her relationship with herself and with others can and will wait on God….but that doesn’t means she’s sitting by her phone or bed waiting for a man to knock on her door.  I am busy living my life….before this time in my life, being single was fun and was filled with taking on responsibilities that I choose such as being a teacher and raising two beautiful nieces……so yes I am the one waiting on God but not without actively becoming all of who I can become.  My motto is:  I’m a woman of excellence…..no I’m not perfect….but I’m living perfectly in an imperfect world.  It is possible but only if you are deeply rooted in the truth.  It is also possible to be okay with not wanting to be married…..the bible tells us that that state is okay too….but when the time comes God changes the direction of your life not you.

  • Kyah5676

    Number 12 defines me perfectly!

  • Beautifyurmind

    I found your post to be very entertaining and on point. However, there is always an exception to the rule….that being me! I am very much single and I can relate to #7 on the being hurt part but that resulted in me taking responsibility for my actions. My choice to be single is not due to me holding on to any past issues. My plan was to understand who the real me is and what I truly wanted from a man, also what I had to offer. In this process (that took longer than I expected) I have met some great potentials and I am proud to call them friends (most in a relationship but claims I’m the one, smh!). I rather not play the boyfriend girlfriend game because I found that to be a risk, “I am off the market cause he said he need me” “oh! I’m single again because it didn’t work out”. I ain’t got time for that… My want is a man with a vission of greatness, lots of ambition, and a heart that melts only for me. I am happy with the woman I am and have so much more to offer in a relationship and that keeps me hopeful that some lucky man is going to put a ring on it. Until then I will keep my happy ass single! I must say, I am not impress by possesion as much as I am impressed by mental stimulation.

    Nevertheless, Your thoughts are on point and fit the script for most women.

     Wish you greatness!

    • Tramirtion

      I am right there with you Beautify.

    • Mcarr

      Bravo. Well stated.

  • Angela

    Well, I love the article and I felt it expressed a lot of points that were true. I realize that no one can write an article like this and make points that apply to every single women or person on the planet, so let me start with that first. But this one certainly hits on some pretty strong reasons that could apply to probably most. I have been single since 1992 when I divorced my husband. The first thing someone might think is that I’m still dealing with some past hurt and that is the reason I’m still single but that would not be true. While I did face some serious challenges until God had to help grow and heal me. But after 21 years of maturing and growing closer to God the healing has indeed taken place, in fact my ex and I were very good friends up until he passed away 2 years ago. During the maturing and healing I came to know and love myself in a different way, which in turn brought about an inner peace that I fight to maintain everyday of my life, with all the life challenges that can come your way. I love who I am becoming and I have been told that there is a glow and an inner peace that make people enjoy being around me, I am so humbled by that and I love that it comes across the way that it does and others are able to see that light shinning inside me. I smile whenever I make eye contact with men women, little boys and girls it doesn’t matter. On the rare occasions I found myself in a conversation with a man it will usually come out that he and others look at me as a happily married woman, when I haven’t even had a date in many years. Now before you run off with that bit of information let me say this. I’m somewhat old school in that I won’t ask a man out on a date, I don’t think it’s my place to do so. Some people really take issue with that for some reason. But to be honest whenever I have attempted to step outside of that just to try and see if this is an approach that would work, the Holy Spirit quickly pulls me back and let’s me know that it’s not something I should do, but to be patient. Now, I went through each one of the reasons with a fine tooth comb and in the end I found that none of them applied to me. I know, someone is saying “Well she is in denial” and I would have to disagree. I’m not spiritually broken, not insecure, I love people (especially men-wink!) I love being a female in the sense that I get to wake up every morning and decide just how pretty I want to look today, in other words I love looking good and taking care of myself inside as well as out. I go out with friends, my best friend is a man who I have been friends with for almost 30 years, and we support each other as friends do, even when he’s dating someone I connect with them because I respect the relationship. I have a good relationship with the Lord and my prayer is that I grow in some way everyday. Emotionally I’m as sound as they come, in fact my girlfriends come to me for sound reasoning and support. I’m educated, I will have a degree in Psychology-Christian Counseling in the spring of 2014 and I currently work as a Senior Technical Support Engineer, a field I’ve been in for over 20 years. I have two wonderful sons’s ages 24 and 12, my oldest is also in college and last year married a beautiful Godly woman who teaches us all the time about the Ethiopian culture she comes from. I mean I could go on and on about how blessed my life is. I do go out from time to time, to jazz concerts, to dinners. I get invited to friends houses for events where there are single men, and I participate in the single events within the city of Atlanta often, making myself available, friendly and BEAUTIFUL! All of this and not one invitation for a date in many years, too man to count. Recently I was on my way out for the night and I walked into the gas station to get gas, and from the moment I stepped out of the car there were men who looked, and seemed to admire what they saw, I would smile, even nod if they were close in vicinity, but nothing. Now, I know that it’s possible in times like the one I’m describing I may just be passing ‘married’ men, and I get that but 20 years of no date??? Com’on! I have gotten from my best guy friend that next to men looking at me and seeing a happy, beautiful and confident married women, they may also see that my confidence means that I’m no nonsense, not up for the games and certainly not looking for just a passing sexual encounter. And I have to admit, all of that would indeed be very true. So, as you can see I have what I consider to be very good reasons to refute your 10 reasons, as least as far as how they may relate to be personally. But I’m open and willing to hear any others that may have come to mind as you read this. Thank you! 

  • Angela

    Damn it you are so right on so many things. I have some issues to fix. My boyfriend left me yesterday. So I was just surfing  the net and found your 1-12 list. Maybe I’ll do some changing so the next one will be Mr. right.

  • http://twitter.com/jhawkchick75 Shelby

    Another great article so glad I found you on Twitter recently!  Unfortunately I can relate to #s 7-11 but I guess the first step is recognizing it.  Will continue to read your articles thanks for your honesty! 

  • http://twitter.com/jhawkchick75 Shelby

    Expand Another great article so glad I found you on Twitter recently!  Unfortunately I can relate to #s 7-11 but I guess the first step is recognizing it.  Will continue to read your articles thanks for your honesty! 

  • K.Carter

    For the longest time I was the woman that was number 7 and 8. I let the wrong guy stay in my life for a little over a year and kept saying I would leave him, only for him to officially leave me a few weeks before Valentine’s Day. I was hurt, but I WILL NOT let that hold me back. I am working on forgiving him because I do believe he was hurt in his past relationship, and I now know that I was NOT the woman for him and pray that he finds the right lady in his life. I am looking for someone, but not as soon as possible, just when the time is right. Sleeping alone was hard to do, but I am slowly enjoying being around myself. In fact I wrote down why I loved being around the wrong guy sooo much and I found out it was because I was not happy being alone, and he was just a fill in to help fight off the loneliness that I felt. I am now becoming happier and find myself laughing more instead of crying over something he did (finding bras that were not mine at his place) or said (putting me down to make himself feel better). Looking back this man gave me nothing but headaches and good sex, something that I can find ANYWHERE. I am looking for something that is a rare jewel that I am proud to claim. I treated that man like a King (literally I was there for his every need/want, food, sex, money, transportation, etc.) Something that is helping me to get over the hurt and pain is to see that I GAVE him the power to treat me any kind of way and I ALLOWED this fiasco to go on for more than a year of my life. Since I have realized that I have more power over my life that I originally thought I am building a backbone for myself and I am working on becoming a better me everyday through staying optimistic about finding the right man for me and knowing when to leave a bad situation. I would like to be in a relationship that is happy and where the smiles are genuine. Being with Mr. Wrong for so long has helped enlighten me to what not to seek in Mr. Right. I do agree with keeping a positive light around yourself, so that is something that I am going to continue to do, maybe one day the right man will see me somewhere shining bright and we’ll be together! If that man never shows up or I never find him, I will still remain positive because as soon as I give up that may be the day that I miss my blessing!

  • Geo2mefox

    #9 and #11. man-o-man. you’re doing it too. sterotyping us single ladies; being that way because of some character flaws. i’m just happier. i like being positive and free. that’s all. if i meet an interesting man, i’ll get to know him. and hopefully he doesn’t become possesive right off the bat so we can make-love and move-on.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000083310271 Cleopatra Huff

    LOVE 11 & 12..great points & I agree with them :-).

  • Ninja712

    I really did not enjoy part 1 of this article because to me those aren’t characteristics of a “good woman”. Part 2, particularly points 7, 8, 10, 11, and 12 resonate much more with me personally. These issues are hard to deal with and even harder because so many advice articles these days come from people who haven’t accomplished what they’re writing about themselves. So these issues, especially if you lack important people in your life (like a father), have to be figured out on your own, which is quite challenging.

  • AntoinetteHughesCali23

    None of these apply to me, yet it still seems men these days go after bad girls. Go figure. Must be an abundance of bad men.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      So none of the 12 apply at all? That is very rare but I do understand your point about men going after bad girls. I will be addressing that issue very soon. I believe that issue isn’t being looked at correctly. Its very similar to the issue f women going after bad boys.

  • AntoinetteHughesCali23

    I also don’t define men by what they got. I define them by their actions and words.

  • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

    I did a list for men before I did a list for women. I tend to separate the genders in my articles for various reasons. I apologize if you took offense to #1 on the list. I admit it does come off harsh but that wasn’t the real intention of it. Also saying someone is “acting” like a b**ch is very accurate in many cases and is an issue for some women (and men). I agree some men set up a negative situation with the woman but there are other women that already have some pretty big walls up due to issues from the past that have not truly been addressed. So it is a lot deeper then just how a man approaches her. Again I apologize for the initial tone but that is why I wrote the disclaimer to express in advance what I was doing.

  • Rantress

    I am happiest when I am single and uninvolved with any man. I don’t have the time, energy, or will to deal with another person and their BS. What you have written makes a lot of sense, but you write like being single is a bad thing. It is a very good thing.

    • http://www.StephanSpeaks.com/ Stephan Labossiere

      I didn’t intend to come off as if being single is a bad thing. I was just explaining some of the factors that play into why some women are single. Trust me I think everybody should embrace being single to get to know themselves and learn how to love themselves. So I definitely do not see it as a bad thing.

  • list was negative

    I decided a long time ago that I would have to be single. Some people are meant to be single for life and that’s ok. I know that I am not pretty enough to catch or hold a man’s attention. I can work very hard on my looks but this is the way I was born and I can only afford so much primping. I know that sexually I would never be able to please a man. I have heard their stories I have peeked at porn and know that I can never give them what they need to not cheat. I have depression and at times it is hard to get a spark in my eyes though I try. It is a struggle and I am working through it but I know that some people can tell. I have a quiet personality and men want a bold woman because they want to be entertained. I have seen all the people around me get burned by lovers and it is inevitable so why enter dating when I know it will end in braking up. I just cut to the chase and stay single. I am not sad about being single just sad that people are scum and sad that my friends and family keep entering relationships and getting hurt and telling me on and on about it. So basically I have fulfilled many items on your list and you know what that’s ok. I have accepted being single.

  • Nikka

    I wish I could have personal counseling with you…so serious.

  • Dasha

    Wow!!! Awesum reality check!! ESP #12,#1,& the positive energy….now I can dig nd really work On Me…Thanx LOVED UR BOOK GOD WHERE US MY BOAZ..read On kindle in one day!!! :-)

  • Truth

    Steve Harvey once said that terms like “gold digger” (which more and more men are employing, I noticed) were created by men to take down women who want more from a guy. Example: She wants a dude with a decent paying job, so she doesn’t have to carry his lazy, broke ass. She is a “gold digger,” therefore, for turning down every bro who doesn’t make that standard.

    False, my friend.

    There are so many dudes today who won’t get a decent job and are waiting for a woman to take care of them. I’ve met my share. I don’t know of a single woman offhand who is waiting for “prince charming,” “Mr. Big,” or “a rich guy” to save them. Not a single one. This is stuff men of lower quality preach to try to get decent women to lower their standards.

    Without our standards, kiddo, we’d have ourselves a MANCHILD to raise. No thank you.

    We don’t expect rich, or handsome, or six feet tall. Sure, we’d like that, just like you all would like to date a supermodel. But we know reality too, and if we don’t set standards for that reality, then we will all end up miserable.

    Ladies, hold to your standards. You’ll need them as single women. Women who are happily married did just that, and that’s how they got off the market.