couple on beach while man embrace her

You Can’t Change Her, You Have to Embrace Her.

Today I was talking to a good male friend of mine. He mentions that he recently had talks with some women about being in love and things of that nature. One of the things he took away from the conversation is that women fall in love with the men who can accept them as they are and never expect them to change. I responded with, “I agree to some extent, but not completely”. I explained that though I believe that it’s true that loving them as they are is a huge factor and is important, but how can anybody feel like we can’t expect them to ever change. I mean, we all have flaws and things we need to improve. Relationships involve two different people and in order to truly create and maintain a happy and fulfilling environment there will naturally be some adjustments that have to be made.

As the day went along, I felt this issue weighing heavy on my heart. It’s like I felt guilty and my response was simply a subconscious attempt to validate and justify how I have handled things at times in the past. I started to really process the whole concept and I started to feel like maybe I am not looking at this correctly. When I really got down to it, the whole concept is not at all different from what I say in my relationship book How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You…If You’re Her Husband. So why haven’t I fully applied this, or fully embraced it in some of my past situations. The answer is simple, when you’re in the actual battle, you just don’t always see things as clearly as you should. You become so caught up in what you’re trying to achieve that you become blinded by winning this “war” without paying attention to all the casualties along the way. So I have had my moment of clarity and I would like to share it.

We as men need to stop trying to change her (our women) by our means. We need to accept and realize that insults, complaining, dwelling on the negative, and playing games does not help us achieve the results we are truly hoping for. Women are not built like us, so though these methods make some level of sense in our head, it only causes more damage to our women. You contribute to insecurities and negatively impact her ability to feel comfortable with you. She may already know she has these issues, but your persistence to kind of rub it in her face only pushes her further away from you. So you have to embrace her, but don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean you can’t express your desires or what you would like from her. This doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t embrace improving any areas of genuine concern. It just means that you should focus on loving her the way she needs even when she isn’t making that change as fast as you would like it. As long as she is willing to try and move in a better direction, trust that your love will give her the fuel she needs to make the necessary corrections. Focus on loving her for who she is, and let GOD/Love push her to become everything you need her to be.

In the end I know this is hard, but trust it is what’s best. You have to accept that you can’t change her, only she can change herself. When you embrace her with love you can contribute to facilitating an environment to promote the needed change, but a negative approach will hinder it. The better we understand our women, the more we can contribute to having better relationships. A woman has a hard enough time bringing down her walls and letting a man in. Let’s stop giving her more reasons to keep those walls up, and do what we need to do to destroy the same walls that stop us from being able to enjoy the love that we men and our women deserve.    

Side Note: Don’t do this simply for the sake of trying to change her. Do this because it is what she deserves. You can be one of her greatest sources of joy, or one of her greatest sources of pain. It is completely up to you to decide which one you will be.

Related Article: Stop Nagging Woman

22 Comments
  • Eagles Re
    Posted at 17:56h, 04 April Reply

    Very good, I left relationship as was abusive why oh why do men think they have to change us, we know our weaknesses and are a work in progress with God’s help we will change if necessary often changes some men want are selfish and not for our good.

    • StephanLabossiere
      Posted at 19:13h, 04 April Reply

      Well I am happy you were able to remove yourself from that situation. Some changes are selfish and some are for the best. What we as people have to understand is that the true fuel for change is Love (which is of GOD) and not this negative approach many of us adapt. Problem is many of us don’t know how to properly love individuals and that creates a warped sense of how we go about handling that person and our desire to see them do better.

      • lioness
        Posted at 22:06h, 05 April Reply

        Couldn’t agree with you more

  • Candice Jarrett
    Posted at 22:04h, 16 April Reply

    I love the way you think. You are like the male me. LOL. For real though, Great post as usual. 

    • StephanLabossiere
      Posted at 01:04h, 17 April Reply

      thank you : ) glad you like it

  • Essiejai_Sj
    Posted at 18:57h, 22 April Reply

    Yes and NO! How to say this? Men/Women need to accept and love the person they are with unconditionally. It is not ones job to even ask for someone else to change because we see something we judge as a flaw. You know the so called “Flaws” we see in another are really just the things we dislike the most about ourselves. Consider the person you love as a mirror, and when you see something you think could be better in that person, look inside yourself. More than not that person will be showing you something within you that you need to work on. Outside change only comes from inside change of ourselves. The Bible says before we try to take the splinter out of another’s eye, we should remove the plank from our own eye, so as to be able to see more clearly. 

    Love is to be an unconditional commitment of acceptance of me just as I am and of you just as you are. When we leave judgment behind and focus completely on LOVE, then we fail to see others shortcomings (if they are shortcomings at all). It is amazing if we simply LOVE people and never judge them good or bad, we stop seeing their shortcomings. We begin to live a peaceful life journeying on the path together hand in hand. 

    My Soul Greets Your Soul, and respects it,
    Namaste 
    Sallyjane

    • StephanLabossiere
      Posted at 11:41h, 24 April Reply

      I agree with you completely. Not to sure which aspect you were saying “No” to, but either way I think we are on the same page here : )

  • Dejuan
    Posted at 04:03h, 24 July Reply

    I agree with this but to some extent women try to change men.

    • Stephan Labossiere
      Posted at 02:30h, 27 July Reply

      Absolutely they do and I will definitely address that in a separate post. I just usually like to speak to one gender at a time, so this one was geared towards the men.

  • Newjam26
    Posted at 19:47h, 28 February Reply

    Wow…..this is awesome….i do agree with you sir….

  • Renee
    Posted at 06:45h, 06 April Reply

    I love this article because as a young ambitious woman, still maturing and learning about herself, I didn’t realize that I could’ve contributed to the reasons why my relationship went sour. But then i also realized that maybe if my man wasn’t so mean to me his love and support could’ve easily guided me through the changes needed to make me a better woman for him.

    A man should know that his woman loves him and no matter how strong, stubborn, and/or damaged she may be his love and patience will encourage her to reciprocate love and patience. But unfortunatly this common sense isn’t recognized by a lot of men… Come on ladies and gentlemen! Its taking too long for us to bridge these gaps!!!

  • ymartin3
    Posted at 15:42h, 29 July Reply

    Right, negativity often exacerbates the issue(s). When constructive criticism is rendered properly and in love and proactive support, however, it tends to achieve the desired results more quickly.There’s nothing more hurtful than destructive criticism from someone you love.

  • Whose Apple Empowerment Center
    Posted at 14:06h, 12 December Reply

    I noted the self-awareness in your thought process. That's Job !. I take issue with the statement "everything you need her to be…." Question? Is ever right or wise to expect or demand that any individual be"what we need them to be?" Too many of us blinded by past truama or negative life experiences to even remember who GOD created us to be. So say we finally get there…we have shed all the layers of pain from our souls. Now we are becoming more and more who God created in us. But problem, now we are still not what somebody else "needs us to be."

    Let;s all try two things here:

    1) Stay in your sphere of control – that excludes everybody in your life who isn't you! Often we have issues we are not seeing. Everybody else sees what only we, ourselves, can change. Simply state, you have to realize you ARE the problem to even see you HAVE a problem. Don't shoot the messenger on that one….

    2) No more blaming others for our issues. Question: How would it be if we all stopped chosing relationships with people who are neither capable or willing to appreciate or reciprocate our values? If we make that bad choice, whose bad is it? You can't push a rope!

    Linda F. Williams, MSW
    WhoseApple.org

  • Stephan Labossiere
    Posted at 02:47h, 16 December Reply

    I completely understand where you are coming from. What I mean by that statement is for example, a man who is married may need his wife to be more loving and affectionate. She may struggle with this either due to past issues before him or with him. By him taking the approach pf pouring love into her and not more negativity, he has a much better chance to get her to be "what he needs her to be". It isn't really about changing her, but helping pull out her full potential.

  • Lucie Chihandae
    Posted at 03:28h, 24 February Reply

    Yeah men need to speak to our emotions not our heads. We dont need fixer uppers. We just want them to love us. Thats what makes us change

  • Whose Apple Empowerment Center
    Posted at 19:21h, 20 March Reply

    Mr. Labossiere,

    I agree that love is the key to being the change we want to see. However, the fact remains that its up to each individual to make that change. In your example, that woman could continue to blindly self destruct, relationship wise, if she fails to address her own internal healing. So, while that man is moving forward and being the "adult in the relationship." she goes forth either not noticing, not acknowledging or not reciprocating it.

    Let's talk motivation. If the whole reason that man is pouring out love has the ulterior motive of manipulating the woman into being what he wants, he may, eventually, get worn out with the whole thing.

    I think we are basically saying the same thing. However, the truth remains that each individual has a responsibility to self-awareness and honest self-evaluation that no other person can do for them. You can;t control anyone but yourself, and that only with Gods help and by His grace. If the change is going to come, it is only sustainable from the inside healing it takes to flip the script on the past that covertly influences our perspective and behaviors.

    I just posted a blog that addresses this. You might want to take a look at it.

    Thanks for a lively discussion and thought provoking ideas! I'm sure I will see you on the publicity circuit as I have a Literary Agent and the book is in editing as we speak.

    Linda F. Williams
    LINDA F. WILLIAMS, BAOL, MSW
    Founder and Chief Operating Officer
    Whose Apple Empowerment Center

  • Eziy Chym N
    Posted at 13:45h, 03 April Reply

    Stephan pls can you send this to my boyfriend via his fbk account plzzzz his name I can send you his name privately on fb plzzzzz

  • Kimberly Terrell
    Posted at 02:27h, 07 April Reply

    I could kiss you for this one!!! This is exactly why I broke up with my ex!! He nagged me and complained about everything I'm not!!' It was just too much for me, I put him on call block and later dumped him, my mental and self-esteem COULD NOT TAKE IT!!!!!!! But now….I have peace ; )!

  • Odessa Brown
    Posted at 14:53h, 07 April Reply

    Stephan Labossiere I totally agree with this comments, You will draw more bees with honey… God draws us with love and kindness,not with a rod. A person with confidence will not tolerate someone who belittles them. The confident person will withdraw, they will not invest time in someone who doesn't believe in them…YYY should I? I am better than that.

  • Justice Samuel
    Posted at 15:10h, 07 April Reply

    Very true!!!

  • Linda Coleman
    Posted at 03:15h, 08 April Reply

    This was such a good read…This can also be applicable to women. Before my ex left I asked God to show me how to love him like he loves him. It was not easy and alot of times the pain of what we were dealing with won. However as I keep seeking strength and denying my emotions to take over I began learning unconditional love. I learned alot and because of that still love him he just didn't love himself enough to stay and work it out. I still hurt from the issues left unresolved but I'm a much better person for learning to see him with different eyes.. I share this with people and they don't understand how one can treat some this way. Sometimes you just got to share the spotlight..its not always about you.

  • Whose Apple Empowerment Center
    Posted at 19:23h, 14 June Reply

    Stephan Labossiere: This blog post inspired this. You asked that I contact you when it was posted. You may have missed my Twitter notification. So, here it is: http://whoseappleblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/dont-blame-the-jelly/

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