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Posted by on Sep 4, 2012 in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Marriage | 77 comments Tags: , , ,

Can You Forgive Someone That Cheated On You?

man who cheated holding hands on the couch

So you have been with your significant other for (insert time frame). Everything seems to be going well for the most part. You have your good times and naturally you have your rough moments. All in all you are ok with where the relationship currently stands and hope for the relationship to progress and be all you have hoped for it to be.

Then one day you find out that your partner has cheated on you. Maybe there were clues that led up to the official finding. Maybe you had a hunch but just wasn’t sure. Or maybe you never even saw it coming. Either way the fact remains that they have been unfaithful and you are devastated. The person you trusted to honor you in this relationship has betrayed you. They let you down, embarrassed you, and hurt you to your core. How can you recover from the fact that they cheated on you? Can you really get back into a relationship with them and expect that it can be a good, healthy, and successful relationship? Is forgiving them possible when you have to live with something as bad as being cheated on?

YES!…That is correct…yes all of these things are possible, but you have to understand what you are dealing with. First let’s start with forgiving them. You give forgiveness because it is best for you. Holding on to the pain of what has occurred does nothing but create more pain and disappointment moving forward. It eats away at you and whether you realize it or not, it hinders you in your life on a regular basis. Not to mention the fact that we all make poor decisions. This isn’t to minimize the seriousness of being cheated on, but the reality is that we have all done something to hurt others or may not have been in the best interest of another person. Forgiveness is freedom and many people are living in shackles wondering why things don’t get better in their life. When people hold on to negative energy they tend to operate in a negative manner. This will then create negative results. The power is in your hands to forgive and let it go. The quicker you do that, the quicker you can move in a better direction with or without that person.

So just because you forgive a person that cheated on you, that doesn’t mean you need to still be with that person. The reality is that if you’ve been cheated on, then there is an issue in the relationship or with that person. Either way there is an issue that needs to be addressed. Forgiveness is just the first step. Many people get cheated on, then the cheater says I’m sorry, begs to be taken back, and then the person who was cheated on eventually takes them back and tries to “move past it”. Well YOU CAN’T! Not if you aren’t going to sit down and truly discuss why the cheating happened, what may be wrong in the relationship, and how these things will be avoided moving forward. You see what you may realize in that necessary discussion is the things that fed into that person cheating may not be something you can fix or are prepared to fix. If not, taking them back is pointless. Again, should you forgive them? Absolutely, but do not overlook the fact that some situations can be fixed with proper communication while others need to be recognized as a relationship that needs to end. Maybe they aren’t truly ready or serious about the relationship. Maybe there is something that they need from you that has not been provided. Maybe they are still in love with an ex, ran into them, and obviously you know what happened next. No matter what it is, you have to try to talk about it in a calm and receptive manner. Attacking them out of anger (that is why forgiveness is the first step) will only create a situation where an honest and open discussion will be difficult to have. So truly address the issue, then based on that conversation determine if being together is possible and something that can be worked out.

Nobody likes the idea of being cheated on. It sucks and having to face that situation will always be difficult. Do not allow the pain of cheating to cloud your judgment. Always take a step back, remember to forgive, and then properly address/discuss the situation. Proper communication is always a good thing so embrace it even in moments like this. How others view you and your situation should not matter. This is between you and your partner, but do not be foolish to think that blowing up on them and walking away is going to solve anything. Neither will acting like you’re “over it” or trying to ineffectively “move past it”. Take a more positive open-minded approach, and you will get the results that are best for you…even if they aren’t what you had once hoped for them to be.

About Stephan Labossiere
is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of the #1 Best Seller "God Where Is My Boaz" as well as the Award Winning book "How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband". Stephan is on a mission to help men and women experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. He is a highly sought after coach and speaker who has been seen, heard and chronicled in various national and international media outlets. soulmate

77 Comments

  1. I got cheated on and believe me it wasn’t pleasant. Especially when you get cheated on with one of your close friend?? It took me a long time to forgive, I agree forgiveness is necessary in order to move on but I didn’t continue that relationship; just couldn’t get past the cheating. I also was able to forgive that person a year later. I called him and I said look I need to tell you this to feel better : I FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DONE A YEAR AGO! Trust me as soon as I said that, it’s like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. It felt good :)
     As mature, wiser and older I got today, I don’t know if I will forgive if cheating happens, and get back with the person honestly, I don’t know if I will. Guess I’m not at that point yet… 

  2.  

    Whoa, Cheating, or in Old School Speak “Stepping Out”, or
    like Chris Rock said “I Slipped into the @#$%!’.  We all fear it, and if we don’t we are either
    celibate, a virgin, or into free swinging mode.

    I dealt with it. What did I do when I found out? I hung up
    the phone. CUT IT OF WITH NO POSSIBILITY OF RECONSILING. I was in the Army,
    7000 miles away serving.  I called my fiancée,
    who did NOT want to break up when we came on orders for different locations, and
    proposed to me! I was like, whoa, this is for real. I said yes cause I know a
    good woman. So then 6 months later we depart to our stations with plans to
    marry. 30 days after I call, another guy answers… Well, 6  months later her daughters call me; He
    beating all of them up…No I wasn’t happy but life happens

    Yes Forgive them. And if you decide to reconcile, you MUST,
    MUST not only forgive, but work to put them back where they were.  A very good army buddy of mine went through
    this. I said the same thing to him. He thought I was crazy but the fact is if
    you forgive them with hopes of reuniting, the end goal is to embrace them 100%
    to their former goddess or god status, or whatever. That doesn’t mean they don’t
    have to go through an accountability period! No, I won’t be checking you every
    30 minutes, you’re grown. But if you cheated, be prepared. If you cheated on
    that sorority meeting/business development workshop with the girls, you better be
    happy with the local girl scouts!  And be
    prepared to have PROTECTED SEX for the next 6 months until both are certified
    STD FREE!

    I can honestly say that I have NEVER swayed from any female
    I said I want to have a monogamous relationship with.  Now, can you get me to commit though? That’s
    another question…. And would I reunite with a lady that cheated on me?  Chances are slim because I would never give
    you a reason to cheat.  That’s the first
    point. If it happens, it’s all because she wanted it. That makes it harder to
    reunite.

    • oh Moses Moses, how I love to read you. See why it’s hard for me to believe that you are single??? How old are you again? :) 

      •  Divorced/Single. To me there is no difference and I’m probably the oldest on Stephan’s’ Blog. Closer to 50 that 40.

        • Interesting :) 

    • Well Moses, my boyfriend for over a year cheated on me with his ex, and I found out at work!  I am so livid still.  This happened in November.  To top it off, he got her pregnant!  The fetus did not survive, but my whole deal is how do I deal with this?  He has been begging, and calling, and crying. I kicked him out, after I found out.  I was really hurt, and totally disappointed.  Everything he said he wouldn’t do, that I had already been through with other men, he did!  I just didn’t expect it!  I loved him with my whole heart, no worries, no stress, just love, and I am trying to work it out because of that, but it just doesn’t seem the same.  I get so sad, and sometimes cry because I just feel like I am just this person, that gets taken advantage of, simply because I open my heart.  I am a whole lot stronger, when I don’t have anyone in my life.  I just don’t know how to move forward.

      • Hello Tumekal,

        I really feel for you. Being cheated on is bad alone, let alone a lengthy affair, to boot, a pregnancy results from that affair.  This just shows there was a conscious desire to be there and deliberate efforts to hide their actions.  To address your feelings,  the pain is something that will take a very long time to get over, and will affect any possible relationships for the longest.  You  gave this man your all, and obviously he was not happy, and wanted something more.  Try not to allow that anger to consume you, and stop you from progress. I don’t think that you are weak in any aspect, and I say that because it does take courage to open up to another. You say you’re stronger when you don’t have anyone in your life, but try to remain strong when someone is in your life, so that you don’t get hurt again.  I’m not saying to be mean, or untrusting. But be just as strong, or stronger when you are in a
        relationship. Loving with your all and remaining strong within yourself can
        allow to see more of what’s in front of you. LOVE IS BLIND. Ask yourself:  Were there signs that I might have missed that allowed this to start, or go on?  And by all means, do NOT blame yourself. He stepped out, not you.  There’s your fuel to remain strong the next time. 

        About the man:  You did right by putting him out of your household. I don’t believe living together, and this is making your recovery harder. He is begging, crying, calling because he got busted. If he could, he would have carried on.  No doubt about that. Figure out a way to cut him out entirely. I mean entirely.  Hey, he calls the cell? Block his number so it never shows up. Download call control for free, put him on the blacklist. He calls the office, ask to have a new number. He asks to talk, you already know the result: He will beg, but you will be frustrated, hurt, angry all over again. It’s about you, not him. For a year, he thought about himself and his ex, not you.  Have you asked him why hasn’t he gone back to his ex? It is obvious it’s where he wants to be.  He did several things to screw things up forever. He was reckless with his promiscuity. How was he sure his ex wasn’t messing around as well? And he put you in that mess. He cannot say he used protection every time, for a year. That’s a BIG ONE. He cheated on you. He denied you time, companionship, communicating with you, and if you were living
        together, were the finances being split up with the ex? He could have been
        doing more for the house the two of you shared. He lied. The whole year, he
        lived a double life. That’s 3 big ones he did. He needs to be completely erased from your life, and as fast possible, and he needs to know that. Once the ex realizes that, that will hurt them more: YOU ARE NO LONGER A FACTOR IN MY LIFE

        I can’t tell you how you should move forward but the first step is shutting that door, toss the key and not looking back will get you in the right direction. My answer was longer when referring to him than you because the perpetrators actions are that big, but can be stopped. Shut that door, and then take those short firm steps in the right direction.

        2013 is gonna be even better for you.

        P.S. I say this to many that define love as you have to bring 50 percent to the table and I bring my 50 percent.  Dead wrong! That means each of you only brings 1/2 of yourself!  Love hurts because the true math is 1 x 1 = 1. The couple becomes 1. And when half of you gets takenaway, that ish hurts like hell, and for a long time.

        Have a wonderful 2013
        MOSES

      • This is my thought to your situation. Hopefully it helps. First things first, you will need time to heal.(how long? Depend on you!) You will HEAL, if you’re willing to move on with him/her or without. Some ppl don’t heal, like Dr. Love stated. But that is by choice.
         You will go through a lot of mix emotions whether you want to or not before everything in your mind, heart, and soul is completely healed. Shock (I can’t believe!) is usually the first one, anger or hurt, feeling like a fool, insecurity, etc.You have to be careful not to fall into revenge or unforgiveness. That only hurts you more in the end.
        Once you’re done with all the mix emotions, you have to make up in your mind and heart to forgive. And see if you can trust again. Some ppl can, if they allow their hearts to, but some ppl just can’t. And that’s when you will be able to make your mind up about staying in the relationship and working it out or moving on. Some ppl do not realize they have the best until they lose them. Messing up again will be the last thing on their mind once they do realize it and they’re blessed to have that person back. Just things that helped me through my trials I went through.. I hope it helps. A lot of suggestions that Dr. Love have is great too:-).

      •  Good Afternoon,

        It’s a new year and I just want to know how you’re doing. I’m hoping you took the opportunity to make this new year a launching point to take the first step and just completely sever communications with your ex. If you did, then you’re at 3 weeks and hopefully the sad days are fewer and fewer. They say if you continue a trend for 3 weeks or so, it becomes routine, and very likely permanent.

        That’s step 1.
        Step 2 is accept that you’re better off!

        Let us know
        MOSES

      •  Don’t it will be a waste. I tried it after cheating in a 2 year relationship  and the guy that cheated cried the blues. We still never communicated the way that we should have and 2 years later , here i am . he cheated the entire time and told me he didn’t know if he’d be able  to not cheat. I didn’t need him to say anything else after i found out. It was never the same anyway after he cheated because i thought of him as genuine before and a good guy and fo r him to just have unprotected sex with a stranger for kicks. let me know that i meant nothing to him .

  3. Yes I can forgive someone who cheated on me – because if I don’t forgive them ? THE LORD won’t forgive me – and I’ll be stuck

    •  I have to smile at the “I’ll be stuck” part!

  4. WOW! This post is one of the best you’ve done in a while Stephan. It us a must read by all. I agree @Dennis. Forgiveness can be hard sometime, but after you’ve forgiven someone whose hurt you you fill free. You fill like a new person. GREAT POST STEPHAN!

  5. Yupp I can forgive a cheat. I just can’t stay in the relationship after that. Cheating ruins everything.

  6. What if You Only Went Away With The Person And NOTHING SEXUAL Ever Happened… Seems Like Bull Shit But Its The Honest Truth…  Nothing Happened.. I Just Took The Trip While My Ex and I Were Separated and Going Thru The Ups N Downs.. How Would You Deal With It.. 

    • Well if you two were not together at the time then it isn’t really cheating even if something had gone down. Either way just be open and honest about it. There is no way to gaurantee how your partner will take it, but if they hear about the trip from someone else then it will really look bad. Just put it out there and trust that being open and honest is always how you want to operate in a relationship.

  7. It’s painful to even read this. He used me, cheated on me, strung me along. Forgiveness might seem unthinkable but I took the step. I did it for myself because I didn’t want the pain to eat me up alive. Forgiving doesn’t mean it won’t hurt anymore. It will still hurt like hell, maybe for a very long time even. But it also means acceptance, seeing things for what they are, and hopefully a lesson learned well.

  8. yes it is good to forgive, but don’t forget and even if you are forgiving, move on, find somone else worthy of your love.  Cheating is cheating and cheaters don’t deserve second chances

    • I don’t think that is always true Tom. It really depends on the situation. One example, is that there is a huge difference between somebody having one moment of weakness vs. someone who is having an ongoing affair. I’m not saying they aren’t both wrong, but I have seen cases where a second chance was best and things turned out good moving forward.

    • It is possible for them to understand what they did, to reform themselves in earnest. Therefore, a blanket statement is, IMO, stupid – it’s not like they raped your relatives, or shot your dog. They emotionally played football with your mind and your trust, which is its own set of hurdles – having been on the receiving end myself – but not something that should be unforgivable over time depending on more nuanced circumstances.

      IMO, there is a difference between being cautious and reasonably so, and being overly bitter.

  9. Very well written! I’d add that the time period for forgiving cannot be defined. You can’t force yourself into it or it won’t be genuine. You have to take the time (and the personal development) necessary to forgive genuinely. Then, as you said, you can address the situation. And the reason for the cheating may have nothing to do with you. It could be something that person will have to work on for him/herself BY him/herself, and if that’s the case, walking away is the best thing you can do for both you and them.
    My 2 cents

  10. Ok, so my GF went through my phone and found where I asked another girl to send me pics. She also so where the girl asked to come over, and where I turned her down, and the other girl telling me she knows I belong to my GF. My GF has never been cheated on before, and I have never cheated on any GF before, but my GF says she’s hurt and feels I mentally and emotionally cheated on her. I don’t feel I cheated because I never had any intentions of being with the other girl. I can tell things have changed between us, we have been together over a year. Does this apply? Am I just down playing the issue because of my role? Is she taking it too hard and too seriously. We have talked about the reason I asked for the pic, and its no emotional attachment. I honestly do not have any urge to be with the other girl. Can we get pass this?

    • This is all too common. There will be those that say “If you lust in your heart, you commited adultery”. I don’t agree with that because there are degrees of sin. But you messed up, admit it. You flirted, and got busted in 3D. I think you’re going to have to go a few weekends without some tail though. And the potential side chick will have to be CUT OFF entirely. But let the GF know that you’re a man and you slipped but you caught foothold before falling into the oh, NVM you know what I mean. You sound fairly young. And not to be an ass, sometimes the mate will also realize that, hey, there are others looking at my BF/GF, and step their game. But Never Test the waters!
      NUFF SAID

      • A MATURE MAN ANSWER! youngsters will not understand this and most importantly, they do believe in lust because that’s how they get in relationship anyways. LOL 

        I disagree with u about the degree of sin. sin is a sin, if we both go to heaven and God asks me why are u here? my answer is I stole. God asks you why are u here? ur answer is I cheated on my wife. according to you whats worse? :)

        To answer you Koldchildlc yes you cheated, to asked another woman to send you pics, you are in a relationship you should respect that. Asking for pics, then seeing the pics, then dreaming of how you can touch what u see on the pics, then dreams come true= cheating. Go apologize, promise not to do it ever again, and work to get her back :)

        • Joelle, 
          True, sis is sin, and a murderer will get in same as my granny, but will a murderer have front row seats to Glory, or be in the nosebleed section?

          We cant prosecute the young man for what he hasn’t done, c’mon. He asked, got denied, turned down the invite to see the real thing,and the would be tart knows she’s the side dish not the main meal. It ended there.  Let’s not add. If we all did that, sisters that go out and dance with the baller,are guilty of what? Or us guys that make sure we’re at the same spot to catch a glimpse of that fine sis are what?

          Koldchildlc, you opened the lid to the cookie (no pun intended) jar, 
          and realized you didn’t need the calories. You messed up.

          Repent! LOL

          • I admit, I was wrong for asking for the pictures. I have no problem admitting that, but I just don’t feel it was cheating. I would consider it cheating if I made plans to sleep with the other girl, but that wasn’t the case. The intention was not there. If that is cheating and I have to be looked from now own as a cheater, then what’s the difference from if I actually did sleep with the other girl? I understand the whole lust point, but intention should weigh more. So basically its cheating to go to a strip club, watch a porno, go to a sex site, etc. Anything you do to get off when you can’t be with your mate. Masturbation if any other thought, other than you and your mate creeps into your head. I was wrong but this becoming such a big deal with us and going on for weeks is making me suspicious.

          • You are suspicious of what? LOL
             @mosesmoses:disqus   I am adding to what he didn’t do I am just saying seeing the pics could have added to this story. So avoid that to happen, let’s not ask for pictures of other females when we are in a relationship. that’s all I am saying :)
            LOL murderer and thief will be both in hell, wether is front seat or nosebleed section, you are still in hell. LOL 

    • Yes you can get past this but you have to take what I feel would be a better approach. I understand that to you this is not cheating, but this is not about you this is about how it made your girlfriend feel. I think you don’t like the label of cheater and that has you showing more resistance to accepting that your actions were not appropriate. Think of it like this, what if the situation was reversed and she was asking some guy for pics and so on. You may not call it cheating but I highly doubt you would be ok with it. Don’t fight the surface issue of her choosing to label it cheating. Address the real issue, the fact that she feels betrayed by you talking to that girl like that regardless of what you claim were intentions were. Just apologize and openly talk to her about that. Never dismiss someone’s feelings. Sometimes just acknowledging those feelings can move things in a much better direction. Let her express herself to you and be receptive to what she has to say. Then agree on how to move forward and not to engage in behavior you now know hurts her.

  11. Loved the post. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do. I should have said real forgiveness, because it’s too easy to say I forgive but yet abuse the other person at every single opportunity (revenge). 

    I see what you are saying about discussion why it happened, and it takes a real man or woman to sit down and actually go through the events of what did lead to the other person having an affair, especially if the blame is directed at you. 

    I have been cheated on when I was younger and I can remember every detail. For me, that’s the end of the line, finito, period, done. I think it’s because I place such a high standard on trust and honesty, once broken it becomes damaged goods. 

  12. What’s the point in forgiving a cheater? When you forgive a person, you’re saying..yeah, don’t worry it’s ok, it’s cool to cheat on me because i’ll forgive you…well, if forgivers want to walk around with ‘Door Mat’ on their foreheads, then you deserve to be cheated on!

    • Actually forgiving isn’t saying it’s cool to cheat. It’s more about not holding on to the negative  energy that comes from our experiences of being hurt by others. Being a doormat is something different. You can forgive and walk away if that is truly what’s best. The thing is the more you hold on to the negativity the more negativity you will experience moving forward. It will rear it’s ugly head one way or another. Forgiveness is freedom for you and it’s in your best interest.

    • I cheated on my Husband a few years ago.  It was a very tough time in our relationship.  We had just moved into a new home and even though things seemed to be going well, our relationship was falling apart and we both knew it.  I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t listen.  You see, we are actually divorced.  I met him in 1992 (the yr after I graduated HS).  I was in an abusive relationship with someone else and he offered me a safe place to go to start a new life.  I took him up on his offer but the day I moved in, we made love and were a couple.  For the first few years, everything was great.  We were married and soon after, I got pregnant and 9 mo. later, gave Birth to a beautiful baby Girl who turns 16 next month.  After I had her, I had a very hard time losing the weight.  Our sex life became no sex life and no matter how much I tried, I could not turn him on sexually in the bedroom.  This went on for years until finally, I had enough and asked for a divorce.  Even though I still Loved Him, I wanted to move on with my life and find a man who would be able to sexually take care of me no matter what my size was.  The day he moved out was terrible.  I cried and cried.  You see, I still loved him and I still wanted to be with him.  I just needed him sexually also but he was unable to do that for me. He would swear to me my weight had nothing to do with it, but then if I lost weight, we would have wonderful sex.  After a few months of him living in another place and me visiting every day, I begged him to come back home.  I hoped things would get better on their own.  Soon after, we moved into our new home,  and I was a whopping 208 lbs. A year went by with no sex at all and I kept telling him that if he didn’t start at least trying to take care of me in the bedroom, I was going to have to leave him again and this time find someone else.  He didn’t think I meant it I guess.  I ended up moving out a year later and for a whole summer, I was with another man.  It bothered him most because the guy I was with wasn’t good looking at all…but my weight was not an issue with him.  We had known each other when I was younger and even though I knew he was on drugs, I was lost in the fact that he was there for me in the bedroom (dumb I know).  Well, I discovered I was making a huge mistake living with a druggie.  I didn’t want my daughter to be around that so we moved into our own little apartment and this time, hubby was the one who was there all the time.   By the end of summer, he talked me into coming back home.  Things were great at first.  I had gone on a diet and went down to 108 lbs.  I was looking really good and our bedroom activities were just like they used to be.  Now we are back to nothing in the bedroom.  He said he just can no longer get an erection with pills and the pills make him sick.  I have put a little bit of weight on and am up to 130 lbs but I know that doesn’t bother him.  Luckily, I am finally at the stage in my life where sex isn’t as important as it used to be and that does make it easier….but he is constantly bringing up the past and how I cheated on him with the ugly ape….that is what he calls him.  He just can’t seem to get over it and now, I worry things between us are un-fixable. We will never have a healthy relationship and that worries me constantly.  I Love Him so much and want to spent the rest of my life with him….how do I show him he can trust me?  How can I get him to see I am never going do cheat again and that he is the one I want?  With things like this, could you forgive?????

        • I sent it via email.  Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and reply.  I really love him and worry that due to my mistake, I may have destroyed the only truly good and healthy relationship I ever had.  

    • ” When you forgive a person, you’re saying..yeah, don’t worry it’s ok, it’s cool to cheat on me because i’ll forgive you.”

      I … don’t… think you and the 5 who liked your comment understand the concept of forgiveness, and how it differs from OKing bad behavior.

  13. I agree totally.  Question though; do you think the majority of cheating occurs because of the “forbidden fruit syndrome”- ya know, where people want the person they aren’t “supposed” to have? And if so, is that an issue that can be reversed?

    • Honestly I feel that the biggest factor is due to a internal void in that persons life. Whether it be emotional or physical that void can create many issues if not properly addressed.

  14. I can, but also I wish, that someday Karma will get over him. Revenge is sweet stuff and I want it. Just I don’t want to make my hands dirty. 

    • I understand how you feel but don’t let that negative energy get the best of you. People pay a price for the wrong they do we just may not always see it. Regardless the greatest revenge is you being happy and at peace. Moving forward in a positive direction will be the greatest victory.

  15. Yes forgive…and my preference…move on.

  16. Everyone deserve one  more chance, but, if the situation is repeating then is over. Nobody is perfect, sometimes guys are weak…because of the “easy going women’…..uh, that’s why they are called “the weak gender”..sometimes they don’t think with their brain..with women is a whole other story..:)

    • I agree with everyone deserves one more chance, but I’m not so sure about the cheating part. I don’t equate having sex to flirting with a business associate at the company BBQ. Flirting happened while on the elevator. Sex? That took more. Yes, it can be forgiven, but it’s very very difficult.  I do agree we are called the weaker gender because we give in to lust quickly, but women might not be as weak, but are incredibly conniving. Like Chris Rock said, we say many stupid lies, but women say 1 HUGE lie!

      •  Thanks for replying to me ! I know what I’m saying trust me.:)

  17. Forgiving after some ranting and raving to another friend is the best way to go!! :)

  18. Forgiveness is immediate, but trust is gained over time.

  19. This is sound wisdom, Sir. I especially love the focus you put on forgiveness. I know the effects of this firsthand & forgiveness was the key in ME healing & being healthy & strong enough to make wise choices for my good.

  20. For people in this situation, I recommend expressing how you feel on paper. Encapsulate all of those emotions down on paper (or digitally). Write until you have nothing left to articulate.
    Come back to what you wrote a few months or years later. Your reaction may surprise you.

  21. My hubby cheated using computer ….having sex online that was bad enough ..still together tho it was 2 years ago but I always think about why ??? He said he was just curious ,,, we’ve been married 31 years in August the thing is I truly love him x

  22. When someone cheats that’s their decision that the relationship is over – I haven’t got time to forgive someone who doesn’t respect our relationship

  23. It only works if the cheat is honest, so many answer with “I don’t know why” or “it was a mistake” being in fear of the consequent of their action. They claim they don’t want to hurt the other party involved which is bull because the hurt began with the initial act. The cheat is obviously selfish & still only worried about his or her self and what he or she is about to lose..

  24. wow….. i must say dis is talking about me and it was a nice piece. thanks. and stephan ur articles are jes perfect. thank u

  25. There are a couple of points I would like to make about cheating & forgiveness. For starters, not everyone is capable of forgiveness, some people don’t know how, or just simply refuse to. Take my ex for example, I cheated on him, he found out (by reading my messages while I was asleep) & ever since then, nothing has been the same between us. It was hell, he would say he had forgiven me & wanted to start over all to unleash all sorts of emotional attacks on me. Though he never got physical, he did things that physically affected me like locking me out of the house, refusing to pick me up & leaving me stranded,. It became pretty clear after a while that I was nowhere near being forgiven as he was literally drunk with revenge. We went through the motions of breaking up &  getting back together but never really talking about it & never getting anywhere or resolving anything. Why? Because he claims he is incapable of forgiveness, & that there was nothing I could ever do to make him trust me again. It hurt like hell to hear that because personally, if the roles were reversed, I would’ve forgiven him. I would still be hurt, yes, but I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness at least once because we have all had to be forgiven at some point in our lives for whatever reason. Which brings me to my next point. I honestly believe that women are more forgiving than men. Mostly because we depend more on our emotions to make decisions whereas men are more likely to walk away because they believe that a woman has no business stepping out on her man no matter what. To this day he still brings it up every chance he gets, which is never a good sign. We both still love each other, but the relationship is so damaged by all the resentment & trust issues, not even divine intervention could fix it. We can hardly be casual with each other without him bringing it up. Now I know that trying to start over again with him is pointless no matter how much time we spend apart because even if he eventually learns how to forgive, he will never get over it. Its as if he’s stuck on that & cannot remember or think of anything else. So a word to the wise, before you do something you cant take back, think about it. Is it worth gambling with your relationship? Is your partner someone you are willing to lose? Would you be able to forgive them if they were to do that to you?

    • very nice piece u wrote here..so true, for me i dont even know where to start talking from. if i start i wuld jux start crying all over again.. i loved him with all i got, even more dan a 100%, n it seemed he even loved me more..we dated for 4yrs wt each day like d 1st.. we   were like a couple made in heaven, d envy of all others, inseperable.. if i go into details u wuld shed tears for me.. bt at d end i got d worst unimaginable shock of my life.. i wil probably hurt d rest of my life, he was my 1st n tot he wuld be my last..evryday d whole drama scenes stil fresh in my head… God why me 

  26. sir ,

    i used to love a girl but she used to hate me inside . she loves to see me crying and laugh on my pity situation . i loved her lot . i fucked my academics for her . she now has left my life and i m alone . i was always keen and calm and to her but she always ussed to abuse me. she used to find joy in hurting me. i know she was jealous of my position . but now i ma lone i really love her a lot and cant forgive her . please help to get out of this hit . i really want her to be out of my mind. pls i really want me to hate haer but dnt know still i love her.

  27. I cheated on my boyfriend while he was in jail, we were just six weeks into the relationship when he had to go for 5 months. since then we have been in a cycle of being in love then breaking up repeatedly for two years. can i ever help him to forgive me and forget this very stupid mistake i made? i feel like we were meant to be together and love this man with all my heart and soul!

  28. I did forgive my ex for cheating. He called, texted, emailed me telling me I am the best person he ever had. If I was he would not have cheated right? I moved on and I hope he does too.

    • In all honesty it depends. I do believe it is possible for people to make a huge mistake like cheating even if you were “the best person they ever had”. I would say look at the relationship as a whole. Was this a man you showed his appreciation and love to you consistently but made this one mistake. Or was this a man who wasn’t being the man you need and ended up cheating as well. Not to mention was this a one time thing or an ongoing affair. So it really depends in my opinion.

      • I treated this man the way I wanted to be treated. I loved this man with my everything. He said it was something he wanted to try because he last girlfriend, the mother of some of his children did it to him and she was special. I am not a run around woman, I treated his children with respect and I was their provider, school bus, food buyer and cooker, clothes buyer, washer ,and he and I never even as much as went to bed angry about the two of us, it was talking no raised voices over his lack of interest in his own children. I am thankful he cheated now he can stew in all he has lost.

  29. HELLO to my friends out there i am testifying about the good work of a man who help me it has been hell from the day my husband left me i am a woman with two kids my problem stated when the father of my kids travel i never help he was living but as at two weeks i did not set my eye on my husband i try calling but he was not taken my call some week he call me telling me that he has found love some where easy at first i never take to be serous but day after he came to the house to pick his things that was the time i notice that things is going bad i help he will come back but things was going bad day by day i needed to talk to someone about it so i went to his friend but there was no help so i give it up on him month later i met on the the internet a spell caster i never believe on this but i needed my men back so i gave the spell caster my problem at first i never trusted him so i was just doing it for doing sake but after three day my husband called me telling me that he his coming home i still do not believe but as at the six day the father to my kids came to the house asking me to for give him the spell work to said to my self from that day i was happy with my family thanks to the esango priest of (abamieghe)esango priest he his a great man you need to try him you can as well to tell him your problem so that he can be of help to you his content email is this esangopriest@hotmail.com indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again. remember his email is esangopriest@hotmail.com

  30. Hello Sir, i had two major relations from my schooling. My first boyfriend wanted sex from me when i was 16, i felt bad when he tried to do it, i opposed him. Then, he he started ignoring me. I then stopped talking to him n tried to move forward. 2 year later a boy proposed me , i told him about my past n he said he don’t have any problem with it. we were very happy together. A year back he started avoiding me. His friend used to give me fake calls that he made another girlfriend. he in fact fooled me by saying that his friends are jealous of him and that’s why they are doing so. i continued the relation for 2 more years. After irritating from all of his excuses of not attending me I broke up the relation. three year later he again proposed me for the marriage. And on the next day I came to know that he had a girlfriend from last 6 years and he was sleeping with her while talking to me at that time. Finally I left him but I become very sad after a couple of weeks whenever he comes in my mind and thinks that Is there an really man in the world who deserves me? My first boyfriend was sorry for what he did to me after 4 four years I left him. I accepted his sorry but said refused to be in relation with him. I really wanna punish my 2nd boyfriend for what he did to me… I m very sad … I could not concentrate on my work because of it… Plz help me out..

  31. this has proven to be one of the most hurtful things i have had to deal with in a relationship. it becomes even harder when that person puts your health at risk due to their carelessness. i did take that person back, only to realize i couldnt forgive them while they acted like nothing happened . i attemped to ask where i lacked and all i got was ” you did everything right” …. no matter what he said, i couldnt help but feel as if i failed….for my own well being i had to let go and begin the healing process. only now do i feel myself coming to terms with the pain, hurt and processing and truly forgiving.

  32. My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. He also hit me, always looked at women in public. The thing is I still blame myself sometimes because we never had communication. We never spoke about our relationship troubles. we just acted like everything was fine when deep down i knew it wasent but was too afraid to bring it up. I was embarassed of how he treated me, but I never asked him why. until I finally left and never looked back. but I still have those "what if" moments like… how would the relationship turned out if we actually commuticated and talked more? I dont know…

  33. "My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend"…your BOYFRIEND is your best friend, fool. What did YOU do to the relationship to screw it up? You make it out to totally be his fault because he hit you and laid another woman. What did YOU do to screw things up? Speak out of turn? Act defiant, sarcastic, patronizing? Criticize his dreams? You look and act like a business bitch…ITT technical Institute…stay home and cook and clean and raise children and keep your mouth shut if you want to keep a man happy.

  34. Don't dwell in the what if Maylin. His behavior shows that he was not interested in being the man you needed. Yes better communication was needed, but the issue here runs deeper than that. You have to embrace forgiving yourself and understand that if he truly wasn't the man for, communication would not have saved the relationship, but would have made it clearer that you needed to end the relationship. You deserve better than what he was giving you.

  35. My wife was got caught cheating with a guy, she had a bad drug problem. I found out we were in debt with all the bills behind. So I intervened and sent her to rehab. While in rehab she had another affair. Treated me badly while she was in there and I was at home taking care of our 3 girls. We were broke since we spent the rest of what we had on her rehab. Well she got out and I had to go to work, she went to a AA meeting n our town. She said she drove him back to his motel and went inside and had sex with him. According to her she started but when it started she said no several times and but he pushed her leg open and did it anyways. She didn’t try to stop him physically and she says she had her underwear still on. I am wondering that one would have to be pretty still for thus to happen. All of it has been hard at best

  36. Hi, my name is Jane and I'm in a situation. I dated my bf last year for 2 weeks, then he broke up with me. 3 months later we got back together, but I was emotionally attached to this friend of mine. He was having issues with his relationship, and we got closer, so I got confused about my feelings, so I broke up with my bf and then some weeks later I went to see this other guy(he lives in another city) so I could clarify my feelings, but my heart longed for my ex bf (at that time),I kissed the guy, but nothing seemed right, so I knew I did wrong and went to apologize for breaking up with my bf, and when I told him the reason, he first got angry, but after 2 weeks he said he wanted me back, so we started again. In this time I was closing the "thing" I had with my friend, which I care about and wanted to end things in a good manner because I was just counfused. But at the end of the year I was informed my friend got engaged and I got angry for all the trouble he made in my life and he didn't even cared about to telling me. I got angry with myself for thinking about leaving my bf or this scum! So I texted a friend about this and to get my anger out, but I forgot to erase the message. So after 4 months in a happy relationship with my bf, one day he found this message and obviously got angry again, he thought I wasn't over with the other guy, when in fact I was! Months ago! After I apologized he "forgave" me again. But since that day the resentment and anger grew inside him more and more, he became jealous, possessive and when a male friend talked to me, or texted me, etc, he got really really mad at me, so I had to apologize and fix things etc. He was afraid of losing me again. Despite this, we got engaged and we were in love, he went to therapy for 3 months but dropped it, and all went downhill from that point. So, one time I commented in a picture of one of my ex bf (which I'm friends with) and that was it, my bf exploited and ended all. But I love him with all of my heart, I'm truly sorry for getting confused and breaking up with him for this other guy. But he says even when he loves me with all of his heart, he is in so much pain and cannot trust me again. He wants to move on, but I want to show him that we can fix things, we can work together, but he just refuses to listen everything I say.
    I love him so much, I want to marry him, I want to love him my whole life. I didn't cheated, but for him it was like that, even when I tried to be honest with him all the time, I even told him why I broke up with him at that time! I opened my heart and told him te truth, that I wanted to stay truth to myself, so I could know what I was feeling, and found out I loved him for real. From that moment my heart belonged to him forever. But he can't forgive me. Help please??
    It has been 2 months since we separated, he won't talk to me, but still loves me, what can I do??

  37. Hi, my name is Jane and I’m in a situation. I dated my bf last year for 2 weeks, then he broke up with me. 3 months later we got back together, but I was emotionally attached to this friend of mine. He was having issues with his relationship, and we got closer, so I got confused about my feelings, so I broke up with my bf and then some weeks later I went to see this other guy(he lives in another city) so I could clarify my feelings, but my heart longed for my ex bf (at that time),I kissed the guy, but nothing seemed right, so I knew I did wrong and went to apologize for breaking up with my bf, and when I told him the reason, he first got angry, but after 2 weeks he said he wanted me back, so we started again. In this time I was closing the “thing” I had with my friend, which I care about and wanted to end things in a good manner because I was just counfused. But at the end of the year I was informed my friend got engaged and I got angry for all the trouble he made in my life and he didn’t even cared about to telling me. I got angry with myself for thinking about leaving my bf or this scum! So I texted a friend about this and to get my anger out, but I forgot to erase the message. So after 4 months in a happy relationship with my bf, one day he found this message and obviously got angry again, he thought I wasn’t over with the other guy, when in fact I was! Months ago! After I apologized he “forgave” me again. But since that day the resentment and anger grew inside him more and more, he became jealous, possessive and when a male friend talked to me, or texted me, etc, he got really really mad at me, so I had to apologize and fix things etc. He was afraid of losing me again. Despite this, we got engaged and we were in love, he went to therapy for 3 months but dropped it, and all went downhill from that point. So, one time I commented in a picture of one of my ex bf (which I’m friends with) and that was it, my bf exploited and ended all. But I love him with all of my heart, I’m truly sorry for getting confused and breaking up with him for this other guy. But he says even when he loves me with all of his heart, he is in so much pain and cannot trust me again. He wants to move on, but I want to show him that we can fix things, we can work together, but he just refuses to listen everything I say.
    I love him so much, I want to marry him, I want to love him my whole life. I didn’t cheated, but for him it was like that, even when I tried to be honest with him all the time, I even told him why I broke up with him at that time! I opened my heart and told him te truth, that I wanted to stay truth to myself, so I could know what I was feeling, and found out I loved him for real. From that moment my heart belonged to him forever. But he can’t forgive me. Help please??
    It has been 2 months since we separated, he won’t talk to me, but still loves me, what can I do??

  38. Yes I can and will forgive him however my trust and respect for him will be broken and our relationship will be over. I can't stay with someone who doesn't love and respect me.

  39. if you could forgive him this mean that you still love and if it is like this i think that you will make a lot of compromises…believe me

  40. Stephan Speaks Relationships
    everyone could make mistake and expesially men …they make stupidity and later regret but if we speak about repeatedly situations then is better to end the relationships

  41. My boyfriend cheated on me a couple if months ago, he didnt tell me at first he just started acting distant and then one day told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore after he posted some pics on ig with a girl. I couldn’t believe he did that, i did however break up with him before i found out he cheated on me. But we were still sleeping together and when i found out he was sleeping with her and he said he didnt love me it broke my heart, fast forward to today we are back together and we’ve had our talk about what went wrong in the relationship and so on and so forth…, but sometimes i just have flash backs about what happend and how i felt so betrayed , he chose this other female over me and treated me like i was some kind of stalker. Everything is good with us now, atleast that’s what i show him but i feel like my heart hasn’t healed and the memory of that rough time we had still remains. I think about it when im alone sometimes and i just hate him all over again, but i love him so much im just confused. I took him back after all of that Nd im starting think i shouldn’t have done it right away. He left his other girl a couple of weeks before we got back together.

  42. Well I've put this article to thought. You can only take so much from a repeat offender. I have a high tolerance for a lot of things. You can push me so far and then I say enough. Recently, I found out my bf was encouraging another woman because her bf was calling her fat…LOL…this is freedom just commenting about it. Encouraging he say's, really I say. Long story short, I told him he could continue to encourage her because I was done. Enough of communicating, enough of opportunity, enough of everything. There's one thing that came to my mind as I ended the relationship. I had a flashback on my previous ex…they both in my opinion got someone needy. Of course, I'm in business for myself and self-sufficient so I'm not materialistic, I can provide for myself. I enjoy the companionship of a man. But I'm finding out that in my case a man can't really deal with a self-sufficient woman. No pun intended, the first was a welfare recipient, the second one was another unemployed immigrant…IDK…I'm not bashing other women or socio economic background, however this is very interesting. I would assume that they would get somebody BETTER not so. And no I'm not bossy or aggressive, just confident within myself. Just WONDERING what's going on. I will say I definitely enjoy my life. So until MY KING finds me, This QUEEN will keep doing what she's doing. Enjoying life.

  43. Often times the cheater never says sorry and they behave as if its your fault … you missed the part about guilt transferal its something bad people are good at.

  44. marry ? to use witchcraft to possess someone is evil – you’re missing and have probably missed out on your TRUE PRINCE CHARMING by using witchcraft to get someone who is not meant for you – only meant for you in your small mind.

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  1. 7 Ways People Make Cheating Even Worse :: Stephan Speaks - […] a person finds out they have been cheated on it is not a good feeling. Betrayal and disappointment hit …

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