stephan speaks relationship expert logo

You Are Not In Love, You Just Love What He Represents

not in love woman smiling in wedding dress

You are not in love. Let me repeat, you are not in love. I am saying this multiple times because some of you need to finally acknowledge your situations for what they really are.  Far too long many women have carried on with a relationship that shouldn’t be. You used “love” as your validation but things are not what you have presented them to be and you know it. Your agenda and/or your fears will not allow you to be real with yourself, your man, or the friends/family involved. I understand you “love” the guy as in you do care about him. Hey I love/care about everybody but I know very well that the deeper connection needed to sustain a healthy romantic relationship will not exist with everybody I “love”. So how about you confess what this is really about. Let the world know what is really motivating you to be in this relationship.

For so long many women have been taught that getting married is part of their purpose. That having a man who marries them is some sort of validation of their life. Being single or alone doesn’t feel good and it doesn’t look good. So for many women getting married is their version of the “Super Bowl” and she will stop at nothing to get that ring. What does this create? A great amount of women who are more concerned with getting married then they are with the man they are marrying. For those women it is a simple formula: find a good enough man + be a good enough woman for him (sometimes even if it means not being who she really is) +  overlook his shortcomings and lack of connection + wait long enough for him to propose = I GOT THAT RING!!!! That is it in a nutshell. She got her validation as well as finally shut up all of those family members who kept asking “so when are you getting married?”…“you know it’s about time you found a man” and whatever other crap they spew out that only further fuels these poor decisions. Sometimes the man is clueless to this. He actually believes she is in love with him, and because so many men are so out of tune with emotions they won’t pick up on the things that reveal how this woman really feels. Some women are really good at hiding the truth. They know how to do enough to make things look good and what things to say when someone attempts to call them on this relationship fueled by the wrong motives. They will do everything they can to convince you and themselves that this is the relationship for them. Don’t be fooled, they know the truth but the truth hurts and it will put their dream in danger. This man represents their chance to have a family and not be alone. He is the ticket to shutting everyone up, and validating her life in the eyes of others. She wants her damn ring and not even a unfulfilling relationship, and the fact that she is not in love will stop her from getting it.

The reality is that this is happening a lot more than you think. People are getting married or staying in relationships for the wrong reasons everyday and this is definitely one of them. A price will be paid for this decision, but at the moment the woman will convince herself that this can all work out. She may even say “I can grow to love him” which to me is a huge red flag when she has already been dealing with this man. As much as we get on a man’s case when they drag a woman through a relationship for the benefits she provides, well this woman is doing no better. If you are not truly into somebody then you should not be with them. Despite what you want to believe you are hurting them and you are hurting yourself. You can do plenty of good things for them but you will never be everything they need you to be because they are not everything you need them to be. The person you genuinely connect with will be able to bring things out of you that this person cannot and vice versa. Every person you lie to about what this relationship really is, is another person who may develop a false sense of what love and relationships should be. It’s no wonder that so many people view love and relationships with negativity and fear, they don’t even realize that in most of these failed relationships “real love” never truly existed in the first place. You can continue to contribute to the problem or you can let the truth set you free. The longer you allow yourself to hold on to a unfulfilling situation with a person you are not in love with, the longer you ensure that you won’t receive what is truly best for you.

Get your copy of my bestselling book God Where Is My Boaz: onKindlePaperback, or Audio Book format HEREYou can also get the PDF version HERE  

Share This Post:



Get The Best Piece Of Relationship Advice I’ve Ever Received For Free!

Enter your info below and join my VIP list.

Related Posts

58 thoughts on “You Are Not In Love, You Just Love What He Represents”

  1. you see it all the time! to settle just so you don’t have to start over! Why compromise your happiness, myself  marriage not for everyone. Myself have ran when they felt I was the one; most say foolish but I know I was not ready! That’s a huge commitment and I you can’t up and leave! When I decide to make that decision I want it to be forever! Take time and focus on yourself1 b/c theirs no I in team n when u become one that’s alot of work! They in for the ring but teaching themselves to love someone , that;s a horrible feeling been there n done that! so young lady’s take the time and love yourself first , wait on God you can’t go wrong!

  2. Joelle Paule

     Now my aunt thinks I should get with one of her longtime friend who is single and battered. I don’t know how to be fake when it comes to feelings, first of all the guy is at least 10 years older than me, and I am not attracted to him, but my aunt says ” I just want you to be happy”. I’m thinking if you want me to be happy why would you try to hook me up with that guy? there is a big age difference. The guy is already saying he loves me and all that crap, I’m not interested and I wonder if I should forward him this post of yours Stephan 🙂 so he can repeat multiple times I AM NOT IN LOVE LOL He is seriously in a hurry to  get married, have kids, because his family is also tired of seeing him single. He is a nice person for what he appears to be on the phone or the two times we met but I am not interested in him. I refuse to be unhappy but I also do not want to hurt my aunt’s feelings by saying look that friend of yours is too old for me. what to do?

    1. Just tell her the truth. Be honest about the lack of attraction, age, and whatever else is a genuine issue. If you aren’t straight forward with her then she will have a harder time understanding what your resistance is. That will only make her continue to bring this up and push for you two to get together. Just tell her how you feel and save both of you the unnecessary back and forth that will come with not being honest.

      1. Joelle Paule

        Ok Stephan will do so. Thank you

    2. In many cases like yours when family members try to get you hook up with someone they think it’s “perfect” for you, they usually are trying to get what they want instead of what they tell you “I just want you to be happy”. Never let that happen to you or you will regret. You have to be tough about this as Stephan alreaday mentioned. If you don’t stop it, your aunt will find you another guy if this one doesn’t work out. 

      1. Joelle Paule

        Man I hear you, I already told the guy himself that being in a relationship with him is not what I want. I haven’t had the talk with my aunt yet but sometimes next week it will happen, just been busy. Thank you for your advice

  3. Karmah2012

    More women need to read this article. You said all that needs to be said and the truth does hurt. The reality is often times we are not real with ourselves and its unfair for us as well as the person we are involved with. Do some soul-searching ladies!

  4. Wow. You speak the truth! There’s so much to “prove” in our society that women are willing to “put up with” instead of waiting for her soul mate. Great article!

  5. Leetjean

    This is an excellent article! Glad i chose to read it, definitely will share with other women. 

  6. Mike Wilcox

    Well the problem here is what kind of “Love” are you talking about? That fairy tale type of infatuation we all go through only lasts a couple of years and is hormonally based in both men and women. It does not last forever in anyone.  Most people “Settle”, realizing after years of dating that no one is perfect and neither are you. Real love is something that develops over time after the dopamine rush starts to dies out.

    1. I am referring to the deep connection love that goes much further than that initial infatuation. Some of us get so caught up in our infatuations that we don’t even allow ourselves the opportunity to experience that deep connection that I believe is necessary to sustain a happy and fulfilling relationship. People get so caught up with all the great things on the surface, but they marry people they don’t truly know or can even begin to understand. I honestly believe if we approached things correctly that the love some people dream about can be a reality. None of us are perfect, but there is someone out there that is perfect for us.

  7. Sandi

    so true i see it for myslef. in people and family members i know. its sad.

  8. CorianaBDR

    Amen…because I truely needed to read this and I’m only 18.

  9. Great blog post.  I have to totally agree with you.  At a certain age there is pressure to get married and oftent times it becomes a rat race to the alter.  I emphasize the statement RAT RACE.  But I place both parties responsible for this.  And the problem is deeply rooted in old tradition.  The good guys understand that at a certain point they should settle down so they are doing just that settling.  At the age where women are being reminded that they need to get married they change who they are to allow the men to settle.  Old traditions make us weary because in the 60’s and 70’s everyone was married by the age of 30.  So when our elders see that we are single and childless they put us in a frenzy.  It is a cycle but we as individuals have to recognize who we are and what we want before “our better halfs” can enter our lives. 

    Find my blog at and on Twitter at @ATLHappyHr

  10. Traditionally and even today marriages were business relationships. Its not that uncommon and love isnt going to keep it together. You can love someone and still not like them. Infidelity  finances, and abuse are the leading causes of divorce/break ups. None of those have anything to do with love.  Men psychologically think with their eyes (Havard School of Medicine) so lust really does lead us to love many instances. 

    1. That business approach has a lot to do with why the divorce rate is so high. It has a lot to do with why even children who grow up in two parent households develop a skewed perception of relationships and end up having difficulty in their own. I agree you can love someone but not like them but if that is the case in a relationship then it will likely have plenty of issues. In my opinion it is the absence of true love and a genuine connection that is the true leading causes for divorce. What you listed are in my opinion surface issues used to explain the problem but is not truly addressing the problem. Lust may lead us in to love but lust will never be love nor can it sustain a true connection.

  11. Karin Coger

    This is a great article Stephan.  I watched a friend go through something like this while in a relationship with a man that she had a good time with but I kept saying, you don’t like “him.”  I’m going to repost this! 

  12. MissNocturnal09

    What is truly sad is when people find that person that is right/perfect for them, but fear (cloaked as obligation or loyalty) keeps them in a relationship that is lacking and unfulfilling.

    1. Absolutely! It happens a lot more than people realize and it isn’t doing them or their partner any favors.

  13. Melissa Grimes

    I laughed a few times as I was reading this b/c I’ve been in that position before. I’ve had that thought of believing that I could grow to love that person, but not realizing that I was actually resenting him b/c I felt pressured. He went through so many phases of trying to figure out who he thought he needed to be for “ME”. I too kept questioning who I was. The bottom line is that it’s unhealthy, selfish, & just untruthful to yourself & others when you allow these type of of relationships to linger.

  14. LifeSecretLove

    I was almost “that girl”. Telling myself he was the one, only b/c I HONESTLY believed he was. It just felt so right even though he was ALL wrong! I started to pray for my relationship, but really and truly nothing could save us. I got pregnant. He then brought up the subject of marriage and I told him he wasn’t ready. I almost had my “happily ever after”, but I chose not to give in to the “disney princess syndrome”; the idea that all relationships end like a disney movie. Just because you want it to really bad doesn’t mean its meant to be and if you do get it don’t expect that “happily ever after”. If I weren’t pregnant I wouldn’t have thought that way. I love kids and I hate to see them in situations where the love n marriage was all wrong and their forced to suffer through, and grow up affected, by their parents bad first example of a relationship/marriage. In the end the baby didn’t make it neither did our relationship.

  15. C.D.

    Wow! I haven’t read a more honest & true article than this in a long time. I’ve been there, done that & trying not to do it again!

  16. BlackAssMeaux

    Women don’t start looking for real love until they age considerably or they can no longer get the attention of the men who would make their ‘ginas and butts tingle. When that happens then they will begin to seek real companionship. Until then many will seek marriage only as compliment to their ego and validation for their self-esteem. None actually intend on staying married or take the vow of marriage seriously. Today’s women are living in a society where women can fuck and chuck men at their disposal. As a man if you can’t put women on the emotional roller coaster and make her butt and vagina tingle you ain’t got nothing coming as far as love or relationships go. Maybe she’ll fuck you for a while but your not who she thinks she supposed to be with because she’s probably fucked men higher up the good chain than you. These are times we live in as dating love and relating goes.

  17. Ms.Cara T

    This is so true. I also encourage people not to settle for the “grow to love” syndrome. That in itself puts a person at a disadvantage going in from the start. I have seen what it can do to the people in that kind of situation. Great article.

  18. Lorinda Reddie

    this is a great article and i pray that someone will get a clue and want to do right. We live in such a superficial and selfish world.

  19. I am one of those women! And yes, I lied to him but mot importantly myself! It was for my kids, I wanted kids. My lie was, "Well, at least he will be a good father." Big mistake!

  20. I so know what u mean. I had my 1st child in college and said I would never have another child w/o being married. Thus began the hunt for a husband. NOT letting him find me. I knew the day of my wedding I was not marrying the man that GOD had 4 me. But I did it and then I felt compelled to honor my vows. Then the battle to have kids ( I should have had a clue then) We wind up having to do IVF and had twins. guess what…marrage still ended in divorce and instead of 1 kid alone, I then had 3. Lesson learn……If the true LOVE is not there on both part, it will be a near impossible relationship to make work!

  21. Manou Alexis Mondesir

    Woah, hopefully other people are reading this.. Stop rushing to get a ring, get to know the person

  22. I have first hand experience on this, saw the signs but sadly became deliberately naive, thinking she will grow to love me, and 5 years later decided to stop fooling myself and ended it.

  23. John M. Williams

    I hate articles like these that present men as…good enough…or emotionally detached…and the women as beyond reproach. Let’s face it…most black women have to marry down or be eternally single.

  24. Sprinkles McFeverish

    Very true.. actions, actions girls!!! Men will say whatever it takes, its their nature to lie.. women are different and they think men are like them.

  25. Been through this and it's sad reversing this a no simple job to do……feel sorry for myself and her…….

  26. Wow, I guess this is true on many levels but it doesn't sound like it describes the love I ever feel towards a man that I claim I love.

  27. Barbara Ward-Mathis

    That was truly deep and on point. Reality check is on place. Thank you.

  28. Casandra Sartain

    This is so one of a woman that goin thru it experienced it.and I'm truly standin on matter what cituation cause it tought me a better woman and never to give up on the most valuable thing in my children they deserve,to know all truth praying always making the right choices.and its my parenting to guide them and ask God to lead there path and give me wisdom to know how to make that right decisions on how they will make the right choices.cyber is real its all here to destroy his good fruits in family friends..cause it came thru when I let it enter my home for helping her..but I'm the blame for opening that door and comfort a miserable woman,thought was a friend after my husband warn me about this friend …and still I did not still here trying to ruin wishing for my husband all on media that she wats to marry him.but my main focus is just taking care of my children and makin sure I don't loose myself by thinkin so hard how could this happen to my family.we always my husband and I always ask God to help us make it thru this hurt and burden.all we have is faith in God.we are in a struggle against what's true,loyalty and honesty.

  29. Ndome Mbonjo

    Thank you Mr Stephan your websites have been a very big relief to I see myself in most of the article on relationship .your articles have been a blessing to me,i wish I have known about your website longtime ago I will not making the same mistakes all the time and making excuses.your article are right on point,make a lot of sense and a lot of truth to both genders.may the lord almighty continue to bless you .

  30. Nicola Campbell

    I've been there trying to do what is right for my kids remain with him for 10yrs jus to end up no where

  31. Hi. Stephan Labossiere i ready. Ur post all the time but this on hit the nail on the head for me i would. Really love to communicate with u on a different. Level. Because mental. I am mess up and to move forward. I think i need to speak. To a professional. Thanks. In advance

  32. Tracy Nixon

    Why do the men stay and accept this, don't they know the difference or does it matter?

  33. This is true. Some women will use the word love to fill a gap that they are tired of replacing. They rather fake it than make it. If mentally a relationship is there it blocks the opportunity to seek or the want to be found options. Once hurt accepting a mere fraction of what is wanted is better than keep looking and finding Mr. Wrong. This is a way to stop emotional attachment.

  34. peachy1

    I don’t want the relationship I’m in I told him and expressed this to his father but he won’t leave he’s said he only wants to wake up to me and asked me the same “I exclaimed to him no” he was so distraught at that moment I seen tears in his eyes &he was shaking”@that moment I felt fear for him and myself”. And for that moment I lied to him to let him go on with his day in which he couldn’t focus on @work. Well now he’s worse off, he’s become garish, a pig headed “feeling as if he’s got the relationship or me on lock. We already share one child whom is 10& as I try to better myself there’s a roadblock thrown at me in many ways that he contributes to. I started working and decided I were going to stack, pack &go & low and behold I’m 7wks pregnant, smh, I’m lost for words. But I still want to leave. Seriously stuck, any advice helps..

  35. Vernisa Romain

    very true and what we put out is what we get so if we are lying and pretending we are in love the man would do the same also

  36. Well said good bro. I wrote a similar piece for the relationships category of my blog last year. I'm going to repost your article on my page. Maybe if the ladies hear this concept often enough, they will get the msg, help themselves and make us better men. Great job.

  37. Mel Gause

    Absolutely true. Just knowing someone is there…..isn't a validation of love or long term commitments. Stop and LOVE who you are first. GET YOUR LIFE.

  38. Jason Roberto Cabrera

    Hey Stephan, Good Read. Do you think you can explain what your opinion of the term "Real Love" is? in relations to this article…

  39. Interesting perspective that my life's experience validates. I married twice, divorced twice. Both times, the women admitted to marrying me because they "had to get married" and knew I would take good care of them. I hold no grudges (which is good for everyone), but, I am very sad to be 53 and alone, rather than 53 and with a real partner. 🙁

  40. It's well man. U ought to be sad after 2 failed marriages bt u hav to be with someone who truly loves u for who u r not just that she needs to get married. Be greatful that ur previous partners actually opened up to u along the line.

  41. T.G

    This is true but just as a woman uses a man a man does the same it seems today it’s more of a business transaction than for love. I believe a lot of us use the words and validation for connecting to one another is superficially supplied. Love exists, but today were so caught up in what everyone else thinks and how we look as supposed to taking responsibility for our own actions. Be responsible with each others hearts, that welcomes love In a open space and mind..

  42. Danni V

    Stephan, Men do a similar thing. The difference is men figure: By this time, when i am making said amount at this age—I am gonna get married. And it really doesn’t matter who the woman is, she just should be present at the time when he is ready to commit to the settled life style. Who ever she is, he just inserts her in that particular juncture of his life. The Word of God only chides that a woman is to RESPECT the man and love will come to them, while that may be true and workable in the woman’s case. While the Word of God says, that a husband should Love his Wife and if men just insert said woman, here—Is that love and just fulfilling a contract and the duties within it? Stephan, your reply please?

  43. Amanda Louise

    I always go with my gut feeling, if something’s not right or I’m not feeling it that’s the END. Although I’m sure I’m not the only women to admit I have ignored those feelings because I don’t want to START OVER or BE ALONE.

  44. F8thwalker

    I’ve warned many men that women can pretend real well and will play the “the roll” for a long time to get what we want.
    We are great deceivers and actresses and men are too clueless to see through the facade. They are too enamored with her outer appearance and his misconstrued perception of women as being innocent and harmless to notice the cold calculating heart underneath that secretly gates you and the unfulfilling life you forced her to choose. After all you are a good man who offered her an opportunity that may never come from someone else even if you aren’t the right man for her. So she had to take, that’s what society dictates for her to do and she’s just a victim of circumstance.
    So after a 10 or maybe 20 year marriage she can say “So long sucker” and walk away leaving a guy blindsided, broken and wondering what did he do wrong. You didn’t take her selfish nature seriously and gave excuses for her insolent behavior. Wake up what you see is what you get and if you don’t leave you deserve it all. Sometimes even men don’t know their self worth.

  45. Brooke James

    Why is this article solely focused on women duping themselves and everyone around them into believing they are in love? Just because this is not something that our society, despite its progression, harps on–that men just want to find someone to love and marry even if it means they’re with the wrong person–does not mean that it doesn’t exist equally among genders. I will agree that this is a problem among people which is resulting in a higher-than-ever divorce rate, but it is certainly not gender specific. It’s just a matter of what people choose to see. If we see a couple that we think is wrong for each other we automatically assume that it is the female who is staying with him just for the sake of being “in love.” This is because that is what our society focuses on and instills in people’s minds. We glorify independent men yet we scrutinize independent women. Truth be told, though, seeking companionship is an innate trait of all humans, male and female. I have witnessed just as many men holding on to toxic relationships as I have women and I do not think it is fair to continuously paint women as these desperate beings longing for a male companion to make them a “loving” wife.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get my Best Advice

Get The Best Piece Of Relationship Advice I’ve Ever Received For Free!

Enter your email below to join the VIP list.

Manifest the Man Starter Kit

Popular Posts