in·de·pend·ent
1. Not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc; thinking or acting for oneself
2. Not subject to another’s authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free
Going by definition 1 (Webster’s Dictionary) I think many would say there is nothing wrong with being independent. Definition 2, I can find some issues with but let us just focus on 1 for today. Personally I love an independent woman, and there are a lot of me who do as well. We respect them, and truly appreciate who they are. It is definitely something that would catch my attention and make you more attractive. However once we enter into a relationship, that independent woman stuff to some degree has to go!
Seriously, once you have a man then it is time to allow him to step up and do his job of properly taking care of you. That isn’t about money or “gender roles”, but moreso about showing his love by providing in various ways. Unfortunately it does not happen like that for many women. Why? Because they suffer from what I call Independent Woman Syndrome.
That’s right ladies; some of you have this issue and may not even realize it. It is hindering you in relationships and in trying to find a relationship. So how could being an independent woman which I first praised, turn out to be such an issue? Well let me give you a couple of examples so you can better understand the issue.
You Try To Do Everything Yourself
Don’t get me wrong, I commend and love that you can hold your own. I applaud that you don’t make yourself a burden to others and have learned to handle business correctly on your own. The problem is you are making things harder on yourself. You are allowing more stress and mental fatigue to enter your life when it is not always as necessary as you make it seem. If you truly do not have anyone to help, then ok it is understood. For those of you in a relationship, then there is no excuse. That man is supposed to be there to lighten the load and help keep you feeling as best as you can. A lot of the men want to help, but your Independent Woman Syndrome causes you to deny his attempts. You not only make it harder for you in the present, but if you have married or end up marrying this guy you have now set yourself up for more frustration. You are basically programming this man that you can do it on your own. So do not be surprised when he continues to assume “she got this”. Most women if not all women want a man who can step up, but if every time he tries you basically tell him to sit his butt down, well guess what he will now automatically do.
You Have a Hard Time Giving Respect
What I mean by this is that, when you get so wrapped up into being an independent woman, you are not as easily impressed. So if someone or more importantly a man does something that you feel you could have easily done, you are not going to applaud it or respect it the same. You figure you could have done it, no big deal, so he should be able to do it. When he looks for that appreciation or admiration from you (especially when this action was done out of love no matter how simple it was), you are going to look at him like “what, you want a cookie” lol, such a sarcastic line. In doing that, you decrease your ability to do something that most men need from their woman, stroke his ego (you may not like that term, so lets just say making him feel valued and appreciated). You have to let a man feel like a man, or you can do some serious damage to him and the relationship. Not to mention, many women who suffer from IWS (Independent Woman Syndrome) also can become very aggressive in how they speak to their man. If you are quick to come at him in a negative way, and are constantly “chopping his balls” when he does something you do not like or approve of, then trust there is going to be a problem. Many times a man who is constantly having his manhood crushed by his woman well then look for any opportunity to assert himself and get his balls back. Unfortunately, men tend to do that at the very wrong time and in not a smart way. Which then leads to more issues, but had you not chopped them off so much in the first place, well then we could have avoided the whole problem all together. Side note: if you are with a man that you can’t respect, then ask yourself why are you still with him.
As always there is much more I could get into and point out. I just gave you a little insight into IWS and the downfall of this. I am in no way telling the ladies not to be independent women. I just want you to learn how to balance being an independent woman, as well as the “right woman” for the man you choose to give that honor to. I also do not want single women to have the same thing they pride themselves on, continue to possibly contribute to what is pushing many of the men away. Yes the right guy will love you for who you are, but don’t make it harder for him to commit to that love. To me a great relationship consist of two independent people who recognize and embrace the value of their partner, and allow themselves to be comfortable, willing, and appreciate depending on each other.
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212 thoughts on “Independent Woman Syndrome”
I really learn something but do u have any advance on how to get a good man.
yes Brandy I do, I will definitely be speaking on that in the near future. I you need some questions answered right away then you can fill out the advice form on the side and submit your question
poor baby
lol and what is the “poor baby” for?
you mr poor baby…mr little baby yes you are baby..baby….yes baby
I’ve often said that too many women have taken the whole “Independent Woman” thing and took it completely too far. Too many are also under the that letting a man be your “head” and submitting to him is a threat to their independence. That’s only the case when you are submitting to the wrong man. If he is not God-sent, then he will not be able to lead you anywhere.
I agree with you completely Candice : )
I beleive in submission only in marriage…before that…you can leave some room to show that you CAN and are WILLING to submit..but a man cannot have this outright just simply because he is my man.
Yeah fake having a personality until you get married because nothing is better when you meet that special someone and you can totally like rely on them for everything and blame them when their choices go pear shaped….submission all baby!! YEAHHHHH
And good luck finding a man. Sure some men want to be lead by the women, but MOST men want to do the leading.
You’re under the presumption that we have to prove ourselves to you. This is a fatal flaw in thinking when it comes to building a relationship. You’re attitude should not only be what can he do for me, but ALSO what can I do for him? Just thinking this will make you see more men in a whole different light. You’ll begin to open your horizens on finding that right man will be easier.
Well said Candice, hope you find the proper man you’re able to submit to.
Exactly, what does “God-sent” mean?
If the world is the result of this omniscient God, then does this mean that the man is also able to be more bad, than good? I wouldn’t really call the world, something great; something to brag about. Thus I ask for clarification, please define: “God-sent”.
I agree with you… And I am a woman. I believe that both parties need to be individuals and successful on their own before ever getting into “marriage”. Frankly, I’m not “submitting” to anyone. I don’t care what his bank account looks like, I know I’ve got my own! If any man ever asked me to “submit”, he be out of my life faster than he can say “wife”.
I’m actually inclined to agree with you Robert. Modern marriage is a joke. It’s gotten to the point that in California, you can actually get a marriage certificate that expires after a certain number of years, and you can renew if you want to stay married. They understand the high divorce rate in this country. I know many divorced men, and hell even men that been screwed by just a breakup. It just doesn’t make sense, unless you’re a gluten for punishment.
God-sent means that a person has prayed to God, informed Him of their likes and dislikes, waited patiently, receives answers to those prayers, and they except this person that was sent to them in their life, in regards to marriage. We get married so that we may not be alone in this lifetime but when we do marry we are making a promise to God, not to our spouse. Many people become blinded by the physicality’s and mentalities of life that we forget such a spiritual promise to Him. This is why”Modern marriage” is a joke.
Why does a woman have to “submit” to a man? Why can’t both of them hold equal power in a relationship? If this isn’t possible then I’ll stay single.
Why do you want anyone to be “submitting” in the relationship. Submission is not a healthy relationship for anyone. I like a free thinking woman, and I’m a free thinking man. The problem is women are somewhat confused in this day and age it seems like. They associate independence with being rude and obnoxious. They think independence means, they should have a masochistic attitude problem. If being independent is so great, then you have to be comfortable with independent men as well. If he acts the same way you do, you can’t really blame him. That’s because you’re both doing the same thing!
Good article and I agree that women should find that balance between independence and submission. However, it’s tough when there are so many men who don’t know or don’t want to “step up”!!
Thanks Shushanna and I know it can be very tough when there are so many men that fall short. I would rather a woman stay single and independent that to be with someone she can’t respect and trust enough to take the lead
U are correct! It’s hard to let go when men have never stepped up to the plate. Just take charge sometimes! Maybe we’ll ease up. “You have a hard time giving respect”– RESPECT is earned!
I agree but I still say you have to learn to ease up any way. Help create an environment the allows him to step up. If he doesn’t, then you just have to keep it moving.
you are totally like the smartest man ever totally like don draper omg
I think another issued that should be addressed is that a lot (thought not all) have been conditioned to “shut up and sit down” by other women (i.e. Mothers/past relationships) that it is extremely hard for “the right woman” keep her IWS in check.
Very good point, I will definitely address that, but women still have to try not to let that IWS get out of hand.
Whilst I agree that respect is important, i have found some men don’t want to step up, I have read so much saying women’s fault we are too strong my question what do you do if men don’t want to lead? Not sure I agree with comment that you love our independence but stop it when in relationship, seems almost contradiction, your blog seems to be blaming women not sure if helpful
I apologize if it comes across as if I am blaming women. I am a strong believer in holding ourselves accountable for our actions and not getting into the habit at pointing the finger everywhere other than back at ourselves. What I want to convey in this article is for women to understand where they “contribute” to the issue. Many men won’t step up because they simply don’t have to these days to get a woman. If you as a woman are truly ok with that, then so be it, but if you are not ok with that then I want to help women understand how they can contribute to creating a better situation. Also understand that many women don’t act like this only after they see a man won’t step up. They bring this into a new situation and fail to realize how that can either push that man away or deter him from doing for you like he was originally prepared to do. If a man truly does not want to lead, yet you knw your heart desires a leader, then you shouldn’t not be getting with that man. I do love women who are able to be independent but as my last line stated “To me a great relationship consist of two independent people who recognize and embrace the value of their partner, and allow themselves to be comfortable, willing, and appreciate depending on each other.”…. So I don’t view it as a contradiction, it is all about balance.
Thank you Eagles! I’m glad someone else said it!
This is disgusting. So I am diseased because I like to do things on my own? You just set feminism back at least 100 steps.
I apologize if you took my colorful way of presenting this issue as me actually believing you are “diseased”, that is not my intention. Feminism is about equality and I in no way view women or have presented them as less then equal to man. Our value is equal but the role that most women desire for their man (and man for their women) will have its differences. If you are truly happy with doing it on your own then by all means continue as you are. If you desire to have a relationship that is happy, fulfilling, and does not place greater burden on you because your man doesn’t “step up” then please understand how IWS contributes to that potential issue. Most women are not Independent because they want to be, they are because they feel they have no choice or to protect them from being let down and hurt by a man. Both understandable, but both reasons can do harm once you decide to enter into a relationship. I mentioned my appreciation for women who can be independent, but the right balance is the key when you want to be or are already in a relationship.
Yeah, Mr Jesus-Baby. I mean, I TOTES believe that women being independent in life and a relationship is like TOTALLY more of an issue than men raping women and girls being circumcised because their men are weak and can’t get their gennies hard unless their women have been mutilated. I mean, like TOTALLY, WOMEN BEING INDEPENDANT IS THE REAL TOTES AWKS PROBLEM HERE. They brought all that on themselves. Man, I read that book by Steve Harvey, called Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man, and at the time I thought it was good. BUT YOU HAVE OPENED UP MY EYES. I get it now: MEN WANT TO BE THE BOSS BECAUSE THEY ARE INSECURE AND NEED VALIDATION AT EVERY STEP OF THEIR LIFE! I should just squash my opinions and desires and let him be the boss, because that will for sure mean that I AM NOT ALONE! Because you aren’t anyone if you don’t have a MAN!
I’m not sure why you continue to take such a negative and sarcastic stance on this discussion. Nobody stated that this is more of an issue than rape and the other horrible things you mentioned. I have articles discussing a range of topics including sexual abuse. This is simply one issue that does have a negative impact on relationships. I also am not asking women to squash their opinions and desires. The first piece of work I produced was a book telling men how to be better for their woman. Also I never stated that you or any woman must have a man. I am a strong believer that a woman should not feel she needs a man to validate her. That family and society should not pressure women or look upon them in a negative way if they genuinely want to be single. This article is simply saying that IF you do wish to be in a relationship that you have to be mindful of letting your independence consume you. Again I wrote an article for men as well explaining to them this same principle. I understand there is a lot out there that takes the position you are being sarcastic about but I assure you that is not the message I am trying to convey.
well said!
I like you articles for the most part and you make some valid points. However you left one one critical fact. The fact that most women are independent not by choice! I think that by leaving this important fact out, you leave an opening for women who are in fact “too independent” to not apply what you say to them. A man of character, that handles his business, has no problem finding a woman that submits to him, even an independent one! Women are wishing that we could depend on a man to take care of us, be there for his family, stay married for 40 years and not worry about everything (well let me speak for myself…. I’m wishing). So my question for you is this. Is the problem the women being “too independent”….or with the men being “too weak?” I’m just asking. Lol. 🙂
Glad to hear you are enjoying the articles. I didn’t mention your point about ”
most women are independent not by choice!” though I did say that same exact thing to the reader Bri that commented on this article. So I agree with that point and I intended to bring it up in a future post possibly titled “The Reasons Why She Has IWS”. As for your question, both are the problem. Men need to step up and be less weak, but women need to tone it down when they are entertaining or are in a relationship. If you are with a man who you feel is not stepping up, and you are not married to this man, then it is completely on you as a woman to leave that man and move on. If you choose not to, then you must accept that you are as much of the problem as he is.
but women need to tone it down when they are entertaining or are in a relationship.???????????????????? bahaha ahh I cant even this is too good
hello all…I think there are a lot of great comments here but ultimately this is a spiritual question and should be answered accordingly. Also, I think a lot of what Stephan says above is true…I’ve experienced it personally…and I await for God to reveal these faults in my wife more loving prob than I could be with the frustration involved. For now I just try to love her thru it, we have been together for 16 years, the more she gets promoted the worse it gets, even questioning scripture at times. You do the math. In addition, how do you compare equality for men and women when they are two separate creations?? do you compare dogs to cats?? monkeys to lions?? Man was created for a specific purpose by God, woman was created thereafter for another purpose, so how do people have the gall to compare them in equality? its not about equality, its about God and fulfilling the individual roles he gave us whether it be together or separate. Once you marry you are considered one flesh before God how do you suppose 2 heads are gonna pull the “one” flesh or body in a single direction unless they are either in agreement, or one has submitted to the other? A good woman will make or break a man, which one are you doing? ps, think not that you are breaking him, you are merely breaking his desire to serve and honor you.
Yeah it really sucks when a woman is AMAZING at her job and is someone you can be proud of. What an awful woman. Who is she to use her talents and gifts that she was born with?!
I think we should totally leave everything up to God. Because we all know that NOTHING bad has ever happened in their name before…
omg…like I totally just realized that god is dog spelt backwards that’s tots amazeballs so maybe we should be comparing dogs to cats and gods to cats and women to cats and man to dogs I mean gods right
Some woman are forced in becoming “Independent
Woman” but I agree when your man steps in that independent thinking has to
be adjusted. Woman have to raise their children ALONE without the father
being present sometime forces the woman in becoming independent. Woman go back
to school and focus on making something better for themselves. Tell me
why some men don’t have this mind set? Also, I have found that men take
the back seat to their “POSITION” as being men for whatever reason.
So many men feel inadequate about their position (jobs, house, income etc.)
that once they step into an independent woman’s world (house, large income) men
start to back paddle. I think MEN need to take their position back and be
men and not let a woman’s independence scare them. Next time a man runs
into this type of woman, step up and claim your SPOT and be the MAN and
“LEAD!!!!”.
I agree, many women are independent because they really don’t have much of a choice. The key is when they choose a man to be with they have to realize they now do have a choice. Some men don’t have that mindset because they can get what they need without it. I’m not sure if the man immediately starts to back peddle or if the woman starts to push him back. Sometimes the back peddling is simply that man taking advantage of a woman who is ready to always do it herself. It removes the burden off of him so he falls back and lets her do the work. Yes Men need to take their position back but some women have to stop making it a more difficult process.
I agree, many women are independent because they really don’t have much of a choice.
Fully!!! Its so annoying when I was growing up and like I was given all these like choices and it was like omg this is totally going to destroy my femininity like tots.
That makes so much sense woman have to be independent because we have no choice…yup you are like jesus seriously
This article hit home for me. I’m in a new relationship with a great man, who does want to help and lighten my load. So far,I haven’t let him, because it’s a new concept for me. I envision that our relationship would become stronger, if we functioned more as a team. I intend to work on becoming better at accepting help and appreciating it, as well as him!
That is great to hear that you are moving in the right direction with your relationship. I know it isn’t always easy to make that transition, but practice makes perfect : ). As you said correctly, the relationship will become stronger when you start to function like a team. Great job on acknowledging that, and taking the necessary steps to make things better.
I have to disagree with all of this. I feel that a man should respect the fact that he is with an independant woman. In no way will I ever submit myself to anyone. Respect my significant other yes, be submissive, NO WAY. I was taught to never expect anyone to do anything for you and I continue that way of thinking today. I have been in a relationship for 5 years now and my boyfriend does say that at times I make him feel less manly, well sorry that he feels that way but he knew what he was getting into the the beginning. Women should take pride in the fact that they are strong and independant. Your way of thinking is why gender equality is an important issue today.
I understand where you are coming from but this issue is not about gender equality. It is about finding the right balance in a relationship. Why is telling a woman to allow a man to do for her out of love viewed as inequality? Why is telling a woman to show appreciation for the things her man does viewed as inequality? Once we enter in to a relationship we have to understand that it isn’t just about us the individual anymore, it is about us the couple. I think many women view this from a negative standpoint for many reasons, but at the end of the day it is still hurting their relationships to ignore this issue. I even have an article essentially telling men the same thing in regards to their refusal to work more as a team and be less consumed with their independence. The goal should be to make our relationship better, not to hold on to our positions out of pride and fear. Your boyfriend has expressed to you how he feels. You can choose to dismiss him or you can be willing to make things better for your relationship. If you came to him and expressed something you were not happy with would you be OK with him dismissing your feelings and saying “well you knew what you were getting yourself in to”. Again it is your choice on how you want to handle your relationship, but ignoring a real issue is not going to help move things in a better direction. Ask yourself one question, is the position you are taking out of love or something else. If it isn’t out love, then is it really best for your relationship.
Can you please write an article about like, how men can stop pissing on the toilet seat? They are so arrogant that they refuse to lift the seat up and piss goes everywhere. Like seriously, I could totally respect a man who has good aim.
Or you could just be a lesbian. Problem solved. You’re welcome.
Stephan, the problem with you is that you’re trying to talk to them with the same reasoning that men have. You have to understand that respect means two totally different things to men and women. For instance, if you see a woman on the street and say hello to her, it’s not rude if she doesn’t say hello back. She thinks that you’re trying to get in her pants. Obviously, this is factually incorrect in most cases, but this is what they believe. Now, if you thought that someone was just saying hello to you, because they just wanted to get in your pants, would you appreciate it? This is how you have to look at things. From their point of view. This is just an example of course. The point is that you just have to see what women’s misconceptions are about men, and then base your attitude towards them off of that. If you thought that all women were barbaric animals that were out to rape and kill you, wouldn’t you be afraid?
I thought my example might be a little bit hard for women to grasp, since it’s mostly men that feel like it’s rude to not be said hello to by a woman who’s passing by you in the street. Women don’t usually feel that it’s rude for a woman to do this with men. As I said, they relate to the feelings of being scared to death of being raped or killed at every turn.
So let’s use another one, that I think most people can relate to. Remember when Donald Trump was constantly telling the people that we need to build the wall, because Mexicans are rapists and criminals? This is what he believes, so he says it. As my other example, we know that it doesn’t have much of any truth to it, but he believes it, so he’s trying to protect us from it. At first, I thought that was extremely hateful and rude, but it’s not. It’s just that you have to look at things from his point of view.
That’s my issue. I don’t want to lose me in loving him and I see it happens far too much. Women left with nothing emotionally. Taking the lead is some huge shoes to fill, I’ve been doing it for decades, and it’s my claim to fame. How do you find a happy medium without losing your identity. Cause getting it done is what I do best.
I’m glad you feel that way LissaW. If I were in a relationship with you, I would be happy to let you do your own work and take care of yourself. It doesn’t make me feel less manly at all lol. All too often though, I realize that women who talk the way you do, don’t really want to walk the walk. In fact, that may be what your boyfriend thinks too. That’s why he’s so hell bent on taking charge so that you can just enjoy the ride. He thinks that’s what you really want, despite what you say. We all know it’s politically correct for women to talk the way you do, and somewhere deep down, MOST men want you to be this way too. The problem is that most women with their men are like children with their parents. The kids complain that Mom and Dad are way too strict, and they should let them do what they want a lot more. However, there are also many kids that have that relationship with their parents, and they feel that their parents don’t care about them at all. It’s a no win situation for the parents, just like it’s a no win situation for men with their women. It really is your problem at this point. I hope you really do mean what you say. That’s what I call progress.
I know it isn’t always easy to make that transition, but practice makes perfect : ).
yes ladies its easy to make the transition from thinking feeling woman to plastic vagina mould
I’m in the same situation. He is a very good man but um not letting him in all the way and affects us as a team I’m tryingy best but is hard to go from being a single parent and u being in control of everything to a man wanting to do everything for u he spoils me a lot n sometimes I do take advantage of it. I’m trying my best.
Wow this is amazing I feel like a relief in reading all of this. Im a man in a relationship and my girl is new to this as well she is independent. Its hard for me cause she doesn’t let me be the man as in wont let me lighten her burden. What should I do so that she can allow me to do my duty. And for her to appreciate and admire what I do for her?
Hi George,
Don’t be upset that she won’t let you lighten the load. Is she lightening your load? Probably not, so just take some time and see if she’s worth lightening the load for, by seeing what she can do for you.
I have a few things to say about the above IWS.Now I’ve seen a lot of women belittle their men. Which I think is very UGLY,disrespectful and not kool at all. Please dont take it the wrong way. I Just need to be a little blunt…1. When women try to allow the men to take the lead, they grow a bighead thinking they can do anything they want to you. 2. Some men feel like thats an invitation to disrespect us women. 3. Like you said “That man is supposed to be there to LIGHTEN THE LOAD.” But all along they say “All YOU have to do is….”. They dont resolve problems, they want you to fix them while they sit on the side line. And Last but not least you also stated “It is definitely something that would catch my attention and make you more attractive”. The attraction is shot to Hell(excuse my french) once a woman shows they need a man. Some men donot know how to handle such responsiblity.They look at her as weak or needy, when they’re suppose to see her as a damsel in distress or a hurt woman who needs her hero. Now I know Im not the only one who saw a man jump like leapfrog to be a hero for another man’s woman except their own. But once their woman shows that they need help, you find yourself tasting dust from their shoes or in other words they give you their butts to kiss..lol. Stop me if Im wrong, maybe I misunderstood, maybe Im just confused. Please explain this to me Dr. Love:-)~smile~
You can allow a man to take the lead, but still not stand against disrespect and disregard for you. If he can’t properly lead you, then the answer isn’t fight back with IWS, instead it simply is time to walk away because either he isn’t the man for you or not ready to be the man you need him to be. Showing me you need me is not going to kill the attraction, but if you just become a plain ole burden that abuses my willingness to do for you, then we will have a problem. If a man can do for another woman, but not for you, then you two simply are not the right ones for each other.
I gotcha!.Thank you for the response..:-)~smile~
Like fully like tots
I want to apoligize for the way I spoke in my last comment. Sometimes I can get beside myself. So I’ll take a different approach. I was trying to say that you are right about SOME women. They take advantage of the men when they feel like they have the upper hand on things. So they use IWS to control the man. Ladies, thats not how you keep them. AND vice versa. Some men expect the women to know how to handle things especially when they’re not around. So to me, I feel that when we come together, the women shoudnt have step down, because that makes her feel like she has NO control over anything(Women should be seen and not heard). I don’t believe that she should step down.God has made her to be the neck… The head cannot function without it…lol.JK. My point is some men cant handle it. They never knew how to follow. Tell me how are they going to know how to lead. Jesus followed God and by doing so he became a great leader.So leading became like 2nd nature to him. Well all we really want is a companion who will show Love, Affection,Respect and Commitment..That in itself helps a man lead his family the right way. Oh yeah we need a HERO from time to time to…lol :-)~smile~
I am in my mid twenties in a city that always has a party goin. I pay alllllll my own bills, work ovv 40 hours a week, have no kids, n completely support myself. I agree w what ya said however… Show me a man in his 20s capable o sayin the same thing. I know they exist but I only get into relationships if I see them capable o upgradin o complimentin my life. Not in a financial way but overall… I enjoyed your views n even agree; just credit should be given to the men in this age group who
actually work to be the provider you speak o.
Thank you Jenn, and it sounds like you are really doing your thing (good job). Definitely much respect to the men that are living up to these standards.
This was an AWESOME article! I have been in a relationship for 8yrs (yeah i know) and we have 2 children. I know he loves me and I love him but…..you hit home with the “programming” concept because we are battling that now. Long story short we started off young (17 & 18) and I lead and he let me for so long and now that “he considers himself” an adult he wants to wear the pants, but I don’t know how to let him and he is really trying to step up. But it became a pattern and is ultimately a constant test in our relationship, although it is very hard to respect him because his mom, granny, and aunt punks him all the time so honestly I thought he liked it, but I hope other women who may come from single mom households or have had to do for themselves for so long don’t let this ruin a good man or a meaningful relationship.
Thanks for the insight Stephen
Sorry so long, I could write a book on this though lol
Thank you very much Jessica. I get a lot of heat for this article, so it is always great to see a woman who understands what I am really saying here. We have to understand that many times it is simply fear that holds us back from letting go of the control we have when we are leading in a relationship. You know he loves you, so let him do for you which will only make your life easier and will allow him to be a happier and more effective partner.
Wow that’s exactly what I’m going through now doc. Now if only I can figure out a way to slip her the article LOL.
Lol you have two options. 1. just flat out mention it to her and encourage her to read it 2. one day while spending time with her, bring up the site and check it out together. browse through different articles, and then conveniently stop at this one. then you read and discuss it together.
Ya that’s a good idea, but I have a question. If she feels like a bit of old fashioned relationship ( what I desire) is me being sexist, how do I argue that without actually being sexist? She is a career woman ( which I love) however, I’m constantly put on the backburner on an every day basis it seems. I can totally deal with her career and dreams and be supporting of it, bit I also need a woman. In my line of work, I work alone 90% of my day every day and when I come home I want to see my queen with a look in her eyes that she missed me and appreciates my hard work to help our merged family grow. Instead I feel like I get that of I can do it so can you attitude. Sorry had to vent allitle. Look forward to your reply doc.
Well to avoid coming off sexist, just make it about what you need from her as your partner. Make it about expressing what your love language is and that you desire for her to make an effort to speak it. You also have to take a moment to find out what she needs from you. Ask her what can you improve so that she feels loved, admired, and appreciated by you. Then you both can agree and compromise to make a conscious effort to do the things the other desires. Also even if she isn’t perfect with doing what you want, you make sure that you put your best foot forward and continue to be the best man you can be. Keep pouring love into her, and she will start pouring love back out. Do not attack her with your demands, speak with love, patience, and an open mind. I am confident that if you do that, some progress will be made and you two can start moving in a better direction.
Ok
Yes Paul to avoid coming off as sexist tie her down with some piano wire but make it a non threatening non genderised colour like green that way she will be too stupid to realize that a mans authority is being imposed on her. Then like take her face in your hands to avoid coming off as sexist then gently scream in her face that you are the man and she best aint forget it
Omg like you totally want your queen to look at you but then she looks away and its tots awkies!! Its like so annoying when woman have dreams and like you want some toast like seriously wtf.
I totally feel bad for you, PaulWagner27. I mean, like women for like, a LOT of centuries and years have put their dreams and desires on the backburner cause, like men and society expect them to have babies, and like, when they do, the force of the baby’s head forcing it’s way out of the birth canal means their pelvic floor muscle, like, totally goes to heck in a handbasket. So like, first their dreams get put on the backburner, but like, also their ability to laugh without pissing their pants in public goes on the backburner too. Yeah, like, it’s really hard when your queen has a mind. But hey, like at least she isn’t a queen like Bloody Mary. I mean, she would behead you for like, being a different religion. I bet that makes your testicles retreat back up inside your body. Totes awkies. LOL! seriously
This describes my personality when it comes to relationships. I really have a hard time allowing a man to “do” for me. I’m currently single, but my exes have all sung the same song when comes it to me allowing them to be the man. One has even said that he felt as if he was the woman. The things that I identify with the most, is the razor sharp tongue, lack of respect, and being unimpressed. I appreciate a man…believe me! And I understand being submissive…I have no problems with it. I just don’t know how lol I open my own doors, I play my problems in my head to find solutions, and I’m not an ask’er. I also realized I have a problem with giving affection. I’m sure that many women that have this problem have been told “you act like a man”.
I will say…I think the lack of a fatherly figure is starting to show through. Up until now…those stereotypes of about females without a father never applied to me. But I think that growing up and seeing that my mom didn’t need my dad…and applying that to my life is causing me problems LOL
Forgive my typos lol
Well I am glad you are recognizing what may be at the root of the issue. Growing up in the environment you were in conditioned you to view men a certain way. You should address that, and come to a place where you understand that those were your mothers circumstances, not yours. Also as with anything in life, it will take some practice to start shaking the old habits. When you get called out on it, or you catch yourself doing the opposite of what you are trying to achieve, you immediately make steps to correct it. You won’t be perfect tomorrow, but your goal is to move in that direction daily. It will get easier and become more natural. You have to let your guard down, because many times your current approach is simply a defense mechanism. If you stay in defense mode, then you will block your blessings as well. You can do this, just take start taking the right steps.
I totally understand what you are trying to explain to us women lol. As long as I could remember I was taught at a very young age to never ever depend on anyone to do anything for me especially a man. I think my father had a lot to do with this. I felt as a child that if I needed anything my mom or dad should be open to do so.When it came to my father whenever I would ask for something it was always a problem and in the end he would continue to let me down and each time my feelings would get hurt. Over the years I had a mind set of not expecting a man to do anything for me and just do things on my own. I have been like this for a very long time. It can be very hard to change that. I think some men feel as though if they are helping a woman that means they have total control or think that you owe them something. Others just simply want to help and I understand that. One thing I dislike is when your in a relationship and he constantly says he will do this and that etc and say how much u don’t let me do things for you. My thing is this if u want to do things for me then that’s fine I shouldn’t have to come to you and ask for anything as my man you should already be doing that period
First let me address that last part. If a man who wants to do for you gets accustomed to you turning down his offers to help, he may naturally stop taking that initiative. If he is used to you always doing it yourself (in his mind he start to believe you want to do it yourself) then again he may stop taking initiative. So you have to be aware of how you are handing and responding to the times that he does try. You also want to make sure you show some appreciation because a lack of it can make any person less willing to make certain efforts. As you pointed out there are men who do genuinely want to do for you, and those are the men (when you choose to be with one of them or entertaining the possibility) that I want you to be more open to. I know it can be difficult but practice makes perfect. Also openly discussing the issue can really help move things in a better direction. The both of you can determine what works best for you two in allowing him to help you in the way that he truly desires, and for you to be more open, comfortable, and appreciative of what he does.
I understand that as well. We have had this talk before.Being comfortable with some one wanting to do for me will take some getting use to I am open but just taking it one step at a time.
I disagree with the pointers, I believe that a lot has changed for women over the last 50 years in terms of reaching for goals and self fulfillment that were the bastion of men for 1000’s of years (which is a relatively short period of time from a historic perspective) this societal change in which womankind can now pursue their goals and independence without as many restrictions in the past is akin to the kind of societal changes that we saw in racial inequality in the US in the past.
Lets look at that as a point of reference, one would NEVER think of telling a progressive black person, well yes you have done and achieved a lot in your life but please accept our handouts because we’re here to lighten your load, even if you dont need it and havent asked for it and please act helpless every once in awhile so we can feel good about giving you the handout. And no matter how well you have done in your life to get to where you have, you still need to pander to and respect our ego’s, and at least pretend to be submissive every once in awhile, just because we’re white. Its the same thing with men, whose views and ego’s have not caught up with the changes in our times and remain rooted in the past where being a man meant being dominant. I would like to see relationship advice from more enlightened men, who see women as people with their own thought processes, points of view and who are secure enough in themselves to not feel threatened by it and who can let go of the kinds of belief systems they grew up with of how a man should be. Perfect example of an enlightened modern day couple is our current president and first lady! he isn’t threatened by her and am sure he doesn’t expect her to pander to his ego, I have personally photographed Michelle Obama, and she is a strong intelligent capable woman who I bet has no problems speaking her mind even if her husband is the president, and I think at the end of the day there is a lot of mutual respect in that marriage based not on her submitting to him but rather I feel a sense of 2 people truly respecting each other for who they are and accepting each other as valued partners in a relationship as opposed to expectations of how the other should act and behave based on outdated modes of how the world worked in the past!
I disagree
with the pointers, I believe that a lot has changed for women over the last 50
years in terms of reaching for goals and self fulfillment that were
the bastion of men for 1000’s of years (which is a relatively short period of
time from a historic perspective) this societal change in which womankind can
now pursue their goals and independence without as many restrictions in the
past is akin to the kind of societal changes that we saw in racial inequality
in the US in the past.
Lets look at that
as a point of reference, one would NEVER think of telling a progressive black
person, well yes you have done and achieved a lot in your life but please
accept our handouts because we’re here to lighten your load, even if you dont
need it and havent asked for it and please act helpless every once in awhile so
we can feel good about giving you the handout. And no matter how well you have
done in your life to get to where you have, you still need to pander to and
respect our ego’s, and at least pretend to be submissive every once in awhile,
just because we’re white. Its the same thing with men, whose views and
ego’s have not caught up with the changes in our times and remain rooted in the
past where being a man meant being dominant. I would like to see relationship
advice from more enlightened men, who see women as people with their own
thought processes, points of view and who are secure enough in themselves to
not feel threatened by it and who can let go of the kinds of belief systems
they grew up with of how a man should be. Perfect example of an enlightened
modern day couple is our current president and first lady!
he isn’t threatened by her and am sure he doesn’t expect
her to pander to his ego, I have personally photographed Michelle Obama, and
she is a strong intelligent capable woman who I bet has no problems speaking
her mind even if her husband is the president, and I think at the end of the
day there is a lot of mutual respect in that marriage based not on her
submitting to him but rather I feel a sense of 2 people truly respecting
each other for who they are and accepting each other as valued partners in a
relationship as opposed to expectations of how the other should act and behave
based on outdated modes of how the world worked in the past!
I understand where you are coming from, but I believe you are missing the real point that is being made in this article. The example you used about the progressive black person and the handouts is not exactly the same thing here. The article is about once in a relationship or entertaining a relationship. It also is stating that if you are a woman who does not mind taking the lead and always doing it yourself in a relationship, then so be it. But understand that if this is not what you truly want, that you must be aware of your independent behavior that can give resistance to a man trying to do for you and taking the lead more. Both men and women have to understand that if you allow yourself to be consumed by your independent nature while in a relationship that it can create issues. I wrote “I Am My Own Man Syndrome” to show some areas where men have this issue as well. Allowing yourself to depend on your partner does not mean you can’t speak your mind. It does not mean there isn’t a mutual respect in the relationship. It’s like a mother who wants to do for her child that she loves so much. That child may be fully capable (they may even be a grown adult) and yet many mothers would eventually take issue that she is never allowed to do for the child as she desires. It is normal to feel this way when you love somebody. If anything it is when we allow ourselves to depend on each other, and do for each other, that we can grown closer together. Maybe the way some of the article comes across doesn’t properly express the message I truly intend for the reader to receive. So I do understand your points but I think we just are viewing this differently.
WOW this is so true my girl is exactly like this. She is independent and doesn’t allow me to be the man. What I mean is she doesn’t admire what I do, I treat her well I compliment her I tell her how I feel and she doesn’t admire it. I tell her let me help you with that and she says to me Im independent I can do it on my own. I get discourage and feel like I can’t do it some times. Then she tells me she wants me to be a man but how if she wont let me so I’m having to force my authority but in a way that I can be that man and have a healthy relationship. To be honest she is an incredible women I want to lighten her burden.
Omg nothing is sexier than a guy who FORCES his authority on a woman. Its like so annoying when you want to be a man, she wants you to be a man then like you think she said she wants you to be the man but then no one is the man like whatttt who is the man. Then you both end up being lesbians because there are no men around
Truly, you can conclude the definition or “understanding independent women syndrome”, in one sentence as mentioned in the fag end of the article; “great relationship consist of two independent people who recognize and embrace the value of their partner”…
Well-written. I agree. I was with a guy once upon a time that did not know the difference between submission and subservience though. Had to let that bastard go.
Danesha,
There really isn’t much of a difference. It’s good that you let him go at least.
Enjoyed this article.
I’m so guilty of this. But sometimes it is hard to let my walls down, brcause disappointment always follows
Well LaRhonda, welcome to dating. Try exercising some real strength by putting yourself out there again and again, knowing that you might get stepped on.
Communication
Being that I have been a single working mother for a really long time 20 years in fact there is preparation involved on my part to accept the right man in my life. If we get to a point where we decide that we want to marry he will have to understand that I might stumble sometimes if matters are not handled in an adequate amount of time. Communication is very important so that we can identify matters that each party will be expected to handle. Intiative plays a big part as well, don’t wait for me to tell you something needs to be done if you notice that something needs fixing and you are not handy call a professional and don’t get mad if I call a professional when I notice something needs to be done. I don’t want to feel that I’m your mother my kids are nearly grown if I wanted another child I would have had three.
This piece seems to completely disregard facts, misinterpret history, and wholly avoid “gender responsibility.” Moreover, any solution in which “independence” is a “bad thing” is nuts. We should all be our best, more productive selves . . . that should not threaten but should in fact enhance symbiosis.
Kimberly where does piece even attempt to interpret history? What this article is discussing is a woman becoming too consumed with her independence when entertaining or entering into a relationship. When alone it isn’t an issue whatsoever but in a relationship it can cause problems and has for most. Now when I do future articles (which I plan to) diving deeper into this topic then there will be more discussion on the history of the issue as well as the “gender responsibility” aspect you raised. For now this is about helping some realize that we need a better balance of independence and being willing to depend on our partner when we are in a relationship. I made the same principle arguement to men in this article -> https://www.stephanspeaks.com/man-syndrome/
man and women are made differently, man are better at certain things, while women in another, if they try to be one another its going to be a disaster,
Yeah, like this one time, I tried to be a creepy rock spider on a park bench while waiting for a bus. It was weird scratching my pretend nuts in public, total disaster. You should have seen the faces on the people when I let out a giant fart in public. That is totally just a male domain that us with the baby-baskets should just NOT COMPETE WITH!
I am in the same situation, it’s like Rip Van Winkle just woke up and now he wants to make decisions, when I’ve been doing it all along, I need to read further.
This article is like omg so like true! seriously!! Im like a woman in my 40’s I’m a CEO of a successful company, I travelled the world and drank tea with the Dalai Lama but like I can see now that like all that means nothing unless you have a man to like to come and like cook for..like. seriously. I’m so glad you have like opened my eyes to the ways of MAN and how we should like be totally appreciative when he opens a jar, or cleans the because even though I can do those things its totally unsexy.
Karen walker said ‘Anyone who has their genitals on the outside is hiding something on the inside’ and I guess in this case men are hiding their insecurities and their inability to validate their own existence on the inside. I totally understand now why my ex felt that I was emasculating him. I see the light now. His ex-wife was a heroin tramp who has never worked a day in her life, and clearly me having a job and NOT BEING A HEROIN TRAMP was forcing him to confront his weaknesses as a man, and that makes me a bad woman! I should go and buy myself a chastity belt from ebay immediately. Female empowerment is over-rated.
douche….
You seem to have taken this article in a way that it isn’t intended. I understand where you are coming from but at the end of the day both men and women have to be willing to depend on each other in a relationship. If we let our independence consume us then it can create unnecessary issues. Everybody likes to be appreciated and that contributes to a more positive atmosphere when we are willing to give that to our partners. I wrote one for men as well (the link is at the end of the article) so the main principle is not only aimed at woman.
So you are giving me permission to click on the link at the end of this article?? Because I am not willing to do ANYTHING that will make you, or any other man feel emasculated. But it’s like, totally hard for me to navigate through the world now, because like you say in your article, you totally love independent women but then expect us to cut the independent woman crap once we belong to you and are your chattel. oops, there goes my vocabulary popping out and showing evidence of my rude and unsexy free-thinking mind. I’m sorry I have read a book or two, I should have spent more time focusing on how I can go out of my way to show a man how AMAZING he is, instead of demanding that he actually act in a way that deserves praise. I am like, totally going to call up my ex now, and apologise for demanding that he deal with his past instead of letting it affect me. Because, like, I totally see the light now. He was right, and I was wrong. He was probably just a victim of independent women in his past before me. Yep. He made none of the choices in his life, it was all those FREE THINKING WOMEN. Yep. They made him get addicted to drugs and alcohol and have many children to several women. And its all their fault for him letting walk all over him! I mean, who is he to stand up and claim a stake in his own life?! Seriously, dude….this has been the best morning. I have laughed my guts out at the trash you write on here. I bet your favourite movie is The Stepford Wives.
You seem to have made up your mind about things and understand your disgust with how you are perceiving some of my articles. I will just point out that I am not saying you should not set a standard for how you deserve to be treated by a man. I do not support men simply blaming women for their issues because I agree that they have to look themselves in the mirror and understand how they have contributed to the issues. You asking your ex to deal with his past was smart and I in no way reject that approach. This article is simply discussing one aspect of things but it is not meant to strip men of their responsibility to do better and hold themselves accountable for their choices in life. The issues your ex obviously had were not about you. This article is not attempting to blame a woman’s independence on everything that goes wrong. I can only hope you would try to understand where I am coming but ultimately I just have to accept however you choose to view this. I genuinely want to see everybody take steps in a more positive direction whether it be man or woman, single or in a relationship.
Wow, this is me all day..I’ve been on my own since 15 yrs old…had children as a teen …and how I have IWS…
Phenomenal Article
I think you need to read some more books because what you have wrote is not the definition of an independent woman but a independent woman who does not care. It is very one dimensional and quite disrespectful to a lot of women who are compassionate and have great ethics
.
Your promoting misogyny. I cannot believe you used the word "syndrome" in the article and in many ways misandry. Why is it ok for a man to be burdened himself with more fatigue and stress?
I think what you have described is nothing more than a dysfunctional relationship….
I think you need to read some more books because what you have wrote is not the definition of an independent woman but a independent woman who does not care. It is very one dimensional and quite disrespectful to a lot of women who are compassionate and have great ethics
.
Your promoting misogyny. I cannot believe you used the word "syndrome" in the article and in many ways misandry. Why is it ok for a man to be burdened himself with more fatigue and stress?
I think what you have described is nothing more than a dysfunctional relationship….
This really hits home. Im seperating after 5 years because of this. I get told all the time how independent and strong she is. Yes I love her being strong but when you are in a relationship you need to be able to count on the other person when you need them. You just can't break the other person down constantly then think there gonna be a strong shoulder to lean on. It be comes a negative attribute and can turn in to arrogance and that is a sure downfall for the relationship. I love my girl, but like you said she doesn't respect anything or show appreciation. And I would be happy with a simple thank you. Ladies just remember when your alone be strong, be independent. But if your in a relationship he's gonna expect you to open up. Remember your in a relationship to be with some one not alone. Great article
So as a woman with 'Independent Woman Syndrome', I am supposed to let a man do his job and properly take care of me. That is the most discriminatory thing I have ever heard. Independent women will never NEED a man, but we do want you in our lives. YOU not I need to relearn men/women relationships. If just once I could meet a man that can use their words properly and mean what they say, I might not be single. I meet man after man that always say that they love independent women and then when they get one in their lives they treat her like crap. You as men only want an independent woman in your lives because you don't want to do anything for us. Be nice and if she rejects what you are doing, let her know that you understand being independent but you WANT to do things for her. I never expect or anticipate anything from men but cruelty because of the choices I've made for myself. All my choices were and always will be for survival. I'm not independent because that's what I looked forward to in life. I did it to survive because no one ever offered to 'properly take care of me'. Someone needs to socialize boys to grow up understanding that independence is a great thing and that everything in the relationship is because you want to not because you are expected to. Can we please leave the gender discrimination in the past where it belongs!
Linda I didn't make up the definition. I can't remember exactly but I believe I got that online from Websters Dictionary. How is this disrespectful to women or promoting misogyny? This is discussing how holding on to tightly to independence can have a negative impact on the relationship. It is no different than the article I wrote "I Am My Own Man Syndrome" that speaks to the men about the need to drop such an independent mind frame and embrace a better approach in their relationship. At the end of the day we all enjoy feeling valued by the ones we love. Nowhere does this say dump a burden on a man. It just says embrace him wanting to remove the burden off of you. I apologize if my words come off as harsh, but the principle issue is still the same and is something to truly be mindful of.
How is this in any way about discrimination? The principle of embracing interdependence in a relationship. At the bottom of the article there is a link to "I Am My Own Man Syndrome" so this is in no way just about women. I simply like to address one gender at a time in an article. I completely understand your frustration and the fact that independence for most women is more out of necessity and not desire. A lot of men do need to learn better, but that doesn;t mean there isn't a man out there that would want to do for you and lighten your burden. It is when that man comes that I am encouraging dropping down the wall of independence and embracing the love he is trying to express to you. If you hold on to the negativity produced by past hurts and disappointments you will not be open to the blessings you truly deserve. Don't expect cruelty, because you invite it more with that mindset. Take some time to heal, and understand that you are capable and deserving of a great love, even if it is hard for you to believe right now that there is a man who is willing to provide that.
I personally am sick and tired of men using "independent woman" as an excuse to treat women disrespectfully. Not wanting to be dependent on someone I don't know/am not interested in is not an excuse for men to behave like complete dickheads.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't!
I think you hit the nail on the head — fact is, I'm NOT going to be impressed if it's something I can already do. I don't think that's any kind of reason to get upset, though. Nor should a man expect me to be impressed,
especially if he truly understands how much hard work I put into a day. I'm a nurse — I have seen all manner of disgusting body fluids/conditions. I've sat with people who are dying, families who are grieving; I run a team. For heaven's sake — I kill spiders. — it's nothing after the stuff I have had to force myself to learn to do. Expecting that I'll think you're superman for anything less than what I give every day, and with every waking breath is a huge mistake on a man's part, not mine. Do something respectable. Then I'll respect you. THEN I'll need you. But not a moment before.
Why would I want to be with a man so insecure that I have to stroke his ego?
Do you like compliments and encouragement Amber? Is it insecure to want that from the person you love, or a basic desire most people have? I think the phrase “stroke his ego” puts some in a negative mindset, but when you take a deeper look I don’t believe it is as bad as some people make it seem.
Perfectly said!
I wish I had read this when you first published it…..I too live with IWS…..everything described is so true…..I was raised this way by the women who also had to be independent…..and yes, it ruined my relationship. What I once admired as my strengths, have also been my curse. BALANCE is correct. Any suggestions on how to find that balance. I’m sorry that so many women found what you wrote offensive, but I guess some will never know until they actually experience it….and this hits too close to home for me 🙁
Love this article
at "me" (haha) – I totally sign what you write. OMG. This is SO TRUE.
It is only because no one ever listens to the BIble anymore: It is said "you men, LOVE your women!" and the Women shall pay respect to their husbands. (marriage, not relationships) – I had to find out after many "tests", that all guys do not fit.. and I should get married to a true Christian. Done. And then the journey starts… But the testing subjects will only test.. and leave. Because they are from "the World"… it hurts. SO Jesus and his Sacrifice offer a new solution.
And: I cannot hear that "Love yoursef first" crap anymore. Wake up, people! This confuses everyone! For one – loving yourself is egoism and you should first love the other. It is God's law turned upside down (Love thy neighbour like yourself! – oh, and your enemies, too!) And for 2: When u do not love yourself, but hate yourself, how shall u obey that hint and love yourself first so u can be loved? This is like when U R broke and cannot pay your bills, right? What do u do then? U need to get money, "make money", earn money, robbing, working, lending, takin credits – well.. but u shall not PRODUCE your own money. this won't work. and if u take it from one place, it will cause a hole there. Same with love. You NEED to be LOVED first. So you can love. And: Here's the Good News (Gospel): The LORD has loved the world so he sent his Son (Jesus) and the Word became Flesh and lived amongst us (I only know the German verse, so sorry if the translation seems wrong).
Think about it. And Jesus dies for our sins too, but this is another story.
I am done here. Praise the Lord and Bless you all!
Stephan Speaks Relationships I agree Stephan,I once was on that trip w/I know how,until a older wise woman informed me (when a man care ,about you he will step in to help no matter what the need is> (something simple as turning a cap on a pickle jar that was hard for me to open/ I wouldn't let my pride yield to let him do it for me.,When you in a healthy relationship (it about codependence)., otherwise there will be drama and confusion tug of war. I thank God for a man that cares and provides,we express appreciate one to another, God did not make our body part independently (the eyes can't tell the face I don't need you). We were not made to be an island we were created for fellowship. With our creator and fellow humans.
Good points. Similar arguments found here: https://scribblesandtostitos.com/2013/08/27/he-paysshe-pays-a-recovering-independent-womans-view-on-going-5050/
Ok.. So make up our minds will you.. If a woman ask a man for help.. Or expects manly things from him she is "needy or a nag" same goes with the whole paying for a date thing.. If a woman doesnt offer or pay for herself then again we r needy gold diggers.. And men think women are difficult..
Tell em like it t.I. is…ha…but seriously they r so use to doing stuff on their own…they think if they let someone else do it…they will mess up everything…u never kno unless u try…
I love this. Its tha truth.
Awesome response.
What if I have one that at times offers but then doesn't follow through and do
Tell him that he’s just being fake.
Interesting article. Some true points indeed, but a bit oversimplified in my lil’ opinion. I’m sure I’m not the only one to notice that a whooooole lotta mitigating factors to the IWS were omitted from Brutha Man’s relationship advice! (Though, in his defense, he did make it clear that he was just touching on a few points.) All the same, I’m gone play devil’s advocate and remind the readers that many women who “suffer” from IWS do so because they’ve HAD! NO! CHOICE! I love the brutha’s optimism and the positive landscape he paints of men in relationships, but can we just be real and acknowledge that this profile of a man is, sad to say, a rare breed in some communities? I’m not saying we don’t have plenty of upstanding men who have their ducks in a row, head screwed on straight and are making themselves available for stable and healthy relationships. Sure, they exist. But all too often, men who don’t have their ish together are the very ones suggesting that a woman “allow” him to be man! “Allow” you? Hmphf! The article had so much to say about the man’s deepest needs (eg. to have his ego stroked, be respected), but failed to balance that with the woman’s deepest needs (to feel cherished, listened to and to have exclusivity in the relationship). When women are constantly being pursued by men who’ve make poor reproductive choices, poor financial choices, poor career choices, poor criminal choices, it’s no frickin’ wonder they’re so deeply independent. Many times their efforts to allow a man to be a man have resulted in a sad discovery: there are a lot of little boys in grown men’s bodies! When men repeatedly demonstrate to women that he/they can’t be depended upon consistently…or for any significant length of time, um, HELLO? What do they expect?!?! Women are going to retreat to their fiercely independent selves! When we factor in the men with parole officers to submit to…countless creditors they’re enslaved to…baby mama(s) they constantly have to appease, finance and toe the line for…unnatural attachment to their mamas they can’t let go of…poor listening skills and unwillingness to learn/understand a woman’s nature…excessive focus on sex in the dating relationship…the trifling ones that insist on hitting/beating on their woman…the list goes on. Newsflash brothers: a smart woman is NOT going to relinquish her independence to these kinds of attributes. I’m not suggesting a man needs to be perfect. None of them are are neither are we women. But, by George, make sure your lifestyle and choices offer enough security and assurance before you suggest that a woman surrender her independence to you. Don’t just demand that she “let” you be the man. A good man — a REAL man — don’t need NOBODY to “let” him be that! And a woman doing for herself should never threaten your “manhood.” But if you truly want to be able to do/be more for her, here’s CL’s relationship advice: Prove yourself dependABLE and a good woman will have no problems with learning to depend on you a little more and on herself a little less. We’ll see a whole lot more healing for IWS when see more men cured of UMS: Undependable Man Syndrome!
The defense rests…
You hit all the points in this article that rubbed on my raw nerve. The strongest point you made, and the point where they lost me, was stroking his ego. I have no trouble thanking my man, or anybody who gives me a hand with something. That is just polite, and I will appreciate anyone who gives me a hand doing something, including my man. But, I draw the line at being condescending. If I am changing my spark plugs or oil. I am doing it because my car needs it. I will not wait for him to get home to do it, nor do I need an “atta girl” once it is done. If you dirty the dishes, wash them, but you are not gonna get an “atta boy” for doing something you should do anyway. If I am changing the plugs, and you get home while I am doing it, and hand me the wires and dig in and help, you will get a thank you, but know I will do the same for you. Mutual respect for each other as human beings, that is what a relationship between two consenting adults should be, and it is not unheard of, or a fantasy to require. Being a strong, independent woman is NOT a syndrome, like an illness. It is state of the evolution of a woman who knows she can do whatever it takes to take care of herself, and anyone else who comes along. Acting like she can’t is demeaning, and should not be tolerated.
Hi Laurie,
That’s really all most of us want, if you get to know any of us. Thank you for being considerate and treating us like human beings, even though we’re men.
To your point that it’s insulting to act like she can’t take care of herself, that really has nothing to do with it. Like I said in an earlier post, all we hear from women is whining about how some guy didn’t do this or that for her. That’s ALL I HEAR. ALL DAYYYYY LONNGGGGG. We’re very much aware that you can pick up the tab for a date, and that you can scrape your own damn snow off of your car. However, MOST of you still have it ingrained into you that it’s our job to just take care of these things for you. As I said before, MOST of you are really your own problem.
I am sure there are are still some women out there like that Justin. However, I stand by what I said. It is an insulting to assume a woman can’t take care of herself, simply because she is a woman. It is most certainly demeaning, condescending and misogynistic. It is most unfortunate that the women you have dealt with were like that, but honestly, if that is something that bothers you so much, it might be prudent for you to find that out in advance of developing a relationship with a woman. It could save you a load of time right off the bat. Just some friendly advice. Leave the whining losers to each other. Male or female.
Hello Laurie,
Your post seems to be written with a little frustration towards me, which begs the question, are you one of those women that I’m talking about? I never said that I think a woman can’t take care of herself, but it seems like that’s what you wanted to hear, so that is what you heard.
I say again, men are just taking care of things, because that’s what women really want us to do. They certainly can, but they would rather someone take it off their hands.
Remember high school, when a date was just hanging out with someone? That’s the way it should’ve stayed, and most men would appreciate that, whether you wanna admit it or not.
I suppose I did take offence, but after re-reading I suppose it was just the tone you used. It sounded like you were trying to attack me personally. As if to say I was the type of woman you portrayed as a whiner, the woman who could clearly do things for herself but was waiting for guy to do them out of pure laziness.
However, in retrospect, it actually sounded to me like you spoke from experience. I was merely advising you to invest a bit more time in getting to know a woman, so you could weed out the ones who were incompatible.
We could get into lengthy topics on the specifics of relationships and dating, like you preferred from your high school days, but I think my point was made. Even if it alluded you.
The fact is we are both fed up with it. Men who can very easily make a sandwich, or pick up their socks, hell even do the laundry if needed. But, also women who can change their oil, cut the grass, hell even re-grout the tub..
Respect each other and treat each other as human beings, and friends. It will make it easier, and at some point gender biased chores will become obsolete.
The point is not weeding out the incompatible ones, although that is certainly necessary. The point is to shed some light on women’s problems with men, from the man’s perspective.
It seems like you’re still missing your own point. You state that “we could get into lengthy topics on the specifics of relationships and dating”. Wrong. Let’s start with you agreeing that there are specifics of relationships and dating. The whole point is that women need to move towards not having any specifics on relationships and dating. Then, they will find that men will not seem condescending to them, once they see that women don’t have any expectations. Back to my original point, the only reason men seem to feel this way to women, is that women have set this expectation. At the beginning of time, this was the man’s idea. Around the 70’s, women decided they didn’t like these stereotypes anymore, and forced men away from it. Now, men like that these expectations have been pushed away from them, so I guess women are fighting to bring these stereotypes back, just to make themselves different than Men, I guess.
Eliminate your pre conceptions about men and women, and things will get much easier. Make your mind like water, and go with the flow.
Interesting article. Some true points indeed, but a bit oversimplified in my lil' opinion. I'm sure I'm not the only one to notice that a whooooole lotta mitigating factors to the IWS were omitted from Brutha Man's relationship advice! (Though, in his defense, he did make it clear that he was just touching on a few points.) All the same, I'm gone play devil's advocate and remind the readers that many women who "suffer" from IWS do so because they've HAD! NO! CHOICE! I love the brutha's optimism and the positive landscape he paints of men in relationships, but can we just be real and acknowledge that this profile of a man is, sad to say, a rare breed in some communities? I'm not saying we don't have plenty of upstanding men who have their ducks in a row, head screwed on straight and are making themselves available for stable and healthy relationships. Sure, they exist. But all too often, men who don't have their ish together are the very ones suggesting that a woman "allow" him to be man! "Allow" you? Hmphf! The article had so much to say about the man's deepest needs (eg. to have his ego stroked, be respected), but failed to balance that with the woman's deepest needs (to feel cherished, listened to and to have exclusivity in the relationship). When women are constantly being pursued by men who've make poor reproductive choices, poor financial choices, poor career choices, poor criminal choices, it's no frickin' wonder they're so deeply independent. Many times their efforts to allow a man to be a man have resulted in a sad discovery: there are a lot of little boys in grown men's bodies! When men repeatedly demonstrate to women that he/they can't be depended upon consistently…or for any significant length of time, um, HELLO? What do they expect?!?! Women are going to retreat to their fiercely independent selves! When we factor in the men with parole officers to submit to…countless creditors they're enslaved to…baby mama(s) they constantly have to appease, finance and toe the line for…unnatural attachment to their mamas they can't let go of…poor listening skills and unwillingness to learn/understand a woman's nature…excessive focus on sex in the dating relationship…the trifling ones that insist on hitting/beating on their woman…the list goes on. Newsflash brothers: a smart woman is NOT going to relinquish her independence to these kinds of attributes. I'm not suggesting a man needs to be perfect. None of them are are neither are we women. But, by George, make sure your lifestyle and choices offer enough security and assurance before you suggest that a woman surrender her independence to you. Don't just demand that she "let" you be the man. A good man — a REAL man — don't need NOBODY to "let" him be that! And a woman doing for herself should never threaten your "manhood." But if you truly want to be able to do/be more for her, here's CL's relationship advice: Prove yourself dependABLE and a good woman will have no problems with learning to depend on you a little more and on herself a little less. We'll see a whole lot more healing for IWS when see more men cured of UMS: Undependable Man Syndrome!
The defense rests…
I would just like to know if you would consider giving the independent women some tips on how they should make time for the men in their lives…as we always seem to be last priority in their so independent world…
Love this very informational
I agree, with this 100 percent!!
Boom! …[drops mic, exit, stage right] So on-point CL <3 <3 <3
Good article
I have a friend who is very independent. She has her own mortgage, has a secure job, and very close friends. I would love to get close to her, but I feel that if any guy came close to her she would push them away with her fierce independence. She is 26 and still single. As far as I know, is that she hasn't had many relationships with the opposite sex. I wonder if she will ever settle down with a man – or will she just scare them away? I fear that if any guy comes close into living with her, it will mean that any guy just can't keep up with her – living off her like a sponge. Like, the guy would just be too dependent on her. She is just so head-strong. I hope for the best for her, really I do.
Stephan Speaks Relationships I truly get what you are saying about letting down the wall of Independence. I was raise to be such a strong Independent Woman but, wasn't taught how to let that wall down to let others do for me. I am now in the process of trying to learn this. I have learned that it's ok to let someone else take the wheel sometimes…
My wife does this and is ruining our marriage and she is too blind and prideful to even see what me, church, family and friends keep telling her.
Shayne, stop complaining about her doing everything herself. Enjoy it. If she starts calling you lazy and worthless though, it’s time to leave.
Thanks for this post. I liked that you mentioned why women like me are still in a relationship with someone we can't respect. That makes me sad. I constantly think I'm giving my man too much pressure by not being able to appreciate things he does for me. This sounds so mean but whenever he can't help me in something which I badly need help with, I secretly wanna scream "Why is this guy just so stupid?!" I feel irritated when he can't give me advice or suggestions I could have heard from my mentors or superiors. I think so full of myself and worse, he's learned to accept my rage like that's so normal of me. I want to kill myself for acting like this but he's actually enabling my behavior. I don't want to break up with him either. I'll marry either him or no one at all. Why? Coz I don't think I can find someone fool enough to be able to control me and if ever there's any, which I really want my man to be, I am scared I'd just lose that power totally and fall stupidly in love and who knows? Cry a river when fate rides me hard in the end. (By the way I earn more than he does but that has never been an issue, I'm happy with his simple gifts and I normally want to spend more myself on dates. In fact, I often don't let him pay. I tend to want to control everyone even my parents. Thanks to them not giving me any siblings and it's they who actually taught me how to stand on my feet. Now I guess I did too much.)
I have to disagree on this. Its not always that men know what the right thing is, in a given situation. Things could go terribly wrong just by blindly doing what the man wants to do. It is important that the woman have her own opinion, think for herself and have the strength to do what is right. That being said, a real man will not be threatened by a strong woman and will hold his own in any situation. He will not need a woman to stroke his ego. Women becoming independent is a part of evolution. Unfortunately, while women are evolving, men are not.
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What a great article. Anytime you tell a woman that she is out of line and have to treat her man with respect or anything uplifting him, you will more times than not get negative feed back. A lot of women today don’t understand what it means to be a woman in a committed relationship. The only problem is that they want a committed relationship on their terms. Plus, the independent woman is so over used because most women are not independent but dependent. To add more insult to things, these same women will then quote the bible and say when a man find a wife, he finds a good thing. That bible verse is not talking about any woman or a women that claims to be an independent woman but a woman that is ready to submit herself to her husband as he has submitted to God. There are certain characteristics and things God require you to do or be in order to be considered a good wife in God’s eyes. I do solute the few women that get it and understand that the way she makes her man feel is huge and just as important as he makes her feel. Again, great article.
Absolutely my problem….working on it..
Welp! (Well)…and there you have it. Time I get to work! O_o
Thanks for every article you take time to share with us specially the ones to help us improve in our flaws.
Haha did you just write my biography? ! Lol. Well , you are definitely on point. Let's ponder this for a moment though…sometimes you have to wonder , as a women, how did you become this way. Some could agree that early failed relationships contributed , so it's a learning experience but what about the Dad who raised you this way?. Always instilling since you were a young girl to get your education and never rely on a man. I think my Dad was accurate with this , however it was so embedded that you don't really appreciate the things you probably should, as you state in your article. Reading your article to me was a confirmation that I am this way. 37 yrs old never been married , 2 degrees working on my 3rd. I laugh because how is that working out for me if I have no one to share it with? I really enjoyed your article! Need to ee-evaluate what's important in my life!! Thank you.
If being independent makes a man feel less manly then good. Behind every successful independent woman is HERSELF.
These type of women are too RICH for my blood.
Man its hard out here for a black man doing the right thing.
my lady just told me to Google this, i did not know that its a thing
Interesting read for sure. Insightful as well.. What would you do if you found yourself in this situation?
I think you're saying from this article is women are just too intelligent at times and need to allow someone else to think that they're better than them even if its just a minor thing because of their ego
This is moronic
Hey, Stephan, how many nappies have you changed in your life? If you have mastered the job to perfection then I am very willing to congratulate you on your “balls”!
Im in a relationship with an IW with the IWS. The best thing i can do is submit and she wont get angry, frustrated, and start griping on every small thing i may do. I do alot for her, even take care of her 1 yr old son, soon to be 2 June, without any question. She moved in with me, i still pay all the bills, and that still isn’t enough. How can i deal with it?? Its literally killing me mentally and makes me not want to be with her anymore, let alone be around her in my own house! I love her and i know she can do better but she’s really not trying when she’s stuck in her own ways. I dont want to leave her nor give up but its an everyday struggle, especially with communication. Everything i say or do is wrong, even when im right….. still wrong in her perception. How do i cope?????? PLEASE HELP!!!!
Dude, ur woman does not have IW syndrome; she has Selfishness syndrome. An IW woud never dump her child, bills & living space on u. Infact, she woud want as much part in it as U do. Ur woman is not interested in u at all, she is just using u. It is isn’t long wen she will tell u that how she has found the supposed REAL MAN who is so much more manly than u & so on & then dump u & break ur heart. SO before that happens move on.
Most strong independent women nowadays are a complete Failure.
Just too many very high maintenance women that are very spoiled, selfish, and very independent which really Ruined us men today, and we really Can’t blame ourselves either.
Stepping up and showing a man he loves his woman is about gender roles. There is nothing wrong with gender roles and you know it.
The real trouble today is that much more women now are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy due to their Career with their high paying job which many of them think their all that too which their NOT. Very tough for many of us Good Single Men trying to find a woman that is NOT like that now. A very good reason why many of us men are still Single as i speak.
Sometimes I feel that way too!!! I thought I was the only one. I am not saying this is a bad article, but I am having trouble in my relationship now bc I played my "woman role" and let him take lead but now he's out of control! He doesn't take any of my advice as if I'm too dumb to know anything, he tells me the career routes I should take and my dream career is "too risky", now he wants a baby and we're not even married yet! That was the final straw. I feel like I haven't been the real me in the entire relationship and now the pressure is too much to bare.
I can give respect to men especially when they are clearly self made. i've done it before and have no problem doing so again.
I end up taking care of 90% of everything myself (ten percent I have to pay another to get it done) because, i've never heard a man offer to help. How the heck does one ever hear of a man offering to help? ask? really? after that man has complained of other chicks asking for his help? I dont play this game very well. I'm not a fatty, and I'm not about to stop eating to play the part of some skinny waif. What is an independent one to do?
I know, buy a house and raise farm animals. That's the plan.
Would you ever tell a man that he needs to “balance being an independent man, as well as the “right man” for the woman you choose to give that honor to”? I find this article sexist and unhealthy–both men and women should be free to develop into complete, capable human beings, and if they have to make themselves smaller to be in a relationship, it’s not a relationship worth having.
CC, I believe you hit the point that everyone else was hitting. If this article is sexist, then that kind of makes you a sexist too for agreeing with the point that everyone else has made. I don’t think you’re sexist though. I don’t think anyone else here is either.
I am laughing so hard I can barely speak. This writer invented a whole new syndrome based on his fear of women being their own person and not "needing" a man. Seems like he needs to see a therapist and work out his own issues and stop giving advice !
No he is saying step off your ego stop thinking you are so much smarter and have humilty in your relationship
Where are the real good old fashioned women that we once had years ago?
Strong independent women are the worst ones of all to date since they’re so very full of themselves since their Greed And Selfishness has really Changed them over the years.
Barrett, I am an independent woman and have found myself in this situation. This is just the tip of the iceberg. :/
Larie D Edwards .. Please tell me as part of 'humility' you'll tell your daughter to be so humble to have a baby outside wedlock..and that the guy she is just dating(not her husband) should decide her career path?..
Submitting is never an issue but I have seen men take the 'obey and submit' to another level..you don't have a voice any more..you can't decide for yourselve anymore..to him, you are just a walking robot..I'm not surprised its human nature..once you have someone drinking from your every word..you have become a 'god'..wife or not..until you find yourself being abusive and you think you're doing the right thing.. Smh
Today women are Not women anymore.
No one addressed the issue of why women become independent. After being in relationships where you’re let down, can’t count on anyone you either sink or swim. We SWIM not because we like to but because we have no option.
Sometimes i wonder why i have a husband…..
Can i just gv him a call just when i need s**
being independent woman is not about being so insensitive
Most career women will never make a Good wife at all since they will only want the Best and will Never settle for Less. Too much Greed and Selfishness as well.
Stay away from black women period.
More like stay away from all of these type of women since unfortunately they’re everywhere nowadays.
Hi..I googled this strong woman subject because I’ve met a few of these ladies who are quick to stress that I’m a strong woman..oh and seemed to need to add MN en can’t handle a strong woman. It left me scratching my head! What I discovered was that the ones I’ve met had been evidently thru bad relationships had got divorced hearts shattered and so they found comfort in support from their female friends(NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT)but it was clear as day that though they claimed to be strong in reality they weren’t..it was a front and they were constantly battling whatever demons were in their head! Overly defensive they were to the point they drive most men away! My final conclusion..I’m so sorry that they went thru bad things..but that’s not the way every man is and the good ones don’t deserve or want a lady with that kind of “unbalanced” outlook! Thanks!:)
I have been with my girlfriend now for 8 months. She moved in with Me 2 months ago. One thing that bothers me, every time she wants to go visit her mom, she ends up with her old friends. I call her she doesn’t answer, I text her she doesn’t text back, I just have this feeling she is messing around with some other man, I am not sure though.
They’re very horrible to date since they really think that they’re all that but Not at all. And unfortunately they have a very Bad Attitude Problem as well which really makes them very sad altogether. This is the Real Reason why us Good Guys are still Single today.
To be happy in relationships women need a strong, independent man who doesn’t need constant affirmation of his manhood.
The very sad thing about a strong independent woman is that they’re the greediest and the most selfish people on this earth since they really want to believe that they’re God’s gift to men which they’re not at all to begin with. They will always want the best of everything and they will never settle for less since it is always about money for them unfortunately which makes them very pathetic as well. Most of them have a very bad personality and no good manors at all either since they will usually mouth off to us men for no reason at all when we will just try to start a conversation with the one that will attract us since this happened to me already and a friend that i know had the very same thing happened to him as well which really makes it very sad how these women today have really changed since the old days when most of the women back then were Nothing at all like the women of today are. Quite a change in the women of today since the women back then really did put these women today to real shame.
Truth,
While I don’t agree with everything that you’re saying, I do see a lot of this in today’s society, and I feel like it’s due to poor parenting honestly. What the hell am I talking about you might ask. Fair enough, I will have to explain. You see, if these women grew up in households like mine, where an attitude problem and teaching them to tone it down was something that the parents didn’t want to do, either because one of the parents was afraid of the kid not liking them, or because they don’t want to have their girl let their guard down, because of all the evil men out there, then they are comfortable with this behavior and thinking. However, the intention of the parents might have been good, but the result wasn’t good for society. It made a society of very angry women, who are always on guard, which can only add unnecessary stress to their lives. It made them feel like they should be entitled to whatever they want, and any treatment they want whether earned or not. You know those phrases “Don’t let any man tell you what to do!”. Well the translation is……there is no translation. If you feel like doing something, go ahead and do it. I was taught differently. I was told that I need to watch how I talk to people, I need to start thinking properly….I have to be responsible….etc.
It’s the parents who have turned women into what they are today. Make note of these problems, and try not to duplicate them with your kids, but to improve on them. Good intentions, bad methods.
To the parents out there, don’t make men’s and women’s roles in the household, and teach all of your children to treat everyone with respect, and to defend themselves when someone attacks them or disrespects them.
This whole article makes it seem as if it’s a woman’s job to change herself for the sake of men. Maybe men are the ones who need to change… Maybe society needs to change. It’s not a woman’s job to “stroke” a man’s ego. No one strokes my ego and I don’t want them to. Do you see me crying? If a man can’t feel confidant in himself by just letting a woman be who she is and still knowing that she loves him then that’s a damn problem people. That’s little boy crap and I don’t have time for little boys and their hurt egos.
The problem with these type of women which they really think that they have the complete power to do anything that they want since many of them are narcissists to begin with especially that their attitude is very horrible altogether to begin with since many of them really do brag unfortunately. That type of a woman is a real turn off for me anyway since it is usually all about money for them since they will even take advantage of men that have money just to get what they really want which makes these women very sad as well. It is a real good thing that these women didn’t live in the past which it is just too bad that we don’t have a real time machine to send these women back in time to see what it was really like back then since they definitely would’ve had it real tough like the women in those days that had to struggle to make ends meat. Consider yourselves very lucky today.
OMG… you sound like me! Newly married since Sept 2016 and I’m ready to jump off the bridge… one tiny thing and he weeps and says, You make me feel this big, or I don’t feel like a man cause you don’t let me help, etc. If I’m sad or upset he makes it about him, how he needs to feel… I screamed to God what the heck did I hear wrong? I thought he was my God-sent. We never lived together before marriage and for 6 mths now I feel like I adopted a 9 year old and not a grown man. I’m trying but now get headaches, back knots and I’m losing my cool and that ain’t me!
Happy, I would be happy to be in your man’s position, as long as you don’t have any problem with me not helping out with things. If I come home and sit on the couch to watch TV until bedtime, I would have no problem with this, as long as you don’t have a problem with it. If you do have a problem with it, and be honest with yourself here, then he’s in a no win situation, and that I would not be ok with. Frankly, I find it hard to believe that he has such a problem with the perfect woman, who’s willing to do everything and never bother him for anything. He must be nuts.
These stupid women will sleep around all the time just to get ahead.
Wow, give me a real good old fashioned type of a woman anytime over these types nowadays.
“In doing that, you decrease your ability to do something that most men need from their woman, stroke his ego (you may not like that term, so lets just say making him feel valued and appreciated)” You are right. I don’t really like that term. Having an ego is much different than feeling appreciated or respected. A little common courtesy goes a long way, especially now days when it’s so rare. I don’t think most men really want to control women. They just get irritated when you don’t have an overall decency about you.
For instance, say you make plans with some guy that you’ve only known for a few days, but you’re friends make other plans, that you’ve known for years. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known someone for years or only a few days. Nobody wants to feel like they’re not as important as someone else, so don’t go flaky and back and forth. Remember that he has a day too, and he might try to be a gentleman by not yelling at you, but he’s not any less irritated than you would be if he did that to you. Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t find you to be girlfriend material after that. You’ve just shown him that you place no value on him whatsoever.
When I saw the title of this, I thought it was a joke. But turns out it is quite serious. Let me just say I am perfectly fine in my independence. I am not cold nor rude nor severe nor bitchy nor unable to accept assistance nor anything else that would I consider problematic in a relationship. I just like my life and my freedom and I value my opinions and autonomy. I think there is room for an equally independent man respectful and admiring of a smart, capable woman to complement me and I would appreciate ALL efforts he might make to make me feel special in the relationship, none of which require “submission”. I would also make him feel special. And we would solve problems together. Relationships do take care and feeding but nothing is more boring or more of a trap than dependency. Nothing is more suffocating than lying about who you are and what you can do. I am not a child. If all men prefer women to submit to their authority, I will pass on marriage, thanks anyway.
Can you please tell me as a single independent woman in her 40s, how do I attract men that aren’t moochers and want to be real men in a relationship? ( have not been in a serious relationship in years) I DO NOT engage these men, but they are surely attracted to me! Lol.
Im here looking for answers to my doubts , so far so good because it is true,
I just came across this and feel that it’s missing one big point, what happens if Independent Woman Syndrome is created by being in a relationship with someone who isn’t able/willing/capable of wanting to provide help or support, so then the women feels like she is doing it alone, having no other option but to become Independent in order to maintain her sanity and her relationship.
Unfortunately it is these type of women that keep many of us good guys single today.
Relationship & Friendship Frankly
I think this article it right…I have been an independent woman all my life and men simply used me instead of investing in me. I never expected a man to me my rock in life and the saddest part is that I never realized that is possible to have. Until I met a woman with a husband that was basically doing everything for her, from getting a lovely Victorian house and taking care of mortgage etc to helping with childcare, being there for her when she was upset, holding her hand when she went to the doctor’s etc. It made me realize what a shitty life I had having to struggle by myself to pay the full rent for the house myself and do everything on my own in life..and that was the time I realized this is what I want from a man as well. Hell! that woman’s life was so much easier and happier than mine, when you have a man to lead you out of love for you then you are in good hands!
is* right….. excuse the typos
Feminism has screwed this up for all women. There should have been a better agenda to get women to be independent, and financially independent.. Unfortunately, many relationships are stressed to breaking due to this. Right or wrong, it happens.
I’m confused as how a man can speak on what it is to be an independent woman. I am 42 and moved out my mom’s house at 19 by choice. That was the beginning of my independence, by 23 I moved to another state all together. I have been here almost 19 years. At 32, I became a mom and am now a single mother not by choice but if something is broken beyond repair no amount of crazy glue can fix it. I have been engaged 3 times to which I broke each one off, because I saw marriage would not solve our problems. It is not easy being independent nor is it a badge of honor. It is merely accepting what your reality is and dealing with it. It’s being self sufficient and being able to handle things on your own because that’s just what you have to do. Everyone doesn’t have the same support system and everyone’s reason for being independent aren’t the same. Instead of assuming and criticising maybe you should have interviewed an independent woman. We need and would like help too the only difference is we can help ourselves if no other help is available.
There is a missing type to all descriptions of the “independent woman”. What about the one who can take care of herself, can do for herself, but still stands by the guy in whatever he does? Who will support him because it’s part of her independence – it’s what she wants a guy for?
For example – I once dated a man whose independent shoulder chip was just as big as mine. Had his own house, his own life, friends, car, ideas on existence – just like me. He didn’t want anyone leeching off of him, but still wanted a companion…that was it – just like me. And guess what? I had no problem giving that to him. He knew that I would put my foot down when I wanted to, but I also simply wanted to be with him – spend time with him, share with him. Maybe not cohabitation and finances, but time and emotion and stupid things like laundry day.
We went out with his friends, and he and I had a blast seeing who could chug beer faster or eat more wings, while his friends’ partners spent their time rolling their eyes and nagging their guys about behavior or food or alcohol intake, or when they had to leave. Spending time with him was what he wanted and needed, and I was more than happy to give that to him because spending time with him was what I wanted and needed. Nothing more, nothing less.
The thing is, it freaked him out anyway. It hit that ‘too good to be true – getting too comfortable’ warning in his mind, and he kept breaking up with me…then calling me 4 months later. But I was in love, and that’s what ‘in love’ did to me. I didn’t care that he hardly ever came to see me – I always did the traveling unless I was putting my foot down. I wanted to see him. Period.
He was preparing for a hunting trip once, packing up while calling his friends for details. I sat around watching (enjoying the view and sneaking a squeeze here and there, grabbing fresh beer, changing the CD, etc.), but at one point he grumbled that he needed a rest pad thing for his rifle. Woo! Something I could help with! I made him one out of a little beanbag and duct tape, tossed it around his yard a bit to make sure it wouldn’t break (actually – shot-put it around his yard), he had a good laugh at my expense, and after the trip he said it worked like a charm. He didn’t ask me to, I just did it because I knew he needed it, and in the end he loved what I did for him without having to be asked.
Like bringing booze without being told because you know you’re going to be drinking. Like tucking him in and locking up his house before you leave after he passes out from a back rub – instead of waking him up for a goodbye kiss. Because we want to do it (and yes, we also want to go home)!
Or…after endless visits in jeans and comfort-wear, we decide to knock his socks off in that little mini-dress we’ve never had an occasion to wear. In the middle of the afternoon. While he’s working on his car. Or he surprises with the yum-yum ripped jeans that he said he threw out. And no shirt. And no underwear. He wants to please just as much as we do, independent or not.
As for being too busy – many independent women aren’t so busy they don’t have time. Some just want the satisfaction of standing on their own two feet. Some had mothers who were so dependent on husbands that their daughters refused to be the same way. They’re not rich or super active or super successful – they just choose to be captain of their own ship. They want another captain of his own ship, to occasionally tie-up to or even tandem-sail with. “Your place or mine this weekend?” “Let’s buy a side-by-side duplex and knock out a wall or two.”
The problem is that the only thing they need from a guy is the one thing guys aren’t comfortable giving…themselves. When a guy gets comfortable giving himself, it scares him. And when a guy gets scared, he runs. He doesn’t explain, just bolts.
So what’s an independent, self-sufficient woman to do when they just want someone to be there for (and have there for themselves), yet the guy wigs out just because it’s too good to be true? We want someone to give our love-vibe-emotions to. Everyone does no matter how independent they are.
Good article by the way…made me a little angry, but that’s what discussion is supposed to do.
*Always check for the preferred way to fold socks before helping with laundry*.
These are the kind of women that deserve to grow very old all alone with their cats. Enough said.
That’s why I tell them I want to stay single, because I’m too much to handle. I’m aware of that, but most men that I met don’t get it, they are too clingy, they say how much they like me for being so independent how they would do anything to be with me. Idiot that I am I gave them a chance, both relationships ended because of me being too independent and in considered of their needs and feelings. Yet after we broken up they still want me….
Feminism is much worse than Cancer caused by so many of these type of very pathetic women nowadays unfortunately, which makes MGTOW a real lifesaver today.
Very good post. Thank you for sharing with us.
Please does no woman understand this? What it boils down to is that a woman who CONSTANTLY feels the need to show that she is oh so independent, strong, selfassured etc etc is ANNOYING as hell. She refuses to see any hood intentions by those damn narcistic men! Those women spoil it for the strong independent FEMININE women. It is a wonderfull beautiful mesmerising ectremely powerfull force to be conatined in a human! Do you not get it?
Do you independent women like the macho dickswagging oppressing old fasioned anti feminist men? No?
Wel you are exactly the same annoying creature you hate.
And i understand why you hate them but please try and be ‘independent’ from your inflated ego first ladies, then we will be equal and then we can leave this society splitting illusions behind us. Sjees!
Please does no woman understand this? What it boils down to is that a woman who CONSTANTLY feels the need to show that she is oh so independent, strong, selfassured etc etc is ANNOYING as hell. She refuses to see any good intentions by those damn narcistic men! Those women spoil it for the strong independent FEMININE women. It is a wonderfull beautiful mesmerising extremely powerfull force to be contained in a human! Do you not get it?
Do you independent women like the macho dickswagging oppressing old fasioned anti feminist men? No?
Wel you are exactly the same annoying creature you hate.
And i understand why you hate them but please try and be ‘independent’ from your inflated ego first ladies, then we will be equal and then we can leave this society splitting illusions behind us. Sjees!