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Double Standard: My Thoughts On This Neverending Issue

Posted by Stephan Labossiere in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating, Intimacy | 35 comments

Previously I wrote a blog post titled “Why How Many Men She Slept With Shouldn’t Matter” and it has received a lot of attention. The premise of the post was to simply say we should not judge a woman on her past. Who she was then is not necessarily who she is now. There were many those that greatly appreciated the article but there were also many who blasted it. Some referred to women who have been promiscuous as nothing more than “sluts” and “whores”. I made mention in the article that it shouldn’t be ok for men while women get chastised, slandered, and disrespected. One reader stated “Yes there is a double standard. It is expected of women to value themselves more highly then what we expect of men.” I wasn’t surprised but it was a little disappointing.

America is the place for freedom, liberty, and equality…unless we are talking women, sex, and relationships. Honestly we don’t do a great job of it in many other areas but let us focus on women,  sex and relationships. Women continue to get the short end of the stick and have to deal with an unfair double standard that has been around for centuries. We men are allowed to “sow our oats” while if a woman dares go down that path she better be ready for some backlash. Though I will admit that things are not as bad as they used to be we still have plenty of room to grow. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I want to see everybody go out and be all over the place sexually so to speak. I am a firm believer in waiting being the best thing to do. I just understand that most of us don’t make it that far, and I do not believe women should receive harsher judgment than men. If women are expected to value themselves I believe the same should apply to men. What is interesting is when people of any specific religion buy into the double standard. Last I checked I have yet to see any spiritual text stating “thou shall not fornicate, unless you’re a man”. So why does this double standard continue? Why won’t it go away?

For starters, women won’t let it. Yes, you heard me correctly. Some of the biggest supporters of the double standard are women themselves. That same article I referenced had plenty of negative comments made by women. Do you need more proof? Pay attention as female friends get together and slander the next woman for what she chooses to do. Watch as mothers raise their daughters one way, and not apply the same standards to their sons. Let’s take it even further with the kids. The children see and hear how other women are judged by their own families, yet the actions of the men do not get the same treatment. All of these things play into the continuation of the same double standard that so many women are upset about. If you want to put an end to it then it must start with yourself. You can’t play along with it and expect it to somehow go away. Women should be mindful of this but I can’t let the men that push the double standard off the hook.

Many men have no desire whatsoever to end the double standard. It works to their advantage and gives them the freedom to get away with a lot more than women. In my opinion, what some people fail to realize is that the biggest factor driving men to push the double standard is not an issue of equality or certain beliefs. It is really about control and ensuring that more women do not cross the lines that a lot of men prefer they did not. As it pertains to sex and relationships, many men can be egotistical and territorial. They love the idea of having the woman who nobody else had or only very few can say they have had. So to keep more women in that box, making you feel horrible is a great way of doing that. Slandering any woman who crosses the line of promiscuity will make the next woman think twice about doing the same. I have seen men use this tactic on women in so many ways and I have seen it work to perfection. What some of these men fail to realize is that it doesn’t always work the way they think. Plenty of women still explore their options sexually more than men realize; they simply hide it better and are not as willing to be forthcoming about their “adventures”. So this double standard has actually crippled relationships because now many women don’t feel they can be open and honest about things for fear of being judged. That inability to open up can at times lead to other issues and in the end a failed or unfulfilling relationship.

I’m not sure if we can ever be rid of the double standard. For every man and women that is against it there are just too many that are for continuing it. We can still make a decision as individuals to take a different approach. Again my message in this article is not about whether it is right or wrong to live how we please sexually. It is about holding both men and women to the same standard of character. Though I feel the roles that men and women play in a relationship do have its differences for the most part, it does not diminish the fact that we are of equal value in a relationship. We should both strive to be the best individuals we can be and double standards just don’t help the cause.

Related Article: Why How Many Men She Slept With Shouldn’t Matter

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  • ShaniceR

    I agree completely that men and women should be held to the same standards. Its unfair that any woman has to be ashamed of her past, or even her present. As adults we should be able to make decisions regarding sex without fear of judgement from others. I do agree also that women probably contribute to this double standard more than men. I think part of it has to do with some difficulty promiscuous women cause women who aren’t. Its harder to get some men to take you seriously or spend time on you when there are so many who don’t require that effort. Its my personal opinion though that a man worth being in a relationship with has evolved his thinking past caring about things as minute, in the grand scheme of things, as your number of sexual partners.

  • Tweet Me @_teeCheifington ;)

    Great post! This is the same type of thing that I preach to people everyday! Especially in the black community, I don’t think common sense will override the ignorance of double standards. As studies show, women think about sex more than men, plus it’s easier for us to get it without hurtin’ feelings or using “game”. If I was a man, I’d rather have a woman that’s sexually secure instead of trying to use our relationship as a time for her to explore her sexuality…which we all know equals PROBLEMS.

    • I had to respond to this. Being sexually secure is not mutually exclusive to “exploring her sexuality”. What is life without exploration? What woman do you know that is sexually ‘insecure’ that is exploring her sexuality? I know none. 

      I am sexually secure and my relationship, due to our security, trust, and respect for each other, we do explore sexually. In fact, that is exactly where I get 80%, if not more, of my fodder for my blog on sex.
      I find your message very frustrating, it seems to be putting women in a box again. If you explore sexually, then you must be insecure. That is terribly misguided and damaging to women attempting to have a healthy sexual relationship with their significant other. 

  • Authenticfaces

    Great perspective!!. It will forever go one. Men have been trained that way, since day one. It’s biblical as well. So many churches give selective teachings when it comes to women. Some will minister about all the wrong women did, but never mention the good things or prophetess in the Bible. Luke 13:10-13,the woman was loosed from her infirmity after 18 years. But the religious leaders were so caught up in her being healed in the Sabbath, they overlooked the fact that she had been healed. But for them it was okay to loose their donkeys and ox to get water in the Sabbath.In my opinion it’s like they cared more for any animal than the woman. In John 8, where the woman caught in adultery, they only bring the woman to the courts, to be judged and stoned but they didn’t bring the man. I’m quite sure she wasn’t alone. It’s conditioning. We as people have to be more aware of our worth and God’s grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

  • Pamagneta

    This is so true. It’s not about being a “whore”, it’s about being respected as a human being. No one should be disrespected because of their number of sexual partners. And women need to stop and really examine their actions.Whether it’s degrading another woman for her actions, or raising her children according to the double standard, it’s only harmful to her and her daughters. She’s perpetuating values that only serve to keep women in social bondage. How many women have been destroyed and discarded like human trash? How long will this continue? Tearing down another woman doesn’t make you a better woman. As head of our families in many cases, we shouldn’t still be dealing with these issues. We have responsibilty to teach our children proper values; and that goes for our boys as well.

    •  As an aside I wish words like “whore” were in the same category as the “f” word & the “n” word . . . inherently judgmental words have no place in an enlightened society.

  • Janice Moore12

    Very good point you made, yes their is a double standard so that’s why as a woman, I keep all my distractions to myself. I know they why think about woman who have crazy sex they why they do.

  • Pooblyshus39

    I think this post is one of your best ones yet… I beleive that us women can learn alot from one another instead of us going against each other. Besides the men do. I think shanice is right about the promiscuous women.But why can’t we see this from a better point of view. Having women that are pomiscuous could be a benefit for the women that are not.. Most men want to marry respectful, kind hearted and sexy women. They play with those that are not. We can also weed out the men that just want loose woman from those that wants a future with you. But from your professional opinon, How long should women wait to find out if he is the marrying type or not? I know one woman who waited the 90 days, Didnt work, One young lady waited 7months, didn’t work. His true color surfaced after she was 5months pregnant. He hid himself so well. One woman has been waiting for 11months. Now she thinks that its safe to sleep with him. Sex is a big part of a relationship. “Maybe I should give in..” I told her if he is pressuring you he is not for you. and to buy your book..I know I have a lot of subjects in here. Sorry. I was trying to be short..

    • I am one who believes that women are very smart and very intuitive. Rarely does a man hide his true colors so well. Women usually pick up on certain things but they choose to ignore it. They will praise their intuition when convenient but they won’t trust it when necessary (which should be always). So in regards to how long one should wait it can vary. That woman should be able to say that she genuinely believes this is the best man for her. Many can’t do that with the person they are with but that doesn’t stop them from trying to push forward. The fact that your friend has to say “maybe I should give in” means she likely isn’t truly ready or comfortable with it. Therefore she should not do it.

      • Pooblyshus39

        Thank you so much.. I told her not to do it..She picked up on a lot of flaws that he has and yet she is ignoring it. Just like you said…I’ll try and tell her again 🙂

  • TheTruthKills

    That double standard is easy to explain. The reason women are seen as “whores” for sleeping with a lot of men is because women dictate sex. Sex is only going to happen if the woman wants it to happen (otherwise it’s rape or assault). Given that, it would be difficult to hold men and women to the same standards. 

    • I understand what you’re saying but I still feel both can be held to the same standard in this regard. The man can do better with not chasing after sex and the woman can do better with not being so quick to allow it. It’s like having babies. I don’t think we should just say “women need to stop having so many babies” because we can also say “men need to stop having unprotected sex and impregnating these women”. So it still takes two to tango even if one is leading in the dance. 

      • TheTruthKills

        Well said

  • Megapsycho84

    Yep..another simp article

    • Based on my understanding of the word “simp” and it’s definition I don’t see how it applies here. Either way you are entitled to your opinion.

  • Facepalm35

    Smhl…I’m sorry, but the number of sex partners will and always will matter no matter what gender, in my eyes you’re a whore if you are a man or woman with multiple sex partners! STD’s are real and I sure wouldn’t want to be with a person if they have a strong possibility of having one due to their wild lifestyle. People should be more focused on maximizing their career, staying fresh or pure until they find the right one. I’ve said this plenty of times “sex” doesn’t make the relationship but TRUST and “matching” or “complimentative” personalities do, if neither of those exist you have nothing! Even the Bible cut no man or woman any slack “Thou shalt not commit adultery” no matter if you are a man or woman if you are “promiscuous”, a “whore”/”slut” or whatever you want to call it, it was still seen as wrong. Again, I’m cutting no man or woman any slack because they both can be super slutty HOES in my eyes! LOL!

  • You may not want to rely on the “women won’t let it” bit – there is a lot of psychology behind the mind of the oppressed. There are similarly a lot of African women that passionately support female circumcision and we know that’s “interesting,” right?

    • It is not a “bit” and it is not something I “rely” on. It is simply a factor in regards to the Double Standard that exists today. 

  • Daddny2020

    The same men that judge women that way are the most faithful customers at the strip club. And some aren’t that mentally confident enough to deal with a mentally strong women who will do what she wants regardless of what society has set for her. Unfortunately it reminds me of the thinking of the days of slaves. I mean one group of people think another should be one way just because they decided for them to be. As long as its in the legal realms of today’s society a woman should be able to do with her body what she wants. I think if it would be up to some a woman place would only be limited to home. Also we “men”, brag about how we where kings before and as the kings before had many women then we should too. But some of us don’t know about women like Cleopatra who was a queen that used men like Cesare and a few other men to get her crown from her own family. I mean this is something that’s been going on forever and probably will be. I think with all these intelligent minds posting on this that we should maybe discuss the women who are forced to sleep with many men maybe to get money to survive and maybe how we can help stop that. But the women who freely choose to should without be slandered….just my opinion.

  • LCE 24-7

    Refreshing to finally see a man say this double standard is unfair! Although unfair ladies we need to start making better decisions when it comes to who we sleep with. Not every man you meet is worthy of getting the cookie. ijs

    • David Munday

      This article is ridiculous. Almost any woman could go out today and have sex with 30 different strangers between now and midnight. A man couldn’t do that IF HIS LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. So how can you measure their behavior with the same yardstick….(that question is rhetorical)

  • DJDEX

    double standards do need to die. all it does is give us excuses to not act right. even women question men who don’t live by these double standards. its not fair to our future or our present. People who live by these standards only raise future generations who end up in damaged or cause damaged relationships. just do right u should want your other half to be treated equal as you. Be a man, Be a woman, But be right. Good article my dude

  • Get A Commitment

    It is a simple matter of sexual economics. Because men generally want sex more than women (please don’t even argue against that basic fact!), then women have something of value that men want.

    Regardless of gender, when you have something of value, yet give it away for free, you are considered “foolish, dumb” or not having good sense of self value. When you are able to “con” someone into giving you something of value away for little or nothing, then you are considered “clever, smart, cunning, superior” etc.

    Therefore, double standard will exist as long as male libido is generally stronger than female libido.

  • Jazziepooh1994

    I have seen this ” Double Standard ” In my own house hold. A girl that was afraid to even go out most of the time, because they said to her that aint nothing open this late ( by late 10’O clock” but legs? but my brother who is now 17 and was out past 10 since he was 15 was not ridiculed and or told the same speech. My mom says that boys and girls are way different and should be treated as such. But if I was not allowed to go on dates til I was 16 y is he granted that privilege at 14? it all goes back to the Double Standard. Woman were raised to see. ..I hate it. It made my life a lot harder.

  • 7iThor

    Excellent article! I was feeling some resentment about another double standard that exists in our society and I came across this article. Even though it’s not the same issue it actually helped me deal with the resentment that I was feeling. Thanks.

  • D. Jinx

    I really wish that I could have found this article closer to the time it was originally posted so that I could school these readers.

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