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Posted by on Jul 9, 2012 in Advice for Women, Dating, Marriage | 35 comments Tags: , , , , ,

Should A Woman Propose?

woman proposing should women propose

HELL NO! Absolutely not! No ifs, ands, or buts about it! Ok now that I got that out, seriously I think in a majority of cases it’s a bad idea. I believe there are too many risks or negatives that come along with a woman taking it upon herself to propose. I won’t dismiss the fact that there are some women who have done it and all is ok. In my opinion those are exceptions, and for most it is still very risky business and something a woman should avoid doing. I’m sure you are wondering why I specifically think it is such a bad idea for a woman to propose. Well before I break that down let me explain what I do think is ok.

Last night I appeared on KISS 104.1 FM’s “The Jennifer Keitt Show” and “should a woman propose” was one of the questions asked. One of the other guests mentioned that the woman should be able to approach her man about the issue. She should be able to let him know that if he isn’t prepared to get married then maybe this relationship needs to end. This is something I completely agree with. If you know as a woman that you are looking to get married, then you should not have to be dragged along by some man who isn’t prepared to give you that. If you have reached a point where his unwillingness to take things to the next level is genuinely bothering you, then you should openly talk about it. It isn’t about pressuring him to do it, but it is about getting a clear picture on where his head is at and where he intends to take things. If he doesn’t have some sort of plan to spend the rest of his life with you, then maybe you need to plan on removing him from your life.

Some women see that their man is holding off on proposing. It’s been several years and he still has a million and one excuses why it isn’t time yet. In some cases the man isn’t even given the opportunity, but the women figures she wants to take matters into her own hands. STOP! If it has been a few years and plenty of discussions about getting married with no result then why would you want to take this route? The man is showing you he isn’t willing or prepared to take it there, so realize that if he says yes it is simply because you backed him into a corner. Is that what you really want? Honestly, I think that is exactly what you are willing to take at that point. You have become so obsessed with validating this relationship with a marriage, or simply achieving your dream of marriage that you have lost sight of what is really important; being with a man who truly wants to spend his life with you in this union of marriage. If he isn’t truly invested into that concept then what is the point. You will find yourself unhappy and unfulfilled when the smoke clears. You also may cause resentment or frustration in him because you put him in a position to “give in” with a situation he wasn’t man enough to handle correctly in the first place. It just isn’t worth it for you to take the initiative to propose.

If a man wants to truly marry you then he will propose and take the necessary action to make that happen. If he hasn’t then either he truly is not ready (which it is up to you to determine if he has had enough time) or he simply isn’t the one for you. Most of you know the answer to that deep down inside but you choose to ignore it for many different reasons.  We all have to be honest with ourselves and accept our reality. Sometimes we spend years with someone who we should have never held on to for that long. His unwillingness to marry you is at times the confirmation that you refuse to acknowledge. It is better to walk away and prepare yourself for the man who will want to marry you, then for you to propose to the man who just isn’t prepared to take that step. At the end of the day the choice to propose is yours.

Side Note: If you want a man who is able to lead you and take initiative on things in life and your relationship, then don’t take that responsibility away from him by deciding to propose. You set the stage and the wrong standard by taking this action. He either mans up, or you have to accept that at this moment he isn’t man enough for you.

**Get your copy of my bestselling book God Where Is My Boaz: a woman’s guide to understanding what is hindering her from receiving the love and relationship she deserves – on  KindlePaperback, or Audio Book format HEREYou can also get the PDF version HERE**

Watch me on The Huffington Post Live as we discuss if proposing is reserved for men.

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

35 Comments

  1. Good blog. I totally agree, I say NO! 

  2. Asking a man to marry you you run the risk of not being happy because you will always wonder if he is happy or was he ever gonna ask you to marry him. He may not even be the right man for you.

    • Very good point. I have had several woman raise that same concern with taking it upon themselves to propose. They know that question will always haunt them.

      • Men on marriage: When God gave us dominion over the earth, did he really think we would buy the cow when the milk is free?

        It sounds to me like you and Dee agree that a proposal should come from a man because a woman should put his happiness before her own, and she’s  incapable of determining if a man is right for her or not. 
        IMO – “Will you marry me” and “Let’s get married” have two different meanings. “Let’s get married” suggests that both parties are confident about their relationship and therefore, it doesn’t matter who says it first. Proposing marriage has long been a tradition-based man ideology that many women have conformed to and most men are happy to wait.

        • I’m not sure how my words implied “a woman should put his happiness before her own, and she’s  incapable of determining if a man is right for her or not.” because that is not at all what I am saying or have said. The point that was being made was if the woman takes it upon herself to ask that she may be left wondering for the rest of her life if the man would of ever stepped up on his own. For some women that may not bother them, but many women have admitted to me that this indeed would stick with them and that is not good.

  3. Thats funny! SMH!….lol..I want to say that you blew it away once again.Congrats ;-).. Where you said “dream of marriage” is where a lot of women go wrong. They’re so hooked on MARRIAGE, they’re not focused on what comes with it. It can be like a fairytale at times and other times like a nightmare. All marriages have the good and the bad. So focus more on what you want in a marriage and not on marriage itself. Oh yeah! When you spoke about ” pressuring him to do it”. My thought is.. you wont have to pressure him in any way, because his mind will already be there. Some men already know what type of woman they want. And you’re speaking the truth on “His unwillingness to marry you.”  That clearly tells you he has not thought about you in his foreverafter..Move on. Just a thought:-)~smile~ 

    • Exactly. Sometimes women believe a man is confused, but typically a man knows what he wants. he just isn’t always willing to be honest about it and that is when the perceived confusion kicks in. His actions speak louder than his words, so if a woman focuses on that (which in this case is his unwillingness to propose) then she can find the clarity she is looking for.

      • yup been there…no actions..no words..no marriage…its ok….moved on.

  4. I agree with this blog but a part of me doesn’t.

    My foriegn exchange sister’s parents had a REALLY bad marriage and my sister was always in the middle breaking up fights and such…they fought when I visited her even. She has been with this guy for 10 years now. He loves her SO much and she him and he’s been such a good match for her…When she had a skiing accident and had to have a rod put in from her upper thigh to her ankle he was there for her and helpped her get better. I couldn’t see anyone better for her…they truly are the saying “soul mates.” He HAS proposed numerous times but because of her parents horrible marriage she was afraid along with the fact that she didn’t feel it was the right time so they continued to date/live together. Going back to where she had her accident some months ago she realized how he she loved him and he never left her side through her healing after the accident and all those years he was such a good “help mate.” She felt ready and that she felt it was “right” now- so she surprised him and proposed…funny thing is that she picked on him about “never to propose without a ring.” A few moments before she proposed he left for a moment to try to make a ring out of twine or a twig because he was going to propose again. When she proposed he started crying and said yes:)

    So after that story-I agree women should NOT propose to a man BUT in this instance of my exchange sister proposing I disagree because he had proposed many times before.

    • I agree, with the situation involving your exchange sister her proposing makes perfect sense. He already made it clear he wanted to marry her, and he did his part multiple times by taking action. I’m happy she was finally able to get past her fears and concerns. That is a great story : )

  5. I think a woman who takes the initiative to propose is definitely strong in character and secure in her relationship. Honestly, I would never do it (on,e because I am already married) and (two, because I fear rejection.) What if he says NO?!! The damage would be devastating. In front of family and friends?!! No way. He is doesn’t ask you or give you the smallest hint that he is at least thinking it over, I wouldn’t say leave him but let it go until he is 100% ready!

    Great article as always! :-).  

    • Not to take anything away from the woman who is brave enough to do it, but I don’t think it is always a case of strong character. Sometimes there are very negative reasons that fuel a woman to take such an action. Funny you mention “in front of family and friends” because for some people that is the best setup to decrease a persons ability to say no. Some are banking on the fact that you aren’t willing to embarrass them, so it is in essence a perfect trap for some that do it….Thank you, glad you liked the article : )

  6. Brilliant post. You’ve made this so clear to everyone. If women still go ahead without taking heed, then all I can say is this ‘those who don’t hear will feel’

    I loved the last paragraph subtitled: Side Note, this was the clincher for me, as I previously didn’t have an opinion on this topic. Now I do. 

    • Thank you very much Rum Punch. I just hope those you have done it or are considering it don’t take this the wrong way. I hope they understand what is being said and why I truly believe it is not in their best interest. 

  7. I agree completely…I wrote about the same thing on my blog. My friend has been with her man for 8 years now and she does everything for him but I can tell she is at that breaking point. He always teases her and says she’s not acting like a wife even though she is but I can tell by her reactions that she is on that if he doesn’t do it by the end of the year she is leaving. 

    • What does she really think is going to change in year 8? What incentive does he have to marry her if she is giving it all to him now? I don’t expect you to answer does questions, but she needs to ask herself those question and move in a better direction.

  8. I dont think women should ask a man to marry her. I think she should wait until he ask her. An besides it much sweeter that way. Does this mean she buys him a diamond and is ok with the fact that she is not getting one. after all the rools have changed. and does he get to plan the wedding the way he wants. i would have all these things going through my head it would drive me crazy. and its only fair that he get to pick seen how she asked. so lady’s leave well enough alone and when he is ready and wants to marry you he will ask. Everything comes at its appointed time!!!!1

  9. I agree, when  a man is ready to get married, he pops the question, no one has to force him, trick him or anything else. When a man is ready he makes the move. If he never gets ready, these is nothing wrong with that, but a woman should be prepared to move if his schedule doesn’t match hers. If you do have to move on, realize it is a good thing.  I am a liberated type woman and all that goes with that and I have been happily married 22 years. Another good article, thanks for sharing.

  10. This is great, and so true. Many women need to read this

  11. I usually find your blog very interesting. However, I don’t understand why a man has to propose. If a man proposes, does he not run the same risk if a woman proposes… rejection. Also if a woman makes it known that she is looking for him to commit and take the next step or else… does that not also force the man into a corner the same as if the woman proposes. My thoughts on this subject are simple. If a man wants to propose then he will… without threats or intimidation. Women need to be patient and quiet, even if they don’t think a man is moving fast enough. A women should also set a time limit in her mind and move on with her life if she is no longer satisfied with the relationship. Keep the marriage threats and intimidation out of the relationship. Pressuring a man to marry you after a few months, weeks , or days is crazy. Discussing marriage after a year is okay provided your relationship has grown and you are curious about what your man is thinking and you want to let him know that you want a real family. However, I know couples that have never married and are still together after twenty plus years.

  12. I think both should mutually propose, in so far as letting the man know you want him right back but as far as the real proposal it's the one thing I think is really traditional and would take a man;s thunder away if the woman did it…

  13. I am glad you agree with me I am old fashion and believe a man is suppose to do what is suppose to do and be a man….I been single since 2004 and ppl say approach aman you like I tell them I am not a man….I am patience when my solider comes I will be ready…Thanks again keep it real#Realtalk

  14. NOPE! ABSOLUTELY NOT! NO! IT IS NOT THE ORDER OF GOD! HE THAT "FINDS" A WIFE!

  15. I can only speak for myself as a quirky, yet very strong woman. I take charge in my work life and I have been even told I am like a steam-roller at times. I have learned with men, to wait and see if the man is strong enough to make the moves AND likes me enough. When it comes to love and marriage, he needs to be able to ask me. Why? Because I want to see he has a lot of skin in the game. He’ll be dealing with my personality for many years and I need a man that can take the lead when it comes to affairs of the heart.

  16. I agree with a woman not proposing. But I also think a woman needs to woman up and say she is looking for marriage from the beginning. I'm more interested in finding the person for me, and not necessarily for getting any man to put a ring on my finger. As is proven by the 2 out of 3 marriages that end in divorce, marriage does not mean unconditional love or a lasting relationship. Some women are SO CONCERNED about getting that ring, they'll do anything. Unconditional love doesn't have a time limit, especially one that's set by a stranger or their friends or family. That's why you seek God and let Him being your husband to you. Because even if it takes time to get married, you know that the man you're with has been given by God.

  17. This is so true. I stalled too long wuth an individual who stated after 9 months of dating that he did not believe in marriage. I stayed six unfulfilling years thinking the things I did would change his mind. Lessons learned, no regrets. Saving myself for who God is preparing and praying that I did not wait too long waiting on the wrong one

  18. So what about when you first meet you both agree to a date of when you will be ready to marry and the women later because her situation changes wants to marry early but the man desires to stick with his plans originally agreed upon. Is he wrong?

  19. A good friend of mine asked her husband to marry her and they are very happily married. Worked for them….

  20. I have seen men in long term realtionships whose unfaithful to their partners, while the partner thinks he is committed to her!

  21. I read your articles often! I wish this would have been out a couple months ago!! My Guy and I have been together for two years now.. He has brought up marriage a few times. But has never asked asked. He knows how I feel. I believe in marriage and God. He says he wants forever and marriage. Sooo I asked, he said yes. I said I'm serious- Vegas. He said he was too. Went to Vegas came home – not married… We are still together he now says he want a diffiarent kind of wedding. We live together. However I do not believe we will marry.. So I'm constantly batteling what I want what I need and what God says is right.. An the man that I love that says forever with out action on a wedding…

  22. I read your articles often! I wish this would have been out a couple months ago!! My Guy and I have been together for two years now.. He has brought up marriage a few times. But has never asked asked. He knows how I feel. I believe in marriage and God. He says he wants forever and marriage. Sooo I asked, he said yes. I said I’m serious- Vegas. He said he was too. Went to Vegas came home – not married… We are still together he now says he want a diffiarent kind of wedding. We live together. However I do not believe we will marry.. So I’m constantly batteling what I want what I need and what God says is right.. An the man that I love that says forever with out action on a wedding…

  23. I just totally agree wiv dis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good One Stephan

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